"Get Ready...Tonight...Gonna make this a night [love] to remember."  by Shalamar

My Kinda Guy
My Kinda Guy -- A Love To Remember
Chapter -- 8
by JT Poole and Nicole Brown

Jan 5, 2005 - Lexington, KY --Ann Richardson's Home -- After Dark

Kevin's POV

What's wrong with me?  Everything was going great until things got out of hand with Nick.  Is Nick the root to this empty feeling or is there more?  For the last couple of weeks I've been feeling empty inside, like there's something missing, yet I don't know what that something is.  JT and me are together, so it isn't him.  The only thing I can think of is Nick.  Then again, I've had this feeling before, before Nick and me ever started arguing.  What could this feeling mean?

"Hey baby, is there something wrong?"  JT asks me, walking into the den, sitting next to me on the sofa.  "You've been in here a long time.  Your mom sent me in here to check on you."

"I'm okay baby, I've just been sitting here thinking," I say, kissing him on the cheek.  "Don't worry about me, I'm okay."

"Are you sure baby?"  He asks, me, taking my hand, holding it in his own.  "I've been getting a strange vibe from you all day.  Are you still upset about what Howard said?"

"No I'm not upset about that at all.  I'm just glad he's doing what he can to fix things.  I'm married to you, not Kristin.  You're the one I love and want to be with, not her.  I don't care how hard she fights, I'm not leaving you."  I tell him, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him passionately.

"I'm glad he's fixing things too.  I know who you love and I'm not worried about it.  Things will work out, have a little faith baby," he says, placing his finger under my chin and lifting it, causing me to look him in the eye.  "Regardless of what happens Kevin, I'll always love you.  Nothing's going to change that."

"I know what it is, I know what it is now," I say as he looks at me like I was crazy.

"Know what what is?"  He asks me.

"Baby...baby I have something to ask you and the last few days being here has shown me what it is that I'm about to say."  I tell him.

"What is it Kevin?  What is it that you want to say?"  He asks me, turning to look at me.

"I want us to have a baby JT...," I say as he interrupts me.

"A baby?  You want to have a baby?  How are you going to have a baby Kev, you don't have the right plumbing for that," he says, looking at me like he was about to get up and run from the room.

"Yeah baby, I want us to have a baby.  That's why I've been feeling like there's something missing all this time.  Remember on Christmas morning when Nikki and D announced that they were having another baby?"  I ask him.

"Yeah I remember that baby, it hasn't been that long ago Kev."  He tells me.

"That's when that empty feeling first started with me.  At first I thought it was because me and you were having problems and all, but after things returned back to normal for us, that feeling came back.  Now every time I would look at little kids or whenever we would keep Junior and Levi, that feeling comes back." I try explaining to him as he just stares at me.  "I know this is a big thing to take in, but I truly believe that's what's missing in our lives and I know you want this just like I do.  I see how you act with Junior and Levi.  Shoot you and lil CJ get along so great, compared to how he acts around other people.  We would be great fathers baby."

"I don't know Kevin.  When it comes to raising kids, that's a lot of work and time.  With your career and mine, how would we ever have time for kids?"  He asks me.

"We would make the time baby.  D and Nikki have two and are expecting another.  They make it work."  I tell him.

"Yeah because Nikki is a stay at home mom for right now.  She doesn't know when she's going to resume her career, so that's why it works Kevin."  He tells me, looking down at the couch.  "That all works for those two because she's at home while Howie is off on tour with you.  I'm guessing for us, it would be me home with the kids while you're off on tour or whateva."

"Baby we won't always be off on tour and you know that," I say, forcing him to look at me again.  "You know if we did have kids, I'd be right there with you every step of the way.  It's not like we couldn't be together on the road."

"Kevin you can't raise a family on a tour bus.  You might as well put that out of your head right now."  He tells me as mom and Tim walk into the room.

"Are you two okay in here?"  Mom asks, walking over to stand in front of us.  "I heard some very heated voices in here."

"Everything's okay here mom.  We're only having a discussion," I say, looking at JT and then looking down.

"What kind of discussion son?"  Mom asks, looking down at us.  "From the looks on both of your faces, it was a devastating one."

"Might as well had been.  I think I need to go outside and get some air," he says, releasing my hand as he gets up and walks out of the room.

On the way to Florida Hospital

Joey's POV

Oh my God! Damnit, this is my entire fucking fault.  If I had been around for him, been there for him, this wouldn't be happening.  Only if I hadn't been too wrapped up in what was going on with my sons and Nikki, I might've been able to see some signs that he was thinking of doing something like this.  Why God, why would he really want to take his life?  I know me being around my sons and Nikki can't be the only reason.  There has to be something else.  What happened to bring this on?

