Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 16:15:26 -0400 From: Rachel Subject: Little Earthquakes 7 and 8 Hello to all who care to read this little tale of love. This is the second to last posting of this story, so for all who have gotten attached to it. Sorry...it's all over. Disclaimer: so you like to demise with your pen. i was the same back when then and now, i wanna change but don't know how do's and don'ts- don'ts i don't like she's not tina and i'm not ike but what was ike like is ike what you write i don't know i don't know Chapter Seven I held Gram's hand in mine. She watched me closely. It was moments like this that I hated the most. I needed her right now more then I have needed her in ages. And she wasn't even able to recognize that I was her grandson. So I did what I have done a lot recently. I held her hand and thought quietly while she watched me. Playing softly in the background was Frank Sinatra, Gram's favorite singer. I don't know if she knew who he was right now, but it relaxed her. And it relaxed me a bit too. AJ was downstairs with Maggie and Ryan. Kevin had dropped him off an hour or so ago. I didn't even come downstairs. I just hid out in Gram's room. "Rob?" I turned towards the voice in the doorway. Kari was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. "Hi Kari. Why are you here?" "AJ called me. He's worried about you. So you want to talk about it or not?" Gram reached her other hand out towards Kari, her index finger extended as she pointed at her. "Bethany. I don't like your hair." Kari and I had gone on a mission about 6 months ago to find out who Mikey and Bethany were, but we hadn't been able to find any people in Gram's past by those names. She seemed to know them though. When she thought we were Mikey and Bethany, she would hold long conversations with us about stuff that they had done together. "I decided to try something new Gram. I'll probably change it again tomorrow." Kari said. Her hair was pulled back into a French twist. "It looks better when it's down." Gram said. "Don't you think so Mikey?" Her blue eyes turned back to me. "I like her hair down too." "Mikey, go talk to Bethany. She'll help you figure out your feelings for Greg." Gram's eyes twinkled slightly as she smiled at me. Her hand slipped out of mine and she raised it to shoo me off. "Leave me alone with Frank, Mikey. Go talk. I'll be here when you get finished." I stared at my Gram for a moment and smiled at her. She may have the names wrong, but she seemed to understand why I was upset. I kissed her softly and left the room with Kari. We wandered down the hall to my bedroom. "Rob, will you talk to me please? I know that I'm not Abby, but I am here to listen to you. I'll even try to help if I can." I smiled weakly. "I think that's what I miss the most about Abby being gone. Just having her here to talk to." Kari hugged me tightly. "Abby's still around. She can still listen to you." I shrugged. "AJ's worried about me?" Kari nodded. "He told me that he tried to talk to you about why you and Kevin aren't together. I guess he got a little too close to the past." "Yeah." I nodded. "I don't want to talk about it with him Kari." "Have you talked to Kevin about it?" I shook my head. "If I was dating him, I might have told him. We're just friends. He doesn't need to know what happened." Kari was quiet. I looked over at my cousin. She had a strange expression on her face. "Why aren't you dating Kevin?" I threw up my hands in disgust. "Not you too!" I flopped backwards onto my bed with a groan. "Okay, okay. Never mind. I won't ask." Kari laid back with me and stared at the ceiling. "That water mark kind of looks like Gramps." She pointed to the stain on the ceiling. I began to laugh and looked over at my cousin. "It does not look like Gramps. The crack in the downstairs bathroom next to the sink looks like Gramps. That looks like Paul Simon." Kari began to laugh as well. She rolled over and perched herself on her elbows so she could look at me. "How come we grew up Robby?" I shrugged. "Well I know why you did old woman." Kari swatted me lightly. "I'm not that much older then you remember." "Hey 33 is a lot older then 29." "So why did I grow up smart ass?" I looked around the room and leaned in to whisper to her. "Shannon." Kari began to chuckle. "Are you implying that Shannon arriving in the world when I was 18 had something to do with me growing up?" I shook my head. "Hell no. You didn't grow up until she turned 13." Kari shuddered. "Don't remind me about that. I'm still trying to recover from the experience of Shannon entering her teen years." "And just think, Craig is 12. It's almost time to do it all over again." Kari groaned and looked up at the ceiling. "Tell him Gramps. Tell him that he'll get to experience it himself soon enough." "Nope. Maggie and Ryan will be perfect angels." "Now who's deluding themselves?" I looked at the wall. "A little delusion can be a good thing sometimes." I turned back to her and smiled. "It'll be interesting that's for sure." "Do you think it would really hurt things to tell Kevin about Lucas?" My smile died immediately when she brought Lucas up. I