Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2001 21:54:13 -0400 From: BJ Gay.com_Member Subject: Lance's Search 19 Welcome to "Lance's Search," a multi-chapter exploration of a young man discovering himself. As much as I would suspect and hope otherwise, I have no actual proof of the sexual orientations of Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake or JC Chasez. Consequently anything you read in this story is the product of the mind of its author. That said, this story attempts to take a realistic look into the thoughts and feelings of a guy as he discovers the pains and the joys associated with loving his fellow man... or his fellow band mate as the case may be. As a lot of other authors do it, I'd thought I'd put in my 2-cents worth on some stories I've really enjoyed, so here goes: * Mile High Meeting (love the interaction there, but we've been waiting toooo long for the next chapter - hint, hint) * Lance and Michael (where's the follow-up story, McCall? You weren't supposed to leave us this way. Your fans are waiting! Hehehe) * Lance n JC from DCKevin, the standard for all such pairings * Nick and Justin by BrwyMilo (which happens to also feature a nice Lance coupling) I'm obviously showing my preference for stories about Lance or Nick Carter. If you have any comments, please e-mail them to bjluver@gay.com. Otherwise, enjoy the story. BJ Previously on Lance's Search... "And so this guy JC met at the airport?" Lance asked Justin. "Chris. His name is Chris," Justin replied. "He's an escort. And yes, I've been with him a few times." "Does Chris have a last name?" "I'm sure he does, but I don't know it. I doubt that Chris is his real first name. Generally these guys seem to give themselves assumed names to keep people from knowing who they really are. I never suspected for a moment that JC might be doing the same thing. Heck, I never even thought JC got into guys. Guess I've been blind or something. You ever think JC might be gay?" "Well, to tell you the truth, yes." "Get outta here. If I couldn't figure it out with my advanced gaydar, how did you?" Chapter 19 Justin's revelation that a male escort had picked up JC at the airport was a real shocker to Lance. But at the same time, the news freed Lance to talk more about that night he walked into a gay bar. "You been holding out on me, Lance?" Justin said. "Well, kinda. But I wasn't really sure what it all meant...until now, I guess." Lance's mind wandered back to that scene in the bar. He remembered all those people dancing. The loud music. That guy in drag. The guy in the booth inside the door. "What? Come on, man. Whadda know about JC?" "You remember that night I followed a guy to a gay bar without him knowing?" "Yeah. The 'Lance stalks a guy' story. Oh my God. You mean you were following JC?" Lance just silently nodded his head up and down. "Oh my God. Unbelievable. He never even saw you?" "I don't think so. I couldn't even find him in there until I was nearly out the door. Then I spotted him. He was dancing on a platform with another guy. Justin, they were grinding their crotches into each other. If they didn't both have pants on I would have thought they were really having sex with each other." "Unbelievable. And you never told me about this?" "I know. I'm sorry, but I wasn't even really sure I saw what I thought I saw. I didn't want to gossip about another member of the group. Not when I didn't have any other proof. I knew you might be mad at me, but I didn't know what else to do," Lance said with a pleading look on his face. "Man, I understand. Really. But what made you spill the beans now?" "The escort thing. It sort of made me realize it wasn't all a dream. It was JC. Now I know for sure. But I still don't know what to do with the information." "Shouldn't we just tell him we know?" "I don't know. Part of me wants to. Another part of me just wants to stay away from it. Guess I'm scared to yet." "Scared? Of what?" Lance paused. He had a scowl on his face as if he were in painful thought. "I'm not sure." Justin studied his friend. He thought he knew what worried Lance. It seemed too obvious. But he really wasn't sure whether Lance was ready to admit it to Justin, or to himself. Justin had mixed emotions. If Lance acknowledged he was smitten with JC, Justin knew his days of an active sex life would be waning. Not a happy prospect. He'd find himself back in the cycle of hiring escorts. He'd gotten rather used to having Lance around, for more than the sex. But he also knew he wasn't Mr. Right for Lance in the long run. He was just paving the way for that guy. But was JC the Mr. Right for Lance? Justin didn't know. Heck he was still trying to deal with the revelation that JC was gay. That he went to gay bars and hired escorts. He never thought JC was anything but straight. How did he miss the signs? How did JC miss them in Lance and Justin? Were they all that good at covering up their true selves? Silly question really, Justin thought. "That's our lives. We perform for crowds. We apparently can't stop performing even when it's just us." "What do you think?" Lance asked, snapping Justin out of deep thought. "Of what? Telling JC we know?" "Yeah." "Honestly, I don't know what's the right thing to do. I don't think he'll be coming to me anytime soon with a locked up computer he wants me to fix." "Very funny." "Sorry. But you have to admit, it worked." Justin paused for a moment. "James, tell me what you really think about JC." "Whadda mean?" "Well, I guess I mean what are your feelings toward him? I know you better than you might think, Lance. I've seen something in the way you look at him. The way you were so nervous at the airport when we went to pick JC up. Personally, I'd bet the farm that there's a fire deep down inside of you that burns for Joshua Chazez." "Even if that were so, you know that I'm with you now. Just think about all the sex we've had over the past few weeks. How could I go running after JC when you've been such a prince to me? You've been my teacher. My confidante. My friend." "And I will always be those, but you deserve even more." "More? What do you mean?" "I mean love." "I love you, Justin." "And I love you, Lance, but we're not 'in love.' You know it. I know it. We'll always love each other and mean a lot to each other, but I know you need more than that." Lance's eyes were getting red. The tear ducts were releasing their liquid, filling up his eye socket, although Lance was determined not to let the salty fluid trickle down his face. "How are you so sure of what I need?" "I'm sure. Why is it that in all the time we've been together we haven't even come close to fucking?" "What? Is this all about the fact that we haven't fucked yet? You're wanting to toss me aside because I haven't let your cock invade my ass?" "No! Come on, Lance. Would I have liked to fuck you or get fucked by you, hell yes. But I never made a move because I respected your feelings way to much." "Respected my feelings?" "Yeah. Remember that day we talked about ass fingering and fucking? You remember what you said?" "I said I was hesitant because of the pain." "Yes, you said that, but you also said you attached a lot of emotional importance to it. In other words, you aren't going to fuck until you've fallen in love with someone. And be honest, that someone isn't going to be me." Lance's tears exceeded his eyes' capacity to hold. He didn't know what to say. The truth of what Justin said stung. Why is it that Justin knew him so well, yet they weren't madly in love with each other? Isn't this the level of intimacy that makes marriages successful? Justin sat down next to Lance and put his arms around him. The sight of his friend crying brought tears to his eyes as well. They held each other in silence for several minutes, each lost in his own thoughts, but drawing comfort from the closeness of their bodies. "You know I'll always love you," Lance said. "And I you," Justin whispered back. "And I you, my friend... forever." To be continued...