Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000 21:47:06 GMT
From: M. F. Luder <jmfluder@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boybands. Just the Truth. Chapter 1

Ok, so now I'm suppose to write the disclaimer, right?... I haven't had
that much experience in fanfic... or should I say I don't have experience
at all?... I've barely write one story, post just the 1st chapter and
I've almost forgotten about it at all!... let just say I've haven't had
the time to 'get into' the story at all.

However, this time is different, I've been turning this story around my
head for long enough to have the courage to post it... so just be nice
with me and bare my mistakes, k? :o)

I truly hope you like this story... either if you do like it or not, send
me a post, I'd be very glad to answer them... oh!, right... my email!.
*s*. K, this is: jmfluder@hotmail.com

About the copyright stuff... or whatever it's call this days, well, I
don't know them... and I sure as hell don't OWN them, I haven't been to a
concert for Christ' sake!... ok, now my gramma is gonna slap in the head
for cursing, see what ya make me do???... this is all fictional...
although more than one would like it to be real, right? *grin*, don't
think I don't know you guys!!!... I don't know if they are gay, but if
their wedding is any indication, then at least 'one' of them isn't,
right?

Thanks... yeah!... ok... to my 'S. D. Lucly', the only person who knows
I'm writing this story, who's been there with me through thick and thin,
you've help me a lot baby, maybe not writing it, but just being you and
being there for me. Thanks hon'!

Oh!, one more thing, if you're under 18 or this is illegal in your
hometown, country, state, planet or galaxy, then please turn around in
Alfa centarous and head the right way, k? :o), otherwise just make sure
you don't get caught, k??.... me and my little conspiracies, right?

I'm writing this story from two points of view, one is in first person,
the other is in 3rd person. I just wanted to make that clear, thanks!

Now with the story...

Just the truth

By M. F. Luder

Chapter 1

*****

"Ok guys, now lets review everything again" said Kevin in his 'I know
better than all of you' tone.

That, of course got groans from the rest of the guys, they had been at
his place for over four hours now, with no break at all, they knew that
things always got like this when it was just a three months away from the
start of the next tour, but this time, Kevin was being more anal than his
usual self... it that was EVEN possible.

They were all distributed in Kevin's living-room, since he had all the
papers and information, it was easier to have the meetings in his house,
instead of taking all the paper to whoever's house they were planning to
get together. The floor was full of papers and folders, they had all been
in order when the guys had arrived, but as the time passed, so had the
neatness.

"Kevin, man, don't ya think we could have a break for like 20 minutes,
we've being going over all this stuff for hours already!" complained
Nick, although he wasn't the only was who was tired as hell, it was
difficult enough to keep up with Kevin when he got into his 'Dictator'
mode, now, it was even worse!... 'what had crawl up his ass and died?'
had been the unspoken question in everyone's mind.

"Yeah, I mean, sure, we've got to do this, but we still have time, it's
not like we have to do it ALL in one night" this time it was Howie, he
knew Kevin only wanted everything to be perfect, but this WAY out of
line.

"We don't have the time to waste it guys, not only I have to be on all
the meeting, and they update you guys, but I have to be one to make sure
you know what we're doing, it's our job, not just mine" said Kevin, it
was like this all the time, if they didn't like it, then why didn't they
just go to the meetings?, it's not as if he was enjoying this either!.

"Kev, we know that, but at least give us a chance to rest a little bit,
is not as if the tour is starting tomorrow!!!" said AJ, he was tired as
hell, he'd never been very good at this 'meetings' that Kevin would set
up for all of them, but today, they had just gone over board.

"You know what, you're right!" yelled Kevin, he was tired of this... of
ALL this "the tour isn't starting tomorrow, we don't have to do all of
this tonight!!!" said Kevin.

Ok, now that would have sounded pretty good... if it wasn't for Kevin's
tone, they all knew that he was mad... pretty mad.

"I mean, why do I have to put up with this?!?!, you are the ones who are
gonna be lost the minute we start the tour, and, as usual, I'm the one
that's gonna have to be there to keep you all in line, but not only in
line!, but also wherever the hell you have to be, right???!!!!, why
bother if Kevin is gonna do it anyway, RIGHT?!?!" yelled Kevin, again, he
had had it!, and this time he wasn't gonna keep his mouth shut.

All the guys stare at each other, he had never yelled at them for the
meetings, sure, sometimes, he got angry at them for not paying attention
to them... usually they would just fall asleep the first change they got,
but THIS had never happened before.

They needed to try to talk to him, to calm him down, otherwise they knew
that he was gonna get royally pissed and then, no one of them was gonna
be able to reach him.

"Kev, man, look, I know we haven't been to all the meetings, and we do
understand that you're probably sick of us doing that to ya, but it's no
reason to try to give us all this work in just one afternoon, don't ya
think?" asked Howie, he made a mental note to pay more attention on the
meetings, so they wouldn't have to depend on Kevin for everything.

"OH!, so it isn't fair that I do that to you, but it is fair that you do
that to me, right!?" continue Kevin.

Now, that wasn't the answer that Howie was looking for. No one of them
knew what else to do, they knew it was their fault, and for the looks of
it, Kevin wasn't gonna let them of the hook that easily, not this century
at least.

"You know what!, I'm sick of this... of all this!...." said Kevin while
pacing the room, he was tired of doing this for the guys every other
day... he was tired of all.... with no exception.

As soon as Kevin said that, all the guys regretted their complains, they
knew Kevin was probably pretty tired, and even sick of being 'mother hen'
for all of them, but now, they were kinda scared of what Kevin was gonna
say next.

Kevin kept pacing the room, trying to regain some serenity, otherwise he
just might say something that he'd regret in the not so far future.

After taking a couple of breaths, he said, in a more serene voice.
"Leave"

Now the guys didn't know how to react to this.

"What ya mean Kev?" asked Nick more than concerned... what did he mean by
that?

"All of you, leave, I need to think, just leave. I'll talk with ya guys
in a couple of days" Kevin didn't even looked to them as he said this, he
was at the end of the stairs that led to the second floor, facing them,
with his back to the guys.

"Kev, you sure?" said Brian for the first time since all this had
started, he was worried for his cousin, something had been wrong for a
while know, and was afraid of leaving him alone.

"Just leave. We'll talk later" his voice was now only a whisper, they
guys barely even heard him.

They looked to each other, not knowing what else to do than just do as he
said. They gathered they stuff, most of them had just taken a notepath
and a pen, so they could write important stuff down, not that they would
have it available when they needed it, nope, that was what Kevin was for.

As they headed towards the door, Kevin didn't even turned to look at them
as they leave, not even to say good bye. They all said their goodbyes,
but it was as if Kevin wasn't even hearing them.

"We're leaving cuz, see ya tomorrow" said Brian from the door, Kevin
still had his back to them, it truly looked as if he wasn't listening to
them, like he... didn't even mind.

When all the guys were out of the house, they turned to each other,
puzzled look in their faces. It was already dark, they haven't notice it
was that late, they didn't know exactly the time, but it could be very
easily after 8pm.

"Ok, now, what was that all about?" was AJ breaking the ice, they were
asking themselves that same question, now, getting the answer was another
thing.

"I don't know you guys, but I think Kevin has been acting a little bit
weird lately" said Nick, thinking about what had happen just a couple of
minutes ago.

''lately?', what about the past months?' thought Brian, he didn't 'think'
something was wrong, he KNEW something was incredible wrong with him, he
had tried to talk with him, to made him open up to him, but he hadn't
been able, not at all. Now, he could understand Kevin's persistence to
have everything down perfect, he usually do that when he needed the extra
control, but now... it had just been too much.

