Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 03:34:14 -0500
From: Kathrine <storykath@operamail.com>
Subject: How Can You Love Me, chapter twenty

Legal disclaimer: not real, made up. If you're not old enough to be here or
can't handle m/m stuff, then get lost.

Author's note: well, things are starting to get somewhere again. We have about
three more chapters to go, peeps. Then the story's over. If you wanna tell me
something, then you know where to send a mail. Enjoy the story.
Love and looneytunes from Kat.
Back chapters and more at my site :
http://www.angelfire.com/boybands/KathFiction/Main.html

 - How Can You Love Me, chapter 20 -

Thinking to himself that this was a bad, bad idea, Joey pulled up in front of
the building that held Allie's new office. Next to the entrance there was a
list of names and doorbells, he could see it clearly even from over in his
car.

He really didn't want to do this, but he had promised Allie. Maybe it would
even do him good...that was if he could stay in there. Every time Joey even
thought about sharing the full story with someone, telling somebody about what
went on during those nights he had tried so hard to forget, scared the hell
out of him.

"It's just a meeting to work out a schedule," he told himself, wondering what
window Allie's office was hiding behind, and is she could see his car from up
there. "You won't be talking about Jim today, so relax..." Reluctantly Joey
got out of his car. The few steps over to the door took forever.

Third buzzer down from the top read Alexandra Prescott, followed by her
medical degree. Still wenting to turn and run away, Joey pressed it slightly,
the answer was immedeate. A second later he found himself in a large, grey and
blue hall. The elevators were in a corner, giving off their small dings
everytime a door opened and closed. With a sigh Joey went into the nearest and
pressed the button for the sixth floor.

Allie's office was to a large degree just as Joey had expected. Dominated by a
large desk, filled with a ton of papers and files, it was decorated in bright
colours, but carefully toned into each other to not make it too strong for the
eyes.

"Hey, Joe!" Allie greeted him with a smile. "I'm very glad to see you." She
was wearing a dark red suit, with a white blouse underneath. Her long hair was
pinned up in a messy top.
Noticing his look, Allie took a bow. "This is work-me. You like?"

"It's different, allright," Joey admitted. "But you look good. Serious."

She lead him to the small couch and two chairs over by the window. Her windows
didn't have an outlook of the parking lot in front. Instead Joey could see a
small park.

"I chose this office because of the vue," a voice next to him said. "I think
this is a little more soothing to look at than a big flat lump of asphalt.
Now, let's sit down."

As they both had taken their seats, Joey had to smile. "Just for the record,
I'm not laying on some couch, dechiffring ink blots."

"And I who was going to do that next!" Allie looked disaapointed, then she
smiled. "I'm not that kind of therapist, Joey. Not for this kind of
councelling anyway. We don't need to figure out a cause for what's troubling
you. We need to figure out what it has done to you and how we can deal with
it." She leaned back and looked at him again. "I have to say this, Joey, I had
expected a cancellation call from you before this."

"I did think about it," Joey replied, playing with the cuffs of his jacket. "I
think I am saving that for the first real session."

"I'll keep that in mind," Allie promised. "Now, in two weeks you'll be back on
the road. So we'll use that time well and let's say...make appointments for
Tuesdays and Thursdays? When you're on tour, you can call me at any time, if
you need to talk about anything, ok? And after you're back, we'll see how
things go. For now I think we should at least have two sessions a week."

"Ok," Joey answered meekly. "If you say so."

"You're allowed to disagree with me, Joey," Allie said gently. "We're not
going to get anywhere if you just follow my lead at all times. I know that we
have a history, but when we're in here I'm the therapist and you are my
patient. It's important that you feel safe enough to tell me what I need to
know. You are going to have to be honest with me, Joey, or this isn't going to
work."

"I know, I know," Joey sighed, "it's just that... I don't know if I can tell
everything... Some stuff is just...I can't even make myself think about. How
am I supposed to talk about it then?"

"We'll work out way through that," Allie answered. "This is going to take
time, but I guess you already know that. Believe me, if there was a way I
could fix this in one take, I would."

"Well, we got the Tuesdays and Thursdays, haven't we," Joey tried to smile.

"That we have," Allie replied. "So, have you thought about when you want to
start? Tomorrow is Tuesday..."

"I can't be here tomorrow," Joey hurried to say. "We're leaving for Georgia,
Atlanta, to do some TV Show down there. It's some charity thing. But we won't
be back until Wednesday night. We just were told this morning."

Studying him for a second, Allie responded: "Then maybe we should start now,
today? How does that sound?"

"Terrifying," Joey admitted, looking more and more nervous by each passing
minute. It took almost every ounce of strength in him not to just get to his
feet and leave as fast as he could. But that felt like another defeat, and he
was getting sick of running away and always having to push the bad memories
further and further into the back of his mind to keep them from resurfacing
again. So he stayed.

