Before I had time to really adjust to being back on tour, I noticed an ugly pattern returning to our lives. I accepted the job offer and began working on the official BSB site. As the tour continued, Brian spent more and more time with some of the band members and other writers, working on new songs for the next CD. By the end of the first week, Brian and I barely saw each other except at night when we crashed onto the bunk in the bus or a bed in a hotel. Things had been so crazy, we never had a chance to talk about all the issues that had sent me home for two weeks before the accident. I'm not sure if we were both avoiding the talk on purpose, but we just never found time. The other guys tried to pick up the slack, inviting me out to the movies, or for a basketball game. But I found I couldn't enjoy it. Perhaps Brian's paranoia about the media had rubbed off on me. I found I was worried whenever strangers were around. I would stare at them, trying to determine if they were just a person on the street or a reporter trying to dig up dirt. The stress began to affect me and I knew something would have to give. I only hoped that no one got hurt too much when it did.

For me, the breaking point came a week later. I'd been back on tour two weeks and things had returned to the unbearable way they had been before my accident. I wasn't sure if Brian even recognized the problem. I was walking around back stage and overheard a couple of people on the crew. One asked who the tall guy with brown curly hair was that was always hanging around the guys. The other person said `oh, that's just Brian's boyfriend'. It may not sound like much, but it really made me stop and think. I was my own person, not just an appendage of Brian's. But as I thought about it, I realized that I had begun to lose my own identity. I was hiding in corners and trying not to attract attention. It wasn't me. I may never have marched in any parades, but I wasn't ashamed of being gay. Yet that was how I was behaving. Being around the singers, and staying on tour was changing me in a way I didn't like. I realized it was time to make a dramatic change.

After thinking about it for a few hours, I knew the only thing I could do, was leave the tour permanently. The thought of leaving Brian made my heart seize, but in my soul, I knew I had to rediscover myself, and what I want from life. I couldn't do that as part of the tour.

We were all in the suite when I finally approached Brian and asked if we could talk. "Brian, Love, can we talk?" I said softly. He looked at me with such love and trust in his eyes; it wrenched my heart knowing what I was about to do.

"Sure Scott, Lets go into the other room."

I walked ahead of him, trying to breathe deeply and get my feelings under control. I had to clench my teeth and blink furiously to keep the tears under control. I knew what was going to happen next. And it hurt me to know that I was going to hurt him so much.

I walked over to the window and stood with my back to him. I think he was finally beginning to realize that there was something seriously wrong. He didn't walk over to me. Instead he sat down on one of the chairs and waited. I stood silently and stared out the window, trying to gather my thoughts, without looking at him.

"You know how much you mean to me, don't you Love?" I asked softly.

There was a moment of silence. "Scott?" I heard him ask quietly.

I didn't want to hear what else he was going to say. "Brian, please. Just let me finish." I paused. "I'm going to go home."

There was more silence. Finally I turned around in front of the window and looked at him. He was staring at me in confusion. "You mean you're going to go home for another visit? For how long?" he asked.

I clenched my fists and shook my head. "That's not what I mean Brian." My voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm going to go home. I can't keep doing this." I took another deep breath, trying to get myself under control. This was harder than I thought. "Brian, I love you more than anything, and I know that you and I are meant to be together. But this is getting too hard. It's getting too hard to go out with the other guys, to go out even by myself and be afraid. Be afraid of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing. Of looking...of looking at you wrong and having somebody know...having somebody in the press know. Because I know that would destroy you. And that would kill me."

Brian hadn't said anything. He continued to stare at me blankly, not quite believing what I was telling him. But I had to forge on.

"Brian," my voice broke, "I don't know how to explain this to you. Every time Nicky and I go out, or every time AJ and I go out, I feel like I'm looking over my shoulder. I'm afraid to speak because I know that the person standing beside me, or behind me, could be a reporter. Then they would find out about you, and you would be destroyed. Your career would be ruined. And I know your career means everything to you." I half hoped he would deny that statement, but I knew in his heart he couldn't say the words.

