Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 16:18:37 PDT
From: Joshua Taylor <joshtay31@hotmail.com>
Subject: Separate Lives

Hello everyone, and welcome to the warped, twisted little world that is
my mind.  Here we go:  this is my first effort...yadda, yadda, yadda.  Get
on with the story!  Okay, well, here it is.  *Yet another* Brian Littrell
story.  Well, yeah, this is, but just give it a chance.  This story is
really prologue.  It gets a lot better later on.  It won't be just
another Brian story.  I promise you that...not when I get done with it...
Oh, and there's no sex, so if that's what you want, there are plenty of
other stories that have it.

The setting is fictional, also.  It's easier for me to create a place than
to talk about the one in which I live.

This is a work of fiction, and in no way does it intend to insinuate
anything about the sexualities of the persons mentioned herein.

Legal stuff: if you're not eighteen, or old enough to be reading this
according to the laws of your state, am-scray.  If you're offended by
relationships between consenting adult males, then why the hell are you
here?


Separate Lives
Part I
By Chris

In the present...

It's sometime around dusk.  Brian and I are ambling along the shoreline
hand-in-hand, basking in the warmth of the evening sun.  A slight breeze
ripples the air around us, as we move together, oblivious to anything
but each other.  With the exception of our soft footsteps in the sand
and the breeze, the beach is utterly silent, and there is no one around.
We could be the only two people on the face of the earth.

Inhaling deeply, Brian turns his startling blue eyes my way.  He smiles
in his heart-stoppingly sweet way and squeezes my hand without comment.
A golden nimbus surrounds his head from the waning sun in a moment of
almost ethereal beauty.  An angel.  My angel.

"Such a beautiful day," he murmurs, aware, like me, of the beauty of our
place and time.

"Yes," I agree softly.  "And just think, love, we have our whole lives
to take walks like these."  Absently I play with the gold band on my
left ring finger and glance at the match on Brian's finger.

"I know," he says.  The breeze ruffles his hair and I struggle against
the suddenly overwhelming urge to take him right there in the sand.
It's a little lighter now-his hair, that is-and longer.  The last of the
sun glints off of it and he looks like a cherub.  He's gorgeous and...he's
mine.

"Want to sit for a while?" I ask.

"Sure," he answers with a shrug.  "Any way you like it."  His mood is
unusually subdued this evening.  No jokes or off-the-wall comedy; no
funny voices to make me smile.  It's just the real Brian: the one under
the comedic mask, the one that only comes out when he's thinking deeply
or troubled.

"You all right?" I ask as I recline in the still warm sand.

"Hmm?"  Brian's sitting with his hands extended behind him, leaning back
on them with his legs stretched out in front of him.  He's wearing a
blue and white University of Kentucky T-shirt, jean shorts, and a pair
of Nike sandals...good enough to eat, let me tell you.  But his face is
distant, thoughtful.

"You seem a little out of it tonight," I remark idly once I have his
attention.

"I'm just thinking," he says, barely audible.  "I was thinking about
when we met."

"How come?"

"I don't know.  I was thinking about how much I wanted you that first
day.  God, I'd never felt that way before."  He smiles then, but his
eyes remain thoughtful.

I nod in agreement and return the smile.  "I felt the same way.  Just
like a bolt out of the blue."  There is a long silence between us.  Like
my lover, my best friend, my soulmate, I begin to reflect on that first
meeting, and eventually drift.

*In the past*...

I remember that I won the concert tickets when, by a stroke of fate, I
walked into the gas station when I did.  Our local radio station, the
big one in town, had set up shop there and I was just the right person
at the right time.  No, I didn't plan it, just walked in.  They asked me
three questions about the Backstreet Boys (questions those of us who
weren't really fans knew anyway), all of which I managed to answer.
Although I wasn't a fan, my best friend was and he talked about them
constantly.

When they offered the meet-and-greet passes, I jumped at the chance.  It
meant that I'd have to risk my tickets, tickets to a show that had sold
out within a few minutes, but it was a chance I was willing to take for
David's sake.  The truth was, I had nothing at all to lose because it
wouldn't bother me to lose the tickets.  But I figured I owed it to
David to win those tickets for him.

Oh, like I keep saying, I wasn't a fan, but I knew the group fairly
well.  You don't have a best friend who spends every waking moment
either watching, listening to, or talking about them and not pick up
anything.  Truth to tell, I thought Brian Littrell was kind of cute and
I liked the sound of his voice, although I didn't much care for that
genre of music.

