Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 14:23:51 -0700
From: Scott Lockhart <scottiescot@hotmail.com>
Subject: My GirlFriend Made Me Do It- Chapter 22

	I told you it wouldn't be too long. I'm not too much a fan of
promptness, and I don't have much clout with you guys after the six months
I've been gone. Plus... writing about N'sync can get boring sometimes,
because I really really REALLY can't stand listening to them. Have you
heard all that crap Justin's been calling music lately? He pisses me off
more than Avril Lavigne.
	Also, its spring, as u know, and I joined an intramural softball
league back in February, so that's been keeping me kind of busy. After
Austin gets done with his spring break, I've been thinking about taking my
story past N'sync and interacting him with his friends back home primarily,
with a few celebrity cameos. That will change my format significantly, so
voice your opinions if you want me to go somewhere else with it. Actually,
I'm probably going to do whatever I want anyway, but at least I can pretend
to be interested, huh?
	Well, my turnout this update was my lowest ever. I did hear from a
few new fans, who seem to be spread out all over the world, which is
cool. But I know a lot of people gave up waiting on me, and there's no way
to nag them back. I even had to nag the three or four readers I keep
somewhat in touch with to read it, so I'm pretty sure I might try and move
it to another genre sometime in the future. Someone also suggested I set up
a newsgroup, but I'm an idiot when it comes to networking and web
stuff. Well, I'm an idiot in a lot of stuff, but computers especially.

	I have a storyboard already written for my next two chapters after
this one, I just have to sit down and right them. We'll see if the
university will allow me some leisure time. Thanks for sticking with me
ladies and gentleman. Enjoy the read.

				*	*	*

	The wind was cool on my back as I stepped out into the night, away
from the shadow of the shoddy grizzled building. I could still hear the
noise of muffled laughter from behind the chipped particle boards, but
underlying that was a faint rumbling from the party out back. The street
before me was empty, the cool black asphalt stretching immeasurably ahead,
like a lonely symbol for my life. As a few stray newspapers were swept into
the air by the lackluster breeze, I could hear palm fronds shaking against
each other from across the street in the central plaza park stretched to
the left of me, empty, dark, and ominous. A chill ran up my spine as I
started to shuffle back up the road, the ocean less than a dozen yards to
my right and my hotel a white backlit Spanish colonial palace that I could
barely glimpse over the tips of the tropical foliage.
	As my footsteps echoed against the tarmac, I kept running
explanations through my head about why Josh would treat me so
carelessly. Before tonight, I thought I had been his number one concern. As
insecure as I was, it was nice being somebody's favorite person, and being
taken care of. I thought Josh understood me like no one else ever had. Was
I just being really selfish? Maybe I had made a big mistake. I stopped
suddenly, debating going back. I was halfway to the hotel. Maybe I was over
exaggerating. Couples go through hard times, maybe this was just one of
those times. Should I throw everything away because of this one little
incident? But maybe we weren't quite a couple. If we cared so much for each
other, why did we get so angry so quickly? I refused to glance back at the
Beaumont.
	Forget it. If Josh really cared about me he would've at least come
looking for me by now. It had almost been forty minutes since I had gotten
up off the couch. He hadn't even realized I'd left. Was I being selfish? In
what fucking way? It's suddenly selfish to ask to be talked to at a party
by your boyfriend? That's just retarded.
	Josh can come find me. I'm not going to go running back to him like
some little loser. I started walking further down the street, my resolve
stiffened as I realized how right I was. Josh had no right to be so rude to
me like that. And whoever the fuck that trick he was with thought she was,
she could kiss my ass.
	My mind was going a thousand places, and I decided to not even
think about Josh and the girl. It wasn't worth wasting my effort. I just
concentrated on getting home, getting out of all this business. Maybe I
would call him later next week and explain a few important things to
Josh. I would've told him that after this week, and how close we've gotten,
I would've been willing to step over my self-defined line for him. Before
tonight, I was just about to start letting go of my insecurities and start
admitting that I had serious bisexual tendencies, and I would've started to
accept it about myself. I would've started to accept my love for him
instead of constantly locking him out, hoping it would all go away. I
would've started to really find myself with him, and start enjoying myself
with him. But as I made it to the entrance to the parking lot of my hotel,
I decided that that just wasn't going to happen anymore.
	In the back of my mind, I was still kind of expecting to hear Josh
come running up behind me and calling "Austin, wait." Just like he did that
very first night. I needed him to do that. I willed him to. But once I made
it all the way to the front desk and he still hadn't come, I lost hope that
he ever would. I had thought that when I found Josh, I had found someone
that I could really trust. Someone who would start to really appreciate me,
understand me completely and support me instead of only wanting me for my
body, like most of the girls I've dated. Josh was supposed to be that
person.
	I guess I had been all wrong about Josh. Now that I thought about
it, I had been basing all these good feelings of Josh and how perfect he
was only when we were having good times together. When things were good,
they were phenomenal, but when things went bad, they were so horrible. That
wasn't the way a relationship was supposed to go. I needed him, and after
this weekend, I wouldn't get much chance, and my love and faith would
slowly splinter the longer I spent away from him.
	As I got into the gilded gold elevator and rode it up to the fourth
floor, I decided to close my heart to him now, to save myself the pain
later. It was better not to get too attached than to suffer for the rest of
my life wondering if he could have been that person I've been looking for
so long. I'd been trying to tell myself this all along.
	I keyed open my room to find it exactly as I left it, the darkness
pierced by the light coming in behind me from the hallway. As my eyes
adjusted to the change in light, I saw that the room was a complete wreck
from the party. Joey had left out the little shot bottles all over the
glass dining table, and everyone had left one or two empty glasses on every
surface in the room. The floor was littered with people's towels and
clothing. The glass door to the patio was slightly ajar, and the cool
breeze was softly billowing the white cotton curtain.
	Love fucking sucks. You open your heart out to somebody....and they
just treat you like you don't even exist.

	"I thought I mattered to you, Josh!" I shouted out loud into the
empty room. "I thought I was important. I thought... ...I thought you loved
me." I sniffed, almost letting an emotion escape. But I am tougher than
that.

	I tossed my keycard towards the kitchenette area and furiously
ripped off my shirt, I think losing a few buttons on the way. What was
wrong with me? Why couldn't I find the right person? Does Josh even miss
me? Tears continued to develop in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall
as I kicked off my sandals and left them right near the door and walked
further into the room. I reached the dining room table, and even though I
was already pretty buzzed, I picked up the last of the shots and downed
them as fast as I could. I dumped out my phone and wallet on the dining
room table, where they got a little wet from the spilled shots, and I took
off towards the bedroom, loudly shoving open the double doors.
	Did Josh not even realize how much that hurt me? Did he think that
I didn't have feelings, too? So I was Rocky Reiter, and nothing could get
to me. But this did. It hurt so much! I thought he knew me! I thought he
knew who I really was. Was he even a little bit sensitive at all? I took a
look around the bedroom, and all I could see were signs of Josh. His
clothes from this morning were still in a neatly folded pile on top of the
bed, which was lightly ruffled from when we had messed around a little
before heading out to the pool. His laptop carryon was leaning against the
closet door, his loose change in a pile on the table under the mirror, and
all I could smell was his damn cologne. I couldn't sleep in here.
	Hands shaking, I ripped off the bedspread, top sheet and pillows
and carried them back into the living room, where I dumped them on the
couch and arranged what seemed like a comfortable enough bed. Out of the
corner of my eye, I caught the glowing blue face of my phone off the edge
of the dining room table. My blue ticket out. This was it. I slowly got up
off the couch, hearing it creak below me as I carefully tread across the
soft, white carpet, and circled around. I watched the phone from across the
room for a second.
	I looked at my watch again. It had taken me barely ten minutes to
get over here. Maybe I should wait. Maybe the girl was the daughter of a
friend of his parents. Maybe she was an intern at another record label Josh
hoped to work with. Maybe she knew some people who could help him put
together a solo album. But all I could hear was them laughing, kicking up
old times and acting like old lovers. Then it hit me. Maybe that's who she
was. She was probably his fucking ex. Without even realizing it, I had
reached the designer glass table and picked up the steel colored plastic. I
flipped the top to read the glowing blue face, which told me I had received
no messages.
	I closed my eyes and bit my lip. For some reason I had so been
hoping to see the little flashing envelop on that screen to tell me I had
some voice mail. I had so been hoping to hear his voice, a little panicky
and a little neurotic, asking where I was and to please call him right back
because he was worried about me and wanted to talk. I closed the phone and
set it back down.
	My wallet was right next to a tiny bottle of Jack that was lying on
its side in a small pool of whiskey. My eyes traveled over the worn in
crease lines on the soft brown leather. I'd had this wallet since I was
fifteen. The stitching was a little loose and the label long ago torn
off. There were little slips of paper peaking out of the bill fold;
mismatched, disorganized receipts that I never really kept track of but I
always seemed to stash. That folded piece of brown leather slowly staining
itself with alcohol held a card that told me how to make long distance
phone calls, and it gave me a bunch of numbers to dial to get the right
calling area.
	Just one phone call and I'd be out of here. I'd be out of Cancun,
away from MTV and N'sync, and Josh. The man I had thought I was so
hopelessly in love with. Away from everything.

