**************************************************      Disclaimer      **************************************************

The following story contains homosexual activities and is not suitable for younger viewers.  You must be at least 18 years of age.  I in know way know the true sexuality of any of the members of Backstreet Boys.   This story is strictly fictional.



Light In The Ashes
Chapter 1


As he took my chin into his hand, he raised my head close to his and looked me in the eye.

"There's something I want to say." he said with a serious face.

My thoughts went into overload, and I couldn't help but wonder if this time, he was really going to ask me to marry him.  I've been with James for 2 years now, and I've been waiting.  I would have asked him, but he's not like that.  He plays more of a masculine role in our relationship, and I knew that he wouldn't have liked it if I had asked him.  I knew it was only a matter of time before he would ask me.  Could this be it?  My heart was pounding, and I could already feel the tears preparing themselves for their untimely departure from their ducts.  I managed to mutter out a, "What?"

"I..I'm seeing someone else." he said without emotion.

Talk about blind-sided!  The tears came out alright, in fact, they wouldn't stop.

"Excuse me?!" I managed to ask.

"I know this is hard Rick.  It's been 2 years.  But I can't do this anymore.  I can't lie to you anymore." he said trying to sound sincere.

"You bastard!" I screamed, "You can't lie to me anymore?!  How long has this been going on?!  Isn't it a bit late for that?!  To stop lying to me?!"

I managed to push him through all this yelling and screaming, although that was completely pointless.  He was no doubt twice my size.  It was all muscle.  But I didn't care.

"Whoa!  Calm down Rick.  It's not lik...." he began to say as I cut him off.

"Calm down?!  How DARE you!  How can you say you love me, then treat me like this?  I can't believe this."   I started walking frantically around the house picking up things that belonged to him and began throwing them into a pile on the couch.

"Rick.  I do love you.  It's not that.  I just can't be with you.  Listen...I've found someone else.   Someone whom I'm happy with.  I know that now isn't a good time, but...I've decided to get married.  You'll always have a special place in my heart Rick.   Always." he said as if I was his best friend, and not his now ex-lover of 2 years.

"Married?" I looked at him as if he had just shot me.  "Married??!  I've waited a fucking year.  A fucking YEAR for you to ask me to marry you.  And now you tell me you want to marry this guy?"

I had now started throwing things at him, instead of at the pile on the couch.

"Get out!" I screamed.  "And god help you if you ever come back here!"

He didn't say another word.  He knew well enough, that when I was mad, it wasn't the best time for peace offerings.  In fact, I'm not sure if I'd ever want to see him again, let alone forgive him.

As he left, I heard him say "I love you." but I replied with "Yeah right.".  He closed the door, and I just broke down.  I walked around the house half aware of what I was doing, just grabbing anything that looked like his, and throwing it on the floor.  This went on for a while, before I headed to the kitchen.  I was about to pour myself a glass of wine when I remembered something.

"Here.  This is for you."

"For me?  Thank you.  You didn't have to.  I have lot's of wine."

"I know.  But this one's special."


"Because it symbolizes the first night I'm going to tell you I love you."

We kissed.

I shuddered myself back into reality, and started to pour the bottle of wine down the drain instead of into my glass.  I began to gag, and I could feel my stomach tighten.  I ran to the bathroom and threw up.   I don't know why.  As soon as I did this, I felt like a big huge part of me had gone down the toilet as well.  In reality, it did.  I got up and headed upstairs to my bedroom.  Once inside, I realized that I wouldn't be able to do this, and went into the spare room instead.  I laid down, and cried myself to sleep.

**The Next Day*

I awoke to find my pillow soaking wet.  I stood up and looked around.  I had almost completely forgotten what had happened yesterday, until I noticed that I was in the spare bedroom.  I quickly ran out and down the stairs into the living room, where I found that everything I had piled on to the couch, was gone.

"James?!" I yelled, as if expecting a response.  "James?!  JAMES!!" I began to scream now.  I realized that this wouldn't take me anywhere, and fell to the floor and began to cry again.   If this is how I'm going to spend my future days, then I don't want to live.   That's all I could think.  Why?  Why did this have to happen?  Was I not faithful?  Did I not satisfy him?  Was I ugly?  Overweight?  I couldn't think of any logical reason for this to have happened.  In fact, there were no clue what-so-ever that I could find, that any of this was happening at all.  When and where did he meet this other person?  James and I spent a lot of time together.   We were practically inseparable.  I don't see where he had the time to do this.  To get so serious with someone, that he'd want to marr....I began to cry again.  Marry them.  Why not me?  I deserved it.  I spent 2 years of my life with James.  I deserved his undying love.  Everything I had given to him, all the emotions I had spent on him, and all of the love that I had promised to him.   I should have been the one he was marrying.  I got up and wiped my eyes.

"Ok.  Today is a new day." I said to myself out loud.  "I start a new life.  Alone.  I have to be strong.  If I'm not, then everything will just wither away.  I can't bare to lose anything else."

On that note, I picked up the phone and called my best friend.  She only lived a few doors down from me.

"Hello?" her voice asked.

I said nothing.

"Hello?" she asked again, as if becoming irritated.  "Look.  This isn't funny!" she began to yell.

"Heather.." I managed to get out before bursting into tears again.

"Rick?  Is this you?  Are you ok?" she asked with a worried tone.

"No..I'm not ok.." I said not even realizing that I had just promised myself that I would be strong.

"I'm coming over.  Unlock the door." she said as she hung up.

I don't know if that's what I wanted her to do, but I obeyed and unlocked the front door as she had asked.

A few moments later, Heather walked in the front door and ran up to me with the most worried look I'd ever seen.

"What's wrong Rick?  You look like shit!" Leave it to her to brighten up a person's day.

"He's gone..." I said in between my sobbing.

She embraced me with a long hug and asked who I was referring to.

"James.  He left me." I said.

"Oh my god!  Why?!" she sounded like she was getting angry.

"He...he found someone else.  He's planning on getting married." I said just before I broke down yet again.

"What?!  THAT BASTARD!" she screamed.  She knew how much I was looking forward to James asking me to marry him.   It was obvious she wasn't going to let him get away with this.

"I know." was the only thing I could say.

"OOOoo is he ever gonna hear it from me.   That asshole!  I can't believe he did that!" she screamed some more, then noticed that she was only making more upset and continued to comfort me with hugs.   "I'm sorry hon.  I'm sorry this happened."

"I am too." I said, "But I need to stop thinking about it.  I still have a life.  It may not be much of a life, but I still have one." I wasn't even convincing myself of this.

We continued to talk a bit, and she suggested I get dressed so I could stay at her house for a few days.  I agreed, and decided to call a locksmith before we left.  I didn't want James coming back.  Ever.


There you have it.  The first Chapter.  I hope you guys find it as emotional as it was for me to write.  No, it's not something that happened to me, but I have been in a somewhat similar situation.  So it wasn't easy to write about something that was half true.  I'd be glad to see some thought's/ideas/comments/suggestions/and even tasteful criticism if you have the time.   I'm available via: gussie@neoncrayon.com