R e f o r m a t i o n
C h a p t e r    4 0 

 by r (y) @ n [windang@softhome.net]


I didn't get that much sleep. I could have just blinked my eyes and thought of it as sleeping. By 2:00am I called it quits and just went to the kitchen to fix myself a cup of coffee. I didn't bother with the coffeemaker and just made it manually.

I sat there alone in the dark just smelling the wonderful aroma of the coffee. I occasionally took some sips from my cup and just stared at nothingness thinking about everything that happened in my life for the past months. I knew that it changed drastically. From the moment that I saw Brian in the internet café, something already changed in me.

The question in my mind last night returned, is this the end? The answer was in our hands but I thought about it so much that it was so painful to comprehend all that has happened. There's still no answer. There were many things to consider and it has been too much for me to handle since Nick's fallout with almost everyone.

I kept drawing up scenarios if Brian and I would separate or remain as a couple. Either way, the future seemed to be bleak. If Brian and I were to continue the relationship, I knew that we would end up hating each other. Brian has been different since the fallout with Nick. The others would probably debate me on that but as his lover; I could sense any minor changes that would not register with others. He was more reserved and brooding as well. It was not the Brian I fell in love with. The Brian I fell in love with was cheery and spontaneous. He was loving and carefree. I was facing with a different Brian.

If Brian and I would separate, it's a given that we were gonna be miserable. No doubt about that. Probably, it would even affect the others. Some would probably hate me and some would hate Brian for the break up. It could create a bigger wedge. And it could also make things worse. Brian might even blame Nick for it. He's not thinking in the right mind and in his current state, everything seems possible. It's a different Brian Littrell. And how can I face the others after this? Brian and I have been breaking up since we started and maybe it's getting too old already. Maybe all I needed was an escape - an escape from all of the glitz and the drama of their lives.

One of the reasons why I walked away from fame was because of this. The life that a star lives is just too difficult. Should I retreat once again to the comfort of anonymity and return to the state before I met Brian? I knew in my heart that I couldn't.

Once all the coffee was gone, I washed the cup and returned it to its proper place. At the same time, I was brewing a plan in my head on how I should deal with my situation. I walked upstairs trying not to make any noise that could wake up Brian or Alex. I opened the door of our room slowly hoping it wouldn't creak and wake Brian. It didn't creak. I looked at the bed and Brian was sleeping spread eagle wearing nothing. It's like an invitation to the world to have sex with him. Even if we were not in good terms, I could feel my cock rise. He still had the effect on me. I still love him.

I grabbed my bags and slowly walked out of the room. It was a good thing that I didn't unpack any of my bags. It's easier with the plan I have in mind. I walked back downstairs to the kitchen and brought out a bunch of white papers that I could write on. First, I wrote a letter for Alex.

Dear Alex,

When you get this letter, I'm not in the house anymore. There's also a big possibility that I'm not in the country anymore. You know how spazzy I think. I know you're gonna panic and stuff but please don't. I'm going to be okay and I just need some time for myself. I just feel so lost and I need to find and bring back my self and sanity. Everything seems to be crashing down in my world and you've always been my anchor to keep me leveled and alive. Along with Brian, you two are the most important people in the world. One more thing, don't blame Brian with any of this. Sooner or later, this is gonna happen. It's inevitable.

Please cover for me in the remaining two concerts. I know that you can handle it since you've been by my side since the start. The band is well-trained already with the pieces and you'll just have to overseer that everything is okay. I trust you that you can handle this because I know that you have the talent. I'm gonna contact Tom and please follow him. He's gonna be my envoy with you, only you. I'm not gonna contact anyone except you so please update them that I am okay when I tell you.

Once I'm settled, I'll try to update you of my state. I'll be safe and be safe as well. Please help Brian. He'll be lost after this. Do it for me.

Your brother,

After writing the letter, I have tears running down my cheeks. I never imagined that it was gonna be this difficult. I wiped away my tears and decided that I needed to get away from writing emotional stuff since there would be more. I needed a break. I brought out my cell phone and dialed Tom's number.

