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It's been a very boring night now that the show is winding down.  Ken has been hounding me to sign on with another play that he's directing.  I've done almost everything to avoid him, but nothing seems to work and he's not taking the hint.  Why avoid him, I know Ken, he's only out for one thing.  He wants me sexually and I don't want him.  All he wants is a piece of the Italian Stallion and I'm not willing to give it to him.  Ken is only out for one thing, sex.  Don't get me wrong, sex is fun and all, but I'm in no mood to be with him sexually for a hookup.  I don't want something sexual with him that won't last.  I don't want something sexual with a guy that I don't feel anything for.  I want something sexual with someone that I love; someone that I have more than an ounce of feelings for sexual or non-sexual, something that will be long lasting for the long haul of my life.  What I want is something I know I can't have.

Oh God, what I want...I want something I know I can never have.  The guy I have my eye on is like a brother to me, but he's my best friend.  Over the years, I fell in love with him and all of his manly ways while touring with him.  I've adored this guy from afar and always wished that I was the girl on his arm everyday, every night, and everywhere he was.  With my luck and the life that we lead, he was the one thing that I wanted, that I could never get.  Hell, he's straight as an arrow; I don't stand a chance to the world of pussy out there.

This guy is the star of most of my daydreams and nighttime fantasies.  When I masturbate, I don't think of other gay men, I only think of him.  Let me tell ya, he's nothing like those other men I've been with, if he were gay like me, I'm sure he would take me gently and I would do the same with him.  With my reputation the way it is, I've been known to be a sex-crazed maniac that throws caution to the wind when it comes to sex, but that isn't me.  I like to take things slow and easy.  I like to spend time savoring each smell, taste, touch, emotion I experience with the person I'm with.  With him, I know I would have a wonderful time doing that.

Right now, I'm waiting for my bags to arrive on the baggage carousel.  Once I get my bags, I'll get to my rental car and head to mom's house.  I don't know why I agreed to come out here; I just should've stayed in Los Angeles.  What was I thinking?  I really didn't want to come home this weekend, but mom insisted on having this get together for the family and our closest friends.  I don't think I'll be able to handle being around the guys right now.  I don't want my emotions, my hormones and my anger to get the best of me.  That sounds just strange to feel sorry for one of them, be in love with another one and then couldn't stand being around the other one.  This is surely going to be one of those weekends.

Arriving at mom's house, the first thing that hits me is the smell of her home cooking and then I hear the sound of someone arguing, who I don't know.  Walking into the backyard, I see Justin and Lance going at each other like fucking guard dogs.  Probably because of the way Justin's been acting in the spotlight lately.  Since he left us and went solo, he's been a real bitch to all of us.  It's like you really never know how a person is going to be until they make it big on their own.  Well we found out the hard way, Justin was happy to get away from us, or that's what he says in most of his media interviews.  He claims us, as in «N Sync was holding him back and that when he left, he was able to sing the music he wanted to sing.  That really pissed me, Lance and Josh off royally, but it hurt Josh more than the rest of us.

"Hey!  What the hell is going on back here?"  I ask, looking at Lance and then at Justin, glaring at him as he backs down somewhat.

"He started it!"  Justin shouts at me as I raise my eye at him.  "Well he did.  Don't fucking look at me like that."

"Someone needs to take the diva-tude back to the door and leave it back there.  I'm not going to put up with this all fucking weekend," I say, looking at Lance as he just closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Joe, I wasn't trying to cause problem.  I'm going back inside now; I'll talk with you later."  Lance states, looking back at Justin and then walking back into the house.

"What did I just break up here Justin?"  I ask him, getting closer to him.  "Are you spouting off more of your popularity shit?"

"Look man, I'm not here to get into this with you guys again.  I'm here because Phyllis invited me here, since it seems she's the only one that's happy that I'm successful."  Justin tells me, glaring at me like he was trying to rub his words in my face.

"Are you trying to say the rest of us aren't successful?"  I ask him.

"You tell me Joe.  It seems I'm the only one of us from «N Sync still singing.  I'm the one that's still traveling the world performing and rolling in the dough.  So you tell me Joe, are you successful?"  He asks me, smirking at me.

"I'll have you know I have a good career as an actor and a Broadway star.  I don't need you or anyone else to tell me if I'm fucking successful or not!"  I shout at him as I feel hands on my back.

"Joe calm down," I hear the sound of my fantasy guy's voice.  "Just let it go.  Come inside with the rest of us.  He was leaving anyway; let him go to his meeting."

"Another jealous has been," Justin says, walking past me and Josh and heading for the gate.

"Why I oughta..." I start but Josh interrupts me.

"Don't waste your time Joe.  Just let him go.  Everyone has their day.  He'll get his soon," Josh says, looking down at the ground.  "Come on, why don't you come on inside.  I'm sure everyone would like to see you."

"Yeah I guess so," I say as I walk into the house with Josh following me.

"So how was your flight?"  He asks me, opening the door for me.

"It was okay, I slept most of the time anyway," I say, walking into the kitchen to see ma and Karen standing there with frowns on their faces.  "Hey ma, how you been doing?"

"I'm doing okay son, how was your flight?"  Ma asks, hugging me tightly and then letting me go as Karen hugs me too.

"It was okay I guess, I slept through most of it.  What do we have here?"  I ask her as she lifts a pot cover to let the aroma ease out.  "Mmmm, that smells good ma."

"Well I'm quite sure it does, I made it," she says, smiling as Karen laughs.  "You get on in there, we're still busy.  The others are in the family room."

"Okay ma," I tell her as I kiss her on the cheek and walk out of the room, heading towards the family room.

Changing my mind, I head out the front door to sit on the stoop, hoping that would clear my mind of the recent onslaught of Diva Justin.

