I'm lost, I'm lost without you baby, The days aren't the same the nights are cold and gray, I need you in my life, If not now then someday... --- Vanessa Williams

Lost Without You
Chapter -- 22
by JT Poole and Nicole Brown

Early Friday Morning -- Memphis, TN -- Behind the House of Blues


This is getting out of hand and at the rate things are going now, we're going to be in this spot the rest of the fucking night.  It's already after midnight and we should've been gone already.  Lance and Justin are the stupidest men I've ever laid eyes on it seems.  They must have a fucking death wish or something since they keep egging Brian on in his maddened state.  When Trey, JC and AJ broke up the fight, I thought this shit was over, but I was wrong.  Lance and Justin are a gluten for punishment since they don't know how to shut the fuck up.  I just know this is going to end terribly since they're on tour together.  Please God please stop the madness.

Finally getting Brian away from Lance and Justin, we walked back towards the buses so that I could go check on Chad and make sure he's okay in his bunk.  Hearing someone screaming a bit down the alley and the distracting sound of my radio beeping for attention, I sighed and wondered was the night going to get any better.  Looking at Brian, I pulled the device out of my pocket so I can talk to whoever it was that requested attention.

"This is JT, speak to me," I said into the radio.

~ JT!  JT...JT come in!  JT please!  This is Kess!  We need you on Diamonds' bus. ~

"Kessa what's wrong?  Are you okay?"  I ask as she sounded very strange and I could faintly hear someone beating on something.  "Kessa come back."

~ JT get your ass down her pronto and bring Josh with you! ~

"Bring Josh?  What's going on Kessa?"  I ask into the radio as all I got was static.  "Do you see Josh anywhere?"

"He's still back there helping Lance and Justin," Brian says as I start walking down to the girls' bus as Brian ran over to Josh and grabbed him.

"What's going on JT?"  Josh asks walking up to me, sounding pissed with me, hell he probably was considering his best friend just got beat down by my man.  "What is it that you want?"

"Come on, Kessa called me and told me to get to their bus pronto and to bring you with me," I tell him turning around.  "Brian, baby could you please go check on Chad for me?"

"Sure baby, I'll go check on him.  Call me if you need me," he says as I lean in to kiss him as Josh starts clearing his throat.  "Mind your business pretty boy.  This doesn't concern you."

"Behave Brian, we don't need no more drama tonight," I tell him as he kisses me again and glares at JC.

Diamonds' Tour Bus

Nikki's POV

"Kess, please stop!" I begged, grabbing her arm and turning her to face me. "I-I know how this looks, but he didn't mean to hurt me! It was an accident!"

"Didn't mean... didn't mean to hurt you?" Kess asked, looking at me incredulously. "Girl, look at your face! You wanna explain how two black eyes is a freakin' accident? I suppose you just walked into his fists huh?"

"It was a misunderstanding Kessa," I explained, tears falling now as I pulled her away from the front of the bus. "Nicky apologized, so please don't tell JT about this. I can cover it up with makeup until it goes away."

"Nikki, do you even hear yourself?" Tayla asked, taking my hand in her own. "You know you can't let him get away with this. We have to tell JT at the very least, and we really need to report his ass to the police..."

"NO! No police!" I cried, snatching my hand away from her. "Everything's okay now you guys. He didn't really hurt me..."

"Nikki, it ain't okay to let this muthafucka pound on you!"  Tayla snapped furiously, hugging me as Danielle came out of the back bedroom holding something in her hands. "You are not his personal punching bag and you didn't deserve to get treated like that!"

"Ummmmm... Nikki, why are your panties all ripped up like this?" Danielle asked, holding the shredded pair of underwear up for everybody to see. "Did he do this?"

Kess took one look at the state my panties were in and then ran for the bathroom with her walkie-talkie in her hand. I could hear her in there calling for somebody to get to our bus, and I went from upset to frantic. Nick was at the door of the bathroom banging on it and trying to explain what had happened, but Kess told him to fuck off and leave her alone.

"It's not what it looks like ya'll," I stated, desperate to prevent this from escalating any further. "He just... he got a little rough is all... but I'm fine now and he didn't really hurt me."