Brian had practically zoom out, while the guys had been asking him if he
knew what had been going on with Kevin.

"Bri?" said Nick while shaking him a little bit.

"Uh?" was his only response, he didn't even know they had been talking to
him.

"Did ya hear anything of what we were saying?" asked AJ, he knew that
something 'fishy' was going on, and for the looks of it, Brian had an
idea of what it was.

"Sorry, I was thinking" said Brian, trying to focus on the conversation
at hand.

"Well, be careful pal, you don't wanna hurt yourself, right?" said Nick.

"ah, ah!, very funny Frack" answer Brian.

"Ok guys, now, what do we do?, I don't think leaving Kevin was a wise
idea. At least not if something was wrong" added Howie.

They all looked at each other, they knew they HAD to do something, but
what exactly?, specially since neither of them knew what was going on.

"Guys" said Brian finally breaking the ice "you know he won't let us in,
he asked us to leave for a reason, I think he was tired of everything
that had been going on, with the tour ahead of us, well, Kevin had been
with a lot of work, and probably it was just too much for him", that
could be one of the reason, they all knew that, but Brian knew it wasn't
just that... there was something else, what?, he just didn't know.

"B is probably right, with so much going on, he just got tired, of this,
of us..." Nick said, turning around to look at his friends, neither one
of them look as if they were completely sure of what he was saying, all
of them were standing the front yard of Kevin's house, each one of their
cars parked in front of the house, none of them were happy about this,
but there wasn't much either of them could do.

"Maybe Nicky here is right... we may just want to leave Kevin alone of a
while, so he can... unwind for a bit" suggested Howie.

"Ok, then we leave... and what next?" asked AJ, he needed to know what
was gonna happen, he was worried for his 'big brother'.

"Well, what ya say we have a BBQ on sunday at my place, maybe what Kev
needs is just some goof around time, you know, so one of us just can talk
with him in the next couple of days so he can come over to my place, what
ya think?" asked Nick, he didn't know what else to say, he didn't know
how to help Kevin, if something was indeed wrong.

"Umm..." said Brian while thinking about it "I don't know if Kevin would
go, but at least we can try, right?" finished looking at the rest of the
guys.

They all nodded and headed they ways, while Brian just sat there, in his
car, looking towards the house. 'What's wrong with ya Kev?, and why won't
you let me know?' thought. After a moment, he also took off to his own
house.

While the guys had been talking in Kev's front lawn, Kevin had been lost
in his own little world, just after they left the house, he had move,
from his position at the end of the stairs, to the kitchen, after
searching for a bit, he found what he was looking for, a bottle of whisky
that he always had in there, although he wasn't much of a drinker, to
have one or two every once in a while wasn't that bad.

So, he took the bottle and headed for the little studio he had in the
back of the house, it was like another little house in there, he had
arrange it so it was sound prove and he had some recording stuff too. He
sat in his grand baby piano and started playing, he enjoyed spending time
here as much as he could, he could just play and put all things in
perspective, although that hadn't been helping lately.

He had been doing this a lot lately, just relaxing here, playing on the
piano, he had written some songs, although most of them were just musical
arrangements, but there were at least four or five that actually had some
lyrics, he needed something to help him keep his sanity, otherwise he may
just have died of the pain a long time ago.

He stayed there for hours, he didn't even realized the sun was about to
set, maybe he didn't even mind at all, he spent that night like that,
drinking the whisky till it was empty, and playing on the piano, at one
point along the way, all the memories from that night came back... the
pain he felt, the loneliness... the hurt. He had been hiding all this for
the last couple of months, no one knew about it, he just couldn't let
anyone know about it, it was just too much to bare.

He kept playing the piano, even though he was having flashbacks from that
night... he needed to keep playing, he knew that if he stopped, he would
die of pain. As he played the last chords, he started to cry, he put an
arm on top of the piano, settling his head on his arm, and let himself
cry dry, after what seemed like an eternity, although it was just a
couple of hours, he fell asleep right there.

*****

I walked down the hallway of the electronic devises... as much as I'd
have loved to look for something a little bit more interesting, I knew I
just couldn't do it, at least not today. Ok, let me explain it to ya, so
you get all this, k?. My friend's b-day is in two months, so I'm here in
gift mission, I'm looking for her present, the teeny, tiny little
problem, is that I don't know what to give her. I know what you may
think, if she's such a good friend of mine, they I wouldn't have trouble
looking for a gift for her, right?. And I know you're right, but the fact
is not that I don't know what to give her, but I just don't know what to
choose. You see, she's into Nintendo, a lot!, and since I'm not a
Nintendo lover, well, I just don't know what kind of game she might like.

You must also been wondering, why looking for a present, if her bday
isn't for another two months, you see, we're room-mates, so she pretty
much knows when I leave the house and why, so if in the next two months,
I leave for apparent no reason, then she's gonna know that I went to buy
her a present, also because, every time I arrive at the house, well, she
kinda looks through whatever I've bought, so she might just found her
present, however, today is different, she's in a friend's house doing
some kind of project for her class... so I just have the time to look for
her present, cool, uh?.

Ok, now I've been wondering down his ails for what seems like ages, when
actually, it'd only been just three hours, I've stopped a little bit
checking the new CD rooms for computers, I've got this fetishism for
comps, I LOVE mine, and my cd room is Infra 48X Creative, and I've been
kinda looking for something new... you know, to stay on the edge,
however, nothing has truly cough my eye, so I kept looking for the
game...

Did you know how many games there are to choose from in a store?... well,
I didn't!!!, it could be coz I've never really came to BUY a game,
usually she would buy her own games, and then I'd just see her play, you
know, but now... k... now which one can I choose.

"This one?... hmm... maybe, the name sounds nice...." I said to myself.

"or this one?.... nope, I don't think so... she's not that much into
aliens..."

"lets see... this one?... nope, I don't like the name". Ok, now let me
tell you that I haven't realized I was actually talking out loud, I've
got this very bad habit of talking out loud, my mom had tried to talk me
out of it, but it never really worked, so it was something I did kinda
thoughtless.

Another thing I haven't realized was that there was a guy close to where
I was... also looking at the games, I haven't paid much attention to him,
I was on a mission!.

"Ok, cars?... does she likes cars races?... yeah, I guess..." I said
while I picked another one up. Now the guy that was by my side, seemed to
be paying more attention to what I was doing, not that I notice, I still
needed to find a game!.

"What about you?, do you think she'll like you?" I asked the game, ok,
now it must have looked like I was craze, you know, talking with the
game, and asking it for an advice.

It seemed pretty funny to the guy to, coz I heard him chuckle a little
bit, I turned to see him, maybe he worked there and could actually give
me a hand. But from the looks of it, he wasn't, he was pretty tall,
taller than me, that is, I couldn't see him that much, he had a baseball
cap, and, when I turned to see him, after I had heard him chuckle, he
kinda turned around.

I let it slip, k, lets keep looking, shall we?

I picked up another one, this one looked like it was about action, the
picture was of this guy all covered in blood, trying to kill some kinds
of monsters, "now you... nope!, you're not into her favorites, you
know... I've seen her when I play Phantasmagoria, I think she's not into
killing people like I am". Now this got from him, not only a chuckle, but
a full time laugh. Now I've had it, not only I was sucking at looking for
a game for her, but this guy was also having a kick out of it?.

"Ok" I said while turning around towards the guy "what do you find so
funny?" I asked him directly, he, at least, had the decency of turning
around to face me.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" ask him, still chuckling from
whatever had made him laugh.

"Yeah, otherwise why do you think I would have asked?" I told him,
matter-of-factly, I was tired, with no clue as what to buy, so that kinda
put me in no mood what-so-ever to his antics.

