Millennium Love Brian 38

The worst thing about Scott being gone was the emptiness I felt. I never realized how much I depended on him to be around. I'd come back from a rehearsal or press conference and have a funny story to tell. Scott always used to sit down and listen, laughing at whatever had happened. Now when I returned to the hotel or climbed onto the bus, who did I have to share with? The other guys already knew what happened.

I found myself withdrawing to the back of the bus. I started pulling out packages of developed film, looking at pictures Scott had taken while we were in Europe, Asia and a few in the U.S. Very few of the pictures had Scott in them, but those that did, I put in a separate pile to keep with me.

God I missed him so much.

After five days without him I wondered if the ache in my body and soul would ever stop. The other guys tried to be as supportive as they could. It was hard on Nick. I knew he and Scott had developed a very close friendship, and Nick was feeling betrayed. I think deep down he understood Scott's decision to leave, but it didn't lessen his hurt. I started spending my free time with him, trying to keep him busy. It helped keep me busy too. Nick asked me a couple of times what he should tell Nora. She emailed him regularly, and always asked how Scott and I were doing. I told him not to say anything yet, I wasn't ready to let anyone else know.

I hadn't even called my Mom and Dad to tell them. I guess I was in denial. I don't know if I was hoping that by ignoring it, the pain would go away, or perhaps I was hoping Scott would suddenly change his mind. That didn't happen.

Almost a week after Scott left, Kevin walked on to the bus with a personal mail call. Our management always forwarded letters and packages from family and real friends separate from the bags of fan mail. Kevin handed out a few letters to everyone then passed me a larger envelope.

"Thanks Kev," I said quietly. He smiled and walked to a chair to sit and read his own mail.

I glanced at the return address and nearly dropped the envelope. It was from Scott. I picked up the rest of my stuff and walked to the back lounge. Whatever Scott had to say, I didn't want the rest of the guys to see me fall apart if it happened.

I opened the envelope and emptied the contents onto the table. There was a picture and a note. I picked up the note and read it. Love, I will always remember. Your Angel, Scott. I blinked back the moisture in my eyes and turned the picture over. It was a screen capture of me staring into the camera. I looked closer and recognized the set. It was from the Much Music awards last year…when I had first met Scott. Our anniversary. I had to close my eyes as the memories came rushing back about our first meeting, and our first kiss. Everything we had shared during the past year. I couldn't accept that it was gone. And if the letter and picture were any indication, neither could Scott. I knew that the proverbial ball was in my court. I had to decide what I wanted, and make it happen.

I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, prepared to write a note back to Scott. But then, words and phrases started to pop into my thoughts. Lyrics suddenly started to flow from me. In my head, I could hear music, surrounding me, filling my heart with hope. I scribbled it all down.

Even a lover makes a mistake sometimes ~~ Like any other ~~ Fall out and lose his mind ~~ And I'm sorry for the things I did ~~ For your teardrops over words I said ~~ Can you forgive me and open your heart once again, oh yeah

It's true ~~ I mean it ~~ From the bottom of my heart ~~ Yeah, it's true ~~ Without you I would fall apart

Yeah, yeah

Whatever happened ~~ I know that I was wrong, oh yes ~~ Can you believe me ~~ Maybe your faith is gone (Oh yes it is) ~~ But I love you and I always will ~~ So I wonder if you want me still ~~ Can you forgive me and open your heart once again, oh yeah

It's true ~~ I mean it ~~ From the bottom of my heart ~~ Yeah, it's true ~~ Without you I would fall apart

I'd do anything to make it up to you ~~ So please understand ~~ And open your heart once again

It's true ~~ I mean it ~~ From the bottom of my heart ~~ Yeah, it's true ~~ Without you I would fall apart

It's true ~~ I mean it ~~ From the bottom of my heart ~~ Yeah, it's true ~~ Without you I would fall apart

Oh yeah, it's true

I sat back stunned by my wave of inspiration. I reread the words and realized it described my feelings for Scott and what had happened to our relationship, perfectly. I grabbed another piece of paper and wrote a brief note to Scott. The song, I folded up and put in my pocket. I would have the guys look at it later and then talk to some of our musicians about music for it.

