Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999 08:30:01 GMT From: Nathaniel O'Leary Subject: Question of faith part 11 A big thanks to Toby for all the support and slight death threats... Trace, thank you so much. To all the people that gave me feedback thank you. David at nifty. You are doing a fantastic job, thank you. Disclaimer: As far as I know no one protraited as gay in this fictional story is gay. It is all in my mind. ++++++++++++++++++++++ Nick stepped of the small private plane into the blazing heat. He looked around the small airport in the middle of Texas. He was sure a herd of cows would cross the runway any second. 'Well well Nick, this has to be important.' Nick looked at the man walking towards him. 'If you fly and I know you hate it. Anyway if you fly from Europe to the middle of nowhere in Texas to talk to me while I'm on a holiday, it has to be something big.' Nick smiled. 'I seriously fucked up my life, Glenn and I don't know who else to turn to.' Glenn hugged Nick. 'Come on. We can talk in the office.' Glenn led Nick to the small offices at the start of the runway. He closed the door behind him and turned to Nick. 'So tell me. How did you fuck up?' Nick looked at the carpet. 'I kissed him.' Glenn whistled through his teeth. 'He was pushing me. I wanted him so much.' Glenn sat down on the edge of a desk. 'I thought you broke up with him?' Nick nodded. 'It wasn't really a choice made by me.' Glenn looked at the young man. 'Help me here Nick. You called me several weeks ago telling me that you and Kevin were no longer together. You said the choice you made was made out of love. Why?' Nick ran a hand through his hair. 'When my mother told me to choose one thought was going through my mind. If Kevin were my choice I would hurt him deeply.' 'How Nick? As far as I know he is hurting pretty bad now.' Nick looked at Glenn. 'He has a chance to find someone new now. I didn't want him to think he was obliged to stay with me for the rest of our lives because I choose him over my family.' Glenn saw the pain in Nick's eyes. 'When I met Kevin he was also hurting. He was afraid to loose you. In the end he did.' 'He never lost me.' Whispered Nick. Nick turned to the windows. 'I only did it for him. And he...' Nick swallowed hard. 'He managed to break my heart.' Glenn walked up behind him. He wrapped his arms around the trembling blond. 'He changed so much.' 'How?' 'He started smoking. He knows I hate smoking. He started drinking. He knows I hate alcohol.' Nick leaned back in Glenn's embrace. 'And suddenly his wardrobe consists of leather pants and silk shirts.' Glenn had trouble suppressing a moan after picturing Kevin in those clothes. 'You know what the worst part is?' Glenn turned Nick around in his arms. Nick lowered his gaze. 'It turns me on so bad. Seeing him hurts so deep inside. I would give up everything in my life just to have him back.' Glenn wiped away a tear. 'But?' He gently asked. 'He moved on. Kevin prefers prostitutes to me.' Nick slammed his fist in the wall. 'It fucking hurts.' He yelled and buried his head in Glenn's shoulder. Glenn did his best to comfort him. He felt a bit guilty. Kevin called him almost every night. Most of the time he would just cry and hang up after a few minutes. And now Nick was here telling his story. It was about time that someone was taking action and stop those two from hurting each other even more. ++++++++++++++++++ Kevin stood on the balcony watching the Italian sun set. It occurred to him it had only been several months pervious that he had watched a sunrise and that he thought about the relationship between him and Nick. He raised the glass; he had in his hand, to his lips and swallowed the bitter contents. 'Kevin?' Kevin ignored the voice coming from his room. He didn't want to be disturbed. All he wanted was stand here and drown in self-pity. 'Kevin?' This time the voice came closer. Kevin turned around. Justin stood in the doorway. 'What do you want?' Justin avoided Kevin's eyes and fumbled with his shirt. 'I wanted to ask you something.' Whispered Justin. Kevin sighed. 'Oh for heaven's sake, Justin, I don't bite.' Justin slowly looked at him. 'I know but I thought with Nick seeing Julia and them being friends with me...' Kevin closed his eyes for a second. 'What Nick does in his free time in no longer my business.' Justin shuffled to a chair. 'I need to ask you a favour.' Kevin looked at the young man. Justin explained to Kevin what he had planned and why and how he needed Kevin. Kevin interrupted him a few times to ask for some details. 'So you're in?' 'If that's what you want Justin, I'm in.' Justin rose to his feet. 'It's what I want.' Justin walked to the door. 'You know Kevin, you're not that bad.' Kevin sniggered. He poured himself another drink. Again the mini-bar was almost empty. Kevin threw the small bottle in the waste bin. He picked up the glass and sat down on his bed. He could feel a headache coming on. Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose. Justin had confirmed the speculations he had. Nick was seeing Julia. Maybe Jane was right. Maybe he forced Nick in being gay. Maybe he had misread the signal Nick had given him years ago. Kevin grabbed his tour journal and looked at a picture of Nick. It was taken weeks before they had split up. They were playing paintball with all three bands. Nick was covered in paint and he looked at the camera with a big smile. Kevin followed the outline of his jaw with his finger. 'I can replace you with any blond blue eyed man.' Kevin swallowed his vodka in one gulp. 'There are more men in the sea. I don't need you.' Kevin placed the photo back in his journal. Maybe if he said it more often he was able to convince him self he really didn't need Nick. That he could love someone again one day. +++++++++++++++ Justin knew he was on a path of no return when he opened the door to the small conference room in the hotel. He was almost blinded by all the flashes. He put on his brave face and smiled. A rep from the hotel led him to the table. Most of the photographers returned their attention to the door expecting four more people to enter the room. Justin sat down on his chair and scanned the room. To his relief he saw a familiar face at the back. His smile grew bigger. Richie winked at him. Justin tapped on the microphone to check if it was on. 'Hello.' Again all the flashes went off. 'I want to thank you all for coming here. Special thanks to MTV for broadcasting this live. The reason I sit here all by myself and not with the four other band members is that as from tonight I'm no longer a part of Nsync. This decision was made by me and not forced on me by the other band members or our management. My personal reason is musical differences and not the injury on my arm.' Justin looked up and searched Richie's eyes for comfort. 'Tonight will be my last concert. I'll say goodbye to the fans than. I just want to thank them all for getting us where we are now. Your support has helped me through some tough times.' A reporter raised her hand to ask a question. Justin shook his head. 'I'll answer the questions of the press when I feel ready for it. After tonight's show I'm going on a long holiday.' Justin pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. 'I want to read out some personal messages to the people that I've been close to. Lance; take good care of the guys. Thank you for being there in the past. Chris, I may have never said this but you were like a dad to me. Thank for raising me so well. Joey...' Justin smiled. 'Don't ever change. Stay the way you are. Billie, Lexie and Julia, thanks for all the well meant advice from Elle and Cosmo.' The reporters started laughing. 'Nick, love is funny, sometime you have to let go of the one thing you love the most but love will always come back. To all the other guys I'll miss you all. I'm sure we'll be in touch.' Justin looked up and locked his eyes with Richie. Richie rubbed his hand over his heart. Justin copied the gesture. 'JC... I don't know what to say. I tried it many times privately but that got back fired on me.' Justin closed his eyes. 'Maybe you'll believe me now. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...' A tear ran down his cheek. Justin got up and walked from the room. He could hear the reporters calling after him. +++++++++++++++++ Scott turned off the TV. The room was so silent it nearly hurt. Joey looked at him. 'Sorry I snapped when you turned off the play station.' Scott shrugged. 'It's okay. I just thought you want to see this.' 'Where is he now?' Lance's voice broke. 'Richie is taking him to the stadium.' Chris looked at Abs. 'You knew about this?' 'Richie told us just before we left.' Chris clenched and unclenched his fists. He was angry. He was upset. 'I think we need to talk to Mr. Timberlake when he comes in.' Lance placed a hand on his arm. 'Justin must have a good reason to leave.' Sean walked into the room. 'Richie brought Justin in.' Chris and Joey almost ran out of the room. 'Where can we find him?' Lance had an apologetic look in his eyes. 'Our dressing room.' Lance followed Chris and Joey. Chris pounded hard on the door. A few seconds later Richie opened the door. 'Is Justin here?' Hissed Chris through his teeth. Richie opened the door a bit further and Justin came in view. His eyes were red and puffy. 'What the hell were you thinking?' Chris didn't hide his anger. 'I did what was best for me.' Justin's voice sounded surprisingly strong. 'I can't take the pain anymore. And I'm not talking about the physical pain.' 'But why didn't you come to us?' Lance's eyes were filled with sympathy for Justin. 'You guys were forced to choose sides and unfortunately for me I was on the wrong side.' Joey hung his head. 'I don't blame you guys.' Slowly Joey looked up again. His gaze stopped at Justin and Richie's entwined hands. Justin's eyes meet his and they locked. Joey turned crimson. 