Date: Sun, 25 Aug 2002 17:28:21 -0400
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 121

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy
constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy
flames, and will not tolerate them.

That said, on with Season 7.

***Jack***

"I love you, baby," I said, holding the phone tightly. "I love you, and
I'll be back with you tomorrow, ok? I swear. If I could fly out tonight and
meet you guys, I would. I swear, Josh, I'll be right there when you walk
offstage tomorrow, ok?"

"OK," Josh said, his voice tight. "I'm sorry. It's just, with all the stuff
going on, it's hard, Jack. I miss you so much."

He sounded like he might start crying, and my own chest felt tight. I could
see him pacing around his suite, his face downturned, and I could hear
Junior in the background.

"I miss you, too," I sighed. "I wish I was there to help you."

"It's ok, baby, it's ok," Josh said quickly, as if hearing the tone in my
voice. His own voice smoothed out a little. "I feel better just talking to
you, Jack. I wish you were here, though."

"I know," I said, feeling helpless. "Try to get some rest, ok? Just
remember that I love you, and I'll be home soon."

"I love you, too," Josh sighed. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok?"

"Call me whenever you need to," I said. "I miss you, I love you, and I want
you to get some sleep, ok?"

"OK," he said, and I heard the click of the phone hanging up. I wondered if
I should call Chris, and ask him to check on Josh, but I thought that he
could probably use his rest, too, and decided not to. I'd be there
tomorrow. Josh just had to make it through one night without me.

Josh had called me in tears, because he had a nightmare while he was
napping in his suite that my plane had crashed, and when he woke up he
needed to know it wasn't true. He was terrified that it was, that he would
never talk to me or see me again, and I spent about ten minutes talking him
down, and assuring him that I was safe, I was with Andrew, and that I would
be fine. When he finally got himself under control, sheepishly apologizing,
I told him over and over that it was ok, and that he didn't have to feel
sorry about it, and then he explained everything else that was wrong,
too. Chris missed Vlada and Joey missed Bri, so the two of them were down
the whole day, too, and the three of them had just fed off of each
other. Then, even more upsetting, Justin had insisted on his own suite,
which, according to Josh, left Lance moody and snapping at the rest of
them, and finally Josh had retreated to his room to sleep, unable to deal
with all of the other turmoil, and that's when he'd had the nightmare.

"You ok?" Andrew asked, leaning over my table. I had already given my talk,
and we were now at the restaurant, waiting for Kevin. Andrew was at a table
nearby, which he would presumably share with Kevin's bodyguard. I folded my
phone up, sliding it into my pocket, and shook my head.

"Not really," I answered, sighing. "Josh isn't having a good day, and I
don't want to be here. Half of it is that I'd rather be with Josh, and the
other half is that I just don't want to talk to Kevin."

"If you don't want to talk to him, why don't you just cancel?" Andrew
asked.  "I mean, you look like crap. What the hell could be this
important?"

"Band stuff," I answered. I was always unsure of how much Andrew knew. He
was bound by a confidentiality agreement, but that didn't mean I wanted him
to be in everyone's business. I didn't really want Kevin in it, either, but
it looked like I didn't have much of a choice on that one.

"You're not in the band," Andrew said, and I didn't argue it, even if it
was beside the point.

"Neither is Kevin," I said, glancing up. "They're here. Order whatever you
guys want to eat, and you don't have to talk to his bodyguard if you don't
want to."

"Jack, whatever it is you're talking to Kevin about, you'll be ok," Andrew
said, patting my arm. "You're tough, and besides, he's a Backstreet Boy,
for God's sake.  Even you could kick his ass."

"Thanks," I said, grinning in spite of everything. "You really should look
into that career as a motivational speaker."

I knew Andrew was trying to cheer me up, but our banter just wasn't going
to cut it this time. It felt empty and hollow, kind of the way that I felt
as I watched the hostess lead Kevin and his bodyguard across the
restaurant. Kevin's face was completely unreadable to me, firm and serious,
and I stood as he approached the table, shaking his hand as if nothing was
wrong, and this was just one of our regular dinners with friends. Josh and
I had hung out and double dated with Kevin and his wife several times since
meeting him on our honeymoon, and I wondered now if that really had been a
good idea after all.  Maybe we should have listened to Chris when he warned
us that it wasn't really possible for us to be friends with Kevin and just
pretend that Nick and Howie didn't matter.

