Date: Thu, 30 Dec 1999 23:54:39 CST From: Peter Kamphuis Subject: Kevin and Justin - Chapter 3 All the usual disclaimers apply: Please stop reading if you are underage or homophobic. This is a work of fiction - nothing is being implied about the sexuality of any of the people portrayed below. Thanks again to those people who've emailed me with their words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. You don't know how powerful this is as an incentive to keep writing, and to ensure that each part is written to the best of my ability. I know it's hard to be objective, but I'm giving it my best shot, thanks to all your comments. -Peter. So, sit back and enjoy another instalment of 'Kevin & Justin'. Kevin & Justin - Chapter 3 Kevin walked back to his suite with an even heavier heart than before. Sinking onto the couch in his lounge, he placed his head in his hands and stared at the carpet, lost in gloomy thoughts. He felt so utterly alone! He had almost adjusted to his single, lonely life, and then Justin had come along and upset the balance again! All the work he had done on burying his feelings and troubles as deep as he could was wasted! If anything, he felt more alone now, than when he had finally accepted that he was gay and chose to distance himself from the guys in case they found out and rejected him. The rejection he had feared to face then was like a shadow compared to the rejection and pain he was feeling now! And all because he had opened himself up to an angelic looking teenager who had paid attention to him like no other person had ever had. Why had he let himself become friends with Justin? Why had he let his defences down without a thought, just because an angel deigned to talk with him, and accept him without question from the start? Granted they had only known each other for a short few hours, but he felt a deep connection to the blonde-haired angel. Never before had he felt so comfortable with another person this soon after meeting them. And Justin's attitude - the way he did his utmost to make Kevin feel comfortable, and liked - it was like magic! No-one had ever paid him that much attention, even his own friends! And though some of Justin's attention may have been directed at him because of a feeling of pity, Kevin sensed that that had quickly given way to genuine interest and friendship. Why? What had he done to deserve this? If Justin hadn't made him feel so warm, so happy and accepted, he could have endured any amount of snubbing. And why was he so bothered about seeing Justin and his bandmates socialising together? As soon as he thought it, he knew why he was bothered. Socialising... That was something that his bandmates didn't do with him anymore. Even though deep down he wanted to join them at any cost. Well, no that wasn't strictly true; the cost was just too great to even contemplate it. He couldn't fail to be the guys' father figure. They had no-one else to turn to when they were in trouble or troubled. If he relaxed even a bit, he'd lose the ability to comfort and look out for them. And they... they'd probably lose the one person they respected enough to help them out with all their problems. And although he had initially taken on the role so that he could hide his sexuality behind the barrier he had hastily built, he soon realised that he had lost the closeness and friendship that he had once shared with the guys. The only good outcomes of his decision were that the guys no longer had to talk to their parents or management if they got into trouble, which often took some time to arrange (especially if they didn't want to talk about it over the phone). The other good outcome, again for the rest of the guys and not necessarily for him, was that the pressure they were under to manage their own time was removed. Kevin remembered everything for them. He told them 'what', 'when', 'where', 'how', 'why' and 'who', and they just followed his lead. This of course left Kevin with precious little time to maintain a relationship with them that went beyond the 'professional' level... It was as much his fault, as well as the others', that they had drifted apart. At the time, he thought it was for the best... even now, when he regretted losing the closeness, he knew it was important to be there for the guys and to be the guys' father figure. But Justin had come along and made him doubt his resolution to hang back and remain in control. If Justin were to ask him to go out right now, he knew he would jump at the chance - no matter what damage it would do to his relationship with the guys. The same way that he had jumped at the chance of sharing his room with Justin, with barely a thought spared for the consequences of losing his privacy. He sighed. 'I can't do this,' he thought. 