I'm lost, I'm lost without you baby, The days aren't the same the nights are cold and gray, I need you in my life, If not now then someday... --- Vanessa Williams
Lost Without You
by JT Poole and Nicole Brown
I've been back home for a week now and I still can't get over the fact that a person close to me is still in a coma, close to death even and the man I'd fallen in love with is a fucking freak. I just can't deal with that. Since all that shit happened, I've kept myself quite busy these past few months performing and working on my new album. I thought that if I can keep myself busy then I wouldn't think about what happened to Cameron or dwell on the shit with Lance.
I've been torn up about what happened to Cameron since I found out that he was hurt in the explosion that night five months ago. I feel it was my fault because I told him to meet me at the arena so we could talk about my situation with Lance. If I could take that day back I would. When I stopped off in Philadelphia to drop by to see her and give her the information I had obtained from the hospital about Cam, she literally broke down right there in front of me. I did what I could to calm her down but that wasn't going to happen and the way she was crying made me blame myself even more. I wish I never got him involved in my fucked up life now.
The way I feel right now I wish I never got involved with Lance. I still can't believe all the things that Chris and Josh said about him. With the way they were carrying on about things, I had no choice but believe them since they claim they saw the things he did to JT with their very own eyes. Also with the stuff that JT's friend Kess said, Lance did more than what Josh or Chris had ever known about. I'm still trying to process all the stuff I've learned and I still can't stomach the crap that they claim he did. In my eyes it's hard to believe that Lance could ever hurt JT the way they claim he did. From the way JT beat him up that night in our hotel room, I'm surprised that Lance or any other person could do the things to him I heard about. I just can't believe that anything the guys described could ever be done to him. I just can't see it.
Why is this crap happening to me? I love Lance, I really do but I can't deal with what I've been told. Why couldn't this shit happen to someone else? Why is it that when I choose to settle down with him I find out all this freaky stuff that I really didn't need to hear about. I guess its best that I found out about it all now instead of finding out about it like JT did. I just wish...wish I never found out any of this stuff at all.
"What's up with you Just?" Chris asks, walking into the room and sitting down on the sofa next to me. "You've been in here for over two hours in the dark bro. I came in to see if you wanted to go out for dinner or something."
"No, I don't feel like going out Chris," I say, getting up and moving away from him. "Just leave me alone, I need to be by myself."
"I'm not going to leave you alone Just so don't keep trying to push me away," he says, getting up and walking over to me. "I know you're hurting and I'm here to help you the best way I can."
"I don't fucking need help Chris!" I shout, pushing him away from me as I start crying again.
"Just please," he says, moving closer to me as I hold my hand out, motioning for him to get back. "Let me help you Justin."
"I just told you Chris, I...I don't need...need your help," I tell him as he moved closer to me and hugged me to him as he started rubbing my back.
"I know you don't," he says as I cried on his shoulder as he continued to rub my back.
I'm really getting tired of all the stress and drama that has been thrown at me lately. If I didn't know any better I'd say everyone around here has it out for me. Since I've been back here in the office people haven't said more than three words to me that were nice. If it's not work related, people don't talk to me at all in a friendly manor. What's really going on around this place? I know things were rocky around here when me and Justin broke up but I don't think these people would be holding on to a grudge, would they?
"Meredith could you please come in here for a moment," I speak into the intercom as I got up and walked over to the closet.
"Is there something you need Mister Bass?" Meredith asks, standing at the door, not coming into the room.
"Could you like come in please," I say as she smiled weakly.
"I'd prefer to stand right here," she says, crossing her arms over her chest now.
"Is there something wrong?" I ask her, turning around now. "What's going on around here?"
"What do you mean sir?" She asks as I look at her funny.
"When did I become sir and Mister Bass?" I ask her, stepping closer to her as I could see her tense up. "I've always been Lance, when did we get so formal around here?"
