Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 23:30:53 EDT
From: Lauren2993@aol.com
Subject: Lucky Me

Here it is people, number three.  I'm sorry it took so long, school's
horrible.  The material contained herein is completely fictional and is not
meant to imply anything about anyone involved.  As always, if reading
material about homosexual relationships bothers you, then BOY are YOU in
the wrong place.  I'd like to thank Sean, Rob, Matthew, *ahem* Shannon, and
DLS (in no particular order).  Also a big thanks goes out to all the people
who had heart enough to write me after that last chapter, and to those who
are now reading this even though I've taken well over two weeks getting
it out and am a horrible person.  And so without further ado . . .on with
the show.

Lucky Me -3-

An awkward silence befell the kitchen, and all that could be heard was
Joey's crunching.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Chris
eye-balling me, and he was making me nervous.  Justin walked in while
rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  He dragged his feet over to the fridge
and brought out a can of coke to start his day off on the right foot.  It
was only after he'd been leaning on the counter, while attempting to
wake up, that he noticed JC's eye.

Justin's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he rushed over to his
best friend.  "Man, JC, who did that to you?"

JC feigned a grin and said, "I did it to myself, Just." Justin
furrowed his eyebrows.  "No really," JC continued, "I did."

"Yeah," Chris interjected sarcastically, "he fell out of bed."

Justin looked at his best friend quizzically.  "You fell out of bed?"

JC sighed.  He detested lying. And having to do it now, especially to his
best friends, made him angry.  "Yes," he snapped, "I fell out of
bed.  Now can we all just get on with our lives?" JC stormed past his
friends, out of the kitchen, and up to his room.  I followed him.

The other three guys looked to Lance for some sort of explanation on their
friend's unexpected behavior.  Lance tried to sink into the floor as he
said, "I need to, uh, go have a shower." He grinned nervously and
quickly exited the room.

Chris, Justin, and Joey looked at each other and collectively shrugged
their shoulders.  Chris thought, "There's something goin' on with
the three of them, and damned if I'm not going to find out what it
is."

I caught up with JC just as he entered his room.  "What's wrong,
JC?" I asked his back.

He turned around and said, "Can you just leave me alone for a bit, Luke?
I need to sort some of this out.  I just need some time to think," he
explained as he sank down onto his bed.

"All right, JC.  I understand.  And thank you.  Ya know, for keeping my
secrets."

"No problem, Luke.  But why didn't you want anyone to know?  Why do
you care if the guys know you're gay?  Why didn't you want me to tell
Lance about Jason's hitting you?  I don't understand."

I hung my head and said quietly, "It's really complicated, JC.  But
thanks for doing it anyway." I looked up at him and attempted a smile,
but it didn't turn out that good.  JC nodded, and I left the room.  As I
proceeded out of JC's room, I smacked right into Lance who hadn't
been looking where he was going any more than I had.

"Oh, sorry Luke," he said as he reached up and scratched the back of
his head.  "Is JC okay?  That wasn't like him."

"Yeah he's fine.  He just needs to work some things out.  At least,
that's what he said." I shrugged my shoulders and looked back to the
floor.  "I don't think he liked lying," I almost whispered.

"Yeah, JC really does hate it when people lie." There was an awkward
silence for a while before Lance said, "Hey Luke, we need to go get your
car, don't we?"

I furrowed my eyebrows as I tried to shift gears in my mind.  "Uh, yeah
we do.  I forgot about my car.  It's still at the auditorium.  Would you
mind taking me there?" I asked with my eyes still glued to the floor.

"No problem," Lance smiled.  "Let's go." I followed Lance
down the stairs.  He stopped by the kitchen to tell the rest of the guys
where we were going, and soon we were on our way.

We got into Lance's 4Runner, and he pulled out of the driveway.  The
weight of the past 24 hours began to catch up with me.  I didn't cry, I
was past crying.  I was just trying to deal with it all.  I unknowingly
slumped down in my seat as I thought all the thoughts that were in my head.
I was completely unaware of Lance, or the fact that he was periodically
looking at me with a very worried expression on his face.  He wasn't
blind, he could see that I was depressed, and he wanted, more than
anything, to be able to take that pain away from me.  Lance hated seeing
people in pain.  But he didn't say anything for fear of depressing me
even more.

Twenty minutes of the half-hour ride was spent in silence until Lance got
up the nerve and whispered, "Luke, what's wrong." Lance expected
me to burst out crying again, but I didn't.  I took a deep breath and
calmly said,

"My whole life is falling apart."

