Date: Wed, 06 Oct 1999 04:11:58 -0700 From: zeo@sfsu.edu Subject: N Sync Love pt16 ** Song(s) ain't mine... The drive up the road was a peaceful one. Good thing Kevin took me out the back way. When we passed the front, a pretty good size crowd of reporters and snoops were there trying to figure out what Kevin was up to. We passed by different places as Kevin pointed out stuff of interest. One day, he'll give me a full tour of the place. But that was a ways away and he had to work on the new album and stuff I didn't mind cause I knew he had a busy schedule and I had to go to school soon. We wound up in the familiar neighborhood. The place where I finally found refuge in the storm. Kevin parked the car in the driveway and shut off the engine. I instinctively unlocked the door and tried to open it. It was harder to do than I thought. Then I remembered that I was still recovering from the pneumonia. That didn't matter, I wanted to get out of the car myself without any help. Grabbing the frame of the car, I hauled my weak body out of the seat. After that, I leaned against the car to catch my breath. The whole time Kevin was watching me from the other side to make sure the door didn't slam against me. "You ok?" he asked. "Yeah," I replied, "I just need to catch my breath." He laughed a little, "You sound like an old man." "Heh." "I don't want to pick you up off the driveway." "Yeah yeah...I'm not gonna fall flat on my face," I walked around the car using it for support. "Great...now I have to re-wax the car," Kevin joked. "Har har," I played along. "Where's your sense of humor?" he whined. "Taking a back seat," I replied as I inched my way around the car. Kevin laughed, "At this rate, you'll never make it through the front door." Then he walked towards me, ducked a little and grabbed my waist. He then hoisted me up over his shoulder. "Hey," I started laughed. "You're lighter than I thought," he laughed out loud. "I would gain more weight if I ate more meat. But..." I explained. "Oh yeah...You're a veggie eater." "Yup." Kevin slung me over his shoulder and hauled me through the door. Once inside, he gently kicked the door closed and walked towards the couch. He placed his hand on my back and gently cradled me down on the couch. Kevin slipped off his shoes and laid himself on the couch on top of me. Our noses touched and I giggled. "How're you feeling?" he whispered. "Better now that you're here," I smiled at him. He adjusted himself a little so that his full weight wasn't on me, "I talked to Lance and I got your stuff from his house." "Really? Cool. What are you gonna do for the rest of the day?" "I don't know," Kevin replied then smiled at me, "Probably lounge around with you all day." I smiled back, "You don't have to...I'll be sleeping most of the day anyway." "Want me to sleep with you?" I chuckled, "S'ok...I doubt you'll get any sleep with me snoring." "Oh I can manage," he scratched my nose. We stared into each other's eyes for a moment, then I looked away. "What's wrong?" asking sincerely. "I'm sorry for putting you through so much crap." Kevin didn't say anything. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug. He laid his head on the couch next to mine. All I could do is hug him back and gently stroke his hair. "I'm really sorry," I repeated. "No...it's not your fault," replying into the couch. Then he turned his head towards mine, "It's because..." "Because what?" "Well...after you left..." a small silence, "Dad had...cancer and passed away..." I was in shock, "I...I didn't know..." whispering to him. "And when you were in the hospital...I thought I was going to lose you too," he lifted his head and looked deep into my soul, "I don't know what I would have done if you had gone too." "I...I'm sorry," was the only thing I could think or say. Kevin leaned over and gently placed a kiss on my forehead. I held onto him as if this was going to be our last time seeing each other. "As long as I know that you're safe...nothing matters," whispering in my ear. "I love you Kevin," whispering back. "I love you too." We lay there for a good while just staring into each other's eyes. "Hey Kev we have to..." Brian walked into the living room and saw Kevin lying on top of me on the couch. His face flushed a bright red. "We have to what Bri?" Kevin replied. "Uh.." Brian quickly looked away and elsewhere in the room, "Uh..we have to go..um..back to the studio to finalize the tour dates." "Oh all right," he agreed, "This'll be real quick," he kissed me again on the forehead. "I'll prolly be asleep when you get back," I replied. "Then I should take you to bed." "S'ok...I can make it." Kevin chuckled, "I bet." I wrapped my arms around his neck and he gently pulled me up. Kevin slowly and carefully walked towards the guest room and opened the door with his free hand. Once in, he lovingly set me down on the bed and tucked me in. "So..." Kevin started, "You're gay..." I looked down on the sheets ashamed, "I let you down didn't I?" "How can you?" replying puzzled. "Cause I didn't turn out the way you expected me to..." "And that is?" "I dunno...a normal average guy I guess." "Mano," Kevin put his finger under my chin and