Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 18:05:30 EDT
From: FourHim821@aol.com
Subject: "It's not just me" Part Four by Mandi

Don't know them, or anyone else that is or ever could be associated with
them, except for the few that think, "they own them".  But I don't.....so on
with the good stuff......


Part Four

"Hold me now and tell me that you do believe in a soul mate, tell me......"

    Justin wasn't his normal grumpy self the next morning, and it didn't go
unnoticed by Josh.  JC watched Justin intently, wondering why the boy didn't
look at him crossly like he seemed to do every other morning?  What JC didn't
know, was that to Justin, today, he didn't have a reason.  Josh had told
Justin last night that he loved him, and that was enough for Justin to get up
the next morning as happy as can be.  But underneath the whole charade Justin
couldn't help but think, he loved him, but wasn't in love with him.  Justin
forced himself to see it from the other point of view, he was happier that
way.

    JC just shrugged, who knows, he told himself, and went about what he did
every morning.  That night he was going back out with Dallas, maybe this will
get my mind off of Justin, it had to, he had to forget.  Justin knew Josh's
plans for the evening, but he kept telling himself that if he told Josh he
felt the same way, then he would take Justin, and not Dallas.  The phone rang
in JC's office, they had two phone lines, and he got up and ran to catch it
before it stopped ringing.  Justin followed behind him,  wanting to hear what
the conversation was about.  He leaned against the door, straining to hear
Josh's voice, and by the end of the conversation, Justin wished he was dead.

    "Hey" Josh said.
    "This is Lance"
    "What's going on, and why are you calling me?"
    "Just wanted to know if you wanted to go out tonight?"
    "I have a date tonight, otherwise I would."
    "So, you and Justin finally hooked up."
JC took in a sharp breath, "no, I'm going out with Justin's friend Dallas,
why would I go out with Justin?"
    "No reason, sorry I said anything, I just thought maybe you had told him?"
    "I can never tell Justin, he'd hate me if he knew the truth."
    "Justin could never hate you, you know that."
JC sighed, he knew, but could never convince himself it was the truth.
    "I know, but he may already have the wrong idea."
    "What happened JC?"
    "I told him I loved him last night."
    "That's good Jayce, isn't it?"
    "I just hope he didn't take it the wrong way, he was unusually happy this
morning, or maybe it's because he got a good night's sleep?"
    "I think he feels the same way Josh, why don't you just tell him that you
meant it THAT way?"
    "I can't, it's just not right, Dallas is picking me up in two hours, I've
gotta go and get ready."
    "Fine, I can't make you do something you do wanna do."
    "Exactly, I don't want Justin, I want Dallas."
    "Keep telling yourself that Jayce, maybe one day you'll believe it."
    Lance hug up after that, and JC sat there, wishing someday he can make
himself believe it.

    Justin, only hearing JC's side of the conversation, took it all wrong.
"So he doesn't love me like that," he told himself, "I've lived with it this
long, I can live with it till the day I die." With that, he walked up stairs,
and went straight into the bathroom, he's also learned how to live with it.
Physical pain, he read somewhere in Europe, somewhat can dull emotional pain.
 So for the past few years, that's what he's done, it doesn't hurt as much as
what's in his heart, but it'll help.  So because he hurts so much today, he
decides he needs more "pain" to dull the ache in his chest.  He rolled up his
sleeve, up past his shoulder, then decided against it there, the last time he
did that he had to explain how he ran past an old nail, and he was forced to
have a tetnus shot.  He slowly took off his pants, if he did it on the bottom
of his hip, close to the top of his leg, no one would really be able to see,
unless he didn't have on any underwear.  He grabbed the razor blade, and
carved two slashes into his leg/hip, then did a third, because the first two
weren't enough.  he quickly grabbed some band aids, he had to have something
soak up the blood, otherwise it'll seep through his pants, and he'd really
have explaining to do.  He got up off the toliet lid, and put the razor back
into his bag, pulled up his pants and walked out the door, with the material
rubbing up against the slashes, making every step painful, Justin wouldn't
have it any other way.  What he didn't know was the little blood droplets he
left in the bathroom floor.

    Josh quickly got himself up to go upstairs and take a shower, he needed
to be ready in an hour, so he could go and get a pair of shoes before Dallas
came and picked him up, unless he can borrow a pair of Justin's, God only
knows he has enough pairs.  First he stepped into the bathroom to hang his
clothes on the towel rack, when his bare foot came in contact with a cold
liquid on the floor.  He looked down, and saw droplets of blood on the floor.
 'What the hell?!?' he thought, Justin was just in here, and this blood isn't
dried, why would Justin be bleeding?, maybe he cut himself shaving, but he
shaved earlier that morning?  JC opened the door with some force, heading
directly towards Justin's room, wanting to figure out this mystery.  JC had
forgotten to turn off the water in the bathroom, so Justin thought that Josh
was in the shower.    JC opened the unlocked door to see Justin standing
there, changing underwear, because by the looks of it, the other pare were
stained with blood.

    "What the hell happened Justin?" JC asked, staring at the shocked Justin.
    "I...uh...I...."Justin suttered.
    "You what, how did you cut yourself there, did you run into another nail?
 I know you didn't, there isn't a nail sticking out in this place.  I just
thought the scars on your legs were from being little, but now I know
something else is up.  What's wrong Justin, why can't you tell me what's
going on?"
    "I have to Josh, if I don't I'll go insane." Justin said tears
threatening to fall.
    "Have to what?"
    "I have to cut myself, it helps me, makes the other pain subside, a
little."
    Josh was in shock, what other pain, Justin had everything, what the hell
pain does he know about?
    "what's wrong Just, you can tell me, what makes you...cut...yourself?"
    "I can't tell you, no one can know, I have to keep it secret."
    "No you don't Justin, you can tell me, if it causes you to do this to
yourself, I'll fix it.  Whatever it is Justin I'll fix it, I promise."
    "Whatever it is, you promise?"
    "Yes, I promise."
    "Can you love me?..."
    "I do Justin, you know that...I do love you."
    "NO...LIKE THE WAY THAT I DO, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!" Justin screamed
and collapsed, wanting the emotional pain to end.
    "I do Justin, I've loved you for so long, I never thought you'd love me
back...oh Justin, I do, I do love you." He said tears falling himself,
wrapping his arms around Justin, rocking him back and forth.
    "You do?"
    "Yes, I've loved you forever, I want to be with you; but on one
condition."
    "You'll be with me, forever?"
    "Yes, on one condition."
    "What's that."
    "You stop cutting yourself."
    "I promise, I don't have a reason to anymore."

*****Thank you to the people who have been writing to me...I really
appreciate it.  The next part will come out soon....so keep your eyes open
for it.****