'I had to protect my self. For once in my life I did what was best for me.' Chris and Joey mentally kicked them selves. Lance didn't know what to say. 'I just want to be alone now. I need to be alone now.' Justin closed the door and left the three friends standing in the cold hallway. ++++++++++++++++++ JC didn't know whether to laugh or cry after seeing Justin. He was relieved that Justin made the big step of leaving. But he felt empty as he now realised he was losing a good friend. Suddenly the door flew open and Lance walked into the room. 'I hate you.' He simply said. JC looked at Lance. 'Hate me? Why?' 'Did you see Justin on TV about an hour ago?' JC nodded. 'Did you see that the man sitting behind that table had cold eyes? Did you see that the Justin we saw was just a mere fraction of the Justin we used to know? I saw a proud man sitting there taking matters in his own hand. Not just a young boy but a man who has been through god knows what.' Chris and Joey walked in the room. 'Gee Lance. I could hear all the way in the stadium.' Joked Joey. 'I've fucking had it with all of you. You don't seem to care. We made a mistake. We chose sides but there were no sides to choose. We let Justin down in the worse way possible.' Chris hung his head low. 'He cried out for attention but instead of helping him we pushed him away. We pushed and pushed until we pushed him over the edge.' Lance stared at his fellow band members. 'Can't you see what we've done?' He whispered. 'You.' Lance pointed at Chris and Joey. 'Those oh so funny jokes about gays. 'And you.' He pointed at JC. 'Let her go. It wasn't meant to be. God wanted your baby close. Stop living in the past and do something.' Lance sank on the couch. 'Do something before we all lose Justin forever.' Lexie walked to Lance and wrapped her arms around him. 'I think you are one of the best friends Justin could ever wish for.' ++++++++++++++++++++ Justin forced him self to take deep and slow breaths. He was alone on the big stage. This was his good bye. His final moment. He looked at the crowd. Everyone seemed to hold his or her breath. He looked over his shoulder and saw Kevin sitting behind the piano. Barely noticeable he nodded. Justin faced the crowd again. He took a deep breath and started singing: I cried a tear You wiped it dry I was confused You cleared my mind I sold my soul You bought it back for me And held the earth You gave me dignity Somehow you needed me Justin opened his eyes and looked at the first row. Many girls were crying. He looked at Kevin. He just smiled. Justin continued. You gave me strength To stand alone again To face the world Out on my own again You put me high Upon a pedestal So high that I could almost see eternity You needed me You needed me Justin felt a hand on his shoulder. Richie stood next to him. Justin opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Joey and Chris showed up next to Richie. Suddenly everyone but Lexie and JC surrounded Justin. A single tear rolled down his cheek. 'Go on, finish the song.' Whispered Richie You held my hand It was cold And I was lost You took me home You gave me love That I was at the end I turned my life Back into truth again You even called me 'friend' Justin was now crying, whispering the last words. The voices of all his friends echoed in his head. The last two remaining persons walked on stage too. Lexie had to push JC towards Justin. But Justin didn't look at them. 'We have to talk.' Said JC. Justin shook his head. 'We have nothing to discuss.' He moved past JC and started to thank the crowd. ++++++++++++++++++ Lexie and Richie had managed to get Justin and JC together in one room. The two former friends were standing in the middle of the room staring at each other. Justin slowly crossed his arms and looked at JC. JC took a deep breath and started talking. 'Lance said I should leave the past the past and start living in the present. Maybe he is right. But I can't forget the past.' Justin's eyes narrowed. He was not in the mood for a you-are-so-guilty talk. 'Why did you do it Justin? Why?' JC stared at his former best friend with pleading eyes. 'I was lonely. I had tried to talk to the other guys about me and who I was but all they do is joke about gays. You were so wrapped up in Lexie. Than I saw the attention everyone gave Nick. And I thought that if something would happen to someone I loved maybe just maybe someone would see that I needed a hug or a cuddle.' JC closed his eyes. His anger started to take control. 'But she was pregnant.' Said JC through clenched teeth. Justin shook his head. 'Do you honestly think that I could have done that knowing she was pregnant? I didn't know. Or did I know she forgot to take her insulin that afternoon. I never meant to hurt her or to get her in hospital.' 'JC!' Lexie rose from the couch. JC looked at her. 'Remember what you promised me?' He nodded. Justin looked at JC. He could see the anger in his eyes. Subconsciously Justin shivered. 