Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2002 17:16:57 -0500
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 66

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I've
enjoyed hearing from all of you.

This season would not have happened if not for a discussion I had with
Clive, who is generous enough to cohost this story on his site. Stop and
tell him hello at www.authorclive.co.uk.

That said, back to the show.

***Justin***

"So, do you want to talk about it?" Nick asked, looking up at me, lying on
his stomach with his head resting on his folded arms.

Sunlight filtered in through the blinds in Nick's all white bedroom,
seeming to bounce and reflect off of the walls. He and I lay in the bed,
the only colors in the room our two tanned bodies. I had the sheet pulled
up to my waist, my knees pulled to my chest as I rested my arms and head on
them, and he lay on top of the sheets, staring up at me, completely naked
with his ass sticking up and no shame at all. He'd just finished treating
me to a morning wake up blowjob, which had of course been good, but now we
were just kind of sitting there, me lost in thought and him lost in
afterglow, or so I thought. I was trying to decide if I should just get up
and go, or if maybe I should offer to take him to breakfast. After all,
he'd done most of the servicing, so I probably owed him a meal.

"Talk about what?" I asked. "Last night?"

"Let's not play games on that one, Justin," Nick said, smiling. He really
was a cute guy, but we were way too much alike, and besides, he wasn't
Josh. "You and I know that we had some fun, actually, some pretty hot fun,
but I don't think either one of us is planning on this going anywhere, are
we?"

"No," I answered, smiling at him. We were both grinning, two sluts in the
same bed. "But it was a lot of fun."

"So what's eating you, Justin?" Nick asked. "I mean, you look pretty
distracted, staring off into space, and you didn't even really order me
around during that hummer just now.  So, if your brain isn't on me, and it
isn't on your dick, where the hell is it? You must be pissed about
something, 'cause you seemed kind of pissed last night, unless, you know,
that was just part of you being you. Not that it wasn't fun, 'cause
sometimes I like being on the bottom, and the fucking was pretty hot, but
you just seemed kind of angry."

I glanced over at him, trying to read him, listening to him and remembering
from last night that Nick was a babbler. There didn't seem to be anything
behind the question, any ill will in his face, as his blue eyes twinkled
innocently up at me from under his parted bangs. I almost giggled when I
saw the hickey I'd left on his neck.

"I don't know," I said, shifting a little. "I kind of, you know, had a
little fight with a friend last night."

"A 'friend', or just a friend?" Nick asked. The sunlight gleamed on his
shoulders, and I wondered if he waxed his back. I wouldn't be
surprised. Josh had his chest waxed, and I'd had mine done before, too,
although I really just wasn't very hairy.

"See, that's the problem," I said, shrugging. "I want him to be more than a
friend, but he's kind of hung up on someone else."

"So you're trying to break them up?" Nick asked, smirking.

"No, they broke up already," I answered, realizing that he probably knew
exactly who I was talking about. If he didn't, he'd put it together soon. I
knew he was a natural blond, but even he'd get this one.

"So you want to be the rebound?" Nick asked. "That can be fun and all, or
did you want something kind of permanent? I'm guessing you wanted something
serious, so how do you know he doesn't?"

"See, that's just it," I said, throwing up my hands in frustration. "He
acts like he does, sometimes. He throws off these really mixed signals, but
every time I go for it, he backs down."

"Maybe he's just not sure," Nick said, rolling onto his side, presenting
himself for full view as he propped up his head with one arm. He had no
modesty at all, but he was cute enough not to need it. Why pretend? "Maybe
he's still hung up on the other guy, and every time you go for it, he gets
panicked, and backs off. Or maybe he's really not interested, Justin."

I must have looked oddly at him, because he giggled.

"Yes, Justin, I'm sure there are people somewhere who actually don't want
to sleep with you," he said, laughing. "Stupid people, mind you, but they
probably do exist. Are you sure he wants you? Maybe you should sit and talk
to him about it. Maybe instead of trying to read whatever these signals are
he's throwing, you should actually talk them out."