	I'd be away from all the problems that I had walked right into
coming down here. Exactly one week ago, I had been frantically packing my
suitcase, anticipating what was going to happen when I landed in LA. I had
been planning on taking Josh aside and telling him that I had just wanted
to be friends, that I didn't go with the gay thing too well, and that I was
sorry, I really really liked him, but him being my best friend would be as
far as it would go.
	But once I saw him in the airport, I had immediately fallen for
him, almost right on the spot. He looked so glad to see me, and so
adorable... I didn't know what to think. And I had been distracted from my
plan to keep him just a friend by my anger directed at Justin. So I delayed
giving Josh the just-friends speech, and instead gave a
lets-slow-things-down speech instead.
	But just when things were settling down, almost right away, Justin
made (or seemed to make) a move toward josh. I hadn't even had time to
think over my growing feelings for Josh before I rushed to claim him before
Justin could. Even though I had been the one who wanted to keep us apart, I
couldn't let him go so easily.
	As the week went on, and we started to prepare to come to Cancun, I
had considered my love for Josh and found comfort in it. Maybe I really did
love him, I thought. I couldn't stop thinking about him and I couldn't get
enough of him. With Justin no longer an enemy, and a new need to defend
Josh from Chris's insults, I fell right into place as his lover, and hadn't
looked back since.
	But a lot had changed, even since the plane ride this morning. Josh
had been falling further and further away from me, through other people's
interference. And his brush off tonight told me an important thing about
our relationship. I had gone into this headfirst, without thinking it over
or timing it out. It went by too quick, way too quick. One week? Who did
that? I somehow went from this straight jock boy to bi-curious love puppy
in one week, and now I doubted my own sincerity. Could you find love in
less than a week? Did I really love Josh? Did he love me?
	I picked up my wallet and phone, and I carried them over to my bed
on the couch, and sat there solemnly, staring into the black screen of the
TV, for almost a full hour. An hour! Debating within myself whether I
should just bow out now. Did I love Josh? Did I even know what love was? If
I did love him, why did I doubt it? If he loved me, why wasn't he here with
me?
	At three thirty in the morning, he still hadn't called. He hadn't
come by, and he hadn't left a message. I made my decision. I needed more
time to think about everything, and I couldn't make my decision in this
kind of environment, where I felt threatened by these people I called my
new friends.
	Lisa. What was with her little double entendres and flirty
eyes. She just kept confusing me. Was I straight? Or did I only convince
myself that I was attracted to her, in order to tell myself I was still
straight.
 	Justin. He had his own issues to deal with, why couldn't he just
leave me alone. Those looks he had been shooting my way... they made me so
uncomfortable. I felt like he might try something, maybe hit on me or
something, if he thought he had a shot, and he got between me and Josh.
	Sara. Her words from earlier echoing in my mind, "I didn't say you
were gay..." I hate that word so much. When did I change? When did I accept
begin gay? I haven't accepted anything. Josh just rushed it out of me.
	Why did Josh bring me into this? Why did he have to be like
this. Why did I have to meet him, and turn my life completely upside
down. This wasn't fair. Josh was supposed to be different. But now...
... Now he was just like everyone else. He only wanted me because he liked
the way I looked.
	With trembling hands, still fighting to hold back any emotion, I
flipped open my wallet. And the very first picture I saw in my photo album
was of me and Jen. I remembered that picture like it was yesterday.

			*	*	*

	Rumble Rumble Rumble. The massive arena crowd was still roaring
audibly as the motocross racers were revving their engines behind their
prospective fences at the center of the arena. The crowd was still gasping
out loud as the start of the race neared. I glanced across from our seat in
the stands at the large digital clock over the Budweiser-sponsored Jumbo
Vision, and it was counting down another four minutes until the race.
	"You know what? I'm actually kind of excited about this," said Jen
next to me. She pushed back a strand of her jet black hair behind her ear
as she looked up at me, and I smiled in appreciation. I was so glad she
decided to come with me. She looked so adorable in my oversized dark gray
UW sweatshirt, one arm entangled in mine, the other clutching a half empty
root beer ThirstBuster. I think I shivered in happiness. My eyes melted
into her beautiful brown ones and I leaned in for a quick little peck on
the lips.
	"Woooh!!! Let's start this shit, already!" From my other side came
the screams of my buddy Andy. He was wearing a beer guzzlers cap, or
whatever it is, with the pipes and the beer cans attached to the helmet,
and a sponsored motorcycle brand T shirt over his denim jacket. On the
other side of him sat Sunny, his pretty, platinum blond girlfriend. She
looked across Andy at me and rolled her eyes. I laughed, and squeezed Jen's
hand.
	Over the loudspeaker, a voice called out, "With less than four
minutes to go, would everyone please stand for our national anthem."
	As the two of us got to our feet, automatically placing our hands
over our hearts (our other hands were still clasping each others) we just
stared at each other as our mouths recited the lyrics. Her eyes were so
beautiful, so open; I wanted to drown in those dark brown pools. "And the
rockets red glare..." As the patriotic verses continued, I saw that cute
little smile of hers make a snapshot of itself in my brain. My heart
literally started racing as the song ended with that final, long note, and
then everyone began cheering, setting off noisemakers and
whistling. Everyone was hugging everyone else and clapping, Andy and Sunny
were whistling wildly, so I took the opportunity and hugged my Jenny-bunny
so tight. I held my arms around her dainty shoulders, and kissed her softly
at the part of her neck that met her ear, loving the taste of the soft
beautiful flesh. And as I reflected on all the rushing feelings I felt
whenever I was around her, I leaned in close and whispered softly in her
ear, "I love you."
	It was the first time I had ever said it to her, first time I had
ever said it to anybody, and as I pulled away from her, she had the most
intense look in her eyes, and the biggest smile. I couldn't hear her over
the crowd, and roaring engines, and the screaming enthusiasm of Andy and
Sunny behind me, but she mouthed back, "I love you too." Her eyes were in
tears she was so happy. I had never felt more happy than I had that night,
I hugged her so tight and so close, and we just held each other, crying
into each others shoulders and slowly, lovingly swayed our bodies
together. We missed the starting gate and the race was on, but I had
already won.
	"Hey you two lovebirds!" said Sunny from behind us, her face behind
a snapshot camera and Andy's arm slung casually over her shoulder. "Say
cheese!" Schwink.

			*	*	*

	That was such a moment for me, a moment that I thought I would
cherish forever. And I realized to my dismay that I had no pictures of
Josh. I had no indication of my ties to him, whatsoever, whereas my wallet
was full of thousands of memories of the past year, which is probably the
last time I cleaned out my wallet. Was this some sort of sign?
	The first time you say I love you is supposed to be some magic
event, something you'll remember forever. When I had said those words to
Josh, it wasn't even me saying them, it was this jealous, adrenalin fuel
that had said them. I had used the words because I hadn't wanted to lose
Josh, not because I loved him. It was so selfish. Maybe I didn't deserve
Josh after all. Maybe he realized that, and was giving up on trying to make
it work between us, when the deck was so heavily stacked against us.
	I pulled out a plastic gray card from the back of my billfold, and
turned it over in my hand. Josh needed someone who wouldn't make trouble
with all his friends, and wouldn't make a mess of things almost as soon as
he got there. The card gave me a list of access numbers that I needed to
dial if I was calling from outside the country. The United States was
listed as 011.
	My hand seemed to automatically flip open my phone. My tears gone,
and that picture of Jen still burning in my mind, I slowly dialed the
number. 0. 1. My finger hovered over the one key. Come on you fucking
pussy. 1.
	I had to dial 1 + my area code, which was 206. Then I had to dial
my dad's cell phone, which was 555-8109. What kind of boyfriend uses "I
love you" as an excuse to get Josh into bed? Isn't that exactly what
happened? Maybe I just didn't deserve to be with anyone. I didn't deserve
to be loved; I didn't deserve anything.
	The dial tone was ringing now.

	Once. Brrrrring. "You won't be without a shield Austin. You'll have
an even bigger one, one that I helped make, and I would be so happy to be
underneath it than outside of the other ones." Right. Then why aren't you
here under my shield right now?

	Twice. Brrrrring. "Josh, I would never leave you. Ever!" I had said
that a few days ago, after Josh got all jealous of Justin. I had never
doubted myself then. And josh hadn't given me anything to doubt until now.

	Three times. Brrrrring. A click, then my dad's voice mail picked
up. I knew the message by heart.
	"Hi, you've reached Sean Lockhart. If you're a client, please dial
the office at (206) 555-7148 to make an appointment. If not, leave a
message and I'll get back to you as soon as I..."

	Toomb, Toomb, Toomb!

				*	*	*

	I knew who it was even before I opened the door, and I waited
outside the door a minute to collect my thoughts before I pulled it open. I
disconnected the call I was making, and I decided that no matter how much
he pleaded and begged and cried, I was going to tell him that I needed to
sort shit out, and that nothing he could stay would stop me. I was going
back home. I had enjoyed my time, and my feelings were still strong for
him, but this was all too much for me. I couldn't handle balancing my own
emotions, waiting patiently for him to get out of the limelight, at the
same time avoiding a public relationship, maintaining my own reputation,
warding off advances from Justin and Lisa, and being a good boyfriend.
	My thoughts weighing down my shoulders so that I slumped like a
gargoyle, I pulled open the door, my phone still in my hand, and there he
was, looking haggard and disheveled, as if he had spent the last few hours
looking for me.