"That son of a bitch raped you Nicole!" Kess shouted, coming back into the room where we all sat. "How the fuck can you take up for him?!"

"I'm not taking up for him!" I screamed, wiping my eyes with the tissue Danielle handed me, and then sitting down. "And he didn't rape me Kessa! He saw me and Josh kissing outside of the House of Blues® and he just... he got angry and he... he didn't want to hurt me but I told him I didn't love him... and he hit me... and it wasn't his fault! It was me... I never should have said that to him... I know how much he loves me... and I just shouldn't... I didn't want... God, what's wrong with me?"

I was desperate to make them understand what had happened just because I didn't want anything to happen to Nick because of me. He made a move to come to me and hold me, but the pissed looks Kess, Tayla and Danielle were throwing stopped him in his tracks.

"Don't even think about it you low life son of a bitch!" Kess hissed venomously, blocking him from touching me. "You put your hands on her again, and so help me I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and feed them to you!"

"I just wanna make sure she's ok," Nick stated, looking between Kess to Tayla like he could beat the shit out of both of them. "Get the fuck outta my way!"

"Try it and die asshole!" Tayla stated, staring him down. "You touch me and I'll whoop yo ass like a man."

"Yeah well, it's not like you don't already act like one," Nick stated, rolling his eyes at Tayla.

"Oh no the fuck you didn't just say that shit!" Tayla snapped, lunging for Nick but being restrained by the combined efforts of Danielle and Kess.

"Nick, just shut the fuck up before I call JT back and tell him what you did," Kess threatened. "He's already on his way over here with JC, so you need to get the fuck gone!"

"He... he's... oh shit!" Nick stammered, grabbing his things and running for the front of the bus, stopping to look at my battered face one more time before disappearing into the freezing Memphis night right before JT and Josh appear at the front of the bus.

"Nick, wait!" I called out, but it was too late. He was gone and now I had a whole new set of problems to deal with.

"What the hell?" JT asked as he righted himself and looked at Kess in confusion. "Kess, what's the big rush and why was Nick running out of here like a bat out of hell?"

"Look at her face!" Kess replied, pointing at me. JT's eyes widened before narrowing as he took in my battered face. "That son of a bitch beat the shit out of her and... he... JT I think he raped her."

"He did not rape me!" I shouted, facing Kess. "I—I told you what happened was an accident! He was upset because of Josh and he... he hit me a few times, but he did not rape me!"

"Well then explain to us why your panties were ripped up like this!" Kess shouted, holding up the offending garment. "What the hell happened, Nicole?"

"I told you what happened!" I yelled, my temper snapping under the constant badgering. "You want me to say that he raped me? Well fine then Kessa! Nick brought me back to our bus because he wanted to find out what happened between me and Josh in the alley tonight. When I didn't give him the answers he wanted, he beat the shit out of me and he forced himself on me just to prove that he owns me!"

I moved in on her, my eyes dark and angry. "Is that what you wanted to hear Kessa? That the man I—I loved treated me like nothing more than some whore off the street and then used my body like it belongs to him?" When she didn't reply, I went ballistic. "Answer me damn you! Is that what you wanted to hear? Do you want me to say that sometime during that nightmare, I got turned on and forgot to be angry and afraid of him? Is that what you want to hear? Because if it isn't, I can tell you whatever you want to know!"

"Nikki, that's enough," JC said softly, ignoring the furious expression on my face and taking my hand in his. "Kess isn't attacking you. None of us are. We're just trying to find out what happened here so we can do something about it."

"Nothing happened!" I snapped, jerking away from him and turning my back on all of them. "Leave me alone!"

"Baby, obviously something did happen..." JC retorted, stating the obvious.

Such a fuckin' genius he is, I thought bitterly, walking towards the bedroom, but my mind flashed back to what Nick had done to me in there, and I stopped cold—unable to walk into that room because I knew that if I did, he would be there and it would happen all over again.

"Nikki, what's wrong?" Kess asked, coming up behind me and touching my arm. "Nikki, say something! You're scaring me!"

I yanked my arm out of her reach, hyperventilating as I backpedaled away from that door. As images of Nick and I in there came faster, I rushed past Kess, knocking Josh down in my desperate desire to escape memories. I sank to the floor, covering my ears as Nick's voice, angry and malicious, filled my ears.


