Chapter 21

EMAIL ME!!! pseud0nym@edsamail.com.ph

It has been already three weeks and thank God, I'm not that busy anymore. My time was solely devoted to the band and Brian, of course. I finished my job as choreographer for My Type of Music. We've finished recording it and it has already hit the airwaves last week and the audience were receiving it greatly. And, they just finished making the video for it.

That means, I'm not the busy one anymore, but the Boys are. They've been running across the country promoting the new single and I didn't enjoy that much. Brian and I shared less time now coz he has to travel lots of times while I was stuck in the concert venues trying to see if everything is in order.

We have a concert tonight so the guys would be arriving here in the venue around 4:00 for sound check and everything. "Are you okay?" Ken, the keyboardist asked me.

"Me? Yeah, I'm okay." I said with a smile to prove that I was really okay.

"You don't have to tell me but I know that you miss him." Ken told me as he sat beside me. My relationship with Brian was no secret here in the band and they're actually happy that I have met Brian. All I could do was just sigh. "They're gonna be here later and you'll see each other again. Don't worry." 

"It's not that. It's just I get this feeling that Brian and I are drifting apart. Most of the time, he goes out across the country to do some promotion or have a photo shoot there and an interview here. It's getting too much and our relationship is suffering." I finally said what was really going on.

"A relationship is filled with sacrifices." Ken said. "It's not like in the fairy tale books when two people meet and fall madly in love that they'll live happily ever after. Hell no! It's never happily ever after until the end. You two will face lots of challenges and this is one of those. Just stay strong." Ken squeezed my shoulder as he stood up and left me there thinking.

Was I expecting a relationship that is perfect? I mean this is my first relationship and Brian and I started good. I think the only problem we had was with his parents and now this. He even doesn't know that I'm having a hard time with a sorta long distance relationship. Should I talk this with him? I won't even attempt to tell him a piece of it. 

Brian has always told me that he's tired of being a Backstreet Boy and if I tell him this, he might even quit knowing Brian. And I won't let that happen. I don't think my conscience would bear knowing that I caused the breakup of the Backstreet Boys. They still have so much for them in the business.

"Marty!" Nick shouted as he ran towards me. They're here. Nick rushed to me and gave me a bear hug. "I missed you so much! And Brian was teasing me!" Nick said acting like a 4-year old.

"I missed you too." I said to him as we broke the hug. The other four walked to us and they looked tired. "You look like that you haven't slept for ages."

"We've been having the worst time in our life." Brian said as he gave me a kiss and a hug.

"Management gave us loads of promotion things to do and later we still have a concert and that's not the end of it. Coz we have a full load until next week." Kevin noted that made the others groan.

"I don't get it. This is a first time that they're pushing you to the limits." I told them.

"Well, Chapter One wasn't really good in the charts and so they thought that we were not serious enough." AJ said as he sat.

"Have you completed the new album?" I asked them. i knew that they've been working hard for the album for the last few weeks. Another addition in their heavy load.

"We've only got 5 songs including yours. Management has been pressuring us to finish it as soon as possible." Kevin told me.

You know what, I didn't know anything of the problems they were raising until now. I never thought that Brian was keeping so much from me. I looked at Brian and he wasn't looking at me. Guilt? He has this expression that is so lost. I squeezed his hand and he gave me a weak smile. "Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped." I said to him. Brian just maintained his silence.

The others left us to be alone together. They knew that the two of us needs to talk about what was happening. This is not the relationship that I was dreaming for. Is it already falling apart for us? "Let's talk." I stated.

"I fucked up. I think there's nothing to talk about anymore." Brian said defensively.

"I think we really have to talk this out because it seems that I don't know you anymore. I know that the last few weeks have been tough for the two of us. You've been travelling around the country promoting and I was in the venues trying to make everything perfect." I told him.

"Are you blaming me?" Brian said angrily. I could see the anger in his face. From his eyebrows, eyes even his nose just gives off anger.

"I am not blaming anyone Bri. We are in a relationship and I was expecting it to be very difficult especially that you're famous. I'm just saying that we are drifting apart. We seldom talk anymore because when you arrived, both of us are tired from the concerts. If I have free time, you go to another place promoting." I tried my best to explain as calm as possible. But looking at Brian, he was beyond hearing explanations. I think he's mind is made up already whatever he's thinking about.

"So you are saying that we should break up?" Brian told me curtly. I gasped hearing him ask that question to me. It never entered my mind but I was really hurt with it. 

"Bri, stop putting words in my mouth. You know that I wasn't implying that we should breakup." I said a little edgily. "What I was trying to say is that we should work things out but if you think that "breaking up" would do wonders with the both of us, go ahead. But never say that it came from me because you know that I love you very much just to give everything up." I said standing up and then I walked away. My sight was beginning to be blurry.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. But it was too late. I could fee the warm feel of a tear flowing down my cheeks. "Fine!" Brian shouted from behind. That really did it. I didn't try to stop the tears from flowing down or even my sobs from escaping my mouth. I don't want to keep the pain of what Brian just said. I can't manage holding those feelings in me anymore.

