Date: Sun, 26 May 2002 17:17:02 -0400 From: Writer Boy Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 104 Obligatory warnings and disclaimers: 1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here. 2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction. Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them. Back to the story in progress. ***Jack*** Andrew was more or less quiet for the rest of the morning, but Josh and I weren't feeling particularly chatty, either. On the plane, we were in different sections again, so we didn't have to see him. I was still going back and forth about how I felt. On the one hand, I was pretty sure Andrew was pissed that Josh had drawn such a firm line with him, no matter how justified I thought it was. On the other hand, he wasn't really acting all that pissed. He wasn't acting at all out of the ordinary. Maybe Andrew was really just a brusque, taciturn guy who took his job a little seriously. Maybe I only thought he was pissed because I would be in his place. I mentioned it to Josh over a game of chess as we flew westward, but he didn't really think it was that serious. "Well, Jack, I see your point, but I really don't think he's mad," Josh said. "All of his references said he was like this. He's overprotective, but that really isn't such a bad trait for a bodyguard to have. Part of this is probably my fault, too, for not laying out our expectations more clearly in the beginning. I should have done that, because I'm used to this more than you are. I'm just sorry that it upset you." I smiled, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Josh, that's sweet, but I told you, it only upset me because it caught me off guard," I said. "It was just him right up close, yelling, and it kind of pushed my buttons, I guess. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know that would upset me so much. Besides, you know me. I don't like feeling restricted." "That's the truth!" Josh agreed, laughing. I gave him a strange look, and he elaborated. "When you were in the hospital I thought we were going to have to strap you to the bed to get you to follow Dr. Swan's orders." "OK, maybe," I agreed, mulling it over. "But Josh, that place was medieval! They left you alone when you slept there, but they were always in poking me, or squeezing, or something. I swear half those tests were just so they could look busy." "You are so paranoid," Josh laughed. He knew how much the hospital preyed on my nerves. "But I love you anyway." I laughed along with him, but I didn't want to drop this just yet. "Josh, maybe we should involve Andrew in this a little," I said, thinking. "We're taking this kind of by the seat of our pants. Maybe he'll be able to help." "Are you sure?" Josh asked. "I know how you are about privacy, and he's not exactly a close friend." "He's not a friend, but he's friendly, and we should treat him the same way," I said. He had seemed pretty comfortable with us during Washington part of the trip, as if he was opening up a little, and I didn't want to lose that, especially if the next part of the trip was going to be emotionally intense or draining. "Josh, he's along for the ride, either way. I'd much rather have him as part of a team than feeling like we're working against him." Josh nodded, leaving it to my judgment, and we went back to our game, or, more accurately, series of them, since Josh continued to dominate the chess arena. I resolved to do something about this at some point, to put myself on more equal footing with him. When we landed, we went to the airport restaurant with Andrew, and I explained as much about the situation to him as I could, without really going into all the details of my relationship with my family. Instead, I just outlined that I was looking for my birth family, and that this was all the information that I had. We had printed out maps of the town before we left for the honeymoon, and I removed them from my carryon, laying them out on the table between the three of us as we sipped our drinks. A search of the phone listings had confirmed that the lawyer still lived there, and still had an office. It was still early in the day, but I wanted to get on the road soon, as it was a few hours' ride from Denver to get to the town. "So what's the plan?" Andrew asked. He seemed intrigued by this whole thing, and a little more pleasant than he had in the morning. I smiled, and Josh caught it and smiled as well. Already things seemed less tense. "I figured we could drive there tonight," I began. "Josh has a car reserved for us to pick up, and we can roll into town and check into a hotel to put our bags down. After that I think we should go straight to the lawyer. He's got the answers." "Sounds solid," Andrew said. "You want to wait, or do you want to go get the car?" "Let's go get the car," Josh said, smacking some money down on the table to cover our drinks as I folded the maps back up. I leaned over and kissed him, and he smiled at me as we waved a porter over to help us with the luggage cart. We loaded the bags into another massive SUV, having caught up with our luggage again, and Josh made a