Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 18:53:34 EST From: Faradhi269@aol.com Subject: For-Justin's-Love-2 *This story is a work of fiction. It doesn't give any definitive evidence regarding the sexuality of anyone involved in it.* I had just left and closed the door when they all plopped down onto the couches again. "Jeez, what a night," Lance began. "I thought we did pretty good," Chris muttered. "We did," Justin affirmed. "So, uh, what'd you guys think of Ryan?" Joey asked. Lance laughed. "He wasn't anything like in his story, that's for sure." "What do you mean, Lance?" Justin asked. "I thought it was him the moment he introduced himself." "You did not, Justin," JC countered. "You were as surprised as the rest of us!" "I was not," Justin protested. "He was recognizable to me!" "Really?" Chris scoffed. "He wasn't an awesome singer, he definitely doesn't look like Nick Carter, and he wasn't exactly an outgoing person, was he?" "No, he wasn't," Joey agreed. "But there was something...I dunno. He seemed...just like the Ryan from the story." "How?" Lance wanted to know. "Well, he just seemed so...sad. Not overtly, but it was there...in his eyes." JC and Justin heard those words and smiled. Justin began to sing. "I sit and watch the rain...and see my tears run down the window pane..." JC: "I sit and watch the sky... and I can hear it breathe a sigh..." J: "I think of him... How we were..." JC: "And when I think of him...then I remember..." Together: "Remember..." J: "In his eyes... I can see... where my heart... longs to be." JC: "In his eyes I see a gentle glow... and that's where I'll be safe, I know..." J: "Safe in his arms... close to his heart..." JC: "But I don't know quite where to start..." J: "By looking in his eyes, will I see beyond tomorrow?" JC: "By looking in his eyes...will I see beyond the sorrow...that I feel?" J: "Will his eyes reveal to me... promises or lies?" JC: "But he can't conceal from me the love... in his eyes!" J: "I know their every look... His Eyes!" JC: "They're like an open book... His Eyes!" Together: "But most of all the look... that hyp-no-tized me!" J: "If I'm wise... I will walk away... and gladly." JC: "But sadly... I'm not wise... it's hard to talk away... the mem'ries that you prize!" J: "Love is worth forgiving for!" JC: "Now I realize..." Together: "Everything worth living for... is there... in his eyes!" J: "Love is worth forgiving for...now I realize!" JC: "Now I realize!" Together: "Everything worth living for... is there... in... his... eyes!" Lance, now a fan of "Jekyll and Hyde" clapped his hands and smiled, while Joey and Chris looked slightly sick. "Don't you two ever get tired of singing that stuff?" Joey asked, plaintively. "Sometimes," Justin admitted, "but you had to say the words that set it off, didn't you?" Everyone laughed at Joey, who shook his head. "You all know what I mean. It was there. They were..." he pulled my photo portfolio off the table. "See how his eyes sparkle in these?" They all looked closely as they passed it around. "Yeah, so?" JC asked. "They weren't like that tonight," Joey stated matter-of-factly. "What?" Chris seemed surprised. "He seemed like he was enjoying himself!" "I know, I know, but his-" Joey stopped himself. "I didn't see it in him tonight." They all got quiet, thinking. Justin sighed. They sat around for a few minutes more, then got ready to go back to the hotel, grabbing their clothes and my portfolio before heading out to the limo. The ride back to the hotel was uneventful, but Justin's thoughts were racing. -Sad?-He thought. -Why would he be sad?- When they arrived at the hotel, they all said goodnight and Justin went into his room. He lay down on the bed and turned on the radio. Just as he started undressing for bed, he heard a knock at his door. He groaned, but moved to the door. "Who is it?" he asked, as he peeped through the peephole. "It's me," Lance replied. "What's up, Lance?" Justin asked, opening the door. "Nothing," Lance replied, looking at Justin carefully. "You were just really quiet on the ride over, and I wanted to see if everything was OK." "Yeah," Justin replied. "I was just thinking." "It's OK," Lance replied. "Still not sure whether to tell the others?" "Yeah." "You know they wouldn't care. I mean, look how well they all handled that story, and it was a gay relationship thing." "Yeah, but we read those and joke about them all the time, so it's not like there was anything suspicious about me reading it! I didn't exactly do anything that would give it away." "That's true," Lance replied, "but I still think it'd be all right. Either way, I'll