Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer. I'm not one of them. I don't know them. This isn't really about them. Hell, this isn't even real. If you don't remember the 70's....shoo, go play with your dolls =) You shouldn't be here. And, email me .. address is at the end.
A little explanation....Lance's words will be written in black. His.....will be in a different color so as not to confuse. You'll get why as you read the story =) (I hope the colors come through)
Here goes ....
I felt so special in his arms. It had taken us so long to get to this point that I relish every second that it happens. We've each liked the other for years before either of us had the nerve to say anything. We both talked to the others about our feelings, but begged them not to say anything for fear of rejection. It's silly that they didn't do anything about it; being that they knew the truth and that we both liked the other. But, hey, they're our best friends. So, they respected our wishes. Damn friends! I could have spent more time in his arms. But, then, I'm being a hypocrite by saying that, I did tell them not to say anything after all.
I've always been a chicken about relationships. Being gay and all has its drawbacks when it comes to dating. Being famous doesn't help either. Every place that we go, we get watched. I long for the day when all of this will be over and I can just sit on our back porch together, take a walk on the beach hand in hand, kiss him without looking around to see who's watching....but that's not to be. Not for a long time yet.
He shifts and snuggles into my chest. I readjust myself to continue writing. He's so cute when he's sleeping. I smile to myself and begin to think back to the week that IT happened. The week that changed my life forever, that changed it for the better. We had been on the road for about 6 or 7 weeks by then. Bus ride from town to town and hotel after hotel. As we pulled into the Dallas hotel parking lot we were met by out road manager. He told us that we'd have to double up in rooms tonight, something about a convention or something in town. Now, this is generally not a big deal, but I just knew that I was going to get stuck rooming with HIM. The one I dream about, the one that I lust after, the one that, with a simple smile, lights up my world. I knew it would be arranged like that, especially since Chris got to our manager first, guaranteeing himself a single room.
We paired up, just to my thinking, him and me, Chris by himself, and the other 2. I always did my best to avoid seeing HIM partially clothed. I'm getting goosebumps now just looking down at his naked form. I knew that I wasn't going to be so lucky though. I'd have to see him get dressed for bed. I'd have to watch him climb into that other bed, leaving me alone in mine. Alone, wanting, needing, lusting, aching to just say, 'please, be with me'. I shook these thoughts out of my head as we headed up on the elevator. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. I could control this. It's been so long now that I've learned to hide my feelings..for the most part. I slip up now and then, but nothing that a good natured laugh or a sheepish grin can't smooth over. I wish I knew, that night, how he felt about me. It would have made things a whole lot less awkward. I wouldn't have had to lock myself in the bathroom while I changed for bed or turned my back, as he walked around in just his boxers, trying to hide my uncontrollable erection. That was going to be the undoing of me, I thought at the time, the fact that I could get an erection just looking at him, clothed or not. He seemed so non-chalant about it, strutting around, just going about things as normal, while here I was, lying in my bed, a wreck, with all these passionate feelings. I wondered at the time, if he knew, if he was testing me, seeing if I would do or say anything. He finally shut off the light, climbed into bed and said, 'Good night Lance.' I was brought out of my trance at the sound of his voice, 'Uh, night J.'
Writer's Note - ** Justin? J.C.? Joey? Not gonna tell you yet !! =)~~~ **
I sat in my bed staring at the ceiling. Waiting for him to fall asleep. He must have been doing the same because a few minutes later he whispers, 'Lance. You awake?' I didn't answer for some reason. It was dark enough that he couldn't see if I was awake or not. 'I guess not. I suppose I just wanted to talk. Talk....that's all I ever do is talk. Talk to you, talk to Chris. I never have the nerve to..'
'TO WHAT??' I screamed in my head.
'God, now I'm talking to myself.' he chuckled to himself before saying, 'Good night Lance, buddy, love ya.' and I heard him roll over.
Buddy. That's how he saw me, as a buddy. I really wish that he loved me in THAT way, in more than a buddy kind of way, in the way that I love him. But, I suppose it was not meant to be. I lay staring in the dark for a few more minutes before I slowly fell asleep.
"Lance. Lance. Get up. We have to get back on the bus. Wake up sleepy head.'
My eyes slowly adjusted to the light streaming from the windows. And there, standing over my bed was my angel, my dream. Even in the newness of the morning, he looked amazing. His eyes sparkling in the sun.
I closed my eyes again and said, 'Ugh. Too early. Leave me here. I'll catch up to you guys later.'
'No can do buddy. Up and at'em', he said, ripping the covers off my body.
I heard a slight gasp come from his mouth and he turned and rushed into the bathroom.
It was then that I remembered that I was naked. Thank God I was lying on my stomach.
I quickly threw some clothes on. He peered slowly out of the bathroom.