It was later that evening, while we were on the bus that my phone rang. I walked to the back lounge before I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi Brian Love." My heart soared.

"Angel!" I breathed softly, afraid that I was dreaming. "Happy anniversary Scott. I got your gift. Thank you!" I added quickly, wanting to keep him on the line.

"You like it? I happened to put the tape on and saw you. It brought back so many great memories of this past year," Scott said.

I knew what he meant. The picture had brought back memories to me too. "It has been a good year overall hasn't it Scott?" I asked quietly.

"I think so," he murmured.

Thank you God. I took a shaky breath before I could continue. "I miss you," I whispered, too close to tears.

"I miss you too," Scott whispered back. I could hear tears in his voice too.

I wasn't sure what else to say. I knew Scott was waiting for me. "Don't give up on me Angel, please," I begged. "Please."

"I won't Love, I promise," Scott whispered. "I have to go, Bri. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Okay," I said faintly. "Scott?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you," I murmured softly.

Thankfully he answered. "Love you too," he said softly then hung up the phone.

The brief note and phone call from Scott had lifted my spirits incredibly. Despite the fact that we weren't celebrating our first anniversary together, he had given me hope that future anniversaries may still happen.

The next couple of weeks I threw myself into the tour whole-heartedly. At the same time, I was devising a plan in my mind. I knew the first thing I would have to do is talk to my parents and brother, then the rest of the family. If I even wanted to consider coming out publicly, I had to let my family have a say about the possible repercussions.

I put in a phone call to my parents asking them to arrange a family meeting. My Mom immediately picked up on my reasons and asked if I was sure. I told her there was not a doubt in my mind. It was the only way to get Scott back. And I had finally realized the truth. Backstreet was simply a career. Yeah, the traveling and performing was fun. But I knew it was short lived. We only had another 2, maybe 3 albums left before we were history. But Scott was my future. I'd rather shorten my career than lose a lifetime of love and happiness.

I knew the guys knew what I was working on, but I still felt I should talk to them directly. So at the next stop on the tour, I called a group meeting. I could have done it on the bus, but if tempers flared, the bus was too confining. At least at a hotel someone could go for a walk to cool down. Not that I was expecting problems, but you never know.

We checked in to the hotel in late afternoon. The concert was the next day so we had the rest of the evening to ourselves. I arranged for room service then waited for the others to arrive. Half an hour later the five of us were sitting around the lounge room, eating.

I finally broke the silence. "I guess you guys know what this is all about. At Thanksgiving, when we have four days off, I'm flying home to meet with all of my family. I want to come out publicly," I said.

The silence resumed as the others kept eating.

"Well?" I asked in exasperation.

They looked at me. "Well what, Brian? We told you months ago that we would support you no matter what. That hasn't changed as far as I'm concerned," Kevin said.

"Me neither," Nick added.

I looked at Howie and AJ. "Don't look at me," Howie said with a grin.

"Hey you know I'm on your side B," AJ said with a smirk.

I sighed softly. I hadn't expected a problem and was relieved my 'brothers' followed expectations.

"So how are you going to do this?" Howie asked.

I shook my head. "I haven't a clue," I admitted. "Once I talk to the family, and deal with their concerns, then I can focus on convincing Scott I'm serious. I don't want to hide him. Whether we hold a press conference and announce our relationship or simply start being seen in public… that's something Scott and I will have to decide."

"Well you know if you need anything, we're here to help," Nick said sincerely. "I'm not angry at Scott any more. I just miss him," he added softly.

That brought a watery smile to my face. "I miss him too."

The meeting broke up and the others convinced me to go out to a club with them. I went, but my thoughts were constantly on Scott.

