Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 21:13:20 -0400
From: BJ Gay.com_Member <bjluver@gay.com>
Subject: Lance's Search 27

Welcome to "Lance's Search," a multi-chapter exploration of a young man
discovering himself. As much as I would suspect otherwise, I have no actual
proof of the sexual orientations of Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake or JC
Chasez. Consequently anything you read in this story is the product of the
mind of its author. That said, this story attempts to take a realistic look
into the thoughts and feelings of a guy as he discovers the pains and the
joys associated with loving his fellow man... or his fellow band mate as
the case may be.

These last two chapters were difficult writing, but hopefully they are
difficult for you to read. If you have any comments, please e-mail them to
bjluver@gay.com. Otherwise, enjoy the story.

BJ


Previously on Lance's Search...

"Fine! No problem. You don't want to sleep together or even see me naked,
that's the way it will be then. But just remember, it would you who wanted
it that way."

"It's gotta be that way, James."

An awkward silence took over. Both young men were on the verge of breaking
out in tears, but neither one wanted to show it. There was hurt on Lance's
face. Determination was on Justin's face, but below the surface, Justin was
hurting just as much.

"I'm going to my room now, seeing as you've made up your mind on this. Good
night."

"Good night, Lance."

With that, Lance ran out the door of Justin's room, allowing the door to
close loudly. From inside Justin's room, it sounded like a tomb door being
shut. Justin collapsed on the bed and started to cry. It was the hardest
thing he had ever done. But he knew it was the right thing. So why did he
feel so lousy about it?


Chapter 27

Lance was in shock. Not perhaps physically, but certainly emotionally. He
held it together while in the hotel hallway. He mechanically slipped the
pass key into the door of his room. Red light. Again Lance put the card
into the reader. Red light again. "Damn it!" he said angrily, but not loud
enough for anyone else to hear.

Lance took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Get a grip on yourself,
Bass." He reopened his eyes. Stuck the card into the door
again. ... Another red light. "Damn it all to hell!" he shouted loudly as
he kicked the bottom of the door twice with all his might. "Damn it!"

The noise attracted some attention. First the door to Chris' room opened
followed by Joey's and JC's. Heads popped out from each of the doorways.

"Lance, man, was that you?" Chris said, rather dumbfounded.

The other doors opened had snapped Lance back to reality. He turned to face
Chris and calmly said, "I can't get my door to open for some reason. That's
all."

"OK, man." Chris walked out into the hallway, staring at Lance cautiously,
as if he were looking at a bomb that might go off with the slightest
encouragement. "Let me see if I can get it. I tend to have a lot of the
same problems."

Chris slid the card into the lock. Green light. "There you go guy."

"Thanks, Chris. I'm sorry if I woke you up or anything."

"Don't worry about it, Scoop. We'll see you in the morning."

"Night, Chris."

Chris headed back to his room. He glanced at Joey and JC, whose heads were
still poking out from their respective doorways. Chris shrugged his
shoulders at them and went back into his room. The other two retreated to
their rooms.

Lance made it into his room and shut the door behind him. His back leaned
up again the door and suddenly his legs seemed to give way. Lance wasn't
crying. He wasn't cursing. He just stared forward, with Justin's words
repeating over and over in his head.

"Why is he doing this to me? I don't understand. I'm not ready to confront
JC. I can't. I just can't yet."

A determined look replaced the blank stare on his face. "Well, if that's
the way he wants it, so be it. Just wait until he's so horny and let him
beg me for some sex. No way, Justin. Not now. You'll have to beat your own
meat... just... like... me."

Now the tears replaced the anger. He had felt alone before, but not like
this. Before he came out to Justin, Lance would often feel like the odd man
out, not being all that interested in girls. That had given him a sense of
loneliness. But the pain now was deeper because of what he knew now - what
he had experienced since then. He and Justin had shared a bed for almost
every night for many weeks. Lance liked the feeling of sleeping next to
another man, with his arm around him or the other way around. The tears
continued to flow.

At some point during that long night, or at least what seemed like a long
night, Lance got up off the floor and lay down on the bed. He didn't remove
his clothes. He didn't get under the covers. But at least he did fall
asleep. The next thing he knew, the telephone rang. "Hello?"

