Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2000 03:40:35
From: M. F. Luder <jmfluder@hotmail.com>
Subject: Reminiscence of Love

People!

Here is his short story for your delight. It's just a one piece. I truly
don't think there will be a sequel...

For those who are reading 'Just the truth', don't worry, I haven't died! I
was stuck in finals and didn't have the time to update it. The next chapter
must be close to this one somewhere, since I'm sending both of them
together.

I don't know them and this is just the product of my twisted imagination.
Although I do want to believe that Kevin and Nick are deeply in love. What
can I say? I'm a sucker for those two!

Feedback is always appreciated. Whatever you have to say will be great. My
addy is: jmfluder@hotmail.com

Now with the story....

Reminiscence of love

*****

I looked up from my plate to my husband. He was eating his meal like nothing
was going. That was the whole point, nothing had been going on for the
longest time. Even in our sitting you could see that. He was sitting on the
other side of the table. During the whole meal he hadn't even said a single
word. This was starting to be a pattern I was getting tired off.

Once again I focused on the food. How many times have I been doing this?
Trying to deny something had happened between us. Something had changed so
very drastically. I gazed at him once again and saw as he finished his food
and placed the cutlery on it. Standing up he walked over me and kiss the top
of my head. He didn't need to say anything, I knew exactly where he was
going. A couple of moments later I heard the study door close.

I sighed. This had been our life for the past couple of months. Who was I
kidding? The past couple of years. With heavy heart I picked up both our
plates and took them to the kitchen. Placing them in the sink I decided to
clean the next morning, I had late classes after all.

Falling into our usual routine, I walked over to my very own study and
looked around. I had a test the next day and knew I had to study. The room
looked cold, sending shivers down my spine. I couldn't study there, I had to
go somewhere else. Picking up my books and some notes I had scattered around
the place, I walked over to our room.

Our room.

I still remembered when we had bought the house. We had both wanted
something that was ours. Not his or mine, but from the both of us. 'A fresh
start' he had said.

Placing all my books on the bed, I sat here and started thinking back, to
the start of our love. Small touches here and there. Secret smiles.
Promising looks. Bolded passions until he had had enough and came to my room
and told me he loved me. No other words had meant more in my entire life
that those three words from his mouth. It couldn't be true, life couldn't be
so good to me. The one and only person I loved couldn't love me back. But he
did. It had been so wonderful when it just begun. Love was in the air as
Brian used to say.

It seemed so far away, even though it wasn't more than a couple of years.
When we first got married everything was sheer bliss. Ok, that was four
years ago. When did it all changed? It must have at some point and I didn't
notice. Neither did he apparently. Even when the group broke up everything
was fine between us. After all we all knew it was bound to happen at some
point. We had been together and successful for ten years. It had been time
to call it quits.

Each one of us started doing something on their own. Brian and Leighanne had
been married for two years already and wanted to stay low key for a while.
Neither of them needed to work anymore, so Brian thought that being during
their children's first years was a good idea. Can't blame him, after all the
struggle he had keeping his relationship with Leigh during our worse years,
they deserve the 'vacations'. AJ kept his Johnny No Name tour for a couple
of years, then got bored of it and build his own bar. Loves it and he's
always inviting us over. Howie was happy with his real state business.

Kevin and I... well... I told him I wanted to take some classes in college,
graduate maybe. He agreed and was happy for me. He had been thinking about
forming his own record company and I thought it was a great idea. He loved
the business and was great as a producer. He had his own label in no time,
Brian would even join him from time to time in the producing biz.

But it did changed. Our lives aren't the same anymore. He wakes up, goes to
the label, works till eight and then comes home, has dinner, goes into his
study to 'work in the papers' and then goes to bed. I'm not better than him
either. My life revolves around college. I didn't have vacation after the
group split, I took classes the very next autumn and now I'm in third year
of college.

We had been together for almost seven years, four of which we had been
husband and husband. I didn't want our relationship to end. But living like
this wasn't an option either. I loved him. Damn, I still love him. Then
maybe is him the one who doesn't love me. When was the last time we made
love? I couldn't remember. When was the last time he kissed me in the lips?
I didn't remember either. A kiss on the cheek or on the top of my head was
the usual now.

But most important of all, when was the last time we talked? Actually
talked? When was the last time we sat on the couch and just held each other
for the heck of it, not really needing to say anything or do anything
besides being there just the two of us and hear each other's breathing. Too
long to actually remember.

I was loosing him and I could feel it in my bones. God! I could possibly
have lost him already and I wouldn't have notice because I was pretending
everything was just fine between the two of us. I was pretending because I
was scared of the outcome. I was scare of asking him if he still love me and
hear him say no. Hear him say that he wanted the divorce and to forget I
ever existed.

