Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 22:48:22 -0800 (PST) From: Wesley Cook Subject: Past Reflections part one Author's note: Hi all, this is Wes , I have come up to a writer's block on To Love NSYNC so I have put that story on hold for a while. Also I have an editor, the author of NSYNC Love, you guys know him as ZEO or Mano. Also he is graciously helping me on the story. I want to let you know too that there are some very good stories out on NIFTY so read them. They are too many for me to name. Also I love to get e-mail. Good or bad I like to get it. I will respond to all as fast as I can. So please let me know what you think of this story. Legal stuff: Okay you know the drill if you aren't old enough to read this then don't. Also this is not to say that any of the BSB are gay or Bi. (But we can wish huh. Hehehe). So now on with the story. Oh by the way you can e-mail me at wesleym2@yahoo.com so now on with the show. Past Reflections "Babe what ya doin'?" Kev asks me. "Oh nothing much, just think about what my life was like before I met you." I say. "Oh..." he says suddenly depressed. "Babe don't worry, every thing has worked out for the better so far." I say as I wipe a tear from his face. "I know but you were in so much pain that... I really don't know how you were strong enough to recover." He says sobbing on my shoulder. Thinking back before we met and how we met. **Flash Back** I'm laying here in the hospital after a major car crash that left my boyfriend dead and nearly killed me. I really don't remember what happened just that I saw this car heading straight for us after running a red light. Apparently the other person was killed as well. The doctors have said I would make a full recovery in time. That's physical injuries not emotional ones. I just lay there cold to the world. The one thing that meant the most to me was taken from me in a matter of minutes. I had no family that cared for me, I was the out cast of the family. The doctors and nurses tried to comfort me but it just wasn't enough. Most of the time I cried, and then I would sleep or listen to music. Music was the closest thing I had to my love that was now gone. The doctors were at a dead end. They couldn't get me motivated so I can leave. Money wasn't the problem. But with all the money I had it wouldn't bring my love back. Nothing would. My story had been broadcast over the U.S. showing people that drunk driving has claimed two people and maybe another. I was told that the man that hit us was drunk and was speeding at a very high speed. The hospital started a campaign against drunk driving or what they did was join one. I didn't care. After several weeks they released me and I went to find an apartment to live in. I would have check ups and all but I was healed enough to leave. There was one person that I could count on and that was my best friend Dennis. He helped me find a place and get me settled in. He was always checking up on me making sure I was okay and all. He was a big help. But one day he ended up for the first time getting me to smile. "Hey Mark, you won't believe what I just received for you!" He said over the phone. "Dennis I'm not in the mood okay" I said a bit upset. "Hey, I'm coming over to show ya. Be sure the house is clean and ready for some possible guests." I sighed knowing now that he had some of his friends coming over to try to cheer me up. "Okay, what ever, no beer you got it." I said "Oh I know your gonna love it." And he hung up. Damn he was hyper. I looked around and saw the house was still clean like always. I'm a very picky person when it comes to a house. And myself. I turned on the tv to the weather channel and watched them till Dennis got here. **An Hour Later** I had dosed off to sleep while watching tv. I never really slept good anymore but that is not important at this moment. I was awakened by a loud knock at the door. So I got up to see who it was. I opened the door and saw five guys there. "Hello can I help you?" "Maybe." The shortest one said. "What he means is Dennis Mitchell sent us here." Oh so I was to be cheered up by a group of guys who by the way are cute. "Oh okay well I'm Mark Cook please come in. But wipe your feet first." They did and came on in. "Can I get you guys anything to drink?" "None for me." The tallest one said. I think he's the cutest. What why am I having these thoughts. The other guys asked and I got what they wanted. I come back and I see Dennis with a big grin on his face. I give the guys their drinks and I sit down. "Mark we would like to introduce our selves to you, I'm Kevin, the blonde over there," He said pointing over by the tv, " is Nick, the one that has the sun shades on is A.J., That's Howie sitting next to Dennis and the one sitting next to me is my cousin Brian." "Nice to meet you," was all I said. I looked over at Dennis and his mouth was on the floor. "Dennis what's wrong, you act like there are celebrities here or something and I don't it is nice for you to have your mouth open like that." He shut it quick while everyone else laughed. But for some reason I laughed to. And that's what got Dennis. "He did it, he did it, he finally laughed." Dennis shouted getting up and coming over to me to hug me. I was surprised but it felt good to laugh again. Then it hit me these guys were celebrities but who are they. "Mark, we are known as the Backstreet Boys." Nick said. When I heard those words I froze. They were my boyfriend's favorite band. I began to tear up. "What did I say?" "Nothing it's just you were my lovers favorite band." They all bowed their heads in respect. Kevin got up and walked over to me and gave me a hug. When he touched me I felt something in his touch. I remember it from the touch