I didn't know where I was headed but all I know that I need to run away from the pain. I don't wanna feel pain anymore. I wiped away a tear from my eyes to see where I was heading. I was already outside of the arena. I could still feel the heat of the sun and the sultry air permeating my nostrils. "Martin!" Someone shouted from behind. 

I looked back and saw Nick running towards me. "What happened?" He asked me worriedly. I still can't think straight at that time to come up of words to say. I just needed someone. I embraced him and finally let all I was feeling lose. Nick just comforted occasionally rubbing my back to calm me. "Everything's gonna be okay." Nick repeatedly whispered to my ear. 

All that happened next was a haze for me. I remembered being led to a room, but I know that it's not the Backstreet Boys' dressing room. It was plain with white walls, a couch, and a table. I was resting on the couch and it wasn't very comfortable. I looked at my watch and it was 9:00 pm already. "The concert!" I exclaimed rushing to stand up. I opened the door and fixed myself to take my place with the band.

"Martin!" Irene, the PA called me.

"Irene, I'm so sorry. I slept and never noticed the time." I started.

"No need. Nick talked to me and said that you need a break from today's concert. You can go back to the hotel if you want." Irene said and walked away from me. I scratched my head thinking why.

It dawned to me. All the worries disappeared in my system. Only the feeling of emptiness was present. I dragged myself outside and saw Bill. Of all the people to see, it has to be Bill. "Of all the people I have to see, I have to see you Mr. Johnson." I think the two of us think alike. Was he reading my mind?

"Bill, I have no time for this." I said trying to shrug him off. I wasn't really in the best frame of mind to confront Bill now.

"Oh yeah, it's just Brian that you have time for." Bill said sarcastically. Martin, have a grip. Don't let him get to you. I tried to repeat it to myself. I walked away from Bill to get away from any trouble that we might be facing if our conversation would go on. "Well, you do have to keep an eye for Brian coz your goldmine might fly away and leave you nothing." Bill added and that did it for me.

"Bill, you don't know shit about me. You don't know that I'm so fucking rich that I could have you killed in an instant so don't say that about me." I said in grited teeth glaring at him. "And it's not a threat, it's a promise." I said then walked away.

I hailed a cab and instructed the driver to bring me to the hotel. While in the cab, my phone began to ring. According to the caller ID, it was Rich so it was safe for me to answer it. "Hi Rich" I said monotonously.

"How did you know it was me? Well, never mind. Just called you coz Alex called and wants to talk to you. I gave him your cell so he might call you later." Rich informed me.

"Did he say why?" I asked Rich coz I have no idea why Alex would call me. Alex is my younger brother.

"Nope. He was a little distressed but he didn't say anything to me." Rich told me. Now, my mind was reeling on why would Alex call me.

"Thanks Rich." I said then hanged up the phone.

After a few minutes, my phone began to ring again and it displayed an unknown number. It must be Alex. "Hello?" I answered.

"Um, is this Martin Johnson?" The person in the other line asked.

"Yes, this is he. Who is this?" I asked.

"Mart, it's Alex." Alex said. It is really Alex but Rich was right, it seemed that there's something wrong with him.

"Alex! How are you bro? Everything okay there?" I asked.

"Well, I'm not fine and everything's not okay. I ran away from home." Alex said solemnly.

"What!?" I exclaimed. "Why?"

"Um, I don't wanna be thrown out by Mom and Dad when they find out." Alex said. Find out about what?

Then it dawned to me. "You're gay?" I asked not believing that my brother was gay as well.

"Yeah." Alex said softly.

"Where are you now?" I asked him.

"I'm in a hotel in San Jose." Alex answered me. San Jose? Thank God.

"I'm just getting back from the Compaq Center. I want you to go to the Hilton and meet me there. We have to sort this out." I said to Alex. He agreed and ended our call. I'm definitely going to have a head ache because of this day.

I paid the driver once we reached the hotel. I immediately went to the front desk to ask if someone was looking for me but the girl said that there hasn't been any calls for me. "If someone by the name of Alex Johnson comes and looks for me, please sent him to my room." I asked the girl in the front desk. Well, technically the room I call mine is the room that I share with Brian. Oh, with Brian. "Um, another thing. Can you get me a new room for myself and my guest?" I asked the lady.

"Certainly sir." The girl said with a warm smile as she looked in the computer if there were in fact available rooms. "There's a room on the same level of that of the Backstreet Boys and another below it." 

"I'll take the one below the Backstreet floor." I said. I can see in her expression that she was confused but being a good employee, she didn't press to ask me more questions.

"Here's your keycard sir." She handed me the card and I thanked her for the amazing service that she has been giving me. I walked to the elevator and pressed for the Backstreet floor so I can get my things and move down to my new room. 

