Date: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 00:04:46 -0600
From: Charlie Lambert <grandbaykracker@hotmail.com>
Subject: Problems Within

Howdy people! This is an idea that has been bouncing around in my head for a
while now. It was starting to get in the way of "Nsync Complications" so I
decided to write it down and send it in. I'm not sure as to whether or not I
will continue this story. I would love to continue it, but if ya'll don't
think its worth it...let me know =0) grandbaykracker@hotmail.com also, you
can chat with me online on AIM, my screen-name is: collegebites2002.
Hopefully I'll hear from you soon!

DISCLAIMER: All this wonderful stuff. This is fiction okay? F-I-C-T-I-O-N.
That means that I made it all up! It came from within my deep subconscious.
Understand? Good. I do not know the sexuality of any BSB or Nsync members; I
do not know them personally. (If I did, would you believe me? LOL!)  If you
are offended by homosexual material, why are you here? If you aren't old
enough to view this material, wherever you are, then go away. Feel free to
come back when you are old enough, k? Now, on with the show!

Note: If you've read 'Nsync Complications' then you know that I like to put
people's thoughts into brackets or something like that. Well, for this
story, Howie's thoughts are going to be in brackets.

Chapter One

[It was dark. That much I knew, but where was I? The constant beeping noise
was pulling me out of the darkness and soon I opened my eyes. The room was
blinding. The fluorescent lights above my head were hurting my eyes. I
suddenly realized where I was. I was in a hospital. I looked down at my arm.
Yep, IV needle jammed in. Dorky little plastic bracelet on my wrist. How did
I get here?]

As if on cue, in walked AJ sipping a cup of coffee. He stopped when he
notice Howie was awake. AJ smiled weakly.

"How ya feeling?"

[Since when did you care? All of a sudden you can talk to me?]

"Fine, I guess."

AJ nodded and pulled up a chair next to the bed. There was a long silent
pause as Howie stared at the ceiling.

"So..." AJ started out.

"How did I end up here?"

"Well, yesterday you called me, so I came by to apologize and to check on
you."

"Apologize? Gee, I wonder what for."

AJ just looked at Howie, took a deep breath, "For not being the friend I
should've been. I should've been there for you. I'm sorry I reacted the way
that I did...and I hope you can forgive me."

Howie's eyes began to water, "You hurt me Alex, you of all people! I thought
you would be okay with me. I knew Brian and Kev were going to freak out.
Nicky...I didn't know, but you...you were my best friend."

"I am your best friend, Howie. That will never change. So what? You like
guys, not girls, big fuckin' whoop. You're still the same guy I've known
forever." AJ got up and wrapped Howie in his arms. Howie just broke down in
tears as he remembered what had happened since that dreadful day.

**One Week Earlier**

The guys had just finished recording their latest album. Normally the guys
would all have a big party at Kevin's house, but Howie took the initiative
this time. He invited them all over for a barbeque and some swimming if the
weather was good.

It was around noon on Saturday and Howie was out back by the pool grilling
some steaks. The weather was perfect. The sun was out in full force and
there were only a few assorted white clouds in the sky. Nick and Brian were
the first to arrive. They were always attached at the hip. Not much later,
Kevin and AJ showed up. Almost as soon as they got there, they were all in
the pool. Howie remained standing at the grill dutifully as he watched his
friends goofing off. Even Kevin was getting in on it. He started showing
off, performing these weird dives as the others continued doing cannonballs.
Pretty soon, there was a chicken match going on. AJ was up on Kevin's
shoulders while Brian was on Nick's. Howie knew that there wasn't much
competition between the two pairs. Kev and AJ hadn't lost a match in almost
two years. They worked really well as a team. Howie turned away as he saw
Brian and Nick falling backwards into the deep end of the pool. AJ and Kevin
were yelling and hollering, reveling in their victory.