"Well" started saying the guy "first of all, you were talking to
yourself, and, as if THAT wasn't odd enough, you were talking to the
game... and, from the looks of it, you were expecting an answer" said
with a smile on his face.

I had to accept something, he did have a nice smile...

"First of all, who give you the right to eavesdrop on MY conversation?,
and second of all... I wasn't expecting an answer, I knew the answer even
before I asked the question" I answer, ok, it wasn't one of the MOST
serious answers, but it was an answer none the less.

He smiled at me again, some humor on his voice "oh, then, if ya knew the
answer ahead of the question, why did ya ask it?", by the time he had
finished the sentence, he was cracking up at his own lame joke.

"Well..." I started my answer "it's simple. It was a rhetorical question"
I said in my most serious tone, although that didn't last much, two
second later we were both laughing at the silliness of the situation.

After we had calm down, and getting a couple of glares from the rest of
the people in the store, we stood there, now knowing what else to say,
after all, we were strangers, right?

He looked at me again, kinda of searching for something, maybe my
permission to keep talking to me?, I wasn't sure what, I was good at
reading people, but it looked as if he was trying his best to hide what
he was thinking. Maybe... recognition?... of what, I didn't know.

He stood another moment like that, just silent, not knowing what else to
say.

Until he broke the silence. "Where are my manners" said, putting a smile
on his lips again "My name is Nick", at this he hold out his hand for me
to shake.

I gladly took it, he seemed like a nice guy. "I'm Matt, nice to meet
you".

After the proper introductions, he looked at me with a quizzical look.
"What are you doing here?, it looked as if you weren't sure of what to
buy?" he asked looking at me straight in the eyes. It was like he wasn't
sure about something... but what?.

"Well, yeah, actually you're right, I'm not sure about what to buy" I
said while looking at the shelves, there were tons of games... "you see,
I needed to buy a present, and I don't know which one to choose" I said,
turning to look at him again.

He looked at me, then at the games, and then back at me. "You don't know
which one she would like?"

'She', how did he knew it was a 'she', "How did you know the present I'm
looking for is for a girl?"

"Well", he said, chuckling to himself as well "while you were 'talking'
with the games, I heard something about 'she liking it', so I kinda
thought it was for a girl" said smiling at me. "Was I right?". I think he
already knew the answer before I even said anything.

"Yeah, you were right. God, I can't believe I said that much!" I said a
little embarrass, I knew I had the tendency of talking to myself, but
never that much or that loud for someone to hear me!.

"It's ok man, sometimes I tend to do that... but not in a store!" said
starting to laugh. Now I was starting to get tired of his laughing at
me!!!...

"Well, excuse me Mr. All-Mighty-Power, but I'm not into Nintendo games
that much, I'd rather play computer games!" I said, not that pissed off,
but with enough laughter in my tone, that he'd know that I wasn't that
serious.

"K, I know what ya mean... it can get pretty difficult for an amateur
like ya, now, maybe, if you're nice enough, I could help ya out" said in
a mocking tone.

"Oh, so, would you be kind enough to enlighten me with your wisdom, oh
you all Knowledgeable one!" I said as I made a bow, which just made him
start laughing... again!, ok, now I knew something about his guy, he like
laughing!.

"Ok, sure, I could help ya..., now does she like car races?" he asked...
I wasn't really sure.

"Yeah, I guess, I've seen she has a couple of games about cars, but I
think they are pretty old coz she hasn't played with them in ages"

"Ok, good clue, then you must try this one" said while handing me one
game, it had a blue cover, the picture on the box looked like the was at
a speed chase, it looked kinda nice. "It's pretty good, it's kinda new,
just got out last week" said smiling at me.

"K, that's good, she hasn't bought games in like two months..." I said
looking at it, I didn't even bother looking at the price, games weren't
that expensive after all. "Ok, I think I'll take this one, what else?"

"Another one?" he asked a little bit surprised, it looked as if he
thought I'd just settle for ONE game!.

"Yeah!, she's not gonna be happy if this is my WHOLE present!" I answer
him, I knew I'd need at least four more games.

"Ok, lets keep looking" he said while putting an arm on my shoulders and
taking me to the other side of the ail, where there were a lot more
games.

After about one hour, we had the five games I needed, and I had to be
honest, I'm pretty sure that if it wasn't for my new friend over here, I
wouldn't have had not even one game!.... let alone in one hour!.

I had learn a couple of things about him too, he was 20 years old, he had
blonde hair, I knew that after a lock of his hair had fall out of his cap
while looking for game number 3, he had blue eyes, I got to looked at
them about half in our search, and he was a really great guy.

We had been talking for most of the hour, not only about games, but about
anything at all, I told him something about me, I was 18 years old, in
second year of med. school, which had got a gasp from him, I guess it
didn't look like I was studying medicine, right?. After finishing my
'search', well, we went towards the cashier, he had gotten himself a
couple of games for himself as well, I could tell he was a Nintendo fan,
he had looked at the games like one of the pro's, checking for names of
the company and levels and stuff that I wasn't even looking for, I was
just looking at the boxes and the colors!. Silly me, right?

After we had both paid for our games, we headed towards the front of the
store, were my car was, and from the looks of it, his was as well. He
hadn't taken of his baseball cap, I don't know why... it was kinda late,
about 6pm and already dark, but... well, nevermind.

When we got to my car, I stopped around to look at him. "Well, this is my
car, thanks a lot for your help, I really needed it, otherwise God knows
when I would have finished my shopping!" I said with a smile.

"It's ok, I was happy to help ya" said while looking around, I don't know
what he was looking for... "Hey, I was wondering.... would you mind
coming over my place on sunday?, I'm having a BBQ for a couple of
friends, and I thought maybe you'd like to come", said Nick while looking
at the floor, I guess he wasn't used to invite a stranger over to his
house.

I was thinking about it... should I go?, after all, I had just met him...
but he was a nice guy...

I guess he toke my silence as an answer, coz he then said "It's ok if you
can't, I mean, you're probably busy and stuff, and I just wanted to keep
in touch with ya, you seem like a nice guy" he said a little embarrass,
guess I was right about him not being used to invite a stranger for
dinner.

"Nope!, it's not that I don't want to, I was just thinking it over... and
well... I guess it'd be alright, can I ask my friend to come?" if I was
gonna go, might as well take Kate along with me, if something comes up,
at least she's there to back me up.

"The one we shopped for?" asked me, after I nodded, he continue, "sure!,
I'd be happy to meet her!" said smiling again.

"K!, then it's a deal, I'll be over your place on sunday... what time?"

"'bout 3pm, we usually have late lunch when we have BBQs"

"Cool" I said, I got into my car and pulled my notepad from the
dashboard, he gave me his address and directions, said our goodbyes and I
was on my way home... It was been a nice day, after all!, I had made a
friend, had something to do on sunday, and Kate's games on the passenger
sit. I smiled to myself and headed my way home.

As I was driving, I popped my Beatles CD on the cd player and started to
sing along. I've never been very fond of music, at least not of this
decade's music, I'm truly lost at groups from this decade, I'm more of a
60's, 70's guy, so to speak, I love the Beatles, Peter Noone's Herman
Hermits, Lynn Anderson and lots of singers from those times. Most people
don't understand why I like that kind of music, since I wasn't even born
in the 70's, I guess my upbring has a lot to do with that, I've grown up
listening to the Beatles from my parents, at least till I was in junior
high, then, I just kinda got stuck with those likes.

