Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 22:41:16 EDT
From: FishofHappiness@aol.com
Subject: Remembering Petticoat Lane, part 5

	Hey, everyone! Shorter section, here. I'm tired tonight. But! Anyway!
Thank you to everyone who has taken their time to e-mail me. I've tried to
reply to everyone, but in case I missed you, many heartfelt thanks. My
Disclaimer? I know no one and nothing. Don't read if you're under 18, don't
read if you're homophobic or real-person-slash-o-phobic. The Title is
from Blink 182's "Adam's Song." Small warning: The language in this section
is -rough-.

Without further chatter...

Remembering Petticoat Lane
Part 5: "Please tell mom this is not her fault"


        "Sure, Mom. Love you, I'll see you when we get in."

	Justin hung up on his mom, a small smile still etched on his face.
He and the other guys had stayed in the main room, watching TV, and trying
to get their minds off of the mental problems that had run so rampant in the
 past day. It didn't work. Within seconds of Justin's hang up, a shrill ring
pierced the room. Justin jumped, and then moved to pick up the phone again.

	"Hello?"

	Justin's brow wrinkled almost immediately after he said that. The
conversation would seem short, and unnoteworthy to any outsider, but to the
guys it carried the same emotional punch as the death sentence. "Diane? Yes,
we're in a suite. Oh, he did, did he? No, don't worry, we'll check on him.
I'll make sure, Diane. Take care." Justin's face was grim as he set down the
 reciever. "Evidently, Lance just told him mom about Lou. Then, he hung up
on her. She doesn't even think he heard her response."

	That sent JC scrambling to his feet. Something had felt wrong to
him, ever since Lance retreated to his room without so much as a glance to
him. "I'm going to go check on him."

	"JC, wait. It might be better if we leave him a--"

	Chris's words were interrupted and disproven by the eruption of a
dark, angry scream from Lance's room. Then, something crashed into something
else, complete with the sound of shattering glass. "Shit."

	JC made a mad dash to Lance's door, flinging it open. What he found
was enough to stop his heart from beating. Lance, the in-control 'responsible
' member of the group, had practically trashed his room. Well, not quite
trashed, only two things were broken. The phone was beyond repair the cord
had been ripped from the wall, and the plastic base was cracked. The mirror
that Lance had thrown it at was completely desecrated. Ironically, it was
currently catching a very broken and distorted view of someone who felt very
broken and distorted. There were tear tracks down Lance's face, but he was
flushed with anger and pain. The white bandage that still wrapped his hand
for once stood out as pale and awkward. When his eyes met JC's there was a
fire in them that JC had never seen before. Irrational anger had taken
control of Lance. It was as if so much had built up that he just had to
explode. "James? Baby?"

	"Get out, JC." The words walked the fine line between talking and
screaming. Lance was trembling, as if he was just aching to hit something,
or smash something. He felt as if a hundred horrible truths had marauded his
mind, and he couldn't control anything. It was a return of the surging fire,
and this time even soft words wouldn't temper the flames.

	"Lance, I'm wor--"

	"GET THE FUCK OUT!"

	Twice in one day, Lance had lost his temper.JC didn't know quite
what to make of the whole mess, but he knew that leaving Lance like this
would be a huge mistake. Not only could Lance end up doing something
dangerous to himself, but even if he survived, it would have been the end of
the relationship that JC had just barely started. JC wasn't about to lose
whatever this was by abandoning Lance when he had just started needing him.
JC didn't even verbalize it, he just shook his head, and moved aside enough
for the other guys to come inside.

	"Don't any of you fucking understand?!? None of this is worth it.
None of it. I lost my goddamned innocence for this group, I lost myself. I
lost my fucking personality! I'm not who I was when we started out. I liked
that Lance. I liked my soul."

	"I like you now, Lance."

	Lance grimaced at JC's sentence, and picked up a glass thoughtfully.
Then, with no visible warning, he flung the glass al the wall, letting it,
too, shatter. "Well, I dont! I don't want any of this!"

	"Any of what, James?"

	Lance looked at Chris, almost in shock, as if this was the first time
 he had seen him, and the others. Lance stopped shaking, and his voice was
angry, but strong. Given the meaning behind the words, that was almost a
chilling realization.

	"I don't want therapy. I don't want to write a letter to myself. I
don't want to talk to other survivors. I don't want to write about what
happened to me. I -want- to scream from the Goddamned top of the motel what
a fucking asshole Lou Perlman is, I want to slash my goddamned wrists and
rub the blood in his face, as I scream at him that he ruined my life, that
he's destroyed my soul, I want to tell the world how much I -hate- him. I
want to scream and bleed, and kill him. I WANT TO FUCKING KILL HIM! I want
to hate him with all my soul and let it consume me to the point that Nothing
else matters, except his death. That's what I want, Chris. None of you
understand what it's like. None of you could ever possibly know how it feels
to not be in control of yourself. I can't control anything anymore, and I
should be able to. I always have been able to. Now, I don't have anything to
turn to, I can't call mom back because she -knows-. My mother now knows that
I got it up the ass from Lou Perlman. I can't even pray anymore, because I
just can't... believe. I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be the one to
break apart. I know that I'm 'always in control' and 'reliable', but I just
can't do it anymore."

	That was the point where Lance's voice broke. He was still fighting
the tears, trying to be strong, but it was costing him dearly. JC recognized
that fact, and he moved forward to take Lance in his arms. Lance still
wouldn't cry, he bruied his face in JC's neck, and trembled in his arms.

	"Lance, baby, let go. Let it out."

	"I can't, Josh. Don't you see? I can't handle anymore of this
rollercoaster, I don't know how to feel normal anymore, and I think it's
tearing up my mind."

	JC lightly kissed the top of Lance's head, then his voice dropped to
a whisper. The other guys, being reasonably intelligent human beings, saw
this as their cue to leave the room.

	"It's tearing up your heart?" JC waited for the slight nod before
continuing, in harmony with all the warmth and good humor he could muster at
times like there, "When I'm with you? And when we are apart you feel it too?"

	He could feel Lance's smile on his neck. The body that had been
stiff and shaking in his arms a few moments before suddenly relaxed, and fit
itself to him. "Somethin' like that."

	"Lance, baby, you don't have to believe me right now, but I'm telling
 you that I am going to be here for you whenever you need me, however you
need me to be there. I'm not going to leave you over broken mirrors or
screaming fits or tragic life events. I love you, Lance, and I'm going to
protect you."

	Lance still and stiffened for just a second, and JC worried that
maybe now wasn't the time for a declaration, may he had rushed it all. When
Lance pulled back, he thought that he was going to be proven right, but then
he lost all thought when Lance's mouth caught his in a short, but intense
kiss. It wasn't passionate, because Lance was too wary, and he was too
worried, but it was intense.

	"I love you, too, JC."