"I'm a terrible fucking husband.  How could I not know that something was wrong with him?"  I cry out, leaning my head against the back seat as Howie and Nikki sat in the front in silence.  "This is all my fault.  If I had paid attention to what was going on between us instead of ignore everything, I would've been able to help him, not have him hurt himself."

"Joe honey you can't blame yourself for this.  For the last couple of weeks Josh hasn't exactly been Mr. Personality.  How were you supposed to know that he was capable of doing something like this?  We've all been witnesses to his drunken tirades and he basically made it impossible for any of us to know what was going on with him."  Kick tells me, turning around in the seat.

"She has a point Joe.  How were you supposed to know something was wrong with him?  Every time he's been around with us, he's done nothing but alienate himself from us.  It's kind of hard to read any signs from someone that isn't around.  He was the one that chose to leave you Joe.  He was the one that didn't want to have anything to do with you or the boys as long as `Licia was around.  Listen to her, you can't blame yourself for this, there was no way for you to know he was going to do something as stupid as this."  D affirms what Kick was saying.

"Regardless of him doing that, I should've known something was wrong with him.  I knew he wasn't acting normal when he started drinking heavily.  That should have been my first clue right there.  I know he gets jealous at times, but not jealous enough to rant and rave the way he did when we first got to the hotel.  Something else is wrong with him; I just don't know what it is."  I tell them, still crying as we arrive at the hospital.

Up in JC's ICU Room

JC's POV

Please God, please just let me die.  I no longer want to be here.  I don't deserve to be here with any of them.  This place isn't right for me anymore; I just don't fit in here with any of them anymore.  Why can't I just die?   That would make things easier for all of them.  That was my plan from the start, kill me and everybody's life gets one hundred percent better.  There's nothing here for me anymore.  No family, no friends, no nothing.  I just don't belong here anymore.  I just can't stand being here anymore.  I need that eternal darkness, I crave it, crave it more than anything else in this world.

Why can't they all just leave me alone?  I know they don't want me here, so why are they trying so hard to keep me here?  First Justin starts, now he's brought along his flunky of a husband to help him out.  Like I really want to be reminded of the things I don't have.  I don't have the love of my own husband and I don't have his friendship.  That's something I don't need to be reminded of.  I don't need to be here any longer, I just can't stay here any longer, I won't stay.  What must I do to get them to see that?  I'll think of a way to get out of here and try again, this time I won't be interrupted.

"What in the hell is that noise?"  I ask, hearing what sounds like someone arguing with someone walking down the hall.  "I know that voice...it's Joey."

"Move!  I need to see him and now!"  Joey says, pushing past someone outside of the room and walking in to see me.  "Oh my God, Josh!"

"What is it that you want Joe?"  I ask him, turning my head, so as not to see him.

"Josh baby what happened?  Why did you do this?"  He asks me, sitting in the chair next to the bed, reaching for my hand as I snatch it away.  "Baby please, please don't..."

"Just save it Joe, you shouldn't be here right now.  I don't..."  I say as he cuts me off.

"No baby, what did you do?  Why did you do it?"  He asks me, tears streaming down his face.

"Why?  Why?"  I ask him as a song by Brian McKnight came into my mind.

I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now more and more I wonder where you are

"What happened to us Joey?  Where did we go wrong?"  I ask him

"Nothing happened to us baby, things are...," he says, as I interrupt him.

"Where were you Joey?  Where have you been for...for the last few weeks?  Every time I look for you, you were never there."  I tell him as he looks at me, more tears coming to his eyes.

"You know where I was baby, I've been...I've been...," he says, looking down at the floor.

"With her," I say as he continues to look at the floor.

Do I ever cross your mind, any time
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind, any time
I miss you

"Why Joey?  Why am I the one on the outside?  I should've been the one on the inside," I say, looking over to him.

"You're not on the outside, you are on the inside, you've always been on the inside," he says, still not looking at me.

"Why do I feel outside Joe?  Why am I the one always trying to get past the door?"  I ask him, sitting up in bed.  "Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, searching the pillow for me?  Probably not anymore, not like you use to."

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call to say

"I sat in that house, our house the other day Joe and it all seemed like a memory, a nightmarish dream to me.  Pictures of the two of us all around, things that remind me of us being together here and there, me walking through the house, feeling your essence around, but never really seeing or being able to touch you there."  I tell him, tears sliding down my cheeks.