concession of his own. "Andrew, do you want to drive?' Josh asked, holding my hand. I squeezed his tightly to let him know that his effort was appreciated. "Sure," Andrew said, the stone face cracking open into a smile. He waited until we were a good twenty minutes or so into the drive, Josh and I leaning back against each other in the backseat, both of us looking out the same window, before asking the obvious question. "So, Jack, why didn't you just call this lawyer?" "I want to see him in person," I answered. "It's too easy over the phone if he doesn't want to help me for him to hang up, or not return my calls. This will be a lot harder for him to avoid." "Good plan," Andrew agreed. Unfortunately for us, though, my plan didn't work out quite as I'd hoped. After the car ride, switching radio stations and singing along at the tops of our lungs to several different kinds of music (Josh and Andrew, as musicians, had eclectic tastes, which meant I had no choice), we checked in at the hotel, dropping our bags in the rooms. It was a nice enough place, a little smaller than Josh was used to, although it seemed positively spacious after the airport Howard Johnson from last night. Consulting the maps, Andrew drove to the lawyer's offices as I sat in the front passenger seat. Josh leaned forward as much as he could with his seatbelt on from the back seat and the three of us peered out the windshield. "It looks like a house," Josh said. Travis Favato, Attorney at Law, had his offices in what appeared to be a quaint gingerbread trimmed Victorian, in a neighborhood of similar establishments. On one side was a dentist's office, on the other a veterinarian, and across the street was a funeral home. "It is, but I don't think he lives there," Andrew said. "No cars in the drive. And look, no partners, either. Only his name on the shingle." "Good catch," I said. I heard Josh unhook his seatbelt, and felt his hand settle comfortingly on my shoulder. "That could be a good thing, though. If it's just him, he must deal with all the clients personally." "We going?" Josh asked as I unhooked my belt and popped open my door. I nodded. "Andrew, could you stay in the car, please?" "Sure," Andrew said, shrugging. "Try not to get assaulted, and yell if you need anything." "Funny," I said, smirking and shutting my door. I felt a little unsteady, a little fluttery, and Josh sensed it and took my hand as we walked up the sidewalk. I looked over at him, and his eyes were sparkling with reassurance. We walked up the front steps and I knocked on the door, banging the brass knocker hard, but there was no answer. Josh and I glanced at each other and tried it again after a few seconds, but there was still no answer. "Josh?" "Look," he said, pointing. I felt like an idiot for not noticing it at first, but I had been so keyed up when we walked up to the door that all I could see was the knocker. The door was one of those old-style ones with tall, narrow windows on either side of it, and the one on the right had hours of operation frosted into it. The offices were closed today, and only open in the afternoons the other four days of the week. I cursed inwardly, realizing that a phone call would have told us that. Before I could do anything else, though, Josh hugged me tightly. "Stop beating yourself up," he said. "This is a stall, not a roadblock. It doesn't matter that you didn't call. We have all the time we need to come back tomorrow." "How do you know me so well?" I asked, burying my nose in his hair for a second. He smelled so fresh, but also kind of musky. He smelled comfortingly, reassuringly, like my Josh. "It comes from love," he said, leading me back to the car. We both sighed as we climbed into the back seat. Disappointed, I wanted to lean on Josh for a while, and soak in his presence, even if Andrew did insist that we wear our seatbelts in the back for safety's sake. "Well, guys, what do you want to do now?" Andrew asked. "It's too early for dinner." "Let's go to the hospital," I said, looking at the clock. "Maybe we don't need Mr. Favato after all." The hospital was my second plan. I knew that I needed one, in case the lawyer didn't want to help me. Although I had been tentative about coming out here, now that the plane had landed I was ready to go all out to solve this, and find out whatever we could. More than anything, I just wanted to know. I was ready to follow any trail, run down any path, and I was ready to do it now. Josh, sensing my resolve, squeezed my hand, and watched me carefully for signs of stress. He didn't say it, but I knew he was worried about the strain. Later I would probably start worrying again about whether or not my family would like me, but right now I just wanted to know who they were, and how to find them. We pulled into the visitor spots at the hospital. "We need to find the information desk," I said, as the three of us got out of the car. I figured we would look more important if I had an entourage. "They must have a records clerk here or something. All we need to do is ask to see the birth records for my birthday. Those are public information, right?" "I think