"Kevin," I said carefully, waiting.

"Jack," he nodded, sitting, and I returned to my seat as well.

Neither of us spoke as we looked through the menus. We were in the back of
the restaurant, almost in a private alcove. The nearest table, where Andrew
and Kevin's bodyguard were making a show of trying to be more vigilant and
intimidating, was several feet away, and Kevin and I would be able to talk
without worrying that anyone would hear us. The waitress came back to take
our orders, and then returned with our drinks, and still we sat, neither of
us really knowing how to start. Kevin shifted uncomfortably in his seat,
taking a breath, and I cut him off, not sure of why I wanted to start
first, but figuring idly that it probably had something to do with wanting
the upper hand. It's amazing what your rambling mind will babble to when
you're nervous.

"Do you want to eat first?" I asked. "Or just get right down to it?"

"Why did you attack Nick?" Kevin blurted. I guess that was his answer.

"Why did you bring him to that party?" I barked back. "You knew something
was wrong!  You told us in Detroit, in the airport, that you knew Justin
and Nick had a falling out.  Why did you invite him to come to that party
with you?"

I realized that I was a little loud, especially for a restaurant, and I
glanced over to see Kevin's bodyguard glaring at me as if he wanted to jump
up and grab me.  Across the table, Andrew was glaring at him, waiting for
him to make a move for me, and I shuddered to think of the publicity, and
then shuddered to catch myself thinking about that. Across from me, Kevin's
bottle green eyes flashed with tension, and I wondered how to defuse it,
right before I wondered if I even wanted to. Right then, at that moment,
having Kevin dare to question me made it seem like he was taking Nick's
side, like he was helping Nick, and despite our friendship I wanted to hurt
him, the way Nick had hurt all of us. I tried to ignore it, to push it
away, but it was still there.

"For the record, MTV invited Nick to that party, not me," Kevin said icily.
"And I didn't know that whatever happened between the two of them was so
bad. How was I supposed to know?"

"You could have asked," I answered.

"I told you," Kevin began, and I cut him off.

"Yeah, you told me," I snapped. "You told Josh and I that you didn't really
want to ask, because of the way Nick is, and that you didn't think it was
your place.  Nice cop out, Kevin."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kevin demanded. "Now you're pissed because
I didn't ask? You're the one who suggested we ignore it and just be
friends."

"That was a stupid suggestion," I said. "I freely admit that it was a dumb
idea. We can't really ignore what your friends are like. That's pretty
obvious."

I was getting more pissed at him by the minute, and leaned back in my
chair, crossing my arms. Why couldn't he just realize he was wrong?

"That's a really great attitude, Jack," Kevin said, shaking his head. "If I
recall correctly, you're the one who said I shouldn't be judged based on my
bandmates. Is that ringing a bell?"

I sighed, remembering, annoyed that he was pointing out my hypocrisy. Damn
it, having him use my words against me like I had with him took some of the
wind out of my sails.

"Yes," I admitted, accepting another drink from the waitress. I didn't even
remember draining the one I had, but I was pretty upset. "Yes, I said that,
but that was before you brought him with you to that party."

"So we're back to that," Kevin said, frowning. "You're holding something
against me that I didn't even know about."

"You should have," I said. "You took the easy way out, Kevin. You knew
something was wrong, and I think you knew it was bad. Howie and Lance broke
up, for God's sake, and you didn't think to ask why? Exactly what kind of a
friend are you, Kevin?"

"I don't think you have any right to question my friendship, or my
character," Kevin snapped. "At least I've never resorted to violence. I'm
not the one strangling people in a bathroom."

"Maybe it was justified," I said. "You wouldn't know, since it wasn't your
place to ask."