Howie turned all the steaks over and went off in his own little dream world.
He didn't' even hear AJ and Brian walk up behind him. They both grabbed and
pulled the struggling Howie toward the edge of the pool. Determined not to
be thrown in, Howie managed to push Brian in, but he couldn't get a hold of
AJ. He was soon enveloped in a bear hug and knew that it was pretty much
pointless as he felt himself falling alongside AJ. The water was still cold,
despite the sun beating down on it. Howie rose to the surface shouting
obscenities.

Once he had calmed down a few notches, "You guys are so freakin' dead!"

Kevin and Nick were laughing hysterically while Brian just looked on in
shock.

"And what are you staring at?"

Brian replied, "I've never heard you use that many curse words. I think you
even made up a few of your own."

Howie suddenly felt embarrassed that he let his anger get the better of him,
"Sorry guys."

Brian just started laughing, "Its alright D, I was just messin' with ya."

Everybody climbed out of the pool and started drying off. Howie, finding it
was going to be close to impossible to dry off completely, just shedded his
shirt. He was a bit of an exhibitionist anyways. He just enjoyed showing off
his well-built chest and abs. He walked over to pull the steaks off the
grill as the others pulled up chairs nearby. He started passing out steaks
and knew what was coming as he place one in front of Nick.

"Hey! No fair! Kev's is bigger than mine!"

AJ decided to slide in a comment, "You been sneakin' peeks Nicky?"

"NO!" Nick shot back, knowing exactly what AJ meant by the comment. "I ain't
no fag."

Howie tenses up the moment Nick mentioned the word 'fag'. Nobody seemed to
notice it, but what happened next sort of surprised Howie.

"Watch your mouth Nicky," AJ replied in a stern voice. It was obvious he
wasn't joking.

"What?" Nicky asked innocently, "All I said was the word 'fag'."

Howie tensed again. [Why the hell does he have to use that damn word?]

"Precisely," AJ continued, "I don't like that word." AJ signed knowing what
was coming next.

"Why?" Nick asked. "You aren't..." he left the statement open.

"Hell no," AJ replied, "but I do have a friend who is GAY." He placed
emphasis on the word 'gay', stressing the point.

[What?! Does he know about me already? How can he?!]

"Who?" Nick asked, genuinely curious. He seemed to have lost all anger in
his voice.

"Yeah right, like I'm gonna tell you. You already hate his guts anyway." AJ
stopped dead in his tracks, smacking him self on his forehead and mentally
telling himself 'open mouth...insert foot.'

Nick thought about it for a second and then it dawned upon him. "Wait a
minute, is he one of the Nsyncers?"

AJ sighed defeatedly, "Yeah."

Kevin finally spoke up, "Justin?"

"Hell no, him and Brit are getting freaky on a regular basis."

Brian spoke up next, "JC?"

"Nope, gosh you guys are dense."

Howie felt he had to say something, if for no other reason than to see if
his gaydar was working properly. "Chris?"

AJ's mouth fell open, "Damn, good guess D."

[If only you knew.]

"Chris is gay?" Nick asked, suddenly managing to let the word 'fag' drop
from his vocabulary.

"Yeah, he is."

"How long have you known?"

"Uhh...I think about 6 or 7 months now. We were buddy-buddy beforehand and
one day he came for advice. He didn't come right out and say it, but I
already had my suspicions so it wasn't that big of a shock. He came out to
his guys the next day after I convinced him he couldn't keep a secret like
that from 'em. Most of them took it well from what he told me. It ended up
being a two vs. two thing with him caught in the middle. He had to stop 'em
from killing one another." AJ paused.

"How did he manage that?" Howie asked.

"Well, Joey and JC were okay with him already. Justin was being superficial
about it; claiming that it was 'selfish' for him to be gay, that it would
ruin their careers. Lance just got up and left as soon as Chris told 'em.
Chris broke down, got really angry and told 'em all to shut up. Him being
gay didn't change who he was beforehand. He was the same person they had all
come to call their 'big brother.' If they were going to act like that, they
weren't his friends to begin with..."

Everybody was quiet for a while. They really didn't know what to say. Howie
was scared...mainly at what he knew he had to do. It was as good a chance as
any to say it, so Howie took a deep breath.

