I honestly don't think it was intentional on my part, but I know I am the one to blame for things going back to the way they were before Scott had taken his trip home. I found myself delving into song writing. I would write with anyone who was willing. With Scott starting to work on the official BSB site, our time together faded to nearly nothing. Both of us would flop down on the bed either in the bus or hotel room and that was our alone time. We never did get a chance to really sit down and talk. I think subconsciously I was avoiding it, because I really didn't know what to tell Scott. He is the most important person in my life, but was he the most important thing in my life? I'd like to think so, but my fear of being outed made me unsure. I watched us fall into the pattern as Scott went out with the guys to movies, or just to play some pick-up. I wanted to join them, but just couldn't force myself. I could feel the stress quickly building and wondered how long it would take for things to explode.

My world began to crumble two weeks after Scott came back. Scott and I had entered a state of simple co-existence. Nothing more than a quick peck on the lips had happened for over a week. Scott approached me and I could see the hesitation and sadness in his eyes. I knew it was something bad.

"Brian, Love, can we talk?" he asked softly. I looked at him with all the love I felt for him, knowing he was hurting.

"Sure Scott, Lets go into the other room," I suggested, wanting some privacy for what was about to happen.

Scott walked ahead of me, and I watched his back. I could see the tension in his muscles and knew he was fighting his emotions. I wished I could make things better, but I just didn't know what to do. He walked over to the window and stood with his back to me. I couldn't approach him. Instead I sat down and waited for him to speak.

Finally he broke the silence. "You know how much you mean to me don't you Love?" he asked softly.

I clenched my teeth and blinked back tears. "Scott?" I finally whispered, wanting him to look at me.

Scott continued, but didn't turn around. "Brian, please. Just let me finish." He paused. "I'm going to go home."

I was quiet, processing what he was saying. He had just been home for a few weeks, so why was he going back? Finally he turned around in front of the window and looked at me. All I could do was stare at him. "You mean you're going to go home for another visit? For how long?" I asked.

I could see him clench his fists and he shook his head. "That's not what I mean Brian." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm going to go home. I can't keep doing this." I froze as he took another deep breath, trying to get himself under control. "Brian, I love you more than anything, and I know that you and I are meant to be together. But this is getting too hard. It's getting too hard to go out with the other guys, to go out even by myself and be afraid. Be afraid of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing. Of looking...of looking at you wrong and having somebody know...having somebody in the press know. Because I know that would destroy you. And that would kill me."

I remained silent, digesting his words. What could I say? I was stunned that he was actually planning on leaving, but how could I blame him? I stared at the rug.

"Brian," Scott's voice broke, "I don't know how to explain this to you. Every time Nicky and I go out, or every time AJ and I go out, I feel like I'm looking over my shoulder. I'm afraid to speak because I know that the person standing beside me, or behind me, could be a reporter. Then they would find out about you, and you would be destroyed. Your career would be ruined. And I know your career means everything to you." I wanted to deny his words, but I couldn't speak.

I finally looked up from the carpet into his eyes. I couldn't stop the tears from falling, but I ignored them. "Is this about me coming out?" I asked softly trying to understand exactly what he was saying.

Scott shook his head. He walked over and knelt in front of me, grabbing my hands in his. "No Brian, it's not about that, and it's not about laying blame either. I know that you aren't ready to come out, and that you're afraid it will ruin your career. And I would never ask you to do that. But being around you, like this, is not good for me. I guess you could say its about pride. You being proud of who you are, me being proud of who I am, and being proud of who we are as a couple. And we can't do that. I understand why you have to...why you feel you have to keep me a secret, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. And having to spend all my time in a hotel room with you because we're afraid to be seen in public together, its...its eating me up. I think we just need some space. I think I need some space."

I looked down at our clenched hands. "You said you would never leave me," I whispered.

Scott sighed and reached up to brush some of my tears away. "I know I did Love. But how much good would a boyfriend who's dead inside be to you. I just can't keep doing this. I think we both need to rethink this. I will never stop loving you. But I can't be with you right now. I have to figure out...I have to figure out who I am now. I've lost track of that. I used to know. But right now, all I am is Brian Littrell's boyfriend and that's not enough for me." I could feel my stomach contract at his words. It was true, it was my fault. I was placing my career before him and couldn't make that final decision about what was more important. But it still hurt. I pulled my hands out of his. He sat back on his heels and bowed his head. I stood up and walked over to the window.

Both of us were silent. I stared out the window at nothing as I felt my heart breaking inside. But how could I ask him to stay when he was so unhappy and I couldn't fix things? "When are you leaving?" I asked softly.

I could hear him get to his feet. "I was planning on leaving tomorrow," he said.

I spun around to look at him. "Tomorrow! God Angel, how long have you been thinking about this?" I asked in disbelief.

"Brian love, things have been hard for the last few months," he said gently. I knew it was true but refused to believe it. "I know you haven't noticed and I haven't said anything. After the accident...when I came back after the accident, I thought that things maybe would change. But if anything, they're worse. The media is paying more attention wondering why somebody who is designing websites is so important to all of you guys. I mean there are lots of web designers out there. You could have easily hired somebody new. But you waited for me to come back. And that's got the media curious. And you know when they're curious they start to dig. I'm sure some of them already know that I'm gay. I never hid that. How long do you think it will be before they start making innuendoes and writing lies?"

"So is this about your reputation?" The words were out before my brain could recognize how outrageous they were.

Scott winced, but didn't lash out. "You know me better than that Love," he said softly. "It's about your reputation," he said.

Scott raised his gaze from the rug and our eyes met. I walked back over to stand in front of him as he stood. All I could offer him was my acceptance for the time being. But I think it was at that moment that I finally knew, I wanted love more than my career. I just had to figure out how to get and keep it. I finally nodded.