I realized as we glared at each other that Kevin and I weren't going to
walk out of this room still friends. We weren't going to talk this through
and get over it, because I didn't really want to. I'd just realized as soon
as I blurted it out that Kevin wouldn't really be a good friend to Josh and
I, no matter how much he seemed like one. Maybe there were things about
their band that I didn't know, but I knew that if I said I loved someone, I
would try to help them with their pain. Kevin said he loved Nick and Howie,
even if he also said that he didn't particularly like them, and it sounded
like he just left them alone to deal with their problems. It was the
difference between saying you were someone's brother, and actually being
one. It sort of explained some of what was wrong with Nick, and with Howie,
if this was the way the people closest to them acted.

I felt something bitter twist inside my chest as I realized I felt, just
for a second, the slightest bit sorry for them. I looked up at Kevin again,
at his smiling good humor, and wondered how Josh and I both could have been
so blinded. He really was just as bad as the rest of them, but he covered
it well.

"I'm asking now," Kevin said. "Doesn't that count for something?"

"Extremely little," I said, crossing my arms. "Why did you come here? Why
did you want to talk to me?"

"Because I want to know what happened," Kevin answered, frowning. I think
he caught something in my face, because I saw his hardening a little as
well. "I want to know what Howie won't talk about, and what Nick won't talk
about, and why you tried to strangle Nick. I want to know why Joey punched
him, and why he just gave up when all of you told him to leave. Jack, what
happened? What happened between the two of them and all of you while you
were at the resort?"

"What did they tell you?" I asked, leaning back. I wasn't just going to
hand him the story.  "It'll save time if I know what's already been
covered."

"I guess that's fair," Kevin said. "Howie wouldn't tell me anything. He
said what happened between him and Lance is none of our fucking business,
and he said he didn't know what happened between Justin and Nick. Howie
says that Nick didn't tell him, and that they don't talk about it."

"Did he tell you what happened between him and Nick?" I asked. Kevin looked
at me skeptically. "Because that has something to do with the rest of it."

Kevin sighed.

"I don't know what's going on between Howie and Nick," Kevin said, crossing
his arms.  "Neither do AJ or Brian. Brian and Nick aren't close anymore,
they haven't been for years, and AJ doesn't really do much with any of
us. He thinks we used his, you know, his problem, for publicity."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "I mean, this is your personal band
stuff. Why are you telling me?"

"Because I can see the look on your face, Jack," he answered. "I can tell,
just by looking at you, what you're thinking. I consider you and JC my
friends, and I would do anything for the people I care about. I don't think
you understand, though, that my guys aren't like your guys, Jack. We used
to be, back in the early days, and when we were up at the top, too, but we
aren't like that anymore. It's hard to do what we do. You know that, from
being inside it as much as you have. People deal with it in different ways.
They either get stronger, and they get closer together, or it goes the
other way, and that's what happened to us. Instead of leaning on each
other, we split apart, and all went our own way with our own lives. We used
to be friends, and we used to be brothers, but now we're just coworkers."

"Then why do you even care why I felt like strangling Nick?" I asked. "Why
worry about what happens to him, if that's how you feel?"

"Because of the way I used to feel," Kevin answered. "Call it misguided
loyalty, or maybe just hope. I don't want to give up on Nick, or Howie,
either, but I can't help either of them if they keep trying to shut me
out. I promise, I won't say anything to Justin, or Lance, or JC, if that's
what you want. I won't ever talk to any of you again once we leave this
table if that's the way you want things to be, but please, help me help
them."

The waitress arrived again, carrying dinner, before I could say anything
else, giving me time to think. I wasn't sure how I felt, but the things
Kevin had just said sounded a lot more like the person I knew and had
become friends with. Maybe it was just my suspicious mind twisting things,
or maybe he really did mean what he said.  Maybe he did just want to help
his friends. I debated going to the bathroom and calling Josh for a little
guidance, but wanted him to get some rest. I could deal with this on my
own, and would tell him all about it later. I'd just step carefully
deciding how far to go, and how much to share, and would have to take it as
it came. As we began cutting into dinner, which was doubtlessly wonderful
but had been rendered as tasteless as paper by the tension and emotions at
the table, I offered Kevin more questions instead of answers.

"Even if they won't tell you what's going on, you must have seen
something," I began.  "You must have some ideas. What do you think is going
on with Howie and Nick?"

