Date: Sun, 21 May 2000 00:39:05 GMT
From: Jamie Mitchell <just_jamie007@hotmail.com>
Subject: Justin's Journal 3

  This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know
him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as
far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I
hope you enjoy it. Bye now.


   July 24, 1996
I've been having some really crazy dreams lately. In one of them I was on
stage, singing in front of a really huge audience, bigger than any we've
ever actually had. There were thousands of fans screaming and singing along
and dancing. At first the other guys were there, too, but then suddenly I
looked around and realized that I was the only one left. The music hadn't
stopped yet, so I just kept going, by myself. And then I looked over and I
could see Lance and JC standing backstage. At first they were just talking
to each other, but then they kept getting closer and closer, until finally
JC reached out and touched Lance on the cheek really softly and then they
started to kiss. I just stopped singing and stood there, staring at them and
wanting them to stop, feeling like I was going to cry. Then the audience
started yelling at me for stopping and I woke up. That wasn't the weirdest
one, though. Last night I had a dream that JC and I were alone together on
the bus, listening to music, and he asked me to dance with him. I didn't
think it was weird in the dream, so we started to dance and then after
awhile he looked into my eyes and started to kiss me. I felt this incredible
sense of happiness, having his arms wrapped around me, having him kiss me.
Then I opened my eyes and suddenly it wasn't JC I'd been kissing, but Lance!
That's when I woke up. I'm not sure what to think about all of that. It
can't be normal for a guy to dream about kissing other guys, can it? I'm
really scared. What if I am gay? What if my feelings for JC are deeper than
I've let myself believe? Maybe all guys have dreams like that sometimes and
it doesn't mean anything. I wish there was someone I could talk to about
this.

   July 25, 1996
Those dreams I had were still really bothering me today. I didn't even get
much sleep last night, I kept tossing and turning and thinking about what
the dreams might mean. JC asked me this afternoon if I was feeling okay. He
said I've been unusually quiet and I look kind of tired and worn down. It
was so obvious that he was worried about me, that he really cares about me.
Like a brother, of course. But for the first time ever I really wanted it to
be more than that. When he put his hand on my forehead to see if I had a
fever I just felt this tingle go through my whole body and I didn't want him
to take his hand away. I felt so close to him and it felt so right, him
touching me. I told him I was okay but that I'd been having some bad dreams.
Of course he wanted me to talk about them with him, but I couldn't. I think
I really am in love with JC. Whenever I think about him I just get this
feeling inside, this ache to be with him. Maybe being gay or straight
doesn't even have anything to do with it. Maybe what I feel for JC just goes
beyond that. If I didn't think Lance liked JC, I'd talk to him about this.
He'd probably understand better than anyone what I'm going through.

   July 27, 1996
We were really busy yesterday, so I didn't have time to write or even to
really think about everything I've been feeling lately. Today, though, we
had a day off. JC asked me last night if I wanted to go shopping with him
this morning and of course I said yeah! I was really excited at the thought
of spending a few hours with JC, just the two of us. It's been a really long
time since that's happened, since all five of us are together all the time
now. When I woke up this morning going with JC was the first thought that
popped into my head and I jumped up and started getting ready. I felt
happier than I have in a long time, except for when we're on stage. Then
Lance had to go and butt in where he didn't belong! JC and I were just
getting ready to head out when Lance decides to wake up and ask where we're
going. Of course, being a nice guy, JC invited him along. Before I even had
a chance to hope that he'd say no, he said sure, he'd come along! I was so
disappointed and angry at Lance for ruining everything. He and JC spend so
much time talking about business and those sorts of things and I don't go
butting into that do I? It's so unfair! After Lance got permission from his
mommy the three of us went out and hit some stores. I ignored Lance as much
as I could, but he didn't seem to care about me at all. He might as well go
around wearing a big sign that says I Love JC! So, what could have been a
great day was ruined. Sure, I still got to spend time with JC, but I always
spend time with JC. It's spending time alone with him that I wanted!

   July 28, 1996
  Well, I was wrong when I thought that Lance didn't notice how much I
didn't want him around yesterday when we went shopping with JC. Last night,
after I wrote all that, he came in to talk to me. At first I was still
pissed at him so I didn't say much. But then I realized that he was really
upset and thought he'd done something to hurt me. Well, he had, but I
couldn't really tell him what, could I? And besides, it's not like he knew
how much I wanted to be alone with JC and butted in on purpose. So I finally
told him that I wasn't mad at him, that I'd just been grouchy all day. He
seemed to believe me. We talked for awhile and he told me how much my
friendship means to him and that I'm a really important part of his life. I
felt really bad for the way I'd been acting and told him that he's important
to me, too. He said I could talk to him about anything and that friends
shouldn't have secrets from each other, so I decided to just go for it. I
asked him if the guy he said he loves is anyone I know. I don't think he was
expecting that! He blushed and stared down at his hands for awhile and then
finally started to nod his head. That made me feel angry at him again, even
though it's not his fault that he loves JC. I'm the last person who should
judge someone for that, after all. I just laid down with my back to him and
said "He's Straight." I wanted him to just go away and leave me alone but he
sat there for a long time, not saying anything, but he finally left and then
I fell asleep. We haven't talked at all today and I feel bad about that. I
just wish that I didn't have to deal with all this. I wish I could go back
to being a little kid again sometimes, when all of these confusing feelings
didn't exist!