stared at the ceiling some more so I could collect my thoughts. "Kari, I've tried so hard to forget about Lucas and our life together. This is my life now. I don't want to dwell on the past." She reached over and squeezed my hand. "It'll be a year on Thursday won't it?" I nodded and bit my lip to keep from crying. "A year ago we were all so happy Kari. Abby was pregnant with Ryan. Michael had just gotten the new job. Gram was doing so well. You and Marcus just bought the new house. Shannon and Craig were both doing great in school. And Lucas and I were so happy. At least I thought we were. Why did everything have to go away?" Kari knew what I was really asking. I could never bring myself to actually ask why Lucas went away, but that was always the real question. And as always she answered the unspoken question. "Lucas left because he was stupid. He had a great husband, a great family, a great job and he gave it all up for a stupid fling with some guy who he probably doesn't even remember the name of. You have to stop beating yourself up over him. He's the asshole remember." Kari squeezed my hand again, making me look at her. "Remember?" She asked again. I nodded slowly. "Lucas is the asshole." I whispered, not totally believing what I was saying. "Seven years, Kari" I said softly. She squeezed me hand. "I spent seven years of my life with him." "I know sweetie." "He did love me, Kari. No matter what any of you think, Lucas did love me. At least at some point he did." Kari brushed away the tear that escaped from my eye. "Robby, none of us doubted that Lucas loved you. We're just mad at him for all the pain he caused you when he left." "Gram still blames herself for it." "Still?" I nodded. "She still thinks that if she hadn't had the stroke and needed to live with someone, I would still be married." "That's bullshit." Kari's voice was soft as she spoke. "Lucas had many reasons for leaving. Gram was not one of them. She wasn't a problem for him." I nodded. "Gram stayed out of his way as much as possible." "I've said it before and I'll probably say it again. At least all he took was the cat and his car." I began to laugh. "He took the two things he loved. That stupid cat that always made me sneeze and that stupid car." Kari giggled with me. "I guess it's a good thing that it's only your name on the mortgage." I shook my head. "Lucas' name was on it as well. When we got divorced he asked that his name be taken off. Gram's name is on it as well now." "Really? I didn't know that." I nodded. "So the house is technically mine and Gram's. I don't think she knows it anymore though." "The minivan's yours right?" I shuddered. "Ugghh...it's all mine. Unfortunately." Kari laughed. "I'll never forget your face when you drove it home. You looked like someone had just stolen your favorite toy." "They did. I loved that Explorer." There was a soft knock on the doorframe. Both Kari and I sat up quickly. Kevin was standing at the door watching us. "I'm sorry to interrupt." Kari jumped up. "Don't worry about it Kevin. I'm going to go check on Gram." I watched as my cousin practically sprinted out of the room. I flopped back onto the bed and turned my head to look at Kevin. "Are you just going to stand in the doorway all night or are you coming into the room?" Kevin flashed me a smile and walked over to my bed. "Can I sit?" I nodded. Kevin grinned wickedly. "Thanks." With that, he jumped on the bed. He planted his feet on either side of me and began to jump up and down. I couldn't help myself as I watched him jump up and down and shake the bed. I began to laugh happily. I reached up and pulled him down. "Good. I like it better when you're smiling." Kevin sat down Indian-style next to me. "What are you doing back?" I sat up to look at him. "Dinner plans changed and I wanted to tell you about it." I frowned. "That stinks. Maggie was looking forward to it." "Oh Maggie and Ryan are still going to dinner at my house. They're having dinner with Kristen, Lexie, AJ, and Amanda. Kari's going to stay here with Gram. You and I are going somewhere else." I sighed and stood up. "What are you doing Kevin?" He managed to flash me a very innocent look. "I'm taking a friend out for a relaxing night with no kids, no grandmother, and no annoying friends. Can't I do that for you?" Then he went and did it. Kevin pouted. I ran my hands through my hair and looked at that puppy dog face he was giving me. "Okay. Let's go." Chapter Eight "Where exactly are you taking me Kevin?" I asked, watching the road as he drove along. I couldn't figure out where he was headed. "It's a surprise, but you'll have fun. I promise." He flashed me a grin before looking back at the road. "Who are we listening to Kevin?" Kevin shook his head. "His name's Elliot Smith. I'm not surprised that you don't recognize him. He didn't record in the 60's or 70's." "Are you knocking my musical tastes again?" "Hmmm....yes. I do believe I am knocking your musical tastes again." "Bitch." "Dem's fightin' words Robby." I smiled as I looked out the window. I knew he couldn't see me. "Whatever AJ." "Oh ouch. That hurts Robby." Kevin said with a plaintive tone to his voice. "Comparing