"That's a good idea, I guess," I answered. Josh had confessed to pretending
I was Jack, but we hadn't talked about anything else, or even about why
that had bothered me so much. We hadn't talked about anything, actually,
because I'd just walked out the door.

"You know what else is a good idea?" Nick asked, smiling widely and licking
his lips.

"Nicky, even I have limits," I said, and we both laughed.

"Actually, I was talking about breakfast," Nick said, sitting up. "We could
go get some donuts, and then I could drop you off home. Unless, you know,
you want to fuck again?"

"I think breakfast is a great idea," I said, punching him lightly on the
arm in answer to the other suggestion.

We got up and got dressed, and then stopped at the local donut shop for
coffee and donuts. Afterward, Nick drove me home, stopping at the end of my
driveway.  He put a hand on my door as I went to get out.

"Justin, last night was fun," he said, smiling again. "Good luck with your
friend and all.  While you were sleeping this morning I put my number in
your phone, so if you ever want to hang out, tag team some girls, go
shopping, have another go at each other, or whatever, just give me a call,
ok?"

"Sure, Nicky," I answered, smiling back. "You're all right."

"No, actually, I'm a little sore," he answered, giggling. "Bye, Justin."

"Bye, Nicky, and thanks," I said, waving as he drove away. Funny, Howie had
always said Nick was a major asshole. Then again, Howie beat the hell out
of me in Lance's kitchen. What kind of judge of character was he?

The house was quiet when I walked in, no music, no television, nothing.

"Josh?" I called loudly. No answer.

I walked through the rooms, noticing how neat and tidy everything was. Josh
always put everything in its place, but it looked like he had gone on a
house wide cleaning binge, a habit I couldn't help but figure he'd picked
up from Jack. Everything gleamed, and it had to have been Josh, because it
was the wrong day for my housekeeper to be in.  Still, I didn't turn Josh
up anywhere, not in the music room, or the living room, or out in the yard
or the pool. Finally, I climbed the stairs to his room, but didn't find him
there, either.  His bedroom was empty, the bed neatly made, and a note lay
on one of the pillows.

"Dear Justin,

I don't know if I really have the words to say how sorry I am for how badly
I've hurt you.  You haven't come home tonight, and I guess that's my fault,
too. I guess maybe the only thing I'm really good at is driving people I
care about away. Justin, you've been nothing but a friend to me. Every time
I've turned around, you've been there, holding me, helping me, offering
whatever you thought I needed, and I've abused that. Words can't take back
what I've done, and I don't think these words will be able to fix it,
either. I've decided to go home, where I won't hurt you anymore. I hope
we're still friends, Justin, hope we're still best friends. If you need
time, take it. If you can forgive me for using you, I'll be here.

Your friend,

Joshua"

I sighed, holding the note, thinking that there were far too many notes
flying around among us all the time. Notes from Jack, notes from Josh,
notes from Britney.  It seemed like I was the only one who didn't leave
notes behind me, didn't drop off little scraps of my thoughts for others to
pick up and read, but maybe I needed to start.  Otherwise, how was anyone
going to know what was going on inside my head? Here was Josh, beating
himself up over taking advantage of me, not realizing that I'd been wanting
him to the entire time he was here. What Nick and I had talked about was
right. I needed to sit down with Josh, and just put everything on the
table, and the two of us would work from there.  I needed to be up front,
and just stop playing so many fucking games.

I showered quickly, getting dressed, and then drove over to Josh's house.
His Jag was out of the garage, parked in the driveway, which was unusual
for him, but I realized that he must have moved it so that he could put all
of Jack's boxes in the garage.  He must have carried them all, shoving them
along by himself, and I could only imagine what that would have done to
him. He was probably upstairs huddled in a little ball crying
somewhere. Or, judging by the note on the door, maybe not.

"I'm in the hot tub. Come on back."