Brian finally looked up from the carpet into my eyes. I could see the tears starting to fall. But he couldn't give into them. "Is this about me coming out?" he asked softly.

I shook my head. I walked over to him and knelt on the rug in front of him. I grabbed his hands in mine. "No Brian, it's not about that, and it's not about laying blame either. I know that you aren't ready to come out, and that you're afraid it will ruin your career. And I would never ask you to do that. But being around you, like this, is not good for me. I guess you could say its about pride. You being proud of who you are, me being proud of who I am, and being proud of who we are as a couple. And we can't do that. I understand why you have to...why you feel you have to keep me a secret, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. And having to spend all my time in a hotel room with you because we're afraid to be seen in public together, its...its eating me up. I think we just need some space. I think I need some space."

Brian looked down at our clenched hands. "You said you would never leave me," he whispered.

I sighed and reached up to brush some of his tears off his cheeks. "I know I did Love. But how much good would a boyfriend who's dead inside be to you? I just can't keep doing this. I think we both need to rethink this. I will never stop loving you. But I can't be with you right now. I have to figure out...I have to figure out who I am now. I've lost track of that. I used to know. But right now, all I am is Brian Littrell's boyfriend and that's not enough for me." God I hated how that sounded. I wasn't trying to lay the blame, and I didn't blame him. But I knew that's what he would think. He pulled his hands out of mine. I sat back on my heels and bowed my head. He stood up and walked over to the window. I knew this was going to kill him. It was killing me. But I didn't know what else to do.

There were a few minutes of silence. I just waited, letting the tears fall unhindered down my cheeks.

"When are you leaving?" he asked softly.

I pushed myself to my feet and turned to look at his back. "I was planning on leaving tomorrow."

He spun around to look at me in shock. "Tomorrow! God Angel, how long have you been thinking about this?" he asked.

I decided I needed to tell him the truth. "Brian love, things have been hard for the last few months. I know you haven't noticed and I haven't said anything. After the accident...when I came back after the accident, I thought that things maybe would change. But if anything, they're worse. The media is paying more attention wondering why somebody who is designing websites is so important to all of you guys. I mean there are lots of web designers out there. You could have easily hired somebody new. But you waited for me to come back. And that's got the media curious. And you know when they're curious they start to dig. I'm sure some of them already know that I'm gay. I never hid that. How long do you think it will be before they start making innuendoes and writing lies?"

"So is this about your reputation?" he asked harshly.

I winced. I knew he was just lashing out, but it still hurt. "You know me better than that Love," I said softly. "It's about your reputation," I said.

I raised my gaze from the rug and our eyes met. Brian walked back over to stand in front of me as I stood. I could see something in his eyes, but I just couldn't figure out what it was. I wasn't sure what to say. Brian was trying to read something in my eyes. I'm not sure what he saw, but finally he nodded.

"You have to do, what you have to do, Angel," he said quietly.

That wasn't the response I was expecting. I could only stare at Brian sadly. I knew I was doing the right thing, but it certainly didn't make it any easier.

I reached up to touch his cheek but he pulled back. "Don't!" he whispered and looked away. I never thought anything could hurt as much as seeing Brian kiss another man...I was wrong. Tears began to cascade down my cheeks. I had to get out of there!

Turning to the door, I paused. "You will always be my Love," I murmured then opened the door and walked out.

I felt like I was walking around in a daze. I walked back into the lounge but ignored the stares of the other guys. All I could think about was the expression on Brian's face when I tried to touch him. I walked out of the suite uncertain of where I was going.

I eventually found myself in the hotel bar, sitting at a table overlooking the pool. I ordered a coke and slowly sipped it as I stared blindly out the window. I have no idea how long I was there before I felt a presence beside me. Glancing up, I smiled sadly at AJ. He sat down across from me but didn't speak. When the waitress returned he ordered a beer and drank it quietly.