Something was clearly wrong here. She's looking at me like she wants to beat me down and gauging how she has her hands balled into fists under her arms, I'm sure that's what she's thinking. Maybe I need to back up and figure out what's going on.
"Meredith did I do something wrong to you?" I ask her, stepping back now. "Did I forget your birthday or something?"
"No sir my birthday hasn't arrived yet," she says, glaring at me now.
"Then what's the problem? Why are you looking at me like you can rip me a new one?" I ask her as she shook her head at me.
"Sir I have other things to do. What is it that you needed for me to do?" She asks, looking up at me now.
"It's getting close to lunch time and I'm free for lunch and thought we could go somewhere and chat," I say as she shook her head at me.
"I have plans sir," she says, turning around. "Will there be anything else?"
"N-no, that's all. I guess I'll grab some lunch and call it a day," I tell her as she turned around and walked away from the door.
I'll just go home and get something to eat and just hang out the rest of the day at the house since it seems I'm not liked around here. I don't know what her problem is but whatever it is seems to be spreading since everyone around here acts like that.
"This is just a fucking nice day all around!" Lance shouts, walking through the front door of his house. "I can't believe that people can be so fucking cold and rude!"
"What's your problem Scoop?" Joey asks, walking over to Lance and smiling at him.
"J-Joe what're you doing here?" Lance asks, looking at Joey funny now. "How did you get in here?"
"You know we all have a key," Joey replies, smirking now as Lance moved over towards the sofa.
"That doesn't answer why you're here Joe," Lance says, looking at him still. "What brings you all the way out to Los Angeles? I thought you couldn't leave Orlando."
"Naw I can leave Orlando Lancey, I'm just supposed to behave wherever I go," Joey tells him as he walked over to where Lance was. "Those bastards don't care where I go as long as I don't go anywhere near Howie or Kelly."
"Why Kelly?" Lance asks, looking down now.
"She got upset with me for fucking around with men so she threw me out and forbade me to go near her or Briahna," Joey says, sitting down next to Lance now. "To make things stick, she got a restraining order against me so I couldn't come near her or basically anyone that I know. So I decided to come out here to my good buddy Lance's place."
"Oh how nice," Lance says, looking down at the coffee table now.
"What's the matter Lance? You got something to tell me?" Joey asks, looking at Lance now. "Is there something you need to confess to me?"
At the sound of Joey talking like that, Lance's head shot up and he started shaking his head, indicating `no'. Lance couldn't speak right now; he was a little bit scared of what the man next to him was going to do to him since he was responsible for outing Joey to Kelly and the rest of their connected families.
"Are you gonna answer me Lancey?" Joey demanded, standing up now. "I know how to make you talk Lancey, you know I do. Just in case you've forgotten how to talk, I brought some company with me."
"Some company with you?" Lance asks weakly as Joey smiled, grabbed him by the arm and yanked him up, swatting his ass as Lance looked at him funny.
"I brought someone here just for you Lancey," Joey says, smirking now as Lance looked around the room, looking for any signs of who the person with Joey was. "You better speak to me Lancey!"
Without warning Joey gave another hard smack to Lance's ass. Lance was looking at Joey strangely now with fear and another strange emotion mixed in his eyes as Joey swatted his ass two more times.
"He really is a faggot Joseph," a voice says as Lance looked around at the person that walked into the room behind them. "He threw wood just from you popping his ass. I guess it's true that fags need that man to man contact."
"W-what the hell is she doing here?" Lance asks, looking at Paris Hilton walking closer to him and Joey as Joey starts howling in laughter.
"I told you I brought company with me," Joey says, trying to get his laughter under control.
"I don't know why he's acting, he wants me here," Paris laughed, walking over to Lance and pinching his nipple through his shirt. "He probably likes it rough! I bet he enjoyed that spanking very much. Just look at the bulge in his pants. He's hard as a damn rock."
