Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 19:42:02 -0400 From: DJ Subject: Forever 82-84 Disclaimer ---------- The story contained in these pages is totally in the mind of its author. All rumor and innuendo aside, I do NOT have any idea of the true orientations of any members of the Backstreet Boys. Yes, children, all wishful thinking aside, they're probably as straight as we all HATE to think of them. So, this is my little reminder that this is what we like to call FICTION. Readers should realize that reality and fantasy are definitely (and unfortunately ;-) two different things. Don't read this tawdry tale if you're too young. Don't read this tawdry tale if it's against the law. If it IS illegal where you live, you need to consider a relocation!!! And now...'Forever'... Chapter 82 "Tonight was amazing, Kev," I whispered as we settled in for sleep a while later. We'd taken a shower to get cleaned up. One nice thing about hotels is that they tended to have plenty of hot water. That was a good thing since we'd made love again in the shower, this time long and slow and sweet. And now we were lying in bed. We were side by side, facing each other. We each had an arm curled under our heads. My other arm was between us, lightly stroking his stomach. His was draped over my side. "It was pretty unbelievable, wasn't it?" He smiled. He was practically gloating at how good he was. I lightly smacked his stomach, smiling back at him. "Better be careful, love. You're gonna have to live up to this every time now," I joked with him. He raised an eyebrow, the gleam in his eye telling me he'd enjoy the challenge. So would I. The smile faded from his face a little. Obviously something had crossed his mind that was more serious. I slid my free hand up to stroke his face. "What's wrong, Kev?" I asked softly. "Nothing," he sighed, turning away. "Come on, Kev. Something's bothering you. Tell me," I said. "Please?" He sighed again, standing up and walking to the window. He held the curtains aside as he looked out on the lights of LA. He stared for a while, then turned back to me. "Do you love me, Dylan?" he asked. I felt like someone had punched me. "What?" I could barely hear my own voice. "It's not a tough question, D. Do you love me? Not just the words. Do you really, truly feel love for me?" His voice was quiet, but there was a harsh note to it. "Kev," I started, but my voice cracked. I tried again. "Kev, how can you even ask me that?" "I don't know, Dylan," he sighed in frustration. "This whole thing lately...I mean, you didn't even give me a chance. You just took off, believing I'd hopped in the sack with some woman." He stopped, turning back to the window. "I feel like you don't trust me, D, and we'll never work if we don't have that," he said softly. I sat there, staring at him. I didn't know what to say to him. I could tell he was hurt, and a little angry, at what I'd done. And I didn't really blame him. But I didn't know what I could say or do to make it right. "Do you want me to leave?" I asked. He turned around quickly. "No!" he practically yelled at me. "Dammit, that's what I mean. We hit a bump, and you're first reaction is to walk out the door." "Well, what d'ya want me to say?" I yelled back, standing to walk over to him. "I've told you I love you a hundred times! Christ, we just got done making love! But you can still ask that question. If you don't know it by now, then what can I do to convince you?" "Trust me!" he yelled. "BELIEVE me when I say how important you are. When I say how no one else could ever take your place in my life. When I say how no job is as important to me as you are." He stopped to take a deep breath. "Dammit, just show some faith in me!" There was a tear sliding down my cheek, then. "Did it ever occur to you, Kevin Richardson, that maybe it wasn't YOU that I didn't have faith in? Huh?" I was yelling back, but the tears were starting to slide down my face. "Did it maybe occur to you that it was ME that I didn't have faith in?" I turned away from him, walking back to the bed. I sat down on it, sliding up to sit against the headboard with my arms around my knees. I lay my head on them, turning so I wasn't looking at him. All I could hear in the room was the sound of my own breathing. It drowned out everything else. A few moments later, I felt the bed sag under his weight. When his hand touched my shoulder, I flinched and pushed it away. "Don't," I said. "Dylan," he replied, touching me again. "Don't touch me!" I pushed his hand away again. "Dylan, I'm sorry. I..." "NO!" I yelled, cutting him off. "Dammit, don't apologize. You have every right to be mad at me. You have every right to be frustrated with me. Don't apologize for it." We sat there, neither of us moving. The tears were still falling, and I couldn't come up