So, they asked me a question: name all five in order from oldest to
youngest, give the ages, and say where each was from.  David would have
shot me if I'd missed that one, which, I didn't.  I won the stupid
passes and walked out with them, the tickets, and a lame excuse; that
being that I would take my girlfriend with me.  Only two things wrong
with that: first, David wasn't a girl, and two, I didn't have a
girlfriend.

If you haven't guessed by now, (and I really don't know how you could)
I'll clarify.  My name (if you care) is Josh Taylor.  When I won the
tickets, I was single, and also gay.  I lived in a town in Arizona
called Blackstone, which was about half the size of Phoenix, where I
attended the local university.  And David?  How does he figure into
this?  At one time, a year or two before, he and I had been an item, but
no longer.  We were good friends and content to leave it at that.

Anyway, the concert was scheduled for the 21st of September, which
happened to be his birthday, so I went over to his house on the day of
his birthday, about two days after I won the tickets.  He was alone and
pouting because he didn't get any tickets to the show.  I didn't tell
him, of course, that I had tickets.

"Hey," I said, as I walked in and threw myself down on his couch.  It
was about four, and I was going to take him out for dinner before
surprising him with the tickets.  "Happy birthday, D-mon," I teased.

"Thanks," he said with a smile.  He was 6'2" tall (way taller than me.
I'm only 5'3"), lean, and nice-looking, if not extraordinarily handsome.
His face was quiet, had straight and even features, with fuzzy dark
brown hair.  The expression he habitually wore on his face reminded me
of someone who is desperately trying to remember something and is
failing miserably.  Only when he smiled, a slightly crooked, but
entirely endearing smile, did his expression change.  There was a
guileless quality in his jade green eyes, something innocent in his
face, and quite charming when he smiled.

"So," I said quite casually, "what are you doing this afternoon?"

"Lamenting," he sighed.  "I wish I could go to that concert."

"I'm sorry," I tried to console him.  "Well, get dressed, friend David.
I'm taking you out to dinner tonight for your birthday gift.  And if you
want to do something afterward, we can do it."

His eyes lit up.  "Why Josh, are you suggesting that we do it tonight?
I thought we weren't going together anymore."

"You pervert," I said with a chuckle.  "That's not what I meant."  I was
suddenly feeling playful.  "Although...in a little while, you may wish you
could."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll see.  Hurry up."

"Dress code?"

"Something nice.  Not too fancy, but not too casual."

Five minutes later, he was dressed and groomed.  "How's this?" he asked,
as he twirled around in his navy Dockers and light blue dress shirt.

"Perfect," I answered.  I was dressed in a pair of black Dockers,
myself, and a sapphire blue silk dress shirt that was about the same
color as my eyes.  I had been told time and time again that it really
made my eyes stand out, so I figured it couldn't be that bad.  Besides,
the Dockers were the same color as my hair, so it all worked.

"Where are we going?" David asked as we headed to the car.

"It's a surprise," I answered as I drove down to his favorite
restaurant: The Outback Steakhouse.  It wasn't really one of my
favorites, but this day wasn't about me.  Besides, David deserved it.

When we got in, he looked happy.  "My favorite place," he sighed as we
sat in a window booth.  "You sure do know how to cheer a guy up."

"On that note," I said, reaching into my back pocket for his birthday
card.  "Happy birthday."

He took the card out of the envelope.  "Hmm...there's something in here,"
he remarked as he read the cover.  I'd stuck the ticket and the pass
inside, so when he opened it, he could do little but stare in wonder.
He looked up at me, and back down at the card, as if he couldn't quite
believe it.

"J-Josh," he stammered breathlessly, "this...it-it's a ticket t-to the
Backstreet Boys' concert!"

"Read the row."

He did.  "Front row?!" he exclaimed.  "You got me a front row ticket?"
His eyes widened when he caught sight of the other part.  "A meet-and-
greet pass?  I...I'm getting to meet them?  Tonight?"

"You and about twenty others.  These were very limited.  Or so I hear,"
I said with studied casualness.  Inside, I was laughing warmly at my
friend's total amazement.

"Am I going alone?" he asked.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my own ticket and pass.  "We
come as a set," I answered.  "I won these a couple of days ago because
I've picked up so much trivia about them from you, so I figured I'd take
you.  Besides that, it's your birthday, so here you go."

"Wow!  Thank you so much, Josh."

"Think nothing of it."

He grinned.  "I'll bet you really don't want to go, though.  This kind
of music just isn't your bag."

"It's no big deal.  Besides, I think Brian is pretty good-looking."  I
winked and cut into my little T-bone steak, which was slightly tough,
but really not too bad.  We finished the meal and I paid.  It was about
ten to six then.  "Concert starts at eight," I said, as we walked out to
my car.  "This meet-and-greet thing starts at six-thirty, and it's going
on for about forty-five minutes, since not too many people are going to
be there."