I laughed and said, "I'm sorry about that. I'm dressed now. You can come out. Besides, it's not like you haven't seen me in next to nothing before.'
'Yeah well, never while we were rooming. I'm sorry for pulling back the sheets.'
'It's okay really. So, you saw my ass. Big deal.'
'Too bad you were on your stomach', he whispered under his breath.
'What was that?' I asked him.
'Hmm? Oh, nothing. We need to get ready. Breakfast is in like 15 minutes. Go take a shower Scoop.'
'I'm going. Sheesh. I'll be out in a jiffy.' I turned to walk into the bathroom. 'Hey, can we talk later? Alone? I need to ask you something.'
'Why not talk to me now?' he asked me.
'It's kinda complicated. I need some advice about something and it'll take a while. I want to make sure we aren't rushed. How about after we get back on the bus?'
'Ok. Sounds good to me. Breakfast is at Chris' since he has the single. Meet me there?'
'It's a date.' I said, laughing.
'Go shower, you silly southerner' he laughed and left the room.
I started the shower and began to lather myself up. I let my hands linger in one particular spot too long as I thought about him walking around shirtless, in just his boxers. After releasing some much needed pent-up desire, I finished showering and got dressed and went to breakfast.
I walked in and was instantly met with, "Hey Lance. Nice ass.' Geesh, nothing is ever a secret around here. I smiled and turned beet red. I am really shy after all. I sat down and ate and we all just chit chatted about this and that. Mostly about tour and how grueling it was. I mean, it was exciting on one hand but hard, hard work at the same time. I'm not sure how Justin and J.C. can sing like they do every night. It still amazes me. Not that Joey, Chris and I are slouches, it's just that those 2 are the leads and all. It's a little easier for me, being underlying harmony and all. Not that I'm knocking myself. I've busted my butt just as much as the others. It just seems that I'm the one that's taken for granted sometimes.
He stirred in my arms again, bringing me out of my writing. 'Are you still writing?'
'Yes, now go back to sleep. It's still too early to get up. The sun isn't even out.'
He yawns and stretches a little and then clutches me tight, 'If you say so.'
I kiss him on the forehead and he smiles. I sit staring at him for a few minutes, watching him slip back into a deep sleep. I then re-read the last part that I wrote.
We never did get a chance to talk that day. I went from breakfast to meeting and then to practice and to the concert and then finally to the bus to sleep.
Ah, the bus. The good old bus. Our second home. We started out that night as we all slept. Well, some of us slept. He and Chris stayed up talking.
'Why can't I bring myself to tell him Chris? I mean. I know he's gay. He's GOTTA be. His hair is always so perfect, every spike is just right and his eyebrows. How many straight men do you know that trim them? And I get lost in those green eyes and then there's his lips.....' he faded off into dreamland.
'Hey. Hey!' Chris snapped his fingers a few times. 'Snap out of it. Man, you've got it bad. You need to do something about this and now.'
'But, if I'm wrong? Chris, I can't do that to either of us. I'm not willing to take that chance. God, I'm so much in love with him it scares me and it hurts. It's a good hurt though. I think about him all the time. And rooming with him, Jesus, I just wanted to climb into bed with him and hold him all night. To hold him and have him rest his head on my chest and feel him drift off into sleep. Do you know what I did this morning, hm ? I sat on my bed and watched him sleep. Watched him sleep, for like two hours. I never let my gaze leave him, I never turned my head. Hell, I'm not even sure if I blinked. I wondered if he was dreaming. If he was dreaming of me. I could always hope at least. And if I tell him now and he doesn't feel the same, I'd lose him all together. I can't risk it. No, I've made up my mind. He can't know.'
'But...if you just...I dunno...talked...told him how you feel...How much you love him...' Chris tried to give some advice without breaking the promise.
'No. I can't. I..I won't. And you won't either. You promised, not a word to him.' he said, shaking a finger at him.
'I know. I know. Stupid me. I wanna just go tell him for you. But, I told you I wouldn't say anything and I won't', Chris answered.
'Good. I'm off to bed Chris. Night. And, thanks. You're a great friend Chris.', he said as he slowly walked toward his bunk.
Chris sighed and shed a little tear, as he watch his friend pass my bunk and stare, longing to climb in with me and hold me. He lingered outside my bunk for a minute or so and finally kissed his hand and placed it against my curtain. He climbed in his own and shut the world out, keeping his love inside. .
The next few days were a blur. We went from rehearsal to the bus to the concert to the bus to meetings to the bus. It was non-stop. FreeLance wasn't helping any either. I've got so much added responsibility with that now that I can hardly get the time to even see him, let alone talk to him.