with the strength to stop them. He put his hand on my shoulder again. This time, I stood up and walked away, moving over to the window where he'd been before. "Before we met," I whispered, "I had a major crush on you. I'm sure you probably figured that out pretty fast. You were this perfect fantasy I had created." "When I met you in the hospital that first time, everything changed. I realized that you weren't that fantasy that I'd conjured up. You were so much more. So smart, and funny, and kind, and sensitive, and...and," I choked a second, "and beautiful." "And then we started dating, and I fell in love with you again, this time with the REAL you. You and the guys, you became like my family, especially after I lost mine," I said, still whispering. I turned to him. He was still sitting on the bed, in the same position I'd left him. "And the entire time we've been together, there's been this little voice in the back of my mind, reminding me that you're too good for me, that there are so many other, better men," I paused, "or women, out there that you could be with. That great little legacy of too many years as an unpopular, overweight, gawky kid." I turned back to the window again. "Shitty self-image." "I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing, of asking the wrong question or making you angry or anything. When Aimee answered the phone that morning, the first thing that popped into my head was that you'd finally found that better someone. And I panicked and ran." "I do love you, Kevin," my voice dropped further. "I love you more than my own life. More than anything in the world. You've basically become everything to me. And there's this part of me that lives in constant fear that one day I'll wake up and you'll be gone. And I'll be alone again." "I couldn't survive that," I finished, leaning my head against the window, letting the tears fall freely again. I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I stiffened under his touch. I didn't feel like I deserved it, like I was worthy of being with him. He'd been right about me not trusting him. If I'd trusted him, I'd have let him explain about Aimee. Or, better yet, I wouldn't have needed an explanation. I would've just believed in him, in us. "Dylan," he said, breaking the silence. He pulled on my shoulder, trying to get me to turn around, but I wouldn't. "Dylan, come on, sweetie," he pleaded. I stayed where I was. "Please talk to me." "What should I say, Kev?" I asked him again. "Everything you said was true. I didn't trust you, I didn't give you a chance to explain. I ran away, from you, from my friends, from my life." "Dylan, stop it," he said. This time, he used more force to turn me to face him. He placed his hands on my cheeks, cupping my face. "It's not your fault, alright?" he said. "You said it yourself. You panicked." "That doesn't make it right, Kevin," I whispered. "That doesn't make what I did ok." "No," he replied, "it doesn't. But," he sighed, "it does make it understandable. I've been scared of losing you, too, ya know?" "What?" this surprised me. He nodded. "When I announced my engagement to Kari, and you found out about me being bi. I panicked. Why do you think I fought so hard to get home? Why do you think Brian finally stepped in? It wasn't cause they were anxious to get home. It was because they were afraid I'd bolt. Which was pretty much exactly what I was gonna do." "I was afraid of losing you before I even found you, back after that first night we had dinner. I was afraid when Kari got pregnant. I was afraid when I came out." He sighed. "I'm afraid of losing you, too, because you've become so important to me. Like you said, you've become everything to me. My life, all of this, my dreams, the group, everything, wouldn't mean a thing if I lost you." He stroked his thumbs over my cheeks, drying the tears that were still slowly sliding down. He leaned in and gently touched his lips to mine, just briefly, then pulled back. "You will NEVER lose me, Dylan. Ok? We'll both be old and gray together, sitting on our rocking chairs on our back patio, overlooking the beach, listenin' to a bunch of young whippersnappers runnin' around being obnoxious." "Promise?" I whispered. "Promise," he said, smiling. "As long as you promise me something." "What's that?" I wondered. "Trust me?" he said, looking me straight in the eye. "I promise, Kev. No more running away, no more being afraid." "Good," he said, pulling me into his arms to hug me tightly. "Now, sweetie, can you please take me to bed? I'm tired, and tomorrow's gonna be a long day." "Hmmmm, lemme think. You. Me. Naked. Bed." I paused, pretending to think it over. "Sounds like a good plan to me," I said softly, leaning in to gently kiss him. "I love you, Kevin. And I'm sorry for everything that I put you through