looked into my eyes, "I love you no matter who you are..." "But..." "No butts about it. So what if you're gay? Brian's gay and you don't see me making a big deal about it." "I suppose..." I drooped my head down again. "We'll talk later ok?" he sincerely asked. I nodded. "Remember this...I love you...Always have...Always will." I looked up at him and smiled, "I love you too." Kevin leaned down and kissed me one more time on the forehead, "Have a good rest." "I will...You take care." With that, he nodded and quietly left the room. I snuggled into bed and dozed off to a light nap. Kevin went into the living room and started to go through the papers for the meeting. Brian sat on a chair just staring at Kevin. Noting the awkwardness, Kevin looked up at his cousin. "What's up Bri?" he asked. "Well..uh..um.." being caught off guard. "Spit it out...we don't have much time ya know," Kevin resumed reading the papers. "It's..um..about you.." "Oh? How so?" "It's just...I've never seen you so...so happy." Kevin laughed, "You know...You're right. I've never felt this good." "Yeah...and how you're on top of Mano like it was nothing," Brian accidentally blurted out. "Well...I'm not bothered much when you're all over your dates," Kevin turned and smiled at Brian, "Why should you?" Brian's face flushed, "That's different." "How so?" replying seriously. "Cause...Oh nevermind...Let's just go," Brian was a little flustered and stood up. "Sure...I think I have all the papers here that we need." Brian quickly got up and hurried out the door. Kevin stood up and slowly followed. He was curious why Brian would be acting like the way he did. It wasn't like he was ever phased when Brian was making out with another guy in front of him. So why should he be bothered with the sight of Mano? Kevin giggled a little with the thought of Brian turning into a tomato. Eventually, both of them were in the car and Brian drove off towards the studio while Kevin silently looked through the papers. The sounds of birds chirping through the windows caused me to stir in bed. I had been asleep for only a few hours before waking up again. I was refreshed, but tired at the same time. Since there was no possible way of going back to sleep, I might as well get up and do a little exercise. I sat up in bed and slowly swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Holding one of the corners of the bedpost, I slowly stood up. It was shaky at first, but after a few minutes of standing, I was getting the balance back into my legs. I took a small step and my balance was getting a little shaky again. Sheesh...gotta learn how to walk again. After the shaking stop...I took another step. I was now too far away from the post for any support and I was using my arms like a tightrope walker would do. It was getting easier and easier to walk once I got used to it. Though I was breathing quite rapidly as it took a lot of energy to keep myself from falling down. The minute I hit the door, I leaned on it and started to rest. I was puffing and leaning against the door for about 5 minutes or so...prolly longer cause I wasn't sure if I dozed off or not. Shaking off the sleep, I resumed to what I was doing, that was getting out of the room and walk around a little. Opening the door, I can hear the grandfather clock slowly tick away the seconds. Using the wall for support, it was easy to get to the living room. Scanning the area, no one was in sight. I assumed they hadn't returned from the studio or something. Flopping down on the couch, I started to surf through the channels. Nothing was on and I was falling asleep again. Shutting of the TV and looking around the room, the small piano against the wall caught my attention. Immediately I walked towards it and started to tap on the keys. Small melodies were being played, but they were of old songs that I heard from the radio or tape somewhere, nothing of meaning. Then I started thinking of Kevin and a new set of notes sprung up and words formed in my mind. "It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart... Without saying a word you can light up the dark... Try as I may, I can never explain what I feel when you don't say a thing..." I sang out loud and felt happy thinking of Kevin. "The smile on your face lets me know that you need me... There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me... The touch of your hand says you'll catch me where ever I fall... You say it best when you say nothing at all..." "All day long I can hear people talking out lout... But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd... Try as they may they can never define... What's been said between your heart and mine..." I kept playing the piano thinking about Kevin the whole time. `I wish there was something I could do for him,' I thought as I kept playing, `But what?' Memories of the past and the good times flooded my mind. Then it struck me. It was so obvious I should have thought of it sooner. I stopped playing the piano and headed straight to the kitchen.... Disappointed, tired, and depressed, JC slowly made his way back to the jeep. `Why did it have to be this way?' JC kept thinking. He knew that it was his fault and