"Is that right Lance?" Joey asks, smirking now. "Do you like getting hit by me?"
"Go on Lance tell him what you like," Paris says, leaning in close to Lance, licking his ear now as he made a nasty face. "Don't act like you didn't like that."
"Oh he liked it Paris," Joey says, grabbing Lance by the crotch now and pulling him closer. "He liked it very much, didn't you Lance?"
"Y-yeah I liked it," Lance says, frowning at Joey now.
"That's a good boy," Joey says, smacking Lance in the face now as Paris smiled at him and then stepped closer to the both of them as she pushed Joey out of the way and grabbed Lance's crotch this time.
There's only one more day to go before the weekend and I can hardly wait for it. So far this day has been long and boring. I always said that Thursday was the longest day of the week but then again that can be said about Mondays too. I'm sitting here at my desk killing time before it's time to go home when I see a strange letter sitting in the mail pile. Eyeing the letter closely, I notice that there wasn't a sender's name but I recognize the sender's address. This damn letter is from Freelance or mainly Lance. Opening the letter I see that it's another one of Lance's many letters claiming he's going to sue me and Brian for various things.
Last week he was talking of suing me for taking Diamonds away from his company and literally giving them to Jive and the week before that he was harping on his beat down and the week before that he was talking about he was going to sue me to get my stock shares of Freelance. The boy needs to sit his ass down before he gets himself permanently hurt. I don't take too kindly to threats and I might just call someone to do something about it. Fuck this madness; I'm bored and ready to go home. I'm going to blow up out of here and call it a day.
"Lorna I'm going to call it a day," I say, pressing the button on the intercom to let the new girl know I was leaving. "Could you forward all my calls to voice mail?"
"Sure thing Mister Poole," she says as I gather up my things to leave just as there's a knock at the door and Brian peeked his head into the room along with Chad.
"Well hello you two," I say, stopping what I was doing. "What are you doing here? I thought you had something to do after school young man."
"Not today daddy," Chad says, looking down and then back at me with a sad expression on his face. "I only have to work on Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
"So I see, why aren't you working off some of his debt today Brian?" I ask, looking at Brian as he shook his head at me. "He got a couple of thousands to work off you know."
"Baby we can talk about that some other time," Brian says, walking over to me and kissing my lips. "I came here so we can wait on you to leave."
"Well you're in luck handsome because I'm going home right now," I say as the letter from Lance falls to the floor and Brian bends down to pick it up.
"What's this baby?" Brian asks, looking at me and then the letter.
"It's another Lance original. This time he's threatening to sue me for the hospital bills he acquired while in Louisville and the other expenses he had to pay for therapy," I say, shaking my head now as he cracked a smile.
"It seems that boy doesn't learn," Brian says, shaking his head now too.
"I know baby. I said he should've kept that mouth of his closed and left me alone but he didn't listen to me. I gave him more than one warning to leave me alone but oh well," I say, taking the letter from him and throwing it in the trash pile in the corner as I laughed again.
"Well I'm glad you're finally laughing about this baby because it's starting to get on my nerves," he says, wrapping his arms around me now and kissing my lips again.
"Lance is getting on my nerves too, but I'm not going to let him bother me and you shouldn't either," I tell him as he smiled at me. "I'm just hoping that he'll do something again and he'll automatically cash in Nikki's ass whopping chip so she can get in that ass."
"I thought you beat him enough baby but I guess that didn't really do the trick. If Nikki gets to him, that's it," Brian says, looking over to where Chad was sitting with his Gameboy™.
"I really miss her. I can't wait for her to get back here. I thought she was going to be here to help me plan the wedding ceremony but I guess she's not going to be," I say as Brian looked away from me again as though he was hiding something.
"JT..." Brian says as he looks down now.
"Baby, is something wrong?" I asked, worried now because he seemed not to want to talk much about the wedding. "Did I say something wrong? I just wanted to talk about Nikki--you know how much she means to me. I just wish she was okay and not somewhere being held against her will by her crazy mama!"