me to that purple-haired, monkey-lovin' freak." "And just think. That purple-haired, monkey-lovin' freak is your best friend. What does that say about you?" Kevin opened him mouth and then shut it again. "Damn." He shook his head slowly. "I need help." "I've been saying that since I met you. Of course after meeting AJ, I know why you need help." Kevin began to laugh. "Just remember. That freak is watchin' your kids so we can have a fun night out here." I looked up as the car stopped. "Miniature golf?" Kevin nodded. "Yup. We are going to go miniature golfing. And then we're heading to Disney to watch the fireworks show tonight." "I was promised food at some point tonight too you know." Kevin opened up the car door. He paused before getting out. "And I promise I will feed you tonight." I opened my door and got out. "Good. I would hate to have to turn cannibal and eat Kevin Richardson. I know a few people who might be upset about that." "Me especially." Kevin said with a grin. Kevin was totally serious about us going miniature golfing. I haven't been miniature golfing in years. I think the last time I went, I had taken Shannon and a couple of her friends. That had to be about five years ago. Kevin paid for both of us to play the TV show course. "Come on. Grab a club. This is the greatest course to play here." I grabbed a club and followed him to the first hole. "Here Robby. You can use the pink ball." He grinned as he dropped the hot pink golf ball in my hand. "Gee thanks. Just for that I get to go first." Kevin gestured for me to go ahead. "I'll just stand behind you and stare at your ass." I turned to look at him. "It costs good money to stare at this ass." Kevin held his hands up. "I paid for the game didn't I?" "Quiet you. I want to concentrate." I stared at the first hole. It was a easy shot right through Mary Tyler Moore's legs. I made a quick hole in one and moved aside so Kevin could go. Sticking his tongue out, Kevin concentrated on his shot. He waggled his ass around and turned to look at me. He winked and turned back. Thud! I bent over laughing as Kevin's golf ball bounced off Mary Tyler Moore's leg and landed in the pond next to the McHale's Navy hole. Looking around quickly, Kevin put his hands behind his back and strolled over to the pond, whistling to himself. He looked around again and bent down to fish the ball out. He grabbed it and walked back over to the 1st hole. "That was a practice shot." Kevin said putting his golf ball back on the green. "Sure it was." I said still laughing at him. This time Kevin managed to hit the ball through her legs and somewhat close to the cup. We had finished about 5 of the 18 holes before Kevin decided to stop joking around and got serious. His golf game improved incredibly once he realized that I was actually having fun. He didn't have to amuse me by acting like an idiot. Though that was very amusing. "You did take off time for the wedding right Robby?" I stopped what I was doing and looked back at him. "Yeah I took off the 15th thru the 20th. Gram is going to stay at Kari and Marcus' house. Maggie's totally jazzed about it." I couldn't help my tone of voice. I didn't want to be bitter about him getting married but there was just something so wrong about it. I didn't want to be a part of it. "Did I ever tell you what really happened Robby?" Kevin asked moving closer to me so we could talk to each other. "Just that you were caught with another man and forced into this marriage." Kevin bent over and placed his golf ball on the green. "I'd been seeing this guy for about three months. It wasn't really anything serious. Mainly it was just about sex and a friendship. He's in the music business as well, so we could relate to each other's lives. The guys didn't know about it. His band didn't know about it. Then last September we were caught at the MTV Video Music Awards kissing each other." He paused to hit the ball. Straightening up, he motioned for me to follow so he could continue talking. "The record label found out. The management company found out. The two bands found out. And hell broke loose. Instead of arguing, I let them set up the marriage for me. It let him off the hook." Kevin shot his golf ball into the cup and picked it up. "Who was it Kevin?" Kevin looked around before answering. "Justin Timberlake." I began to laugh. "He's a baby Kevin." "Hey, he was willing. I was willing. It was just a way for both of us to relieve stress and get away from our respective bands." Kevin's voice was indignant. I placed my hand on Kevin's shoulder. "How come Justin's not getting married too?" Kevin sighed. "Justin's bi, so they can always fix him up with a girl for real. Plus he's a heartthrob. I'm not. So it was just easier for me to be the one who got married." "Did you still see Justin after that?" Kevin shook his head. "It was kind of mutual. Mostly it was because neither of our groups would deal with it. The animosity between the Backstreet Boys and 'Nsync is real. Justin and I are the only ones who can stand each other." "Well that's good since you were sleeping with him." Kevin smacked me lightly for that one. Both of us were smiling