Finally, a day off. Today was going to be THE day. I was finally going to tell him how I feel. What he means to me. How I've always felt. But, I was nervous too. What if he didn't want me? What if he wasn't even attracted to men..to me? But, each day is getting harder and harder to go on. I need to know. I need to be loved. I need HIM.
'Justin. Do you have a minute?' I asked him as he passed through the kitchen on his way to the back of the bus.
"Yeah Lance. What's up?' he said, sitting down.
'Ok. I know we've gone through this like a thousand times. But, I need to be sure. Are you positive I should talk to him?' I asked, rather quickly. **Ok, so its not Justin =)**
"Oh geez Lance. YES !! Yes, yes and yes. Talk to him.' he got up and started walking away.
He turned back to me and said, 'For what it's worth, if I had someone who obviously loved me as much as you love him, I'd want to know. And regardless of how it turns out, he still loves you, even if it's not in the way you want it to be. Remember that Lance. He'll always be there for you, not matter what.' With that he turned and left.
As if on cue, he and Chris came bounding in from the back.
'Hey, what was Justin yelling about up here?', Chris asked as he grabbed some water from the fridge and HE sat down across from me.
'Uh, nothing important really. Can I, uh, talk to you alone?', I asked, not looking up from my hands.
He got up from the couch and said, 'No problem. I'll leave you two alone.'
'No, wait. I was talking to you.' I said, grabbing his hand in mine.
He looked down at me and I started to get misty eyed. Chris slowly backed out of the room and went to talk to the others, leaving us alone.
He sat down beside me with a look of worry on his face, wondering why I was almost close to tears. 'Lance, buddy, what's wrong?'
'I...I have something to tell you. Something you may not want to hear. But, it's something I have to tell you. If I don't do it now, I may never get the nerve to do it again.' I noticed that I was still holding his hand and that he hadn't pulled it away. In fact, he was rubbing his thumb along my fingers, trying to calm me. I looked down at our hands together and smiled.
'I know what you mean.' he said, sighing.
'We've been friends for what? 8 or 9 years if not longer.' I asked him. I knew exactly how long, I have the day marked him my calendar. 'And we've become really good friends, right?' He nodded at me.
'Well, somewhere along the way, I...' I looked up into his face and I started to cry. I was feeling so many things at once. Relief. Fear. Pain. Happiness. Joy. I was finally going to get this out in the open and admit what I was feeling.
'Hey, hey, hey. Lance, stop crying please. You're gonna make me do it.' he whispered and pulled me into a hug. Got it felt so good. To finally have him hold me, really hold onto me.
'I love you. I've loved you for years now. You're the one I think of before I sleep. The one that I pray, for God to protect in the night, so that I can see you in the morning. I know you may not feel the same way, but I had to tell you before I burst.' I said this all in one quick sentence, barely taking any pauses to breathe. I figured, if I did it quick, it would be less painful.
Then I felt him shaking. And I heard him start to cry. I tried to pull away and look at him, but he just held on to me and cried. I pulled him in tighter, cradling my hand around his head. He stayed that way for a few minutes. I was a little confused. Was he happy because he felt the same way, was he sad because I have such love for him that he'll never be able to return.
He finally calmed down and pulled his head off my shoulder. I looked down and he slowly put his hand under my chin and lifted my head to make me look into his eyes. Even through the redness and the puffiness, I could see his spark. The same spark that makes me love him.
'I...' I started to speak.
It was like the world was in slow motion....he was kissing me. I was in shock. Total and utter shock. Have you ever wanted someone so badly and when you finally got him, you didn't believe that it was real? That's how I felt. Honestly, to this day, I don't remember that first kiss. I was too busy making sure it was real.
As our lips parted, we leaned our heads together and he slowly, very softly whispered, 'I love you more than life Lance.'
I looked up and into his eyes, still not believing that what I was feeling was real. But, what I saw there confirmed it. He loved me. Plain. Pure. Simple.
'I've wanted to tell you the same thing for so long. It was eating me up inside. Ask Chris...he knows. I've talked to him, and all the guys for that matter, about this but I wouldn't let them tell you. I didn't want you to hate me.' he told me.
'Hate you? I could never, ever hate you. You're the one thing in my life that remains constant. No matter where I go, who I'm with, you're on my mind and in my heart. I love you Joey. And I will for as long as I live.'
He grabbed me into a hug again and I smiled as the happiness my heart felt finally made it into my head.
'Can I go do something. I'll be right back.' I said getting up. He looked at me a little puzzled, but nodded.
I walked half-way to the back so that I was standing almost in the middle of the bus and I stopped and turned and looked at him. He still had that same puzzled look on his face. I smiled again and turned my head and shouted, 'Justin, J.C. Chris?' they poked their heads out from the back room, 'HE LOVES ME!'
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