'On the one hand I want to get to know Justin a lot better - a lot, lot better - but on the other hand I'm just too scared of the consequences.' He thought back to the scene in A.J.'s room. He replayed everything in his mind. From the moment that they had entered the room, till the moment he had left, feeling dejected and lonelier than ever. The one thing that his mind kept coming back to, was Justin. The way Justin had greeted Kevin's bandmates, the way Justin and Brian had shared that funny look with each other, the joking and horsing around with Nick, the occasional looks that Justin threw in his direction, and the general bubbly tone in Justin's voice. He knew that if his life depended on it, he wouldn't be able to tell anyone what he and Lance had discussed, nor what the other guys were doing, even though he had tried to talk to each of the 'N Sync guys at some point during the night. Not that it had done him any good. Only Lance and Justin had talked to him as if he were normal, rather than a nuisance to be ignored or patiently endured. He felt a pain in his chest at the memory of being left alone, left to his own devices, while Justin socialised with the rest of the guys. It was such a contrast to the feelings he had had while talking to Justin in the limo, and the caring individual who had wanted to selflessly hang out with him at the expense of making friends with Kevin's bandmates. He was drowning in the jumble of confusing feelings and images that played through his mind. He sat up and felt a bit stiff from the extended length of time he had spent hunched forward. He didn't know if he could stop thinking about Justin and the rest of the 'N Sync guys, but he was going to give it his best shot. He walked into the bedroom and over to his suitcase, which was still lying on his bed, and opened it. He searched through it until he found his gym clothes. He had a choice of two different track pants. He took both out of the suitcase and laid them on the bed. He stared at them for a few moments before deciding to wear the grey, longer pair. He quickly changed his clothes and wandered back into the lounge. Perched on the side cabinet, near the phone was the hotel dossier. He quickly scanned through it, located the precise location of the gym, as well as the necessary information on closing time and left the room in search of some peace of mind. *-*-* Justin had finally managed to calm himself down. It felt like he had been crying for hours, when in fact it had only been about ten minutes. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be in his own room, sitting and talking with Kevin. If no-one else wanted to talk to Kevin, then so be it. He'd be the only one to do so, and he'd be happy to do it. In fact, he knew that that was true already! From the moment he had extended his hand to grab Kevin's at the airport, he had felt genuine pleasure in being in Kevin's company and speaking with him. The sensuous voice and the slight southern accent were mesmerising as well as comfortably familiar. Kevin's voice was one that he'd happily drown in! A sudden thought flashed across his mind. 'What would it be like to be woken up with the sound of his voice in my ear each morning?' An almost orgasmic thrill pulsed through his body. He just had to get away from here! He had to find Kevin! He had to find the man who was coming to mean the world to him. He cautiously approached the door and put his ear against it. He couldn't really hear anything, which hopefully meant that no-one would be standing near the other side of the door. As quietly and slowly as he could, he unlocked the door and then opened it. Risking a peek outside, he noticed that his bandmates were sitting down on the couches in the lounge room. No-one was looking in his direction thankfully. He slowly stepped out and closed the door gently behind him, never taking his eyes off his bandmates. He briefly wondered where the BSB guys had gone? An echo of voices from the kitchen gave him the answer. He slowly tiptoed past the entrance to the kitchen, praying that he'd pass unnoticed. His prayers were answered. The guys were sitting around the table and they appeared to be having a serious discussion, paying no attention to the doorway. Much as he would have liked to listen in on their conversation, he wanted to get out of here. He needed to be with Kevin. He got outside and was able to breathe a sigh of relief. He walked over to his room and entered it. "Kev? Are you okay?" he called out as soon as he closed the door. No answer was forthcoming. He peeked into the kitchen: no sign of Kevin. He wandered over to the lounge, still no sign of him, and the balcony door was still locked, so he couldn't be out there. Well, that only left the bedroom. He strode to the bedroom, but still no sign of Kevin. He cautiously peeked into the ensuite, hoping he wasn't about to give Kevin and himself the biggest surprise of their lives. Still no sign of Kevin. He looked over at Kevin's bed and noticed that the suitcase had been opened. And lying on the bed was a pair of blue sweat shorts. 'A-ha!' he thought. 'The gym.' He strolled across to his bed and opened his own suitcase. A quick change of clothes later and he was ready to join Kevin. Now how would he be able to find the gym? He could only think of calling down to Reception. As he reached to pick up the phone, back in the lounge, he noticed the dossier lying open on the page dedicated to the hotel's sporting facilities. He quickly noted the location of the gym and smiled. Soon, Kevin would have company - whether he liked it or not! He left his suite and walked to the elevator. As he pressed the 'down' button, he could hear a laugh coming from A.J.'s room. 'Typical,' he thought angrily. 