'You blame me for the death of your child but what about your actions JC? Do I need to remind you of the time you tried to strangle me, the time you pushed me into the fireworks or the time you shove me and I ended up with a coffee table in my head?' JC looked at the ground. 'I tried to make it up to you in every way possible. But each time you responded by hurting me. I'm leaving because I can't take the pain anymore.' 'It's not your fault.' Mumbled JC. 'It's not your fault.' Justin looked at him. 'Excuse me?' Justin couldn't believe his ears. 'You didn't kill the baby. It was an ectopic pregnancy.' Justin ran a hand through his hair. 'Have you known all along?' JC shook his head. 'No, we just found out. I'm sorry Justin.' Justin looked at him. 'Why did you hurt me? Why?' JC started to tremble. 'I'm so angry inside. I...I...I wanted to hurt you so bad. I wanted you to feel the pain I was in. ' JC looked up and stared in Justin's eyes. Justin's eyes were cold. JC looked away. 'I can't make right what I did wrong. But can we try and make a new start?' Justin closed his eyes and sighed. 'You know you need help. I need help. I can't handle my fear anymore. I can't handle being in one room with you. I want to try but each time I do I see your face all twisted in anger. And I can feel your hands closing around my throat.' The impact of his actions suddenly dawned on JC. He was already coming with terms that the baby wasn't meant to be but Justin was traumatised. JC suppressed a sob and covered his mouth with his hands. His eyes filled with tears as he tried to digest the sudden realisation. A single sob escaped his lips. Justin opened his eyes and saw JC slowly fall apart. Justin stepped closer. He cupped JC's face and lifted it. 'Maybe it's not too late to start. We can always try.' Justin wrapped his arms around JC and pulled him close. Justin looked over JC's shoulder at Lexie and Richie. Lexie smiled warmly at him. The first step had been made. The first of many to take before they would be friends again. Richie rose to his feet. Lexie followed him. Justin softly pushed a crying JC in Lexie's arms and hugged Richie. 'Can we go to the hotel? I'm exhausted.' Richie nodded. 'Justin?' Lexie softly asked. Justin looked at her. 'Will this change your decision of leaving?' Justin shook his head. 'I made up my mind about that one. I'm not coming back.' +++++++++++++++ 'That was emotional.' Nick looked at Julia who was crumpling a tissue in her hand. He wrapped an arm around her. 'Shhh, don't cry.' Julia sniffed. 'I can't help it. He looked so helpless on stage.' Nick kissed her forehead. 'Justin will be fine.' Julia looked at him. 'Will he leave the tour and us?' Nick sighed. 'I don't know. I didn't even know he was thinking of leaving the band.' Nick searched for the room key and opened the door. Julia walked straight to their bedroom. Nick followed after checking if Richie and Justin were already back. 'Justin's sleeping. Richie was reading a book.' Julia took of her clothes and crawled under the blankets. 'I thought Italy was supposed to be a warm country.' She said through clattering teeth. Nick started smiling. 'I know what you need.' Julie shook her head. 'Don't you dare.' But Nick had already jumped on the bed and pulled her in a very tight hug. Julia patted him on his back. 'Air would be good.' Nick released her with a big smile. 'A Carter hug always works.' Nick quickly undressed and crawled in next to her. Several minutes later they were both sleeping. Nick snuggled closer to Julia. 'Hmm Kevin.' He mumbled. He rubbed his hand over her stomach. The skin jumped where he touched her. Nick chuckled. Kevin was so sensitive. Nick started to kiss her neck, slowing moving to her mouth. While kissing her deeply he moved his hand over her chest. Nick suddenly jerked up. Kevin didn't have breasts. 'Oh god.' Nick jumped out of bed and started heaving. He barely managed to get to the toilet before he threw up. Nick sank to his knees and rested his head against the cold tiles. He felt something cold in his neck. He looked up. Julia sat next to him. 'You could have told me I was a bad kisser. Throwing up was a little graphical.' Nick couldn't help himself but laugh. 'I thought you were Kevin.' Julia sighed. 'I know.' Nick frowned. 'So all those weeks I dreamt about Kevin it was you?' 'Most of the time. I felt sorry for you. I wanted to make you feel better.' 'Julia, I'm gay. Every since my hormones have been active I hated to kiss girls. It makes me sick as you can see.' Julia stared at her hands. 'I'm sorry I thought I was doing the right thing by responding to you.' Nick took her hand. 'I appreciate the help but I have to get over my feelings all by myself.' Nick got up and walked back to the bedroom. Julie watched his retreating back. 'Not if I have anything to do with.' She softly whispered. +++++++++++++++++++ End of part 11. Lyrics used: You needed me by Boyzone. Let me know if you like it nathanielstories@hotmail.com You can use the same address when you hated the story. I hope to have the next installment out very soon. Keep an eye on Nifty.