I'm lost, I'm lost without you baby, The days aren't the same the nights are cold and gray, I need you in my life, If not now then someday... --- Vanessa Williams
Lost Without You
by JT Poole and Nicole Brown
It's too damn early in the morning to be up and it feels like I've been going on air for days. I need to crash soon or else. Since getting off that damn plane I've been all over this town looking for Nick. I must be fucked up because I don't know why it didn't register in my brain that I should've checked here first at the hospital. Damn, it's like he was in a damn explosion, it's the most logical place to look first, hell I went hotel damn hopping instead. I guess it's true for what they say about doing drugs now. I can barely think clearly right now. That must be the residual effects of the weed I smoked with...with...hell whatever his name was. I think I'll lay off the weed for a while.
It's after ten now and I'm walking around the hospital looking for Nick. I asked the woman down at the desk what room he was in but she told me he wasn't in one. So after going through the list of the Backstreet Boys that were here, I decided to go pay AJ a visit in hopes of finding Nick.
Before I could get to the room that AJ was in, I saw a man that looks like my brother with a bondages on his forehead and face. Running up to the man, it was Nick and he was crying. Looking at him funny, I started thinking the worst. Did one of the guys die or something?
"Nicky are you okay?" I ask, grabbing his arm as he turned around and look at me and then wrapped his arms around me.
"Oh God, Air I'm so happy to see you," he says, sobbing like a chick now.
"Nick what's wrong?" I ask him as all I got out of him was more sobs and sniffles. "Is it one of the guys bro?"
"Oh God Oh God...he's...he's...he's in a coma," he says, holding on to me tighter now.
"Who's in a coma?" I ask him as he was snotting on my shoulder now. Ewww.
"T-tommy's in a coma," he says as I pulled back and looked at him funny. "He's in a coma and he might die."
"Tommy? Who's Tommy?" I ask him as he leaned back and looked at me like I was crazy.
"Tommy!" He shouts, getting the attention of other people around us.
"Tommy who Nicky?" I ask as he shook his head.
"Tommy Lee damnit!" Nick shouts as a police officer walked up to the both of us.
"Is there any trouble here?" The police officer asks, looking at the both of us.
"No sir, he's just having a crying fit," I say as the cop looked at Nick, shook his head and then tipped his hat as he walked off.
"I'm not having a crying fit Air, one of my closest friends is in a coma and he might die!" Nick shouts again as I held my finger up to try and quiet him down.
"You are having a crying fit," I say, looking around as people were still watching us. "I could understand if one of the guys were in a coma and possibly might die, but Tommy Lee? The last time you said anything about him, you said he tried to put the moves on you."
"That doesn't matter now," he says, wiping at his eyes now and sniffling. "He was hurt in the explosion and they don't know if he's going to wake up."
"Nicky I don't get it. The last time you said something about Tommy Lee, you said you hoped you never saw or heard from him again. Why are you in here acting a fool now?" I ask because the pieces of the puzzle weren't fitting and I could feel something strange was going on that even he didn't know.
"He's my friend Air and he might die," he says, looking at me like he wanted to hit me.
"Nicky are you trying to tell me something here? Am I missing something bigger here?" I ask him as he looked down. "Nick did you two really have a thing?"
"What? No we didn't have a thing, I'm straight...straight damnit!" He screams out as I stepped back from him. "You're...you're just like mom!"
"Nicky calm down before the police guy comes back over here," I tell him as he turned away from me.
"If you're going to insult me Air, just go ahead and leave me alone," he tells me, crossing his arms across his chest now.
"I'm not trying to insult you bro, I can care less if you two got freaky together, I get my freak on with guys at least once or twice a week," I whisper to him as he turned around and looked at me like he face was going to change into a tomato.
"You what!" He shouts, pushing me away from him now. "You're a fag?"
"Excuse me!" I shout now, not caring who heard us now. "I'm not going to stand here and take this from you. I came here to make sure that you were okay, but now I see you're still the same. Later Nick!"
"What the fuck!" Nick shouts as I took off walking down the hall to get a cab and get the fuck away from this town.
