Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:24:47 EST
From: Brwydevil@aol.com
Subject: Boys Bands: Running Thoughts 8

     I know, I know. It takes far too long. But with work, class, plays and
life, I cannot do everything! Besides, I write for enjoyment purposes. If you
like em, you like em! I wouldn't want anything to be rushed. My philosophy is
so simple! :) Remember that I love to receive critical mail... so send it to
BrwyDevil@Aol.com if you wish. I respond to everything after this week of
hell is over! The characters, events, storylines, items, names and events
listed are all fictional. They are taken from a true life group of people but
seen from a made up point of view. Enjoy and comment if you want!


                     Running Thoughts Part Eight: "Losing My Mind"


        The beeper on the table began to vibrate. It rattled along the
surface and then stopped. It had been going off for several minutes. Justin
was standing under the hot water of the shower in the next room. He had
waited a little while for the beep from Nick but he wasn't expecting it. He
wasn't sure what their first encounter was all about. Nick seemed sweet (and
he was definitely cute) but there was no reason to believe anything was going
to come out of it. Even if their eyes had seen so much passion. Who would be
so lucky to get a relationship out of such a spontaneous meeting?
      Justin dipped his head under the stream of water and let it wash over
him. He felt so sweaty after he performed on stage. He was glad he had
literally run into Nick.  It took his mind off of his ex. It helped him relax
and forget his troubles. What was it about Nick? He wasn't star struck... He
wasn't even really impressed. It had to be something chemical.
     Justin had been slowly forgetting the pains and pleasures of the old
boyfriend. He didn't want to do that but he couldn't help it. He would have
loved to get some sense of closure... to try and move on as happily as
possible. Life was not as simple as he would have liked it to be. He had been
cut out of the loop and no matter how much he loved the good memories and
hated what his ex had become, he couldn't deny himself his true emotions.
Just because love had the capability of dying didn't mean it was supposed to.
Youth was foolish and frustrating. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Not
always. 20/20 vision is different for everyone due to perception.  As long as
you are confident with your choices and you can forgive yourself for the
faults you've recognized, then there should be no remorse. No regrets.
     Justin loved little hotel soaps. He used to hold on to some as
souveneirs but then he had visited so many hotels that it was growing into
quite a collection. He left them in his bedroom back home in Tennessee
whenever he was there to visit. It was definitely the envy of all those who
saw it. Much like his sneaker collection. He liked knowing that he kept a
piece of every place he had stayed.
     The bad thing about the little hotel soaps was their size. Justin always
worked up a good lather when he showered. The little bars only made it
through one shower. It was a good thing he was a celebrity or he would have
had to start bringing his own toiletries. He scrubbed the blue gel shampoo
into his hair and cleaned away the products that the beauticians had
plastered on before their performance. He liked feeling clean. Hair sprays,
makeup, jewelry, and fashions weighed him down. The forced photo-shoots which
he hated to attend embodied this superficiality to a T.  Natural beauty was
far more perfect.
     Justin scrubbed at his arms and thought about everything he had said to
Nick. He was meticulous. He didn't want to think that he had said anything
stupid. He then referenced his events with Nick back to his ex. He thought
about the similarities and differences. He ran the suds over his chest and
let the water dissolve them.  He forgot about his ex for a moment and focused
only on Nick.  He wiped his old memories away. He flushed out the unpleasant
awkwardness of uncertainty he felt.
      Justin turned off the water and leaned back against the shower wall. He
sighed and looked through the steam that whirled around the room. The mirror
on the door gave him a distorted, foggy reflection of himself. He squinted
and shook the water out of his hair.
     He stepped out of the stall and onto the bath mat. Justin scrubbed the
towel down his legs and up his back. The fog began to slowly disperse. He
stared into his own face as it reappeared before him on the mirror.  It
looked foreign to him. It looked new. Justin analyzed his smile. A smile that
he didn't remember putting there. He threw the towel over his arm and waited
until the entire room was clear of fog. He didn't know how long he had been
standing there.
     Justin took his grey Calvin Klein robe from the door knob and draped it
over his shoulders. He took one last look at his natural self and turned out
the light. He walked back into the hotel room and found a pair of comfortable
maroon flannel pants. He put on the robe and tied it shut as he laid out the
pants. There was a distant buzzing in his ears as he closed his suitcase.
Justin turned to the table where he had emptied his pockets. The beeper was
not there.
     He then realized that the buzzing was not in his ears but coming from
under the radiator next to the table. He bent over and found his beeper had
vibrated its way off of the table. "Shit..." he groaned. He knew he should
have turned it onto beep and not vibrate. A telephone number flashed on the
tiny green screen. It was followed by "171" (which was Nick's code- since 17
looked like an "n" and 1 looked like an "i" for the beginning of his name).
Justin rushed over to the phone and dialed. He sat on the edge of the bed and
let the phone ring. He only hoped it wasn't too late.