Oh!, where are my manners, I haven't even told you guys about me!... ok,
if you really wanna know, as I said before I'm 18, I'm second year in
med. school, and loving every minute of it!. I don't know how to describe
myself, so I just say the facts, I'm about 5'10", not too tall, I know,
but my mother is very petite and my father isn't that tall at all, well,
I've got black hair and eyes, I'm slightly tanned, thanks god!, I don't
think it'd look good if I had white skin and my hair as black as I have
it!. I've got quite a nice body... at least that's what Kate has told me
a couple times, but she's a little biased, being my best friend and all.
I've being doing swimming for as long as I can remember, which is why
I've got broad shoulders, and plain abs, I think after all the time I've
put into the swimming, is the least I could get back!.

I kept listening to that cd as I pull on the front of my house, I know
what you may think, I'm 18, how can I have my house?, first of all, it's
Kate's and my place, second of all, it was a present from my parents when
I moved here to study in college. They, being the wealthy class people
they are, thought that their only son couldn't live in the campus, so
they bought us a house, I've got to admit, I love it!, it's two stores,
four room, a front and back yard, and, what I love and enjoy the most, a
pool!. Although it's not that big, it's enough when I just don't have the
time to go to the club.

As I said before, my parents are pretty wealthy, my father is an
Assistant Director for the FBI, my mom is the WIFE of the AD, that's her
title, and she loves it!. I'm original from Massachusetts, were my father
used to work, till he was promoted AD and they had to move to D.C., I was
old enough, well, 14, to be left on my own in my home... I was two years
from finishing school and I didn't want to move, and since I've been
always responsible, they thought I could manage, which I did. With a
little help from Kate, of course!. We've known each other since we were
5, her father is an AD himself, also working in D.C. at the time, however
her mother did stayed with her when her father was promoted. She was
kinda a mother to me as well. I spend as much time in her house as she
did in mine.

You might be thinking that Kate and I love each other, which is the
truth, but we're not in LOVE with each other, we've been through thick
and thing, have a well build friendship, but that's as far as it goes...
and you know what, because I'm gay. Yep, I figure it out when I was in
high school, being in the swim team and practicing with guys that got the
most beautiful bodies, kinda tell ya when you're checking them out,
instead of the female swimming team, right?. The only person who knows
about me being gay is Kate, I haven't told my parents because they were
both raised Catholics, and knowing them as much as I do, they would
probably just freak out, so I kinda decided to save the three of us the
indignation, but I'm planning to tell them... just not now.

I'm gonna tell you something about Kate, she 18, like me, I'm 3 months
older than her, yep!, she's got brown hair, beautiful brown eyes, I like
her eyes a lot!, fair skin, what you could call 'porcelain skin', nice
body, she inherit that from her mother, Kate's mother had a killer body,
or should I say 'has', coz even though she's in her mid forties, she
could still wear a bikini and made some heads turn, if you know what I
mean, the only thing that's against her, well... you see... Kate's pretty
short, or, as she like to be called, petite, she's 4'9", I know!, that's
VERY petite, but what's she lacks in height, she's got it in might, she
could kick my butt if she's mad enough!. She's a great friend, my very
best friend, you could say 'the only one I trust', my own little
Scully... at least she's got Scully's height, right?. We've been through
a lot together, or should I say, she's been with me through a lot... I've
usually been the object of worry... but she's gotten me through it.

I parked the car in garage, Kate's gray BMW wasn't in there, so I guess
she was still at her friends for her project, she's studying Civil
Engineering... kinda cool, I guess, well, I stepped out of my black
4Runner, which was my dream car ever since I saw a picture of it in some
magazine, and got into the house. First of all I had to hide the bag, so
I went to the second floor, right into my room and looked around, not
really knowing where I could hide it.

I choose to hide it in the closet, behind a couple of boxes that had some
stuff, I don't know what, and I really didn't want to find out.

Since it was still a little early, I decided to go into the study, that
was on the first floor, it was quite a big room, at least big enough for
4 bookshelves and two desks, Kate and I shared this study, we thought,
since we usually just study in here, we didn't need separate areas. I had
my laptop on the desk and decided to check my email of the day, I logged
in and had a couple of posts, one of them was from my mom, asking me to
call them, since it's been two months since the last time we talk. I'll
do that in the night. Another one was from OBSSE, I think I haven't
mention it yet, but I'm a big fan of the x-files, what's call and
'x-phile', well, I'm in some lists, one of them is OBSSE. Well, I
answered the email and then decided to check they news about the best tv
serie ever made. I know I'm a little biased, but what can I do.

It was 9pm by the time Kate arrived home, I had already made dinner,
knowing that, from the looks of it, she was, not only gonna be tired as
hell, but hungry as well, I wasn't that bad in the kitchen, actually,
having being almost on my own since I was 14, I was quiet a good cook, I
even had my specialty... pasta!, I know it's kinda easy, but I just love
it!.

I was still in the study, I had a class tomorrow, although it was only
three hours, I still wanted to keep up with the classes, if there was
something I've always being worried about are my grades, I've always
gotten straight A's, at the beginning I used to do it, coz my parents
WANTED me to, but then, I think it was the so called 'rebellion stage'
coz I stopped studying, my grades fell like a rock!, however I did
realized something, that getting good grades was something I liked, so I
started studying for the GOOD reason, for me.

I finished reading the last word of the last class when Kate walked
through the door.

"Honey, I'm home" said Kate, coming over her desk and putting her
backpack on top of it, and, some folder she hadn't left with, next to it.

"Did you have a nice day?" I asked her, already knowing the answer.

"Well, if talking about the topic of the project for two hours is your
definition of nice, then yeah". She sat in her chair, her desk as next to
mine, I stood up and went over her, helped her up and guide her towards
the kitchen.

"Dinner is ready, you want some?" I said while helping her sit down in
one of the chairs of the little daily dinning room we had in the kitchen.

"Dinner?. Sounds nice" she crossed her arms, put them on the table and
rested her head on it. "Why do I even bother going to college?" asked in
no one in particular. She is always like this after a project.

"Well, because you love what you do, even though hate having to do group
projects." I served us some dinner and put them on the table, then went
for some coke, I knew she could use some right now, even though she
usually has water at dinner.

I sat in front of her, at our usual places, and tried to help her relax.
"I take the project was tough" I said while taking a bite of my chicken,
I had made boil chicken with potatoes and some rice, I wasn't in the mood
for something more complicated.

"Yeah, I mean, it's not THAT tough!, we just needed to decided on a
project and then go from there, but they didn't make up their minds!, one
of them wanted to build a pub!, the other one a hotel!... and some guy
that I've never really seen in class wanted to build a casino!!!!!.... a
casino for Pete's sake!, I mean, do you have any idea how much money that
WOULD cost!!!... we just had a budget of 350 grand, that wouldn't even
afford the location for a good one!.... so I told them to get real!!!...
we ended up with the hotel idea, it's nice, we even found a good location
already..." she was trying to eat and talk at the same time, I take from
the fact that she had only had one bite of her chicken, that she truly
wanted to talk about the project.

"How come did ya have a location already?" usually she would end up
looking for locations for like two weeks.

"Well, I already had a hotel in mind, so I've checked up the locations,
and since I wasn't gonna let them do this project about a casino!, I told
them that the locations I had already checked out were perfect for the
hotel, so they kinda accepted it. I guess they didn't want to have to
search for more."

I just nodded at that, we had both the tendencies to make the best of our
projects, and usually ended up doing them just ourselves... so I knew
what she meant.

After finishing dinner with just little talking, guess we were both
tired, we went to the living room to watch some tv, neither of us was
gonna stay up till late, coz we both had classes kinda early tomorrow,
even though it was saturday, we still had classes!

Then, I just remembered to tell her that we had plans for sunday
afternoon...

"Kate, I kinda forgot to tell you..." I said not taking my eyes from the
tv.