At the end of October, over a month since Scott left, our tour was taking me back to him. We had a concert scheduled for November 11 in Toronto, so the week before, I emailed Scott and asked him to attend. I wanted to see him so much. I missed hearing his voice, and seeing his smile. I even missed the practical jokes he and Nick had pulled on each other and the rest of us.

The next morning I was excited to discover a reply from Scott. My excitement disappeared quickly as I read his message. Oh God, he wasn't coming. I could feel his pain in his words as he explained how much it would hurt to see me, then have to go back to the way things have been. I didn't realize I had tears running down my face until Nick gently touched my shoulder.

"Bri?" he said softly.

"Scott's not coming," I said softly.

Nick sat down beside me. "What?"

I wiped the wetness from my cheeks. "I invited him to come to the concert next week in Toronto. He said he couldn't. He needs time. He said it would hurt too much," I said as fresh tears began to fall. I hated being the cause of Scott's pain.

Nick put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed. "I'm sorry Bri," he murmured.

I pulled myself together. "Its okay. As long as he doesn't give up on me. Once I settle things with my family, we'll be together," I said, trying to project confidence I didn't quite feel.

Nick smiled encouragingly. "He won't give up Bri. He loves you."

I had to smile at Nick's words. I just hoped they were true.

I made it through the next few days, but began to feel nervous as we made our way to Toronto. I was so close to Scott. I could almost sense him, but I wouldn't be able to see him or touch him. I forced myself to concentrate on the press interviews, rehearsal and the concert. I didn't even bother looking for Scott during the concert because I knew even if he was there, I wouldn't be able to see him among the thirty thousand fans. I couldn't help but hope that he might show up backstage afterwards, but he didn't.

The worst part was being stuck in the city for an extra day. We were doing an individual photo layout that was going to take most of the day. Nick was lucky and went first, giving him the rest of the day to play tourist. Even if I was free I didn't want to see the city; not without Scott.

We were all back on the bus in early evening ready to move on to the next venue. I was both happy and sad to leave Toronto behind.

"Bri?" Nick sat down beside me as I gazed out the back window of the bus watching the city disappear.

I turned to look at him. "Hey Nick."

"I…um…I have something to tell you. I…ah…I hope you aren't angry," he said hesitantly.

I looked at him curiously. "What's wrong Nick?"

He raised his eyes to meet mine. "I took a little drive today," he admitted. I suddenly had a feeling I knew what was coming. "about seventy miles north," he added, and I knew I was right.

I inhaled sharply. "You saw him?" I asked excitedly. Nick nodded. "How was he?" I was eager for any news about Scott.

Nick smiled. "He's okay. You're not mad?"

I smiled and shook my head. "How can I be mad? I wish I could have been there too, but he probably wouldn't open the door."

"I convinced him to come to Orlando for the December first concert," Nick added.

My eyes widened. "Are you serious?" I asked excitedly, jumping up and pulling Nick up into a hug. "That's fantastic!" I was grinning wildly and laughing, and soon Nick joined in. The others came to the back lounge to see what was going on.

I told them the good news and they all smiled.

Thankfully the next couple of weeks flew by. I was grateful and extremely nervous when the four-day Thanksgiving break came. More than anything I wanted to be able to tell Scott that my family supported us. But I knew that even if they didn't, I wouldn't, I couldn't keep Scott out of my life. I was willing to come out, with or without my family.

I was excited and nervous about going home. It was nice to have the break from touring and to be able to see my family, but I knew things could turn ugly when I announced my intentions. After talking to my mother, I planned to wait until the day after the family dinner to talk to the adults in attendance. I would be arriving home the day of the large meal so I wouldn't get a chance to talk to Mom or Dad first. But they pretty much already knew what I was going to do.

I walked through the airport to the agreed-upon entrance and saw my brother waiting for me. It was really great to see him.

"Hey big bro!" I greeted him with a grin and a hug.

"L'il bro, good to see ya!" he said with a smile. "You got everything?" he asked looking at my small suitcase.

"Yeah. Lets get out of here," I said and walked to the door.