how he has to face the consequences. `I might as well tell everyone what's up,' he pondered, `It can't get any worse.' "Well...what do we do now?" Chris asked Justin as he looked through the fridge. "I dunno," Justin replied plopping on the couch. "I think we should help JC out," Chris replied and pulled out a bottled water. "Bad idea." "Eh? Why not?" "Look I just have this feeling that it's a bad idea to go meddling in his personal affairs." "We're not meddling in his affairs. We're helping him through a rough time," Chris answered. "It was a mistake to ever mention anything." "No it's not. If you didn't tell us about why JC is acting the way he is, then he many never get this behind him." "But I betrayed his trust," Justin explained, "How would you feel is someone spilled your secrets to everyone?" "You never promised to keep any secrets." "That's not fair!" "What's not fair?" Chris calmly asked, "JC never said to keep anything a secret." "He didn't have to say it...I knew." "See, since he didn't say it, you're not obligated." "How can you be so inconsiderate?" Justin stood up, "If he wanted for us to know about his problems he would have said something." "Yeah right," Chris rolled his eyes back, "You know how stubborn he can be. I doubt that he would said anything." "Did you think that he was ready to say anything?" eyeing Chris, "And that we could make things worse forcing him into a corner." "Corner? What corner?" "I don't really understand all of it, but I feel that his is so scared and confused that any more aggravation might push him over." "Yeah right," Chris scoffed, "He's not that stupid. You're just overreacting." "I'm not overreacting. I know him well enough that he could go overboard." JC parked the jeep in the driveway and shut off the engine. The cool night air was still and crisp. Fog formed when he exhaled. Hopping out of the car, JC walked up to the front door. He was about to unlock the door when he heard Justin and Chris arguing. "Well then," Chris continued, "He should have told us what's going on between him and Mano." "Why would he?" Justin defended, "It's none of our business what happens between them." "The hell it ain't. JC's completely depressed about the whole situation and you're just gonna sit around and do nothing?" "I didn't mean that." "What did you mean?" "All I'm saying is that if something happened between JC and Mano, then either JC or Mano should tell us. Not for us to go snooping around their backs." "But we're not snooping around. We're getting the info so that we won't screw things up." "Well I think we already screwed things up by knowing." "Oh? And how'd you figure?" "If Mano or JC wanted us to know, don't ya think that they would tell us?" "Like I said before...they're both probably stubborn to ask or they may even be scared or ashamed to say anything." "What are you talking about? Being ashamed?" Justin was totally confused about what Chris had just said. "Think about it. They are both gay and were probably ashamed to tell us?" "Why? None of us would care." "We know that, but they don't. Probably so scared to lose our friendship or change the way we look at them," Chris replied taking a sip of water. "Which brings me to my point." "What point?" "By rushing things and putting either of them in a spot, we could make the situation worse." "So your plan is just to sit around and do nothing?" "I never said that...I don't really know what to do. But I do know that rushing into things is not the way to go." "Wouldn't you rush to aid your friend?" "He is my friend. There are better ways to handle a situation instead of charging though." "Like..." A sound of a key entering a lock was heard from the front door. Chris and Justin quickly silenced their conversation as they saw the doorknob slowly turn. The door opened and JC stepped through. JC didn't make any eye contact, but instead closed the door behind him. "Hey JC," Chris tried in a cheerful tone, "How's it going?" JC ignored him and walked upstairs to his room. "Oh shit!" Chris whispered, "Do you think he heard?" "See what I mean," Justin said, "I should go check on him." Chris looked at Justin for a minute and slouched on the couch. Justin quietly went up the stairs and peeked into JC's room. He could hear drawers being opened and could see JC putting clothes into his backpack. "Um...JC...can I come in?" Justin said softly through the ajar door. JC kept on pulling clothes from the drawer and into his backpack. Justin, not getting a reply, slowly opened the door and stepped in. "JC...we need to talk..." JC still didn't say anything. "Look we need to talk about this." "Talk about what?" he calmly asked while looking through his dresser. "About you...about Mano...about what's been going on between you." "Seems that everyone knows...why bother talk about it." "You're not making this easy on me." JC stopped and coldly stared at Justin, "You? Ha! What a riot!" Justin froze in place. "The hell I'm not making it easy on you! You're the one who's not making it easy on me!" JC blurted. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to say anything," Justin begged. "You didn't mean?" JC eyed him, "Seems like everyone knows about it. Do you even know the slightest bit how it feels like to fall in love with a guy? A guy of all things!" yelling at Justin. "JC...It was for your own good," Justin tried to rationalize his actions. "MY OWN GOOD?" scoffing back, "I can barely admit that I'm gay and then you blurt out to everyone about it," Justin looked down in shame, "I thought I could trust you...I thought you were my brother. I guess I'm wrong." "I'm sorry..." "Hey...don't blame yourself," JC finished packing and zipped up his backpack, "I lost the love of my life, was betrayed by a friend, and has a fucked up life cause he's gay." "JC...Look, I know I can't undo what I did, but I want you to know that I'm here for you and that I'll help you get through this." "Thanks for the help, but think you've done enough," JC proceeded to exit the room. "Where...where are you doing?" "Out..away from here. Far away from here. Anywhere but here," quickly going down the stairs. "No! Wait! Please don't go," Justin went after him. Chris saw JC go down the stairs and put his hand on one of the shoulders. "Hold on JC," Chris said. JC brushed him off, "I don't need your help Chris." "It seems like you do," he calmly replied. "Oh? I didn't know you wanted to pry into my life as well." "It's not like that." "Yeah right...after Justin here blurted out everything, you're the one who wanted to do something about it." "I only did it cause you were hurting." "Don't you think I still am? You're not making it better. I just want to get out of here." "Where will you go?" Chris asked. "I dunno...I don't care...I need to sort things out..." JC quickly ended the conversation and headed out the door. Chris was about to pull him back, but Justin put his hand on the shoulder and let JC go. "Why'd you let him go?" Chris asked puzzled. "I don't know...I already feel bad that I told everyone about him being gay and he's not ready to accept it yet. But I have this feeling..." "Oh?" "Yeah...I don't know what it is...but I have this feeling that he'll come back...he has to..." "I hope you're right...I'm really scared," Chris hung his head, "I'm really sorry for pushing you to tell." "S'ok...I knew you were trying to help, but it looks like we helped enough." "Yeah...guess the ball's in his court now." "Yeah," Justin slowly walked towards the door. "Where're you going?" Chris asked curiously. "I need to walk around and think..." "Um ok..as long as you're coming back." "Heh...don't worry...I will..." JC drove around the streets not knowing where to go exactly. He needed someone to talk to, someone who has no clue to what's going on. The neighborhood was lively. Lively for a Friday afternoon. Couples walking by, children playing, everyone was happy...all except JC. `What am I supposed to do now?' he thought to himself as he drove down the expressway Frustrated that he couldn't think of anything as well and the monotonous humming of the road, he turned on the radio. Static played through the speakers as he scanned for a station. One station was deep country, another was hip hop, while another was modern rock. Nothing interesting. More than likely, nothing really mattered. For some strange reason, he stopped it on a station during it's commercial break. Guess JC was tired of the scan mode. "You tell me you're in love with me," the first line of the song started, "That you can't take your pretty eyes away from me...It's not that I don't want to stay...But every time you come too close I move away...I wanna believe in everything that you say...Cuz it sounds so good..." "That was so stupid of me," JC said, "Why'd I run?" "Sometimes I run...Sometimes I hide...Sometimes I'm scared of you...But all I really want is to hold you tight...Treat you right, be with you day and night..." "Yeah.." he sighed, "That's all I really wanted..." "Just hang around and you'll see...There's no where I'd rather be...If you love me, trust in me...The way that I trust in you..." JC solemnly turned off the radio. "You trusted me...and I let you down..." He kept on driving till he passed an exit sign which he recognized. An ordinary neighborhood, but it was much quieter and lonelier. Each house was unique and tall lush trees dotted the sidewalk on either side of the street. JC pulled up to a driveway and shut off the engine. Once he walked up the steps he knocked on the door. It took a while, but the shuffling of feet got louder till the locks clicked and the door opened. "JC!" he said, "Long time no see man." "Hey Rich," JC replied quite happily, "It's been way too long." "Hey come on in! Put your feet up relax and we can just chill." "Yup..just like before," JC stepped in and sat on the couch. "What ya been up to? No, wait, lemme guess, a new vid coming out right." JC laughed, "Yeah...that's us all right. I see you've been keeping tabs on us." "Course...I still need to learn the tricks of the trade." "Haha...speaking of which, how's your group doing?" "Pretty well. We're still doing vocal practice and hopefully we can start recording soon." "Sweet. Gotta practice first or else you'll never hit those notes." "Haha...easier said. You've been doing that for a LONG time." "True, true, but it's never