"What?" asked her, resting her head on my shoulder, since we were sitting
together on the couch, it looked like she was really tired.

"Well, today when I went to buy some stuff, I met a guy..." I didn't even
finished the sentence when she started the 'twenty questions'.

"A guy?, is he cute?... how did ya met him?, what's his name?, do you
like him?-" she lifted her head and turned to look at me right into the
eyes.

"Would you give me a break girl!?!?" I said turning around to look at
her, I got the control and mute the tv.

"Well, then tell me!" she had this huge smile in her face... I knew what
she was thinking!.

"I don't like him!" I didn't want to go there, I was way too tired to
talk about it... again!.

"What you mean you don't like him?, then why did ya wanted to tell me?".

"If you would have let me finished the sentence you'd understand!" I
stood up and face her. "God, woman!, would you listen to me BEFORE saying
something?". She can be such a pain in the ass some times!.

"Ok Matt, now finish what you wanted to tell me" said sitting still and
looking at me.

"Thanks" I made my way to the couch and sit next to her, we both turned
to our sides, so we were looking at each other, if there was something
that both were used to was looking at each other every single time we
talk. "Ok, now as I WAS saying, I met a guy when I went shopping, well,
this is a very nice guy, his name is Nick, and he asked us to go to a BBQ
he was having this sunday, I told him we would" oh, oh!... now, she was
gonna wonder why did I accepted!... which is something I've been
wondering myself.

"Why did ya accept?, I mean, you've never been the kind to talk with
strangers".

She was right, and I hated it!, but I dunno, he had been very kind
helping me... "We started talking and he was very kind, I think I we just
hit it off, you know..." I just hoped she'd settle for that answer, coz I
didn't want to tell her what I was buying.

"Oh... it's nice to see you're being more open, you know..." she didn't
need to finish her thought.

"Does everything has to do with that?!" I just hated when she started
talking about it!.

"Well, no, but... well... is the BBQ just for the three of us?" she said
looking at the tv.

Changing the subject?, now that was new... ok, I'll let her do that this
time. "Nope, he was doing it for some friends of his, and he just kinda
invited us... you ok with it?" I didn't want her to go just because he
had invited us.

"Sure, it's cool, I mean, it's not as if we do that much on sunday,
right?" she said with a smile, everything had been forgiven, as usual.

"Yeah, we're not THAT social!" I said grabbing her nose, she hates it
when I do it! "I think it's better if we go to bed, it's late and you've
got Physics 2 as first class and if ya don't go to bed now, you'll be
asleep there!" I said while grabbing her arm and leading her upstairs.

"I hate that class!. It's so boring!!!" she kept complaining...

"I know baby, but you've got to study it!, and I've got to study bio 2 as
well, we're stuck with them... you know that!" I lead her to her bed, she
sat there and stared at me. "So now be a good girl and go to sleep". I
smiled at her and she smiled back. I put my hands in both her cheeks,
bend her head a little bit, kissed her forehead. "Sweet dreams honey" I
said while leaving the room.

"Sweet dreams yourself" I could hear her say before heading towards my
room.

I got to my room, the one across the hall from hers, and headed towards
the end of the bed, where were my pjs, I didn't even bother turning on
the light, I was used to changing in the dark, besides I knew where
everything was. I got into bed and turned on my side... I realized that
something was missing, I moved my hand under the bed. 'it has to be here'
I thought to myself, it was always here, till I hit it with my hand, I
pulled it towards me and hugged it tightly, I couldn't sleep without my
teddy bear, it was a pretty old bear, but I just loved it, I've had it as
long as I can remember, Kate used to bug me about it, but it came a point
that she just got used to it. I smiled to myself thinking that tomorrow
was the end of the week, finally!. I closed my eyes and slowly sleep came
over me.

*****

Brian had been trying to reach Kevin for the past three days, since that
night at his house, however he haven't answer the phone, he hadn't gone
to his house knowing that he needed some space. But he was starting to
get worried, Kevin hadn't call any of the guys, that much he knew, it was
already saturday morning and he didn't know a thing about his cousin.

He decided he had to know if Kevin was alright. He toke his car and
headed towards his house.

*****

Kevin was still in his piano, he hadn't done much in the last days, the
night of his fight with the guys, he had just stayed in his study,
writing some song in the piano, not really paying that much attention to
life around him, in the back of his mind was a voice telling him that
'this' wasn't healthy for him, not eating, not caring for anything at
all... not even leaving his house, not to say barely leaving his study,
still, he didn't care enough to pay attention to his conscience.

His life had become just staying in his study, drinking until he fall
asleep from exhaustion, he had only showered and changed clothes once,
not really bothering about his looks at all, all the could think off was
the pain, the unbearable pain he was feeling, he couldn't talk about it
with anyone, not only that no one knew about him, with the exception of
Brian, still... it was... just... too much.

After finishing writing the last note he had played, he let himself fall
asleep, even though he wasn't gonna sleep for more than an hour or so, he
needed it.

*****

Brian arrived at Kevin's place about 30 minutes later, he couldn't stop
himself from being scared, he knew Kevin had always been very
responsible, but 'lately' it had been like everything around him had
started falling into pieces, Kevin was their 'shore', where any of them
could go if something... ANYTHING, was wrong, Kevin could always put it
in perspective and help them through it. But now, he was lost, he knew
something was going on with him, but he just didn't know what.

He got to the front door and knocked a couple of times, as expected, it
wasn't answer, so he decided on another approach, he searched his pockets
for his key chain, when he found it, he started looking for the
particular key, the one that'll open the door, every one of the guys had
a key of each other's houses, 'in case of emergency' had insisted Kevin,
as well as the security codes. He also punched the code and the door open
reluctantly.

Brian got into the house, surprise to find the papers of their meeting in
the same place that had been left three days ago, Kevin had the tendency
to be very methodical with his stuff, specially the management papers, so
for him to find that Kevin hadn't clean up was quiet a shock.

Slowly he made his way towards the main bedroom in the second floor, it
was still a little early, barely 11am, and knowing his cousin as much as
he did, he knew Kevin would sleep as much as possible in his spare time.

He knocked the door softly, when there wasn't an answer he knocked again.
'he must be really asleep' said Brian to himself, knowing that Kevin
wouldn't open the door, he stepped inside. What he saw surprised him: the
bed was made, looking not slept at all, there were clothes in the floor,
Brian could recognize them as the clothes Kevin was wearing the night the
guys fought, the clothes were in a trail towards the bathroom. He walked
to the bathroom, not knowing what to expect, however it only seemed like
it had been used, but not cleaned.

Actually the room didn't look that bad, but what had surprised him was
the fact that the clothes were in the floor, Kevin was such a tidy person
that he would always give the rest of the guys hell from not leaving
everything in order, specially their rooms.

The only placed where Kevin could be right now, besides his bed, was the
study, Kevin loved spending time there, specially when he felt down,
Brian didn't understand that, he knew the Kevin could calm himself just
by thinking about it, he was the only person that Brian knew of that
could practically 'turn off' his feelings, even when they were about to
overwhelmed him, however, he had known about times when Kevin would just
would lock himself in his study, none of the guys, not even him, knew
exactly what Kevin did in there, however they did have a pretty good
idea: play the piano. It was like Kevin would let all his emotions leave
him through the notes he would play, like freeing himself from the weigh
of feelings, instead of dealing with them. Brian knew it wasn't healthy
not to face your feelings, but he couldn't do anything to help Kevin, he
just wouldn't let him.