	"Of course you'd be here, it was the most obvious place, and so of
course I didn't even think to look here," he said, smiling, all out of
breath. He held out his arms for me, looking so comforting and open... but
I hesitated.
	Maybe he's lying, a tiny skeptical voice in me said. If he was up
all night looking for you, why didn't he just call you? It would have been
an easy way to find out where you were. You were just about to get the hell
out of here, and he shows up at the last minute and you just hug him like
nothing happened? Bull shit, Reiter, grow some balls. You're not some pussy
ready to just take him back; he didn't seem too sad when you left that
party, right? Don't forget why you were leaving.
	Josh's arms slowly lowered themselves back down to his sides, once
he realized I wasn't going to hug him. His entire expression looked
crushed, his eyes boring into me, his expression curious. I avoided looking
into his eyes. They were a trap, I knew that I got weak as soon as I looked
into his damn eyes.  "Come with me, Austin. Let's take a walk and sort some
stuff out, ok?" he said it in that little pleading voice that always makes
me do whatever he wants. Not this time. I shifted weight onto my other leg
as I leaned into the doorway.

	"Why can't we talk here? I have some stuff to do," I said as my
shoulder leaned into the door jam, crossing my arms over my chest.

	"Stuff?" he repeated, his eyes wide. "What stuff?"

	"Stuff." I said simply.
	We were silent for a moment. Josh was trying to search my eyes, but
I wouldn't let him. I looked at the posh white carpeted floor of the
hallway.

	"Austin, don't do this." He said quietly.

	I refused to say anything. I had to maintain an irongrip on my
feelings, and I had to push down everything I felt for Josh, or thought I
felt, deep into myself, in a tiny little box, and lock it up tight. I was
not going to spend a week moping and whining at the loss like some pathetic
high school girl, I was just going to pretend that Josh meant nothing to
me. That his coldness tonight was but the tip of an iceberg of resentment
and callous behavior that I would grow tired of sooner or later. I tried to
tell myself that Josh never really loved me, he was just saying that for
his own protection, so that he could validate his orientation for
himself. Don't get too close. Don't let him in.
	 But as much as I pushed to maintain the cold silence between us, I
could feel this iron gripped tightness in my chest, as I struggled to hold
everything inside. It was like someone had taken my heart and tied it into
a heavy knot, and with each silent second, it got tighter and tighter...
	I couldn't stand it any longer, I had to look at him. I started at
the bottoms of his feet. His scuffed black boots were stained dark with
splatters of mud and sand. The cuffs to his khaki pants had dried traces of
mud and a dampness to it that seemed like he had been trudging through
water. The crease continued to his baby blue button down, the bottom
portion that had been tucked into his pants now wrinkled.
	His hands, those sweet, caressing little hands, were tightened into
tight little fists, and shaking slightly from nerves. His buttoned shirt
actually seemed to be moving to his heartbeat, as if it were so strong it
was completely outside of him.
	That strong, athletically corded neck, with that strand of brown
leather over the collar bone that he wore sometimes. That dark, lustrous
curly brown hair that I always loved to run my fingers through when we were
just spending our time sitting and enjoying each other's warmth.
	His face, with that scraggly soul patch he just wouldn't let go of,
that slightly larger than average nose, and then...those eyes. When God
created light, he saved a little bit to put into those crystalline blue
jewels. I love him. No, no I don't.
	I had to bite me lip to prevent myself from losing it right in
front of him. Please stop staring at me like that Josh, you make me all
light headed.

	"Let's go take a walk down by the beach, Austin, please? It will
only take a second, and after that you can... ...finish what you were
doing." He eyed the phone in my hand.

	"I don't think..." I started to protest, my words thick with
emotion. I closed my eyes to prevent it.

	"Just a short one then, please?" he sounded so innocent. And he had
to use that little pleading voice too. He's trying to manipulate you.

	"I promise it'll only take a second," he said, seeing how I was
till hesitating.

	Don't say yes. You don't even have to give a reason, just shake
your head and back up into the room and slowly close the door. Don't think
things will be so much better after one talk.

	"Ok, " I said, and I pulled the door shut behind me, not even
thinking of my keycard and I locked myself out.
	Josh didn't even smile, he just turned and slowly walked back to
the elevator, not giving any further encouragement to follow. My eyes
traveled to the bottoms of his pant legs, which appeared to be stained with
dried splashes of mud and sand, a persistent wet spot soaking through to
the back of his left calf. Did that mean...?
	Use your phone, right now. Call Dad.
	I slipped my phone into my pocket as I started to follow him.
	Josh held the gilded gold doors open for me, and we silently rode
the way down. To avoid looking at him and completely losing it, I
concentrated on the intricately carved old-fashioned metal elevator hand,
that slowly moved down to the iron gray letter "L".
	When we reached the ground floor, Josh was the first one out.
	Ok, Good. Let him get out, stay in the elevator, and head straight
back to your room. You don't have a problem if you can't see it.
	I stepped out of the elevator, and we walked through the lobby,
making a right at the front desk to head outside.
	We followed a cement path lit with small blue glass garden lights
in iron panes, that splashed light onto the topiary and tropical ferns and
flowers that made up the path that led down to the beach.
 	Cancun was still up and awake, because there was still a few
parties around some campfires down at the far end of the beach, even at
three in the morning, but it was a lot quieter outside the hotel. Josh
walked with me all the way to the water's edge, the warm sand soothing
against my feet.
	A cool breeze waved over us, stinging my bare skin and flapping his
shirt open, revealing the crisp white beater underneath and healthy bronzed
skin. I looked out to the calming sea to avoid looking at him. We were
silent for a long time.
	"Do you know how many times I've stared out at the ocean, waiting,
hoping for a guiding light to seethe its way through the mist? Do you know
how many times I've wondered if I would become consumed by the loneliness I
felt? The pain, and the crushing weight, like a wave of water, of trying to
be happy?"
	 I didn't know what to say. I looked at him out of the corner of my
eye, my hand in my pocket still fingering my phone.
	We waited a while longer.
	Suddenly, Josh turned to me and stared at me right in the eyes, so
intensely I had an immediate urge to turn away, but couldn't. I felt myself
being locked into this gaze.

	"I've been waiting for you my whole life, Austin. I've been waiting
to be really happy." I blinked, then stared down at the ground, uneasy at
the weight of his words.

	He took a step towards me. "You don't know how much you being here
means to me."

	I whipped my head back up. "Then why did you ignore me all night
Josh?"

	He held my gaze, not denying my claim, but also not offering any
excuses either. Finally, I got tired of his stalling and I turned to
leave. He let me go a few steps, before he called after me: "I did it for
you."

I walked back. "What?"

He stayed silent a minute before responding. "Remember on the plane this
morning, when you gave your whole little paranoid speech about the press
and everyone finding out we were...  ...less than straight?"

I hesitated, wondering where he was going. "Yeah."

"Well, I was thinking that maybe I gay you up too much, so I kind of laid
off being affectionate and drawing attention to ourselves."

"By completely ignoring me and... ...and flirting with some chick? Josh,
come on. You could have at least talked to me. When did you finally realize
I left?" I accused.

"Right away, I watched you go get a drink and then walk outside."

I grumbled. "I was watching you for a while before I left, Josh, don't even
try. You liked like you were having the time of your life."

	"What...with Brenda?" Josh sputtered. "She and I went to the same
junior high school."

	"Well, then she must have had loads to tell you," I said
sarcastically.

	"As much as Justin had to tell you?!" Josh said, trying to sound
innocent, but it sounded pretty accusing to me.

	I looked back at him, my eyebrows curled in offense and disbelief.

	"What are you talking about?" I choked out. "Justin...? I talked to
him for like a second, I was pissed at him for trying to keep us away from
the party. He claimed he didn't know he was supposed to let me know, which
leads me to believe that you were the one who was trying to brush us off!"
I said hotly.

	My words fell on silence, as Josh looked back to the ocean
again. "I'm not talking about last night," he said grimly. "I'm talking
about back in LA. Remember when you spent the night at his house?"

	"I did not spend the night at his house!" I said loudly.

	Josh raised his hands to calm me. "Ok, not spend the night, but you
spent a while over there and didn't tell me where you were going, or why."

	"That has nothing to do with anything, Josh, and you know it. What
are you trying to say? That because Justin told me something, then you have
the right to 'get me back?' This isn't sixth grade."
	Josh continued to look out at the water, deadpan expression. It was
starting to irritate me.
	Since I had already broken my vow of silence, I decided to let off
some more steam.

	"If you can't think of anything else to say, or even fucking
apologize to me for treating me like crap, than I am going to go back
upstairs and start packing. Do you hear me? Packing." I said. He continued
to stare out at the water.

	"Hello? Josh? This is really starting to piss me off, ok? If you're
the one saying how happy you are, then why are we fighting right now, huh?
Why am I pissed off at you?"

	Another unnervingly silent minute later, the waves crashing softly
against the sand, soaking our toes, and I snorted in disgust.

	"Happiness is something you can never maintain. You have to work at
it." He said finally.

	"What?"

	Finally he turned to look at me. "I enjoy my time with you, and
because I believe in our love, and have faith in it, I am willing to take
the good with the bad." I considered his statement for awhile, looking down
at the ground to collect my thoughts. What was he trying to say? That
because he had faith or some shit, that we were going to stay together? Did
he even care that I just said I was packing to leave him? Did I even
fucking matter at all?

