I'm lost, I'm lost without you baby, The days aren't the same the nights are cold and gray, I need you in my life, If not now then someday... --- Vanessa Williams

Lost Without You
Chapter 25, Part D
by JT Poole and Nicole Brown

Sunday Afternoon -- Louisville, KY -- Cardinal Stadium

Howie's POV

I don't think I can continue to put up with all this shit right now! I've done everything I can think of to get him to love me the way I love him. I show him attention and all he's does is ignore me and kept me hanging the fuck on waiting for him! Why am I even waiting around for him when he's only lying to me while fucking every fucking body else? This shit ends tonight! I'm not going another night waiting for Kevin Fucking Richardson to love me! Either he gets back with me and stops playing with my heart or I'm going to call him out on all the things he's done. I don't think he wants me to tell everyone around his secrets, if I do, then we'll see how he handles me, Kristen and that bitch Kessandra. I love him and I'll do anything to get what I want from him.

Brian's POV

Why do I feel like something's not right here today? Since we've gotten back here, I haven't seen JT, Chad or the girls of Diamonds. I'm starting to get worried again, but I'm trying not to. We've had too much drama around here already and we don't need any more. I'm going to do my best to try to keep a positive outlook on things, but right now with JT not here with me, that's going to be hard to do.

"Bri what's wrong?" Kevin asks, walking over to where I was and sat down. "You don't look so good."

"Nothing's wrong Kev, I'm fine," I tell him as he looked at me and then looked down.

"Bri don't lie to me here," he says, patting my back. "I know you don't want him and Chad to leave."

"Of course I don't want him to leave, I love him Kevin," I say, looking down now as he started rubbing my back. "We just got together and I don't want to be here without him."

"I know you don't Bri, I don't want to be here without Kess," he tells me as I looked at him funny. "What's that look for Bri?"

"So you're really in love with her huh?" I ask him as he nods his head. "What are you going to do about Kris and you know?"

"I can care less about Kris and who else are you talking about?" He asks me, turning his body towards me now.

"You know how I'm talking about Kev, he's sitting right over there with a sad look on his face," I tell him as his eyes widened.

"Oh God, you know about...about that?" He asks as I nod my head at him.

"Kevin I know about you two. I've actually seen you guys in action," I tell him as his eyes widened again. "Kevin you don't remember that night you were really really high and you invited me into your hotel room and you and him were fooling around?"

"Huh?" He says, looking at me funny.

"Lord, you forgot about that night didn't you?" I ask him as he looked at me blankly. "I'll take that as a yes then."

"What are you talking about Brian?" He asks me as I shake my head and smile at him.

"Do you remember the night Leighanne started her shit with me and I got outed?" I ask him as he looked at me like I was crazy and shook his head no. "Come on Kev I know you have to remember that night."

"I remember the beginning of the night when the police was called, but anything after that I have no recollection of," he tells me, looking down.

"Kevin I'm shocked as hell right now. After the police left us, I went to my room and got into bed crying. About an hour later you came to check on me and basically invited me back to your room. You told me that I didn't need to be alone and that I should stay in your room with you. I agreed to go but I had no idea you had company. When we were talking I had no idea that you were high as a kite and it came as a surprise when I saw Howie walk out of the bathroom naked."

"What? He walked out of the bathroom naked?" He asks me as I nod at him.

"Yeah he came out naked Kev," I tell him, shaking my head at his memory loss. "The both of you were so high that you acted as if you didn't care that I was even in the room. You two got back into bed and started fooling around. You guys were doing just about everything under the sun and so I took upon myself to leave and go back to my room."

"Oh damn," he says, getting up now and running his fingers through his hair.

"Oh damn indeed Kev," I tell him as he looked over at Howie and then back at me. "He's in love with you Kevin."

"He's in love with me?" He asks, looking at me with wide eyes again.

"Yeah he's in love with you Kevin," I tell him, thinking that's what was really wrong with Howie since he's always quiet when Kevin's around.

"How do you know he's in love with me?" He asks me, looking back over to where Howie was.

"Look at him Kevin," I say, standing up now. "Since that night I've noticed that he's been acting strange. I thought it had something to do with him leaving his family and him being homesick, but he's not homesick, he's lovesick Kevin, lovesick for you."

"That's impossible. I'm not gay Bri," he says, looking at me with a shocked expression on his face.

"Do you want to run that by me again Kevin?" I ask him as he looked at me funny. "The way you were riding Howie and he was riding you that night, you got more than sugar in your tank. You took the dick like a pro Kevin."

"Hey!" He shouts, pushing me backwards now.