"Guys...I'm gay."

Was it possible for it to get any more silent? The silence and tension
around the pool was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

Howie was looking down at the plate sitting in front of him. He couldn't
stand the silence anymore, so he looked up.

AJ was staring down at his plate. He wasn't saying anything, this was going
to be the first major disappointment for Howie today. Kevin and Brian were
obviously shocked. Their eyes were open wide, almost like a
deer-caught-in-headlights look. Nick's mouth was open wide, it seemed that
he had lost all muscular control of his jaws.

"You might want to close your mouth before a bird builds a nest in there."
Howie tried to lighten the mood. Nick promptly closed his mouth, which
caused him to regain his vocabulary and  speaking ability.

"What?"

"I'm gay, Nicky."

"You're a fag?" Seems the word was only lost temporarily.

Howie tense up, "I'm gay, yes." Howie looked over to AJ For some support,
but found none. He was still staring blankly at the steak.

Brian spoke up, "You can't be."

"I am B-rok, there isn't anything you can do about it."

Kevin spoke up, "No, you can't. It's a sin, Howie."

"Please don't play the Bible card on me. I can't help the way I am."

"Have you tried?" Brian asked.

"What are you talking about?"

"Have you tried to change, you know I heard about this psychiatric therapy
that can treat..."

Brian was interrupted by Howie, "Its not a damn disease! You can't catch it,
either you are or you aren't." Howie was trying to think of a way to make
them understand. "Did you choose to be straight?"

"That's different Howie! Homosexuality is a sin!" Kevin was getting angry.
He was using his fatherly 'listen to me now' voice.

Howie had had enough. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Kev."

"When did you become a homo?" Nick asked, obviously forgetting that he
sounded harsh.

"I've always been gay, Nicky. I just wouldn't allow myself to be for a
while...I knew what would probably happen...but I finally came to terms a
couple of months ago. We were all sitting around talking about girls, about
how great Kev's and B-rok's marriages were going...and I realized that I
wasn't at all attracted to girls. I could point out a nice looking one, but
they didn't do anything for me."

"I can't believe this," Nick said rising from his lounge chair. "I've been
in a band with a friggin' homo."

Howie looked toward AJ again. Looking for some support, but finding none.
His 'best friend' acted like he didn't even exist. So, getting tired of
trying to be the rational one he stood up. "I guess I was wrong. I figured
that you guys would get over it and realize that I'm the same guy you guys
have known since the beginning. I'm the same Howie Dorough you have known
all these years. I've come to know all of you really well and I even
consider you guys as brothers."

"Its probably been an act, you've probably been acting like that so you
could get in my pants," the blonde Nick commented.

That was the last straw. Howie started yelling, "How dare you accuse me of
trying to get in your pants?! That's it. I want all of you to leave now!"

Kevin and Brian started to speak up, but they were cut off by Howie. "Leave!
Maybe if you pull your heads out off your asses you could see the truth. I
guess you guys were never really my friends."

With that being said, Howie stormed off inside. He could hear them getting
in their respective vehicles and leaving. Howie was still angry at them, but
the moment he saw AJ leave the driveway, his anger turned to sadness as his
'best friend' left...without saying a word.

How long had it been since his fellow band-mates had left? Two
hours...three...time didn't seem to be separated anymore. Instead, it all
seemed to be one big continuous stream of blackness and sorrow. Howie had
collapsed almost immediately into a pile of tears when he realized what he
had just lost. Four friends...his best friends...no, not that. He just lost
four brothers. Maybe they weren't really his brothers since they didn't
accept him for who he was...but they were all that he had. They had become
so close over the years. They had been there for one another during the
tours when they felt homesick. They had been there when each of them had
been in trouble. When Brian had his heart surgery, they were there waiting
patiently for him to recover fully. When Nick was going through some nasty
break up stuff with 'Willa,' they had all been there. AJ finally admitted to
himself that he had a problem with alcohol and drugs. They helped him
through rehab and the aftermath. Unbeknown to the world, Kevin had a minor
nervous breakdown and all the guys helped him out. But now...when Howie
finally needed them to be there...for their support, they were no where to
be found. For once in their entire career, Howie was needed that love, in
fact, he was counting on it... It seems that the four guys were unwilling to
love him for who he was.