this week." "I love you, too, D. But no more apologies. I forgive you, you forgive me, and tomorrow we just enjoy the fact that we're together." I nodded as I turned to lead him to bed. Chapter 83 The phone ringing the next morning woke me up. I reached over Kev's comatose body and picked up the receiver. The automated wake-up call greeted me, letting me know it was time to get up. "Kev," I said after hanging up the phone. He didn't respond, so I tried again. "Kev!" I shook his arm this time. "No, don't wanna," he mumbled into his pillow. I decided to try a different approach. I slid my body over on top of his. He was on his stomach, so my chest was pressed into his back. I leaned down to whisper in his ear. "If you get up now, we'll probably have some play time in the shower," I said. "Huh?" he wondered, lifting his face a little from his pillow. I placed a kiss on his cheek. "I said, if you get up, we can play in the shower. I could wash you...all...over," I said. I'd never seen him move so fast. One second, I was on top of him and he was nearly unconscious. The next, he was standing beside the bed, holding out a hand to me. "Come on, Dylan, quit bein' so lazy," he said, a smile on his face. "Sure, whatever, Kev," I replied, taking his hand. Instead of letting him pull me up, I quickly jerked him down on top of me. "You forgot my kiss good morning." He just smiled and dropped his lips down on mine. Great way to start the day. "Dylan?" Howie asked when I walked in with Kevin that morning. The hotel had provided a private room for the guys to have breakfast, and I was gonna spend the day with them today, so I decided to join in. "Hey, DJ!" AJ said, standing to walk over to us. He gave me a hug. "What're you doin' here, man?" "Just couldn't stay away from ya, AJ," I joked as we all sat down, joining Brian, Nick, Howie, and Aimee at the table. "You know you're irresistible." "Oh, yeah, if I'm so irresistible, how come you're the one with the gigantic hickey?" "What?" I exclaimed, slapping a hand to my neck, even though I knew it wouldn't do any good. I'd worn a tank top today to take advantage of the LA heat. "I didn't see anything this morning." "That's probably cause it's not exactly on the front," AJ was practically giggling. Nick had to get up from his side of the table and come look. He leaned down, looking at the edge of my neck where it joined my shoulder. On the back right side. Oh God. "Are those teeth marks, AJ?" he asked. AJ leaned in and took another look. I thought I was gonna explode in embarrassment. "Hmmmm, sure look like it to me," AJ replied. "Damn, Kev, what'd you do to this boy last night?" Everyone at the table was cracking up. Aimee looked a little uncomfortable at witnessing this family moment, but even she was cracking a smile. I turned to look at Kevin. "Thanks a lot, Kev," I said, putting a hand over the side and back of my neck to hide his love bite. Nick wouldn't stand for that and pulled my hand away so he could ogle some more. I sighed and gave up. "What?" Kev asked, the picture of innocence. "It's not my fault." "Oh, and I s'pose DJ just bit himself on the neck?" AJ asked, the smartass coming out to play. I just looked at Kev with a raised eyebrow. "No, I did that," he admitted casually. "But it's Dylan's fault that I did." "How d'ya figure that?" AJ kept at him. Kevin leaned towards me, putting an arm on the back of my chair. He looked me in the eyes a moment before glancing around me to AJ on my other side. "Because, AJ," he said, his voice screaming `lust', "sex with Dylan is always so hot that I just lose control. Last night, it was even hotter." Then he leaned in and started to kiss me. Long and wet and deep. The room fell silent around us. Kev pulled away from me a few moments later. I wanted to slap him for his little comment. I also wanted to jump on top of him and give everyone a demonstration right on the table. "Well," Nick leaned over to AJ when he'd recovered his voice. "I'm just curious what position Kev had Dylan in to give him a hickey on the back of his neck," he joked. "Gee, Nick," I said, "AJ's bi, I'm sure he could demonstrate one or two positions on you so you could experience it yourself." Every fork in the room dropped onto a plate. "Dylan!" I heard a warning note in Kevin's voice. I looked over at AJ, who was looking at me with a not-pleasantly-surprised grimace on his face. I realized why when Aimee cleared her throat. "Oh shit!" I muttered, looking over at her, then down at my plate. "God, AJ, I'm sorry," I said quietly. "It's alright, AJ," Aimee spoke up. "I actually kinda wondered anyway. You seem a little too...open-minded about some things." AJ just nodded. Nick walked back over to his seat. Or it sounded like he did, anyway. I didn't look up from my plate. I was mortified that I'd slipped