What am I going to do?  I knew this would be a disaster.  I haven't been here a good twenty minutes yet and I've already blown up at the divine queen better known as Justin Timberlake.  Is this trip going to get any better?  I don't think I can survive this weekend for long if it doesn't.  When Josh touched me, I felt my heart skip a few beats.  That one touch sent shivers up and down my spine doubled.  I've always craved his touch, but now it just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like I thought it would.  I hoped that we would get a chance to see each other under better circumstances without the aura of Justin being around us, but this is life.

Jeff was right.  I probably could have been happy with him, but what I wanted was Josh, not him.  I must admit that we had a wonderful relationship, but I kept comparing him to Josh.  That pissed him off to high heaven.  Hell, any man would get angry and leave if they were constantly compared to a man that you had never had any sexual experiences with.  I guess from his end and all the other men, that's a hard thing to deal with.  I guess I should have saw what was in front of me instead of wanting for something I knew I would never get.  I'm just a big fuck up.  Maybe Justin's right.  Am I really successful?

"Hey, are you okay Joe?"  Josh asks me walking outside and sitting down next to me.

"Ah hi Josh.  Ahhh yeah I'm okay, just thinking about some things."  I tell him as he looks up at me.

"You're thinking about what Justin said too?  He's some piece of work.  I don't know how someone that says he's our friend can be so hurtful to us," he says, moving his hand up to his face as if he was wiping his eyes.

"Yeah he is a piece of work.  I guess the stardom went straight to his head.  Fame corrupts everything it touches.  If you get enough of it anyway," I say, looking down.  "I'm glad I don't act like that.  I'm glad you, Chris and Lance don't act like that.  I don't know what I would do if you did."

"I'm glad too.  I value you guys more than anything else.  You're all part of my family.  I don't think I can ever get over it if you turned out like Justin.  I just don't know why I was in love with him all those years.  I'm glad now I can honestly say that the love I had for him died when he became `Diva Timberlake'."  He tells me as I'm sure my eyes went wide and I looked up at him.  "Yeah Joe, that's what I said.  I was in love with him."

Oh my fucking god.  Sounded like he just confessed his love for Justin.  He just came out to me.  This is just my fucking luck.  I've always wanted to hear that he was gay, but not about him being in love with someone else.  I guess this is how the guys I've turned down feel when hearing what I feel about Josh.  Oh yeah, I need to get my things and just go to a hotel for tonight and then just go back home.  I'll just go hide away in my house and just pig out and that should do the trick for a couple...

"Joe did you hear me?"  Josh asks me as I snap out of my thoughts and look up at him.

"Huh?"  I ask, not really hearing anything else he had said since he commented on his feelings for Justin.

"I said, why haven't you said anything.  Are you going to hate me too for being gay?"  He asks me.

"What?  Why would I hate you?"  I ask him, looking at the tears running down his face.  I so wanted to hug and kiss him, but I'm not going to get my hopes up and have all of my wishes shattered again.

"That's what Lance and Justin were arguing about earlier when you got here.  Lance found out some of the crap Justin had done to me and wanted to defend my so called honor," he says, looking down at the ground, playing with the string on his shorts.  "Me and Justin were arguing and I told him how I felt about him and he blew up at me."

"Arguing about you being gay?"  I ask him, still wanting to touch him.

"About him, Nick and Cameron," he says, sniffling.  "He was making some wise ass cracks about how I wish I was either Nick or Cameron and that it's no wonder why I always hung around him.  He then called me a pedophile."

"A pedophile?  Why would he call you that?"  I ask him.

"I'm older than him remember.  He was a teenager when he joined the group Joe."  He reminds me as I shake my head.  "In his mind, he thinks I was lusting after him.  So he chalked that up as me being a pedophile.  That hurts, hurts really bad."

"I'm sure it does Josh," I tell him, letting my emotions get the best of me as I lean over and pull him to me, hugging him tightly as he gasps and melts into my touch.  "He's not here now.  It's going to be alright."

"But it still hurts.  He didn't have to say all those hurtful things to me," he says, crying on my shoulder as I rub his back.

"I'm sorry Josh.  I'm sorry that you had to deal with him in that manner."  I tell him, as I pull back and look at him, the hurt in his eyes.  "I'm sorry that you loved someone that didn't love you. I don't know why you would love someone like him when you could be in love with someone more loving than that."

"Someone like who?"  He asks me, his eyes looking into mine.

Instead of answering his question, I decided to take things in a different direction.  Still looking him in the eye, I smoothed his hair back, pushed a few strands from his face and leaned in and kissed him passionately on the lips.  Expecting him to pull away from me, he leaned more into me and deepened the kiss while holding me tighter, moving into my lap to sit crossed-legged on top of me.

"I know Joe," he says as we break for air.

"Know what?" I ask him, looking at him confused.

"I knew all along that you were gay," he says, letting his arms linger around my neck.

"You did?  How?"  I ask him, letting my hands rest at his side.

"Let's just say I know a hot guy that has a high temperature," he says, smiling as I think about that for a second and the reality of who he was talking about sunk in.  "I see you know who I'm talking about."

"Yeah I do know now."  I tell him, thinking about how bad I had hurt Jeff.

"Yeah and now you got me," he says, leaning in and kissing me again.  "You were traveling through space and time.  I've been trapped in this world of mine.  You came down from nowhere, you're blowing my mind."

Oh God this is a dream come true.  He's singing to me.  I don't believe this.  This is soooo romantic.  He just don't know what he's doing to me.

"Cause I've been waiting patient for a love that's mile high.  Floating over galaxies, we'll fly..." He sang, kissing me again as I recognized the song he was singing to me.  "You got me, you got me, you got me, Joe you got me."

To Be Continued...