so," Josh said, shrugging. "They put them in the paper." Like the lawyer's office, though, this wasn't so easy, either. Josh and I sat in padded chairs across a large desk from the Chief of Records, or whatever her title was. She was an older woman with her hair drawn into a stern bun, and she sat across from us in hospital white with her face completely devoid of makeup. Her nails were cut practically short, without polish, and I found myself staring at them as she explained why she wouldn't be able to help us. "While the matter of births is one of public record, I'm afraid that I can't release specific information about patients," she said, pursing her mouth. "I don't really understand," Josh said. Andrew was waiting against the wall next to her door, out in the hallway. "What exactly can you tell us?" "I can tell you how many births of either gender took place at the hospital on the day in question," she answered, speaking very slowly to Josh as if she thought he might be some sort of an idiot. "And that's all I can tell you." I couldn't speak for a second, feeling my stomach drop like an elevator. Why was she being so clinical? "But they put birth announcements in the newspaper," Josh said, the same point he had raised in the car. "Those announcements are submitted by the people in question," she said, frowning. "We cannot release that information to you. It's a violation of doctor patient confidentiality, and it's against the policies and procedures here at the hospital. I understand that this might be somewhat upsetting for you to hear." Josh and I sighed and glanced at each other. I was frustrated, and I knew he could tell. I just felt like we were so close, like the answer was right there, and I just kept getting blocked, first by the lawyer, and now by this woman. The records were in the room right next to her office, for God's sake. She even had a connecting door, and all she would have to do was walk over there and look up the files. There had to be a way around this, a way to appeal to her. I just needed to figure out what it was. I was still staring at her hands, and noticed that there were no rings. Wheels in my head started turning. "Ma'am, I know that, you know, those rules exist for a reason, and that you have to follow them," I began, hoping that winging it might work. I didn't really have a choice, and she's already said "No", once, anyway. "But it's easy for you to say that. You know who you are. You know where you came from. You don't have to wonder what kind of people made you, or why they didn't want you. You go to sleep at night knowing full well who your parents are. Even if you don't like them, or don't get along, you at least know their names." "Look, I'm very sorry," she began, looking a little uncomfortable. I wondered if I could manage to work up some tears. If she'd been adopted, too, the little speech I just gave her wouldn't have worked, but luckily the odds had been in my favor. "I know you are, because I can tell you're the kind of lady who would help us," I said, nodding. I didn't look at Josh, because I didn't want to see his reaction to the blatant emotional appeal I was pulling. "I mean, just look at you. You're nice, and kind, and you've tried really hard to help us as much as you can. You've explained everything to us so carefully, and we appreciate that. Your kids must love you." She looked away for a second. "I, I don't have any children," she said quietly, and I felt Josh squeeze my hand. I still wouldn't look at him. "And I don't have a mother," I said, praying I wasn't going to hell for this. "I was adopted by people who didn't want children, and didn't know what to do with them. I never wanted anything, not physically, but I never had any love. I've never known what it's like to have your mother tuck you in and kiss you good night. I've never known a mother's love, not really, and this is my chance to. This is my chance to find something I've looked for my whole life, something I've searched for." "I do feel badly for you, honestly, but I can't give out that information," she sighed, looking pained. "I really am very sorry." "I know," I said, looking down at my lap. "I mean, it must be so hard for you to tell me that. You work at a hospital, after all. You want to help people, and here I am, looking for help, and you can't really do anything for me, no matter how badly you might feel about it. I couldn't ever ask you to compromise yourself like that, because I can see that you're the kind of woman who stands by her principles, and does what she thinks is right, and I respect that. I've kind of always liked to hope that my mother might be something like that." She sighed again, and I wondered if this really was working, or if I was reading her completely wrong. Josh had my hand in a death grip, and I could feel that he was pissed, probably because he was disappointed in me. It was easy to think that, since I was disappointed in myself for stooping this low. Josh and I had built our relationship on honesty, and it was very important to both of us. What I was saying right now wasn't dishonest, exactly, but it still felt