like that, even if it had turned out ok. I felt Kev inch his chair closer to me. His hand slid into my lap a minute later, gently resting on my thigh. He leaned in and spoke quietly in my ear. "It's ok, D," he said. "It was an honest slip." "I know, Kev, but it WAS a slip," I whispered back, still looking at my plate. "What if I do that when there're other people around? It's AJ's life, and his decision whether people know." AJ slipped his hand over to my other leg and squeezed before pulling it back. He leaned in to talk to me. "DJ, don't worry `bout it. I'm not," he said softly. I just nodded. I still felt bad, but tried not to show it as much. I wasn't as concerned that I'd said that about AJ. I knew he wasn't the type to freak, and the guys seemed to trust Aimee a bit, so I figured she was ok. I was more upset about the fact that I'd just dropped a secret about a friend without even considering it. There was a lot I knew about the guys now, and I was worried that I might slip that information to the wrong people. If a reporter, or someone without a lot of integrity, heard some of what I knew as `an insider', the shit would hit the fan. I made short work of my breakfast, not saying anything. Kevin had taken his hand away from my leg so he could eat, but he stayed close enough so our legs would touch a little. When I finished, I slid a hand over to his thigh. He moved his leg closer to mine. I don't think it was intended in a sexual way. I think it was just to let us touch. Just a way to be closer. I gently squeezed his thigh in thanks. The others finished a bit later. Nick and Brian were in a heated basketball debate. Apparently, Brian had spanked Nick on the court the day before, and Nick was still protesting. I did smile a bit at that. It turned out that Nick was neither a good winner nor a good loser. AJ was pretty quiet. He didn't seem upset, just thoughtful. Every now and then, he'd glance over at Nick, then back to his plate. I wondered what he was thinking. Howie was chatting with Aimee. I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. For one thing, they were talking fairly quietly. For another, Nick and Brian were a little too loud to hear anyone else. They were like a couple of kids sometimes. It was cute. "You ok?" Kev's voice startled me. I hadn't felt him shift over to me. "Yeah," I whispered, "I'm fine. Just a little disturbed that I slipped like that." "I know. And I understand," he said as his hand found my leg again. "But, it happens to all of us. Just keep it in mind and try your best to be careful. It's all you can do. If you slip where it matters, then we deal with it." "I know. I'll try to be more careful," I said. This apparently satisfied him as he stopped talking. He didn't move away from me, though. His hand gently massaged my thigh as I let my attention drift back to the others in the room. I got something of a surprise a minute later when his hand was suddenly in my crotch. He'd apparently been sliding it up while I was looking around the room. I turned to him and raised my eyebrow. He just smiled back and continued his explorations. I slid my hand to his and tried to push his hand away. He didn't budge. "Kev," I whispered, putting a lot of stress on his name. "Yeah, D?" he asked, the soul of innocence. "Um...we're kinda in public here," I replied. I tried pushing his hand away again. Unfortunately, it was pretty much too late. I was already getting a tent in my shorts. I knew if we left soon, I'd be the butt of about a dozen jokes. "So?" he asked quietly. "I'm happy to be with you." "Yeah, but I'd rather not advertise that you've been playin' with me under the table, thank you very much," I said, torn between laughing at him and being angry with him. "Are you ashamed of me?" he wondered, a noticeably fake note of hurt in his voice. "Of course not," I said. "But, I'm not a big fan of showing off everything I own to your family." I decided he wasn't gonna give up. So, I thought of an alternative strategy. I slid my hand under the table and into his crotch, giving it a hard squeeze. I must've startled him, cause he jumped about a foot in the air. Unfortunately, when he landed, he was only about half on the chair. So, the landing was followed by another trip, this time to the floor. I quickly took advantage of the situation and fell on top of him, my hands seeking out his tickle points. I figured it was time for a little revenge. Besides, I thought this might give me time to recover from his wandering hand. We tousled around on the floor next to the table for several minutes, switching from top to bottom, tickling each other. I was getting in more hits than he was, so I was winning. I was on top of him when he laughingly called for a truce. "Truce?" I asked. "You think you're gonna get outta this that