"Well, it's almost six, right now," David said with a glance at his
watch.  "Let's head on over there and just hang for a bit."

"Whatever you want, my friend."

"You were right, you know, when you said that earlier."

"Said what?"

"You said I'd want to do you because of this.  Man, you were right."  He
started to reach over and touch my knee.

My eyes narrowed with a bit of annoyance as I pushed his hand away.  "No
you don't.  David, I'm sorry but...no."

"I wasn't offering, dummy," David answered, sulking.  He pouted for just
a minute before his good cheer was restored.  "Aw, come on, Josh, why
not?"

He was teasing me.  "'Cause you aren't my type," I teased right back.
"Besides that, we're better when we're friends.  You know that as well
as I do."

"Okay, okay," he sighed melodramatically.  He dissolved into giggles.
"I can't wait to meet them.  This is the best gift anyone's ever given
me, you know.  I don't know how to thank you.  Or if I'll even have
time.  When are you leaving?"

"Mm...about a month from now."  I was leaving college toward the end of
October.  I'd gotten into a special program that allowed me to graduate
when I fulfilled all of the requirements for my major, which was music
education.  I'd graduate and then try to find a job somewhere, even
though school was in session.  I had a few prospects already and one
that looked promising.

"I don't want you to go," David said, as we arrived at the Center.
"Jesus!" He exclaimed as he looked over the crowd.  The Center could
hold roughly twenty-five thousand people and it looked like there was at
least half that number milling around outside.  Mostly, they were girls;
little girls.  "Wonderful.  I bet half of these girls have passes to
meet them.  I'll never get to meet A.J."  A.J. was, of course, David's
favorite.

"Take it easy," I said.  We got out of the car and almost immediately, I
saw a few of our friends.  For the next fifteen minutes, David and I
stood around talking to them.  At six-twenty, we made our way up to the
entrance and flashed our passes at a beefy security guard who
scrutinized them closely until he was satisfied.  He gave us the passes
back and waved us through, but stopped a group of girls who tried to
follow.  We had to show our passes once more to another big guard before
being let into a fairly large room off the main stage.

We weren't alone there.  About twenty-five girls stood in sweaty knots
of three or four chattering in that wild, excited way young girls did
when nervous.  A few of them held hand-lettered signs that declared
which one was her favorite (Nick and Kevin, primarily), and two had
signs saying that the girl loved them all.  It was kind of unusual, I
observed, as David and I stood to the rear of the group, to see how
these girls were dressed.  Almost all of them were wearing some brand of
BSB shirt and baggy jeans.  Only four or five weren't wearing BSB
shirts, and two of those had tube tops that showed off their budding
breasts (that's being generous, mind).  It appeared that David and I
were the oldest by quite a bit.  We garnered quite a few curious stares
from the young women (and several double-takes).

David didn't say anything for a while.  He, like me, concentrated on the
group around us and he sighed.  His eyes were troubled as he turned to
me, clearing his throat to get my attention.  "You know, not to put a
damper on the mood here, but you should have told me that you were
depressed earlier, Josh.  I could have helped.  I won't abandon you, and
you know that."

I shrugged uncomfortably.  There wasn't much I could say, so I adjusted
my shirt cuffs instead.  He was talking about something that had
happened a short while ago, and I was quite puzzled as to why he had
brought it up then of all times.  "Thanks, but why are you worrying
about this now?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about music, and it that just popped into my
head.  I remember...Jeff, I think, telling me about it and wondering why
you never talked to me.  But I remembered you and your music.  I guess I
should just be glad you found a constructive outlet."

I started to answer, but was quite suddenly cut off by a chorus of
screams.  My gaze instinctively flicked over to the door before I looked
toward the front of the crowd.  As I said earlier, I'm not very tall,
just 5'3", so it wasn't easy to see over the girls.  But two girls moved
at just the right time, and I found that I could see just fine from the
side.  All five of the Backstreet Boys had come into the room, escorted
by their usual battery of security, although for this small of a crowd,
it wasn't necessary.

They stood at the front of the room in this order: Nick, and to his
left, Howie, then Kevin, then Brian, and lastly, A.J.  Nick and Kevin
both wore khaki cargo pants and T-shirts (Nick's white, and Kevin's
blue), Howie and A.J. wore darker colored pants with light T-shirts
(white and gray, respectively), and Brian wore blue jeans and a royal
blue T-shirt.  They looked over the crowd with only the slightest hint
of unease, and then Nick caught my eye and grinned.  He nudged Howie,
who tapped Kevin.  Brian and A.J. were already looking in our direction.
A few of the girls craned their heads to see what they were looking at.
I'm pretty shy, so the attention made me nervous.  But the girls started
pushing, so much to my surprise, the Boys dispersed.  I expected them to
just sit up front signing autographs, but instead, they went to the
girls.