I wondered why he was expecting me, since I hadn't called, but maybe he
really did know me that well. I unlocked the front door (we all had keys to
each other's houses) and walked upstairs first, figuring that I needed a
suit for the tub, and Josh wouldn't mind if I borrow a pair of trunks. He
must have a pair, somewhere, even though all he tended to wear was that
little tiny black speedo that he looked so hot in. He claimed he wore it
for comfort, but he knew what it did for him. It's the reason why I usually
wore one, too.  Going quickly through his dresser, since I knew where
everything was, I changed into a pair of trunks, but paused when I looked
at the dresser top. Josh's ring and Jack's ring sat side by side. I felt an
urge to push them to the floor, to hide them in my pocket, but remembered
that this was Josh's house, not mine.

I walked downstairs, stepping out onto the back patio. Josh's back was to
me, or rather the back of his head, since that's all that was sticking out
of the water. I walked slowly around and stood opposite him, watching him
lay there with his eyes closed.

"Hey," I said, squatting down by the water. Josh's eyes popped open,
surprised.

"Justin!" he blurted, staring at me. "What are you doing here?"

"I was kind of hoping we could talk," I said. "I borrowed a suit from you.
Mind if I get in?"

"Go ahead," Josh said, swallowing nervously.

I slid into the hot tub on the opposite side from him, not wanting to be
too close, watching him watch me. Josh looked nervous, and a little
confused, and something else, too, maybe a little scared. I smiled, to show
him I wasn't mad, and waited to see which of us would speak first. He
didn't say anything, just swallowed, and kept staring at me, so I decided I
should start, staring across the tub at his wide blue eyes, everything but
our heads below the water.

"I was surprised when I got home today, and you weren't there," I began. "I
guess I should have called last night to tell you I was coming back."

"Justin, I'm sorry," Josh began, looking pained. "I'm so sorry for all of
this, sorry for dumping on you, sorry for taking advantage of you, sorry
for everything. I just figured it was best if I left, so that I wouldn't
hurt you anymore."

"I wish you hadn't left," I said, and his eyebrows went up, surprised.
"Josh, I need to tell you some stuff, need to be honest with you, and then,
when I'm done, we can decide what else we're going to do, ok?"

"OK," he answered, steeling himself. "It's ok if you want to yell."

I realized he thought I was still mad at him, and that he was expecting for
whatever I had to say to be something bad, something angry.

"Josh, I love you," I said, pausing to let it sink in. "You're my best
friend, and you have been since the day we met. The day I started on the
Club, when no one else would talk to me 'cause I was the new kid, you're
the one who came and sat with me. All those crushes I had on all those
girls, and all those other stupid kid things, you're always the one I
turned to, and you always turned to me. We were always there for each
other, even after, when the show was over and I went home and you went to
Nashville, we still talked to each other all the time, and we were still
always best friends."

Josh waited, but looked thoughtful. Good. Maybe something I was saying
would reach him. Maybe he'd see how much I really did care about him.

"Like I said, we were always there for each other, but then something
happened," I said, my hands clenched together out of sight under the water,
so he wouldn't be able to see how nervous I was. Being honest was good, and
all of this needed to be let out, but it was hard, and I was afraid, more
than anything, of what he would say when I was done. "I know now that what
happened is that you met Jack, and started questioning yourself, and that's
when you started to have feelings for me beyond just friendship.  That's
when the first wall went up between us, Josh, when you started feeling
something and didn't share it with me. And you were right, too. I could
tell all along that you liked me that way, could tell that you felt
something for me, but there's some stuff I never told you, either. I wanted
to tell you that day at your parents' house, that day at the lake, but you
were already so angry, so upset, that I didn't want to make it worse."

I swallowed, feeling my heart racing. This was the bad part, the part I had
admitted to myself, the part that might hurt him. Hurting Josh was the last
thing I ever wanted to do, but I didn't know if I could ever make him
believe that.

"What I never told you is that I started to feel that way toward you, too,"
I said, hearing him inhale sharply. He was watching me with rapt
attention. "We started spending all that time together, and sometimes, when
I looked at you, when I saw the way you looked at me when you thought I
didn't notice, I felt something. At the same time, though, I was getting a
lot closer to Brit, too, and I felt the same things for her. I started to
feel torn, started to feel a little scared, and I didn't want to think too
much about what I felt toward you. I thought maybe it was something all guy
friends had, and that I was just making it dirty somehow, and then there
was Brit, too, and I never wanted to hurt her or you, and finally I
realized that I had to face my feelings, had to make a choice, and I chose
Brit. I was afraid that if I told you I thought I loved you that it would
ruin our friendship, and I decided that I'd rather have you as a friend
than not at all."