It's almost five in the morning and I'm still awake. Our plane touched down about two hours ago and we got here and I have yet to lay down. It's like I'm still hyped up but I don't know what for. With all the stuff that's taking place over the last few days, I should be glad to lay my black ass down and go to sleep. I'm tired and I'm in need of more than sleep but that's not happening since I'm still awake right now. I should be crashing like Chad and Brian are right now, but it seems I can't.
I guess I'm pumped up with all the stuff that's been going on. Besides dealing with the issues of the last concert and the fallout afterwards, things are just a mess with the Backstreet Boys, Diamonds and even «N Sync. If I'd known all the shit that took place Tuesday was going to take place, I would've begged Father Time and God to not let Tuesday happen. It's a new day now and I'm just glad that stuff is over. Maybe today I can get back on track, well maybe I can after I get some sleep.
I just hope that none of the shit that happened back in Louisville comes back to bit any of us in the ass. I'm back in Orlando now and I don't even want to hear anything about Louisville, Jackie Howard, Jason Cavanaugh, Jamie Bass or anyone for that matter, I just want everyone to leave me alone and just let me be. I might need to call a therapist and pay them a long visit after this one. All of this is going to be hard to deal with now that my best friend is gone again. What am I going to do now that Jackie has taken Nikki away with her?
"There you are baby, what are you doing still up?" I hear behind me as I turned around to see Brian standing in the doorway.
"I can't sleep Brian," I tell him as he hobbled on into the room and came over to me.
"Baby you need to get some rest," he tells me, laying his head on my shoulder now. "You've been going like a robot for days now. You need to sleep baby. The way you're going isn't healthy."
"I know that Brian but I can't force myself to sleep," I tell him as he sighs.
"Baby come with me," he says, pulling back from me as he flinched and then took in a breath. "Come on, let's go to bed and try to sleep until some time later."
"I'll try but I won't make any promises baby," I tell him.
"That's all I ask of you baby," he says, kissing my cheek. "Travis will be here in a few to get Chad to take him to school."
"That sounds like a plan because I might not be able to take him myself," I say, looking down now.
"Don't worry about Chad for right now, you can deal with him later," he says, holding my hand as we walked up the stairs to my bedroom.
"You say that like its something simple baby," I say as he sighs again.
"It's not simple but you can deal with what he's done later on baby," he says, frowning now as we walked into my room and he walked around the bed.
"How am I supposed to deal with the fact that my son has been stealing from you and your friends?" I ask him as the realization of what was going on shook my soul a bit. "Since the first day he's been with me he's been making plans to leave me. He started stealing so that he could leave me and never have to see me again."
"Baby don't...don't think about that right now," he says as I sat on the edge of the bed crying now.
"I fucked up Brian, I fucked up my whole life," I tell him as he started rubbing my back. "My life shouldn't have been this way. I shouldn't be this man that's fucked up the lives of everyone he's come in contact with. If I would've left well enough alone, I would've never met his mother and he wouldn't be around me."
"JT stop that," he says as I got up off the bed.
"No Brian, it's all the truth. He has a right to hate me. I fucked up his life and his mom's. If I never led Tasha on, he wouldn't be here with me now, hating me. This is my fault regardless of how you look at it. I've always known I was gay since I was a little boy Brian. My mother and father knew and they used to kick my ass for it. That's why my grandparents and aunt kept me so much to keep them from trying to beat the gayness out of me. If I hadn't tried to be straight, I never would've hooked up with her and we never would've done the things we did," I explain as he just looked down at the bed.
"Baby please," he says as a few tears fell from his eyes now.
"No Brian, this is what you've gotten yourself into," I tell him, moving over to the windows in my bedroom now. "You fell in love with me without knowing how fucked up I was."
"Baby you're not fucked up," he tells me, getting up now and coming over to me. "We've all faced trials and tribulations in our lives and that's just it baby, it's life."
"Yeah, well mine is fucked up and right now...right now I don't think I need to be pulling more people into it," I tell him as I saw his eyes widen in the reflection of the glass.
"Baby what are you trying to say?" He asks, turning me to face him now. "You don't want to marry me now? Don't you love me? I can careless that you think your life is fucked up. Hell my life is fucked up and you know that. Just look at things with Leighanne and Baylee."