David went over to find A.J., but I hung out at the back of the room,
leaning up against the wall and just watching.  I kept an eye on David,
but also watched each of the five Boys.  They all had about five girls
at a time hanging around them, and none seemed to mind.  That went on
for about fifteen minutes.  At one point, I turned to glance out the
door, and when I looked back around, Brian Littrell had quite literally
come from out of nowhere.  I jumped, mildly startled.

"Uh, hello," he said quietly with slightly rueful smile.  "I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to startle you."

"That's all right," I replied, returning the smile.  I was struck by how
handsome he was.  Mostly, it was his intensely vivid blue eyes that kept
and held my attention.

"I'm Brian," he said, extending his hand.

I shook it.  "Josh Taylor.  Nice to meet you."  I glanced in David's
direction for just a moment, to catch him staring at us.  I flashed him
a quick grin before turning my attention to Brian.

 "I've seen you standing here on the outside since we got out here, so I
figured I'd just come over and meet you.  This is a meet-and-greet
session after all."  He grinned wryly.  "It's not often that we have
guys come backstage.  Mostly these meet-and-greets and filled with
little girls like these."

"Well," I shrugged, "they're the ones who buy your music and your stuff,
so why shouldn't they be the ones to come?"  That last came out with a
smile.

"Let me guess.  Your girlfriend dragged you down here."  He looked
slightly disappointed.

"Mm...to do that I would have to have a girlfriend, and since I don't, the
answer is no.  I'm here with my friend David, who is...a big fan."

"Are you a fan?"

I shook my head slowly.  "Not really.  But, I don't mind your kind of
music.  It's just not my cup of tea.  Frankly, I respect you all for
your integrity, even if I don't listen to your music.  I imagine it
isn't easy to hear all the people criticize you day in and day out, and
then go out and do what you do all the time.  Of course, it doesn't
really matter what the critics say as long as you believe in what you
do."  I smiled with humor.  "I'm a little surprised that you haven't
just said 'screw it' and walked away from it all.  I mean, it's not
easy.  Being a musician myself, I know that much about it.  If it was
easy, everyone could do it."

Brian's smile widened.  "I wish more people thought that way.  Maybe
then, they'd leave us alone.  We do believe in what we do, you know.
And it does get tiring to hear people say it's not real."

"Oh, it's real enough," I said.  "All music is real, be it rap, pop,
jazz or rock 'n roll.  This is your music, and it doesn't matter what
anyone else says.  I mean, look at this following."  I gestured to the
crowd.  "This speaks for itself, don't you think?  Yeah, maybe they're
not all interested in your music, but they're here.  That says
something.  It says that you're doing something right."

"Are you sure you're not a fan?"

"Mm-hmm.  I'm just someone who's observed a lot about music."

"Oh.  Well, it's nice to know that there are some people who aren't fans
who can still respect us."  He sighed and glanced over at his shoulder.
Several girls stood a few paces behind him, not quite daring to
interrupt, but glaring at me.  "Oh boy," he muttered for my ears only.
"God, I can't even get one decent conversation started before they show
up.  Say, the guys are planning to go out after the show tonight.  I'm
not, but I'd like to have a tour of this town.  We've never been here
before, and I kind of like it.  Care to show me around?"

I shrugged.  "Why not?  Just me?"

"If you can.  If not, that's okay, too."

"Sure."

"Okay.  Don't tell anyone, but we're staying at the Hilton.  Meet me in
the lobby after the show.  I'll try to be quick, no more than maybe half
an hour at the most."  He smiled slightly and before I could protest,
took my ticket and scribbled his name on it.  With an insolent grin, he
said, "Just because you don't like us doesn't mean you can't have this."

"I never said I didn't like you," I protested as I took the ticket back,
but he had turned around.  He threw a wry glance at me over his shoulder
as he was whisked away by the gaggle of girls.  I laughed silently to
myself and leaned back against the wall.  David wandered over just as I
got comfortable.

"What was that about?" he asked quietly, but with good humor.

"Oh, nothing," I said as nonchalantly as possible.

"Aw, come on.  You two were making me jealous.  God, I wish I could talk
to all of them like you just talked to him.  Tell me what you were
talking about."

"Hmm...nothing much.  I just told him what I thought about his music."

David's face fell.  "You didn't...didn't say anything bad did you?"