	"So... ...?' I trailed, wanting him to clarify.

	He smiled. "so, that means that even as mad as you are right now,
at me, the situation, the world. I know that I love you, and I know that
will be enough for me. The question is, is it enough for you."
	I thought about this question long and hard, and I felt guilty for
being so impatient with him earlier, when this was a really important
question that I couldn't really answer right away.
	Another chilling breeze waved over us, but I hardly noticed it as
my mind whizzed over my answer. Was knowing that Josh loved me enough for
me? Or did I constantly need reminders, and got jealous and childish at the
drop of a hat? I had no confidence in anything in my life, so I guess it
was only natural that I had no confidence in my relationship with Josh
either. Why had I so easily jumped to the wrong conclusion? Why hadn't I
just believed in Josh's love. It would've made this whole night easier.
	Answers seemed to pour out of nowhere. I got so uncomfortable in
public because I worried that once Josh's career was ruined, we would have
to break up. I got apprehensive about Lisa and Justin because I was sure
their plays would break us up. Couldn't I have just made it that much
easier by trusting Josh?
	I needed Josh. I loved him. I needed his guidance and his wisdom to
help me grow up, make me a better person. I can't believe I pretty much
doubted everything that had happened since I met him, cursed the day that
God brought him into my life, and second guessed every step we'd made so
far. I should've just believed.
	And as I was thinking, cursing myself for being such an idiot,
always being wrong, Josh slowly walked back over to my still silent frame,
and he embraced me from behind, locking his hands over my waist, and
leaning his head on my shoulder.

	"Don't beat yourself up too much, baby. I don't want any scars on
the man I love."

			*	*	*

Which brings us to today, late Friday morning, as Lisa led me out of the
hotel down a pretty stone walk bordered by brilliantly colored azaleas and
tropical ferns and flowers to the waterfront, none of which is passing
through my gloomy depression. She was chatting away next to me while I'm
plainly not listening to her, and as we passed a large green tree in front
of us, I took a sudden gasp.
	The beach was insane! Thousands of people, there were so many, you
couldn't even see the sand. The girls were all in bikinis so small you'd
need a magnifying glass to see them, and everyone looked like they walked
right out of a Coppertone ad. I could see no one over thirty or under 16,
and everyone was laughing and drinking and talking, trying to play Frisbee
over the heads of a long line of sun bathers, laughing about old times and
still celebrating their week of freedom.

	"This is where we're going?" I said out loud. Lisa stopped
yammering.

	"This? Oh, hell no, we are heading over to the MTV part, its down
there a ways."

	"How far a ways?" I said skeptically. I wanted to stick near the
hotel.

	"A mile? What's walking gonna kill you, Mr. Athletic?" she
taunted. "We're supposed to be meeting Sar-bear at twelve thirty."

	"You expect to find Sara in this?" I waved my hand at the crowd.

	"We'll find her," Lisa said confidently. I just shook my head in
exasperation.
	Not having much choice, Lisa and I walked all the way down the
sidewalk adjacent to the beach, and everyone that passed by was either a
happy little couple, lost in their own little world, either out and out
making out in front of everyone, or whispering little things in each
other's ears and laughing about stuff only they would know about, or else
it was large groups of friends, having the time of their lives. While Lisa
thumbed through her bag for something, I kept looking at my watch, willing
time to speed by. Even though it would be only a brief minute I would be
allowed to talk to Josh, his camera shot at 2 was starting to look pretty
good. After that, he was unavailable until late tonight.
	I felt so bad for him, I wished Nsync were less popular so that I
could at least spend more time with him. I was also getting tired of
hanging with Lisa. She was a great friend and everything, but she talked
way too much today. I hadn't a clue what she was talking about...something
about the studio. She didn't even really care that I wasn't listening.
	On the one hand, I felt bad for her. Nelly had invited her on this
thing, but so far he hadn't even seen her since they were on the plane
together. Josh had at least made a concerned effort to spend time with me,
but Nelly didn't even call her, or return her calls, which she had made
every hour or so last night. He was such a jack ass.
	On the other hand, she was so annoying, acting like we had known
each other for years. Also, her frequent brushing her hands on my shoulder
or linking her arm through mine as if we were a couple was starting to
really tick me off. Aside from that though, she was just way too open for
someone I had met barely a few days ago. I felt kind of like when I hung
out with Justin while trying to deal with issues of my own. They both were
so desperate for someone to talk to they talked me to death.

	We found out that MTV had fenced off a large area where they were
filming with brightly colored plastic fencing, with their screen printed
logo all over it, and there was a huge line of kids that were waiting to
get in. It was like an outdoor day club or something, complete with
bouncers in beach togs. It felt so weird walking up to the front of the
line, flashing our MTV badges, and walking right through, like I was a
celebrity or something. Oh well.
	Once we passed through the opening, we saw that this part of the
beach was a lot less crowded than the area outside our hotel. Also, it
looked like they were screening people, so that only pretty people would be
seen on camera, which was so typically MTV.
	Speaking of cameras, they were everywhere. There was this dance
contest thing going on in this little grove of palms to the east, a long
line of girls lining up for some sort of beauty contest, and a whole huge
area up the bank with dozens of booths, where they were doing a whole bunch
of contests, relay races, drinking contests, and a bunch of other things.
	About the only thing the cameras weren't trained on were the open
bars, littered with crumpled paper cups and spilled beer every few feet,
and the long lines to the kegs and bathrooms.
	It was slightly less crowded here than the beach outside my hotel,
because there weren't many people laying down on the ground, but it was
still really loud. They kept making people scream in unison so that the
cameras could see how much fun they were having.
	Seeing everyone having a great time hanging out with their friends
put me in an even worse mood, because it just reminded me of how lonely I
was. Most of my friends were back in Washington, or else had taken trips to
various other beaches, so I had no one to talk to except Lisa, and I just
told you how much she was getting on my nerves already. Well, beggars can't
be choosers, right, so if Lisa was my only friend, I'd take what I can
get. But just when I decided to interrupt her annoying banter and ask her
something, someone came up to us from behind.

	"I thought I saw a nappy haired bitch done walked this way!"

	"Aahh!" Lisa screamed happily, as she turned around and recognized
the speaker. "Kadrena, is that yo black ass I see behind them shades? Where
you been girl, the sun?" she laughed. She enthusiastically hugged the girl,
and I squinted in the bright sunlight to see that there were three chicks,
two black and one Latina, and they were all wearing the same outfit, a
bikini top and a skirt thing, what is called? A sarong?

	"Mmm-hmm, and who is this you with?" said Kadrena, hands on her
hips as she pursed her lips and gave me a scathing look.

	"This is Austin, y'all. He's some friends of Timberlake," she said
simply.

	From the weird looks they were all giving me, I think they assumed
that I was somehow more involved with Lisa than just friends. Why does that
keep happening?
	I also thought it weird that Lisa said I was a friend of Justin's,
when I was really a friend of Josh's. When Lisa and I first met, hadn't one
of the main things we had in common was Justin's bad attitude? Now she
seemed to think I was closer to Justin than Josh. Or maybe these girls
didn't know Josh, but they did know Justin, and it was just easier to say
it that way.
	They were obviously friends of hers, and after deciding that I
wasn't really fit for their conversation, they all started gabbing
away. These were Lisa's friends from school, and they were all in the same
major. They talked about school and other friends of theirs, while I felt
even more miserable and left out. Not to mention white.
	I was tired and hot and lonely, and I was having this suspicious
feeling of deja vu, a repeat of last night when I had been hanging around
Josh's friends. I know I'm not that outgoing, but people usually don't just
flat out ignore me. Maybe it was because I was constantly close with Jen or
Tony or someone who was the real life of the situation, and their influence
brought me into the light.
	Whichever, I was getting tired of feeling like this. Like I didn't
belong. I was even considering ditching Lisa and heading back to the hotel
and doing my homework just so that I could feel like something needs to be
done and that I was needed. But I laughed that off. Homework could wait.
	We met Sara sometime after that. She was watching some guy eat ten
hot peppers for a chance to win a thousand dollars. Lisa introduced her as
another one of her "white friends", which earned a few laughs, and Sara
just jumped right in and started talking to them, even though they didn't
know each other too well. She didn't even care.
	I on the other hand was having a serious estrogen overdrive. I felt
like I had just gone to girl scout camp, and I was not too happy about
it. They were all talking about hair spray and ET, and I thought I was
going to kill myself, but what could I do? I didn't know anybody else, and
I didn't feel like wandering around by myself. I missed Josh so much! Come
on you fucking watch, click to two o' clock already!
	After a while, my depression was starting to be a little obvious,
so Lisa suggested we go and watch one of the bigger contests on one of the
several stages. Sometimes they have karaoke, she said.
	Sighing, as if I haven't lived until I've seen some guy drink
tequila out of a shoe, I followed the girls to one of the larger stages,
which was surrounded by a good audience of about a hundred and fifty
people, and the splashy backboards to the stage were kind of eye
catching. A cute blonde chick in a pink tube top was holding a microphone
and getting ready to start, double checking her progress with the video
camera technicians, and glancing out over the audience.
	Since it was an open set, our group just sort of joined the end of
the line as the blonde then started to walk out to center stage and smile.

