Date: Tue, 25 Dec 2001 18:51:16 -0500 From: Writer Boy Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 36 Obligatory warnings and disclaimers: 1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here. 2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction. In addition to not knowing any celebrities, I feel the need to point out for the purposes of this chapter that I don't know any of their families, either. Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I've enjoyed hearing from all of you. OK, back to the sideshow in progress. *** "Josh? Josh?" I yelled, standing on the end of the dock, peering into the murky water. They had only been in the water for a second or two, and they were obviously still alive, since it was churning and bubbles kept coming up, but my heart was racing as my head spun. Why was Justin here? The dog stood next to me, barking hysterically at the water, and I prayed that neither of them were hurt. They broke the surface, Justin struggling to get Josh's hands off of his neck. "Josh!" I yelled. "Josh, stop! Please stop!" Josh glanced at me, and the fight abruptly left him. He pulled Justin over to the ladder as Justin sputtered and coughed, and they climbed out. Josh unceremoniously dropped Justin on the dock, where he coughed and spat water. His face was red, and I could see Josh's handprints standing out in livid red relief on his neck. I went to help him, and Josh grabbed my shoulder. "Leave him alone, Jack," Josh said, breathing hard. His fingers dug into my shoulder. "Josh, you're hurting me," I said, pulling away from him. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling me into a hug, drenching me in lake water. "I'm sorry." Josh began to walk back down the dock, ignoring Justin's hacking, water filled coughing as Justin knelt on his hands and knees, staring at Josh's back. I didn't know which of them to go to. "Leave him," Josh said coldly. "He isn't worth it." "Josh, please," Justin began behind us. Josh spun, advancing on him. I was terrified for a second that he was going to start kicking Justin as he loomed over him. "Please what?" Josh barked. "Please what? Please listen to me? Please be my friend? Please let me lie to you? How could you do that to Lance, Justin? How could you? What the fuck is wrong with you?" "I didn't mean to really hurt him," Justin said, staring up at Josh, eyes wide, face innocent. "I just, I was really mad, and I wanted to get back at him, and it just got completely out of hand." "Bullshit!" Josh spat. "Don't look at me like that. You knew what you were doing, you knew! Do you know what it's like to feel that way, Justin? Do you know what it's like to have those feelings, and to realize that, and to have to decide what it all means? Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how bad that hurts inside? How bad you feel, and how imperfect, like there's something wrong with you, and you can't help it because it's just the way you are? Do you know what that feels like, Justin?" Justin stood, arms out apologetically. "I didn't," he began, and Josh pulled his arm back to hit him. I grabbed Josh's arm, and held it, hard. "No, Josh," I said, shaking my head. "Please, no hitting." "He's lying, Jack," Josh said, dropping his arm. He turned back to Justin. "You know what it feels like, because I told you. Because we had all those long talks after I told you about Jack, and we had all those discussions. You know what it feels like, and what I went through, and you knew Lance was going through the same thing. You knew how he felt, but it didn't matter to you, because you don't feel anything. Why are you here?" "I came because you're my friend," Justin began, and Josh cut him off again. "No, I thought I was your friend," Josh said. "You don't know what a friend is, Justin. A friend wouldn't do that to Lance, and he wouldn't use me like you did." "What?" I asked, feeling dizzy. I thought I was going to fall off of the dock. "He made you, what he did to Lance, with you?" "No, Jack, no, not that way," Josh said, grabbing me. We were clinging to each other, staring at Justin. "You knew all along, didn't you Justin? You knew I was in love with you, and you used it to keep me around. I worshipped you, and you ate it up and didn't say a word. Every time you wanted to go somewhere, or do something, there I was, because I was always at your beck and call. I was so happy to spend time with you, and you knew why, and you just ate it up, so that you wouldn't be alone." "Yes," Justin said weakly. "But it wasn't all like that." "Don't tell me what it was like!" Josh said angrily. "You knew! All those nights I laid in bed, thinking about you, hoping that tomorrow would be the day. Every time you called, I ran to you, I did whatever you wanted, because I hoped that today