Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 19:24:04 -0700 (PDT) From: Luna Subject: Free Free: A Short Story By Luna Disclaimer: I don't know NSYNC or any members of their group.. any truth in this is merely coincedence.. but since its fiction its HIGHLY unlikely.. I don't mean to imply anything about the members of NSYNC nor do I wish any of them harm. (blah blah blah yakkity schmakitty) don't read this if you're underage or its illegal. (I hate writing disclaimers) Note: Congrats to all the winners in the BBSA's. I *love* feedback *hint* bandaidstuckonme@yahoo.com Thanks to Matt for being an awesome beta-reader. On with it already, right? LOL. here you go. A whisper. "Can I kiss you?" A sigh. "No." The pain begins- the body's mutiny. My whole being wanted that kiss. I wanted to kiss him senseless. A groan. "Why not?" "Because." A cop-out answer. "Cuz why?" His accent poking through his voice. I sighed. "Because then I'll have to kiss you back. And then after that I'll have to deal with all these feelings. I don't want to deal with them, Just. I love you but, now isn't time for a relationship." Eyes roll- a fucking interview answer! "Then when?" "When?" "Yes, Lance. When? When the hell do we get to deal then?" A sigh. Resignation. It's too hard. "I don't know." Tears..and a pair of wet pillowcases. *** Don't touch. Don't touch. It was my new mantra. I wanted to break it so badly. Don't touch. But his curls were so touchable. They begged to be touched and pulled, and tested. Don't touch. He'd crawled into my bed an hour before and fallen asleep almost instantly. He didn't say anything, he didn't talk, he just laid down, snuggling into the covers and went to sleep. He was a confusing guy. I wasn't going to sleep with him there, I knew. I loved him, wanted him- but I couldn't have him... not now. Justin asked me that all the time now. He'd asked me when for the first time almost a year ago and since then he asked about once a month when I thought it'd be time for an us. I wondered if he had as much trouble keeping his hands off of me as much as I did keeping my hands off of him. Justin rolled over in his sleep, cuddling his face into the pillow, revealing the creases that were now pressed into his face. I got up and walked into the bathroom, flicking the light. I blinked back tears at the hard florescent light and washed my face with cold water. I knew I was going to have horrible bags under my eyes in the morning from this. I walked out, flicking the light off and crawled into the bed, my entire body now tingling from the sheer proximity of his body. Don't touch. "Lance-" a sleepy voice was asking me in the dark. "Hmm?" "Where'd ya go?" "Bathroom." "Hold me, Lance." Pause. "Please." "I can't Justin. We've discussed this before." Justin rolled over to look Lance in the eyes, despite the darkness. "I can't wait much longer, Lance. It hurts, Lance. Literally." "It's not that I don't want to-" I stuttered out. I was on the verge of tears myself. I wanted to run screaming to Johnny right there and tell him and management and the entire world that I was in love with Justin Timberlake and I didn't care what they thought, that we were going to be happy- but that wasn't to be. "Then-" "Justin- its just that... I just- we'd have so much to deal with- maybe when this gig is up- when we've all had our fifteen minutes-" Justin nodded and sniffled. "I know...." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, too." "I hate this." "Me too." Justin stook a shuddering breath and I could see a few tears running down his cheeks. Don't touch. I want to! Don't touch! I pulled him into my arms, offering what comfort I could, hoping I could control myself- Don't kiss him! I want to.. but I know. It was kinda funny how my inner demons or whoever it was that seemed to argue against me sounded eerily like Johnny. I held him tight to my chest. "Sleep, Justin. The sooner you sleep the sooner tomorrow comes.. and then another tomorrow and many more- and some day it'll be our day." I heard Justin whispering quietly a small prayer to God or whoever he thought was listening- "Soon, please, soon." *** We never saw it coming- instead we woke up to it like the sunrise. It was over. "Lance, wake up." I woke to hearing this repeated over and over, a voice, familiar but choked, tired and scared. It's distress called to me. I took the frightened man into my arms, holding him close like I had so many other times to comfort when I knew that I was the only way to that peace. I rocked him in my arms holding him close. "Justin-what's wrong, baby?" He buried his face into my neck, pressing his warm tears against my skin. "It's over," he whispered quietly, against my shoulder. What was over? Lord, please