Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 17:53:19 PST
From: Jason Clarke <jaclarke@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan and Lance - Part 8

This story involves members of the bands NSYNC.  I am in no way implying
anything about the sexuality of any of their members.  This is purely a
fictional story.  Enjoy!

Please send any comments and/or suggestions to jaclarke@hotmail.com (ICQ
#7964029)

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Ryan and Lance - Part 8

Lance dried his eyes with his hands quickly and stood up from where he was.
Ryan walked closer to Lance and there was concern in his eyes.  "Tell me
what's wrong, Lance."

"Nothing...it wasn't anything.  I've just been too stressed out lately.
I'll be fine."

Ryan knew Lance was hiding something, but seeing how fragile Lance was at
this point, he decided not to pursue the matter.  "Well, if you ever want
to talk, you know I'll be there to listen."

Lance nodded and smiled weakly.  "Thanks."

"No problem.  Come on, we should get home now."

They got back home fifteen minutes later.  Lance immediately went upstairs
to his room and locked himself inside.  Ryan sighed.  This was a completely
different side of Lance that he had witnessed tonight.  He was no longer
the confident, optimistic young man that he met only days ago.  Instead,
there were signs of despair, sorrow, and pain written all over his face.

Several minutes later, the doorbell rang and JC and the other guys were at
the door.  "You found him?" JC asked anxiously.

"Yeah, he's upstairs."

"And?"

"He didn't want to talk."

"Why?"

"I don't know.  I don't think now's the best time to get him to talk."

"He's sleeping?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Well, okay.  We'll ask him once he feels better.  Keep an eye on him,
okay?"

"Definitely."

"Thanks, Ryan."

"No problem.  It's the least I can do."

The guys left reluctantly but they knew that staying wouldn't do much good.
Everyone was silent on the way back to Justin's house, until Chris spoke
up.  "Damn it! What's wrong with Scoop?  Everything's all messed up now!"

JC, who up to now was concentrating on driving, abruptly stopped the car,
surprising everyone.  He turned around and glared at Chris.  "I've just
about had enough of you and your outbursts, Chris.  Dammit, what do you
have against Lance??"

"Hey, why are you so pissed?" Chris asked with surprise.

"Fuck, Chris.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Is it Lance's fault that
he's depressed?  Ever thought that maybe it's us who's been neglecting
him?"

"Us?  Neglecting him?  You've got to be kidding!" Chris jeered.  "He's not
a baby, you know.  He doesn't need our attention 24/7."

"We forgot his birthday," Justin whispered, his voice cracking.  "We even
forgot his birthday," he repeated more loudly.

Joey stared out the window.  Despite speaking so softly, Justin's words
were almost like a damning condemnation of everyone in the car.

"Well, we did leave the club early to go to his place, you know," Chris
defended.

"Dammnit!" Justin suddenly shouted.  "We fucking forgot his birthday,
Chris!!!  Ryan hasn't even known him for a week and he remembered!!"
Justin's fury was totally unexpected.  "What kind of friends are we??"

Joey was silent.  Deep down he knew Justin was right.  They had let Lance
down...again.  Chris also remained silent, as did JC.  Justin stared at the
sky, his sobs echoing in the silent car.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Ryan took a quick shower and headed off to bed.  As he passed by Lance's
room, he could hear muffled sobs coming from inside.  He gently opened the
door and walked inside.  He could see Lance's face buried in his pillow,
his body shaking from the sobs.  Ryan sat on Lance's bed and placed his
hands on the singer's shoulders.

Immediately, Lance held Ryan tightly and began sobbing uncontrollably.  It
was like the floodgate was opened and Lance's pain poured out like a
torrent.  The sounds of Lance's sobs were so filled with pain that they
sent shivers up Ryan's spine.  He felt a lump in his throat, and a knot in
his stomach.  His eyes welled up and he could feel himself on the verge of
crying.

"I can't go on anymore...I just can't," Lance finally said, his tears still
flowing unabated.  "I just can't..." his voice trailed off.

"Lance, please tell me what's wrong?  Let me help you..."

"You can't, Ryan.  No one can help me..."

"You don't know that, Lance.  At least let me share your pain with you."

Lance struggled to get his sobbing under control.  "I can't go on
pretending that nothing's going on anymore."

Ryan couldn't understand what Lance was talking about, but he had a feeling
that Lance was about to reveal a very personal side of him.  He only held
Lance tightly, trying to give him the courage to continue.

"Everyone says that NSYNC is so tight, like brothers.  That's such a
fucking lie!!"

Those final words stunned Ryan.  He totally didn't expect the conversation
to head in this direction.

"Chris hates me...he hates me!!" Lance continued, his deep voice trembling.

Ryan struggled for words, but he couldn't find anything to say.  "Are you
sure?" was all he could manage.

"I know, Ryan.  He hates me...he's hated me ever since day one."  Lance
regained control of his emotions and continued.

"I...don't get it.  You guys seem so happy together..."

"When I first joined the group, I felt like an outsider 'cause the four of
them knew each other and I was the only one who didn't know any of them.
Justin and I bonded really well 'cause we were the same age and stuff.  JC
was cool and he really helped me out.  And Joey...everyone gets along with
Joey..." Lance paused and his eyes seemed to be drifting away as he
recalled the not-so-distant past.  "For a while, I roomed with Chris while
we were on the road.  In all that time, he never talked to me unless he
absolutely had to.  At first, I thought it was because I was so shy and
stuff.  But even after I took the initiative to talk with him, I caught the
same, cold response."