'The bastards are enjoying themselves, while Kevin is suffering!' He stepped into the elevator and stabbed the button for the 14th floor. Had he hung around for another minute or so, he would have heard Lance's frantic voice calling out 'Justin?' *-*-* Kevin was starting to feel much better. He had worked out his frustration, and a small amount of anger on the weights machine. It had also allowed him to think a bit clearer. Unfortunately, he hadn't been able to stop thinking about the events of the past several hours, but at least he had reached some conclusions. He had kidded himself that everything would be okay, just because Justin was trying extremely hard to get him and the 'N Sync guys to 'click'. But, it was just too unreasonable to think that Justin would be able to solve his problems for him. The only way he'd be able to get to know the guys better would be to dedicate himself to that task. Maybe he could 'pick' one of them and concentrate on getting to know him better, then work himself through the rest of them, one at a time? It was a thought. He filed it away for further consideration. As for his other problem, he would have to work very hard to ensure that it wouldn't become too much of a problem... He grimaced inwardly. He hated himself for thinking of Justin as a problem, but unfortunately, it was true. Not that Justin WAS the problem. Rather, the problem was with the way Kevin felt about him. He couldn't believe how clingy he had felt of Justin! Justin was a great guy; a real angel in fact. But there was nothing written down anywhere that Justin had to be Kevin's personal full-time companion. Sure, they had seemed to connect at some really fundamental level... Kevin suspected that he would never feel uncomfortable talking to Justin; and he was a person who was so shy that he normally spent days if not weeks getting to know someone before he'd be comfortable enough to talk with them in an easy manner. But the fact remained that Justin was another human being, and his own person. Whom he spent time with, was his own business, not Kevin's. The last thing Kevin wanted to do was to obsess over Justin's friendship. Justin had freely given him his friendship, and Kevin would do everything in his power to be Justin's friend. Once Kevin made a friend, that person was a friend for life! He sighed. Deep down, he knew that he was just lying to himself... No matter how he rationalised it, he felt an attraction to Justin which went beyond friendship. Everything about the blonde-haired angel was intoxicating to Kevin. His looks, his personality, his warmth and generous spirit, the way he smiled, his sincerity, his immediate understanding of Kevin's feelings... each was like a sip of the sweetest wine that he had ever tasted! Kevin ached to find his soulmate! And though he couldn't be sure that it was Justin, he knew that he had never connected to anyone else so deeply and quickly before. In time, he would know for sure whether Justin was the person he was searching for... The only problem was that he couldn't be sure that Justin was gay. His 'gaydar' was not as sophisticated as Brian's, but it worked nonetheless. And it wasn't even pinging when he thought of Justin. And the last thing he wanted to do was to ruin such a special friendship with a confession that might not be received too well. He'd rather face a lifetime of torture than lose something as special as Justin's friendship! He sighed again and moved over to the exercise bikes. He just had too much nervous energy to sit at the weights machine anymore. Just as he was starting to get into a good steady rhythm, his angel appeared at the entrance of the gym and looked around for him. As Kevin was alone in the gym, it didn't take long. The smile that appeared on Justin's face was heart stopping. Kevin had to swallow to get his breathing back under control. He returned a tentative smile in Justin's direction. Who was he kidding? He could feel his attraction to Justin as more real than life itself! He felt a brief panic! 'No,' he thought, 'I can only be his friend, and that will have to be enough! No matter what I think I feel for him, he probably isn't gay! I can't come out to him, at least not until I know for certain. If I scare him away, I'll lose his friendship!' That thought was enough to make him panic again. Justin walked up to him and sat down on the bike next to his. "Hi Kev," he said softly. Kevin forced himself to concentrate. He knew that if he didn't, he would either say something stupid, or do something stupid. He quickly suppressed his emotions and tortured thoughts. "Hi Justin. Is the party over already?" His voice almost came out normally. Thankfully, Justin didn't seem to pick up anything untoward. "Yeah," lied Justin. "I got back to our room and noticed you weren't there. I figured you might have gone ahead with your plans to workout, and I thought I would join you. I'm still too keyed up to fall asleep." 'Oh God,' thought Kevin. 