would be the day that you decided to love me back. Every day I agonized, I hurt inside, trying to decide if I should tell you, so scared to death that you'd reject me, and I'd never be around you again, and you knew! You used me! You turned me into your lapdog, kept me around, dangled yourself like a string in front of me. All those times you got hot and had to take your shirt off, or suddenly wanted to change, or wanted to wrestle! You knew, and you kept me around until you found something better so that you wouldn't be alone." "Yes," Justin agreed again, looking away. "But it wasn't just that." "I don't believe you," Josh said simply. Josh had a firm grip on my hand, and I realized that the only way he could stand up to Justin was by drawing support from me. I had realized the other day in the back of my mind that Justin must have known Josh was in love with him, but I had thought that their friendship would have prevented him from playing games with Josh. I don't know why I thought that, since it didn't prevent him from playing games with me. For Josh, though, I couldn't imagine what he must have been feeling. He thought Justin was his best friend, as close as his brother, and now he was realizing that it had never been that way. It had just been part of the game Justin played with everyone, the way that he kept people around him, the way he made sure that he wasn't just liked, but adored. "Why do you do this to people?" I asked. I had to know, and Justin seemed beaten down enough to be truthful. I know it sounded cold, but it was the way he would have treated us. "Why are you like this?" "Because he's a spoiled child," Josh said, glaring at him. "I know him, Jack. He's like this because he can be." Justin glared at him, his lip quivering. "You don't know shit about me," Justin said, stepping toward us. "You don't know anything! Look at you! You always had everything. Look around, Jack! He's never had to go without anything. He's never had to want anything, ever, or listen to the other kids at school make fun of his clothes, or where he lived. He has his family, and they're together, with their house, and their dogs, and everything else. You don't know anything about what I feel!" Justin had begun to cry, as Josh stared at him, open mouthed. I'd never seen Justin cry, ever. His voice rose, louder, cracking painfully. "You never needed anything!" Justin cried, turning away from us. "When we were on Mickey Mouse Club, you always treated it like a big game, because you didn't need it like I did. I needed to get out! I needed to buy things, and be somebody, and I thought that would be the way. I thought that I'd make it. I thought I'd show everybody, and then it all stopped. We got cancelled, and I had to go home, I had to go back to everybody. You didn't have to do that! You got to go off to Nashville, and LA, and just wait for your next big handout. I had to go back home, where I didn't have shit! Where I was nobody. And I don't want to be nobody anymore." He barely squeaked this last part out as he dropped to his knees on the dock, tears streaming down his face. "I never had anything," Justin said. "I never had anything anybody wanted but the way I look. Nobody ever wanted me for who I am, only for what I could give them, and I thought that if that's what people wanted, and that's the only thing people liked about me then it was ok to use that to get what I wanted, too." Josh and I stared down at him. I wanted to reach out to Justin, but I also wondered how much of this was real. It looked real, it sounded real, he seemed to be breaking down right in front of us, but was it what it looked like? Or was this just another stage show? Even if Justin was reaching out to us, I couldn't bring myself to meet him halfway. I just didn't trust him. "Why did you come here?" Josh asked again. His voice was razor sharp, his face completely without warmth as he stared down at Justin. "I came here because I didn't know where else to go," Justin said. "I didn't have anyone else to go to. What I did, to Lance, and to everyone, what I did was wrong. I just, everything got completely out of hand, and I didn't know where to go. You're my friend, you're the only one who looks at me like you believe in me, like you think I'm somebody. You're the only one who's ever looked at me like that." "I only looked at you like that because I didn't know what I was seeing," Josh said sadly. "I only looked at you like that because I believed. I don't believe you anymore, Justin." I squeezed Josh's hand. "I want you to leave now, Justin," Josh said. "Josh?" I asked. "I don't want you here, Justin," Josh said. His voice was cold. "I don't want to think about what you've done, or what you're going to do. Whatever you came here for, I'm not going to give it to you. I want