Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 22:16:32 -0000 From: Jamie Mitchell Subject: Justin's Journal 9 This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it. Bye. ~Happy 20th Birthday to the real Justin Timberlake!~ March 4, 1997 I think I caught whatever JC had the other day. I've been feeling achy and getting really cold, but then as soon as I try and get warm, I get really hot, like I'm burning up. It was worth it, though, to take care of JC for the day. He looked so beautiful while he was sleeping. And that smile he gave me when he woke up, it felt like it reached inside of me and gave my heart a little squeeze. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that day, so even though I'm sick because of it, it was so worth it! Just for one afternoon I could pretend that JC was really my guy and that I was taking care of him when he needed me to. Well, I need to get some sleep, we've got a show tomorrow. March 8, 1997 A lot has happened, but I actually don't remember most of it. I wasn't feeling well when I wrote last time, but when I woke up the next day, it was even worse. We had a show to do that night, though. I've had lectures from all the guys since about how I should have said something about not feeling well. I guess I should have, but I didn't want to be the cause of us canceling a show. Plus, I really thought doing the show would make me feel better. They usually do, being on stage is an incredible high for me. But this time, it didn't work out that way. I guess the last thing I can completely remember is the first song we did that night. I kept getting hot and cold flashes all through it and I remember feeling kind of dizzy. That's the last thing I really can place in my mind. I know from the guys that we did finish the show, so I managed somehow. I am glad about that. But I guess I started acting strangely when we got back on the bus and then I just kind of slumped over and started moaning. I'm actually glad I can't remember any of that. I hate to think of it, even. The guys must have been really worried. I had a really high fever, it turned out, and the doctor said he wanted me to get some bed rest for a few days at least. So, I've had to hear from all the guys how stupidly I acted, not telling anyone I was sick, because that just made it much worse. I guess they're right, but I honestly thought that going on stage was going to make me feel better. The really bad part is that JC felt guilty for getting me sick in the first place. He's apologized over and over, but I keep telling him that I'm the one who went in to take care of him, of my own free will. It's not like he asked. I can't tell him, of course, that I wouldn't trade the memory of that day for all the good health in the world. All of the guys have been very good to me, though. There's almost always someone sitting in here with me. Joey's fun because he just tells these long stories about things that make me smile. Chris jokes around and makes me laugh. And Lance has been really great, too. It's almost like before I came out to him, we just hang out and talk about stuff and it's really nice and comfortable. JC, though, has been with me the most. I guess that's because he's feeling so guilty. A lot of the time when he's sitting with me he just tells me to get some rest, so we don't really talk that much. He just kind of sits and watches me, gets me some water if I need it, things like that. When we do talk, it's usually about the things we've done. Like one of us will say "Remember that time..." It feels really good to know that I share a past with JC that none of the other guys do. Anyway, I've had my few days of bed rest and I really am feeling better. My fever is pretty much gone and I'm going to be allowed to get back up tomorrow. Finally! It's been nice hanging out with Lance and JC like this, but staying in this bed all the time is driving me crazy! I've got a lot of energy that is just demanding to be burned off! March 11, 1997 I'm so embarrassed, I wish I would just drop dead right now. I feel so stupid, I've ruined everything. My whole friendship with JC will never be the same again. I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't even face him. Lance and I were hanging out tonight and he told me something that I really wish he hadn't. I could have gone through the rest of my life in ignorant bliss, but now I know and I don't think I can ever be around JC again. Okay, I'm not making much sense. Here's what Lance told me- the first night I was sick, when they brought me back to my hotel room and I was pretty out of it, I was talking about JC. About how much I loved taking care of him, of 'my guy', and about how much I love him! What am I going to do? JC heard all of it, they all did. All these days, this whole past week, JC has known how I feel about him. All the time he was sitting with me. All the time we were talking about our MMC days. He knew. God, he must think I'm so pathetic. Now that I'm better and he's doesn't have to feel guilty, he'll probably never want to talk to me again. How is he going to feel, being around me and knowing that I love him, when he's not in love with me? When he's straight? I wish Lance had just kept his mouth shut. Now I don't think I can ever look JC in the eyes again. March 12, 1997 I managed to avoid JC all day, other than the group stuff, where I pretended to be really involved in other things so he wouldn't talk to me. Lance just left. He came in about an hour ago and apologized for telling me. He said that it's the lowest thing he's ever done and he hates himself for it. I asked why he had to tell me at all and he said he doesn't know. That he didn't mean to, he'd just been feeling really jealous and hurt