I can't believe what I'm hearing and seeing here right now!  Did Nick Carter do to Nikki what Kess is indicating that he did?  Oh God no Nikki!  She's been hurt too many times in the past and I...I can't allow it to happen again.  She doesn't deserve to be hurt like this.  She's gone through too mush now and this is all just to much.  I know she's said over and over again that she loves Nick and that he loves her, but if he did, he wouldn't have done the things that Kess is saying.  The evidence in her hand is pretty clear that something happened badly.  I just don't know the specifics of what went down between her and Nick, but with the way she ran from that door and the way she`s covering her ears and crying on the floor now, it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to know that something drastic happened that requires jail time and a big JT beat down!

She's screaming now and all she can do is say that she's all right and that he didn't do anything to her.  Kess and Tayla are trying to help her up, but she's not budging from the spot she's in.  Oh God, how are we going to make this right?  This shouldn't be happening to her and no one else.  I can't believe he would do something like that, but then again he's fucking Nick Carter.  She's actually defending him like she used to defend that bastard Jason.  He hurt her and now Nick had gone and done the same fucking thing.  I can't deal with this right now.  I got to find him and turn out his lights...for good.

"Come on Nikki calm down baby," JC says to her as she started struggling now as Kess pushed him out of the way and got down next to her, trying to help get her over to the couch.

"No!  No!  Don't fucking touch me bastard!  No!  Stop!"  Nikki screamed as I could imagine what actually happened in that fucking room.

"Come on Nik Nik, calm down and tell me what happened?"  I ask, leaning closer to her as she popped me in the face while thrashing around with Kess and Tayla.

"Come on Nikki calm down girl," Kess says, trying with all of her might to keep Nikki from hurting her or herself.  "We need help here!  Someone get the doctor!  Maybe he has something that can calm her down.  As long as she's like this, she might hurt herself or hell me!"

"Where da fuck did Nick go?"  I ask, looking around outside of the bus.  "We need to get Nick!  Did anyone see where he fucking went?"

"He ran past us and that was it!"  JC screams, struggling with Kess and Tayla, trying to help them with Nikki.

"He's not going to get away with this!  Security!"  I shout into my walkie talkie, standing at the door of the bus.  "Damnit!  Security answer me!"

I tried over and over to raise security but it seems no one responded.  Running down to the BSB bus to see if Nick was there, I looked around and didn't see him.  Turning around and running back off the bus, I ran back down to Diamonds' bus just as the tour doctor was going in.

"What seems to be the problem here?"  The doctor asks as I stood there watching everything, not being able to emotionally stand it.

"She's going hysterical can't you see that man!"  Kess shouts being knocked back against the window by Nikki as JC and Tayla grabbed her and did their best to try and hold her down as the doctor rummaged through his bag, pulled out a syringe and injected it into Nikki's arm.  Within that moment, Nikki started to visibly calm down.

"Can someone tell me what's going on here?"  The doctor asks as I finally got my thoughts together.

"No we can't doc," I say, stepping up now.  "I thank you doc for helping with Nikki, but I now must ask you to leave."

"Leave?  I'm not leaving until someone tells me what's going on with this young lady," the doctor says as I shook my head.

"Well doctor I'm not going to tell you and no one else here is either," I tell him as he nods and grabs his bag.  "Once she's back to normal and talking again, then and only then will someone, possibly her tell you what's going on, but it won't be none of us."

"Well that's fine then," he says, tipping his hat and walking back through the bus and then off of it.

"JT why didn't you tell him what happened?"  Kess asks, stepping closer to me.  "Someone needs to document what that bastard did to her!"

"Kess stop!  I know what I'm doing here," I say as she turns away from me.  "You saw how she was.  She doesn't want anyone other than us involved in this.  Until she's ready to tell that, I'm going to abide by her wishes.  Once she's back to normal, I'm going to do whatever is needed to make things right."

"JT by that time it'll be too late!  Nick needs to be handled and now!"  Kess shouts as I turn around and walk towards the door too.  "J don't walk away like this!"