of my lover. I slowly looked up into Kevin's eyes and saw the same look I saw in Jason's eyes. "Mark..." I heard a ghostly voice but it was the voice of Jason. "Mark... it's time you let go of me. I wasn't the one who is to be your true love. I was to prepare you for the one. I have done just that, but now you must open your heart so that love can begin." I felt like a great weight lifted from my heart. "Thank you Jason." I said. Everyone looked at me with wide eyes. They had heard the voice as well. But what they were staring at was that me and Kevin were kissing. "What the Fuck." It was Brian. "Kevin what are you doing?" We broke and just looked at Brian. Who was now standing seething with anger. Kevin turned and shot him a look that would kill if looks could kill. But that didn't stop Brian. He stood and walked over to Brian and just stared at him. "Everyone out..." I said, I couldn't take this now. Everyone just looked at me. "I said everyone out but Kevin." I said with tears running down my face. I could go through what I went through with losing my family again. Everyone left except Kevin who by now had tears running down his face. "I... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Mark." He cried. I took him in my arms and held for a few moments. What I had to say would hurt so bad but I couldn't deal with people hating me just because I'm gay. "Kevin... I... shit, Kevin there can't be an us. I can't not this soon, maybe not ever but please know I do care about you but..." He stopped me with a finger over my mouth. "Mark I know, I care about you to. Please Brian was just surprised he didn't mean anything by it. Don't turn your back on something that could be." "Kevin... the lose of my family started just like what Brian did, the yelling and cussing. I can't go through it again. Any way you guys have to deal with the media and I would just cause problems. There is something between us I know it because I can feel it but it won't last right now, please..." I broke down crying. Kevin held as he cried too. I knew I loved him even be fore I met him. Jason was right that he was the person to start it. It hurt so much to have to say the things I was saying. Normally I'm not one to fall in love so quickly, but I did, some how everything lined up. Kevin began to sing as he rocked me still crying. It was I Need You Tonight that Nick sang. Open up your heart to me And say what's on your mind, oh yes I know that we have been through so much pain But I still need you in my life this time, and... I need you tonight I need you right now I know deep within my heart It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right I really need you tonight I figured out what to say to you But sometimes the words they, they come out so wrong, oh yes they do And I know in time that you will understand That what we have is so right this time, and... I need you tonight I need you right now I know deep within my heart It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right All those endless times we tried to make it last forever more And baby I know I need you I know deep within my heart It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right I really need you, oh I need you tonight - I need you, oh I need you baby I need you right now - It's gotta be this, it's gotta be this I know deep within my heart No, it doesn't matter if it's wrong or it's right All I know is baby I really need you tonight Finally I fell asleep to the sound of Kevin's voice. Kevin picked me up and carried me to bed and let me sleep. He had a few things to take care of. So he went out side to call the guys back in. "Okay guys come back in. But no yelling!! Got it." He said emphasizing the no yelling part. Everyone re-entered the house and sat down. Brian, and Howie were both quite upset at Kevin and me. But they stayed quite for now. "Now what the fuck do you think you are doing Brian, trying to kill him or something." "No, Kevin... I just don't think that you need a gay life style right now. And two I think he will just end up hurting you." Before Kevin can respond Dennis speaks up. "Brian, when I wrote you guys I told you that Mark is having some trouble right now. So when you get here his life starts to look up because his dead lover's favorite band is here showing they care you go and destroy any respect he had for you guys except for Kevin. Also Mark isn't going to hurt anyone of you with the media or mooch off of you in the money since. Mark is a freakin' millionaire he was the soul beneficiary to Jason's life insurance and all. Hell even Mark doesn't even know because he would rather use the money for charities than to help himself. Before Jason was killed he told me that and to make sure Mark uses the money for himself and the one who he would fall in love with. Jason knew he was gonna die sooner or later because he had cancer. He refused to let Mark know because he didn't want him to know about it. So give any of that bull shit about Mark hurting your image." When Dennis was through everyone in the room was in awe they didn't realize any of the possibilities. Of course Dennis woke me up and I heard just about everything he said. "Dennis is right guys we need to give Mark a chance, even Kevin a chance to see if there is something there." Nick replied. I had tears in my eyes, but I stayed quiet. I saw a light coming from the corner of the room. I watched it as it formed into a figure. It was Jason. "Thank you Dennis," He nodded to Dennis and then turned to the guys. "Hello, I'm Jason or what used to be Jason I am his spirit. I loved Mark dearly but I knew that I wasn't the one for him. It was my job to prepare him for that one true love. Kevin that one true love is you, but it has