	"What up, Cancun!" she said enthusiastically, after everyone had
quieted down. Everyone cheered and yelled in excitement.

	"We ready to start? You guys wanna know what we're all about over
on the good stage?"

	The crowd of course yelled "Yeah!" I started to scan the other
stages in boredom. It looked like someone was trying to juggle fire on the
stage behind us.

	"That's right, that's right. Well check it, y'all. No Spring Break
is complete without checking out the hotties, right?" An even more
enthusiastic cheer rang up. Some guy yelled "Take it off!" and everyone
laughed.

	"I don't mean me guys. We're talking about the hottie men, you know
what I'm talkin' 'bout. This is all for the ladies!" she said. "We're
looking to find a new hunky hottie for MTV Spring Break 2002!" At this, the
guys groaned, but the girls screamed even louder. I groaned as well. I
pulled Lisa aside.

	"Just because I'm with Josh doesn't mean I want to stare at a bunch
of stupid cocky guys," I told her, subtly reminding her of my outburst last
night. I was also being careful not to say "Just because I'm gay..."

	"Who says this is for you?" she cracked. "You need to take the
camera off The Austin Show for just a minute, baby." Then she whooped and
cheered loudly with the other chicks.

	"I'm outta here," I called to her. She grabbed me back.

	"Come on, it'll take two seconds. What else you got to do?" she
said. I sighed.

	"Ok y'all, here's how it works," said the speaker chick. Her twangy
Texan accent was a bit annoying. "I'm Meghan, and right now I need three
sexy guys who think they have what it takes to be the hottest guy at this
party!"

	Hands shot up in the crowd, and Meghan walked down the ramp area
and surveyed the crowd. She looked at a group of guys that puffed
themselves out and grinned, nodding their heads slightly. She turned to a
group of girls who were pulling on this one guys arm, making him smile
brightly in embarrassment. She kept toying with people, making them stand
up and then not choosing them. It was all a spectacle that I could easily
have done without.
	Finally she walked up to this one black guy that was sitting down
at the edge of the stage, and helped him up and spun him around. Girls
cheered appreciatively. I'll admit, he was very good looking, and had a
very nice body, but I had a perfectly good hottie myself who was in a busy
rehearsal schedule, so I had very little interest in watching. I checked my
watch, and it said it was a little after one.

	"Uh huh, I needs to get me on a these!" said one of Lisa's friends
behind us, and the girls all laughed and cheered. I yawned.

	Meanwhile, Meghan seemed to be considering the quiet guy. "What do
you think, ladies?" A loud raucous cheer answered her. Lisa nearly broke my
ear drum next to me. "I think we have contestant number 1! What's your
name, cutie?" Meghan said, holding out her microphone.

	"Eric," he answered in a low voice, leaning forward into the
microphone. He smiled nervously, and several girls cheered.

	"And where you from?"

	"USD," he answered again. A couple of his classmates cheered. She
handed him a plastic pin with a number one on it and told him to go stand
on the x on the stage.
	The stage was set up on a little ramp, with people gathered around
it, and Meghan kept walking around it, searching for contestant number
two. People got a little more insistent, calling a little louder, and she
came up to a very cocky blond guy who tried to look as if he knew she had
been looking at him the whole time.
	Meghan pointed to him and looked to the audience to gauge their
approval. The girls went wild. "Ok, Number 2 here we go! And what do we
call this fine specimen?" she flirted, holding out her microphone again. I
rolled my eyes.

	He grabbed the microphone. "I'm Mac, at your service," he said in
what he obviously thought was a sexy voice. Meghan smiled, then started to
tug the microphone away, but he held it and said further, "And I know I'm
fine."

	"Oh no, he did not just say that," said Lisa next to me, shaking
her head. "They better not have him win, cocky ass. They need someone nice
and wholesome." She looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I really
didn't care. She grabbed Sara and whispered something in her ear, which
prompted a smile and a nod.

	Mac took his number and struck a body builder pose on stage,
hamming it up. Several people groaned, but he got his fair share of cheers
as well.

	"Ok, one left, y'all," Meghan drawled into the mike. If she said
'y'all' one more time, I would scream.

	Since this was the last contestant (oh no!), people were starting
to get even louder, shoving their friends into participating and flagging
down Meghan, who was very obviously enjoying her job, as she got to feel a
couple of guys up for free.

	"C'mon now, ladies, who do you want up on that stage?" she teased,
after she had considered and rejected three more guys. Suddenly, Lisa and
Sara both jumped up and started yelling for her attention, grabbing both my
arms and screaming at the top of their lungs.

	"Hey!" I yelled. "Let me go, what the hell are you doing!?" I said,
trying to free myself.

	"Right here, girl, we need a real man up there!" yelled Lisa. She
had a powerful set of lungs, and Meghan turned around.

	"Oh hell no, let me go!" I moaned, scrambling to get out of their
grip, as I saw the smiling host walking our way.

	"He may be modest, but he's full of fire!" declared Sara, throwing
me in a headlock. Everyone laughed, and a couple of girls cat-called.

	"What are you doing?!?" I hissed.

	"We're trying to wipe that sad, gloomy look off your face," Sara
hissed back.

	"By humiliating me in front of a bunch of strangers?!" I said
desperately.  I pulled myself out of their grasp just as Meghan reached us.

	"Hey there," said Meghan, not hesitating to look me up and
down. "Why've you been hiding all the way back here?" she said. I
immediately blushed and covered my face in my hands in
embarrassment. Everyone laughed, but I swear I wanted to die.

	"Shy one, eh? What do you think ladies?" she said, turning back to
the crowd, whose eyes were pretty much all on me. Have I told you how much
I hate that?
	To my surprise, though, I got quite a cheer. I wasn't as interested
as I was embarrassed, but it was a cheer nonetheless. I have no idea why.

	"Allright, but if we want him in this contest, he's gonna have to
show us a little more skin!" said Meghan, prompting an even louder
response. I looked down and realized that I was still wearing a T shirt,
while most of the guys in the audience were bare.

	"Forget it!" I said defiantly, backing up and crossing my arms
across my chest. People booed and groaned.

	"Boy, take that shirt off before I rip it off you!" said Lisa
loudly. She grabbed the bottom and pulled it up slightly while I
impatiently pulled it back down. People laughed, and I furiously made a
mental note to kill Lisa as soon as we got out of this.

	"Come on, hon, this is a skin contest. Let's see some skin!"
prompted Meghan.

	Some one started chanting, "Take it off, take it off, take it off!"
then everyone started saying it, until it got louder and louder...

	"Come on, Austin, live a little," said Sara into my ear, grabbing
my shoulder and giving it a friendly squeeze. I impatiently yanked my
shoulder away from her.

	"You can't spend spring break without having at least a little
fun," said one of Lisa's friends from behind me. I'll be having my fun at
two, thank you very much, I thought furiously.

	The group's loud chants, girls cheering, and people laughing became
too much. Finally, I held up my hands and said "All right!"

	"That's my boy!" said Lisa happily. I glared daggers at her.
	Everyone cheered louder, and I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and
yanked it off, amidst an even louder encouragement of cheers, and
flattering whistles.

	"Damn!" said Meghan, eyeing my body, and I immediately crossed my
arms back over my chest in embarrassment. I couldn't help but wonder at the
attention, though, which sounded pretty happy with what they saw.

	"Shy guy's got game!" Meghan said enthusiastically, and I blushed
furiously. Meghan was second on my list of people to kill.

	"Allright, ladies, what do you think of Mr. Modest?" she said,
holding out her hand as if she were showing off a new dinette set on The
Price Is Right. To my astonishment, I got the loudest cheer. I guessed that
my modesty angle did me a favor, because I could certainly think of no way
to explain it.

	"Allright cutie, I think we have contestant number three." What?!?
"What's your name, guy?" Meghan winked.

	"Um...Austin...," I said quietly, in a daze. I felt like I was
watching someone else on TV and it wasn't me.

	"What?" she said.

	"Austin," I said a little louder. Back to reality.

	"Well, ok Austin, and what school are you from?"

	"U Dub," I said. A couple of people clapped, but I could tell there
was no one from there in the crowd.

	"Where's that?" said Meghan coyly, acting every bit the stupid
blonde.

	"Washington," I said.

	"Ok, well here's your number, head on up to those other guys,
mm-k?" said Meghan, winking seductively at me and holding out my pin. I
shot a look back at Lisa, silently trying to tell her that she was heading
back to LA in a coffin.

	Did she care? Hell no! "Go on, shake that ass, boy! Make Mama
proud!" she said loudly, and everyone cracked up laughing. Stand up
comedienne, right there. I'd never been more embarrassed in my life. Where
was the hole that I was supposed to drop into and die?
	I shook my head in disbelief, and made the walk of shame up the
ramp, taking my place on the blue x that matched the blue from my number
pin. I pinned it to my shorts, squinting as the bright sun shone right in
my eyes.
	Meghan followed me up, then took her place in the center, and
addressed the audience.
	"Ok everyone, now that we got our contestants, let's find out what
they have to do! First off, everyone knows that if you are our Spring Break
Hottie, you have to have a sexy walk, right?" Cheers and yells.

	"So let's see them sexy swaggers, gentlemen!" she said, clapping to
herself as she moved out of the way. Music came out of the speakers on
either side of the stage, and every one clapped in time to the beat.