As he made his way towards the study in the back of the house, he was
starting to feel truly scared, he didn't know what he was about to find,
Kevin had been practically been shutting himself off of everyone, even
him, the guys hadn't really realized about it until the fight, they just
thought that Kevin was busy with all the management stuff, and didn't
really feel like going out with them, but Brian knew better, still, it
hadn't been of help.

When he was in front of the door, he didn't know what exactly to do,
'what if it's locked?, what if Kevin doesn't wanna open up?'. He decided
against knocking and just opened the door. Nothing would have prepared
him for what he saw there. Kevin was in the piano, and from the looks of
it, he was asleep on his arm on the top, oblivious to him; the floor was
a mess, there were bottles scattered all over the place, 'whisky' Brian
thought to himself 'he had drank himself to sleep, what had happened to
Kevin?!', there were also remains of pizza, apparently Kevin hadn't feel
like cooking, but there was only one pizza box, 'he hadn't eaten more
than ONE pizza in three days?!' his mind shouted.

He made his way towards the figure in the piano, Brian put his hand on
Kevin's shoulder, he didn't even flinch, he tried again, this time
shaking him... nothing. He leaned towards Kevin, and said in his ear:
"Kev, wake up"

At the sound of voice Kevin was wide awake, 'who was that?' his mind told
him... 'he couldn't... no!, he was gone... he couldn't!!!'. Scared of who
it was, he stood up so fast that almost knocked Brian off his feet, he
was still a little sleep from his drunken slumber. "Who are you!?" Kevin
yelled, at the same time trying to protect himself facing the wall, with
no strength left on his legs, he just fell to the floor, still leaning on
the wall for as little support as he could get, he sat there hugging his
knees with his arms, trying to be as tiny as possible... 'maybe he'll
leave... if he could just go!' thought Kevin.

Brian was in shocked, 'what was that about?', it looked as if Kevin was
scared of his own shadow, just talking to him had made him react like
that!. he walked towards the older man, the surprised gone, replaced only
with worry for his cousin. He kneeled in front of him, and tried again,
putting his hand on his cousin's shoulder. Again, Kevin flinched, making
him pulled away him hand. "Kevin, it's me" he said again.

Kevin didn't react, he just stood there, not moving, not talking...
barely even breathing.

"Kevin, it's me, Brian. Do you remember me?" he knew the question was
stupid, but it looked as if he didn't recognized him.

"Brian?", he said barely above a whisper, slowly he turned around to see
his cousin, looking for his blue eyes for comfort.

What Brian saw scared him to the core, he had never seen Kevin act like
this, this scared and sad, not even when his dad had died. His blue eyes
found the green ones of the older man, they were so full of sadness and
fear, 'fear of what?... of who?' he kept asking himself.

Slowly, trying not to scare the figure, he reached out for Kevin, who, in
return, accepted the embrace. Brian just held onto Kevin for dear life,
thinking that maybe Kevin needed the physical contact to feel save. The
dark haired man just stood there, not crying, not talking, not moving,
just letting him be hugged for the first time in months.. 'so long.. so
long' he thought. Brian was afraid he was not even breathing, but his
fears were put down as he felt his cousin's breath onto his neck.

After what seemed like hours, although neither of them were sure how long
it had been, Kevin released himself from the embrace, he was more calm,
he knew where he was and had happen in the past couple of days, even
though his thoughts were still a little blurry from the alcohol, needed
to know why his cousin had come.

Looking towards Brian, he asked "B, why are you here?" his voice was very
softly, not like his usual self at all.

Brian looked back at Kevin, his eyes were clearer now, although he could
still see the remains of what looked like a nightmare come to live, he
didn't know what it was, but he was gonna find out. "How long have you
been here Kev?" he asked.

He, in response, looked to his surroundings, he could recognized his
study, but it looked a mess, like Nick had spent the weekend over, on the
floor where bottles of whisky, he had forgotten to clean up!, and there
was even a box of pizza... He felt a little embarrass, he hadn't want
anyone to see him like this, specially not his cousin, as if trying to
gain some time, he run his fingers through his thick dark hair, something
he did when he was either nervous or worried, in this case, it was the
first one.

Kevin stood up and walked towards the piano, Brian thought for a moment
that he was gonna act like he wasn't in the room and start playing,
however, Kevin picked up some sheets of papers that rested on top of the
piano and put them in one folder in one of the shelves that were in the
study. 'He had been writing' thought Brian, 'and whatever it was, he
doesn't want me to see it'.

"You've been here since the fight" said Brian, it was more an statement
than a question.

Kevin couldn't turn around from the bookshelf to look at his cousin. 'I
can't tell him, I just can't!'. He took a couple of breaths to calm
himself down a little bit, he had to lie.

But before Kevin could answer, Brian started talking again.

"What happened Kevin?, what could possibly happen to make you drink this
much!" he said while pointing to the empty bottles of whisky in the
floor.

"Nothing ok!, nothing happened!" said Kevin in response, he moved towards
the door, suddenly feeling claustrophobic.

However, to reach the door, he had to pass next to Brian, but Brian
grabbed his older cousin by the arm, turning him around to look at his
eyes.

"NOTHING!?" Brian yelled back, he usually didn't yell, but this was just
too much!. "How can you possibly say that nothing happen when you're like
THIS!. Look at yourself Kevin, you've been drinking for the last couple
of days, you haven't left the house, I can bet on that!, and you haven't
talk with us, really talk!, in months!." Brian looked back at Kevin, he
wanted to help, he just didn't know how. "This has to do with Greg,
doesn't it?"

Kevin, at the mention of that name pulled away his arm from Brian's grip,
with an ice cold gaze he said "Don't ever say that name again, do you get
it?!".

"It has to do with him, I know that!. One day everything is just fine and
the next day you don't want to have anything to do with him, what
happened Kevin. WHAT?!" Brian just couldn't do this anymore, he needed to
know what had happened eight months ago to make Kevin behave like this.

The dark haired man turned around, he couldn't meet Brian's gaze, he knew
he'd break down if he did that, he wouldn't cry in front of any of the
guys, he had never cry in front of them, he wasn't gonna start now, and
not because of him.

"Nothing happened Brian" Kevin said barely above a whisper.

Brian walked towards his cousin and put arms around the older man's
waist, resting his head in Kevin's back. "I love you Kev, and I don't
want to see you hurt. Let me help you Kev, please." He said, his voice
quiver a the last word, he was trying his best not to let the tears fall.

He could hear Kevin take a couple of deep breaths, then he said. "I love
you too Brian, and thanks for wanting to help, but there's nothing wrong"

Kevin turned around and hug Brian tightly, needing the affection "Lets
just forget about his, ok?"

Brian looked up to Kevin, he meet his cousin's green eyes, he was looking
for something... the fear he had seen then when he had wake up Kevin, he
saw none, he just saw... tiredness... exhaustion.

"Ok, but remember, if you need me, I'm here, k?" asked Brian.

"Thanks." Answer Kevin.

They stood like that for a couple of minutes, both needing the security,
then Brian pulled away from the embrace and looked at his cousin.

"You need to rest, and to eat something" he said in a fatherly tone.

"You doing my job?" he asked with a smile.

Brian had to chuckled at that, he knew it was usually Kevin the one
taking care of the guys, telling them they had to eat more, or sleep
more, but now it was Kevin who needed it.

"Just for now, I don't think I could handle Nick or AJ" Brian answered.

"Yeah, they ARE a hand full" he said.

"C'on cuz, let get you to the house" said Brian while grabbing his hand
and making his way towards the house.

"I've got to clean up" said Kevin.

"You'll do it later" stated Brian. "After your sleep a little"

Brian let the way towards the house, and then into the bedroom, none of
them said a word. When they got there, Brian made Kevin sit in his bed.