"Hey nothing, I call it the way I see it Kevin," I say as he looked over his shoulder to see that Howie was gone now. "You two fooled around and I think you've fooled around more than that one time I was there. I don't think because you tell me you're not gay, that you don't have a gay side."

"Okay we've fooled around more than once. I was only experimenting," he tells me as he wiped at his eyes. "I didn't think it was going to turn into anything. I don't want a man like that, I want...want Kess."

"Well apparently you won't be having me!" We turned around to see Kess standing behind us with an angry look on her face. "You fucker! Excuse me, you fuckhee!"

"Oh fuck, Kess! Kessa!" He screams, sighing as she turned around and walked hurriedly down the aisle back towards the concessions area. "This is just fucking great! Brian this is all your fault!"

"My fault? I didn't do anything Kevin," I tell him as he growled under his breath at me and stomped away like a diva would. "Lawd naw, I told him he had sugar in his tank. Only a diva would stomp away like that."

Max Hexton Hotel -- Lance and Justin's Hotel Room

Justin's POV

Thank God we're back at the hotel now. I was scared that we weren't going to make it back here in one piece. It seems that as soon as we picked up Cam's bags someone spotted me and a crowd soon arrived. After the two of us made a mad dash to the car, Lonnie and Bruce did what was necessary to get us back here safely. We're currently sitting here in the main room and to tell you the truth, he seems just as edgy about something as I am. I asked him did he want to talk about anything and he just shook his head no to me. I asked him was something bothering him and again he shook his head no. He's been acting strange since I hugged him and I don't know why. What's going on with my friend?

Getting up and walking over to the windows in the room, I looked out and watched all the cars going by. What am I going to do about all this shit that's going on between me, Lance and JT? I don't know what to think right now and my heart is hurting more and more by the second. Now that I have Cam here with me, I thought it would be easier for me to open up to him and talk about what's going on, but I just can't bring myself to tell him what's happened. It's like I'm ashamed to or something.

Since getting up this morning I've been feeling a little bit uneasy. I don't really know why I feel this way, I just do. I know I haven't gotten much sleep with all the stuff going on with Lance and JT and that could be the reason why I'm feeling this way but I truly doubt it. Since talking to Cam last night, I feel...I feel like there's something strange happening between us and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe time will tell if I can get the guts to open my mouth and tell him about what happened to Lance and what might have happened to me.

A Few Minutes Previously -- The Backstage Area

Jason's POV

This stuff is all looking good and ready to go. It's amazing what kind of dangerous stuff you can get on short notice in this town. With the help of some of my cop buddies here along with Tommy Lee, everything I wanted to happen tonight is set up and ready to go. Walking around the building, looking at my handy work, I smiled to myself when I visualized what was to happen later on tonight. It's getting close to concert time and I'm thinking that I'd be a nice guy and give that bitch another chance to change her mind. With that boy toy of hers constantly hanging around her today, I haven't had the chance to get back to her, but with the help of Tommy Lee agreeing to get said boy toy away from, I think that will work in my favor.

Walking down the hall, heading out of one of the back doors, my heart started racing when my cell phone rang. Answering it, it was Tommy Lee telling me that he had gotten the boy toy out of the picture and that the bitch was all alone in her dressing room. Walking back through the door, I went in the direction of the dressing rooms in search of her. Still wearing my disguise, I was able to get past their security since it seems those guys were swarming all around the place for some reason. Walking around the back of the dressing room area, I slipped into the back door of the room and hide outside the door.

Standing in the dark outside the door, looking in I heard her talking to someone...someone I've heard before. Listening in more on the conversation, it seems that her friend, his name is JT is pissed off that she's still hanging around with the boy toy that Tommy Lee is probably fucking right now and that she didn't tell him that I had come to see her earlier this morning. He must be gay or something because he's starting to whine just like a fucking bitch. That's what's wrong with her ass, hanging around with all those queers.

"Nik Nik you should have called me right then when the mutherfucka put his hands on you!" He screamed out as I moved closer to the door now, trying to get a good view of the two of them.

"You have enough stuff to worry about right now with Jamie around. You don't need to be getting into this shit too," she tells him as I tried to figure out who the hell this Jamie person was. Maybe this Jamie person can help me out with this.

"That doesn't matter girl and you know it. I should've known that he was here! It would be nice to know that I'm not fucking losing my mind when I think I see familiar people walking around at this place!" He screamed again as I was able to crack the door now and see what was going on in the room.

"What? What do you mean familiar people walking around at this place?" She asks him as he turned around and started rubbing his forehead.

"That's just what it means Nik Nik, he's here and now," he tells her. "I have this place swarming with security trying to find him but knowing your husband, he's going to make that a hard task."

"JT I wish you didn't get involved in this. I wish you would've just let me handle this," she says as he turned around and glared at her.

