Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2001 19:16:50 EDT
From: Faradhi269@aol.com
Subject: For-Justins-Love-15

* This story is a work of fiction.  I claim NOTHING as fact in this story,
so if I have some off-colored ideas, you're already forewarned. You all
know the drill.*

	"DAMN that was a long year," I moaned to my friend Tom.  "I never
thought it'd be that bad."
	He grinned a shit-eating grin and said, "Hey, I always told you
that you sucked."
	I punched him in the arm and laughed.  "Yeah.  You're not the only
one."  We joked around for a while and he got on the train home.
	Let me sum up more or less what happened since I left San Diego.  I
finished my job and went to school in New York to study acting.  I studied
musical theater, so I spent a lot of time training in singing and dance as
well.  When I was finally situated, I managed to build the nerve to call
Nick and see if he was still angry with me.
	It was an emotional three hours.  In the end, we both apologized,
and he admitted that at first he started making passes at Justin because he
knew that I liked him and he wanted to get back at me.  But then, he said,
he really started to be connected with Justin, so much so that they were
basically a couple.
	I said that I was wrong to act like a tease and that I never wanted
to hurt him, but that I was still confused as well.  We agreed that we'd
keep in touch from then on, and we had done so.  I called in a major favor
later, actually, but I'll talk about that in due course.
	After that, I kept going to my classes and over my Christmas break,
I had a long phone call with Justin.  (I'd been keeping in touch with the
others, especially Lance, via e-mail.)  It was exhausting, but by the end,
I found that he felt the same about Nick as he and I felt in my story.
After hanging up, I cried myself to sleep.

	I came back to school already tired, but ready to work.  The second
semester was much more difficult, especially emotionally, as a boy who I'd
had a fling with in the first semester informed me that he had cancer.
Everything went downhill from there.  The only plus was the fact that I
managed to secure my own apartment and a job at a bookstore near school.
The job paid decently, and it didn't suck up all my time.  Thanks to e-mail
I was well aware of he work on the new CD and personal lives with NSync and
Nick.  In late June, my friend died of his cancer, leaving me a small
fortune.  I couldn't believe he did that.  We'd discussed that he would
leave me something to help me pay my school debts (he insisted, despite all
of my protests), but it never changed to two houses and six figures-at
least, not what he'd tell me, anyway.  But that was the case, and though I
was no longer a starving artist, I wasn't exactly rich, either.  I tried to
put money out of my mind in order to make arrangements for the funeral.  I
called NSync and Nick and asked them if they'd be willing to do me a favor
and come sing something at the funeral.  I also wanted to know if any of
them knew Kylie Minogue, Devon's favorite singer/actress.  They agreed to
come, but didn't know Kylie, although Joey said he'd have their people call
her people.  I had to smile.  It was so hollywoodsy that it was almost
ridiculous.
	But sure enough, they pulled through, and she showed up at his
funeral to sing "Bittersweet Goodbye."  Her words were a double entendre
for me, as I could apply them both to Devon and to Justin: "Here we
are...in the dead of night...will you keep me warm and hold me tight?  All
we have...is until the morn.  Let the night be long and ease the dawn.  I
love you more...than you'll ever know.  It hurts to see you...go."
	"So darling sing...me a lullaby. Ooh, bittersweet goodbye.  Don't
think about the future now...these few hours.  Let the night time envelop
us...take us under...bewitching spell...bewitching spell."
	"Here we are...in the dead of night.  Won't see you past the
morning light.  So darling, sing me a lullaby.
Bitersweet...good-bye....remember me when you're away..."