Lance blinked and tried to take this in.  He tried to decipher its meaning,
but couldn't.  He had to know a little more.  He gently prompted me,
"What do you mean?"

"I mean my whole life.  Jason doesn't love me anymore, the guys
don't seem to like me, and JC probably hates me for making him lie.  My
whole life is just falling apart," I said as I raised my hands in a
symbol of defeat.

Lance could see that I was really distressed, but he also knew that I was
making my situation harder than it had to be.  He said, "Luke, I know it
hurts losing Jason.  I mean, I don't know, but I can imagine.  But it
will get better if you let it.  If you accept it, and you want to get over
it, you will.  I promise." Lance stayed silent for a little and let me
his advice soak in.  He continued, "The guys will warm up to you.
They're good people.  They just need to get to know you better.  And as
for JC," he paused.  "JC likes to have everything organized.  He
thrives on everything running smoothly, and when it doesn't, he has to
stop and think about how to get everything back to right.  You being here
has thrown a wrench in his gears.  That's all." He looked over to me
to see if he had helped.

I said, "Well, if it's upsetting him, maybe I shouldn't be
here." I sighed.

Lance's face hardened, and he looked back to the road.  "I'm not
going to dump you on the street, which is what I'd be doing since you
don't have anywhere to go." He paused and his face became a little
softer.  "I'm also not going to let you leave when you're so
vulnerable.  I just wouldn't feel like a decent human being if I did
that." He sighed, paused again, and his face became stern again.
"No, you're not leaving, Luke.  That's the end of it.  You're
just not." Lance pulled into the parking lot of the auditorium, and
parked next to my car.

I got out of his 4Runner, and drug my feet over to the driver's side of
my car.  I leaned against the door and got swallowed into my own world as
images flashed through my mind.  Lance came around to where I was standing
to find me staring off into space.  He sighed `What's wrong with
him?' he thought to himself.  He shook my shoulder lightly to get my
attention and said, "Luke, you really okay?"

My eyes focused onto him, and I sighed.  "Yeah, I'm all right." It
came out forced.

Lance was almost in tears.  He knew I wasn't all right, and yet he
didn't know what he could do for me.  He came closer to me and wrapped
his arms around me.  He whispered in my ear, "You'll always have me
if you need me.  I'll always be here for you."

My breath caught in my throat, and I fought back tears.  I wrapped my arms
around his waist and pulled him to me as my tears began to silently flow.
He just hugged me tighter.  We stayed that way for a long time.  Finally,
after what seemed like an eternity, I unwrapped myself from him, dried my
eyes with the back of my hand, and said, "I'll follow you back." I
turned around and climbed into my car.  Lance sighed as he walked back to
his 4Runner.  He didn't believe that I was okay.  But he didn't think
it would be right to keep asking me, so he left it alone.

*****

JC sighed deeply as I left his room.  He went over to the mirror, and he
took a good look at his eye.  It was very swollen now, and it was purple.
And it REALLY hurt, a lot.  He remembered the scene with Jason.  How he had
felt overpowered.  Jason was a lot stronger than himself, not to mention
drunk with abusive tendencies.  And even though Jason HAD been stronger, JC
had defended himself.  JC had gotten out of there with only a black eye.
It gave him a sense of strength.  A feeling like he could do anything.  He
laughed at himself, he knew he couldn't do ANYTHING.  But it was still a
nice feeling.

JC kept staring at himself in the mirror as he thought, `I can
understand why Luke wants to stay in the closet, but why wouldn't he want
Lance to know about what Jason did to him.  Lance knows everything else
about him.  I just don't understand.' He sighed.  "Well," he said
aloud to his reflection, "I guess that's not the point.  The point is
that he asked me not to say anything.  So, I'll just have to trust him."
He nodded to his reflection and smiled at himself.  He felt at ease again.

Chris came storming up the stairs and pushed JC's door open so that it
hit the wall with a loud BANG pulling JC out of his revelry.  He looked to
Chris and had to keep himself from laughing.  He could practically see the
smoke coming out of his friend's ears.

Chris fumed, "Okay JC, I want to know what's going on here, and I want to
know now."

"What are you talking about Chris?"  JC's eyes narrowed.

"About Luke.  I want to know where he came from, why he's here, and how you
got that black eye," Chris says pointing to JC's swollen eye.

"I told you, I fell out of bed," JC said feigning exasperation.

"You weren't even in bed last night, JC.  I saw Luke closing the door to
your room.  You didn't sleep in your bed last night, and so I KNOW you
didn't fall out of it.  So I know you're lying, and I'm pretty sure it's
got something to do with Luke.  Now tell me what's going on."