you to go back to the airport, and go back to Los Angeles. When we come back, maybe then I'll know how I feel about you. Maybe then I'll be able to say what you want to hear. Right now I just want you to go." Justin stared up at Josh from his knees, both of them still soaked with lake water, and then he got to his feet. I watched him walk down the dock, and then up the backyard toward the house. Josh watched him go, and once Justin was out of sight, he turned to me, and threw his arms around me. I thought he'd cry, but he didn't. He just held on tight, his head on my shoulder, pressing against me as a breeze began to rise from the lake. Neither of us spoke. We didn't need to. We just held on to each other. Eventually we went inside to find Josh some dry clothes. Karen was still sitting in the kitchen, idly petting the dog's head. "Is everything ok?" she asked. "Justin left in kind of a hurry." I thought it rather diplomatic of her to avoid mentioning that he had also left soaking wet, much like Josh was. "Things aren't really ok, no," Josh answered. He held up our joined hands, and smiled. "But I'm ok, and right now, that's all that matters. Mom, can Jack sleep in my room?" "Wha?" I blurted, surprised. "We won't do anything, I promise," Josh continued. "I just want him close to me, where he belongs, and I know he won't ask, or even sneak across the hall, because he doesn't want to be disrespectful, but I'd like to have him with me." "That's fine, Joshua," Karen said, sipping her coffee. "Why don't you go up and get changed, and then maybe we'll go into town and get some lunch." Josh smiled, and I wondered again if I would ever understand this family openness that they all seemed to have here. Surprisingly, the rest of our visit with the Chasez family was rather uneventful. We went into the city a few times, to see the sights, and Josh made much light of the fact that I considered places I'd seen in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" to be legitimate sightseeing locations. We enjoyed more evenings of board games and cards, and ate in more than we ate out. A lot of the time, though, we just walked around the property, or sat on the swing and held hands, watching the boats go by on the lake. We also spent a good deal of time in the boathouse, making love every chance we got, and the rest of the family was nice enough to pretend they had no idea what was going on. Well, except for the time Tyler pointed out that there were leaves stuck all over the back of my sweater. By unspoken agreement, we didn't talk about Justin, or about the Basil Morgan situation. We talked to Joey and Chris, and I called Lance a few times to check on him. He seemed to be doing well. He told me that he was talking a lot, and letting a lot out that he'd held in for a long time. One afternoon I was sitting out on the swing talking to him when Josh asked if he could have the phone. "Lance, I wanted to say that I'm sorry for what I said the day you came to apologize," Josh said. "I was hurt, and that's all I was thinking about. I'm sorry for not stopping to notice that you were hurt, too, even after Jack told me to." The two of them talked for about five minutes after that. It wasn't a lot, but it was a start. We decided to fly back two days before the awards show. Josh called the guys, even Justin, and let them know that they were going to be meeting at the studio the day before, and that it would be a closed meeting. The timing was good, as Lance was going to return to his apartment the same day we landed, and Britney was going to be flying in as well, since she was supposed to be performing. We weren't going to see a lot of her, since she'd be in rehearsals, but maybe her presence would stabilize Justin a little. Josh's family saw us off at the airport, with much hugging, and encouragement for us to come home again soon. When we flew back, Joey and Chris picked us up, again with much hugging and back slapping. I think they could tell by looking that everything was ok with us, but when Chris asked about the other stuff, Josh cut him off, saying that it would be dealt with at the meeting. After we stopped for a quick dinner, we went back to our apartments. Josh was on the phone, trying to set up some fittings for clothes for the awards show, and I was unpacking when we heard knocking at the door. Neither of us was expecting anyone, so I shrugged and answered it. "Lance!" I yelped, grabbing him. I pulled him into a quick hug, unsure of why I was so happy to see him. Maybe I was just happy to see him alive. "Get in here." "Welcome back," he said, walking in as I shut the door. "You look good, Lance," I said, and he did. The circles under his eyes were gone, and he didn't look so pale and shaky. "Are you ok?" "Yeah, I think so," he said, shrugging. "I'm