by it since that night, even though he'd already figured it out in advance. Hearing me say it and knowing that all the other guys heard, too, just made it worse for him and he ended up taking it out on me. Those are his words, not mine. I'm pissed at Lance for telling me, but at the same time I can't really blame him for feeling the way he did. I keep thinking, what if while I was taking care of JC he'd been talking about loving someone else? And back when I thought Lance had a thing for JC, I wasn't exactly an angel myself. Seeing them together always sent me into a mood and I wasn't very nice to Lance a lot of the time. Still, it's very hard to not be mad at him for telling me, because every second of my life since I found out that JC knows has been miserable. How is JC ever going to feel the same about our friendship? How am I ever going to be able to act normal around him, knowing that he knows? I feel like everything is ruined. March 14, 1997 If one thing made the past few days even kind of bearable, it was that JC didn't know that Lance had told me that he knew I was in love with him. That way, at least, we could still both pretend it hadn't happened, no matter how hard it was for me to be around him. And I'm sure it was just as hard for him to be around me. He must have been a little freaked out that this gay guy is in love with him. But now, even that is gone. That one thing that was making it possible to still be around JC when I absolutely had no choice, which is often since we work together constantly, is gone. Once again, Lance decided to take matters into his own hands. I could kill him! He came in about half an hour ago to talk to me. He said that he was really sorry that he'd caused this bad situation and that he'd talked to JC about it, let him know what had happened! He said he did it so that the two of us, JC and I, could work it all out and not let it affect our friendship. I went off on him. Right now, if I never saw Lance again that would be just fine with me. How can he call himself a friend when he keeps messing up my life? Now JC and I are going to have to talk. And that means that JC is going to tell me it's okay with him that i have these feelings, blah blah blah, he thinks of me like a brother, blah blah blah, I'll get over feeling this way in time. But I won't! I love JC. I love him so much that it hurts and I can't bear to have him tell me he doesn't feel the same way and that I'll get over it in time, like it's a medical condition or something. I don't want to get over it. He's everything to me. I don't know what I'm going to do. This is all Lance's fault, I wish I'd never met him. I wish he'd never been born. How would he feel if I went to his mommy and told her all of his secrets? I'd never do that, but he doesn't seem to have any problem dishing out mine to the one person that should never have heard them. I can't deal with this, it's just too much. March 16, 1997 I managed to avoid JC all day yesterday, except during the concert we did last night. I knew he wouldn't try and talk to me in front of all the other guys, though. Today was a little harder, because we were in the studio. Lance tried to talk to me yesterday afternoon, but I told him that I have nothing to say to him right now that he's going to want to hear, so he backed off. I can't believe I ever worried so much about having him back as a friend. Anyway, I managed to make avoid being alone with JC today by sticking close to either Joey or Chris at all times. This can't go on much longer, though. Sooner or later, JC is going to have to break my heart. I just can't bear to hear the words. As long as I could love him without him knowing and rejecting me, there was always this strange feeling of hope. I mean, I knew he was straight and logically that there was no way we'd ever be together. But still, there was a part of me that could believe, the part of me that's so entirely in love with him. And when I have to hear that he doesn't think of me that way and that I'll find someone else in time, it's going to destroy me. I can't even imagine how much it's going to hurt. Tomorrow will at least be a distraction. Management signed us up for this celebrity charity event, we're going to be playing basketball. At least I can lose myself in that for a few hours, kick some butt on the court. I haven't even heard of most of the people we're playing with and against. About the only ones I have heard of are the Backstreet Boys, Lou's other group. We've met them a few times over here and for the most part, they seem like nice guys. Anyway, I'm just going to have to take this day by day, as long as I can. If I had any brains I'd probably just go to JC and get it over with. But I can't do that. I know that it's coming, but I need to avoid it for as long as I can. Either way, my friendship with JC is probably ruined forever. And I know my friendship with Lance is. But you know what? Even with all that's happened because of me getting sick and blurting out my feelings while I had a fever, I wouldn't change the day I took care of JC for anything in the world. At least I'll always have a few things to hold on to, like that day, and like the time JC fell asleep while we were watching a movie and cuddled up with his head on my chest. Nothing can take those times away, at least, even if there will never be any more like them. Wasn't the Super Bowl halftime show awesome??? :-) Sorry this isn't more upbeat, but then even Justin has got to have his down times. I hope you enjoyed this. My best friend pointed out how down I am about my work in this little note at the end of every chapter, so I'm trying not to be this time, for him! :-) Please let me know what you think at just_jamie007@hotmail.com.