Finally I dragged my gaze back inside and met his eyes. "Do you have any idea how much I love him?" I asked quietly.

AJ reached across the table and grabbed my hand, squeezing it. "Yeah Scott, I do. And I even understand why you're leaving. I don't like it because it's causing Bri and you so much pain, but I do understand," he said. I could hear the sincerity in his voice and it made me feel like crying. At least one of them wasn't going to hate me for leaving Brian.

"Scott," he said intently. "You have to be true to yourself. I know you've been unhappy with Brian's choices. We've all noticed it. Brian has to figure out for himself what he wants and be willing to make some sacrifices to get it."

"Why is it so easy for you and Drew?" I asked, suddenly curious.

AJ shrugged and took a drink. "I don't know Scott. Drew and I are different people than you and Brian. I look at life differently than Bri. I accept things as they are and try not to worry about what other people think."

I sighed. Why couldn't it be that easy for Brian and I?

"So what are you going to do?" he asked.

I smiled ruefully. "I'm going home. I don't know what else to do. I can't stay here feeling like a second class citizen, no matter how much I love him." I shrugged and took a drink of my coke. "I told him I was leaving in the morning. I've already made the arrangements. I just have to tell Mike and Jeff that I can't do the website," I said. I wasn't happy about giving up the job, but didn't think they'd still want me to do it.

AJ shook his head. "Scott, do the website. Despite the problems you and Brian are having, we know you and trust you. I wouldn't feel comfortable having anyone else do it," he said.

I had to think about it. Finally I nodded. "Okay. I'll ask Mike and Jeff if they still want me doing the job even though I won't be on tour. If they say no, I won't argue."

AJ agreed. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked as we finally left the bar. It was close to closing time.

I looked at him seriously. "May I stay in your room tonight?" I asked. "I honestly don't think Brian will want to see me." I wasn't sure if I was avoiding Brian for his sake, or mine, but I just couldn't face his anger and hurt so soon.

AJ smiled sadly and nodded. "Sure Scott," he agreed and stepped onto the elevator as the door opened. "Just don't tell Drew we slept together," he added.

I almost laughed at that, but could only manage a smile. AJ patted my arm as we fell silent while the elevator rode to the top floor.

As we entered the suite I braced myself to face some of the other guys, but fortunately none of them were in the lounge. We walked quickly over to AJ's room and I almost breathed a sigh of relief when we were inside. AJ grinned at me and dug around in his suitcase until he pulled out a pair of track pants. He tossed them to me.

"Go take a shower," he ordered. I smiled my thanks and walked into the bathroom. I wanted to stay under that hot spray of water for hours, but I didn't want to be inconsiderate so I washed quickly, dried myself and pulled on the track pants before leaving the bathroom for AJ.

"I want the right side of the bed," he said as he walked by. I smiled to myself and lay down on the left side. It was strange that is was AJ who had come looking for me. We certainly had a questionable beginning when he and the others were interrogating me the first night. Our relationship had definitely changed for the better.

I tried to keep my mind thinking about anything other than Brian. I reviewed some plans for client websites, thought about my family, but tried not to think about Sheri too much. AJ came out of the bathroom and dropped onto the other side of the bed. We were both quiet for a minute. It was the quiet that undid me. I couldn't stop the images of Brian and I as they washed over me. I tried to stifle a sob, but it was no use. The tears surged out of me. AJ turned onto his side and pulled me towards him, wrapping his arms around me. As I felt his comforting strength I finally let myself relax into the tears and pain. AJ simply held me, stroked my back and told me everything would be okay. Eventually I cried myself to sleep.

Morning definitely came too soon. I dreaded facing the day...and the people that were angry with me. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide. But I couldn't. Reluctantly I rolled out of bed, trying not to disturb AJ. I glanced at the clock and discovered it wasn't quite eight am. I wasn't sure what to do with myself. Finally I decided to face the world and wandered out into the lounge. Luck was with me and no one else was up. As I walked around, I noticed my suitcase sitting beside one of the couches. I sank down to my knees beside it. The fact that Brian had thought to put my stuff out in the lounge hurt like a punch to the gut. It was like he was cleaning me out of his life.