still going to see Dr. Centano, and I think I will be for a while, but I'm getting a lot of stuff worked out, you know?" "I'm glad, Lance," I said, smiling. "I just wanted to come and, um, you know, welcome you back," he began, looking at the floor, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. "And I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for saving me." "Lance, I didn't save you," I said. "You saved yourself. I just helped." Josh stepped quietly out of the bedroom, stopping to lean on the doorway. "Hi," he said, almost shyly. "Hi, JC," Lance said. They stared awkwardly at each other. "Welcome back." "You, too," Josh said. "I know I already apologized, but I want to say it again. I'm sorry, Lance." "It's ok," Lance said. "I wanted to know if I could ask you guys a favor." "Sure," Josh said, glancing at me. I shrugged, having no idea what he needed, either. "Can I, um, can I stay in your spare bedroom tonight?" he asked. "I thought I'd be ok, but I just, I don't know, I don't feel right. I came in, and I saw Justin, and I was really scared, and I still am." A sense of history repeating itself washed over me, and maybe over Josh, too, based on the look he gave me. Last time we had let a sexually ambiguous friend sleep over we'd all ended up in bed together, and it had created a hell of a lot of problems. I needed to nip this one in the bud right now, regardless of the fact that I wasn't attracted to Lance in the least. "Lance, Josh and I are kind of tired, but we're probably going to have sex of some sort tonight, and you might be able to hear it through the wall," I said, holding up my hands. "We'll lock the door, and try to keep it quiet, but if that's going to bother you, you need to say so now." "I could bring my earplugs," Lance said, swallowing uncomfortably. "If you don't want me here." "Of course we want you here," Josh said, hugging him. "Let's go back to your apartment and get your stuff. I don't want you downstairs alone if you're not comfortable with it." In the morning the three of us had a quiet breakfast together, and then Lance went back to his apartment to get ready for the meeting. Josh and I took a quick shower together, and I watched him get dressed. "Josh, what are you going to do at this meeting?" I asked. "Decide what happens to the band," he answered simply. This must have been what he was brooding over during our visit. "I'm putting everything out on the table, all of this, and we're going to talk about it. We're going to talk about who we are, and how we treat each other, and where we go from here." "You're going to talk about everything?" I asked, thinking of the Justin and Lance situation. "Yes," Josh answered. "We're not leaving that room until we settle everything." "What if they don't want to settle everything?" I asked. "What if they don't want to discuss some of this?" "I already thought of that," Josh answered. "And I told them all that if we don't work this out, I'm done. We talk, or I walk away. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with guys who aren't watching my back. It's not going to be easy to talk about some of this, but we have to, or it's going to destroy us. If that's going to happen, I'd rather it end now on my terms than later on, when we could all get hurt even worse." "I'm scared for you, Josh," I admitted. "Don't be," he said, kissing me. "As long as you're still here, none of this matters to me. I know what's important, Jack, and it's that I love you." "I love you, too," I said. Josh left, meeting the other guys in the parking area. I watched from the balcony, waving goodbye, and began waiting. I couldn't find enough things to fill my time. I did the breakfast dishes, wondering why we even had a dishwasher when we never used it. I went for my morning jog, although it was a little later than usual, and took another shower. I went out to the pool to read, and then to swim. I went back upstairs to clean, but realized the apartment was already spotless. The only thing I could find to tidy up was the cards and clippings, still in the side pocket of my suitcase. I burned them in the sink, lighting them with the stove burners, and then washed the ashes down the drain. And then, just like that, the waiting was over. I turned around, and Josh was already inside the apartment, crossing the room, spinning me into his arms. He shut off the television and began to pull me toward the door. "Come on," he said, leading me down to the parking lot. I clapped my hands excitedly when I saw that the Jag was back from the body shop. "Where are we going?" I asked, walking all around the front of the car. "You can't see a single mark. They did a really good job." "I need an outfit for tomorrow night," Josh answered as we climbed into the car. When the guys were performing