"I'm not going to argue about this Kessa.  Let's just drop this now and let things calm down," I say, looking down at the floor now.  "Once she's awake again, then we'll go from there.  Until this matter is completely dealt with, Diamonds' won't be performing."

"What?  Why?"  Kess asks, moving over to me quickly.  "Why can't we perform?"

"Well I don't think you girls should perform during the BSB's tour, other problems may arise," I tell her as she looked at me like she was ready to beat my ass.  "You know as well as I do that problems can arise at the drop of a dime.  You know that Nick is conniving, he might convince the other guys and the rest of management to stop you all from being on this tour."

"I don't think he would go as far to do something like that JT," she says as I shook my head in the negative.  "But you think he would.  What makes you think he would do something like that JT?"

"In my eyes, Nick is just as bad as Lance.  I believe Nick will do anything to keep his reputation perfect," I say as JC moved away from Nikki and got up in my face.

"JT that's not fair.  You can't compare Nick to Lance!  Lance never raped anybody!"  JC shouts, throwing his hands up.  "You're just being a fucking dick!"

"Josh don't start no shit with me!  I'm not in the fucking mood and right now I'll drop your ass without hesitating," I shout at him, throwing my walkie talkie on the floor.

"J we don't need any more drama tonight," Kess says, stepping closer to hug me.  "Now is not the time to think about the past.  He doesn't know anything, just drop it."

"Take care of NIk-Nik, I-I gotta go," I say, turning around quickly and running off the bus.

"What the hell are you two talking about?"  I heard JC ask as I was walking around the side of the bus.

"Don't worry about it Josh!"  Kess screams as I got around the corner and leaned up against the wall I was nearest to and started crying.

A Few Minutes Previously -- On The BSB Tour Bus

Chad's POV

Dang, I made out like a bandit tonight.  I can't believe I scored this big.  I got enough money now to do what I want to.  If the need arises, I'll have enough cash to get away from daddy.  I know he's my daddy and all, but I don't like him.  I know he's been good to me, but I can't stay with a man that hurt momma the way he did.  He left her when she needed him the most.  He deserves to die for what he did, but I'm not the one to judge him for any of that, he will have to deal with that on his own.  I should be thanking the Lord that I'm here with him and not in some dirty orphanage.  Being here with him is just hard for me.  For now I'll just have to learn how to deal with the man that hurt momma the way he did.  I must admit that life around here for me is getting good, I just don't like daddy.  I should be enjoying my time with him, but I just can't see past the crap he did to momma.  The only good thing going on around here for me is Brian.  If it wasn't for him and his friends and the stuff I'm taking from them, it would be like I was back home, minus momma.  At the rate I'm going, I'll be the number one player around here.  I'll be just like my daddy, but in a good way.  I'll take these guys for everything they've got then I'll drop `em.  I don't know where I'm going, but I'll be able to go someplace and be happy.

"Dang, Nick had the most money around here.  The guy must have a complex or something for him to carry that kind of money around.  I guess it's true about what they say about him, I guess he does like to flaunt his celebrity status," I say as I hear the door to the bus open.  "Oh great."

I need to get all this stuff put away and go see who it is.  I hope it's not daddy, I don't feel like dealing with his crap right now.  Probably have some kind of lecture to tell me.  I'll just nod and cry a little and then he'll leave me alone.  I tell you, he's the easy guy to fool.  I guess he's feeling a little guilty about having a son that he left behind.  I'm going to play that up while I can.

"Hey buddy," I hear as Brian steps up behind me and hugs me.  "Why aren't you asleep yet?"

"I wanted to wait up for you and daddy," I tell him as he smiles at me.  "How did the show go tonight?"

"The show went rather well," he says, smiling weakly.

"Cool, wish I could've seen it," I say as his smile widens.  "But I know I can't, not yet anyway."

 "That's right buddy," he says, rustling my hair.  "When you get older, you'll be able to see the late show."

"What all goes on at the late shows?"  I ask him, already knowing since I got a glimpse of Aunt Kess and Aunt Nikki performing on stage tonight with those strange costumes on.  I think they need a new designer, those costumes were just blah.

"I can't tell you that buddy, your daddy will have my backside," he says as I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Isn't that what you want?"  I ask him as his face reddens.