"There's something I've got to tell you" said Brian looking directly at
Kevin.

"And I'm not going to like it, right?"

Brian just nodded. "After the fight with the guys, they got really
worried"

Kevin flinched at his, he had beaten himself for yelling at the guys, it
wasn't their fault what had happened, it was Kevin's, that much he had
learned. He knew he shouldn't have taken it on them.

"They knew something was going on for you to react like that, they even
asked me if I knew what was it."

Kevin as about to say something when Brian cut him.

"I didn't tell them Kev, don't worry, if someone is gonna tell them, it's
gonna be you, not me. But, they were still worried, so Nick thought it's
be a good idea to have a BBQ just to relax a little bit, thinking maybe
you just needed a couple of unwinding hours, that's why I came here, to
tell you about the BBQ."

Kevin sight and let himself drop in the bed, looking at the ceiling, the
last thing he wanted to do was deal with the guys, specially when they
are worried about him, they would all be asking questions, questions he
couldn't answer. "I'm not going"

Brian walked towards the bed, leaning over so he was in Kevin's line of
vision. "You don't have a choice, they are worried enough with things as
they are right now, if you don't go, do you really think they won't come
to check on ya?"

Brian was right, and Kevin knew that, they would come, and with more
questions than before.

"It's for your own good Kevin, if you don't wanna talk with them, at
least not about what's bothering you, then don't, but at least go, tell
them there's nothing to worry, that just had a lot in your mind." said
Brian, Kevin had already closed his eyes, and he was frowning, which
meant he was thinking it over.

"I'm not gonna stay long" stated Kevin, not even opening his eyes.

"Ok, but at least have lunch with us, then, you can say you've got stuff
to check and leave early."

They both stood there, silence surrounding them, both deep in thought.

"Kev, have you thought about telling them the truth?" Brian asked,
already knowing the answer.

"No!" said Kevin while standing up, he turned around to look at Brian.
"You know I can't tell them, they'll hate me."

"No they won't!, they are your friends Kev, they wouldn't hate you for
something like that, you know that." Brian told him, they had been having
this very same conversation since Brian found out that Kevin was gay, he
was just too afraid of the guys hating him to even consider telling them.

"I don't want to risk it B, you know that!. Why do we keep having this
conversation?!" asked Kevin, he was tired of Brian telling him the very
same thing every other month, he wasn't gonna change his mind, losing
everything he loved, was not worth the risk, he could probably accept
leaving the group, but having his closest friends, his 'brothers' hating
him for being who he was, that was too much for him.

"Because I still have the hope that you'll come around and tell them.
Look at me, I didn't react like you thought I would!" said Brian with a
smile, he had been in shocked when he found out, and it had taken him a
couple of days to come to terms with it, but at the end, he had
understood that he loved his cousin and that was all that matter.

"I accept that, but what if the guys don't take it like you?, what if
they want me of the group, no Brian, period!" said Kevin turning around,
he wasn't gonna keep talking about it and it was final.

Brian sight, he knew Kevin wasn't EVEN going to consider his question, he
had made his mind up a long time ago, if lying was what it take to be
friends with the guys and be in the group, then he'll do it. He looked
over at Kevin, he had his back on him, but he could tell he was tired,
not only because it looked as if he hadn't had a good night sleep in the
past couple of days, but because of the lying and deceiving, for not
being able to be who he really was, but, most important of all, for not
being able to talk about whatever it was that made him change so much.
Brian didn't know what had happened, and Kevin wasn't gonna tell him.
'Maybe he'll open up soon' he thought. 'yeah, right!, you've been
thinking the same thing for the past 8 months and nothing had changed'

Brian knew there was nothing left for him to do, he just had to keep
telling Kevin that he was there for whenever he needed him. He made his
way towards his cousin, put a hand on his shoulder and said "Just rest,
ok?"

Kevin didn't turn to look at him, he just nodded.

Brian, slowly, left the room, Kevin still had his back to the door, so he
couldn't see his face, but he knew it was probably a pocker face, Kevin
had learn not to show his emotions, he was so good with it, that unless
you see very carefully and into his eyes, you couldn't tell that
something was wrong, but if you get to know him a little better, they
you'll feel like something was wrong, not that his 'brothers' had noticed
either, they had needed Kevin to yell at them and practically throw them
out of his house to realized that something was just plain wrong.

He looked one more time towards Kevin, then shut the door behind him,
walking towards the door; as he got into his car and started his drive
home, he remember how he had realized that Kevin was gay, it had been so
weird, it had been over a year a half ago, he had gone to Kev's room to
talk to him about their schedule for the next day, being Kevin the only
one who could tell which city they were in, as he opened his door, he
realized that Kevin was there... with someone. Kev's back was to the
door, and, to Brian's surprise, he was kissing someone... a GUY!!!....
none of them had realized that Brian was there, watching them, so he shut
the door and walked towards his own room in a daze.

As he got there, he sat in the bed and tried to think straight, he had
never thought about Kevin being gay, he had been engaged for Christ's
sake!, but what more prove did he needed to know that Kevin was gay
besides seeing him kissing a guy!. He had been raised Baptist,
homosexuality was a sin, that much he knew!, but at the same time, it was
his cousin he was talking about, he loved his cousin with all his heart,
Kevin had always been there for him, whenever he had needed him. How
could he hate him?, or despise him?, but accepting his choice was against
his believes... what could he do???...

Brian didn't know what to think, he loved Kevin, he was family!... but
then again... God said that homosexuality was a sin and sedomite...
right?... He was starting to feel a headache coming...

It took Brian a couple of days to come with a decision, every moment he
had free, he would go to his room and try to find an answer to his
enquire, but the more the looked for it, the more confuse he become, he
hadn't approached Kevin in those days, he didn't want to talk with him
until he had made up his mind, but he wasn't avoiding him either, he knew
that Kevin would know that something was wrong.

After five days of difficult deliberation, he hadn't come up with a
decent answer, 'maybe if I just stop thinking about it for a couple of
days, I'll come up with an answer' he thought, he knew it wasn't that
possible, but he didn't know what else to do. That day they had breakfast
on Kev's room, as usual, he tried not to focus all his attention on
Kevin, but he just couldn't help it, his own cousin, gay..., he was
talking to AJ, laughing and having a good time, something he hadn't seen
him do in a while... 'he looks so carefree' Brian thought. Then Nick came
from behind them, none of them had realized that the youngest of the
group was there, with shave cream on his hands 'he's gonna play a prank
on them... oh, oh!... he's gonna get in so much trouble, specially if
it's for Kev'. He knew that from them all, the one that didn't take
Nicky's pranks that well was Kevin, not only being the oldest, but he had
tried to teach Nick not to act upon his instincts, but to think before
act, but he sometimes just didn't do it!. Brian could see Nick behind
Kevin, and then... the poured some shave cream on Kevin's hair!!!...
'oh!, now he's gonna get it... and good!'.

Just then Kevin yelled, feeling the liquid on his hair, Howie looked up
from his plate and looked at Kevin, trying not to drop cream to the
floor, AJ laughing his ass off and Nick too as well, then Kevin said:
"You're so dead Nicky". At this Nick tried to run away from Kevin, but
since they were in the room, Kev quickly got him and pinned him down,
starting to tickle the live out of Nick, he tried to beg for forgiveness,
but Kevin was being so quick, that Nick couldn't even breath enough to
talk!... then, after about a couple of minutes, Kevin felt sorry for
Nick, stopping just enough to let the blond kid have a couple of breaths,
then said: "I'll let you go if you promise not to play a prank on ME
again" said in his best 'daddy' tone. "K" said the younger man, not
having another choice, still, they all knew that his promise will be kept
just for a month, they knew it was the longest Nick could stand without
being 'a kid' again. Kevin help Nick up, and then went towards the
bathroom to wash off the cream off his hair.