"For a while I thought they were sleeping together, and that they must have
done it at the resort," Kevin answered. "I figured that was why Howie and
Lance broke up, but it's not quite right. They spend a lot of time
together, and they're doing a lot of drinking and stuff, but their
relationship is hard to describe. They're very angry, I guess, would be the
best word for it. They don't treat each other very well, but they stay
together, and I'm not sure why."

Howie in an angry, unhealthy relationship? Go figure, the bastard. I hoped
him and Nick were beating the shit out of each other on a nightly basis.

"Maybe they're just bound," I said finally, realizing that Kevin was
waiting for me to say something. "Maybe the two of them are just stuck
together because of everything that happened. They're the only ones out of
all of you who know everything, so maybe they just stick together because
of it. I'm not surprised to hear they don't exactly get along."

"Know everything about what, Jack?" Kevin asked. "I'm tired of getting
these weird half answers from you. If I wanted that, I'd go talk to the two
of them."

"I'm sorry," I said, shrugging. "I'm not really sure of what to say, or how
much, because I have to protect my friends, too, Kevin. You're right about
one thing, though. Nick and Howie slept together at the resort, and it's
part of the reason why Howie and Lance broke up. Lance caught them
together, and he ended everything with Howie, thank God."

"Why is that such a good thing?" Kevin asked. "I mean, I don't know Lance
that well, but I know that Howie seems miserable about it. I've never
really seen him like this."

"How have you seen Howie?" I asked. "Has he ever seemed, I don't know,
angry? He told us that you guys voted not to let him come out publicly, and
that you decided it again after Josh and I did it. How did he feel about
that?"

"Pretty pissed," Kevin said. "I mean, he's been bitter about it for a
while, and when you guys came out, he just got worse. He seemed ok for a
while when he started dating Lance, but then he started pushing again, and
our management started pushing back, telling him to tone it down, to not be
seen with Lance or the rest of you so much. I don't know what happened, but
while you were kidnapped he just kept stepping it up, making demands, and
they kept throwing it back, and we kind of did, too. The timing was just
all wrong, and he didn't seem to get it. I'm not sure what that has to do
with Lance, though, or at least, what it has to do with them breaking up."

"Howie took his anger out on Lance," I said bluntly. Kevin looked at me as
if he didn't understand. "Their relationship, it went downhill. Howie was
abusive. He beat him, Kevin. Howie spent months beating the shit out of
Lance, every single day."

Kevin stared at me, his mouth hanging open. I felt bad just blurting it
out, but I wasn't going to pretty it up. I wasn't going to dance around it
to protect Howie, and I was probably the only one who wouldn't. If Kevin
had gone to any of the others, they probably would have tried to be all
friendly and kind, if there was a polite, diplomatic way to describe
domestic violence, but I had no intention of trying to think of one. I knew
that brutal honesty was the only way to get through to Kevin, the only
thing he would end up believing, but I also wanted to hurt him a little. I
wanted this to sting, because these were his friends. I knew it was unfair
to him, but his friends hurt my friends, and I wanted to hurt back.

"Jack, Howie wouldn't," Kevin began, swallowing. "I mean, yeah, sure, he
gets upset sometimes, and I've seen him, I, you know, I've seen him throw
things, or break things, but he loved Lance. He wouldn't, not Howie."

"Yes, Howie," I said. "Howie needed a target, and Lance was there, and
Lance wouldn't hit him back. I saw the bruises, Kevin. I saw the marks, and
I saw what it did to Lance.  Your friend, your brother Howie, he did that
to him."

Kevin shook his head, disbelieving.

"Jack, I just," he began, setting down his fork. "I find that really hard
to believe."

"Ask Howie, then," I said irritably. "If you're going to ask me what
happened, I expect you to at least pretend to have an open mind about what
I might tell you.  You've been friends with Howie for years. You never
thought he could be like that? He never did anything that made you think he
might?"

Kevin swallowed, as if debating what to tell me. When he finally did open
his mouth again, I was so surprised by what he said that I almost choked.

"Howie only had one other boyfriend, at least while I've known him, and
once he, um, he hit him once, too," Kevin said finally. "It was only one
time, and the two of them had bruises. Howie said that they were arguing,
and that it just, you know, got out of hand.  Howie said he was going to go
talk to someone, for some anger management or something. It never happened
again, I guess."