Harold waited until we were in the car before beginning the round of questions that I knew was coming.

"So how goes the tour?" he started with.

I shrugged. "Its good. Long and tiring though," I added.

"Talked to Scott at all?" he asked suddenly. I grinned. I thought he would ask a few more boring questions before delving in. Guess not!

"I haven't spoken to him since our anniversary," I admitted. "But he has agreed to come to Orlando next week for our concert!"

Harold looked over at me. "That's great Bri," he said sincerely.

I gazed out the window at the familiar scenery. "Harold, you've been around the rest of the family more than I have lately, how do you think they will react? I want to give them a chance to prepare themselves, but I've decided to go public regardless of what they say," I told him quietly.

Harold was silent for a couple of minutes. "I honestly don't know, Brian," he admitted. "For the most part everyone was supportive when you told them you are gay, right?" I nodded. "I think most will support this decision too. There may be a couple who will argue, like Uncle John and Aunt Joyce. But it's your life Bri. You don't have to warn them what may happen. You're doing this because they are family and you're trying to protect and help them. Don't let anyone get to you. Okay?"

I grinned and nodded. "I won't bro. Thanks for being on my side," I said sincerely.

Harold grinned. "No problem Bri!"

We fell silent after that. I actually began to fall asleep, as we got closer to home.

Harold gently shook me awake when we pulled up in front of the house. I stretched and climbed out, preparing myself for the craziness that was my family.

I was greeted by a hoard of kids first, then the rest of the adults, turning the next few hours into a blur. Thankfully everyone knew that Scott and I were working a few 'problems' out and no one asked me questions about him. When the meal was finally over and most of the visiting relatives had headed home or to bed, I was finally able to relax.

I said goodnight and headed up to my bedroom. But once there I couldn't sleep. Ghosts of the previous Thanksgiving haunted me. The memory of the wonderful time I'd had, with Scott by my side, brought tears to my eyes. After lying awake on the bed for over an hour I decided to get up and make myself some hot chocolate. It made me feel closer to Scott remembering late nights when we would sit around, him drinking his tea, and me drinking chocolate.

I put the kettle on and sat down at the kitchen table to wait for it to boil.

"Brian?"

I turned to see my Mom in her pyjamas, standing in the doorway. "Hey Mom," I greeted her.

She walked into the kitchen and over to me. "Can't sleep?"

I smiled ruefully. "Too many memories," I admitted.

"Is that all?"

I sighed. "Mom, I really think this is the right answer," I said softly.

"For you, or for Scott?" she asked.

"Both," I said with certainty. I shrugged. "How can I explain it? Before I told you and Dad, I felt like I was walking around in shadows, hiding myself. When I finally told you, I felt so liberated; I could hold my head up and look you in the eye. But now, I feel like I'm back in the shadows again. I want to be able to walk down the street with Scott and not feel like I'm looking over my shoulder. I want to be able to stand in line for a movie and hold his hand." I stood up and walked over to the kettle and poured the boiling water into my cup. "I'm not blind to reality Mom. I know that many people will hate Scott and I. I know that it could end Backstreet. But everyone knows Backstreet won't be forever. I hope that Scott and I will be." I stopped stirring the chocolate and looked at my Mom. "I'm not willing to give up forever, Mom. Not for anyone. Can you understand that?" I asked hopefully.

She watched me closely then finally nodded. "I do understand Brian. You know you have my support, one hundred percent. But you're my son, and I just wish I could make this easier for you," she said softly.

I walked over and hugged her tightly. "Thanks Mom," I whispered and kissed her cheek. I sat down at the table and she joined me. We talked about the rest of the family and how the dinner had gone. For one night, I wanted to forget about what was to come.

I finished my hot chocolate, gave my mom another kiss then walked back up the stairs to my room. I was glad I'd been able to talk to my mom before the family meeting. I knew she would help me and support me if anyone started to argue.

The hot chocolate helped me relax and I was finally able to drift off to sleep, hugging a pillow in my arms instead of the man I wanted to be there.