"No.  I told him that I respect what he's doing, and that as long as
they believe in what they're doing, it doesn't matter what people think.
I even went so far as to compliment him on the group's integrity."

Just then, we were interrupted by both A.J. and Kevin, who had wandered
over.  David stopped breathing, but I smiled at the pair as if I met
celebrities everyday.  I was surprised to realize that I had treated
Brian as if he were just another guy and not some superstar celebrity.
He hadn't even really affected me that way, and neither did these two,
which was surprising, given how shy I usually am.

"Hi," Kevin said.  "Brian told me we just had to come over and meet
you."  He stuck out his hand, which I shook.  "I'm Kevin."

"Nice to meet you," I said politely.  "I'm Josh Taylor, and the one
who's turning blue is David Howard."  With an impish wink to David, I
turned to A.J.  "Unless I miss my guess, you're A.J."

"Yup," A.J. grinned.  He saw David's reaction, but to his credit, took
it in stride.  "Well, I'm guessing you really aren't a fan."

"True enough," I agreed amiably.  "But as I told Brian, it's not that I
don't like your music, it's just that I don't listen to it.  I only know
you because David is such a big fan of yours."  There was a special
emphasis on the word yours meant specially for A.J., which he caught.
"By the way, how'd you know I'm not a fan?"

"Easy enough.  You were standing on the wall over here and you didn't
seem too interested in anything going on.  You weren't trying to mingle
like your friend here."  He smiled a special smile just for David, and I
thought David was going to piss his pants.

With a chuckle, I looked at Kevin and said, "I was telling Brian a
little bit ago that I'm a musician myself, and there really isn't much
that I don't like.  Yeah, maybe I don't listen to your music, but to me,
it's still as real as anything I write.  Music is music, in any form, be
it pop, rock, or whatever, and the fact that you've stayed true to what
you believe and what you're good at is quite impressive.  I think that's
really what it comes down to: not trying to do something you can't.  I
mean, look at this following.  You're doing something right.  Sure, I
bet more than a few of them are just here to see you and not listen to
the music, but the fact remains that you're awfully good at what you're
doing.  You seem to enjoy doing it, and for that, I respect you."

A.J. laughed out loud.  "Boy, oh boy, Brian was right.  I wish more of
our critics talked that way.  All we hear is that the music isn't real
because we didn't write it or because we don't play instruments.  They
don't seem to recognize that we like doing what we're good at."

"Plus," Kevin added, "like you said, we believe in this.  Maybe it isn't
the most important kind of music out there, but it's ours."

"And that's what I told Brian," I said.  "I mean, screw what critics
think.  I'd rather form my own opinions than be told what to think by
some stuffed-shirt sitting in some office, who criticizes things to
cover their own inadequacy."

Kevin, A.J., and David all burst out laughing at the same time, and
everyone stopped and looked over at the four of us.  "Nice to know
someone can think for themselves," A.J. remarked.  He lowered his voice
a bit.  "Say, we're going clubbing after the show tonight.  Think you
can show us the good clubs?"

"Mm...sorry, but I can't.  I'm, uh, I'm meeting someone after the show
tonight."  David looked at me in unfeigned surprise, and I continued,
"David's really the party animal and he knows the local hot spots better
than I do.  I'm sure he'd be happy to show you around, being that it's
his birthday."

The look of gratitude in David's eyes was worth more than anything he'd
ever given me.  "I-I'd love to," he stammered happily.  "I mean, it's no
trouble."

"Okay," Kevin nodded to A.J.  "Happy birthday, David."

"Yeah, man," A.J. agreed.  "Happy birthday.  Too bad Josh can't come.
We'd have a great time.  David, go around back after the show and we'll
find you."

David grinned and flashed me a puzzled look before answering, "Thanks.
Well, Josh has done plenty for me today.  I got dinner at my favorite
restaurant plus the surprise of the pass and ticket in my birthday card
about two hours ago."

"How nice," Kevin said.  "And you decided to come with, huh?"

"Mm-hmm," I affirmed.  Around us, the girls had gathered again, and most
wore jealous expressions.  "Well, it was nice talking to you, but I
think there are a few people who'd like just a moment of your time."

A.J. and Kevin turned and left us alone.  David glanced at me out of the
corner of his eye and said, "So give.  What's this previous engagement
you have going on after the show tonight?"

I didn't want David to know.  "It's...well, it's...not something I really
want to talk about.  I, uh, I met someone earlier today and we're going
out a little later.  Besides, even if I weren't busy, I probably
wouldn't go.  You wanted a chance to meet them, and you'll get your
chance tonight.  It doesn't really feel right for me to come."