too late to start." "Say...I'm going to one of those meetings and I was wondering if you could help me set up my outfit?" "Haha...you...need me? That's a first...you're the Ambercrombe and Fitch model." "True...but they give me the clothes to wear...I can't pick the right combo for some reason." "All right, all right. I'll help ya." "Cool...let's go upstairs." Rich and JC went to the bedroom and chatted the whole way up about the industry and stuff like that. JC sat on the bed and Rich opened the closet door. "Damn!" JC exaggerated, "You've got more clothes than I do." "Hahaha. That's the benefits of being a model. You could be one too." "Na...Too skinny." "Work out?" "Lazy." "Sports?" "No time...wait...I thought you needed my help for your wardrobe?" "Ok ok, I give...so slacks or jeans." "This is a meeting right...go with slacks." "V-neck, shirt or sweater?" "Definitely v-neck." "Cool." Rich took off the shirt he was wearing and exposed his very muscular body as well the defined abs of his. JC looked around the room noticing the stereo and the computer in the corner as well as the large window. He glanced over and saw Rich's body. JC sighed a little and looked down on the carpet. Rich heard something and turned to look at JC. "Hey man...something bothering you?" asking in a concerned tone. "I dunno..." "I think I know you a little better than that," he sat next to him, "What's it about?" JC took a breath in, "Relationships?" "Oh? Did you find `the one'?" "Heh..yeah I found it...but I lost it." "What did ya do?" "It was stupid...I guess I was scared to be in a relationship." "And that's how you lost it?" "Yeah..pretty much. I've been dancing around, but never made a full commitment. In the end, it was my fault." "Hmm...Do you want this to work?" "More than anything?" "I've got a piece of advice to give ya." "Really?" "Yup...If you want it bad enough...you have to go at it with full force. Don't look back, don't look ahead, no hesitations and just go for it." JC looked up at Rich, "You think that'll work?" "It does," he smiled back, "Look where it got me?" JC smiled back, "Yeah...I guess I've been doing that with my career, but never thought it would work in a relationship." "It works with anything," Rich got back up and resumed putting on his clothes. "Thanks." "No prob...what are friends for." "Speaking of which...you still owe me 20 bucks," both of them laughed..... Justin drove his car around the city a few times trying to figure out how to patch things up with JC. JC's been his best friend..no..older brother for so long. Justin couldn't bear the thought of JC hating him. There was nothing to do, no where to go, Justin decided to go to the mall and just mope around. He parked in the garage and put on his hat. Once inside the mall, he wandered around the slightly filled place. Not even bothering to look through the windows and inspecting the latest fads and fashion there. Instead, he just walked around and sat at a table in the food court. This was just too depressing to think about. "Hey there Mr. Grouch," a high-spirited voice said from the behind him. Justin turned around and saw who was beaming a smile at him, "Hi Brit." "Hey there," Britney gave a quick hug and sat across from Justin, "Why so down mi amigo?" "Lot's of things," Justin sighed, "What are you doing here?" "Duh? I'm shopping," giggling back. Justin looked around, "You sure? You don't have any bags with ya?" "You know me too well. Actually, I was about to buy something, but I saw you just wandering around. Thought I might be able to help." "Sorry about that," Justin apologized, "I've been messing people up lately." "Oh?" asking in concern, "What happened? Don't worry about me, I'll try to help the best I can." "I guess..." "Oh come on...you can tell Brit Brit about whatever's bothering you." "Well...JC and I had a fight..." "What? Was it that bad?" asking is disbelief. "Yeah...He left the house." "What do you mean `left the house'," leaning closer. "He packed clothes in his backpack and just left." "I didn't know that it was that serious." Justin hung his head down in shame, "It was my fault too." "Huh? How'd you do that?" "I said something that I wasn't supposed to say." "Oh?" "Yeah...I betrayed his trust...I don't know what to do..." Justin quietly said. Britney thought about it for a little while, "You know that JC won't forget what you've done." Justin hung his head down lower, "I know..." "Chin up," Britney said in her happiest tone. "How am I supposed to?" "The bonds of trust and friendship are broken right?" "Yeah...." "But who says you can't forge it back together and make it stronger?" Justin looked up and saw her beaming down a smile at him, "I dunno." "All you have to do is wait and trust JC. If he is a true friend, all of this will pass and both of you could grow closer." "I guess you're right," Justin smiled a little, "All I can do is to be his friend and show him that I'm willing to start over." "That's the spirit. You'll get everything back to normal in no time." Justin laughed, "Thanks Brit," he gave here a hug. "Anytime...now let's go shopping...I was about to buy that skirt I saw while walking in." "Hahaha...you bet..."