"Let you handle this? How were you going to handle that bastard? Nikki he'll kill you and you know it!" He shouts as someone knocked on the other door to the room.

"JT calm down nicca," she says, turning around and walking to the other door. "Yes?"

"Is everything alright in here Miss Cavanaugh?" One of the security guys asks, looking around the room.

"Yes sir, we're just having a heated discussion," she tells the man as he looked at her friend and then back at her.

"Okay miss, if you need us, we're just outside," he told her as she nodded and he walked back out of the room.

"JT you need to calm the fuck down. We don't need any more stress and drama right now. All we need to do is get through this show tonight and then we have a few days off. Then we can both rest," she tells him as he shakes his head.

"You can rest, I have to go back to work, get Chad enrolled into school and a whole lot of other things that he probably doesn't want to do. That boy has gotten attached to Brian in the worst way and I don't think us leaving in the morning is going to be an easy task," he tells her as he sat down and started crying. What a wimp.

"JT everything's going to be okay," she tells him as she sits down next to him and hugs him. "Things are going to be just fine for you and the mini you. Are you sure it's just Chad that's gotten attached to Brian? You're just as attached as he is. I know you JT and you've fallen hard and fast. Just keep the faith that everything is going to work out. Believe it or not, you two are going to be fine and you know it. It's been a short time, but that little boy has changed your life and I think it's for the better man."

"Maybe so, but who's to know that for sure?" He asks her as she shook her head and hugged him again.

"Get going man, you're child and man are probably looking for you," she tells him as he got up.

"Why don't you come on up with me, we have a long time before the concert. We're going to just chill out for a while," he tells her.

"Naw man, you take that time to spend with your new family," she says, kissing him on the cheek. "I'm going to hang out here for a few and then I'll get with Kessa and Tayla so we can do one more run through of our song for tonight."

"Okay then, well if you change your mind we're up on the second level," he tells her as he hugs her and walks towards the door just as a cell phone rings. "Well damn, I haven't even walked out the door yet."

"Well answer it man," she says, sitting back down now.

"Hello?" He speaks into the phone and then hits his forehead. "Fine then, I'll be right down...yeah...yeah damnit...bye! Nik Nik we have to run down to the stage area. Come on."

"What? Why?" She asks, getting back up now.

"I'll tell you along the way," he says as the two of them walked out of the room. Damn it!

Down on the Stage

"Get the fuck away from me Kevin before I rip your fucking dick off!" Kess screamed, pushing Kevin away from her.

"No I'm not going to get away from you! I love you Kess," Kevin says as JT, Nikki and some other security people ran up to them.

"What's going on down here?" JT asks, turning her around as she glared at him. "What's going on Kessa?"

"Girl would you just chill out for a minute and tell him what's going on," Nikki says, looking at Kess strangely.

"You fucking chill out damnit! Ya'll don't know what this bastard did!" Kess screams as Kevin stepped closer to her again and she hauled off and smacked him like she was his pimp and he was a bitch on the street.

"Kessa stop this madness! We don't need any more drama around here," JT calmly says as she was ready to smack Kevin again just as JT grabbed her arm. "Kessa don't hit him no mo."

"JT if you don't get your hands off of me right now you're going to get some of this too," Kess says as JT let her arm go and stepped back. "Now, let me get back to what I was doing."

"Just go ahead and take her away," JT says as one of the security guys grabs Kess and drags her out of the room kicking and screaming.

"JT you know she's going to be pissed off later on," Nikki says as JT shakes his head.

"I don't really care right now. You guys have an hour and a half to go before show time. We don't need any more trouble breaking out today. My head hurts and I'm not really ready to deal with anything else, especially with Jason around," JT tells her as he rubbed his eyes. "I have to go get ready for my surprise tonight."

"Surprise? What surprise JT?" Nikki asks him as she grabbed him by the arm.

"Oh it's nothing," JT says as he smiled weakly.

"What's going on JT?" Nikki asks him as he looked up at her.

"I'm going to sing for Brian at the concert tonight," JT tells her as she smiles at him. "Since me and Chad are leaving in the morning, I want to sing to him to show him that he doesn't have to worry about our relationship."

"That's so sweet," Nikki says, looking away from JT now.

"Oh well, I'm going to find my boys for the show and I'll probably go talk to Kessa about what happened here," JT says, kissing Nikki on the cheek and walking away.

In Diamonds' Dressing Room

Nikki's POV

I sat in my dressing room, nervous about the show, but also on edge since I can sense that Jason isn't done being a threat to all of us. JT doesn't know the half of what Jason is involved in, so I have to do everything I can to keep everyone safe. I can only pray that the phone call I made last night didn't come too late to save all of us from whatever it is Jason has up his sleeve. I have to believe that the person I called meant what he said about taking care of the problem for me.