to grow. Mark senses it but is afraid to grasp it because he is scared he is gonna lose you and the guys. During my time here on earth I tried to get him to know you guys and especially you Kevin. I made sure that when I died Mark would be taken care of money wise, but love wise I never got to get that done. So now I am here to let you know that you and Mark need each other. It will be a while before Mark is ready to love but he is on the right track. Please take care of him and protect him. My time is up for now I must go till we meet again farewell." And then Jason was gone. "I still think Mark would be bad for the group." Howie said. "I do to, You need to forget about him and lets go we have to be in New York in two days, and we have rehearsals tomorrow." Brian said. Kevin stood up and walked away from the guys. "Why won't you let me be happy?" Kevin asked in a pained voice. "Mark is not what..." Kevin stopped Brian before he finished that sentence. "Don't you go there Brian, you're my fucking cousin not my mother or father. Plus you aren't me and you don't know what I need to be happy. We have been together for almost seven years now and I put my feelings on the back burner so that we can succeed but now it is time for me to be truly happy and Mark is what I need to be that way. So if you can't accept Mark then you don't accept me. I will not stay with people who will not accept me." I heard several gasps from the guys. "You can't do this Kevin, your under contract." Howie said. "Fuck the contract, my feelings are going to be the first thing in my life from now on. So unless I can be with Mark and the BSB I will not be in the BSB." I was surprised. I sniffled and Nick heard me. He turned and saw me. "Mark..." When he said that Kevin turned and saw me standing in the hall way crying. He rushed over to me and caught me before I fell. "Shhh... babe it's okay I'm here for you, no one is gonna hurt you." He said as he held me. I felt safe and warm in his arms. He picked me up and once again carried me to my room and laid me down on the bed. But this time he stayed with me. Holding me tightly as to protect me from harm. Again I heard him singing. I would give up everything Before I separate myself from you After so much suffering I've finally found the honest truth I was all by myself for the longest time So cold inside And the hurt from my heart It would not subside I felt like dying Until you saved my life Chorus: Thank god I found you I was lost without you My every wish And every dream Somehow became reality With you But the sunlight completed my whole life I'm overwhelmed with gratitude Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you I will give you everything There's nothing in this world I want but you To insure your happiness I'll cherish every part of you Cause without you beside me I can't survive If you're keeping me warm each and every night I'll be alright Cause I need you in my life Thank god I found you I was lost without you My every wish And every dream Somehow became reality With you But the sunlight completed my whole life I'm overwhelmed with gratitude Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you See I was So desolate before you came to me Looking back I guess it insures that we were destined to shine Over the rain To appreciate The gift of what we have And I'd go through it all over again To be able to feel this way Thank god I found you I was lost without you My every wish And every dream Somehow became reality With you But the sunlight completed my whole life I'm overwhelmed with gratitude Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you I surprised that he could sing that song but then I wasn't. I didn't care. I fell asleep shortly after he finished. I remember him kissing me on my forehead saying I love you. This time Kevin stayed in the bed with me. Soon he was asleep too. **Back in the living room** "Guys I think they have gone to sleep so I guess you can go back to the hotel. They need time alone. And no they won't do anything because they aren't ready." Brian was crying because he was losing his best friend and family member. "I think also that Kevin will be at rehearsals as well. Mark won't let him leave the group and right now Mark maybe the only person who can convince Kevin to stay with the group." With that Dennis ushered the guys out of the house and locked the door. Leaving me and Kevin lying asleep in my room. Off in the distance I heard the song This I Promise You. The visions around you brings tears to your eyes and all that surrounds you are secrets and lies. I'll be your strength. I'll be your hope, keeping your faith when its gone. The one you should call I'm standing here all alone. I will take you in my arms, and hold you right where you belong, till the day my life is through this I promise you, this I promise you I've loved you forever in lifetimes before. and I promise you never will you hurt anymore. I give you my word. I give you my heart. This is a battle we've won. and by this vow forever has now begun Just to look into your eyes and see you right here with me. I know that this feeling wont go away Till the day my life is through this I promise you. Every word I say is true this I promise you ooh I promise you I smile in my sleep knowing that maybe my life is on the up track once again. This was the first night since the accident that I didn't have a nightmare. I think it was due to the fact that Kevin was there with me. Protecting me from all harm, just to love me for me. He was willing to give up everything he had to be with me, so instead of him doing that I was gonna find away to keep him in the group. Hopefully I could become friends with all the guys. But only time will tell. TBC.