"But they like you.  You really ought to come."

"No, no."  I already had something kind of cool to do.  I was going to
show someone I just met around town and maybe do something else.  My
impression of Brian was favorable.  He seemed pretty easy-going and had
a good sense of humor, and he was pretty bright from what I could tell.
I found myself drawn to those intense blue eyes.

"If you're not going, at least tell me who you're going out with later."

"David," I said testily, "I said no.  Leave it alone, okay?  It's none
of your business, so just back off."

"Well, saw-ry.  No need to get pissy," he said, acting injured.

That grating tone irritated the hell out of me, but I forced a smile and
tried to keep the anger out of my face.  This was the biggest reason I'd
dumped him: the aggravating, patronizing tone of voice he always used
with me.  "You know that I don't like it when you badger me like that.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll tell you."

That seemed to content him, so he shut up.  Not long afterward, the Boys
had to leave to get ready for the show, so with one last group farewell,
they took off.  David and I headed out of the room and out onto the
floor.  We had to show our tickets to several people before we were
allowed down there, but once we got there, we were less than ten feet in
front of the stage.  That meant we'd have a great view of everything
onstage.

It was about seven-thirty, and already the Center was packed.  Almost
everyone there was female, and most were under twenty.  As in the meet-
and-greet session, quite a few had signs proclaiming love for the group,
or the one favorite of the particular girl.  They were really kind of
cute, such young, lovesick girls.  I thought with amusement that if any
of them knew what I was going to do after the show, they'd do me injury
out of jealousy.  Fortunately, neither David nor I were in much of a
conversing mood.

At precisely eight, the house lights dimmed and the group's opening act
(I forget the name, stupid me) came out for a short set that was
actually quite good.  It was another boy group, but these guys looked a
lot younger and were far less polished than their older counterparts.
At around nine, after a fifteen minute intermission, the houselights
darkened again and, in flashes of light and smoke, out came the
Backstreet Boys, singing the opening to "Larger than Life."

Even though I wasn't much of a fan, I had to admit that I was impressed
by the quality of the show they put on.  They all had incredible amounts
of energy and moved as if they could do it forever.  In the middle of
the show, this thought occurred to me and I was struck by how *alive* they
were; how sure and strong.  In that moment, as they danced and sang in
their assortment of khaki shirts and pants, I saw them as more than
merely performers.  I saw them as almost divine figures: not angels, but
as something close.

The show was superb.  All were on their game, as they went through older
songs like "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)," "I'll Never Break Your
Heart," and the like, and also went through the stuff on the new album.
On the song "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely," I thought (as did
David) that Brian's voice was outstanding.  He sang with such passion
that it moved a few of the young ladies to tears.  David remarked to me
that A.J. and Brian both seemed to be on top of the world.  They sang
with more passion than he'd ever seen.

For many of the songs ("All I Have to Give," "As Long as You Love Me,"
"The One," "It's Gotta Be You") they danced with their dancers, dress
changing from silk suits of varying colors to the khakis they eventually
ended up in.  Even though the harmonies were off a little, they were
still fantastic, and I found myself into the music.  David was into it
to the point where he was dancing right along with all of the girls, and
singing with all of the slower songs.  At the end, they took their bows
and walked off stage, amid thunderous applause.

"So, what'd you think?" David asked, after the show had ended, as we
walked off the floor.  "Like it?"

"Actually, I did," I said.  "The show was great."

He seemed shocked.  "You thought so?"

"Mm-hmm.  I enjoyed it a lot."

"Really?"

"Yes," I said with a slight hint of annoyance.  "I really did.  It was
an impressive show.  Promise.  I'm glad I came."

"Cool."  He sighed.  "Sure you don't want to come out tonight?"

"I'm sure.  I told you that I'm meeting someone tonight, in about half
an hour.  I don't know what we're going to be doing, but I'm looking
forward to it."  I grinned and winked impishly at him.  "Like I said
before, if you're good, I may tell you who tomorrow."

"Well, can you just answer two questions?"

"No guarantees, but you can ask."

"Okay, is it a guy?"

A safe enough question.  "Yes."

"Is he gay?"

Brian gay?  I doubted it.  "No, I don't think so."

"Oh.  Well, that's okay, I guess."  David looked and sounded relieved.

"I'm glad I have your permission, Dad," I said wryly.  "Jealous?"

"Mm...should I be?"

"No.  I guess not."  I smiled and patted him on the shoulder.  "So,
what'd you think?"

His face lit up.  "That was the most awesome show I have ever seen.
God, I was practically drowning in my own drool.  Those guys were hot
and soooo talented."