dirty, and I didn't like doing it. That was the difference between Josh and I, though. I might not like it, but I'd do it if I thought I had to. I wanted to go shower for a couple of hours when this was over. "Since you've tried so hard to help us, we should do something nice for you, too," I said, turning to Josh. His face was neutral, or at least would be to her, but I could see the lines around his mouth, and the little frown crease between his eyebrows. "Right, Josh?" "Right," he said evenly, nodding slightly. "That's really not necessary," the records woman said, her head tilting to the side. "No, no," I said, as we all began to stand. "It's the really the least we could do. I was just thinking that, you know, you must have some patients in the children's ward upstairs who would be thrilled to meet Josh. Why don't we go up, and just do a quick run through to brighten up their day? Then, you know, we could let you get back to your work, and we could be on our way." Josh's hand convulsed tightly around mine, practically snapping the bones. I continued to smile sweetly, as if I weren't in intense pain, but I had them both, now. Josh might be pissed at me, but he wouldn't take it out on sick children. "You wouldn't mind?" she asked him, her eyes lighting up. Thanks for helping, lady. "You'd really do that?" "Of course I would," Josh answered, smiling at her with that beaming charm that melted women of a certain age. "Why don't we go up right now?" I asked, grinning. "We don't want to interrupt the dinner hour, or their time with their families." "That's so thoughtful of you," the records woman said, coming around her desk. The three of us stepped out into the hallway, where Andrew had been patiently waiting. "The elevators are this way." Josh and I walked along, the records woman on his other side, and I didn't look at him, even though I could feel his eyes drilling into me. Andrew, behind us, didn't say anything either, but I knew he had heard everything in the hallway, and I wondered what he would think. He was a little more practical minded than Josh, so he might be kind of ok with it, but I still felt like a dirty schmuck for playing on this poor woman's frustrated sense of motherhood. At least I hadn't outright lied. When we turned the corner of the hallway I played my last card. "Oh no!" I said, looking panicked. Everyone glanced at me. "I left my bag in your office!" The record woman looked at me, her eyes narrowed a little, and I looked straight back, trying to make my face as entreating and pitiful as possible. I'm not good at looking needy, or, at least, I like to think I'm not. "You'd better go get it, then," she said quietly. "Why don't you meet us up on the third floor?" "We will," I said, smiling. "Thanks." "Andrew, go with him, please," Josh said. I could tell Andrew didn't like splitting up, but maybe Josh thought he would keep me out of further trouble. As we rounded the corner, heading back to the office, Andrew spoke. "That was interesting," he said neutrally. His face looked amused, but still controlled. "Don't start with me," I grumbled. "I'm already going to get yelled at later, ok?" "I didn't think you had it in you," he said, chuckling a little. "I'm just full of surprises," I said, scanning the hallway. No one was around, and I didn't see any cameras. I opened the office door, and pulled Andrew in with me. Crossing the office, I had my hand on the doorknob of the records room when I felt Andrew's hand on my arm. I turned to him. "What?" "Jack, you're about to break into the records room of a hospital," Andrew said bluntly, giving me this weird look. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" "We're not breaking in," I rationalized. "The door is unlocked, and the woman clearly knows that I'm going in here. If anything, you're just bettering the odds that we get caught by slowing me down." "Regardless of whether or not that poor woman you just played knows you're going in here, this is still unethical, if not illegal," Andrew said, folding his arms across his chest. I hated staring up at him, especially when he was right. "Look, Andrew, your moral outrage is duly noted, ok?" I snapped, annoyed. We were so damn close. "I'm not telling you to come in with me, or to help. Go wait in the hall if you don't want to be a witness, ok?" "I never said that," Andrew said, smiling a little. "I just wanted to make sure you're aware." "Oh, I'm aware," I said, opening the door. I looked inside to see if anyone else was around. The room looked kind of like a library, with bank after bank of cabinets, and I flicked on the lights, stepping inside. Andrew followed me, carefully closing the door behind us. "Now what?" he whispered, his eyes scanning for other doors and windows. "I don't know," I said. "We have to figure out how this is set up." Splitting up, Andrew and I began to look through the files. The first wall we found was all patient files, in order by name. That wasn't going to do us any good, since I was born here without one, but we checked under "Springer" just to be sure. Fanning out, we began randomly opening cabinets, trying to find