"Hello." Tom answered groggily. He must be sleeping still.

"Tom, I'm sorry for waking you up but this is urgent." I told him quietly. I didn't want to attract any attention from the two guys above.

"I'm awake, I'm awake. What's up?" Tom said as I heard shuffling from his side.

"I'm going away for a while and I trust you that you'll keep this down. No one will know where I'm going. Even Brian or Alex. No one." I told him sternly. "But before I go, I'm gonna leave you some tasks to fulfill. Alex will contact you and give him a choice if he wants to stay with Brian or another place. If he wants to move out, let him choose if he wants to stay with Rich in Washington or his own pad. Make him as comfortable as possible. And update him also with the school search."

"Okay." Tom told me hesitantly.

"You'll still overseer with my affairs. Please take care of my finances while I'm not there. There's a big chance that I'm gonna be out of the country. I'll call you constantly to hear some updates about my affairs and also about Alex and even the NSYNC and Backstreet guys. Again, you will not tell them about my whereabouts or anything I tell you except if I tell you that you can tell them." I said as I rubbed my temples.

"Is that all?" Tom asked.

"For now, yes. I'll call you back soon." I replied.

"I don't want to pry about your personal life but I'm saddened with this new development. You've been a great guy and it's a privilege for me to be of service with you." Tom said that made me smile.

"Thanks, Tom. Bye." I thanked him and hung up the phone. I went back to the table where I was writing my letters to proceed.

I wrote each and every one of NSYNC and Backstreet a letter. It's all I could do with this stunt I was gonna pull. I hope they would find it in their heart to understand what I meant. I was gonna vanish from their lives. How long? I didn't know myself. They've been great friends and it would upset me to just leave them with an almost irrational explanation.

All letters were finished and properly labeled except one that I was dreading to write. Brian's. I took a deep breath and gripped the pen that I was holding and started writing. I poured my love and frustrations in the letter. The tears were flowing down and it was evident in the blotches in the letter. It was still readable though. It was the toughest of the letters to write and it drained me.

I have no idea how long I wrote, but I was done. I was finished. I looked around and it was still dark. I left the letters to the NSYNC and Backstreet guys on the counter and took two of the letters to Brian and Alex. I left Alex's letter at the foot of his door. With Brian's, I placed it on the counter beside the bed along with 2 Advil and a glass of water. I just looked at him and he was gripping the pillow I used earlier. It was the bed that we just made love with. It made me cry some more as I remembered the passion and love that we shared. I was beginning to hesitate if this was the right decision. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I gave Brian my final kiss on his forehead. He didn't even move when I kissed him. I walked out of the room stealthily. I went downstairs and felt the overwhelming presence of the silence that surrounded the house. With bags in tow, I quietly walked out of the house. I tried my best not to make any noise with the gates since it's hopeless to not make any noise with it.

Once outside, I gazed back. It was still dark and quiet. No sign of life. A few more hours and they'll discover what I did. They'll read the letters I left them and hopefully, everything would turn out fine.

I entered the cab I called earlier and instructed the driver to go to the airport. I closed my eyes and thought back at my letter with Brian. I could still remember every word I wrote in that piece of paper. I could still feel the love mixed with melancholy as I wrote it.

Dear Brian,

I know you're having a big headache so please take the two Advils I placed there before continuing. This is a little heavy and I feel so sad for ever doing this but I have to leave. I have to leave you. I have to leave Alex. I have to leave everyone. I have to leave this life I was leading. I have no choice but to leave or it will destroy me and eventually, the people around me.

Last night was a reminder that everything changed. I was still holding at the image of the past but reality started to sink in. Things changed. In this world, change is the constant thing. And I don't want that change to happen. I still want to hear the giggles of the threesome as they kidded each other. I want to see the practical jokes that Frick and Frack would play on Kevin who would run after them. I still want to hear the silly jokes that you make. I still want to see your stupid grin that makes me laugh and fall in love with you all over again. Call me the hopeless optimist but I wanted the "happily ever after" part and not the sad ones. But I made some soul searching and realized that I was the first one to change. From the day that I saw you, something changed in me. I was this introverted guy who hides from the world. You brought me out to this world and reacquainted me to its wonders. With that, I'll be forever thankful.