"That's different Brian and you know it," I tell him as he shook his head.
"It's not different, you just don't love me and want to be with me now," he says as he turned away from me and looked down at the floor. "I...I thought you were different but I guess I was wrong. I thought you were special JT."
"Yeah I'm special Brian, special in the damn head," I tell him as he sighs and walked over to the bed and sat back down.
"If you're special in the head then so am I!" He shouts, looking up at me now. "I have the same situation as you do JT and you best open your eyes and see that. Things didn't happen the same way, but it's the same damn situation."
"How so Brian?" I ask him as he shook his head at me.
"We both denied our true selves and got involved with women and later had children," he tells me as he started rubbing his head now. "It's the same damn thing JT and you know it."
"Maybe in your mind Brian but not in mine," I tell him as he got back up and walked over to me.
"So this is it then, you're just going to push me out of your life now because you feel that our situations are different and that you don't want to believe that we're similar in more ways than one?" He asks, looking me in the face now.
"Brian it goes way deeper than that and you know it," I tell him as he grabbed my shoulders now.
"I love you JT, damn this! I'm not going to loose you because you're being thick headed right now!" He shouts, looking down as more tears fell from his eyes.
"Maybe...maybe you shouldn't love me," I tell him as the door to the room opens and Chad is standing there with tears in his eyes.
"Daddy please stop, don't do this," Chad says, sniffling now. "I know this is my fault but I didn't mean what I said to you daddy. Honest daddy, I didn't mean it."
"You meant what you said Chad. Every word you said was the truth," I say as he walked over to us and stood in front of me as Brian moved back.
"I didn't mean it daddy," he says, frowning now. "In your mind it might be true but it isn't reality. I know what you're thinking daddy and you shouldn't think like that. Mommy told me that you were a nice and honest man and that you were trying to do the right thing. You can't be held responsible for how you were brought up daddy."
"Boy..." I start as he looked down.
"If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here right now," he says, wiping at his eyes now. "If it wasn't for the love you had for mommy, I wouldn't be alive right now. It takes two people to create new life daddy and with you, you created me."
"Yeah I created a little boy that doesn't love me and thinks that I'm evil," I say as he wrapped his arms around my legs now and started crying harder.
"That's not true daddy," he says, gasping for air now. "I only said those things because I was mad at what you said to me."
"You said those things because that's what you believe in your heart Chad," I tell him as he held my legs tighter now.
"I don't believe that daddy, I was mad...mad that you left us, you left us to come to this place. You should have taken us with you, not left us behind. If you were there, mommy would be alive now," he says as I shook my head.
"That would've been hard to do Chad since I didn't even know you existed," I tell him as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
"You had to have known that she was pregnant daddy," he says, looking up at me now.
"I honestly didn't know," I tell him, looking down at him now. "I didn't know you were mine until Mister Marshall called me that day and sprung all the information on me."
"He's telling you the truth Chad," Brian says, looking at the two of us now. "I was there in the office when the lawyer told him about you and he fainted right after hearing it."
"Fainted?" Chad says, looking at Brian then me.
"Yeah, I fainted on the spot when he said that I had a son," I tell him as he looked at me funny.
"Yeah your daddy has diva moments too," Brian says as I turn and glare at him.
"Watch it buddy or I just might make the next thirty years of your life miserable," I say as he looked at me funny now.
"How do you plan on doing that?" Brian asks, looking at me now.
"I'll think of something Brian. Believe me; I'll come up with a way to bother you daily while being your husband," I say as his frown widened into a smile. "I'm sorry Brian."
"About time," Chad says, looking up at me now.
"Excuse me, don't go getting ahead of yourself buddy boy," I say, looking down at Chad now. "I have yet to scratch the surface with you."
"Ah...ah what does that mean daddy?" He asks, looking down now.
"It means you're going to be punished for a long time. You might be a grown man before you get freedom back," I tell him as he sighs. "No one told you to become a world class thief Chad."
"Baby let..." Brian says as I looked up at him.
"Brian don't go there, we're not married yet," I tell him as he zipped his lips.