Maybe there was somebody else in his life. It wouldn't be so hard either. We
barely had time to spend it together and he was all day long away in the
studio. I stood up from the bed and walked over to the full length mirror we
had there. Standing in front of it, I looked at myself.

Yeah, I had changed from that pinned up eighteen year old boy he had fall in
love with. I had definitely changed. My hair was a little darker than
before, even shorter. After all it was easier to take care of it than when
it was until my ears. My eyes were bluer, but I had bags under them. That's
college and the exam's fault. Having to stay up to study isn't good on you
looks. I was about one inch taller. Not that you could actually tell, but I
knew I had grown. My skin was darker, after all the hours in the campus
studying, the sun had to do something to your skin.

I sighed in pure despair. I was heavier. Much heavier. Even back in my
Backstreet days I knew I had some trouble with my weight. After turning
eighteen I gain some weight and was almost impossible for me to stay within
the acceptable for my height. Diets never did good to me. That and the fact
that's almost pointless to try to get on a diet when you're living on fast
food.

Ok, but even then I wasn't fat. Not what you could call fat. Chubby...
maybe, but not fat. Now.... now it was a totally different story. Having
three cafeterias in the campus isn't good for a boy with a good appetite.
Nor is the fact that I get hungry when I study. I just can't seem to focus
on the subject at hand unless I'm chewing something. And pens don't help
either.

Even my clothes didn't help my looks at moment. I was only in gray sweats, a
black T-shirt and some sneakers. Lifting my shirt I looked at myself in the
mirror a little more truthfully. I had a belly. Quite a belly to be honest.
My stomach sloped considerably outward, my excess weight pulling at my
sides. If I ever had some abs, they were lost under the layers of fat. I was
square. And I didn't even want to think that I could possibly be round.

I had even changed pants sizes for Christ sake! I was fat and there was no
point in denying it any longer. I had been reduced to a ball of fat. When
was the last time I had gone to the gym? Back when I was in the group and I
*had* to stay thin. Or at least not too fat. Then, well, college took all of
my time and I have to accept I was just too lazy to actually go.

Placing my hand on my abdomen, I squeezed my prominent belly, leaving some
red marks on my white skin. I could feel my eyes tearing up. No wonder he
wasn't attracted to me anymore. Who would? Kevin still looked like the
twenty-seven year old guy I had fallen head over heels in love with while I
was just a fat boy. I could say that Kevin looked even better than before.
No one would think he was actually thirty-four, he didn't looked one day
older than twenty-nine. Even now he didn't have one ounce of fat in his
body, while I was pretty easy thirty pounds over weighted.

Walking over to the bed once again, I sat there and looked at my folded
hands. Of course there was someone else! We hadn't been together for a long
time and he was still sexy as hell, he could have anyone, why would he want
to be with his silly fat, baby husband? I should have noticed before. I
should have. Not keep pretending like everything was alright.

Everything around me seemed to crumble. I was loosing him. Maybe he didn't
ask for the divorce just because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. What
was I going to do? I still loved him too much to let him go, but I didn't
want him to be 'tided down' just because of me. Tears were welling up in my
eyes once again. I was feeling like his love was slipping through my fingers
and there was nothing I could do. If he wanted to leave me, then so be it. I
would be crush, I have to accept that, but he would be happy. All I had ever
wanted was for him to be happy, and if that meant letting him go, then I'd
do it.

I heard the door of the study open once again, he was probably coming to the
room to sleep. I stood up and gathered all the books, I hadn't study one
bit. There was no way I would have been able to focus on something as
meaningless as history when my marriage was crumbling around me. Placing my
stuff on the chair nearby, I decided I'd try to study the next day. If I
could.

Sitting on the bed, I waited for him. He opened the door slowly, barely
realizing I was there. Not saying a word, he walked to his side of the bed
to started undressing. He was gonna stay only in his boxers and his white
tank top, I knew that. Even that could show you just how bad our
relationship was. We'd never go to bed with clothes. Who had been the one to
changed that? Who had been too tired, or knew in the back of his mind that
something was different, to stay on boxers and a T-shirt, and then became
the routine?

He had barely unbutton a couple of buttons of his shirt when I spoke up. "We
need to talk." I had to talk with him. I had to know if there was still an
'us' or we had drift just too apart for things to be the way they used to
be. I had to know if he still loved me.

Kevin looked up from the bed, his piercing green eyes finding my sea blue
ones. His eyes looked deeper than they used to. So much deeper and so much
greener. I remember when I used to drown myself in his sapphire green eyes,
when I could know exactly what he was thinking just by looking at him. I had
lost that. I had lost the bond we used to shared. I had lost my husband.

"Do you need money?"

I couldn't believe what he had just asked. Was that the remains of our love?
Just asking for money? Sure, I wasn't working and Kevin was the only one
bringing the money to our family, but still.