though. My stomach growled loudly. Kevin began to laugh. "I guess we need to feed that monster soon." I nodded. "Yup, the cannibal idea is starting to appeal to it." "Well we'll finish this up and then I'll feed you. I promise." "Agreed." The two of us flew through the rest of the course. I still managed to win even though Kevin did prove to be a better golfer then me. He had just goofed off too long to catch up. "Can I have two hot dogs with everything on 'em?" Kevin asked the guy behind the counter. "Anything to drink sir?" The bored cashier asked. "Two Cokes." "That'll be $5.23." Kevin handed the guy the money and turned to look at me. I was smiling despite my hunger. There was just something really cute about the way Kevin was acting. Our food was up a moment later. Kevin grabbed the tray and we headed to one of the picnic tables next to the miniature golf courses. We ate in silence for the most part. An occasional burp from one of us would break the silence and start the laughing off. "Look Rob, before we head over to Disney, can I talk to you about something?" I nodded slowly, unsure of what I was getting myself into. I drank my soda and waited for Kevin to speak. "I don't know where to start." He finally said. "I want to say so many things to you." "Just say what you're feeling." My voice was soft, almost strained. I wanted to know what he was feeling about me, but I was scared that it wasn't going to be something I wanted to hear. "I talked to AJ this afternoon while he was at the park with Maggie. I know he told you how I felt." I nodded, looking away from Kevin. "He was telling the truth." I kept looking away as I tried to register what that meant. "I love you Rob." His voice was almost a whisper at this point. The fear that someone might hear what he was saying seemed to be strengthening. I didn't want to do this here. I needed to get away from this place. "Can we go some place where we can be alone?" Kevin nodded. "I think that's a good idea." He stood up and reached for our trash. "We'll go to Howie's house. No one is going to be there." Kevin said as we climbed into the car. "Okay." We didn't say anything as we drove to Howie's. The music playing in the background was Tori Amos. Even I had heard her before. Abby had loved her. Kevin must have had 'Little Earthquakes' in his CD changer. It was playing 'Winter' when he turned the car on. Snow can wait I forgot my mittens. Wipe my nose, get my new boots on. I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter. I put my hand in my father's glove. I run off where the drifts get deeper. Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown. I hear a voice, "You must learn to stand up for yourself 'cause I can't always be around." He says, when you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you as much as I do? When you gonna make up your mind? 'Cause things are gonna change so fast. All the white horses are still in bed. I tell you that I'll always want you near. You say that things change. my dear. Boys get discovered as winter melts. Flowers competing for the sun. Years go by and I'm here still waiting, Withering where some snowman was. Mirror, mirror where's the crystal palace? But I only can see myself. Skating around the truth who I am, But I know, dad, the ice is getting thin. When you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you as much as I do? When you gonna make up your mind? 'Cause things are gonna change so fast. All the white horses are still in bed. I tell you that I'll always want you near. You say that things change. my dear. Hair is gray and the fires are burning. So many dreams on the shelf. You say, I wanted you to be proud of me. I always wanted that myself. When you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you as much as I do? When you gonna make up your mind? 'Cause things are gonna change so fast. All the white horses have gone ahead. I tell you that I'll always want you near. You say that things change. my dear. Never change, all the white horses aha, mmm... The song ended and the CD changed. I wiped my eyes and looked out the window at the impending night. The sky was that beautiful purple- blue color tinged with shades of pink. Elton John was singing 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.' Kevin was concentrating on the road. Did I really love him? I know the way I felt around him reminded me of being in love, but was it really love? Or was it some facsimile of love diluted so I couldn't recognize it for what it was? I could almost feel Lucas laughing at me as I thought about this. His final words about love still echoed in my mind. 'Love is only there to protect you from the truth.' The truth was that I loved him. Whenever Kevin was around I felt happier, safer. He made me smile just by calling to say hi. He made me smile when he smiled. I had to tell him the truth about my past before I could love him fully. I had to. --hope you liked it! Sorry if I haven't emailed you back lately. I apologize big time. I'm not even going to beg for mail this time because I've been so bad lately. I don't deserve email. But you can IM me at zillah37 or ICQ me at 64317074...