Howie sat by the door for a few hours before he realized the sun was
setting. Looking outside, he saw that there were dark storm clouds moving
in.

He wiped the tears from his eyes and made his way over to the kitchen. There
was no way he was going to be able to forget about any of this that easily.
Finding a bottle of Jack Daniels, he returned to the living room where he
plopped down on the sofa and began to take swigs from the bottle.

[Funny how alcohol is actually a depressant. Looks like its going to take a
lot of this to make me relax.]

Somewhere between border-line 'drunk off ass' and comatose, Howie seemed to
remember hearing thunder and the phone ring. But he was too wasted to answer
the phone...he heard the rolling thunder and began to fall asleep to his
nursery rhyme.

It was several years later when Howie woke up. His head pounding like a
jack-hammer and himself a wreaking of chlorine.

Howie looked up at the clock and saw that it was shortly before one in the
morning. He really didn't remember what time he had passed out, but it had
not been that long ago. Something must've woken him up. Looking around the
room, searching for the thing that woke him up. His eyes settling on the
blinking red light next to the couch. Somebody had called him and left a
message. Howie stood up, despite his pounding head, and swaggered over to
the end-table.

Getting over his fears quickly, he pressed the play button.

The electronic voice stated, "You have seven new messages."

[Seven? Wow...aren't I the popular gay man.]  Howie attempted to laugh at
his own sarcasm, but was quickly silenced by the pounding headache.

**Beep**

"Ummm...Howie...this is AJ...can you...can you give me a call whenever you
get this message? Its 10:30 and I know that you are home...call me, okay?"

**Beep**

"Hey Howie, this is Chris Kirkpatrick...AJ just called me and told me about
ya'lls current groups deal. Well, actually he told me about you coming out
to them, I want you to know that AJ feels really bad about the way he
handled it. So call him, okay? Later."

**Beep**

"Ooops, me again. Forgot to tell ya, if you need to talk with anyone that's
been in a similar situation. You can give me a call, my number is 555-4792.
I'm open ears...later."

**Beep**

"Howie, this is Brian. Listen buddy, we need to get you some help. We can
get you some help, okay? Just give me a call."

**Beep**

"Howie, sweetheart, this is Leigh...Brian came home and told me about you
being gay. I just want you to know that I support you 110%, okay? Me and Bri
got into a humongous argument and now...he's sleeping on the couch...haha,
don't worry about us sweetie. I know that's the thought that came across
your head. We'll work through it. I'm worried about you sweetie. If you need
to chat, call me on MY cell, k? Love ya sweetie."

**Beep**

"Hey cutie, this is Kristin. Just wanted to let you know that I'm with Leigh
on this one, k? Behind you 110%. Kev came home on a rant and rave, but I
think I set him straight. Ooops, no pun intended sweetie. Call me on MY cell
if ya need to chat, love ya."

**Beep**

"Howie, dude, its AJ again, pick up the phone!...Its almost one dude. I'm
goin to bed, but call me when you get this message. G'nite D."

**End of final message**

Howie just grinned.

[Leigh and Kristin are angels. They know just what I'm thinking. I'm glad
that they are on my side but I really can't talk to them now. AJ...I don't
thinki can talk to him either. All of a sudden he regains his ability to
talk. Brian...that asshole...]

Howie picked up his phone and decided to dial. He was about to hang up when
somebody answered.

"This is Chris' phone, it had better be important..."

The man that had answered the phone was obviously out of breath.

Howie answered tentatively, "This is...Howie Dorough."

"Howie? Oh gosh, this is Lance, hold on just a second."

There were sounds of the phone changing hands and then, "Howie?"

"Hey Chris, I'm not interrupting anything...am I?"