"Or you just never saw it again," I said.

Howie had a past history? I was guessing that he had never told Lance about
it, because Lance never mentioned it, and I wondered how much knowing it
would help Lance. I was guessing quite a lot. If Lance knew that Howie had
done it before, he might stop taking what happened so personally, might
blame himself a little less. He was covering, but I knew he blamed himself,
at least partially, and maybe knowing this would help him let that go, and
let him heal a little. I had wondered how Howie could suddenly just turn
brutal, when he had cared about Lance so much, but this was an answer that
made sense.

"Maybe," Kevin said, swallowing. "I don't understand, though, what this has
to do with Justin. I mean, I saw the other night the way the two of them
stayed with each other the whole time, and I saw them holding hands on the
news when they showed you guys leaving. Jack, are they together?"

"No," I answered honestly. "No, Lance and Justin aren't a couple, but what
happened to Justin is all tied up with what happened between Lance, Howie,
and Nick.  Justin and Nick, while I was kidnapped, had some kind of little
hookup, or something, and they became some kind of friends. After I came
back, Justin started to hang out with Nick some more, and they got to be
some kind of weird fuck buddies."

"They weren't boyfriends," Kevin said, taking another bite of his dinner.

"No, I'm sure they never called each other that," I said, shrugging.

"I wasn't asking a question," Kevin said, staring at me. "I was telling
you, because Nick doesn't have boyfriends. He hooks up, left and right, but
he doesn't have boyfriends, or girlfriends, either. Nick doesn't ever have
anyone but Nick."

"He was always pretty hostile to Howie," I said. "I always thought it was
the gay thing, so I was pretty shocked when he started carrying on with
Justin."

"Well, we always kind of thought Nick might be gay," Kevin said, shrugging.
"You know, when he was younger. Then after we started to get big, he just
turned into this drunken, drugging, party slut. We don't like it, but he
doesn't take well to suggestions that he stop. Nick's big problem with
Howie wasn't ever who Howie slept with. Nick doesn't care who any of us
sleep with, as long as it doesn't affect the band, and doesn't end up in
the papers. Howie kept wanting to go public, and Nick didn't want him
to. The two of them haven't ever gotten along, because of that."

Once again, I couldn't believe that Kevin hadn't asked his alleged friends
about this. If he knew that two of them didn't get along, and argued almost
constantly, why the hell wouldn't he ask any questions when he saw them
apparently now having some kind of a relationship? How he could even still
think of himself as their friend was beyond me.  Maybe I was just too nosy,
but if I saw something like that happen, I'd want to know what was going
on. I realized he was asking me a question, and refocused on him.

"What was going on between Nick and Justin?" Kevin asked. "Were they just
sleeping together, or did they have something else going on?"

"It's hard to explain," I said, trying to find my boundaries again. "Justin
was having a lot of personal problems, and shutting us out of them. It was
a bad time for him, and he turned to Nick because, like you said, Nick
doesn't feel anything, and Justin didn't want to, either. The two of them
were drinking a lot, but Justin wasn't doing any drugs, thank God, and they
were sleeping with a lot of other people, and, I guess, sharing them with
each other."

"Sounds like Nick, but I'm surprised at Justin," Kevin said. "I always
thought he was, I don't know, a little more naive or something."

"He kind of was," I said. It was true. Justin might have been pretty
sexually experienced, but he wasn't hardened and bitter like Nick
was. Justin was still alive, at least before Nick got to him. "That was
part of the problem."

"Were they sleeping with each other?" Kevin asked. I didn't know if he was
just morbidly curious, or if he was still trying to put everything
together.

"Yes, kind of," I answered, and Kevin looked at me in confusion. "They
slept with other people. When there weren't other people, Justin fucked
Nick. Nick never got to fuck Justin, because Justin wouldn't do that."

"And how, exactly, does this relate to Lance and Howie?" Kevin asked. "How
did Nick start sleeping with Howie?"