anything that might be done by date. The records room had been set up in what was apparently the former basement, which meant that the banks of cabinets rolled on into the darkness, lit by hanging ceiling lights. I couldn't believe that nothing here was on microfiche, or on computers. Maybe we needed to send them a grant or something. "Jack!" Andrew called excitedly. "Come here! I've got something!" I jumped up from my drawer of old ward logs and ran over, peering over his shoulder as he knelt on the floor. "Look," he said, gesturing. "I found the logs from OBGYN. They're in order by date. When's your birthday?" "Andrew, if I wasn't taken I could kiss you," I said after I gave him the date. "I don't think I'd like that, but thanks," he said dryly, closing the drawer and dropping down to the next one. "What time were you born?" "There wasn't a time on the birth certificate," I said, shaking my head. Andrew frowned. "Go over to the patient files," Andrew said. "There are only four boys for the day you were born. If I give you the names of the mothers, maybe you can look them up, and we can cross reference or something." "Good idea," I said, hurrying over. On my way I noticed a photocopier tucked against the wall. "Go." Andrew began calling off the names, and I went to the folders. The first one was a strike out, and I swore softly. "What?" Andrew asked. "There's a birth certificate in here for the boy," I said. "Blue eyes and blond hair. Give me the next name." The second one had a notation for a birth, but no certificate. The files on the whole seemed a little slipshod, not surprising considering they were all on paper, but I thought it was promising just the same. The top page had name and address information that was dated three years ago, meaning it could still be current, and I excitedly photocopied it. Andrew gave me the next name, which was also missing a birth certificate. Worse, the address information in the file was almost as old as I was, but I copied it anyway. Even if it wasn't current, it was a start. Andrew read off the last one, but I didn't copy it. "No dice?" Andrew asked. "The baby was, um, the baby died," I said sadly. "It's not me." Both of us were quiet for a second, thinking about the poor baby that hadn't lived. I don't know why it struck such a chord with me, but I felt even worse suddenly. Andrew tapped my shoulder as I stuffed the papers into my bag. "We better get out of here," he said. "I think we're running out of time." Andrew turned out to be right. As the elevator opened on the third floor we almost collided with Josh and the records woman, who were chatting animatedly as they waited for it to arrive. When they saw me she smiled warmly, but I caught an edge of frost in Josh's gaze as I apologized for taking a little detour. The visiting had apparently gone very well, and the nurses on the floor loudly called thanks to Josh as the two of them got in the elevator. He thanked the records woman for taking the time to talk to us, as did I, and she thanked him for stopping to see the children. We got out at the lobby, waving goodbye to her, and she wished me luck with my search. As the elevator doors closed, Josh's smile dropped. "Josh?" I asked quietly. He glanced at me for a second, and then turned to Andrew. "Could you take us to the hotel, please?" he asked quietly. "Sure," Andrew answered, glancing back and forth between the two of us. Josh turned to me as we walked to the car. "Did you get everything you needed?" he asked, his voice still holding that sharp edge. Josh and I hadn't fought since the early days of our relationship, when he had asked me after our first weekend if I would move in with him, and I had refused. I wasn't sure of what to do, or say, so I just answered. "I think so," I answered quietly. Josh stepped past me to get into the front of the car, leaving me to sit alone in the back seat, and I felt very small. "Good," Josh answered, not looking at me. Andrew glanced at me in the rearview mirror, but his eyes, as always, were unreadable. When we arrived back at the hotel, we climbed out of the car, and I stood by Josh, not sure if I should take his hand. I needed to talk to him, needed to get this out, because this was killing me, and he had completely frozen me out. I'd seen him do it to Justin when he was mad at him, and had seen him to it to Stan, but I never thought he'd do it to me. I'd hurt him, really hurt him, and I didn't know what to say or how to fix it. I wasn't even completely sure of what I'd done wrong. "Do you want to get some dinner?" Andrew asked. "I don't think this hotel has room service." "If we haven't called you in an hour, consider yourself free for the night," Josh said quietly. He turned and keyed open our room, and I followed him inside. As soon as the door was closed, I reached out, touching his shoulder, and he spun around, shrugging my hand away. "Josh?" I asked quietly, feeling my eyes water a little. His eyes blazed at me. "I've never, ever been so disappointed in you," he said, stepping away from me. He turned and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. *** To be continued.