"Oh come on daddy, he's going to be my daddy too, let him talk," Chad says, trying to take the attention from him now.
"What do you have to say Brian?" I ask as Chad looked at Brian like he was the Messiah of his life right now.
"I was going to suggest that we put him to work so that he can work off the stuff that he stole from everyone," Brian says, looking at Chad as Chad looked down.
"I guess we have a winner then," I say as Chad looked up at me. "Better yet, Brian you'll be in charge of what he has to do. I leave that in your capable hands."
"Daddy don't you think you're going a little bit overboard with this?" Chad asks as I looked at him now, wondering if he knew he was digging himself into a bigger hole.
"Chad I think you better be quiet now," Brian says as I just stood there watching him.
"Okay I'll be quiet now," he says, turning around. "Is everything going to be okay with you two now?"
"You don't have to worry about us, you just need to worry about you," I tell him as he looked at me funny.
"I think I'll go back to bed now," he says, opening the door to the bedroom and walking out.
"JT are you okay now?" Brian asks, looking at me. "Are we okay now?"
"Yeah I guess we are okay Brian. I think I just needed to voice what was going on in my mind to see things the right way," I tell him as he smiled at me.
"Well I'm glad you saw things the right way," he says, walking over to me and wrapping his good arm around me as we kissed. "If I had to, I was going to call Jackie for you."
"Aw hell naw man," I say as he started snickering like my cat would.
"I'm only joking baby, I wouldn't do that to you, but then again if you scare me like that again, I'll be forced to call her to come here," he says as I glared at him.
"Yeah right baby," I say as he pulled away from me with a straight face.
"Well you just try it and see then Mister Littrell," he says, turning around now.
"Mister Littrell? I didn't know I was taking your last name," I say as he sat back down on the bed.
"Well you are so there," he says, smiling at me as he laid back down, patting the bed for me to join him. "Now come on, you're supposed to be sleeping right now."
"Man it's almost seven in the morning," I tell him as he looked at the clock on the wall.
"So what," he says, smiling at me. "You need your rest baby and we all know you do," he tells me, pushing the covers back for me. "Come on in."
"Yeah I am tired," I say, walking over to the bed and climbing in as he kissed my cheek and I laid my head on the pillow.
"Have a good morning baby," he says, lying the rest of way down too.
I'm tired as all hell right now and I'm not in the mood to be messed with by anyone. This must be one of those days you have when you've used up all your good days. I've just gotten in from Jive and right now I have a killer headache. When I get my hands on Lance Fucking Bass I'm going to break my foot off in his damn ass. I tell you if it isn't one thing it's a damn nother one when he's concerned. He's very lucky that he's already listed as disabled or I would hurt him again and make it permanent. He's screwed too many people over the years and now it's time for some payback. I thought he would've changed his ways when JT beat his ass but I guess that's not going to happen now that Justin decided not to marry him. Serves his ass right for all the shit he did to JT over the years. Lance is a wormy pig that doesn't deserve to have anyone in his life love him.
With all the stuff with the concert, dealing with Jackie and then having to deal with Josh's damn whining, I'm not in the mood to put up with anymore bad news for the rest of this week, hell the rest of this month. I can tell you already that this week has stressed all of us out and with the shit Lance is putting down right now, things won't get any better until someone deals with his ass again. I just hope it's not JT again.
"Uhhh, what the hell are we going to do?" I say aloud, getting up in a hurry and running to my bathroom as another wave of nausea hit.
I don't think I can keep going on like this. How much longer am I going to have to put up with this morning sickness? I'm pretty sure the guys all know that I'm knocked now. I'm not showing yet but with all the trips to the bathroom and my crankiness, hell I'm sure Tayla and Danielle have both figure things out. Hell with the way I'm acting, Ray Charles can see what's wrong with me.
"Kessa! Kessa are you alright in there?" I hear JT ask, knocking on my bedroom door.
"I'm fine J, just give me a moment," I say, grabbing a wash cloth to wash my face and then grabbing my toothbrush to get this horrible taste out of my mouth. I shouldn't have eaten that damn egg, cheese and mayonnaise sandwich when I got here this morning. It tasted good going down but coming up is another story.