I arranged all my clothes and placed it in my bag. On the table, there was a piece of paper and a pen. Being still a very nice and considerate guy, I decided that I should write Brian a letter.

Dear Brian,

When you come here, I hope that you'd be wondering where I am. I know that we left in a very painful way but I just can't see you right now. Don't worry, I didn't run off again but I don't think that I can stay with you in the same room with everything that happened earlier. 

I hope that you understand that all I want is to settle all the problems that we are facing. All I wanted was to talk it out so we can solve it together. But if you really think that breaking up is the answer to this, all I can do but to accept it. I'll just see you tomorrow.

Always,
Martin

A tear escaped my eyes as I signed. Maybe Brian thinks that this is right? I mean his parents did say that this would be right for him. Brian doesn't need someone right now especially he has a career to think about. He doesn't need me nagging him to talk everything out. He just doesn't need me.

I left my keycard of the room along with the letter and left. I decided that it's just a floor down so I just walked down and waiting for the elevator would be too long. It was a short trip and the next thing I knew, eveything was settled in this new room. It wasn't as grandeous as my room with Brian but this would do coz we are gonna leave tomorrow.

I decided to watch some TV while waiting for Alex to arrive. But almost everything was crap. Nothing worthy to watch. I dialed for room service coz Alex might be hungry when he arrived. I dunno how much he brought but I just hope that he's in good condition.

Someone knocked at my door. I opened it and I saw Alex. Alex that I haven't seen for 5 years. The 13-year old Alex I knew was no more but a man is in front of me. "Alex?" I said hesitantly.

"Marty." Alex hugged me tightly. I could hear him sob on my shoulder. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too Alex. I missed you too." I said to him as I ushered him inside of my room. "Room service will be coming shortly." I said.

"You room here? You must have a good job." Alex said to me. He has grown so much. His voice was lower than before but the sweetness that I knew in his voice was still there.

"I'm the music director of the Backstreet Boys." I told Alex.

"Really? Wow, I am such a big fan of them but actually, I'm a bigger fan of NSYNC. Well, who wouldn't..." Alex was babbling. I just have to laugh at him. "Sorry." Alex said meekly as he blushed.

Someone knocked again at the door and I knoew that it's our food. "That's our food." I said as I walked to the door and opened it. The bellboy pushed in the cart and I handed him a $20 bill for tip. He thanked me and left us at peace. "Come on, eat up." I said. 

Alex grabbed a plate and pilled it with food. I guess he was really hungry. Well, it's been habit for me to any heavy as well because of Brian so I was piling food as well. "This is good." Alex said as he shoveled more food to his mouth.

"Do they know?" I asked him.

"Blunt as ever." Alex rolled his eyes. "Mom and Dad don't know. I just left there after the topic about you rose and they kept saying how much of a disgrace you are to the human race for being gay and everything and I got fed up. I went to my room and when they were gone for work, I left as well." Alex explained.

"You have to call them. They must worried sick already." I told Alex.

"What for? They'll gonna disown me anyway once they know that their other son is gay as well." Alex spatted.

"You still have to call them." I stated once more. Alex just sighed knowing how stubborn I am and wouldn't budge. He walked to the phone and dialed my parents' house.

"Hello." He said. "I'm here in San Jose with Martin." Alex paused. "Well, I ran away before you disown me." Again, another pause from Alex. "Because I am gay." Alex stated nonchalantly like it's the natural thing to say. "Goodbye." Alex hanged up the phone.

"Now, they won't call the cops or anything. Let's eat." I said like nothing big just happened.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Alex asked me. I guess I know that being blunt runs in the family.

"I don't know if we are still." I said sadly. "Alex, don't pry yet. I'm still a little shaken about it." I added knowing that Alex would be asking another question again. "You graduated right?" I asked.

"Yeah." Alex said. I can't believe that I've missed so many things in Alex's life. I mean, I am his only brother and I didn't spend any of his crucial 5 years without me.

"Thought of any good colleges?" I inquired.

"I dunno if I would be going to college." Alex stated. "I know you're gonna wonder why. Well, I'm thinking of being a musician."

"I am a musician but I went to college." I said to him.

"Are we gonna fight about this? We meet for the first time again after 5 years. Let's just not argue, okay?" Alex said exasperated.

"Fine." I said. My phone began to ring andwhen I read who it was, it's Nick. "Hi Nick." I answered.

"Where are you? You're not in the room." Nick asked me.

"I'm back in the hotel already. I'm tired so I'll just meet you tomorrow." I hung up the phone. I was not in the mood of talking about what I was feeling with Brian right now.

"Was that Nick Carter?" Alex said with eyes sparkling with excitement.

"Sad to say, yeah." I said to him with a laugh. The two of us chatted some more about the last five years. Actually it was more of him talking because there wasn't anything interested that happened to me. After we have eaten almost everything, we decided that we'll just sleep it over and talk about everything tomorrow.

I guess this would be another change for me.

EMAIL ME!!! pseud0nym@edsamail.com.ph