"I can't."  JC's eyes dropped to the floor.

"What?"  Chris asked incredulously.

"I can't," he repeated.

"Why not?"

"I promised."  He looked up into his friend's eyes.

"JC, we've never kept secrets, and we're not going to start now.  Tell me."
Chris was beginning to get very angry.

"I told Luke I wouldn't, Chris."

"JC . . ." Chris pleaded.

"Look Chris," JC asserted.  "I'm not going to tell you.  I'm just
not.  He asked me not to, and I'm not going to.  That's the way it is."

Chris saw that JC was really serious about this.  "Well, I guess I'll have
to respect that."

"Yeah, I guess you do."  JC glared at Chris until he left the room.

Once he was out in the hall, Chris thought, "But I don't have to respect
the way Luke's tearing this group apart.  And I'm going to do something
about it."

*****

Lance pulled into Justin's driveway and I pulled in right after him.  I
got out of my car, and walked into Justin's house, up the stairs, and
into the bathroom.  I didn't even bother to shut the door.  I just
stared at myself in the mirror.  Images of my mother came flooding back to
me.  How she had always been so supportive of whatever I did.  She had
always done her best to be both parents to me, since my father died.  And
then, one day, when I told her something I couldn't do anything about,
she turns on me and throws me out of the house.  She didn't love me
after all.

My mind changed over to the first time Jason had ever hit me.  It was three
in the morning, and Jason still wasn't home.  He called me earlier that
day to say he's be a little late, but he'd never been this late
before.  I was getting worried.  I was pacing around the living room making
his funeral arrangements in my mind when I heard the door open.  I ran over
to Jason and threw my arms around him.  Then I pulled away from him and
playfully hit his shoulder.  "Dammit, Jason.  Where in the world have
you been?"

He didn't answer me, he just walked past me into the living room. I
didn't notice it then, because I was too focused on his whereabouts, but
he was dead drunk.  I walked after him, and said, "I've been so
worried about you.  Where have you been all night?  What have you been
doing, Jason?" He didn't answer me.  "Jason," I said again,
"Where have you . . ." I was interrupted my the back of his right
hand coming across my face.  I was stunned.  It didn't hurt all that
much, but he'd never hit me before.  I just lay there, splayed across
the couch, where I'd fallen, with my hand on the place he'd hit me
looking up at him.

He looked down on me and smirked, "God Luke, your so pathetic."

The word `pathetic' rang in my ears.  It was all I could hear.  I
didn't hear Lance calling my name from outside the bathroom door when
he'd seen me there.  I didn't hear him come in.  I didn't even
feel it when he put his hand on my shoulder, nor did I hear when he called
my name the first dozen times.  All I could hear was `pathetic,
Pathetic, PATHETIC.  YOU'RE SO FUCKING PATHETIC!!  PATHETIC!!!
PATHETIC!!!'

I snapped back to reality and realized that I was being shaken.  My head
was lolling back and forth, and all I could think was, `Jason.' I
recoiled from the person who was shaking me, who was Lance, but I didn't
know that, and I smacked into the bathroom wall behind me.  Instinctively,
I curled up into the little ball that saved my life countless times with
Jason.

Lance stood there stunned.  He couldn't speak, or move.  He saw me
huddled on the bathroom floor, having pulled away when he'd shaken me
out of a stupor.  He walked over to where I was crouched, and knelt down
next to me.  He put his hands on my back, the only part of me available,
and he said, "Luke . . .Luke . . ."

I stuttered, "Jason, go away, Jason . . . leave me alone."

Lance soothed, "No, it's me, Lance.  It's Lance.  Luke, Jason's
not here.  It's Lance."

Somehow, I heard him, and I cautiously uncurled myself.  I sat against the
wall and pulled my knees up to my chest.  I began rocking back and forth.
Lance knelt in front of me.  "Luke," he said very quietly, "do you
want to talk about it?"

I just shook my head furiously.

He said, "You know I'm always here for you.  If you ever need me,
I'm here.  I always will be." I stood up and began walking out of the
room, but he got in front of me again.  "Luke, talk to me!"

"No, I don't deserve this.  I don't deserve you." I ran out of
the bathroom, crying.  Lance just looked after me.

TBC . . .

I know it's short, guys.  Sorry, but it had to be written to explain
some things.  As always, I appreciate ANY and ALL comments you have to
make.  Just e-mail me at Lauren2993@aol.com.  Love you all, -Lauren