'I can't stand too much of this. But I have to try! It would be so much worse if I lose his friendship. I can't even contemplate that! I'm just going to have to concentrate on being friends with him.' Kevin smiled warmly at Justin, not realising that Justin had started to think of these smiles as his own special smiles. They pedalled together for several minutes, in a comfortable silence, before Kevin got up the nerve to speak again. God, how he wished that he didn't have this hanging over his head! It was so difficult to talk straight when you had to hide the feelings you had for the other person, and censor every thought and word. "I hope you had fun and got to know the guys a bit better?" Kevin asked, oblivious to the events that had occurred after he had left. "Yeah, I think the guys and I got to know each other pretty well," replied Justin, blushing slightly. They settled into another long comfortable silence as each tried to bury their feelings of attraction for the other as deep as they could. Justin was also feeling relieved. He had been certain that Kevin would still be feeling hurt or maybe angry at the way he had been treated upstairs. But Kevin looked slightly upbeat. Nevertheless, it still didn't excuse everyone's behaviour. The look of sadness that he had seen in Kevin's eyes in the limo, and the way that Kevin had left A.J.'s room, was an indication of how much pain Kevin had suffered at their hands. "Kev, I know I shouldn't be saying this - it should really be the guys - but I want to apologise for the lack of respect they showed you today." Kevin blinked in surprise and then collected himself quickly. "That's okay Justin. They'll come around, I'm sure." "I hope so," Justin replied, knowing that if his 'rant' didn't change a few attitudes, nothing was likely to. He also felt guilty about his own actions upstairs... especially for the way he had acted when he was introduced to Brian. In his panic, he had tried to draw Brian's attention away from his suspicions. In doing so, he had parted from Kevin and had ignored talking to him. That was the LAST thing that he had wanted to do, but he had panicked when Brian gave him that appraising look. He knew that he should have stayed close to Kevin, regardless of what Brian might have suspected, but he had lost his focus in the panic... and now Kevin was paying for his mistake. "I also have to apologise for my own behaviour." "What?" Kevin asked in a startled voice, losing his footing on the pedals. He had to spend a few precious seconds getting his feet and the pedals back together before he could continue. "Why would you need to apologise? You did absolutely nothing wrong!" "But I did! I knew the way the guys were acting. I could also see how much it hurt you. Don't interrupt Kevin!" He waited for Kevin to close his mouth. "I'm not blind! I'm pretty good at reading expressions and seeing what's going on. You won't admit it, but I know how much they hurt you in the limo. And yet, when we went over to A.J.'s room, I just left you alone! I shouldn't have done that!" He shook his head in conviction. Kevin sighed as he stopped pedalling. Justin was making it hard for him to think clearly, but he had to help Justin get over the feelings of guilt he was experiencing... Justin had done absolutely nothing wrong upstairs! "Justin, you can't blame yourself. And you definitely mustn't feel like you need to be there for me 24/7, okay? I'm perfectly able to look after myself. I wouldn't want to impose on you in any case. You've got your own life to lead." Justin nodded his understanding, though he still felt slightly responsible for tonight's sour turn of events. He should have stayed close to Kevin, no matter what Kevin thought of the idea. Kevin could see the struggle going on inside Justin, and knew that there was only one way to convince him. "Justin, I need to apologise to you," Kevin said. "For what?" asked a bewildered Justin, his eyes locking on to Kevin's. "For my actions tonight." "I don't understand Kevin. You did nothing wrong!" Justin echoed Kevin's words and thoughts back to him. "But I did Justin," Kevin in turn echoed Justin's words. "You see, I formed a reliance on you being there for me. After what you did for me in the limo this evening, I thought I'd have a chance to fit in. When it didn't work out the same way in A.J.'s room, I..." Kevin paused, but knew he had to tell Justin, "... well, I sort of blamed you." He looked away from Justin's confused gaze, before continuing. "I had no right to blame you of course. I was just feeling down, and I thought you had deserted me. But you weren't to blame, I was!" He shook his head in self-pity. "I had come to depend on you to help me out with your bandmates - when you had absolutely no obligation to do so. Absolutely none! So please don't go thinking that you're to blame!" His voice lowered and a tear started to run down his cheek. "Please forgive me?" he whispered. "Oh Kev," Justin replied, his voice equally soft. Kevin looked up at Justin, and was startled to see tears in Justin's eyes. "What's the matter Justin?" he asked in concern, his heart clenching at the sight of his angel in distress. "Nothing, Kev. I'm just so sorry that I couldn't be there for you. I knew you were hurting, but I didn't realise it was this much!" Startled, Kevin could not respond. He just sat on the bike, still as a statue, staring at Justin in wonder. He was further surprised when Justin hopped off of his own bike and engulfed him in a hug. Kevin found his own eyes were watering copiously now. He surrendered himself into Justin's hug... End - Chapter 3 To be continued...