not our relationship- anything but that, please. "Wha-" A knock on the door interrupted us, when JC walked inside. I went to pull away and Justin held me tighter. As Josh got closer I saw the tears in his eyes as well, the hurt, the fear. "What happened?" He sat down next to us, wrapping his arms around us both. "Chris is gone. They had a car accident-" Oh God. NSync was over. He was the dream weaver, the spirit, the backbone- and he was gone. The dream was gone. Our spirit was broken. I clutched the man I wanted so badly to allow myself to love, even closer to my body, now craving comfort as well as to comfort but something in me knew that comfort right now would be as slippery and elusive as a wet bar of soap could be. *** I stood there, staring at the freshly dug earth.. cursing it. Why did it need to be touched? Why? Why for my friend? I felt a warm hand wrap around mine, and I turned fully expecting to see Justin standing there, as he had so many times in the last few days, just standing close, hoping to draw whatever comfort he could from me, as if I had any to give. I wished I did. I wished I could make all his tears disappear. Instead of my precious Justin I found a tired comforting face, wearing a lopsided smile, the kind that happens only when you're trying to cry through your tears- the half-hearted kind. My mother. I turned to her like any child would to their mother, hoping for comfort in the arms of their protector, care-giver, nurturer. I sobbed into her sweater, inhaling her scent that I hadn't smelled in _so_ long. She'd always worn White Linen perfume for as long as I could remember and today was no different. "Mommy-" She wrapped her arms around me, trying to help but she couldn't raise the dead anymore than I could. We clung together, not caring who watched, who photographed, who clucked their tongues at a public display. "It'll be all right baby, you'll see." It wasn't going to be all right. I didn't want to tell her I didn't believe her comforting lies so I simply clung to her tighter. "Mommy..." Justin watched from across the yard, watching our pain- wondering if maybe someday, it'd be okay.... Someday? *** Oh God, I feel so alone. The ache had never gone away- not in all these years. I missed him like I missed the ability to smile, like I missed Chris- I still felt as if my entire body had been stripped of all its spirit. I remembered back to all the times when Justin had asked me when I thought there'd be time for him and I. I remembered all the times I said I didn't know, the tears, the hours spent in each others arms pretending that it was all innocent- that we weren't in love. The sobs that shook through my body made the ache worse. I reached for the phone on the nightstand and dialed the number I'd memorized long before. "Hello?" His voice now calmed me, when once my voice had calmed him- or maybe it had only calmed the both of us. I don't know but, it felt like a breath of fresh air and a dose of cool water on a hot humid July day. "It's me." "What's wrong?" We have this ESP now. It's very frightening to experience- to have a soul linked to yours. "It hurts, Justin." "I know." "Is it safe now, Justin?" I felt like a little child asking if it was okay to have dessert now that I'd finished my dinner. Ironic that now that I'm an adult myself I feel so child-like at times when as a child I'd marveled that I felt so adult. He only took a heartbeat to respond. "Yes." It was this bittersweet joy that poured through my veins at his answer. I wanted to cry I was so happy- finally after all these years just maybe he and I could be happy together- I could finally kiss him? It's funny how our tear ducts are connected to our most extreme emotions: fear, sadness, joy, confusion.... "I'll be there soon." "Kay." I heard a click and then I turn off my phone, grabbing my keys and heading for the car. I drove in a haze, doing a steady five over the speed limit the entire drive from Kissimee to Orlando. I stood on his doorstep thirty minutes later. I was about to ring the bell when the door opened and Justin stood there, filling the doorway. He'd been cute as a teen but now he was something else altogether. He was handsome, and sexy and dangerous looking. He had an aire of sadness that would linger in his expression and it threatened to lighten as I smiled up at him. I could barely muster my voice enough to whisper hoarsely to against his lips as they lingered just moments from my own. "Can I kiss you?" "Please do." *** it's time to be what i need to be. you can't tell me what to do anymore. now i'm free. now i'm free. *** Except lyrics by VAST "Free" from their new album Music for People in stores sept. 16. *hint hint plug plug* feedback? bandaidstuckonme@yahoo.com