"Come on Kessa open the doh," he says, still tapping on the door.
"I'll be done in a minute," I say, spitting the toothpaste out and then wiping my mouth as I rinsed the toothbrush out and dropped it in the cup. "Don't get on my nerves man."
"I'm only here to tell you that Kevin is downstairs and he wants to talk with you," he says as I looked up at the mirror.
"I'm not in the mood for trash today JT," I say, wiping my mouth and walking into my room and then walking over to the door. "Why didn't you send him away or something?"
"He says he wants to see you," he says, shrugging his shoulders now.
I've been here in Orlando all week and Kess hasn't made time to even talk to me. I know she's mad about what happened last week and I know she's pissed off about what she thinks she knows about what went down with me and Howie, but she doesn't know everything. Since that day at sound check, she's been dropping these strange hints about what's going on with her but she won't just come out in say it. I know something's wrong but she's not talking and the way things are going, doesn't look like she's going to either since I've been here for twenty minutes already and she's still not down here.
I just hope she's going to finally talk to me today. I've called and called and I'm tired of getting the phone slammed down in my face. I don't see what the problem is. If she's mad about what she walked in on the other morning at the hospital, that was nothing, it was only a kiss to calm Alex down. She has no reason to be upset about that. It's not like she hasn't kissed any of her girlfriends before. I'm really getting tired of this crap and she needs to stop acting like a spoiled brat.
"What's taking them so long Brian?" I ask as Brian turned and looked at me.
"Calm down Kevin. You're a very lucky man you know that," Brian says, shaking his head now.
"What do you mean I'm a very lucky man?" I ask him as he sat down at the table with his glass of soda.
"You're lucky because JT allowed you to stay in here and he hasn't shot you yet," he says, looking at me funny as he took a sip of his soda. "JT knows what you did to Kess and he's not very happy about it."
"What the hell! It's not his business anyway," I say as Brian got up and hopped over to the other side of the room. "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting out of the way," he says, sitting down on the sofa in the room and propping his leg up on the table and then flinching in pain.
"For what Brian?" I ask him as I hear what sounds like heated voices upstairs.
"Kess is one of his best friend's man and you hurt her badly. She cried that morning she walked into Alex's room and saw you two kissing and with her already knowing about Howie, she was mad as hell. That alone was enough for him to cap you."
"I ain't scared of him," I say as a door slammed and I saw Kess coming down the stairs with an evil look on her face.
"Kessa wait," JT says as he tried to grab her arm and she snatched away from him. This doesn't look so good.
"What the hell are you doing here you bastard!" Kess shouts, getting up in my face now.
"I'm here to talk to you baby," I say as she glared at me, looking like she was ready to beat my ass now. "I've tried calling you and didn't get anywhere with that so I decided to come here instead."
"Maybe she didn't want to talk to you," JT says as I turned to look at him.
"Stay out of this man, this ain't your business," I say as JT raised an eye and looked at me funny.
"You have a point Kevin, it's not his business, it's ours and right now I'm not in the mood to deal with a bastard like you!" Kess shouts, pushing me backwards as I fell in the chair that Brian was just sitting in. "I don't know why you didn't take the hint and just left me the hell alone!"
"I can't leave you alone, I love you Kess," I say as she hauled off and smacked me across the face.
"You don't fucking love me asshole, you love anything with a fucking dick!" Kess shouts, turning around now as I hopped up and grabbed her hand. "Don't fucking touch me you fucking bastard!"
"Kess please..." I say as she shook her head at me.
"Please what Kevin? What you want me to do? Should I bend over so I can take it up the ass like one of the fucking guys you've been with? What do you want from me Kevin?" She asks, glaring at me so hard, I could catch on fire.
"I want you to love me Kess," I say as she shook her head at me.
"Sorry, that won't fucking happen!" She shouts, moving out of the way as I grab her hand again. "If you fucking touch me again I'm going to kick your ass!"
"Kess we don't need to be arguing, we need to be making love or something," I say as she moved out of the room now.
"Kevin why don't you just let this drop for right now," JT says, looking at me now.