I shook my head. "It's not that. We need to talk."

"What do you mean?" he sat in the bed and looked at me. He looked so calm
and control. Didn't he have an idea of what was going? Hadn't he noticed our
withdrawl from each other?

"About us."

'If there's still an us' I thought sadly.

"We... we're not the same Kevin. Something happened. Something changed." I
dropped my gaze to my hands as I stood in front of him. I couldn't see him.
I couldn't show him how bad this hurt me. I couldn't let him see the tears
forming in my eyes.

"Nick--"

"No." I cut him off. "Hear me out." I had to take a couple of breaths before
I could actually continue. "I don't know when it changed. I don't know why.
But things aren't the same. I can't keep pretending everything is the way
it's supposed to be anymore. We shouldn't."

I looked at my hand. My wedding band shining under the light of the room.
Had it been so long since that day? Had it been so long since we promised
undying love for each other? How happy we had been then. How much in love.

'Until death do us apart.' The line run through my mind. Death hadn't
separated us. Loneliness and our own worries had.

I had to look at him. I had to. Lifting my gaze, I could see he was worried.
About me or about us, I didn't know. "When was the last time we kiss? When
was the last time we made love for that matter Kevin? I don't remember and
I'm sure you don't either. What happened to us?"

Touching my wedding band, I could feel the coldness of the gold. Cold. That
was the perfect word for our marriage. "We're just a couple of estranges
sharing the same house and the same bed. I don't know anything about you
anymore. I don't know what you do in the office or how are things in the
label. You don't know anything about me. I could swear you don't even know
what year I'm in college."

I sighed and turned around, my back to him. I had to do it. I had started
telling him what I was feeling. I had to finish it.

"I feel like there is no us anymore. I feel like..." the tears were
threatening to fall and I couldn't let that happened. I needed to look at
him and see his reaction. I needed to be sure of his answer. I turned once
again and focus my gaze on him.

"Do you still love me?" my voice was tentatively, soft.

"What?" I could see he was lost, his eyes could still tell me that. At least
that.

"Do you love me? I don't know where I stand anymore."

"You're my husband." His voice was so calm, almost emotionless. Had he had
this discussion before? With his own mind or with someone else?

"That doesn't answer me anything!" I snapped. "Yes, I am your husband. But
that doesn't mean you can't stop loving me."

He just stood there, looking at me. Shock and confusion written in his face.
Haven't you think of this before? Have you been so blind Kevin that you
haven't seen this? I didn't know.

The final question. I had just one more left. "Is there anyone else?" I
manage to whisper. "Someone from the label, some singer maybe... I..." my
voice shook with the tears I was holding back. Taking a deep breath, I
continued. "If there's someone else... then maybe the best would be...
that...." I looked at my feet, I couldn't finish. I just couldn't. I
couldn't tell him that the best would be the divorce. I loved him too much
to loose him. I'd be death within a month if I was away from him.

I heard him walk. No, no, no! Anything but this. I wouldn't be able to stand
hearing him walk away from me. Telling me in his actions that I had found
out the truth about our separation. I'd die of hurt. I couldn't hold back
the tears anymore as I felt them running free through my cheeks, a couple
falling into the carpet and my shoes. My knees started to wobble as I heard
silence. Pure and utter silence.

He was gone.

As I was about to fall to the floor and sob my heart out of the unbearable
pain I was feeling, a hand was place in my shoulder, fingertips lifting my
face so I was able to look at the man I loved with all my heart.

His eyes showed me sorrow, pain. He was feeling bad for doing this to me.
For hurting me like that. Did this mean he had been cheating on me? Did this
mean he didn't love me anymore? I didn't want to hear the words from his
mouth. I didn't want to hear the end of our marriage.

"What makes you say that?" his voice once again calm and collected.

"Look at us!" I said as I wave my hands around the room. "It's been ages
since we last kiss, since we made love. We used to be around each other so
much the guys would complain about it! We would touch, and kiss, and leave
practice just to be all over each other in peace. Where.... where did that
go? When did that change?" Placing my hand on my mouth, I tried to hold back
my sobs.

"Look at me." Taking a step back, I let him look at me. "I'm not the same
guy you fell in love with. I'm fat!" I practically yelled at him. "I'm fat
and I don't see why you would want to be with me than with a
young-beautiful-athletic nineteen year old." My teeth were chattering from
the tears I was holding back and the ones running free. "It'd be so easy for
you to like someone else. So easy." I ended up whispering.

He walked slowly to where I was. His face showed me he felt bad for this.
Was he hurt too? Did it hurt him that I had finally realized this? Placing
both his hands on my cheeks, he brought my face to his as his lips brushed
my lips slightly. Tentatively at first, he placed petal soft kisses on my
mouth. It felt so good to finally be able to kiss him. Needing him to be
closer to me, I placed my hand on the back of his head, bringing his mouth
to mine, while my other hand rested on his waist, holding him close to me.