Ryan did not interrupt Lance, but he was amazed at the singer's
revelations.

"After a while, things got a little better and we actually talked once in a
while.  I got to know the other guys really well and the group really came
together.  We always joked and teased each other.  I got made fun of the
most, 'cause I guess I was an easy target.  I didn't really mind most of
the time since I knew the guys didn't mean anything they said.  But each
time Chris made a joke, it was like there was a sting to his words." Lance
got up from the bed and starting walking around his room.  "At first, I
thought it was just from me being paranoid or oversensitive.  But on
several occasions I caught JC or Joey chastising Chris about his teasing.
But his dislike towards me continued and after a while, the rest of the
guys just let it happen..."

"I...had no idea, Lance.  I don't know what to say."

"Every time we were in the public eye, I had to pretend that everything was
fine when it was not the case.  It hurts, you know...because everyone knew
what was going on, but none of them ever said anything...nothing!!" Lance's
voice began to choke and tears reemerged.  "They just let it happen...maybe
because Chris was the one who started the group and they didn't want to
upset him...I don't know...but they could've at least spoken to me in
private..."

"They didn't say anything?  Nothing at all?"

"Nope.  They all pretended nothing was going on and that we were all
getting along so well.  I guess, in time, they just convinced themselves
that all was well.  I tried...I really tried to make Chris change his
feelings towards me.  Anything he wanted to get done, I'd do it for him.
Whether it was running errands or getting him lunch, I'd do it.  But no
matter how hard I tried, nothing changed.  In fact, I think things actually
got worse.  I resigned myself to being Chris' errand boy.  To me, it was
the only way to keep him from kicking me out of the group."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, back in the car...

"What do you have against Lance?" JC finally asked.

"I don't even know what you're talking about, JC.  Where's all this coming
from?" Chris replied defensively.

"You know what I mean, Chris."

"We're not blind, Chris," Joey added.  "We can see how you treat Lance."

"You guys are crazy!  I've got nothing against Lance.  The guy's just
oversensitive."

"What about the way you always make fun of him?" Justin shot at Chris.

"We all do that to each other!" Chris replied.  "I can't believe you guys!
You make fun of him more than I do..."

"Yeah, but your teasing always has this sting to it...it's almost as if you
mean what you say..." Justin said flatly.

"Fuck, why the hell are we tearing each other apart over him?" Chris
replied angrily.  "How long have we known each other?  Lance was and will
always be the outsider of the group.  Can't you see that?  The only reason
he's here is because we needed to fill a void!!"

Justin's head shot up and he glared at Chris.  "I can't fucking believe you
just said that!  Lance is NO fucking outsider.  He's as much part of NSYNC
as you or me...you hear me???"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Back at the house...

"Oh Lance," Ryan's heart was aching as he heard Lance's story, "I'm so
sorry..." He glanced over at Lance's desk and immediately, a photo caught
his attention.  "Where have I seen him before?" he thought to himself.  "At
the club!!" Ryan glanced over at Lance, who by now was sitting by his desk.
He hesitated for a few seconds, wondering whether to ask Lance about the
photo or not.  "Lance, who was that guy at the club?"

Lance's face lost all its colour and his green eyes took on a look of
terror.  He began trembling and his mind was racing.  Sensing this change
in Lance's behaviour, Ryan realized that it was a bad idea to ask about the
photo, but it was too late.  "No...I'm going to lose everything if I say
anything," he mumbled to himself.  As he became increasingly agitated and
incoherent, Ryan rushed over to the where Lance was sitting and attempted
to calm him down.  Despite his best efforts, success eluded Ryan.  Lance
slipped back into his emotionally fragile state and his tearful sobs
returned.  He buried his face in his hands and his body continued shaking.
"Why?  Why me??"

By now, Ryan knew he had treaded into very dangerous territory.  However,
there was no turning back now.  He desperately wanted to help Lance, but
doing so would require him to prod deeper into Lance's inner secrets.
After a moment of debate, Ryan decided to keep pushing ahead.  "Lance, tell
me what's wrong...let me help you..."

"NO!!  I don't want to lose everything...I'll lose everything!!!" Lance was
becoming hysterical, almost as if he was possessed.  Lance's behaviour was
scaring Ryan, but he knew that he could not back down now.

"What is it, Lance?  What could be so horrible??  I'm going to stick by you
no matter what...just tell me, Lance!"

"You'll hate me if you ever found out...the whole world would hate me..."

"That's not true!!  Nothing could ever make me hate you!!" Only after those
words did Ryan realize that he may have let his feelings for Lance slip.
He desperately hoped that Lance did not catch that slip of the tongue.

With a cry of agony, Lance finally unlocked the secret that he has
struggled to hide for so many years.  "I'm gay, Ryan..."


...to be continued....

Hope you enjoyed this segment.  Let me know what you think!!

As always, I'd love to hear any comments/ideas/questions.  Please e-mail me
at jaclarke@hotmail.com (ICQ #7964029)