"Stay out of this, I don't need your input in this matter," I tell him as he crossed his arms across his chest now.
"Excuse me, you happen to be standing in my house right now," he says, walking closer to me.
"I don't give a damn if it was Bush's house," I say as he held up a finger and then walked out of the room. "Thank you for fucking leaving. Kess please...please don't do this. I need you."
"You need something but it's not me Kevin," she says as she got up in my face again. "Leave me the hell alone and go find one of your men you fuck with!"
"Kess stop this. What you saw wasn't what you think," I tell her as her eyes widened.
"You lying muthafucka!" She shouts, smacking me again! "How stupid do you take me for?"
"I don't think you're stupid Kess," I tell her as she frowned at me.
"You think I'm something," she says, looking down now and rubbing her stomach. "Things would be different if I wasn't...wasn't...oh what the hell!"
"If you weren't what Kess?" I ask her as JT came back into the room carrying what looked like a gun. "What the hell is going on here?"
"What did you say to me a few minutes ago muthafucka?" JT asks, getting closer to me now as he cocked the gun and looked at me closely as Kess stepped out of the way.
"Ah...ah..." I stutter out but nothing was coming out.
"Where's all that mouf now Kevin?" JT asks, stepping directly in front of me now. "You don't talk to me no any kind of way in my own house man! What the hell's wrong with you? That's where I draw the line man and you best hope I calm my damn nerves before my damn fanga slip!"
"Come on man calm down. You don't have to hold that thing in my face like that," I say, mentally praying that he put the gun down.
"You don't tell me to fucking calm down in my own house!" He shouts, pushing me backwards as I stumbled and fell back into the chair. "Any damn last words Mister Richardson?"
"Baby stop, calm down now," Brian says, getting up now and hobbling over to JT. "You've scared him enough. Put the gun down baby."
"I'm not trying to scare him Brian, I'm gonna shoot him," JT says, side eyeing me now. "He came up in here acking all bad and shit. I'm going to cap his ass! I don't care if he is Kess' baby daddy!"
"JT!" Kess screams as I stared at her like she had an extra head. "You just can't keep yo damn mouth shut nigga!"
Lawd, I can't believe this nigga just put my business out in the streets like this. I can't tell this nigga nothing that I want him to keep secret. I'm going to have to beat his ass after this but first I think I'm going to have to deal with Kevin and the stupid fly catching expression on his face. Oh God, why is this so fucking hard? Lawd, I wish Nikki was here now.
"Kess what's going on? Does he mean what I think he means?" Kevin asks, walking past JT as Brian was trying to get him out of the room. "Is what he said true?"
"Yeah it's true Kevin," I say, looking down now.
"I...I...what the hell! Why didn't you tell me this Kess?" He asks, looking at me closely now, forcing me to look up at him. "Why did I have to learn that you were pregnant from JT of all people? Why couldn't you have told me yourself?"
"I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'd really care, seeing that you're in love with Howie and kissing AJ. Why would you even want to know anything about me when I don't have what it is you're looking for or want," I tell him as he shook his head at me.
"That's not true Kess and you know it in deep down in your heart that it's not," he says, looking at me closely.
"Man don't even try to play me! I saw you kissing AJ and I heard you and Brian talking about what happened between you and Howie! Hell even Howie confirmed that you and him were together damnit!" I shout, pushing him away from me.
"Kess we weren't together, I was high and..." he says as I shook my head again.
"You being high isn't a damn excuse Kevin! Hell if I was high, I would know not to bump pussies with some bitch!" I shout, turning away from him now.
"Kess please...please can we just sit down and talk about this?" He asks, pleading with his eyes to me.
"There's nothing to talk about Kevin," I say as he shook his head and took my hand in his.
"Please Kess, let's go somewhere and talk," he says as I looked at our hands and then back up to his face.
"Okay then but don't you try any funny stuff or I'll cut you," I say as his eyes widened and we walked towards the front door.
TO BE CONTINUED...
JT's Contact Information
|Yahoo IM||storywriterjt or jtpoole9_gmail|
I don't know any of the members of «N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned. I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay). This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that. This is for entertainment value only folks.