they usually went for a theme, like all denim or something, but when they were just presenting, like they would be tomorrow, they went for more individual looks. "So do you." "What?" I asked, surprised. "You need an outfit for tomorrow night," he said. "You don't have to, but I'd like it if you came to the awards with me." "Josh, are you sure? What did the guys say?" I asked. "I'm sure, and they're sure, too," Josh said, heading toward Rodeo Drive. I was really learning my streets. "This is who I am, and I'm not going to hide it." "What about Basil Morgan?" I asked. "Aren't we playing into his hands?" "Nope," Josh said. "He doesn't get the story. We get out of the limo, and the story's out there for everyone. Maybe later, if you want to give out some more of it, we can find someone." Visions of being on "20/20" with Barbara Walters danced through my head, but I realized there were pieces missing. "Josh, what happened today?" I asked. "Is everyone all right?" He sighed. "More or less," he said. "We still have a group, and everyone knows everything. Everything, Jack. They know about Justin and Lance, and Justin and me and you, and the whole thing with you and Peyton and the notes." "Wow," I said. No wonder they had been gone so long. "Everyone's ok with that?" "They are now," he said. "I thought Joey was going to kill Justin. Chris and I had to hold him in his chair until we could calm him down. And Lance is the one who told us all about him and Justin. You would have been really proud of him, Jack. You could see that he was scared, and that he's still ashamed, kind of, but he made Justin admit it all. And then I did, too. I made Justin admit what he did to me, and then what he did to us. I think he might actually be sorry, Jack." "If you believe it," I said carefully. "How did you make him do it?" "Just laid it out plain and simple," Josh answered. "Justin isn't allowed to be alone with Lance, period, until Lance is comfortable with it. He also has to go to therapy, for an indeterminate time. We'll decide as a group, as he goes along." "You can't force someone to go to therapy," I pointed out. "It won't help him if he doesn't want it." "He suggested it," Josh said. "When we decided to kick him out of Nsync. He might be able to make it on his own, maybe, but we're all he has. He wasn't ready to leave that. He begged us to let him stay, and when he suggested that, we agreed to it." Wow. We ended up at the stores Josh had called, and it was every bit the shopping experience I had seen on television. People brought us drinks, and fawned over us, and showed us practically everything in every store. I wanted something subdued, and Josh wanted something that matched whatever I picked out. My only stipulations were that it not be leather, plastic, or denim, because I was thinking of the number of times Carla and I had watched award shows on television and mocked everyone's outfits. This was my first awards show, even if I couldn't remember what it was (Daytime Emmys? Tony awards? Blockbuster? Billboard?), and I wasn't going to be on national television looking like crap. The outfits we picked out, finally, looked very good in the store, almost identical suits. Mine was in black, and Josh's in blue, with matching cuts and accessories. When we got dressed the next afternoon, I thought again of how nice we looked. I kept thinking about little things like that because it kept me from thinking about what we were about to do. I was even more nervous when we got to the courtyard. Justin and Britney were there, Britney heavily made up for her performance and Justin looking nice, if a little subdued. She and I hadn't seen each other yet, so we quickly hugged and kissed our hellos, and I kept my distance from Justin, even thought he did look at me with big, sad eyes. I wasn't ready to let him back in yet. Lance and Chris joined us as we walked to the limousines, where Joey as waiting with three large bodyguards. "What are they for?" I asked. Surely this place would have security. "You'll see," Joey said. "I think you'll like it." I suddenly realized that no one else had dates, just Justin and Josh. We were going to be glaringly obvious, and there probably wouldn't be any question as to what was going on. I was on pins and needles all the way there, and a glass of champagne from the bar in the back did nothing to settle me. What if this went horribly awry? What if the fan reaction was terrible? What if this ruined Josh's career? Every time I had one of these thoughts Josh, as if reading my mind, would smile, squeeze my hand, and then kiss me. We sat in traffic for a while, in a long line of cars outside the arena, and then it was time. We had planned this before leaving. Justin and Britney got out of the first limo, followed by Joey, and then the three