The pre-concert jitters I'd been having all day came back full force, and I ran into the small bathroom next door to empty my heaving stomach. I prayed I wouldn't get sick again once I was out there performing. I could hear the crowds outside chanting all of our names, and as always, it never failed to give me a rush. It's amazing to know that people came here to see me and hear me sing. It's a rush, but at the same time, it can be really nerve wrecking. That's probably why I'm feeling so sick... fucking nerves.

The knock at my door brought me back to the here and now. I opened the door without thinking, hoping it was Nick or maybe even JT coming to check on me again before the show, but Kessa stood there with tears in her eyes, looking like she'd just lost her best friend. I pulled her into the room with me, sitting her down and handing her tissues. I sat with her until she'd calmed down, but after hearing the stuff she'd learned about Kevin earlier, I can see why sister girl is upset.

"Nikki, why do I keep on finding these damned gay men to fall in love with?" she asked, wiping her nose on her tissue.

"Honey, I don't know," I replied, hugging her as we sat side by side on the couch. "But if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know."

"Gee, thanks," she retorted sarcastically, slapping my arm. The laughter died almost as fast as it began though, and she looked at me, sadness etched into her face. "Nikki, I heard you and Nick talking earlier... is it true you two are back together?"

"Honestly, I don't know what's going on between Nick and me anymore," I stated, resting my head against the back of the couch. "One minute I love him and the next I'm thinking `what the hell are you still doing with this bozo?' I have the exact same problem with men—only mine want to use me for a punching bag, or even better, act like they own me. Nick, Josh, Jason—all three of them act like I belong to them. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I keep choosing men who hurt me?"

"Looks like we really are sisters, huh?" Kessa asked, hugging me close for a moment, then standing up and straightening her clothes. She walked over to the mirror, grimacing at her reflection. "Ugh! I look like a raccoon. I guess I'd better go get Danielle to help me repair the damage. I'll be back in a bit."

The door closed behind Kessa and I sat down at the lighted vanity, curling my hair for my opening `surprise' with Nick. Another knock and I didn't even think about it as I yelled `Come in!' while continuing to fix my hair. I'd closed my eyes, hoping it was Nick this time, since I really needed him to help me remember the last verse of `Candy Shop', cause right at that moment, a sistah was drawing a complete and total blank. I spun around, ready to jump up and hug Nick—only it wasn't Nick... not by a long shot.

"Well, well, well... look what the whores dragged in," Jason said in the nastiest tone I'd ever heard him use. He came up behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders and looking at me in the mirror. "Look at you—all dressed up with no one to do. What? Turning tricks to support yourself? God knows your stupid ass can't sing."

"Jason, why don't you just leave before security comes and kicks you out," I snapped, cringing when he tightened his grip on my shoulders. "Jason, I'm not gonna fight with you, so just get the fuck out before I have you thrown out!"

"I'm not going anywhere without what belongs to me," he hissed, opening his coat to reveal his service revolver, which he unholstered and sat on the counter in front of me. "You think you know so much, do you Nicole? Well, what am I gonna do with that? What? Yeah, just like I thought. You ain't got all that fuckin' mouth on you now, now do you? Get your shit Nicole... we're going home right now, and I don't wanna hear shit about a fuckin' concert. You're coming back to California one way or another."

"Am I supposed to be afraid Jason?" I asked, staring at his reflection in the mirror as I sat the curling irons I was using down on the counter and looked at his gun. "What you gonna do? Shoot me? Pistol-whip me? Do what you gotta do Jason, cause I am not going anywhere with you, you selfish low-life son of a bitch! You've used me for your punching bag one time too goddamned many and I'm taking back my fuckin' life! I don't belong to you, and I damned sure don't want to be with you! I have a life that's all my own now and I'm gonna live it! You hear those people out there cheering? They're cheering for me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a show to do."

I stood up, purposely backing my chair up so he would have to either let go of me, or risk loosing his family jewels. I walked to the door, stopping as I turned and looked at my past for one brief moment. He stood there staring at me with a newfound gleam of what looked like respect in his eyes as I opened that door and went in search of what I hoped would be my future so we could go over the words to our number again. I turned my mind to thoughts of Nick, letting Jason and my memories of my life with him settle on the shit heap right where they belonged. My past was behind me now, and the future? Well the future is what I plan to make of it!

Watch out world! I thought as I ran towards Nick's dressing room, happiness flowing through my veins making my heart light and everything else pale in comparison. This is how life is supposed to feel!



I don't know any of the members of «N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned. I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay). This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that. This is for entertainment value only folks.