"Justin, why didn't you ever say anything?" Josh asked quietly. He didn't
seem upset, just surprised. "All that time, and you never said anything."

"Neither did you," I pointed out, but not in a nasty, accusatory tone. "You
never said anything to me, so I never knew you felt that way, too, because
we were both afraid. And because I was afraid, I turned to Britney, because
she was there, and she was ok, and safe, and I loved her, too. And since I
turned to Brit, you went to Jack, and that's how we ended up where we are
now. You and Jack fell in love, but you know what it was like with Brit and
I. We love each other as friends, but that thing you guys had, that ying
yang you complete the other half of me love, we never had that. Everything
else I told you is true, though, everything I told you and Jack. I never
thought about sex with another guy until I saw you two, and even then I
probably wouldn't have thought about it if it was anyone else. But it
wasn't anyone else, Josh. It was you, and I love you as my friend, as my
brother, but there's always been that other feeling underneath, that other
kind of love that I never acted on. After that night when we slept
together, I realized that I was coming in between you two, and you seemed
so happy with him that I didn't want to do that, didn't want to be the one
who hurt you, so I backed off."

Josh waited for me to continue, and I realized that he was as caught up in
hearing the story as I was in telling it. The words were coming faster now,
easier, as if somewhere inside me there was a faucet and I had just reached
in and turned it on.

"And then there was that other stuff, when everyone was mad at me, after I
hurt Lance," I continued, thinking back to those long weeks, my eyes
watering. "Everyone shut me out, everyone turned away from me. I already
felt guilty, already wanted to make it right, but no one would let me. I
realized that I'd driven all of my friends away, and I didn't know what to
do, didn't know how to reach anyone. And then there was that day when Jack
invited me to lunch with everyone, and once he did, you all started to come
back. It wasn't the same, and with Lance, and Joey a little, it's still
not. There's still a little distrust, a little unsureness, but that's
something I have to live with, because of what I've done. As hard as all of
that was, though, I had you again at the end of it.  I had my friend back,
and you had Jack, and I had Brit, and everything wasn't perfect, but it was
ok. It all felt normal again, like none of the bad stuff had happened."

I paused again, knowing the next part would be hard for him, but Josh just
waited for me to continue, his wet hair pushed back from his tan forehead,
his eyes wide and encouraging.

"And then Jack left," I said, watching as Josh looked down. "Jack left, and
everything changed. You needed someone to hold you, someone to be there for
you, and you reached out to me, because I'm your best friend and you're
mine. I'm not saying it like you were a burden, because you could never be
that. You needed someone, and I was there for you, but I kept wishing I
could do more, be more, and I realized something else, too. I realized that
even though I put those other feelings away, I still had them. I might have
buried them, but they were still there, and these past two weeks they've
all come back to me, and everything has been different. The last time I had
these feelings for you, I didn't act on them, didn't do anything, because I
was afraid. I wasn't sure of myself, and I wasn't sure of what I felt, so I
ran away, but I don't want to run away this time, Josh."

"Justin?" Josh asked quietly, his voice low, barely audible over the sound
of the hot tub running. "Justin, what are you trying to say?"

"I guess, Josh, what I'm trying to say is that I know who I am now," I
said, shrugging.  "I'm not gay, but I'm not straight, and I'm ok with it. I
fall in love with a person, not with their equipment, and right now the
person that I've fallen in love with, the person I want to be with, and be
there for, is you. I still love you as a friend, as the best friend I ever
had, but I think I also love you, Josh. That's what I feel, and that's what
I know. I love you. The past two weeks, since Jack has been gone, I've been
here for you, but every time you've reached out for me, I've hoped it was
because you still wanted me, too. I think I might have lied to myself a
little, convinced myself that I saw something in your eyes that maybe
wasn't there, because I wanted to see it. The other night, when you came to
my room, I thought it was for me, because you wanted me, and when you told
me yesterday that it wasn't, I didn't know what to say, didn't know how to
feel. I thought that maybe everything I'd learned this summer, everything
I've learned since what I did to Lance, was wrong, that there was no point
to it. I thought about being the way I used to be, and making sure nothing
could ever hurt me again, but I realized that I can't be that person
anymore. I don't care that you used me, because I love you, and I'd give
anything just to be with you, no matter what the circumstances are."