support you." "Thanks, Lance," Justin smiled. "By the way, what did you think of Ryan?" Lance frowned slightly. "I liked him, but in retrospect, I think Joey was right." "Why?" "I don't know. When I do, I'll tell you." Justin sighed again. "K. Thanks again, man." He yawned. Lance smiled. "No problem. I'll let you get some sleep now. Good night." "Good night." Justin went over and finished undressing. Suddenly, a song he hadn't heard in a little while played, and to him, it seemed just right. As he lay in bed, he started to softly sing along. "Maybe it's intuition... some things you just don't question... like in your eyes... I see my future in an instant... and there it goes... I think I've found my best friend... I know that it might sound more than a little crazy... but I believe... I knew I loved you before I met you... I think I dreamed you into life... I knew I loved you before I met you... I have been waiting all my life... "There's just no rhyme or reason... only a sense of completion... and in your eyes I see the missing pieces... I'm searching for... I think I've found my way home... I know that it might sound more than a little crazy... but I believe... I knew I loved you before I met you... I think I dreamed you into life... I knew I loved you before I met you... I have been waiting all my life... "A thousand angels dance around you... I am complete now that I've found you... I knew I loved you before I met you... I think I dreamed you into life... I knew I loved you before I met you... I have been waiting all my life." A single tear fell, glittering in the city lights that came through his window, rolled slowly down his cheek, and landed softly on his pillow... That night, I dreamt. I dreamt many different things, but in each one of them, there was a huge void that threatened to swallow me up. Every time before I disappeared forever, a huge wolf saved me from the darkness, and I'd wake up, clutching the amulet I wear around my neck. I kept seeing this darkness whenever I'd go back to sleep. It was cold and frightening, and I just couldn't put together what it meant. But after trying for a couple of hours, I finally gave up on sleep and walked out of my room to go sit in our study lounge right next door. It was warm and dark, and the light from the hallway outside crept through the thick glass brick wall. I pushed the heavy wooden table out of the way and slowly began to go through the few forms I remembered from Tae Kwon Do classes long ago. I closed my eyes and let the warmth of the room flood over me. When I did, I saw Justin's face: turning away from me. I moved slowly, pushing muscles that fought with their awakening. In the darkness, I kept hearing music, voices and other sounds that I couldn't place. I knew something was wrong. Suddenly, I was jerked out of my reverie by the door opening from behind me and one of my hallmates barging in. "What the hell are you doing in here? In the dark?" he asked peevishly. He had been up all night. I tried to flare up my anger so that I might have a proper response. I had used anger to give me energy since I was a little boy. I had a temper, a violent one, which is why I took martial arts. If I needed extra energy, it was there. If I was afraid or hurt, it was there. If I was peeved, it was there. I looked at him and opened my mouth. It wasn't there. I tried again, focusing all of my spirit on the objective, but it didn't come. Then I realized what was wrong. Anger was an emotion, and only the living feel emotion... I sighed. "Go to sleep, Seth," I told him wearily. Angrily, he shut the door and stalked off. I knew I had to do something. My mind was racing. Why had my anger-my anchor-abandoned me? What was going on? I was scared and felt like crying. But I couldn't. I was angry, but couldn't feel it. I was tired, but didn't want to go to sleep. Instead, I went online and saw a friend of mine. I IMed him: "What's up?" Then, suddenly, the desire to talk ended. "Not much," he replied. "How's it going?" "Look, sorry, but I just don't want to talk right now..." I sent it and I signed off. "Wha-" came up before it was cut off. I walked around literally in a haze. I didn't know what was wrong with me. The people I saw in my hallway all ignored me and I felt that I could just fade into the background. I wanted to fade into the background-into nothingness. But that, too, wouldn't happen. "Fuck," I muttered after I had tried and failed a few times. Fading just isn't as easy as it's made up to be. -Now what?