============================================================================

       "Why do you keep looking at me like that?" AJ put the dumbells back
into his duffel bag and ran the back of his hand across his forehead. Kevin
blinked quickly and moved his eyes away. "Kev? You've been staring at me all
night- is something up?" AJ waved his hands for attention.
     Kevin turned around and shifted his weight to his left leg. He felt a
cold sweat developing around him and a pressure in his chest. "No, no man.
I'm just tired." he stuttered. "I zone out when I'm tired."
    "Are you gonna use my weights?"
    "Oh- you mean work out?"
    "Why else would you be here in my room?" AJ laughed. "Do you like
watching me work out or something?"
     There was an uncomfortable silence between them as AJ got himself a
bottle of water and sighed. Kevin averted his vision and tried to lessen the
redness in his cheeks. Did he really have a crush or was it just mere
curiosity? He knew AJ for so long... where was this coming from? He tried to
shake the images in his mind but it was impossible. AJ was everywhere.
    "So..." Kevin cleaned his throat. "What do you think about the joint
concert?"
    AJ took a sip of his water and shrugged. "It's... an experience." he said
with a grin. "I don't think I am going to like it, though."
    "Why's that?"
    "The fans out there might start comparing all of us up there..." he
groaned as he slumped into a chair. "I don't want to go through that."
   "Are you afraid of losing something?" Kevin crossed his arms and cocked
his head in thought.
   "I'm not gonna claim that we're any better than N'Sync- and I'm not gonna
say that they are any better than us."
   "But the fans will surely say it." Kevin completed the thought. They were
quiet for a moment. "Don't worry about it." Kev smiled. "At least people will
see all ten of us at the same place at the same time. Maybe the jokes about
us being the same people will stop."
    "And what about the music?"
    "What about it?"
    "Do we have any songs together? Do we have more solos than they do? What
about show-stoppers? Do we interact?" AJ rambled on. "Its giving me a
headache."
    Kevin moved over to where AJ was sitting and leaned against the wall. He
shut his eyes and made sure AJ couldn't see him. "We are going to the Garden
tomorrow morning to work all of this out..." he reluctantly put his hand on
AJs shoulder. "We'll be great... just get some rest."
    "Thanks, Kev..." AJ slowly eased his breathing and relaxed. Kevin opened
his mouth to say something but stopped. This was all so foolish. His heart
was beating so fast. His hands were so clammy. He wished he could figure out
the feelings he was experiencing. Kevin was too frightened to even go to
sleep. He didn't want another erotic dream about AJ. Not until he knew what
was going on within himself. Kevin slowly removed his hand from AJ and
tiptoed towards the door.
    "Kev?" AJ whispered. Kevin stopped and turned around. He was about to
turn out the lights. AJ sat up a little bit but kept his eyes shut, "Are you
all right?"
    He took a few steps back and raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
    "I know you..." he said. "You're not happy."
    Kevin looked to the floor and shook his head. This could be his chance to
say everything he wanted to say. He grunted and sighed. But how do you tell
someone something like this? Kevin wasn't ready.
     "Don't worry about me." he whispered back. "I'll be fine- just get some
rest."
     "You can talk to me, man..." AJ yawned and nodded off. Kevin bit his
lower lip and switched out the lights. He tightly closed his eyes and shut
the door behind him, keeping the tears inside.