   August 15, 1996
I'm writing this from the airplane. JC is sitting right next to me, sound
asleep. He looks so peaceful and sweet when he's asleep. Joey and Chris are
in the seats behind us and Lance and his mom are across the aisle. We should
be landing in Florida in about half an hour, I think. I can't wait to see
Mom and the rest of my family again. We talked on the phone a lot, but I
really did miss them all a lot. The last few weeks were really busy, we
hardly had a moment to think. That was probably a good thing, though. Ever
since the night that I wrote about in my last entry, Lance has been acting
really oddly around me. Like he doesn't want to be around me, almost.
Talking to him is like trying to pull teeth, every single answer to all my
questions has to be pulled out of him. It's so bad that even the other guys
have noticed. Chris and Joey seem to think that Lance and I had some secret
fight that we won't tell anyone about or that I did something really bad to
Lance. I'm not sure why he's acting that way, I guess because telling him
that JC was straight sort of crushed his hopes. My mom sometimes uses the
expression Don't kill the messenger, and I think this is kind of one of
those situations. Lance is blaming me, the messenger, for the fact that JC
is straight. I'll be glad to get away from them all for awhile, except for
JC, of course. He'll be staying at the house with us as usual. Well, JC's
starting to wake up, so I'll write more later.

   August 26, 1996
It's been so great being home! We've been busy, yeah, but it's nice knowing
that I'll be coming home to the same room- my room!- every night now. Plus,
I've got time now to practice driving so that I can get my license on my
birthday! If we're even in America then, of course! I hope we are, I've
always planned on getting it on the very day I turn 16. Well, I'm going to
try and rope JC into a game of b-ball. His idea of fun is taking a nap!
That's another reason that being home has been so great - JC and I hang out
every night, just the two of us!

   September 1, 1996
I've been so stupid! I don't even know how to begin to write about all of
this! Well, JC and I were talking earlier tonight and somehow the
conversation turned to all the girls who think we're cute and everything. I
said something about maybe there will be a few guys who will think Lance is
cute so he'll stop being so moody. JC said he'd been wondering if I was ever
going to talk about that. I wasn't sure what he meant and said so. He told
me that Lance and I were going to have to get passed what happened because
otherwise the group might suffer because of it. I asked him if he knew what
happened and he said yeah. That surprised me, because it meant that he knew
how Lance felt about him. I told him that it wasn't my fault Lance was so
upset by the truth and then JC said that I could have been more sensitive
towards Lance's feelings. Then he said that I should stop and think how I'd
feel if I really liked a girl and I'd finally tried to tell her so and she'd
acted like I had to Lance. That really confused me, because it didn't seem
to make any sense! I told JC that I didn't know what he was trying to say,
and he asked me to be honest with him - did knowing that Lance had feelings
for me freak me out so much that I didn't want to be around him any more? I
stared at him with my mouth hanging open, totally shocked. It was like all
the pieces just fell into place, though! Lance never specifically named JC
as his crush. I feel so relieved that Lance doesn't have feelings for JC!
But I also feel really weird about him having feelings about me. I'm not
sure how to deal with it, really. I almost wish I didn't know. I promised JC
that I'd talk to Lance, though, as soon as possible, and try and get sort
things out.

   September 4, 1996
I finally got some time alone with Lance today to talk things over. JC
actually tricked us into it. Lance came over because they were supposed to
go shopping and JC sent him up to his room to wait while he made a phone
call. Then he told Mom to send me up when I got back from driving practice,
which was about five minutes later. Instead of JC, though, I found Lance. It
was really awkward and I realized that Lance must have been feeling this way
around me for over a month now, while I've been clueless. But, I'd promised
JC that I'd work things out so I just told him the truth - that I was
flattered that he liked me, but that I didn't have those feelings for him.
He said he'd figured that out by my reaction and was sorry he ever told me,
but that when I brought it up that night he thought maybe I was feeling the
same way. I knew that he was still hurt over how I acted, so I had to tell
him the truth- that I thought he'd liked JC. He didn't believe me at first,
I don't think. Then he asked why him liking JC would have made me act so
cold towards him. I wasn't ready for that question! My face felt really hot
and I just kind of started talking about JC being straight and how I didn't
want either of them getting hurt, something like that. He gave me a really
funny look, like he didn't believe me, but he let it go. I told him that I
didn't want to lose our friendship over this and he agreed and said crushes
are fleeting and that I should get used to people having them on me! After
that I talked him into playing some b-ball, even though he totally sucks! JC
came out and joined us after awhile. So, that crisis is passed. I still
can't believe that Lance liked me and not JC! I was so sure I had it all
figured out. Well, at least things will be normal between us again from now
on. And it's kind of cool to think that someone as nice as Lance was
interested in me, even if he is a guy.

  ~You can write me at just_jamie007@hotmail.com I don't think this chapter
was very good, i'm sorry :(