- I thought. I finally flopped onto my bed and fell into a dark and dreamless sleep. The next morning when I woke up, I felt worse than I had the night before. The dark sleep had robbed me of the healing that it usually brings, and I had deep circles under my eyes. I also noticed, as I stared at myself incuriously in the mirror, that my eyes had lost a lot of their sparkle. I didn't know why, but I didn't care any more either. I stepped under the hot shower, hoping that it would drive the chill from my heart. But death is a cold that cannot be driven away. I dried myself off mechanically and walked back into my room to get dressed, all without seeing anything or anyone around me. They had all become shades and ghosts of being-none of them were real. I was in a dream world, but it was a dream I couldn't escape from, not even with my amulet, which felt much, much heavier than normal. I looked down at it, dangling against my pale chest. Hm, I didn't remember being so pale the day before... oh well, I didn't care enough to pursue that train of thought. I started lifting my hands to remove the amulet, but then dropped them again. I didn't have the energy for that, either. For the rest of the week, I continued to get worse. My classes and friends were a haze and nothing was tangible. I got more and more pale, and although I was already almost 40 lbs underweight, I went from 135 lbs. to 110. I moved slowly and could not sleep. The sleep I did attain never healed me, but only continued my miserable sameness. That's exactly what this feeling was...sameness. Or was it? Thoughts of suicide flashed through my head, but I didn't have the energy to even try any of them. It just didn't seem worthwhile. Nobody here would care about me, so it wouldn't matter any way. I grew increasingly reticent and finally, stopped talking all together. After that week, my spirit snapped back into place. I began to recover and behave like a normal person again, but my body couldn't cope, and I collapsed while on my way back to my dorm from Calculus class. In the hospital, the doctors were surprised that I had survived as long as I had, and they had no explanation for what happened. But I knew. Once my feelings had returned to me, I knew exactly what it was... I was lonely, and that loneliness created a void that nearly killed me from the inside. Knowing this didn't help matters any. I moaned at how pathetic I was and fell asleep for a few days in the hospital room. Ironically, the only thing I kept hearing in my mind was "On My Own," from "Les Miserables." It sucked to be stuck in the hospital all day. Besides knowing that I would have a great deal of makeup work to do, there were dozens of factors that only increased my loneliness. First of all, no one came to visit me. Secondly, "SAILOR MOON" fucking found her true love! Dammit, I'd always taken comfort in the fact that she was a loveless loser, too. How wrong was this? I was too tired to even beat off! This definitely was not my week. I had been in the hospital for a couple of days and only had one more to go when the phone in my room rang. I covered my head with my pillow and groaned, hoping that it would stop. It didn't, so I finally answered it on the umpteenth ring. "Hello?" I asked groggily. "Is this Ryan?" a familiar voice asked. "Yeah. Who's this?" "It's Justin Timberlake." I sat bolt upright, all weariness gone. "Did I catch you asleep?" he sounded disappointed. "No, not at all Justin," I answered hurriedly. "But I'm curious how you got the number." "Well, I called your telephone number on the portfolio you gave me, but your roommate answered the phone. He said you were in the hospital and was about to hang up, but I managed to get him to give me the telephone number for the hospital and I asked the operator to transfer me to your room." "Whoa. Why'd you go through all that trouble, man?" "Uh, we've all just been wondering about you and how you were. Seems like it's not goin' too good, huh?" "I've been better," I replied obliquely. -I am now that you've called, Justin-I thought. "But I'll be all right. How are you all doing? How's tour life?" "You all?" Justin asked, laughing. "You're from Atlanta. Aren't you s'posed to say 'y'all'?" "I live in Atlanta," I corrected him lightly. "I go to school here. I'm from St. Louis, and that's where I learned to talk, ok?" "OK. Cool. We passed through St. Louis on the tour." "I know. I had a lot of old friends who went to see you." "Really?" "'Fraid so. But you wouldn't have known. They'd be our age, but screaming and giggling just like the rest of 'em, so it doesn't really matter." He laughed and we just talked for a while. Quite a while actually, since I looked at the clock and gave a yelp of