easily?" "Yeah," Nick's voice came from behind me. "He is. Cause we gotta get going." I blushed. In the heat of our little impromptu wrestling match, I'd forgotten all about the rest of the people in the room. From the look on Kev's face, I'd say he probably forgot, too. I slid off of my lover, letting him get up. I lay on the floor a second longer. He turned to me and held out his hand. I reached up and took it, letting my big strong man pull me off of the ground. Chapter 84 "So, what's the plan for today?" I asked as we drove to the studio. "We're in the studio until we're done, basically," Kev said. "It shouldn't be much past six or so today." "Cool. And what exactly do I get to do while you little nightingales earn your pay?" I wondered. "Um...sit around and drool at our cute butts?" AJ tossed in. "Sure, AJ, but lookin' at that skinny thing you call an ass'll only take about two seconds," I snapped back. "Damn, AJ," Nick said. "Even the gay boy doesn't want ya. That has to hurt!" Everybody cracked up then. Except AJ, of course. "At least he's noticed MY ass, Nicky," AJ shot back. "Alright, alright, enough of Dylan lookin' at y'all's asses," Kevin interjected. He turned to me. "If you're plannin' on drooling over anyone's butt today, it better be mine. And ONLY mine." He smiled as he dropped an arm over my shoulder. "Well, as fascinating as it might be to do nothing but stare at your butt, Kev, I was hopin' for something a little more than that to fill my time," I said. He got a hurt look on his face. "Especially if all I can do is look." That got a smile out of him. "You can sit in the booth, Dylan," Brian spoke up. "It might get a little boring hearing us go over the same stuff several times, but it should be enough to keep your interest." He paused and a little smile came to his lips. "And you can still look at Kev's butt." My jaw dropped then. Brian just continued to smile. Damn, he could still surprise me. We pulled up to the studio a few minutes later, Nick and AJ still debating whose ass was hotter. I just let them keep trying to figure out which one of them I liked more. It was kind of funny that my opinion mattered so much to them. I trailed in after the guys, keeping my eye on Kevin's butt as I promised. Frankly, it was the perfect way to spend a day off. "So, what'd you think of that take, D?" Kev's voice came through the speaker in the booth. "Kev, baby, I've gotta be tone deaf, cause that one sounded the same as the last one," I said back, smiling through the window at the guys. We'd been at the studio for most of the day. Bryce, the studio engineer, had been doing his thing. The guys had worked mostly on one song. I couldn't believe how many times they'd each done their different parts. I was amazed that they could still stand to sing the song after they did it so many times. But, they did, and it sounded great. Well, it sounded great to me. Kev and Nick were singing a verse together at the moment. They were trying, anyway. There was apparently something missing, cause Bryce had made them redo it about a dozen times. "It still isn't ringing right, guys," Bryce spoke up. "There's still something missing." Everyone got silent for a minute. I guess they were all trying to figure out what to do. Howie broke the silence first. "Dylan?" "What, Howie?" I wondered. "Go in with Kev," he said. "Huh?" I asked, lost at his point. Bryce's face brightened as he obviously figured out what Howie was thinking. "That's it!" he exclaimed. He grabbed my arm and pulled me outta my chair, leading me through the door. He pushed me down into a chair in the next room. I was facing Kevin and Nick. Bryce turned to Kevin. "Sing to him," he said. "What?" Kev asked. "There's a feeling missing from this, man. So, sing to your boy here and let's see what happens," Bryce told him. He walked back into the booth, then, leaving me sitting there staring at Kev and Nick. "Alright, let's try it again," Bryce's voice came through the speaker into the studio. I tried to sit very still and quiet. I didn't want to make any noise on the recording. Nick started the verse a few seconds later. He sang a few lines, then let his voice fade as Kevin started up. Kev's eyes met mine as his voice filled the room. Nick came in a few moments after that, adding his voice to Kevin's. The harmony was gorgeous. Kevin's eyes never left me as he and Nick soared through their lines. I sat staring at Kevin, lost in the beauty of the moment. "That's it!" Bryce's voice on the intercom broke the spell their voices had cast. I shook my head, glancing away for a second. "That was perfect, guys," Howie piped in. Nick clapped a hand on Kev's shoulder. Kevin was still staring at me. He gave me a small smile, which I returned. "Thanks for the help, D," he said softly. I just nodded. "Ok, guys, I wanna