Do I ever cross your mind, any time
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind, any time
I miss you

Do I ever cross your mind, any time
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind, any time
I miss you
I miss you

No more, loneliness and heartache
No more, crying myself to sleep
No more, wondering about tomorrow
Won't you come back to me, come back to me

"Baby there's a lot of things that have been going on lately, a lot of things that have caused a lot of heart ache and pain...I know you have experienced a lot of pain as well, but we shouldn't be here like this," he says, holding my hand now.  "Please baby, don't do this...don't stay like this.  I need you, we all need you."

Do I ever cross your mind, any time
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind, any time
I miss you

Do I ever cross your mind, any time
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind, any time
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

"Yeah so you say Joe, but I can't compete no more.  I'm tired of always having to fight for your love, your affection from other people.  I'm done Joe, I don't need to be in the way anymore.  I give up."

"No Josh, you can't give up, I won't let you give up," he says, squeezing my hand tighter as he stands up.

"You have no choice in the matter Joe.  You've been with her, go back to her.  You'll need her when I'm gone."  I tell him as his tears come faster now.

"No Josh!  No!  I won't let you leave me.  I love you, can't you see that?"  He asks me, shaking a little bit as he held my hand.

"If you loved me like you say Joe, you would have included me in your life, not always pushed me to the side.  I thought I was a part of your life, part of your family, but I guess I was wrong.  I don't know anymore, I really don't.  If you loved me like you say, you would've known something happened to me when your brother brutally forced himself on me.  You would have known that your other brother was doing things to pull you from me.  If you loved me, you would have seen those things damnit."  I tell him as his eyes went wide.

"What did you just say?"  He asks me.

"It doesn't really matter anymore Joe.  None of it matters anymore.  Just leave, leave me alone and go back to your children and the woman you love," I say.

Outside in the Hall -- A Few Minutes Previously

Nikki's POV

Why am I here in the middle of this?  Simple girl, you're in love with a guy that can't let go of the love of his life.  We're both in the same predicament.  I love him and D, and he loves me and Josh.  I can't choose and he can't either.  This whole situation is getting totally out of hand.  I've always loved Joey, even when he was fooling around with men.  I don't know why that love won't die; it's just there, it seems permanently.  I thought it was because of the boys, but that's not the case since before I had the boys, I was still in love with him.  Now I'm married to another man that I truly love and this only complicates things more.

Will my life ever turn out right?  Will I continue to make these same mistakes in life?  All these years and it seems like I'm still doing the same things over and over.  When will I learn to make the right decisions?

"I sat in that house, our house the other day Joe and it all seemed like a memory, a nightmarish dream to me.  Pictures of the two of us all around, things that remind me of us being together here and there, me walking through the house, feeling your essence around, but never really seeing or being able to touch you there."  I hear Josh tell Joey, the image of what he says, flashing in my mind as I see him there with Tony crying, watching the man he loves, sitting there in that hospital bed hurt.

This is just too much for me to bear, knowing that I'm partly responsible for why Josh was alone and why Tony wasn't with him.  Why is this so hard for us?  Why is everything so complicated? 

Josh is hurt; he's hurt because of the madness that is me, Tony and D.  In Tony's mind, he doesn't want to let go of his boys.  He's determined to hold on to them for as long as he can.  As long as he holds on to them, he will be around me.  He thinks that if he signs over his rights to the boys over to D, that he will lose them and me.  I've told him time and time again that he would always be their father.  He just doesn't want to let go and thinking about things, I don't want to let go either.  I know all of this is taking its toll on all of us, but I just can't...I just can't choose between the two men I love so much.

"Baby there's a lot of things that have been going on lately, a lot of things that have caused a lot of heart ache and pain...I know you have experienced a lot of pain as well, but we shouldn't be here like this," Tony tells him, looking down at the bed, holding Josh's hand now.  "Please baby, don't do this...don't stay like this.  I need you, we all need you."

I know I can't give Tony everything he wants, but I did give him two boys.  I can see why he doesn't want to let go, but if he wants to fix this problem between him and Josh, then he's going to have to learn and so do I.

"If you loved me like you say Joe, you would have included me in your life, not always pushed me to the side.  I thought I was a part of your life, part of your family, but I guess I was wrong.  I don't know anymore, I really don't.  If you loved me like you say, you would've known something happened to me when your brother brutally forced himself on me.  You would have known that your other brother was doing things to pull you from me.  If you loved me, you would have seen those things damnit."  I hear Josh tell Tony as his eyes went wide.

Oh my God, did I just hear what I thought?  Did Michael hurt him too or was it Steve?  He didn't say which brother and the way I've seen him and Steve act towards each other, I don't know.  To think about things, I kind of expected that Josh and Steve were fooling around, but I don't really know the answer to that.  Would Steve actually force himself on Josh?  When Michael's concerned, anything's possible, but I don't think Michael's the culprit in this matter.