I looked up again, finally, to see Josh staring at me, wide-eyed. His mouth
had dropped open a little, and I waited to see what he would say, but he
just seemed surprised, and lost in his own thoughts.

"Josh?" I asked, confused. "Josh, I just told you I love you, and I want to
be with you. Do you think, maybe, could you want to be with me?"

Josh swallowed, and I saw his eyes water. His face twisted, but these
weren't happy tears.

"Justin, I don't want to hurt you," he began, and I knew that he was about
to. I felt my stomach dropping, felt the hot tub spinning, and knew that my
whole world was about to come crashing down. "Justin, what you just said,
I'm not even sure what to say. I never knew any of that, never knew what
any of this meant to you. You said there was a wall between us, and there
was. I never knew you felt that way, and I don't know how different things
would have been if I had. Justin, what you just said, that you love me,
means more to me than anything, means the world to me right now, but I
can't be with you, Justin. I can't."

"But why?" I asked, confused, trying not to cry. Why didn't Josh want me?
"Josh, I love you. I didn't know it before, but I know it now. I can be
here for you, I can be everything for you. Why?"

"Because there's something you can't be for me, Justin," Josh said, and I
could see by his face that he was trying not to cry as well. He slid across
the hot tub and settled in beside me. Under the water I felt him reach for
my hand, and I let him take it as I waited for him to explain. "Justin, you
can't be Jack for me. I love you, too, Justin.  You're my best friend, and
once I would have given anything, anything in the world, to hear you say
what you just did, but I can't love you the way you want to be, the way you
deserve to be.  I still love Jack, even though he hurt me, even though I
can't even think about him without wanting to cry, without feeling like I
just swallowed a mouthful of broken glass.  I can't love you back right
now, not the way you want, because I don't think I can love anyone that way
right now, and I don't want to hurt you. If I told you right now that we
could be together, that it would work out, and that I loved you that way,
it would be a lie, Justin. It wouldn't be fair to you, and it wouldn't be
fair to myself. Do you understand what I'm trying to say, Justin?"

I thought about it, feeling how warm Josh's hand was, and how tightly he
was gripping mine. I thought about what I wanted, what I needed, and what
would be best for us both. I looked into Josh's face, and saw how concerned
he was, how sad he looked at having to tell me this, and I realized he
wouldn't say it if there were any other way things could be, and that even
though he was hurting me a little now, and himself, too, he was doing it to
keep us both from being hurt even more later. I realized that he was still
my best friend, and that I still loved him, but that I loved him enough not
to push.

"Yeah, um, I guess I do," I said finally, staring at him. "I know you don't
love me like that, right now, Josh, but do you think maybe someday you
could?"

"Maybe," Josh answered, smiling. "Are we still friends?"

"Best friends," I answered, reaching out for him.

We wrapped our arms around each other, holding tightly in the bubbling hot
tub, our bodies pressed against each other, chests together. I felt Josh's
hands clasping my back as my own slid up toward his shoulders, and I
thought maybe, for now, it was enough.  Letting go, I pulled back, smiling
at Josh, and fell into his blue eyes again as he stared at me. They were
wide, and caring, and kind, and I realized just before his lips settled
onto mine that they were getting closer. Josh kissed me, but it wasn't one
of those deeply probing Josh kisses, no tongue pushing into my
mouth. Instead it was soft, and light, and then he did it again.

"Oh, shit," I heard from behind me. Both of us jumped, pulling away, as I
turned to see Chris blushing and stepping backward away from the hot
tub. That's who the note on the front door had been for, I thought. "Sorry
guys!"