surprise. "What's wrong, Ry?" he asked, concerned. "Justin, we've been talking for over two hours! This call must be costing you a fortune!" "That's OK. It's not really that much-" "Not much?!" I interrupted. "God, Justin, you must have spent a couple hundred dollars by now!" "So? I'm talking with a friend," he replied defensively. My heart was touched very closely when he called me a friend. "Justin, it's a friend's duty to tell another friend to stop when he's screwing up. You are now. I love the fact that you called me. You've been the only one who has since I got here except for my parents. I feel so much better since you called, but it's costing you way too much money. You better hang up and we'll talk later." "But, but..." he began. "Justin, seriously. I'm fine, and it meant a lot to me. I know you've got a lot of money, but why waste it? C'mon man. Besides, don't you have to perform tomorrow?" "How'd you know that?" I smiled, even though he couldn't see it. "I've been keeping tabs on you, too. Now you'd better go get some sleep." He giggled. "All right, mommy. Jeez, you're worse than JC sometimes." "But you still love us, don't you?" I asked impishly. There was silence on the other end of the line. -Oh shit!-I thought to myself. -What did I do now?- "Look, Justin, I'm sorry. I was just kidding around." Tears filled my eyes. Thank God he couldn't see them. "Ryan, man, don't cry," he said over the phone. What was this? I caught my breath. "How did you know I was crying?" "I heard the way you were breathing. Don't cry man, I'm not upset. Seriously." "O-OK," I managed. "I'll let you get some sleep," he told me gently. "Talk to you later." "Yeah, later." Sleep was beginning to take me. "Bye." "Bye." I hung up the phone and rolled over, already half-asleep. I dreamt again, for the first time in days. And they weren't even nightmares. In my dream, I was facing Justin, and we were holding hands. "Justin, you just don' know how much your friendship has meant to me," I told him. "Really?" he seemed surprised. "How much?" he kidded. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I softly sang, "You'll never know... what you've done for me... what your faith in me... has done for my soul... You'll never know the gift you've given me... I'll carry it with me... yeah, yeah... through the days ahead... I'll think of days before... you made me hope for something better. (Yes you did) You made me reach for something more... you taught me to run... you taught me to fly... helped me to free the me inside... helped me hear the music of my heart, helped me hear the music of my heart. You opened my eyes... you opened the door to something I've never known before. And your love (love) is the music of my heart... (music of my heart) You are the one... always on my side (always on my side)... always standing by (always standing by)... seeing me through. You are the song that always made me sing (made me sing)... I'm singing this for you (singing this for you, baby). Everywhere I go, I think I've where I've been (think of where I've been)... and of the one who knew me better... than anyone ever will again! You taught me to run... you taught me to fly... helped me to free the me inside... helped me hear the music of my heart, helped me hear the music of my heart. You opened my eyes... you opened the door... to something I've never known before. And your love (love) is the music of my heart (music of my heart)... What you taught me... only your love could ever teach me. You got through when no one could reach me... before. 'Cause you always saw in me... all the best that I could be. It was you who set me free! You taught me to run, you taught me to fly... helped me to free the me inside (me inside)... helped me hear the music of my heart, helped me hear the music of my heart. You opened my eyes... you opened the door... to something I've never known before. And your love... is the music of my heart... You taught me to run... you taught me to fly... helped me to free the me inside... helped me hear the music of my heart, helped me hear the music of my heart... you opened my eyes... you opened the door... to something I've never known before... and your love... is the music of my heart... music of my heart... and your love... is the music of my... heart." Justin smiled and leaned forward. "That was really good, Ry," he affirmed me. I smiled shyly and blushed slightly. Then our lips made contact. I woke up to the sound of my alarm telling me that I had Chemistry in a half-hour. "Dammit," I groaned. "Why did it have to end NOW?!" I sighed and got up, feeling dejected once again.