Pulling away slightly, Kevin broke the kiss. However his hands still
remained in my cheeks. I moved the hand I had on the back of his neck until
it rested with my hand on his waist. This was what I had been missing. This.
Being able to hold him close. Being able to love him.

His sea green eyes looked a lot softer when he looked at me, like something
had definitely changed within him. Had he been feeling as isolated as I had?
Had he been feeling just as lost as I was?

"I love you Nick. I never stop loving you."

I could see in his eyes that he was telling me the truth. The very same eyes
I had looked at four years ago when he had promised me eternal love. The
same piercing eyes I had fell in love with.

"I don't know what happened to us, I truly don't. Whatever it was, it
brought us apart, and I'm sorry if I let that happened." His voice was so
low, his southern drawl sticking up as it usually did when he would whisper
sweet things in my ear.

"You mean it?" I felt lost and unsecured and it show in my voice

A small smile graced his lips. His smile. How much had I missed that slight
smile when his lips would turn slightly upward, showing me just how much he
loved me? Seeing him smile, I could help but smile myself.

"Yes. God Nick I love you so much! Don't even doubt that." His thumb
caressed my cheek slightly, like when he used to do it while spooning me
before falling asleep.

I couldn't help but lean into the caress, my lips parting slowly as my eyes
half closed. I had missed this so much. The intimacy, the feeling of his
body next to mine and our heart intertwined. I had missed him and I could
finally feel I had him back.

"There's no one else?" opening my eyes, I looked at him. My voice was as
steady as I could muster while feeling my fears bolded up inside.

He stayed quiet for a moment before asking. "What makes you say that?"

"I'm fat." I stated, whispering my most inner fears and waiting for a
truthful answer. "I'm fat and you look as good as you did when I first fell
in love with you. Why would you want to be with me?"

Kevin smiled once again and I felt my heart do flip flops. Did he knew the
kind of power a single smile had over me? Did he knew how much I loved him?
I hoped so. I hoped he could see all my love reflected in my eyes as I could
see in his.

"I love you. I want you. I don't care if you're fat or thin or young or old.
I fell in love with you seven years ago and I love you just as much, if not
more. Please believe me Nick. I need you to believe me. I had never, and
would never, cheat on you."

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding back as I felt the tears
of frustration and happiness run down my cheeks. He still loved me, he still
love me and still wanted me.

Slowly he lean over and kiss me slightly. His lips tasted just as sweet as I
remember they did want when we were younger. They tasted like strawberries
and sugar. As the kiss continued, I decided to be bold. Running my tongue
through his lips, I waited for them to part. Kevin complied and gave me an
opening. I let my tongue enter his mouth as I had so many times before.
Feeling his tongue reaching for my mouth, I couldn't help but moan. I crave
for this man. I loved him and I needed him to know that. Breaking the kiss,
I allowed myself to place small butterfly kisses on his lips and nose.

His hands still on my cheeks, he looked at me. "Between the label and
college, we pulled apart. I'm so sorry for that. But things will get better
love, we'll make them better. I love you and I don't want to lose you. We'll
get through this. Together, we'll get through this."

Knowing he was telling the truth and we could both work things out, I rested
my head on the crook of his neck, as I pressed my arms tightly around his
back. Kevin, in answer, placed one hand in my waist, while letting his other
hand on my head, his fingers running through my hair.

I let out a sigh of relieve. We would get through it. We had fought hard
enough to make our relationship work during our touring days, when we had to
lie about it. We had gotten married in secrecy and weren't able to talk
about our love until after the group had slip. We had fight enough fights
during our years together, and even more during our marriage. If there was
someone who could make it work, it was us.

I closed my eyes as I let myself be hug by the man I loved the most. There
was nothing more calming for me that hearing his steady breathing and
feeling his heart beating. With one of the hands that rested in his back, I
started moving my thumb in circles in the back of his column. I still
remembered how much he liked it.

Feeling loved, I breath in the smell of his skin and cologne. For a moment
it felt like nothing had really changed. That we were the same young couple
seven years ago who held each other after their first kiss. We had just
found one of the most beautiful relationships we had ever known and we knew
no one could stop us. We loved each other and that was all matter. We were
right. Only that matter. And now, only the fact that we still loved each
other and were willing to fight for our shattered relationship was the only
thing that matter.

I pressed my hands against his back, bringing him closer to me. Needing him
closer to me. I had him back and I wasn't gonna let go of him. Not now. Not
ever.

*****

Did you like it? Was I too mean about Nicky gaining weight? *evil smile*
What can I say, I love torturing him.

Send me your comments about the story. Until very soon.... that's for
sure...

Take care and investigate.

M. F. Luder
jmfluder@hotmail.com