"Baby I'm sure Nikki is fine," he said soothingly, rubbing my back now.
"How do you know Brian?" I asked, turning around, moving away from him and pacing again. I sat back down, resting against the back of the sofa. "I mean you saw how pissed off Jackie was when she left. Ain't no tellin' what she's done to Nikki since we last saw her. I just wish Nikki would call or send a smoke signal...hell something!"
"She will when she can," he stated, shushing me when I tried to argue again. "JT, Nikki is fine and she'll be home when she can...you just have to be patient."
"Brian, are you hiding something from me?" I asked, getting a niggling suspicion that he was. "You seem to know an awful lot about what's going on with my girl. Is there something you wanna tell me?"
"No there isn't," he replied, smirking as he kissed me on the cheek. "I just love you and I don't want you to be worrying about Nikki. She's with her Mom--somehow I doubt that even Jackie would do anything to hurt her baby girl."
"I guess," I stated, going back to my plans, but something tells me that my loving husband-to-be knows more than he's telling.
I sighed, grateful that JT seemed to accept my half-assed explanation, but felt a little guilty for lying to him the way I did. You see, I do know where Nikki is because she's been emailing me for the last two weeks. >From what she's told me so far, her Momma made her go into therapy to help her deal with what Nick did to her. She says she's doing a lot better, but that unless something happens to distract Jackie or get her away from the house where they're staying, there's really no way she can get back here...oh, and did I mention she's five months pregnant?
I just pray that she and the baby will be alright once they do come home--if they ever do, I thought as I made my way to the bedroom to check my email to see if Nikki has had the chance to sneak me another message.
Damn, I thought as I saw messages from everybody under the sun but the person I was hoping to see one from.
Subject: Calm Down Sugar
Hey honey. How are you? I know you're probably worried because I haven't sent you an email in a week or so, but it's been a crazy busy few days. My Mom and Dad have decided to leave me in the custody of her boss all day while they go out and get stuff done for their businesses. Robin has been placed under strict orders not to let me out of his sight under any circumstances, but they can't watch me 24/7 when they have songs to record and things like that. The best part is the fact that Robin is hella fine and he's starting to grow on me. He's really nice to me, he treats me like a princess, and man, am I starting to get even more spoiled than I was before. A girl could get used to this.
Anyway, baby and I are doing really well so far. The morning sickness from hell is finally over, so I'm able to be up and around for longer periods of time without doing the 20-yard dash for the bathroom. Robin brings me tea and crackers all the time, so I don't really have time to be nauseated. He even rubs the bump when I do feel sickish, so... ummm yeah. Oh! I've enclosed my latest bump pics so you can see how big I'm getting. I feel like a hippo, but Robin says I'm not all that huge. He's such a sweetheart.
Well, I don't have much time left before Thicke and Momma come back, so I'll wrap this up. Make sure you hug that crazy boyfriend of yours and kiss my little man for me.
Don't tell JT, but if I can get Mama to leave me alone long enough, I'm going to try to make it to the wedding. I've been practicing my song for you guys every night so I hope I sound as good as I used to. Tell Kessa to check her email!
I hit the "Send" button, closing out the web browser and bringing up my design software just as Robin walked into the room, followed closely by my mother and his bodyguard. I smiled in greeting at him, accepting his kiss on my cheek and moving over so he could sit next to me. I couldn't help but see the approving looks I was getting from the parental unit, and I promise you Jackie had to be on cloud 9 judging from the grin wrapped around her head.
"How are you Baby Girl?" Momma asked as she sat down. "You and my new grandbaby are looking real good... real good. How has Robin been treating you?"
"Fine--but I could have gotten the same treatment from JT and Brian in Orlando," I replied, with only the largest dose of sarcasm I could muster. I ignored for now the way Mama's eyes narrowed and greeted Robin. "So how did the session go today?"