	I immediately froze in panic. What had I gotten myself into? I
don't know how to walk sexy. I barely know how to walk regularly. I watched
Eric saunter down the ramp like a pro. At the bottom, he flexed his pecs
and did a little turnaround, like a runway model, smiling devilishly for
the crowd. They loved him, and screamed themselves hoarse. I felt like an
idiot.

	After he did his bit, Meghan said, "Very nice, very nice. Allright,
Mac, you're up."

	Mac of course knew exactly how to walk like a cocky bastard. He
even licked his lips at the end and struck another body builder pose, which
earned more laughs than cheers, but he didn't seem to mind. He smiled it
up. He even winked at Meghan as he walked back up the stage.

	Everyone clapped for him. "Allright, very good, ok now. Let's see
Austin's strut!"

	A couple of people, mainly Sara and Lisa, started clapping right
away, but I couldn't hear anything as I was concentrating on not falling
off the stage. I sort of smiled gingerly and tried my best to imitate Eric
and Mac, my head back, my body pumped, and my strides wide and confident. I
felt like such an idiot, but the audience response actually wasn't too
bad. A lot of people laughed though, but that wasn't as much a deterrent as
I thought it would be. I smirked in what I thought was a sexy expression at
the end and even raised my eyebrows at a couple girls in the audience, my
expression relaxed. I walked back up smiling wider than I did going down.
	Once I got back to my x, I decided that things could have been
worse. They could have entered me in a keg stand contest, or make me guess
how many jello-shots are in that Jacuzzi.

	After the walk, we had to do a bunch of other dumb, but funny
stuff, including coming up with a line, having a sexy dance, and answering
a whole bunch of dating questions, like...if your girlfriend invited you to
a party, then talked to her friends all night, would you say
anything. There was even a part where Meghan selected three random girls
from the audience, and we had to tease them with some passion fruit and
whipped cream.
	It was actually kind of fun being up there, having people try and
help you answer some of the questions, and everyone was having a great
time, especially with the food. It sure beat hanging around, being
depressed because everyone else seemed to be having a blast. I also got a
kick out of everyone laughing at me. I didn't feel so self conscious one I
started getting into it. Lisa kept shouting embarrassing things at me from
the back of the crowd, and everyone laughed at us.
	As for the contests themselves, I won the sexiest smile contest,
and I got the most right for the dating questions, and by the end, I
realized that I had a decent share of audience support, who I guess really
got into my shyness thing. Score! I even did well in the flexing contest,
to my surprise, although I didn't really have as much bravado as the other
guys.
	Meghan lined us all up on stage again after the last contest to
determine the winner, who would be judged according to something called an
"applause-o-meter", and we would apparently be judged on looks, attitude,
and sex appeal.

	"Ok, this is it guys! Before we crown our hunky new hottie, let's
give these guys a round of applause for participating and being such good
sports!" Applause.

	"I'd also like to thank you all for being here and givin' em love,
because without you, this wouldn't be a contest! Give yourselves a round of
applause!" Everyone clapped and whooped and cheered. To Meghan's credit,
she knew how to rile up a crowd.

	"Ok, here we go. I want you to scream yourselves silly if this
year's 2002 Hunk of Cancun is going to be contestant number one, Eric from
USD!" Eric received a very enthusiastic, raucous cheer, so enthusiastic, I
was sure that he would be the winner. Not only was he a very attractive
guy, he oozed hidden sex appeal, and he won most of the other contests. He
wasn't as cocky and self centered as Mac seemed to be, but he had
confidence and class. I clapped politely.

	"Cool beans, cool beans," said Meghan. "Aright, and now make some
noise if you think Macky-boy is our hunkiest hottie!" Mac, of course, waved
his hands up and down, indicating the audience to raise it up for him, and
he got a good amount of applause, but it was fairly obvious that Eric had
won. Mac's cocky attitude severely affected his score. I clapped for Mac
too, then quickly checked my watch. I didn't want to be late for Josh's
performance. I was cutting it pretty close too, since it was already 1:51,
and Josh was on stage across the beach at two.

	Although I did have fun, I really didn't think I had a chance to
actually win this thing, I mean come on. I didn't want to enter in the
first place, and my goofy attempts at being sexy were generally laughed at,
not encouraged. Remember earlier when I had tried to do a sexy strip show
to tease Lisa in the hotel room? I'm just not a very seductive person, I
always just feel corny and stupid.

	"And last, but definitely not least, give it up for Austin from
Washington State (dumb ass, I was from UW, not Washington State) if you
think he's the hottest stud up there!"

	The crowd went wild, literally. I was struck dumb at the volume of
support I had, which even I had to admit was higher than Eric's
applause. Girls were screaming at the top of their lungs, and several girls
even tossed me their flowery lei necklace thingies which they had been
passing out at the front earlier. Even guys were clapping for me, flashing
thumbs up and toasting their drinks to the guy who was just as dorky as
them. Lisa practically went hoarse, and I saw that all her friends and Sara
were excitedly cheering for me too. It was quite an ego boost.

	"I think we have a winner!" said Meghan excitedly, and some hip hop
music sounded from the huge amplifiers surrounding the stage to signify
people to quiet down and acknowledge my win.

	I was in complete disbelief. How had I won? I hadn't done very well
in most of the contests; I was like the comedy relief. But I didn't have
much time to worry, so I just sort of smiled stupidly at everyone and
followed Meghan downstage, where they were going to present me with
something, probably another pin. Mac gave me a dirty look as I walked down
the stage.

	"Congratulations, Austin, you are our MTV Spring Break Hottie for
today, ok? And as the hunky new winner, you just scored yourself two
tickets to Pacuas del Toro, an exclusive new restaurant right next to the
Marriot at Jirocanaguas Square!"

	"All right!" yelled Lisa, who had managed to push herself to the
front of the crowd. "You are so taking me there tonight!" she grinned.

	"You wish!" I snapped back.

	"It's a great place for you and your girlfriend to experience some
of the freshest tastes of southeastern Mexican cuisine," continued Meghan,
who was reading the information off a card.

	"She's not my girlfriend," I quickly corrected her, but nobody was
listening, as everyone around us started clapping and yelling.

	Meghan "crowned" me with those flowery necklace thingies, made me
take a picture with her and the other two, then handed me my prize. I
thought that was it, but after people started leaving, the attention was
still on me, because as I was trying to get my way out of the crowd, I got
bombarded with people congratulating me. I was saved from any lewd offers
from buzzed females because Lisa linked her arm through mine and basked in
the reflected glory, which just made us look even more like we were a
couple. I shrugged off her arm once I took another glance at my watch, and
I saw that I was almost four minutes late already to Josh's performance.
	Shit! Time to move. Not giving much of an explanation, I
practically knocked down three people as I bolted away from Lisa and her
friends and ran from the blue contest booths down the beach, aiming
straight for the center stage, the one surrounded by at least three or four
hundred people who were all seated on towels on the ground.
	The huge main stage was built of white inlaid beech wood boards,
swept clear of wiring and serving as a billboard for a few colorful MTV
promotional placards and their sponsors, who were apparently Ford,
McDonalds, and Pepsi. The stage was backed by black crisscrossing rick rack
construction work, so that you could see the calm blue ocean behind it
dotted with sailboats and surfers, but it was meant to hold up the bright
lights, wiring, audio and video output, and a tripod of television monitors
that was replaying on stage what the people would be seeing when they tuned
to MTV. The wall looked flimsy, but it must have been able to hold
thousands of pounds of pressure as the speakers and large cameras didn't
look too light.
	The group on stage was not N'sync. It was some sort of dancing rap
group, spearheaded by a boisterous female rapper, whose colorful jump suits
and jerseys looked painfully hot. I breathed a sigh of relief, then tried
to find out how I could get closer to the stage.
	Since there was no back to the stage, and there was nothing obvious
like a wall for the next performers to stand behind, and there were
certainly no elevators under the ground to bring people on, I wondered how
the hell did they get Josh on stage?
	I looked around frantically trying to see where he would be
standing. It had to be close, he was supposed to be on already. Had I
missed him? It looked as if the current performers had simply dropped from
the sky onto the stage, as there was literally, no way for them to get on
stage, because there were people seated practically right at the edge
Unless they walked right down the wide center aisle?
	As if in answer to my question, the main woman rapper, who was
wearing a white and red and black jogging suit, walked down the center
aisle with the mike in her hand, holding and pointing and gesticulating to
the crowd while she danced up and down the aisle, her live words sounding
strange against the obviously previously recorded track.
	I had reached the stage from the left hand side, so my eyes
followed the center aisle to a smaller stage behind the audience, where
three huge MTV "seater" cameras were posted, and I finally saw Josh and the
guys, dressed in their funny pirate costumes and waiting their turn. Of
course, they were standing as far as it was possible to stand from me.
	I tried to get closer, but people had set up their towels
practically on top of one another. I also couldn't circle around the group,
because security guards had been dispatched everywhere, and they formed a
crescent around behind the audience.
	 It wouldn't have done me any good to move anyway, because the
people on stage finished up, striking a cliched rappers ending pose, and
everyone clapped and yelled. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone got a sore
throat after this trip, considering how much screaming we had to do. I
eagerly looked up the stage to see Justin and Nelly move to either side of
a dark haired chick wearing pink tinted sunglasses, the rest of N'sync
standing behind them. The chick had a mike in her hand and she was talking
to the MTV video cameras, which kept swiveling around.
	"All right, give it up for Eve, and her new album, Eve-olution
everybody! Woo! Up next we got a little some'm some'm from Nelly and
N'sync! I have Nelly and Justin Timberlake right here, so tell me guys,
excited to be here?"