"You have to do, what you have to do, Angel," I said quietly.

I know he wasn't expecting that response. But what else could I say? He stared at me and the sadness in his eyes bored into my soul.

I didn't mean to flinch when he reached out to touch my cheek, but I had to stop him. "Don't!" I whispered and looked away. I knew that if I felt his hand on me I would get down on my knees to beg and plead with him to stay. I watched him drop his hand and turn to the door, but not before I saw the hurt on his face.

He paused. "You will always be my Love," he murmured without turning, then walked out the door, taking my heart and soul with him.

I couldn't stand any longer and simply collapsed to the floor. The sobs I had been valiantly holding back finally broke through and I wept. I was oblivious to anyone or anything around me, lost in an agony of my own making.

Eventually, hands lifted me off the floor and walked me over to the bed. I looked around and saw my four best friends.

"What happened Bri?" Kevin asked softly.

I wasn't sure I could speak. "He's leaving," I finally managed to whisper.

"What? Why?" Nick asked, his outrage on my behalf was sweet.

I sniffled and gratefully accepted a tissue from Howie. "He said he's losing himself. He feels like a second-class citizen. He hates being afraid to go out and be himself, in case someone from the press is lurking. And the way I've been treating him hasn't helped," I added, admitting to my part in the problem.

The guys were all sitting on the bed trying to comfort me. After a few minutes a thought occurred. If they were all with me, who was with Scott? He didn't have any real friends in the crew because he spent all his time with us. I looked at the guys. I couldn't ask Kevin because that would put him more in the middle than he already was because of Sheri. And I knew Nick was too close, trying to be loyal and defend me. Howie and Scott had become friends, but not that close. That left AJ. He had a vested interest in making sure Scott was okay because I knew Drew would raise hell if anything happened.

"AJ?" I said softly. He moved closer to me. "Will you do something for me?" I asked.

AJ nodded solemnly. "You know it B."

"Will you try to find Scott and make sure he's okay? He said he was leaving in the morning, and I know his stuff is already packed. I just don't want anything to happen to him," I explained.

"Who gives a fuck about Scott!" Nick exclaimed.

I glared at Nick. "Nicky! Despite what happened I love Scott, and I know he loves me too. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I can't or won't worry about him," I admonished.

Nick sighed in frustration but nodded. I looked back at AJ. "Okay B. I'll see if I can find him. If I do, what should I do with him tonight?" he asked.

I had to think. I didn't think either Scott or I could face each other this soon. "I'll put his luggage in the lounge. Can you find him a place to sleep tonight?" I asked. AJ nodded and slid off the bed. I flopped back on the mattress once he was gone. "Guys, can I be alone for a while?" I asked softly. I had some tough things to think about and really didn't want anyone around.

Nick looked like he was about to protest, but Kevin (thank you cousin) shook his head. He pulled Nick off the bed and led him to the door. Once Howie and Nick were out of the room, Kevin turned back to me. "Is there anything I can do Bri?" he asked quietly.

Sure, stop Scott from leaving, I thought. I shook my head. "Thanks Kev, not right now. I just need to do some thinking." Kevin nodded and left, closing the door behind him.

Despite my words to Kevin, I was too numb to really think. I guess I had taken Scott for granted. I assumed he would be there, regardless of how I treated him. That was obviously not true. For a while, I simple lay on the bed thinking back to all the time Scott and I had spent together. The good times made me smile. But all too soon, I remembered that damn press conference that had made me so paranoid. I tried to examine why I was so afraid of my sexuality getting out. Yes, aside from a few more mature singers like Elton John, KD Lang and Melissa Etheridge, there weren't many open gay or bi singers. Then I remember Stephen Gately. He had been forced to come out. I wasn't sure how much it had affected his career, but I knew homosexuality was more broadly accepted in England and Europe than in North America.

My mind was darting all over the place and things weren't making any sense. Finally I drifted into a restless sleep. I have no idea how long I was asleep before a nightmare woke me. I honestly can't remember what it was about. All I know is I woke up crying, nearly hysterically.

I sat up in bed trying to get my breath back. I glanced up as I heard the door open hoping against hope that it was Scott. It wasn't. Nick hesitantly walked into the room. He saw the tears streaming down my face and rushed over to the bed.

He sat down on the side and hugged me. "Damn I hate him," he whispered.

I struggled out of his grip and looked at him intently. "No Nicky you don't," I said. I covered his mouth when he tried to protest. "Nicky, you know you are my best friend and like a little brother to me. I love you for trying to defend me, but you know as well as I do that I hold the majority of responsibility here. Yes maybe Scott could have done things differently, but I'm the one who has been pulling away and keeping my distance. I don't want you to hate him. He's been a very good friend to you, and we need all the friends we can get," I said. Talking had calmed me down, and I realized how true my words were. It would be easy to tell my self that I hated him. But I couldn't.

Nick watched me thoughtfully. "Okay, fine I don't hate him. But I hate what he's done!" he added childlike and I smiled fondly at him.

"Me too Nick."

Nick stood up and looked down at me. "Do you want me to go?" he asked softly.

I looked up at my `little brother' who was a good half-foot taller than me. "Remember when we started out and sometimes you got home sick and just wanted someone to stay with you?" I asked remembering that scared little boy. Nick smiled in remembrance and nodded. "That's how I feel right now," I whispered.

Nick knew what I was saying. He kicked off his shoes and walked around to the other side of the bed. He lay down on his side and rubbed my shoulder. "Everything will work out Bri, I promise," he murmured.

Those words broke me. I rolled over on the bed and tucked my head against his shoulder before the sobs began to wrack my body. Nick wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly, until I exhausted myself and drifted back to sleep.