	We all walked away with tears in our eyes, and I asked the artists
who came and performed (and those who didn't, like Devon Sawa and Madonna,
two friends of Devon's) if they'd be willing to come to a more private
wake.  I needed their general advice, and was hoping they'd be able to give
it.  They all agreed, and we went to my apartment, which is small, old and
lacking of lots of things, but is private, and I found seats for everyone,
as well as drinks and food.
	"I really thank you all for coming, and for not saying anything
about the crappiness of the apartment.  I know you're all busy and used to
better. Kylie," I said to her before anyone could comment, "you were his
favorite, and it means a lot to me that you could be here."  She gave me a
hug, I wiped my eyes, and I looked at the rest of them.  "I asked you here
because I need some advice.  Do any of you know what charities do what?"
	"Anything in particular," asked Joey.
	"Yeah.  Devon was a major proponent against child abuse, especially
molestation, and I don't feel right keeping this money, so I was gonna give
it to any or all charities that focus on that."  I shook my head
helplessly.  "But I've never had to sponsor a charity before!  I don't know
where to begin, and I was hoping that all of you would be willing to make a
suggestion."
	Madonna spoke up first.  "Prevent Child Abuse America might be a
good one for you.  My label does some things with them."
	I nodded.
	Kylie added, "Or, you could do ICAN.  That's the international
child abuse network.  Devon spent time with that one, as well."
	The others threw in suggestions and we talked well into the night
with everyone wishing me well in my career and telling me to call them if I
needed a break.  NSync was the last to leave and I hesitantly asked if
anyone would be willing to stay.  They looked at each other.  JC, Chris and
Lance all agreed.  Justin hesitated, but in the end he and Joey left to go
back to the hotel and call their label saying they needed a few days off in
New York.
	I hadn't expected three, so I offered two of them my bed, a double,
and whoever wanted the singled could have it.  I pulled out a lot of
blankets and a sleeping bag, since the carpet in my room isn't exactly
plush.  We played some cards, hung out listening to music, watching movies.
It was really nice, actually.  I hadn't had anyone to do those ordinary
things with in ages, and they were there to do them with me.
	Around two in the morning, the emotional day had finally taken over
and I fell asleep while we were sitting around watching Labyrinth.  The
last thing I saw was "SMELL BAD" with everyone laughing before I closed my
eyes and dreamt.

	I was back in highschool, out with some of my best friends when
Devon came up to me and, ever the drama queen, made a huge scene about my
not being with him.  To make matters short, he didn't know I was in the
closet, and when he stormed off, most of my "friends," got up and left
without another word or glance.  The rest called me a faggot and left,
adding they never wanted to see me again.  I died that night.  Some 16th
birthday.

	"God no," I cried out as I woke up, tears streaming down my eyes.
Those friends had been the most important people in my life up to date, and
even at this point, their good graces were worth anything to me.  It was
strange, because I hadn't had a nightmare in years.  I usually warded my
sleep against such things.  It was then that a warm pair of arms hesitantly
drew me into a hug.  I jumped, startled, and looked over to see Lance
sitting on the floor next to me, calming me.  No knowing or caring what
else to do, I pulled him in and sobbed my eyes out.  He was shushing me,
telling me it would be all right, that it was only a dream.  After a few
minutes, I finally stopped crying, and Lance released me.  I gave him a
tearful smile and thanked him.
	"No problem, man," he smiled back.  "You've had a tough day.  You
gonna be all right now?"
	I hesitated for a second.  He saw and asked, "what?  Still upset?"
	I nodded and said, "Will you stay with me for a little while?  I
just don't want to be alone right now.  Please?"
	This time he hesitated.  "I know it's weird, but," I shuddered,
"I've never felt this scared before."
	He nodded and I pulled some of the blankets aside to let him in.
In the dim light of the room, I'd only been able to make out his face,
although I'd felt his bare chest when he'd hugged me, it hadn't dawned on
me until he joined me under the covers that he was wearing only his boxers.
My mind raced down the ways it shouldn't and it was only my own fear and
exhaustion that stopped any noticeable reaction.  He came under the
blankets and put his right arm around me.  "Like this," he asked?
	I nodded and we just lay there in the darkness.  Unconsciously I
began stroking his arm lightly.  I fell asleep soon after, comfortable and
secure.  Lance stayed up, troubled, but eventually, he, too was comfortable
enough to sleep.