"I think we need to change the subject buddy," he says as I start giggling.  "Okay Brian, I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset buddy, I just think that's something you don't talk about with your future son," he says as I'm sure my eyes widened.  "What?"

"What do you mean what?  You said future son.  What do you mean by that?"  I ask him as he smiled at me.

"Me and your dad are going to get married," he tells me as I was totally stoked. 

"When did that happen?"  I ask him.

"We got engaged tonight before the show," he tells me as I run my hand through my hair.  He's going to marry my dad.  I don't believe this.  Dad is marrying him, but he couldn't marry my momma?  That's just wrong.

"Did you hear me?"  He asks, shaking me.

"Huh?"  I say, not hearing the last of what he said.

"I said that we're going to get married when we get back to Orlando," he tells me as I looked at him strangely.   "Chad are you okay?"

"I'm fine Brian.  I'm happy for you," I tell him, trying to keep my anger from showing.

"Are you sure?  Your words say you're fine, but the way you're looking at me says otherwise," he says, sitting on the bunk next to me.  "Are you upset about us getting married?  Are you scared that me marrying him is going to cause problems for the band?"

"Ah...well not really," I tell him, not carrying if it messed up their reputation or not.

"Then what's wrong buddy?  Don't you know you can talk to me about anything?"  He asks, patting my back.  "We're friends now, you're almost my family.  I'm here for you buddy."

"Yeah I know that Brian," I tell him, wondering if I was screwing up now.

He's my friend and here it is I'm stealing from him and his friends.  What am I going to do if they find out it's me that's taking their stuff?  Maybe I went about things the wrong way.  How am I going to fix this?  I'm mad at daddy, but I don't want to ruin Brian's life because of my hatred for daddy.  This will surely hurt him, both of them.  I got to fix this problem before it causes a bigger problem for everyone.

"I'm fine Brian, I...I just didn't think you two would be getting this involved so fast," I say, trying to cover up my anger.  "It's just a big shock and all.  I'll be fine Brian.  Don't worry about me."

"Okay then.  I think you need to get to bed before you dad gets here, we don't need him popping a vein in his forehead or anything because you're not sleeping," he says as we both giggled at that.

"You're right.  Good night Brian or should I call you father?  Daddy?  What should I call you?"  I ask him, trying to play this thing up.

"You can still call me Brian," he says, leaning in and kissing me on the forehead as he got up.  "Good night.  I'll see you in a bit."

"Okay Brian," I say as he walks away, heading for the front of the bus.

Great, now I need to get this stuff put back where it belongs before I get into trouble and ruin Brian's life.

A Few Blocks Away From The House Of Blues

Nick's POV

I can't believe I actually did that to her.  I love her and I actually hurt her like that.  What the hell is wrong with me?  What the fuck was I thinking?  You don't do things like that to the people you love.  If she never talked to me or allowed me in the same room with her again, I wouldn't have reason to blame her.  I apologized to her, but I know that's not enough.  I know I need to do more to show her, to prove to her that I really do love her and will do anything for her.

Man I've really fucked things up now.  I know she's going to leave me and she's going to run right dab into JC's arms and leave me high and dry.  I can't deal with this right now.  With all that's happened, her friends aren't going to let me near her and I'm probably going to jail also.  What am I going to do?  Pulling out my cell, I dialed the only person I thought would be able to help me through this.  I just hope he's home and won't be mad that I've went and done all of this.  I should have just gone to him when ht asked and this wouldn't be happening right now.

"Hello?"  I hear him say into the phone.

"Tommy I need you," I say as I lean up against the wall and slide down it, hitting the ground as I started crying more now.

"Nicky what's wrong?"  He asks me as I could barely catch my breath now.  "Nicky stop crying.  What happened?  What did the bitch do to you?"

"S-she didn't do anything, I was the one that did something," I tell him as I wiped at my eyes.  "Tommy I hurt her.  I hurt her badly."

"You hurt her?  What did you do Nicky?"  He asks me.

"I beat her up Tommy," I tell him as I hear him take in a breath.  "I-I raped her Tommy...I love her and I hurt her."

"You did what!?!"  He screams out as I had to hold the phone away from my ear.

"I hurt her Tommy," I say, not wanting to hear myself say what I actually did to her again.