Allie leaned back, her notepad and pen laying within the reach of her, on the
table. "I'm going to ask you some questions, Joey. You answer them as best you
can. If something feels too intimidating now, then you don't have to push
yourself. This is just an initial talk, ok? Now, tell me about how Jim and you
got together."

Half an hour later, they had gotten to the first argument which had led to the
first hit.
After hearing Joey tell what had happened, Allie decided to call it a day.
"You're doing the human turtle-move," she explained, "which usually means that
someone has had enough."

"Turtle-move?" Joey asked, relieved that she wouldn't be asking any more
question.

"You're trying to be a human turtle," Allie told him. "I've seen it a lot of
times. When things get scary enough, we try to get back inside our shells,
only that humans don't have them. So basically we just tense up, pulling arms
and legs tightly to our body, shutting ourselves off. Like you're doing now.
So I think you've had enough."

"I think you're right," Joey mumbled, trying to force himself to relax again.
"I really, really don't like talking about this stuff..."

"I can understand that," Allie replied. "And don't be worried, we'll be taking
this in small steps at a time. So, you'll be back for Thursday? How about we
set an appointment for three o'clock?"

"I'll be there," Joey told her. "Well, I hope. I'll do my best."

"Have you thought any more about telling JC?" Allie wondered, trying to
decided how much she was going to push the issue. "It's still completely up to
you, but personally I think it's for the best. And he'll wonder where you're
going when you're here."

Joey looked thoughtful. "I think I am going to tell him. He will be pleased,
he told me just a short while after we got together that he thought I should
see someone...someone like you. And that brings me to another issue. Money.
You're going to treat me as a regular patient, and that also means I'll pay
for the sessions."

Holding up her hand Allie answered: "Joey, you're my friend, I don't want you
to..."

"I want to," Joey said, cutting her off. "Please don't argue with me on this,
Allie. I want to do this." Seeing her nod, he smiled slightly. All of this
still freaked him out, but it was getting better, it had to get better.

*****

The flight left early in the morning. JC went to sleep four minutes after take
off, curled up tightly to Joey. Chris played cards with Lance, while Justin
divided his time between ogling his boyfriend and teasing Chris. It was an
uneventful flight, which all of them appreciated. Joey was sitting by the
window, feeling the weight and warmth of JC next to him. He had sorta decided
to tell JC about his appointments with Allie, it was just difficult to find
the right moment. As JC sighed a little and shifted in his seat, Joey thought
that this was a good as time as any.

"Honey?" he asked softly. "Are you awake?"

"Mhmm," JC mumbled and burrowed into Joey's side. "No."

"Then how come you're answering me?" Joey wondered, lifting his hand to run it
through JC's dark hair.

"No idea," JC replied. A little while later he yawned and sat up. "No, really,
I'm awake. What's on your mind, babe?"

Right then it was how incredibly cute his boyfriend looked with his hair all
ruffled and a sleepy look on his face, but Joey quickly set that thought
aside. He needed to get it said before he lost his nerve. Even if he knew JC
would be pleased, he still felt very uneasy talking about anything that had to
do with Jim. "I got something to tell you," he started, not sure how to
continue.

Looking more alert now, JC sat properly up. "Is everything ok, Joey?" he asked
worried.

"Yeah," Joey said, taking his hand. "Don't worry, everything is fine. It's
just that I need to tell you something. Remember, last weekend, at Chris and
Allie's party? Allie and me had a talk out on the porch, and we talked about
what happened between Chris and me and stuff..."

"But you two cleared things uo, didn't you?" JC asked, "I mean, you're not
still mad at each other or something?"

"No no no," Joey hurried to say, "you know everything's fine with shorty and
me. But she said something else...that made me think... I wasn't so much upset
with Chris not believing me, as I was with myself for actually telling
someone. I still feel somewhat like that, like I made a mistake in telling,
that I wasn't supposed to do that."

"Oh baby," JC sighed, pulling him close in a hug. "I for one am very glad you
did tell, this thing was slowly killing you..."

"I'm glad I told too," Joey replied, leaning into the hug. "But talking with
Allie made me realise a lot of stuff, and that's why I agreed to what she
suggested."

"What do you mean, love?" JC was looking curiously at him.

"Allie's a trained psychologist, remember? She knows what I feel about seeing
a therapist about what happened, and to make the whole thing a little less
frightning she suggested that she would function as my therapist. So yesterday
I wasn't at my parents, like I told you, I was at Allie's, at her office.
Sorry about lying to you like that, but at that point I wasn't even sure that
I really was going at all."

"That's allright, don't think about it," JC murmured. "How did it go, if you
don't mind me asking?"

