Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 10:20:59 -0700 (PDT) From: Liliana Mae Subject: my heart is in your hands chapter one Title: my heart is in your hands Chapter One: promises never last forever Disclaimer: this is not meant to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of *nsync. it's just for fun. :) hey hey. up for a little romance? yes, my story will have sex in it eventually, but i'm really trying to focus more on the love between two people, okay? anyway, if you like it, great. send me an email or something. my address is thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com. i'd love to hear your thoughts. on you go... chapter one... have fun! --lili ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ my heart is in your hands Justin sat up slowly, his eyes fixating on the paper between his fingers. He couldn't believe what he was reading. It was as if everything he was knew was slowly slipping through his hands. Reading it to himself again and again, he tried to make sense of the words that cut through him like a dagger. Dear Justin, I hate that I have to write this to you instead of telling it to your face. But honestly, staring into those intense eyes of yours would keep me from saying the things I need to say. First of all, I love you, Justin. Know that. I will always love you. I just can't give enough of myself to you. I don't know if it's just my insecurities or my own self-hatred, but it's just not enough. You deserve more. You deserve better. These past few months with you have contained many of the best moments of my life, and I will always carry them with me. Even though it hurts, I will think about you night and day. I hope you know how much you mean to me. Please, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. And I'm going to force myself not to worry about you. I know your friends will take care of you. Don't wait for me. Find someone who can give you what you deserve. Look around you. What you truly need may have been staring you in the face this whole time. Love always, Matt Tears stung his eyes as he realized his relationship with Matt was truly over. It's true, things weren't too great between them, but he loved him. Didn't he? Everything in the letter was so true, so real. Justin did deserve more, and as hard as Matt tried, he couldn't give it to him. Matt wasn't used to sharing his life with someone else, and Justin always felt as if he were hiding a large part of himself. Matt would avoid talking about himself as much as possible, even if it meant leaving the room when Justin asked too many questions. But all Justin could think about at that moment was the way Matt's arms felt around him, the way he used to hold him. Justin's sobs became audible from inside the small dressing room and JC hurried to see what the matter was. JC was always there for Justin, through every bad night and inescapable day. He ran down the hall to the room where Justin was lying motionless on the plush couch. He slowly sat down next to him and gently touched his back, soothing his pain. Justin looked up, crying uncontrollably. He handed JC the letter. As JC read it to himself, Justin looked at him expectantly, hoping he would hold the answer he was looking for. "I'm so sorry, Justin. I'm here for you, don't worry. It's going to be okay." Coming from anyone else, Justin would have dismissed this and plead to be left alone. But this was JC. JC was the one he trusted more than anything. He remembered all the nights after Matt would push him away, sending Justin into a spiral of emptiness. JC always listened, he always cared. Justin smiled weakly through the pain as he felt JC's tender touch. They embraced and his warm tears rolled down his cheek onto JC's shirt. JC rubbed his back, holding him close. He had always been so worried about him, fearing that his relationship with Matt would come to a screeching halt any second. It seemed that the impending second had finally arrived. Justin pulled away slowly, looking into JC's piercing eyes. It was as if he could see right through him, exposing everything inside. He couldn't hide anything from him... and he didn't want to. "JC, it just seems like everything is gone now, ya know?" "It seems that way now, but don't worry. It just takes time." "How long? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just don't want to deal with it." JC watched the way Justin's lips moved as he articulated his pain. He focused on his vocal patterns as he wiped away his tears. He hated to see him like this. It was almost as if JC were in more pain than Justin. "I don't know how long. But I'll be there every step of the way." "I know you will, JC," Justin said, trying to sound as upbeat as possible. He then looked down at the paper that separated the two. Half of him wanted to tear it apart in anger, while the other half wanted to fold it up and keep it close to him at all times. He wondered if JC could sense his complete confusion. He had always wanted to seem strong and in control around him. He wanted to convey a different personality to him. But he could never hide from JC. He had such immense respect for him and wanted that respect to be mutual. Justin had no idea just how true that was. JC wrapped his fingers around Justin's shaking hand and smiled brightly. He wished he could just take away all his pain and see that smiling face he loved so much. But it wasn't going to be that easy. JC gave his hand a little squeeze and Justin laughed quietly. He loved knowing JC was there for him. He needed him. Justin squeezed back and pulled his hand away from JC's, wrapping both of his arms around his neck. JC held him close and ran his hands through his curly hair. When Justin released and sat back, a smile emerged on his face. "That's what I like to see," JC said happily. "Yeah," Justin said, straining to sound like the carefree teenager he once was. He knew he could never go back, but part of him wanted to just slip back in time to before he met Matt. It would have eliminated so much pain. But then it would have also eliminated so many nights when he laid in JC's arms as they watched Adam Sandler movies to take his minds off things. Wait... was that all that kept him from wishing away his relationship with Matt? After a few moments of silence, Justin picked up the piece of paper, took it between his two hands, and pulled gently. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ well, that was chapter one. please send me an email and let me know if this is something you would like to see more of. my address is thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com thanks for reading-- nifty rocks! :)