Brian sat there thinking about what had just happen, Nick had gotten out
of it with nothing more than a tickle fight!... that was new!, specially
coming from Kevin, he would usually lecture him into behaving like his
age and not like a 5 year old kid, however, he hadn't done that this
time, he had also being making jokes with AJ... having... fun?... now
that was a new concept for him, Brian knew how Kevin used to be before
his father died, but after that, he just... kinda closed up in his own
little shell, not letting anyone get into there... he had to take care of
everything, one of those things the group, and with that... the guys.

Being the father figure for them had come so easily for him, not only
because he was the elder, but because he was the most serious of them
all, and meticulous as well. 'He is happy' realized Brian 'he's happy for
the first time since his father's death; if being with a guy does this to
my cousin, then what can I do, right?', he knew that as long as his older
cousin was happy and relax, he was happy for him, if being with a guy, if
being guy was happiness for him, then he was ok with that. 'Isn't god
first commandment to love you brother?' thought, he did, he loved Kevin
for what he was... and being gay was just a part of him.

He smiled after the epiphany he had just had, and, as if on cue, Kevin
came out of the bathroom, his hair was still a little bit wet from the
clean up, he was shirtless, so his T-shirt wouldn't get wet as well, he
smiled at Nick, reassuring him that he held no hard feeling for the
younger band member, and resume to continue his breakfast, although his
coffee was probably cold by now.

Brian, without even realizing it, stood up and walked towards the dark
haired man, when he came to face him, he sat down on the floor, since him
and AJ had been sitting on the floor, and, without telling him a word, he
just hugged him, not letting his tears fall. Kevin had been surprised at
first, but then, the left his cup of coffee and hugged his cousin as
well. After a couple of seconds, Brian let go of Kev and smiled at him.

Kevin, in return, said: "Not that I'm complaining Bri, but what was that
all about?"

Brian smiled again at his cousin: "Nothing Kev, I just kinda wanted to
hug you" with that he stood up and walked towards the end of the bed,
where he had been earlier and resume his breakfast. As much as he wanted
to talk with him, he couldn't do it there, they guys were there. So he
waited till after the concert to talk with him.

When they had all arrived after the concert, he waited a little bit to go
to Kev's room, he knocked twice, knowing that he was probably in his bed
already, tired after the concert. When Kevin opened the door, he was, to
say the less, surprise to see his cousin there, knowing that the guys
usually dropped dead on the bed after a show, he stood aside so Brian
could come in.

"Is something wrong B, shouldn't you supposed to be in bed already?"
asked Kevin, concern in his tone.

Brian smile, it had to be Kevin to worry about him staying up a little
bit late. "Nothing is wrong Kev, I just wanted to talk with ya" said
Brian making his way towards the bed, then sad at the end of it, Kevin
did the same and sat next to Brian, who toke a couple of breaths before
continuing his talk. "I know your gay" said the younger cousin looking at
the green eyes. He could hear a gasp from Kevin, who stood up suddenly,
and moved towards the door, his back to Brian.

After taking a couple of deep breaths he said, in a shy voice, as if he
was afraid of his own cousin's reaction "I'll leave the group if that's
what you want, just don't tell them" said Kevin, still not turning,
pleading in his voice.

Brian couldn't believe what he had heard, Kevin was afraid of the actions
Brian could take against him, telling the guys and kicking him out of the
group, he quickly made his way towards the older man and put a hand on
his shoulder, he could feel Kevin flinching under his hand, still he
didn't remove it. "I wouldn't never do that Kev!, I don't want to you
leave!..."

Kevin slowly turned around, fear in his eyes, and looked at Brian "You
don't hate me?".

"No silly!... you're my cousin Kev!, my family!... I know it took me a
while to understand this, but you're happy, you didn't kill Nick when he
pulled that prank on ya this morning!, that's got to be a sign that
something is great!... and if being with a guy is what makes you happy,
then I'm happy for ya!" said Brian hugging his older cousin.

"God Brian!, I thought you were gonna hate me!" said Kev returning the
hug.

"I love you Kev, you're my friend and cousin"

"I love you too B, thanks!" said while retrieving a little bit to look
into his eyes. "But how did ya know?"

"Well" said Brian, while making his way towards the end of the bed so
both could sit "I kinda... saw you the other day with... hmm... your
friend" said a little embarrass, he didn't know what was his relationship
with that guy and didn't want Kevin to get upset for it.

Kevin blushed a little bit and couldn't help but looked at the floor.
"You saw us?" said, still looking at the floor.

Brian lift Kevin's head by the chin, so he could meet his cousin's eyes.
"Yeah, I kinda opened the door without knocking and... well... you were
kissing him" said smiling.

Kevin blushed even more and didn't want to meet the younger man's eyes.
"Sorry you had to see that"

"It's ok... I mean, you're happy because of him, so, I'm happy for ya.
Now tell me about him" asked Brian, if he was the only know who knew
about Kevin, and he was pretty sure he was, then he was gonna be the one
that Kevin would talk to, so he needed to know all the details.

"Well... his name is Greg..." said Kevin as he started telling Brian.

Brian then realized he had already arrived at his house, he had been so
lost in his memories that he had lost track of time, since that day, he
had been Kevin's confident, telling him almost everything from his
relationship with Greg, by that time they had just going out for about
two weeks, and another week after that day, they had became a couple,
Kevin was static about it!, he had really fallen for Greg, Brian could
see that, and he had fallen bad... however, almost a year after they had
started their relationship, something had gone wrong, Kevin suddenly
didn't want to talk about him, not even hear his name and he wouldn't
tell Brian what had happened, but whatever it was, it was still haunting
Kevin.

*****

Kevin stood there, with his back to the door, Brian had left about ten
minutes ago, but he just couldn't turn around, he felt... scared...
afraid... so many things had happen in the past year, he just didn't know
how to handle it all... so he just did what he usually did, shut off his
emotions, he would handle them later... it had passed eight months and he
still didn't know what to do. He knew he couldn't talk with any of the
guys, not only did they didn't know about him being gay, but he just
couldn't get himself to talk about what had happened 'it was my fault,
all my fault' he kept telling him.

Finally he got the courage to turn around, when he started having
flashbacks of what had happen... he could see the room, it was dark, it
was cold... he could hear the screams... the yelling... he could feel the
pain... the wetness... the blood...

He started screaming, his legs had gave up, not supporting him anymore,
he cuddled on the floor, hugging his legs, resting his head on this
knees, he could still hear the screams... the yelling.

"NO!" Kevin yelled, not being able to stand it anymore... "Make it
STOP!!!!!"

Then, he started crying... letting all the emotions get away... after
what seemed like hours, when it hadn't been probably not more than half
and hour, he had calmed down enough to stand up, he took of his clothes
and went towards the bathroom, hopping in the shower, he put it as hot as
he could stand it, needed it to relax himself. As he let the water fall
over his head, he looked at the title floor of the shower, he could see
the water red... like that night... so red!, he closed his eyes for a
moment, knowing it was just his imagination playing tricks on him. When
he opened them again, the water was crystal... he let out a sight of
relieve... he stood there for a long time... just letting the water hit
him full force... eventually, the tears came... knowing it would be
pointless to fight them, he just let them fall... hoping that someday he
could get away of this... of a nightmare come true.

*****

Ok, that was chapter 1, I know nothing has happened yet... but if I post
everything at once, then it's gonna take me forever to post again.

Send me your comments and tell me what ya think about it so far.

Take care and investigate!.

M. F. Luder

jmfluder@hotmail.com