"Justin found out about Howie and Lance," I answered, knowing there wasn't
really a way I was going to be able to make this sound better, either. "He
tried to talk to Lance about it, and Lance blocked him, because Lance kind
of thought that he deserved to get beaten up all the time. Howie convinced
him that it was all done out of love, and Lance, you know, Howie had just
beaten it into him and Lance couldn't argue it.  Since Justin was kind of
on the outs with all of us, too, he got this idea into his head that he
would fix it himself, by breaking up Lance and Howie, so he asked Nick to
seduce Howie."

"Oh, and you wanted to talk about my friends," Kevin said smugly. "Great
group you have there, Jack."

I wanted to slap him off of his chair.

"Look," I said, gritting my teeth. "We know it was a stupid idea. Even
Justin knows it was a stupid plan, ok? But he was scared, and confused, and
it seemed like the best idea to him at the time."

"And Nick just went along with it?" Kevin asked, letting the point drop
when he saw how pissed I was. "That doesn't sound like him."

"You're shitting me, right?" I asked. Josh hated it when I swore, but the
words just kind of flew out when I was pissed. "Nick probably would have
gone along with it just to fuck with Howie, Kevin. You know how he is. Nick
likes to hurt people."

"If he didn't do it just to hurt Howie," Kevin began, not arguing, "then
why did he? What else was going on, Jack?"

"Justin promised Nick something for helping him," I began, and I saw the
wheels turning in Kevin's mind. He was putting it together. "Justin
promised that if Nick broke up Lance and Howie, that Nick could fuck him."

"No," Kevin said, shaking his head. "Nick wouldn't do that."

"Wouldn't fuck Howie?" I asked. "Because he did, and, according to you,
probably still does."

"No, Jack," Kevin said. He must have been thinking of the bathroom again,
of what he'd seen the other night, and figured out the only thing that
could make Justin act like that, and all of the rest of us, too. "You know
what I mean. Nick wouldn't do that to someone."

"Do what?" I asked, wanting to hurt him, wanting to make him say it.

"You know what!" Kevin said, shaking his head again. "Nick hasn't ever had
to, not with anyone. He's Nick Carter! He doesn't even have to ask for
sex. He doesn't have to do that, you know, what you're thinking. You guys
must have it confused somehow."

"I was there, Kevin," I snapped. "I'm not confused. We had to take Justin
to the hospital.  We had to hold his hand, and listen to him scream. He was
bleeding."

"No," Kevin said again, shaking his head.

"Yes," I snapped. He was the one who wanted answers, and here they
were. Let him live with what all the rest of us did. Let him know his
friends for who and what they were.  "Justin didn't want to go through with
it, and he said no, and Nick raped him. Did you get that, Kevin? Is that
what you came here for? That's why Justin was hysterical when he saw Nick
in the bathroom the other night. That's why I tried to choke Nick, and
that's why Nick just left when he did. We all know what he did, and now, so
do you.  Nick held Justin down, and ripped off his clothes, and raped him."

"Stop it!" Kevin barked.

"Why?" I snapped back. "Nick didn't."

The two of us glared at each other, dinner sitting forgotten between us. I
couldn't eat the rest of mine even if I wanted to. My stomach was a knot,
and the thought of food made me want to vomit. Kevin looked angry and sad
at the same time, and I realized that what I had thought before was correct
after all. I didn't care, and I didn't still want to be his friend. What
was wrong with Nick and Howie was partially his fault, and could partly be
laid at his feet. Maybe nothing could have stopped it, but maybe he could
have been a better friend. Maybe he could have done more than go through
the motions, and just talk about loving his friends. Maybe if he really had
been a friend to them, they wouldn't be the people they were. I crumpled my
napkin and stood, Andrew jumping up from his seat as well.

"Dinner's on me," I said, turning away as I reached for my wallet. I'd pay
at the front.

"Jack, I'll get them help," Kevin said. "I'm not going to just let this go.
I'll get them help, and make sure this never happens again."

I turned back, and I could tell that Kevin knew we were all done having
couples barbecues and double dates, too.

"I don't care what you do," I said bitterly. "Just keep your friends away
from my family.  Good bye, Kevin."

I walked away, followed by Andrew, and Kevin didn't say anything as I left.

***

To be continued.