"Baby is everything okay?" D asks me as he walks up behind me, handing me a bottled water.  "How is JC?"

"I really don't know.  They're in there talking still.  Some of the things I've heard don't sound good D.  This is just some of the bad luck that tends to follow me around.  At the rate I'm going, I'll be in a nut house before the end of the year."  I tell him, shaking my head as he hugs me.

"Shhh, everything's going to be okay.  You can't blame this on bad luck, you have to place blame where blame is due and from what I know, it's not you.  I know you and JC don't see eye-to-eye, but you can't blame yourself for his actions."  D tells me, kissing my cheek.

"If it wasn't for me, Tony would've been with Josh and we wouldn't be here right now," I say, laying my head back on his shoulder as I look up at the ceiling.

"That's not true `Licia.  Looking at things, if it hadn't happened now, it would have happened some time.  It's apparent that something else is going on with Josh.  I don't think Joe being with us and the boys is what really pushed Josh to this.  There has to be something else," D tells me as Josh words ring in my ears again.

"I don't know D, but I know I'm partly responsible and I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself for this happening," I say as D turns me around, not knowing what else to say to me.

Back in Kentucky

JT's POV

Oh yeah, this is really fucking great.  What am I supposed to do or say about this?  I'm really fucking things up with us more, but I'm scared here.  I know this is upsetting him and all, but what am I to really do here?  I know this is something he wants and I really don't know if I really want that or not.  Hell, I'm not a parent or a guardian figure, cop yeah, parent no.  How would I go about raising a child?  I wouldn't know where to fucking start.  Hell I don't like kids that much, well besides CJ, Levi and Junior.  Then again, I don't know what I like anymore.  Maybe he's right; maybe a child is what's missing in our lives.  I think I know that feeling he's been talking about is.  I've felt kind of empty at times when Levi and Junior would give home.  I must admit that our house is more upbeat when those little boys are around. 

"Hi there," I hear behind me as I turn around to see Kevin standing there behind me.

"Hi," I say, patting the swing next to me so he would sit down.

"I'm sorry baby, I shouldn't have..." He starts, but I raise my hand and stop him.

"Don't be sorry baby.  I'm the one that should be sorry," I say, caressing his cheek.  "I shouldn't have walked out like that."

"Yes you should have baby.  From out of nowhere here I am dropping this big bombshell on you.  I know how you feel and I shouldn't have just dropped that on you like that," he says, laying his head on my shoulder.  "I know I should have gone about a different way of saying this."

"Well sometimes the direct and blunt method works," I say, smiling down at him as I wrap my arms around him.  "I think you have a point though.  Something is missing in our lives and maybe it is a child."

"What?  You agree with me?"  He asks me.

"Yeah I do Kev.  So what are we going to do about it?"  I ask him.  "Are we going to adopt a child?"

"We can adopt for now, but somewhere down the line, I think we should have a baby of our own," he says, kissing my neck.

"Maybe so, but I think we should adopt a child first, make sure we can actually do it."  I tell him as he looks up at me.

"Baby we can do it.  We've already started.  Whenever we take care of Levi and Junior, we are parenting."  He tells me.

"I guess you have a point there baby," I say, looking at him.  "But baby, who would give two gay men a baby?  One of those gay men being a celebrity and the other is an ex-cop. You know gay couples can't adopt in Florida, so how are we going to get around that?"

"I've already looked into that baby," he says, smiling at me as he starts rubbing my stomach, tickling me lightly.

"Oh?  What did you find out Mr. Poole?"  I ask him, smirking at him.

"We can adopt in New York.  Since you're a resident of New York, we can make the adoption application in your name.  All we have to do is get Howard to get things started," he says, laying his head in my lap and looking up at me.

"You on top of your game baby," I say as he smiles up at me and positions himself comfortably in the swing.

"Yeah I am baby.  This has really been on my mind for a long time now and I just recently started putting the pieces together.  I love the Internet, it has so many resources out there that helps anyone find the information that they really need to find.  Besides, I think some higher power up there was guiding my hands."  He tells me.

"Maybe so baby, maybe so," I say, teasingly rubbing his legs close to his crotch.  "Why don't we go back inside and head to bed?"

"That sounds like a good idea baby," he says, "but I think I'd rather stay here, just us two for a little while longer.  It's beautiful out here.  You know we don't see the stars like this back home in Orlando or New York."

"True true," I say, leaning down to kiss him as I wrap my arms around him, caressing his cheek.

TO BE CONTINUED...

STORY WARNINGS & DISCLAIMER

I don't know any of the members of N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned.  I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay).  This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that.  This is for entertainment value only folks.