"It went fine--and that's no way to talk to your mother Nicole," the man every woman in the world was feenin' for because of his silky sweet voice. "She only took you away from there because she thought it was the best thing for you, so be nice."
"Whatever Bird Man," I said with a grin. He smiled back, and something in his eyes made my heart skip just a little teeny, tiny beat. I took a cue from Mariah and shook it off. "Oh, before I forget, thanks to whoever put up my design table. Now I can get started putting some of my maternity designs on paper."
"You're very welcome," Robin said as he stood and stretched. "And I'd love to see some of the design when you're done... but right now, I need to get back. Are you coming Jackie?"
"I'll be there in a minute," Momma told him. He smiled at me one more time, which I couldn't help returning, and left the room followed by the human brick wall.
He's such a sweetheart, I thought, still smiling when I walked over to my work table, continuing to ignore the maternal person until by the way as I made myself comfortable as I grabbed a sketchbook and started to work.
"Alright, I'll bite... what's your issue?" I said finally when she'd sighed for about the five millionth time. You know, bugging my mother is one of my favorite past times, but she knows that I cannot stand it when she does the "50 Sigh" chorus.
"He'd make a good father for that baby you're carrying," she said by way of introducing her new favorite topic: Why You Should Marry Thicke. "He's smart, loves you to death, and he told me just yesterday that he'd be willing to back your fashion design house if your stuff is any good--and he could get your designs the attention they deserve. Hell, you remember how much Busta raved about your stuff after you dressed them on that video shoot."
"Momma, please just stop," I said tiredly, throwing my pencil down in irritation. "You know as well as I do that even if I do marry Robin I'd still have to go back to Orlando to face Josh and Nick about this baby. I can't hide here for the rest of my life."
"I don't see why you feel this insane need to run back there when you know Josh ain't gonna let you come back to Hawaii," Momma snapped, foul scowling at me. "I don't see him or that other bastard breakin' down the door to come find you."
"That's because you rushed my ass outta there so fast, he doesn't know where to look!" I hissed through clinched teeth, trying to keep my blood pressure to stay down. "And despite what you might think of him, JC does deserve to know that he might be a father. Maybe Nick doesn't, but I need to see them both to tell them before I could even think of moving on with Robin."
"Nikki, I know you love JC, but his actions of the last week you were with him should have told you how he really felt about you," Momma explained with that pseudo patience that drove me up the fuckin' wall every time she did it. I turned away from her, because I already knew what she was saying was the truth, but I just didn't want to hear it again for the thousandth time.
"Baby girl, I know you don't want to hear this, but listen to me," she said, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. "JC doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. Sure, he'll take the ass if you give it to him, but he wouldn't care about this baby--and she needs to have somebody around her who will love her... and who'll love and take care of her Momma too. I know you only want the best for her--just like I only wanted the best for you and your sister. So I want you to promise me that you'll at least consider getting to know Robin better."
"Momma, I just don't wanna get my heart broken again... and--"
"It's okay Baby--Robin isn't JC and he would never hurt you like that," she told me, leaning over to kiss my cheek before she left to rejoin Robin at the studio. "Just let your heart lead you in the right direction, and everything will be as it should."
I watched her leave and somewhere deep inside I knew what she'd told me was the truth, but something deeper told me that JC did love me. Maybe not like Momma would have wanted, but it was love.
But will that be good enough for this baby? My mind chided as I tried to concentrate on getting my ideas on paper. You know that even if you do allow yourself to love Thicke that Josh would move heaven and hell to be a part of this baby's life.
Who says he has to know? I thought, formulating a plan that might just allow me to have the baby and still have peace in my life. I might just be able to have my cake... and Robin Thicke too. Just have to get him to agree to what I'm about to do.
TO BE CONTINUED...
I don't know any of the members of «N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned. I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay). This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that. This is for entertainment value only folks.