	Nelly leaned forward and said, "Yeah, we always love kicking it
here in Cancun, straight up. I wanna give a shout out to all my peeps back
in Louie, dawg, for shizzle."

	"Yo JT, what's with the crutches, dawg?" the girl said.

	Justin grabbed the microphone and said, "I had a little ax-see-dent
at the gym a couple days ago." Like, every girl in the audience let out a
sympathetic "awww!" and he smiled it up. "But ain't no twisted ankle's
gonna keep me away from here, we love you guys, it's always been for the
fans, you know, all the way, this song is for y'all!"

	Everyone cheered, and the girl turned to the camera and said,
"Allright here we go, Nysnc and Nelly, this is Girlfriend, and thank you
for watching MTV!!"
	With that, Josh's background music came on, and they all walked
down to the stage at the back, Justin hobbling along pathetically on his
crutches. They sank to the ground while they were walking to hold their
hands out to reach out to the audience along the aisle, and when they
finally started their dance routine, I realized it was quite a bit
different from the rehearsal they had done back in LA, to compensate for
Justin.
	I decided to stay put as I locked my eyes on Josh and couldn't help
but settle into a smile as I watched his completely focused
attention. Regardless of the set back Justin's accident made, he still
looked like he was doing the performance of his life time. All of his moves
looked silken, like a well-oiled machine. He looked awesome, and he had the
same expression on his face that he has every single time he performed,
rehearsal or not: complete excitement.
	He couldn't see me, but I didn't care. I would see him afterward,
and I was looking forward to seeing his eyes light up when he saw
me. That's it. We didn't have to talk, we didn't have to kiss or anything,
I just wanted to see his eyes light up. I absolutely loved it when he did
that, and for that I would sit through their performance.
	I sat down on my ankles, ready to sprint over to him as soon as he
finished, as I watched the performance, a real smile crossing my face for
the day. I was so psyched to see him, that I overlooked a lot of things
that would've bothered me at any other concert. Like, I didn't mind that
the pre-recorded track sounded awful with the acoustics of the completely
open beach. I didn't mind that the people in front of me were talking non
stop about something and it was at just the right volume for me to
practically catch every word over the music.
	 I didn't even mind too much that from where I was sitting, Justin
was almost always standing in front of Josh, and that they just left Justin
leaning on his crutches in center stage the entire song. I didn't mind that
once Josh actually got his solo, Justin stole the spotlight by coming to
the edge of the stage, leaning low on his leg and touching hands with girls
from the audience. I didn't mind that Josh stood in the back row with Lance
and Joey and Chris instead up at the front with Nelly and Justin like at
the rehearsals in LA. I didn't mind that Josh's dance routines were
completely over shadowed by Nelly's moves from the side, and I didn't mind
that the cameras were swiveling around all over Justin, but never once
zeroed in on Josh.
	I vaguely recognized all the dance moves as the same, but it didn't
bother me that all the positions had been moved, and that all of the other
dancers had been fired. It was also a lot longer, almost ten minutes of
them repeating the chorus over and over again, almost everyone getting
bored and talking to their neighbors. But like I said, I didn't mind. I
especially didn't mind that after they were done, girls were chanting
Justin's name and saying stuff like "Justin, I love you!" I didn't mind
because I only wanted to watch it for one reason.
	They struck their final pose, and everyone lit up with applause,
and I watched them make their exit, walking back up the aisle but to the
left of the mini stage with the MTV chick, who was busy with the next
act. They walked towards me, and I quickly jumped up, and scrambled around
the towels of the audience to get as close as I could, which was outside of
a group of security that was forming a line of protection against some fans
for the guys to walk through to get into a car parked on the sand behind
everyone.
	I tried to muscle through the guards, completely caught up in
thoughts of seeing Josh's eyes, but some security guard shoved me
back. "And where do you think you're going?" he sneered.

	"Yo, I'm with MTV," I said angrily. "See?" I started to pat my
chest for my MTV tag, but I came upon bare skin. "Oh shit!" I said, looking
down and realizing I had left my T shirt with my MTV badge on it with
Lisa. Fuck!!
	"No wait, I seriously had a badge, it was pinned to my shirt!" I
said desperately to the guard.

	"Whatever, just back off," he said, moving stoically in front of me
so that I couldn't even see them. NO!!!!!

	"Josh!" I shouted desperately, moving around the guard to peer over
his shoulders. I moved closer, in front of a shorter guard, and tried to
see over his head. "Josh!!" I shouted again, but my shout was nothing
against the cheers and screams of people for Justin, and the sudden booming
music as the next act took the stage behind us. Through a glimpse as
someone moved out of the way, I saw Josh holding open the car door for the
other guys to get in, the ocean gleaming blue behind him. He had on a pair
of sunglasses that looked really familiar, though I don't think I had seen
him wear them before.

	"Josh!" I tried to scream even louder, but everyone was screaming
and shouting now that the next act had reached the stage, some loud punk
rock group, and the music seemed to get louder and louder. I screamed his
name two more times, but he didn't hear me as he got up in the car and shut
the door.
	A low chained-link fence had been set up to separate the area where
I was standing from a cleared path for the car to drive through, so that no
one could jump in front of the car's path. I considered leaping over it,
but I could see that I was being watched fairly carefully by the guards in
line, so my shoulders just slumped as I watched the car start to drive
away.
	Defeated, all I could do was watch the four wheel drive kick on,
and I couldn't see through the darkly tinted windows either as it sped
right past me. So this was how it was going to be. I felt even more
depressed than I had this morning, when I was complaining about not seeing
him until 2. Now I would have to wait another 8 hours.
	This morning...this sure did seem like deja vu. I felt like I had
already been through this all of a sudden. The ocean, the railing, the
music, the sunglasses...
	But someone must have been smiling on me that day, because as I was
struggling to remember, the truck slowed to a halt, and a window rolled
down. Josh's head poked out, the dusty breeze knocking his dark, curly hair
in front of his face. He took off his sunglasses.
	"Austin?" he shouted, his beautiful white smile gleaming back at
me. My grin must have rivaled the Cheshire cat's. "C'mon, man! Our
interview's in less than fifteen minutes!" he popped open the door and
waved at me to join them, and I jogged up to where the car was parked,
leaped over the fence like a pro, and climbed in.

	"Whoa, Austin, you looked like just another spring breaker! We
totally didn't even recognize you!" said Joey, sliding over so that I could
sit in the middle seat next to him. Lance tumbled into the way back seat so
Josh could sit next to me.

	"Well, I was going to sit in the hotel and just catch you guys as I
flipped through the channels on TV," I said with a smile, "But Lisa dragged
me out to go wandering around the beach." It looked like Nelly hadn't
gotten into the car with us.

	"Lisa, huh? She is so hot. Wish she'd drag me," said Joey, licking
his lips and raising his eyebrows. I laughed.

	"Dude, no one can drag your fat ass," called Lance from the back.
	"Your mom can," Joey retorted.

	"Well good man, because you don't want to watch what they put on
TV. They edit it out so that you only see about two minutes. You wouldn't
even be able to see it until four," said Josh, plainly ignoring them.

	"Really? You guys were up there forever," I said.

	"Forever? It was barely ten minutes! You can't even listen to our
song for ten minutes?! That TV really does ruin you kids' attention spans,"
said Lance, in mock outrage.

	"Sorry dude, I can't help it that you guys sound like the
Chipmunks," I said.
	Everyone shouted out loud in friendly outrage; even Chris managed a
smile, though he quickly covered it up.

	"Its better than that trash metal, garbage punk stuff I saw in your
CD wallet," spoke up Justin. I turned to face him, wondering when the hell
he'd been in my CD wallet, but Joey interrupted me by pulling out an air
guitar, grinding his face up and lifting his knee as his fingers thumbed
invisible chords.

	"Death to all, kill this place...suicide, in your face...duhn duhn
duhnnnn!!!"

	Everyone laughed. "That was pretty good, Joe. Maybe you can pretend
to sing for one of their bands the same way you pretend to sing for ours,"
said Josh.

	"Ohhh!" everyone groaned.

	"Well forgive me for not wanting to inhale a tank of helium to hit
your high notes, Chasez. Those of us who have hit puberty can only stay
within a certain range," Joey smirked.

	"Ohhh!" we all groaned again.

	At this, Chris turned around. "Puberty, Joe? Is that what you call
those things on your chin? I thought you just stopped showering, it
would've explained the smell." Everyone cracked up, me more from shock that
Chris was even speaking to us. He leaned around from the front passenger
seat and jeered.

	"What was that, toadstool? You wish you were as hairy as me, at
least that way people wouldn't constantly be thinkin' you're 12. And how
many years ago was that? The eighties, I believe?"

	"Listen, Chewbacca..." Chris started, but he didn't get to finish,
we were all laughing so hard.
	Joey laughed the hardest, of course. "Oh, I see how it is, I'm
getting it from all sides now, huh? Hell, fine by me, I got Austin on my
side, jock-boy'll kill all you turds," he said finally, grabbing my
shoulders and using me as a shield as he playfully shifted me around.