run through AJ's solo now," Bryce said. Kev, Nick, and I headed for the door just as AJ came back through it. He grabbed my arm as I passed by. "What, you're not gonna stay for me?" he joked. Kev took my hand before I could respond. "No, AJ, he's not," Kev said, smiling as he led me out of the room. "We're gonna go take five." We left the others in the booth and walked out into the hall. Kev led me down a few rooms to what appeared to be a lounge. He walked over to a couch against one wall and sat down, pulling me down so I was lying across his lap. "Having a good day off, D?" he asked as we settled in. "It's been interesting, actually," I replied. "I don't really know much about this part of your work, so it's been cool to watch." "It's fun, in it's own way, but it can get tedious some days. Usually, we're not repeating the same stuff as much as we have today. But, sometimes it happens," he said. "Well, it might be a week or two before I can hear the song again without cringing, but it was still worth it," I said. "If nothing else, I got to spend the day listening to you sing to me." "I'm not sure that's been a blessing or not, D," he joked. I smiled back. "Ya know, I don't think you've ever done that before," I said. "Done what?" he wondered. "Sang to me. Solo, I mean, not in a concert or something," I replied. "Really?" he asked. I chuckled. "Trust me, Kevin, I think I'd remember if my world-famous-pop- star-boyfriend had graced me with a serenade," I told him. "Well, we'll have to rectify that some time, huh?" he said. "No, YOU'LL have to rectify that some time," I said. He chuckled. "I promise, D, someday, I'll serenade you `til you can't stand the sound of my voice," he joked. "That might take a while, Kev, cause I don't think I could ever get sick of your voice," I said. We settled again, just enjoying each other's company. Kev's hand found the back of my neck, lightly stroking back and forth. I sighed in contentment, relaxing against him as we sat together on the couch. "D," he broke the silence a while later. "What happens now?" "I dunno, Kev," I replied softly. Neither of us spoke for another moment. "Well, when do you have to head back?" he asked. I sighed. "I haven't really decided," I replied. "Anna wasn't too happy that I took off like this. If I go back, I won't be able to leave again for a while." "What d'ya mean `if' you go back?" he wondered. "I...I just did a lot of thinking on my trip, is all. I'm not so sure that this job is gonna be right for me anymore." "Are you gonna quit?" he asked. "I don't know," I replied. "I don't want to. I really like my job, and the people I work with." I paused. "But, I'm starting to realize that I need something with more flexibility." "I mean," I continued, "what happens when you guys are out on tour again? That's not gonna just be a few weeks, that'll be months without being able to see you. I won't do that." I paused again. "Frankly," I whispered, "I don't think I can." Kev squeezed me in his arms. "I couldn't either, D," he said. "But I don't want you givin' up a job you love for me. I won't ask you to do that." "I know, Kev," I said, "and even if you did, I'd still make the choice based on what's best for me." "Well, suppose you do quit," he said. "What are you gonna do then?" "Even if I quit my job now, I'm still gonna have to work," I told him. "I have bills to pay. The car, the mortgage, life." "Well," he said slowly, then paused, "you could eliminate a big chunk of those if you moved in with me." I sat up, then, looking in his eyes. I saw something there that I didn't often see. Pleading. He was practically begging me to say yes without even saying a word. "That's a pretty big step, Kev," I replied. "I know it is, Dylan," he said, taking a deep breath. "But, I'm ready for it. I think we both are." He stopped a second before continuing. "I wanna be able to come home to you. And when we're apart on the road, I wanna know that you're there, waiting for me when I get back." "So, you'd like me to just lay in our bed and pine away for you while you're off roaming the world, huh?" I joked, smiling a little to lighten his mood. He smiled back. "Exactly, sweetie," he said. He got serious again. "Actually, I'd prefer it if you could travel with us, but I don't know how much we could arrange that. Especially when we go on an international tour." "Lemme think on it, ok?" I asked. He looked disappointed, but he nodded. I tried to reassure him. "Kev, I do want to move in with you, really. But, I have to do it on my terms. I don't wanna feel like I'm mooching off of you or something." "I understand, Dylan," he told me. I leaned in to give him a kiss as thanks for his understanding. "I love you, Kev," I whispered against his lips. "I love you, too, D," he replied, just as quietly. To be continued...