"Not at all," Joey smiled. "Ask away. And it went better than I thought it
would. We even started a bit with the actual sessions. It was painful, but
Allie's great, she is very good at what she's doing, you know. I'll be seeing
her every Tuesday and Thursday."

"As much as I hate be without you at any time," JC told him, "that's some
hours I'll gladly give up. I love you, sweetie."

"Love you too," Joey replied, giving JC a quick, soft kiss on the mouth. Even
if they were almost alone in the cabin, he knew they couldn't risk more. "I
want to kiss you properly," he whispered to JC, "but that's going to have to
wait until we get to the hotel..."

"That's a deal," JC smiled back, still holding Joey's hand. Getting a
mischiveous look, he leaned closer in to whisper into Joey's ear what exactly
he would like to do when they did get to their hotelroom.

A while later the plane landed and they were all shooed into the car that
would take them to their hotel. The interwiew at a local TV station was to be
recorded the same night and aired the following week. Next morning the would
be back on the plane, heading home for Florida again.

Chris was chosen to go get their room assignements and keys, and managed to
keep his smirk from showing as he was delievered key cards for their suite.
The darkhaired woman behind the counter smiled professionally, with just that
extra little bit of interest that of course went un-noticed by Chris, but to
general amusement among his four friends.

In the elevator up to the flooe they were staying at, JC asked Chris about the
look. "She was totally flirting with you, man," he grinned. "And you were,
like always, oblivious."

"She can flirt all she wants," Chris exclaimed. "After I got together with
Allie again, I know that there isn't any other woman for me...she is the only
one."

"Oh that's so sweet!" Lance said, smiling. "I would never have you pegged for
a romantic, Chris."

"Does that mean that there could be other men for you?" Justin wondered,
receiving a smack over the head. "Hey!" he protested half-heartedly and rubbed
his curls. "I was only asking..."

"Why would I want any guys?" Chris asked. "I've got Allie... Not that she's
anything like a guy, but... Oh you know what I mean!"

"Yes, we do," Joey told him. "Nevermind those airheads." That caused more
laughter, as JC now all but pushed them out of the elevator before somebody
pushed the button at another floor and sent them down again.

"Gee, impatient much, Josh?" Justin mumbled, and was smacked in the arm this
time, by his boyfriend.

At last they were all settled in their rooms. Chris went to call Allie, JC and
Joey disappeared into their room behind a closed door and Lance and Justin
cuddled up on the large cream-coloured couch.

The day drifted slowly by. Lance and Justin decided that they wanted to go
shopping and talked Chris into coming along. Knocking on JC and Joey's door,
Lance had to smile over JC's: "Nah, I think we'll just chill out here for a
while..."

"They're just going to chill out in there for a while," he proceeded to tell
Justin and Chris.

"Yeah, I believe that," Justin snorted. "Chill out, my ass... And don't even
think about saying that, Chris."

"I wasn't going to say anything, Just," Chris said innocently.

"Come on, let's go," Lance interrupted, getting all three of them out of the
suite. "Leave the love birds alone."

*****

After quite some time spent in bed, and a nice, long shower afterwards, Joey
and JC were in the midst of getting dressed. From time to time getting
distracted by kissing and cuddling.

JC finished buttoning his short-sleeved red shirt. "I'm gonna run downstairs
for a bit, baby. I want to get a newspaper. I'll be back in a minute."

"Ok," Joey answered, trying to figure out where his right show had ended up.
Locating it underneath a chair, he picked it up. Sitting donw on the bed to
put it on, he smiled at JC who was standing in the door. "Now don't be long,
honey."

"I won't," JC promised.

The door closed behind him, and Joey went to search for his other shoe. This
one had landed next to a large shelf housing the TV set with more. As he was
tying the shoelaces, he heard the door be opened again. "Hey Josh," he said
without looking up. "That was quick?"

"Josh?" an alarmingly familiar voice asked. Then he could hear a sigh, like
from a parent whose child had disapointed him. "I always knew that pretty boy
had the hots for you, but I never thought you'd be stupid enough to go with
it..."

Slowly setting his foot down on the floor, Joey couldn't make himself look to
the door. He didn't want to have to confirm what hearing the voice already
told him. It couldn't be...it wasn't possible, after all this time. Why would
he come back now? Surely he was dreaming again, having another nightmare,
brought on by ripping up old memories he had spent a lot of months trying to
repress.

Finally lifting his gaze it fell on a tall, muscular built man standing in the
door. When Joey met a pair of cold, dark brown eyes, he knew that he wasn't
getting away with anything as easy as a bad dream.

"What's the matter, Joey," Jim asked. "You're not happy to see me?"

P.S. To Michie, 'cos she was asking me a question the other day in chat...
Well, I'm back in evil mode, girlie ;)