"Are you planning to get up today?" Joey shouted into the telephone.

"I'm up. I'm up," Lance groaned back into the receiver, although the sound
was partially muffled with half of Lance's face deeply planted in a pillow.

"It doesn't really sound like it. Come on, dude, we've got a busy day in
store for us. You still there?"

"Yeah, yeah. Busy day. I'm here."

"Do I have to come down to your room and pull you out of bed?"

"Good luck getting the door open. God knows I needed luck to open it."

"Yeah, so we saw and heard. But that was last night and this is today."

"What time is it?"

"Almost 10:30."

"And what do we have to do today?"

"We've got a sound check at 4 p.m. Don't you remember? You're usually the
man with the plan here."

"Not when I'm half-asleep. What's the plan for eating?"

"Well, lazy, you missed breakfast already, although there might be
something left over from the rest of us. We figured we'd go out and grab
some lunch about 12:30. You gonna be up by then?"

"I think I can make it if you hang up."

"Slam. Looks like you're waking up now. Hey, when you're ready, come on
down to my room if you feel like talking or anything."

"Sure. See you later, Joey."

As Lance hung up the phone, his mind put on the brakes. "If I feel like
talking? What was that about?" He guessed the little show he put on last
night when he couldn't open the hotel room door got tongues wagging among
the guys. "Wonder if Justin was involved in that conversation. Probably."

The thought of Justin brought back the pain and sadness of the previous
night. The feeling of total rejection. "I cannot let this get to me. I
cannot let the group down. I have got to be strong."

Lance found getting out of bed more difficult that usual, but he finally
convinced himself to move his body. The urge to empty his bladder helped
the cause even more. It was a long shower today. Practically every last
drop of hot water had drained out before Lance turned the faucet off. He
moved slowly. Put on the first set of clothes he could find. He found the
TV remote again. Same boring channels as before. But he kept flipping
through, as if some miraculous find was out there waiting for him.

Lance made it to lunch with the rest of the guys. He stayed as far away as
possible from Justin. He avoided eye contact at all costs. No words were
exchanged. The other band members could sense a bad vibe, but none of them
mentioned it in front of Lance or Justin. But they all knew. Joey was going
to speak with Lance while JC was going to see if he could get Justin to
spill the beans. Chris would be on call for either one needing help, and in
the meantime he was going to take care of some of the details normally
handled by all five of them before a concert.

As the group broke up from lunch, Joey approached Lance. "Hey, Scoop. We've
got a couple of hours until sound check. I need to hit a mall real quick, I
could use some company."

"Company or some backup?"

Joey laughed. "Probably a little of both, my friend, a little of both."

"Yeah, let's get going."

"Cool."

They grabbed a taxi for the trip to the mall. The air was filled with small
talk and a strange odor coming from the front seat. Joey and Lance made
faces at each other in an attempt to make fun of their situation.

The mall was crowded, but no one seemed to recognize them so far. After
checking out a few stores, Joey declared he was thirsty and needed a Coke
bad. They decided to skip the food court area in favor of a small café
in the mall. The crowd there was light and the two were able to get a table
in a relatively remote part of the restaurant.

Once served, Joey popped the question. "So, Lance, what gives with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Last night."

"I don't know what you're asking about."

"Lance, I've known you for a few years now. In all our travels together
I've never heard you curse anyone, let alone a door. That's not you."

"So, I was angry. I couldn't get my door open. It happens. I'm not the
saint the PR people all want to make me out to be, you know."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm not talking about Lance Bass the bass singer for
NSYNC. I'm talking about James Lance Bass, my friend.  And he doesn't lose
his temper like that unless there's something really bugging him deep
down."

"Look, Joey, I appreciate your concern, but really, it's nothing to be
concerned about. I got in my room with Chris' help. End of story."

"End of story?"

"Yes."

"Then what was with the silent treatment with Justin today? Yeah, I noticed
it. We all noticed it. Something's wrong here. And we all want to help, if
we can. So... can we help?"

To be continued...