I decided that the sooner I left the better. I stood and grabbed the suitcase and began walking back to AJ's room so I could dress. Just as I turned around I heard a door open. I looked around and came eye to eye with Kevin. He paused in the doorway and looked at me, frowning. I braced myself for his anger as I watched him walk towards me.

His first words surprised me. "How are you Scott?" he asked intently. "Where did you stay last night?"

I certainly hadn't expected his genuine concern. "Um...AJ let me crash in his room," I stuttered out then shrugged. "I guess I'm doing okay," I paused. "More importantly, how is Brian?" I asked earnestly.

Kevin smiled sadly. "I think he'll be okay Scott. He'd be better if you weren't leaving..." I thought, here it comes! "But that is his decision."

"Huh?"

Kevin laughed softly. "Come on Scott! Do you really think I would suddenly turn around and hate you? Am I upset? Of course. The situation sucks. I hate to see Brian hurting so much. But I can see that you are hurting just as much. I'm not looking at things through colored glasses Scott. I know Brian isn't perfect. You both have to take responsibility. I still believe that eventually things will work out for you two." He paused and looked at me seriously. "Besides, I don't think it would be wise to burn bridges with my potential brother-in-law."

I was stunned. Not only about that brother-in-law comment, but also that he wasn't going to automatically side with Brian. "Kev, I don't know what to say. Thanks for not kicking the shit out of me!" I said with a real smile. He laughed. "I just hope this doesn't cause too many problems with you and Sheri. I know you were probably kidding about the brother-in-law thing, but honestly, I don't think my sister could do any better," I told him honestly.

It was Kevin's turn to look surprised. "Thanks Scott. That is really nice to hear." He noticed my suitcase in my hands. "So when are you leaving?" he asked.

I sighed. "I thought I would change then head out. Staying longer won't help and will just make things more tense. Oh, I mentioned to AJ that I was going to resign from the web site job, but he wanted me to keep it. What do you think?"

Kevin nodded. "Keep it Scott. We know you'll do a great job on it. Things are awkward right now, but I still consider you a close friend."

I smiled. "Thanks Kevin. I guess I should get going. I don't think I'm up to running into everyone this morning. I think it would be better if I just left."

Kevin shrugged. "Its up to you. But can I ask a favor?" I nodded. "Please keep in touch with Brian. I know that right now you two are both hurting. I'm not asking you to talk on the phone or visit. But maybe just send him email, or a letter. Unless you're intending to sever all connections?" he asked as the thought occurred to him.

I shook my head. "No! Never! I love him Kev. That will never change. I will always be there for him, and the rest of you. If the connection is cut, it will be Brian's doing!"

Kevin nodded in acceptance. "Okay." He held out his hand. "Take care Scott. And just because you aren't talking to Brian, doesn't mean that the rest of us wouldn't like to hear your voice once in a while."

I shook his hand. "I promise to be in touch Kev." I released his hand and continued into AJ's room. He was still sleeping so I quietly pulled out a change of clothes and dressed. I made sure everything was in my suitcase. My laptop was in the lounge so I would grab it on the way out. I grabbed the pad of hotel stationary and wrote a note, letting them know I was going home, leaving my address and phone number. I apologized for hurting any of them, and told Brian again that I loved him and always would. I left it on top of AJ's suitcase and quietly walked out the door. I grabbed my laptop and left the suite.

I stopped two floors down at the room occupied by the management rep. I simply left a message for Mike or Jeff to talk to Kevin or AJ then get a hold of me at my home number. That taken care of, I took the elevator to the lobby and hailed a cab. My flight out wasn't until noon, but I'd rather sit at the airport than face the anger and hurt of Brian, and probably Nick too. I regretted not having a chance to talk to Nick. But hopefully when everyone cooled down, we could pick up our friendship.

To be continued...