"I'm not going to lie to you, but yeah, you did. Don't worry about it
though. Whats up?"

Howie, despite not having a close friendship with Chris. "I don't know
anymore." He broke down in tears and retold the previous days events from
his perspective.

"Howie, listen to me. It'll be okay.  Just give it time, okay? Everything
will work out for the better. AJ is worried about you. You need to call
him."

"I can't, not this soon. It still hurts. It hurt so much when he wouldn't
defend me...or hell, even say anything."

"I know it hurts. I've been in a similar situation."

Howie just sniffled, trying to hold back the tears.

"Listen to me, okay? You don't need to let this get to you...just brush it
off and move on. Either they will too or they won't."

"That's what I'm afraid of. What if they won't get over it? How am I
supposed to deal with that? Brian and Kevin are happy, how am I going to
find that happiness? Will I ever find it?"

"Howie..."Chris was at a loss for words.

"Listen, next time you talk to AJ, tell him that I'm okay and to stop
calling here. I just need some time."

"Howie, AJ is really upset now, he wants to talk to you and patch things
up."

"I can't, I gotta gg...thanks Chris...goodbye."

Howie didn't even give Chris a chance to reply, he just placed the phone
back on the receiver. AJ wanted to talk...what was he going to say?

It had taken the group many years to get so close, but all that was
instantly destroyed when the words "I'm gay" left Howie's lips. As much as
he didn't want to, Howie blamed himself for everything. He began to think of
himself as abnormal. If he wasn't gay, everything would've remained perfect.

The next few days were a blur. Howie lost his appetite...food just didn't
taste good anymore. Jack Daniels had become his best friend...that and
Tylenol. His house was constantly being hailed by phone calls. AJ called a
few times but he eventually stopped calling. Chris called as well, but even
his phone calls stopped coming. Leigh and Kristin called...they were worried
about him.

It was almost five days after initially coming out to the group that Howie
noticed he was growing weak. He could barely gather enough strength to pull
himself from the chair where he had collapsed the night before. Walking past
the mirror on the way to the kitchen, he stopped and looked at himself.

What he saw scared him. His face was scratchy with the beginning of a beard,
there were deep black bags underneath his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot from
lack of rest. His skin, which was normally a healthy looking tan, was
beginning to pale. It frightened him to see himself in such a condition. He
broke down and collapsed right there. He cried until he fell asleep from
exhaustion. When he came to, he pulled himself over to the phone. He picked
it up and dialed a number from memory.

Four rings later, the machine's recorded message began: "Allo Allo, this is
AJ, you've probably just missed me, so...leave me a message and I'll be sure
to get back to you."

"Alex..."

Howie paused, even his own voice sounded weak.

"...hey...please...can you come by?"

Howie wasn't even sure what he had wanted to say to AJ. Maybe deep down
inside he had already forgiven him for the way he reacted, but Howie wasn't
willing to fully give in yet.  He managed to pull himself up on the couch
where he started falling asleep...he was just so weak...the last thing Howie
remembered before the sleep was the time on the clock. 1:17 pm. Howie lapsed
into his dream world...his escape.

Howie awoke to the sound of knocking at his front door and some frantic
yelling.

"Howie! Come on man, open the door!"

It was AJ. Howie willed himself to get off the couch and stumbled over to
the door. He unlocked the multiple locks on the door and opened the door.
There stood AJ with a smile upon his face...but when he saw Howie, his smile
was quickly replaced by a look of shock and worry.

"Howie?"

At that questioning statement, Howie could feel everything going black. His
legs gave out and his eyes started rolling into the back of his head. The
last thing he heard was AJ screaming wildly as he fell into his arms.

Everything went black.


*****
Soooooo....? What do you think? I'm hoping that ya'll liked it. I'm really
thinking about continuing this story, but first I have to work on Nsync
complications again =0) I know some antsy people out there awaiting the
newest Chapter. Please give me email! Me=needy person =0)
grandbaykracker@hotmail.com Email is very good! Luv ya, Charlie