bodyguards, who faded into the background. After that limo pulled away, Chris, and then Lance, stepped out of ours, smiling, waving and joining the others waiting on the red carpet. Josh climbed out of the car next, and then I was supposed to get out, and that was the end of our plan. Once we were on the carpet, we were going to wing it. Josh turned around and held out his hand, and I grabbed it, already blinded by the flashes, listening to girls screaming as they realized who was here. Josh pulled me from the car, and laced his fingers through mine, not letting go of my hand. Like the others, he waved to the crowd with his free hand as I stood soaking it all in and trying not to pass out. We began to walk as a group down the carpet, a little spread out, so that commentators could talk to Justin and Brit, and then each of the guys. As soon as we were all in view you could sense the shift in attention, and I heard people outside the ropes asking who I was, and why Josh was holding my hand. The television commentators, picking up on it, realized something was going on. "You ok?" Josh whispered through his smile. "Great," I lied, wanting to bolt back to the car. "Is it always like this?" "You're doing fine!" Josh smiled, squeezing my hand. Off to our left, I suddenly saw Basil Morgan's head pop out of the crowd. "JC! Jack!" he yelled, waving a tape recorder. Before he got another word out Joey's trio of bodyguards grabbed him and vanished into the crowd with him. I thought I heard him screaming that he'd sue, but I wasn't sure. We continued our slow walk down the carpet, and I kept myself focused on Chris's back and Josh's hand in mine, using them both to block out everything else. So many flashbulbs were going off that I wondered about retinal burns, and I kept smiling dreamily at the cameras, praying that Carla was taping this like she said she would. We would find out later that as we walked down the carpet, on live television, that the internet exploded with people messaging each other, and phone lines across the country lit up as people called their friends, and told them to hurry up and put it on. At the time, though, all I could do was wonder how a carpet that looked so short from the car could look so long once you were on it. Another series of flashbulbs went off right in my eyes, and then Josh was pulling me toward a television camera. "Brian McFayden, MTV News, here with JC from Nsync!" I heard. Oh my God, it really was Brian McFayden. We were on MTV! "JC, how are you guys feeling tonight? Happy to be here?" "Couldn't be happier," Josh answered, grinning. "Who's this with you?" Brian asked, grinning and pushing the microphone toward me. "This is my date, Jack Springer, the man I love," Josh said, beaming. Before I could say anything, Josh pulled me against him, tilting my head back, and kissed me. His tongue slid into my mouth, and so many people inhaled at once that there was probably a vacuum around the arena for a second. Josh held the kiss, and held it, and held it. It was completely unrehearsed, but I melted into it like an extra in a Big Red commercial, eyes closed, head back, entire world around us blotted out. My eyes popped open when I heard the clapping begin, right next to us. Opening them, I saw Joey, Chris, Lance, Justin, and Britney, grinning and applauding. The crowd picked up on it, and suddenly broke into spontaneous applause as well, hundreds of people clapping and cheering at once as Josh kissed me in front of a live television audience that grew by the second. And it wasn't just the crowd, either. The other celebrities on the carpet were watching and clapping, too. Everyone was caught up in the moment, and it seemed like a thousand flashbulbs went off at once. Josh pulled off of me, staring down, his blue eyes locked on my green ones. "I love you," he said. "I love you, too," I answered. He leaned in for another kiss, and we heard the cheering redouble itself, the applause even louder. In the morning, no one would remember who won what. We would see ourselves on the news for days, and the band's publicity machine went wild trying to cope with the calls from reporters. The official web site got so many hits it crashed, and was frozen for days, and the price of anything Nsync, especially anything with Josh on it, on the internet spiked through the roof. Right then, though, none of that mattered. All that mattered to me was that I was holding Josh, and he was holding me, and everything was ok. This was the night. This was the moment. And it was ours. *** End Season Two Thanks everybody who wrote, and special thanks to the two of you who sent the online Christmas cards! There will be a break before I continue with Season Three, as I have a couple other things to focus on right now, but it probably won't be long.