	"Jock boy?" I laughed, moving free.

	"Hell yeah, jock boy. Look at you, you're starting to make me feel
jealous. No wonder Lisa's been all up on top of you," said Joey, pointing
at me.

	 I looked cautiously back at Josh, uneasy about the way this
conversation was heading. But he smiled charmingly back at me.

	"She's gonna have to take a number," he said, gazing at me. The
others groaned.

	"Huh?" I said cautiously, caught off guard. Now I was really
uncomfortable all of a sudden. I know Josh and I had that talk last night
about having faith in our relationship, but was he already insinuating that
I was flirting with Lisa or Justin?

	"You know, she has to take a number, because I got you first," he
said slowly, smiling, thinking I just didn't get the joke. I took the bait.

	"Ohhhhh..." I said, as if I had just gotten it. Everyone laughed at
my expense. I said it just to move the conversation to something
else. Sometimes playing stupid just works in my favor.

	Unfortunately, not this time.

	"It's ok, Austin," said Justin patronizingly from behind me,
patting me on the shoulder. "You jocks have an excuse to be stupid." Well
that's not what I wanted to hear, and I whipped my head around and glared
at him to say something defensive, but he smiled sweetly at me, so I knew
he was kidding. I really need to stop being so sensitive around these
guys. They're always joking around. I need to lighten up.

	"Hey, Austin's the one getting the college education,
Justy. Something I don't remember you looking into," said Joey, coming to
my defense.

	"Excuse me, Ph.D," Justin bristled. "And what college did you
graduate from? Barber, or clown?"

	Joey smiled. "I was actually going to head to film school if I
hadn't agreed to sing back up for you so that you'd sound like you had some
balls."

	"What?!?" Justin squealed shrilly, causing everyone in the car to
crack up. "Fuck that, who asked who, Joey? Who wanted who to submit a
demo?"

	"Calm down Curly, I'm just kidding around," Joey laughed.

	"We're here," said the bodyguard as we pulled up to another
palatial hotel, this one only three stories tall in colonial Spanish style,
tiled patios spreading around the building to welcome us into its elegance.
	Everyone was laughing and joking around as we got out of the car
and started walking towards the hotel, I hardly noticed the bodyguards. We
were bowed graciously into the lobby where these interviews were going to
take place by a bunch of hotel employees and photographers and newspeople,
and I felt almost as if I were a member of N'sync.
	This hotel was entirely outdoors, as well as the place where they
were doing their interviewers, which gave it a very relaxed
atmosphere. Once we reached the area, Lance and Joey still trading one
liners, I saw that they had set up five stools for them to sit, and a
pretty young dark haired woman in a dark blue business suit and a clipboard
came up to us.
	"Unfortunately, the interviewer is running a little late," she
said, biting her lip and clutching the clipboard to her chest.
	The guys groaned, but Justin said angrily to the woman, "What do
you mean, the interviewer is late?"
	"She called to say that she got stuck in traffic, and won't be here
for another ten to fifteen minutes," the woman said quietly. Her ID tag
identified her as Wynn, and she was a press agent.
	"Screw that, we don't have time to just be waiting around! We have
important things to do today!" he said, outraged. I felt everyone cringe
around us.
	I, however, wasn't in the mood for a snobby Justin. "Chill, dude,
it'll only be fifteen minutes. It'll give you more time to fix your hair."
Snickers followed this, but Justin gave me the evil eye.
	"Austin..." he started, his eyes narrowed.
	"Well, we'll just wait for her over there, ok?" Josh said suddenly,
and he pulled on my lei to yank me out of Justin's war path. His hand got
entangled with the flowers as we half ran, half walked away from the
interview area around a corner.
	Out of earshot, I started to thank Josh for saving me, but he
pressed up right against me, pushing me tight against the wall.
 	Then he slammed into my lips with his and made out with me deeply
with a very hot, sticky kiss. He leaned back.
	I grinned stupidly back at him, and pushed his hair back out of his
eyes. I stared into his eyes as I left my hand in his hair. God, I loved
him.
	"Want a quickie?" he whispered in my ear, his tongue licking behind
my ear lobe and taking it into his mouth for a brief second. God, I loved
him even more.
	"Here?" I said breathlessly.
	He shook his head. "Nuh uh. Changing room, right there." He pulled
my head to the side where I saw a long line of open changing stalls for
people to change for the beach a few hundred yards away.
	"We could so get caught," I whispered.
	"Do you care?"
	"Not really."
	We took off for the booths, me looking both ways to see if any of
the guys had followed us. I pushed Josh into a red one and swung shut the
hinged red door. You could still see our feet underneath, and the sun shone
brightly into its roofless interior.
	Josh and I practically fell back against the back wall, our tongues
sliding all over each other's lips and mouths, our hands caressing each
other's bodies. I quickly unbuttoned his blue and black costume and pulled
up the white beater he had underneath it, licking the beads of sweat off
his hard, muscled abs.
	Josh yanked off the necklace thingies, and started to run his hands
through my hair, which was wet with sweat. My tongue made it to the bottom
of his sculpted chest, and I started to bite and suck in the middle of his
chest, leaving a little red mark. My hands cupped and kneaded his ass, my
finger periodically stroking his crack. Josh whimpered slightly, and he
pulled his shirt off himself, yanking the beater off in one swipe,
revealing his chiseled, sweaty muscles.
	My mouth attached itself to his right nipple, while my hand ran up
along his stomach, very carefully teasing, and avoiding, his crotch. My
other hand ran itself along the inside of his leg.
	My hands met at his waistband, and I undid the belt and quickly
unzipped him, while my mouth switched to the other nipple. Since I couldn't
see what I was doing, I fumbled a lot, but the way Josh was breathing, I
figured he liked it.
	I stood up fully, probing my long tongue into his mouth, licking
the inside all over. I wanted to taste every part of him, and my tongue
ached trying to stretch all the way down his throat. He groaned into my
mouth, while his hands boldly cupped my cock through my shorts, then
swiftly started to pull them down.
	My hands had already worked out from his boxers Josh's long,
bronzed dick, the thick, purplish head looking so enticing. I purposely
avoided it as I bent down to pull Josh Pants all the way to the ground.
	"Ohhh...."Josh groaned, just low enough not to be overheard.
	I grabbed it with my hand as I stood back up, thumbing the head and
running my other fingers along the spidery veins. He practically came in my
hand as I pushed his body back against the wall with my shoulder and raped
his mouth with my tongue.
		A tiny bead of clear, whitish liquid appeared at his slit,
and I wiped it up with my hand and brought it to our mouths, were he
greedily leaned forward and lapped it up, then jammed his tongue into my
mouth to share it. I started top slowly rub my hand up and down the shaft,
just the way I liked to jack, with my thumb and first two fingers forming a
ring.
	Josh moved his back up and down the wall in tune to my rubbing, and
I had to hold him in place with my chest to stop him from moving as we
continued to make out heavily, spit and pre come slimed all over our faces.
	I started to wave my index finger over the head of his cock on my
up thrusts, because I knew it drove him crazy when I did that with my
tongue. As expected, he practically melted against me, and I could
practically feel his heart rabbiting against me.
	I let go of his mouth and started to lick and kiss his ear, my hand
moving faster. "You like that?" I grunted.
	"Uh huh," he muttered, his words coming with short gasps. I felt
him get close, and my other hand started to tickle and fondle his nuts
while I continued to pull on his thick shaft.
	"I was jacking as hard as I could, and then suddenly, Josh put his
hands on top of mine as he started to jack himself with me, squeezing my
hands underneath. He did that for a minute, my hand starting to get really
hot attached to that piece of steel and covered by his hands, and he
started to come. He started to whimper a little bit, and I quickly jammed
my tongue in his mouth to stop him from screaming, while his cock continued
to jizz streams and streams of his cream onto my hand.
	I brought my hand back to my mouth, and he watched me lick it all
up.
	"Oh man," he whispered back. I thought we were done, but his hands
grabbed me around my waist, pinching my ass, and he yanked down my shorts,
leaving me in my black swimming suit. Instead of complaining, Josh just
wormed his hand into my crotch, and his hand circled my hard steely dick,
which was pointed straight up, pinned to my stomach by the waistband of the
trunks.
	"I want that," he moaned into my ear while I was busy chewing on
his neck.  He tapped my cock with his finger.
	He shoved me back away from him with an amazing burst of strength,
then dropped to his knees and pried out my dick. Before I could blink, his
tongue was lapping all over it, the sticky head sliding briefly between his
hot lips. I leaned against the other wall as he started to squeeze his lips
together, making them a tight ring which he forced my dick through, his
tongue teasing me all over.
	I couldn't stand it much longer, as he started to slowly slide his
mouth up my cock, his tongue teasing the tip and piss slit, and I knew I
would last a while five seconds. The last thing I saw was half my cock down
his throat, the muscles in his neck squeezing me and trying to milk out my
come, when I couldn't stand it any longer. I pulled out and shot like
bullets into his open mouth, five or six huge loads. He swallowed most of
it, some had ended up on his face and in his hair. He stood up and hugged
me tight, his tongue swallowing me from the inside. Yeah, I loved him all
right. Jen who.


Always best to leave off with a bang, huh? More to come. Email me to get on
my list. scottiescot@hotmail.com