Now, I need to go away and find myself and discover what I really want and what I really need. Maybe this seems like an act of cowardice and selfishness. It is true. I am running away because I'm overwhelmed with all the changes that have happened. I am a selfish coward. I did it before when I hid myself from the world. I'm running away this time.

Please don't look for me because I don't want to be found. I'll try to keep in touch but don't expect it. I left Alex there and if you will accept him let him stay but I also gave him the freedom to move out if he wants or just stay with you - with your approval, of course. I wrote each and every one of the guys a letter and they're on the table in the kitchen. Please give it to them and let Alex give it to them. I owe you all a big apology with this stunt and I hope that you can forgive me someday.

I still love you Bri. Don't ever doubt that. Partly, I'm doing that because I want to save my love for you. I was beginning to find reasons why I shouldn't love you and I don't want that. I want to stay in love with you forever. You and Alex are the two most important people in the world and you even rank higher compared to him but don't tell him that : . You are the one that gave me a new and reformed life. You brought out the best in me and you were always there for me. It's such a shame that it has to end this way, and maybe this is not the end. Maybe this is just an interlude in our lives. I hope that we'll meet together once again in the future.

I love you and will always love you.


I paid my fare and walked out of the cab carrying all my bags. I grabbed one of those trolleys and placed my bags there. I went to the information counter. "Good morning ma'am. What are the flights available within the hour?" I asked her.

She smiled at me and typed some information in the computer. She gave me a list of destinations that I could go to. I settled to one and booked a flight. I stayed in the waiting area as I waited for my flight to be called. I was feeling a little bit anxious because the two could be up by now and driving here. Seeing them was the last thing that I needed.

Minutes seemed to stretch like hours as I just sat there. After a few more minutes, my flight was called. I looked around and observed the few people that was scattered in the sparsely-filled grounds of the airport. I turned around and walked to the gate that I needed to go that signified a new chapter in my life albeit miserable, it's still new.


It's the end of REFORMATION. I know that it's so sudden and stuff but I just thought that it's a good place to start a new chapter in the life of Martin. Where is he really going? What is gonna happen to him? I don't know. I just wrote this out of my mind. It's a total spur of the moment. :-) So, is this really the end? Not really. I'm gonna take a little break on writing this series. I feel so drained already and I still have What I See. I'm also writing some stuff with Crossed Paths and also an experimental idea that revolves in the storyline of the musical CHICAGO.

Thanks to all of those who followed the series since the start. I never thought that I would reach 40 chapters. I met many wonderful people through this story and I will always cherish it. It has been great writing this and I hope that it will encourage many readers to write as well. We need more writers in the archive. Show them your talent.

Thanks to ALL of you who have taken the time and EMAILED me! I truly appreciate it very much. It's really nice to know if there are people who are actually reading what I write.

PLEASE!!!! Send me feedbacks... I'm a feedback addict! I so love those feedbacks. Short, long, good or bad, or just whatever... drop me a line okay? I also have most of the IM programs out there and I'm usually on, hopefully you can catch me.
AIM : pseud0ry
Yahoo! : yr_ry
MSN : yr_ry_@hotmail.com

Also, I'm usually in the boyband chatroom.

EMAIL ADDRESS: windang@softhome.net


A big big "HI" to all my new friends in the Nifty Boyband chatroom, Nifty Writers room, and Crazy!!! There are too many names to mention but I guess Dru, Duckie and CJ are my frequent chatmates! So a big "hello" to the three of you! I wanna give a big shout out to my Danish pals, Chris and Danny. They have always given nice bits of advice to me especially when I felt low. I hope you two won't ever break up! :-) And finally, David!!!! Thank you very much for maintaining the Nifty archives. Without him, we won't be able to read any of the best slash stories.