"Oh my God Nicky, what have you gotten yourself into?"  He asks me as I started crying full out again.

"Tommy I need you," I say as he takes in another breath.  "I can't handle t-this.  I hurt her and all I can think about right now is killing myself."

"No Nicky, don't start thinking like that again," he says as I was already hitting myself in the chest.  "Nicky I can hear that.  You need to stop."

"I can't Tommy, I can't.  I hurt her, she's my heart.  I have no choice but to beat my heart out," I tell him as I see someone walking towards me.

Getting up, I started walking as fast as I could so I could get away from the person that seemed to be following me.  Ducking behind a building and hiding behind a trash dumpster, I caught my breath and tried to get my crying under control.  Hearing Tommy calling my name frantically, I put the phone back to my ear so I can hear him.

"Nicky babe talk to me!  Come on Nicky snap out of it!  Nicky where are you?"  I hear as I sigh, not wanting to talk anymore.

"I'm still here.  I was trying to get someplace else.  I thought someone was following me just now," I tell him, looking around to see if the person was still there.

"Well you make sure you go some place safe.  I'm on my way to Memphis.  I'm going to take care of you baby.  Calm down and just wait for me.  When I get into town, I'll let you know and I'll be there to take care of you."

"Okay," I say as I just pulled my knees up to my chest and hung up the phone as I just sat there behind the trashcan crying about the woman I loved that may no longer love me.

Early Saturday -- Louisville, KY -- The Starlight Hotel -- Trey's Room

Trey's POV

Whew, that was a long and boring trip.  I'm glad that we're finally here and able to get some rest now.  We couldn't get a drop of sleep on that damn plane.  People were acting like they've never seen a celebrity before.  If I'd known that bringing Alex with me would have taken away so much time and caused the stress that it did, I would have never suggested he come along with me.  I can screw his ass any time.

It's a little after two right now and we have a little bit of time left before we have to be up.  If I play things right, I should be able to get my rocks off and get some sleep before we have to get up to get things set up for tonight's show.

"Baby why don't you get those clothes off in a hurry and join me in the bed," I say, motioning for Alex to come over to the bed where I was sitting.

"Oh?  What do you want me to take my clothes off for Trey?"  He asks, walking slowly over to me.

"Maybe I want to inspect the merchandise you're hiding under all of that stuff you're wearing," I tell him, wondering why he had on so much clothing since it wasn't cold.

"What happens if I don't pass inspection?"  He asks me, taking off his jacket and tossing it on the chair next to him.

"Oh I think you're going to pass, but I can't inspect you until you're fully naked," I tell him as he starts smiling and gets out of all of his clothes in a hurry.

Before I could say anything else, he had all of his clothes, socks, shoes and removable jewelry off and was standing there posing for me.  Damn, I don't care what nobody says; Alex is the finest example of perfection.  The hair, the muscles and the tattoos make for a sexy package that I'm dying to unwrap.  Motioning for him to come to me, he stepped closer to me and I grabbed his hand.  Pulling him into my lap, we started kissing.

"Damn baby," he says, breathing hard as I was doing my best not to flip us over and ram my dick in his ass.  "I recognize that look baby, but I'm tired."

"Tired?  Are you shitting me here?  You can't be tired!"  I shout at him as he jumped out of my lap in a hurry.

"Yeah I'm tired baby.  Why don't we call it a night and fool around later on when we get up.  I'm sure we both need some rest," he says as I shook my head, trying to will my dick to go down.

"Okay, I guess we can get to sleep now and fuck later," I say as he frowns at me.  "What?"

"You don't have to be so crude about it Trey," he says, walking around the bed and climbing in on the other side.

"It's going to be hard for me to sleep with your naked body up against mine," I tell him as he pushed the covers back, got up and walked around the bed, picked up his boxer briefs and pulled them back on.

"Maybe this will help," he says, looking at me angrily, while getting back into bed.  "Goodnight Trey."

"Night," I say as I finished getting undressed and turning off the bedside lamp and pulling the covers over me as well.   This is going to be so much fun, fucking tease.



I don't know any of the members of «N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned.  I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay).  This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that.  This is for entertainment value only folks.