I was more nervous about having to face the family than I had thought. I watched from the study upstairs as people began to arrive. I was grateful when I saw Kevin, Anne and Tim arrive. I needed all the moral support I could get.

When I couldn't delay the inevitable any longer I inhaled deeply and walked downstairs to the living room. Everyone knew that I had asked for the family meeting, but didn't know all the details. I stood over in front of the fireplace until everyone quieted and looked at me.

"Gee, I'm more nervous now than I am performing in front of 30,000 screaming fans," I admitted, thankfully that everyone laughed or smiled. "I..um…I guess you know that this is my show. Um, there isn't an easy way to say this." I glanced at my Mom and Kevin who both smiled their support. "I don't want to hide my sexuality from the rest of the world anymore," I finally blurted out. A number of people began to talk quietly.

"Why?" my cousin Jerold asked calmly, silencing the voices.

I smiled. "Why? A number of reasons really. But mainly, I'm tired of hiding and I don't want to lose Scott."

"Where is Scott?" One of my cousins asked.

I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. "Scott is in Toronto. We haven't been together for the last couple of months. That is one reason I want to stop hiding. I love Scott, and I want to commit to him for the rest of my life. But right now, that's impossible. People see us together then suddenly all kinds of rumours fly. The problem is that I've been so afraid of those rumours I've been ignoring Scott, trying to maintain our image. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to Scott."

"So why the family meeting?" My Grandma asked.

I smiled at her. I knew she was on my side too. "Because if Scott and I do go public, things are going to get crazy. And ya'll are my family. You need to be prepared."

"Things like what?" Another of my cousins asked.

Kevin stood up, drawing attention to himself. "Part of the problem is that we don't know exactly. We've been talking to people in the industry and trying to find out from sources what we can expect. The general consensus is "expect the unexpected". At the minimum, a huge fan outcry, but things will probably get nasty. Religious groups will get involved and say some pretty ugly things. Hate mail is likely. And reporters…" Kevin trailed off.

I continued. "You know the tabloids. Anything to sell a paper. Its most likely that they will start to print all sorts of lies, and try to contact you or trick you into saying something that they can print. Honestly though, these are all guesses. We just don't know."

"What does Scott think?" Anne asked.

"He doesn't know yet," I admitted. "I haven't talked to him since the beginning of October. It's been hard on him. But he's coming to Orlando in just over a week. That's when I'm going to tell him my plans. I don't know yet how we're going to do this. Scott and I need to talk. We'll probably have to talk to his family too. The media feeding frenzy will probably be more of a shock to them than to most of you."

"What about Backstreet?"

I glanced at Kevin. He stood up again. "Brian has already talked to all of us. We support his decision completely. We're prepared for the worst, but I think most of our fans will continue to support us."

"Once Scott and I decide how this will unfold, we'll let everyone know so that you can be prepared. I'm hoping that after the initial frenzy, things will die down. Backstreet is taking January off from touring so that might be the best time to let the press know. But I can't say until I talk with Scott." I glanced around at my family. They did know what the press could be like. It wouldn't be a complete shock to them; after all, both Kevin and I had been in the public eye for a number of years. They seemed to be accepting my announcement well too.

"I guess I just need to know if anyone has any concerns or objections? Because I'd rather address those now than to find out through the National Enquirer," I joked.

People looked at each other. It was my grandpa that finally spoke up. "Brian, I think I can speak for everyone here. We love you. You are a thoughtful and kind cousin, nephew, grandson, brother and son. We have no right to tell you how to live your life. You're family, we love you. That is all that matters. Anything else is secondary and will be dealt with as a family," he spoke quietly but with conviction. I knew the matter was settled. If anyone was going to object, they had the chance to speak up before Grandpa spoke. No one had.

I sighed in relief. My family had accepted my plans better than I had hoped. Now I just had to convince Scott that I was serious about being with him. I knew the next couple of days were going to be a long wait, but would be worth it when I saw my Angel again.