"Chris, wait," Josh said, even as I said, "It's not what it looked like."

Chris turned back to us, grinning, and walked over to squat down by the hot
tub. Josh and I were still holding hands under the water, although both of
us were blushing guiltily.

"Justin, it looked kind of like you two were having a private moment in the
hot tub, and I didn't want to interrupt," he said, pulling out his
cigarettes. "If it wasn't that, do you feel like telling me what it was,
then?"

"Actually, it was exactly what it looked like," Josh said, squeezing my
hand. He turned back to Chris. "Justin and I were having a private moment."

"Hey, don't jump on me," Chris said, holding up his hands. "I'm only here
because you called me, although I hope it wasn't to come over and watch,
because, you know, I'm not into that."

"Why'd you call Chris?" I asked Josh, ignoring Chris's playful taunting.

"I was upset because of you, and I was planning to talk to him about it,"
Josh answered, shrugging. He hugged me again, surprising me a little. Maybe
he couldn't love me completely, but we were well on our way. "And then you
showed up instead."

"And apparently you two worked everything out without needing any help from
me," Chris said, shaking his head. "Wonders will never cease. So, being
that I'm already here, maybe the two of you could climb out and get
dressed, and we could do a late lunch or catch a movie or something?"

"Sure," we both answered. We pulled ourselves out of the hot tub, and I
followed Josh to his room, since my clothes were there, too. He handed me a
towel, and we both began to dry off, facing each other. "Josh, what was
that in the tub?"

"Well, Justin, I told you I can't love you, not fully, not yet," he
answered. "But is it ok if, you know, I love you as much as I can? I don't
want to hurt you, Justin."

"No, it's ok," I said, hugging him. "As much as you can, as much as you
want to, it's enough."

And it was. I stayed over at Josh's that night, and we slept in the same
bed, spooned against each other, but we didn't have sex. Over the days that
followed, we continued to spend almost every day together, to spend our
time near each other, and we continued to enjoy the bond, the closeness,
that we both felt. We had always been physically demonstrative friends, had
always been huggers and handholders, and we kept doing it, but now,
sometimes, we hugged tighter, for different reasons, and now, sometimes, we
kissed. It was always at Josh's pace, always when he reached out for me. He
still had a lot of pain inside, still felt a lot of hurt sometimes, but we
were working through it, and he was helping me through mine, too. Brit
still wouldn't talk to me, and wouldn't even look at me the one time we saw
her, and that hurt, but Josh was there.

As the days passed, they turned into a week, and then another week.
Sometimes we stayed at Josh's house, and sometimes we stayed at mine. We
hung out with the guys, too, and I think they could tell that something was
going on, but no one asked, and no one seemed to disapprove. Things between
Howie and I were still a little tense, but he seemed to tolerate me, at
least for Lance's sake. I tried to give him some distance, while still
showing him that I was sorry, but didn't know how well I did. Joey came
back from New York, and we started to do the things we always did, like
photo shoots, publicity, group interviews, and public
appearances. Sometimes Josh and I, when we were hugging or even kissing,
felt it going somewhere else, felt our bodies responding in ways that maybe
we weren't ready for, but we always stopped, never crossing that line
again, even if we both wanted to. We were so afraid of pushing each other,
of crossing a line before we were ready, and when we talked it out, each
time, we agreed that it was best that we wait until we were both
sure. Until then, until we could commit to each other without any pain, or
guilt, we agreed that we shouldn't take that step. I'm not saying it was
easy, because sometimes I was horny as hell, and sometimes I could feel
Josh against me in the night, in bed, but we made it through.

And then, one morning, about two months after Jack had left him, two months
during which Josh and I had grown closer and closer, two months during
which I realized that I loved Josh completely, even more deeply than I
thought I had before, the bottom dropped out of my world again. Josh and I
were in the kitchen, making breakfast. I was standing at the stove, frying
some eggs, when he came up behind me, running his hands up to my shoulders
as he leaned over and kissed my cheek. Neither one of us had showered yet,
and we were both just bumming around the house in our pajamas.