"They are that...when they're on key.  Did you notice that on, uh, "I Want
It That Way," I think it was, that Nick and Howie were both kind of off?
That happened in a lot of those songs.  I mean, not to complain, but
Howie's voice is almost too high to be any good.  It really plays hell
with the harmonies."

David shrugged.  "I suppose so, but he's still got a good voice."

"Oh yeah," I agreed quickly.  "It's just that when they're doing live
shows, it would be better if he'd stick to a lower harmony.  I agree
wholly that he's got an excellent voice.  They all do, but they could
probably work together better."

David couldn't resist some gentle teasing.  "I suppose if you were
directing them, you could do better?"
"Matter of fact," I mused thoughtfully, only half-joking.  "Well,
anyway, I should get going.  Happy birthday, though."

"Why thank you.  And thank you for the awesome tickets.  I could not
have asked for a better birthday.  Somehow I knew you'd brighten the day
for me."  He reached over and hugged me before stepping away.   "Well,
go have a good time.  Please tell me who it was tomorrow, okay?"

I shrugged and walked toward my car.  I didn't think I'd ever tell David
who I was going to go out with tonight.  The prospect of going out,
though, was quite appealing, although I wasn't entirely sure what I'd
show him.  Blackstone wasn't really a huge town and it didn't have a
whole lot of attractions.  Just your typical middle-sized city.

I got to the Hilton and took a seat as inconspicuously as possible.
Already there were groups of girls hanging around outside, presumably
hoping to catch a glimpse of the Boys as they headed up to their rooms.
I sighed and prayed that Brian would come incognito or else we'd never
get out of here.  As I sat in my chair with a newspaper in hand, I
glanced up occasionally to see more and more girls come to the hotel's
front doors.  *Wonderful,* I thought.

About twenty minutes after I got there, a young man dressed casually in
blue jeans, a white shirt under a light fall jacket, dark shades and a
baseball cap came over to where I sat.  I wouldn't have recognized him
if he hadn't spoken to me.  "Hey, Josh.  Ready?"

Startled, I looked closely at the stranger, who was Brian, of course,
and then smiled.  It was a good disguise.  "You must run into this a
lot," I commented, by way of greeting.

"Yeah," he sighed.  "About everywhere we go, somehow they find out where
we're staying."

"And yet you never lose your patience with them."  I stood up and looked
once again at the flock of young girls out front.  "Let's go out the
side.  I don't think there will be quite as many there."

"Good plan."  As we headed toward the side exit, I was proved right.
Not a single person was by that door.   "A very good plan."

"Mm," I agreed.  "So what do you want to do?"

"I don't know.  What's there to do in this town?"

"Not much."  I hit on an idea.  "Unless...do you like South Park?"

He grinned and it lit up his whole face, transforming him from merely
handsome to truly gorgeous.  It took my breath away momentarily.  "Of
course I do," he said, as if I had asked him the world's most stupid
question.

"Well, there's a kind of South Park marathon on at the Twin at twelve-
thirty tonight.  It's about an hour and a half long."

His grin widened a bit.  "I am so there, dude."

"Well, it's three unreleased episodes and then one classic."  I hadn't
seen it yet, and being a huge fan of the show, I wanted nothing more
than to go see it.

"Way cool.  What time is it now?"

I glanced at my watch.  "Twenty to midnight."

Brian looked at me with surprise as we got into my car.  "That's all?
Jeez, we got done a lot earlier than I thought."

"It was a two hour show, you know.  How you guys can do all that and
have enough energy to go out afterward is beyond me."

"We're all in good shape, for one.  Plus, we do this so much that it
doesn't take as much out of us anymore.  In the beginning, it wasn't
easy to keep up the pace everyday."  I was struck just then by his
lightly rolling accent, oddly lovely in the serene setting, as if it
fit.  *Relax,* I told myself, grateful for the darkness that hid my blush.
*This guy is only going to be here tonight.  No sense getting yourself
wrapped up in him.*  He stretched and yawned.  "Mmm...so did you like the
show?"

"Well..." I teased, "Frankly, I was a bit disappointed.  I had expected
you all to start doing a strip tease to 'Everybody.'"  Brian's jaw
dropped just a bit.  "Kidding, kidding.  No, it was a good show.  I was
impressed.  I think you may have just gotten a new fan."

"Really?"

"We'll see.  So how long are you in town?  Leaving tomorrow?"

Shaking his head, Brian glanced up out the passenger side window.  "No.
What's today?  Friday?  We're leaving Sunday morning for...Vegas, I
think."

"You're doing Vegas?"