============================================================================

        Joey took a bite out the hero and turned up the volume on the TV. He
scrunched up his toes and adjusted his left sock. He loved midnight snacks.
If it were up to him, though, he wouldn't be cooped up in the hotel still.
NYC had a lot to offer. He knew that by now. But he couldn't experience the
nightlife whenever he wanted to. He needed to be ready early for the joint
rehearsal. No one in the group was able to go out. The managers purposefully
tightened security to lock down the boys.
      They considered it was a safety precaution. Joey was watching a rerun
of "NYPD Blue". He took a sip of his ginger ale and laughed at Sipowitz. He
heard a knock on his door and got up. He adjusted his shirt and opened the
door. Chris was standing on the other side.
     "She's ba-aack!" Chris was holding a pile of papers in his left hand.
Joey let Chris in and shut the door. "I think she's in New York."
    They were just recently recovering from an obsessed fan who had stalked
them and written to them every day for over a year. They had told their fan
club to disregard her letters and that finally stopped the flow. But now she
was back- and the letter was twice as long. Chris received it from a bellhop
just minutes before.
    "Well, we knew she didn't disappear." Joey took the papers and looked
down at the familiar handwriting that he had read so many times before.
"She'll be there tomorrow night." he stated.
     "Be afraid- be very afraid."
     "She's harmless."
     "Don't be so sure of that." Chris sat next to the tray of food on the
bed. "Obsessed people can get out of control. Especially when they don't
think they are obsessed."
     "She's just lonely. She's just got some comfort in our music. And now
she is taking it to the next level."
    "And how do most stories like this end?"
    "Well... most often, the band becomes less popular and falls into
obscurity."
    "And how do movies like this end?" Chris gestured.
    "With Gunshots."
     They both nodded uncomfortably and the sound of the TV filled the
silence. There was a sudden gunshot and both boys jumped. It was only coming
from the television. Chris and Joey started laughing. They took the letter
and placed it on the desk. "We could burn it." Joey shrugged.
    "What did we do with the others?"
    "I think Justin kept them actually." Joey picked up his ginger ale. "He
was very excited to have a stalker... and now we have too many of them."
    "I guess I could bring this to Justin."
    "Tomorrow. We should all be sleeping right now." Joey took a sip. "We
have to be up in 5 hours..."
    "Yeah, you're probably right. I'm gonna have nightmares now..." Chris
walked back towards the door. Joey turned off the TV as an infomercial about
knives came on. "Goodnight Joe."
    "Goodnight, man." He closed and locked the door. Joey discarded his socks
(since he could never sleep with them on) and threw the sandwich wrapper into
the garbage. He wiped the crumbs off of the bedspread and turned out the
light. Something caught his eye as he laid down. A greenish glow was shining
from the desk. He pushed the blanket down and crawled over to the edge of the
bed.
    In glow-in-the-dark ink, she had written, "I Am Watching You."


============================================================================

     He watched Justin from the very top of the Garden and sighed. There was
no one else in the gigantic arena. They were so far apart, but they were
looking right into each other. He had often dreamed this... but now there was
a face to match it to. In an instant, he was on the stage and he was looking
at someone back where he had just been standing. An audience of screaming
fans appeared in a flash. He was with the rest of his group and he could
hardly make out anything that was going on. He couldn't distinguish faces
from here. Not even the one he was looking at.
    This dream was only frustrating him more and more. He just wanted to see
Justin. He didn't need all of this psychadelic crap. He had tried so
desperately to keep from falling asleep but it had been a long day. He was so
tired. He curled up in his bed with the phone up against his ear- in case it
rang. The dream continued to confuse him and spin around in his head. Justin
was nowhere to be found.
     Nick convulsed and tossed and turned in his sleep. The reciever nearly
fell off of the phone dolly. His eyes tensed and relaxed and twittered
uncontrollably as the dream moved on. He now saw himself in a very very long
limosuine and there was a blank figure sitting on the other side. He felt
apprehension but anticipation all at the same time. He couldn't see past the
seat in front of him so he tried to get around it. There was a great pressure
on his chest that was pushing him back. A long ringing sound shattered his
sight. A bright white light barricaded all around him. He shielded his face
and the ringing continued.
     He suddenly woke up and realized it was only the telephone. He took a
moment to breathe and get his bearings. He moved the pillow away from the
head of the bed and found the phone. Nick picked it up slowly. "Hello..."


==============================================================================

       I promise to have a longer one next time. I wanted to start things off
before I got into anything heavy. It's a technique. You can't expect them all
to be gems! :) Let me know what I am doing wrong and what you like! I am
Kevin at BrwyDevil@aol.com. Contact me!