"Morning," Josh purred, staring down over my shoulder at the eggs.

"Hey sleepy," I answered, grinning. "Hungry?"

"For the eggs, or for you?" he asked, giggling.

"Whichever the gentleman would prefer," I answered. "It doesn't have to be
a choice."

We both chuckled, and then I heard the doorbell ringing. Josh and I glanced
at each other as it kept ringing, as whoever was outside kept hitting the
bell over and over.

"What the hell?" I asked, taking the pan off the burner.

"We should get that," Josh said, and we walked hand in hand to the door. I
glanced out the peephole and saw Chris, leaning on the doorbell with his
finger punching the button in. I pulled open the door, and Josh and I
stared at him as he glanced back and forth between us. Josh shook his
head. "This better be good."

"Oh my God," Chris said, his jaw hanging open. "You guys don't know."

"Don't know what?" I asked, feeling my heart flutter. Chris looked like he
had just jumped out of bed and driven over here. He had lipstick smeared on
his neck.  Something must be wrong. "Chris?"

"Come on," he said, grabbing both our arms. Chris pulled us quickly through
my house to the living room, and grabbed my remote.

"Chris? What's wrong?" Josh asked, reaching for my hand.

"Look," Chris said, pointing at the screen.

Jack was on the screen, but not as we remembered him. He was pale, and
skinny, so skinny, like a cancer patient, and had a beard and stringy,
dirty hair. He looked confused, and I saw that he was being helped into an
ambulance, and there were police cars, and cops. Chris's private
investigator had never found a trace of Jack, not in Los Angeles or
Seattle. What was going on? Josh's hand squeezed mine convulsively,
grinding my fingers together, as he went sheet white, staring at the
television. Chris turned the sound up, watching us and watching the news.

"In a story just breaking, Jack Springer, who entered the public eye some
months ago as the then boyfriend of Nsync member JC Chasez, is shown here
being taken to the hospital just after dawn this morning. While the full
story is not yet known, sources state that Springer was allegedly kidnapped
some two months ago, and has been held in captivity since then before
breaking free and overpowering his abductor. Springer has been taken to
Cedars Sinai Medical Center, but there is no word on his condition or that
of his alleged kidnapper."

We stared at the screen, trying to put it together, trying to understand.
Jack hadn't left Josh, hadn't run away, hadn't cast him aside. Jack had
been in trouble, like Chris said, and we hadn't looked for him, didn't try
to help him. Josh turned to me, his eyes huge and watering, floating in his
chalky face.

"Justin?" he asked quietly. "Justin, what, what do I do?"

I looked at Josh, the man I loved, and felt my heart break.

"Go upstairs and get a bag together," I said, feeling knives twist into my
stomach. It was such a simple question, and I had to give him a simple
answer. "It's Jack.  You have to go get him. I'll be, I'll be up in a
second, ok?"

Josh nodded. He reached out to me, running his hand down the side of my
face. He looked like he wanted to say something, I don't know what, but
then he turned away, and ran for the stairs. I watched him go, and as soon
as he was gone from the room I turned, and felt Chris's arms around me as
my knees buckled, and my eyes flooded with burning, silent tears. I
couldn't let Josh see me like this, couldn't let him know my heart was
breaking. If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go, because
you have to do what's best for them, not what's best for you. I couldn't
keep Josh from the best thing that had ever happened to him, couldn't throw
him throw it away, not for me.

Chris back up a little, until we were both on the couch, and he held me
tightly to him as I pressed my face against his chest, screaming into it,
muffling myself as I felt Chris's heart beating beneath. I couldn't let
Josh hear me, but I couldn't hold it in. Chris spoke, and I realized from
his voice that he was crying, too.

"Justin, I'm sorry it's like this," he said. "I know this hurts you, but
Justin, that was the most unselfish thing I've ever seen anyone do, ever."

"Chris, it hurts," I whimpered, knowing this wouldn't go away, knowing I'd
never get over this. "It hurts."

"I know, Justin," Chris said, still holding me. "I know."

***

There. Jack's back.

To be continued.