"Or maybe Reno.  I'm never sure.  I just know it's in Nevada, and we're
playing Monday night."
"Boy," I said, "it must be tough to remember the names of all the places
you go.  I bet you never stay in any long enough to get to know it
really well.  How frustrating."

Brian chuckled and relaxed into the seat.  "Yeah, well, that's just one
of the pitfalls of being us.  Nice night."

"Sure is."

"So, where can we go to kill some time?"

"Other than the clubs, Blackstone doesn't have much to offer, I'm
afraid.  Of course, if you'd like, I could show you my outdoor retreat.
It's not far from town, but almost no one knows about it."

"Sounds good.  I'd like to forget, just for a minute, why we're here."

That statement caught me completely off-guard.  I hardly knew this guy,
but I already felt attached.  The melancholy in his voice startled me.
"So...is that why you didn't want to go clubbing?"

"Yeah," he sighed.  "That and I don't really like clubbing, either.  I
don't drink and sometimes the guys give me a hard time for it.  Besides
that, I'd rather be away from them for once.  That's another thing.
We're around each other too much and it's better if we sometimes do our
own things."  His frankness seemed to surprise even him.  From what I
understood, he was shy around people he didn't know.  But then again, I
didn't know him that well, so I'd just reserve my judgments for later.

"I know the feeling," I murmured.  "I'm not much for going out either,
and since I don't drink, I get raked over the coals all the time.  It's
not mean, necessarily, but my friends tend to get insulted when I don't
drink."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."  I shut up.  For the rest of the ten-minute drive, neither of us
said much.  I fell into my usual habit of being quiet around people I
didn't know very well.  He did the same, although I wasn't sure if that
was his normal habit.

The place I had in mind was a secluded little overhang situated on an
area just called The Bluffs.  There was an old, barely used trail that
led up to a vantage where, in the daylight, you could see over an entire
valley.  Just below, there was a waterfall, which under the pale light
from the moon, was just visible.  The rest of the view was muted.  It
was tough to make out all of the pretty scenery at night.  It had a
washed-out, almost ethereal quality.

Brian said little as we made our way up.  I knew one thing about him: he
didn't particularly like heights.  They didn't bother me too badly now,
but I remember feeling the same way when I was younger.  "It's kind of
high up," I remarked, as we approached the overhang.

"How...how high?" he asked, in a tight, strangled voice.

"About two hundred feet, but I promise it's safe.  The overhang is big
enough to hold five people, and it's not too far down from the top of
the bluff, here.  That drop is only about ten feet and there is a very
easy trail.  It's not steep or slick, so you'll be okay.  I used to be
terrified of heights too, but I'm not afraid to come here."

He seemed somewhat placated and not in the least defensive about his
fear of heights, which was surprising.  He just followed me down the
gently sloping trail, which had plenty of handholds, in any case.  A
minute later, we got down to the ledge and sat down.  The waterfall just
below ran on and on without any kind of fuss.  Brian sat down toward the
back of the ledge and looked out.

"It's nice," he remarked.  "I bet it's really pretty in the daytime."

"Sure.  You can come up tomorrow, if you want."  I grinned as I realized
what I'd just said.  And to whom.  "Mm...scratch that.  I'll bet you're
pretty busy tomorrow."

But to my surprise, he said, "No, actually, we don't have much to do
tomorrow, and I'd like to see this place in the daytime.  So...can I ask
you something?"

"Go ahead."  I was sure he was going to ask me if I was gay.

He didn't.  "Um, don't take this the wrong way, but is David gay?" he
asked almost shyly.

I chuckled.  I'd sat down next to him, and glanced over at him.  "Why?"

"Well, he just...struck me as the type when I saw him backstage.  Pardon
me for being stereotypical, but he just had an effeminate manner.  The
lisp and everything."

"He is."  I still kept my smile, but asked somewhat apprehensively,
"Does that bother you?"

"No, no," he assured me.  "Not at all.  No, that doesn't bother me."  He
was being perfectly frank again.  "So, Josh, tell me about yourself.
It's not often I get a chance to sit and talk with someone my own age.
I guess.  How old are you?"

"Twenty-four.  I was born in San Antonio, Texas, lived there until I was
five, moved to Denver, lived there 'til I was fourteen, and then moved
here.  I'm a student at Blackstone University here, an education and
music major, set to graduate in a month.  I'm hoping to become a music
teacher."  With a twinkle in my eye, I continued.  "I like to read,
write, make music.  I also like to hike, camp, play golf, basketball,
tennis, football, and baseball.  Hmmm...oh, and I like animals too.  I
have a puppy and kitty."  I said that exactly as I'd seen David do that
for a video dating service.  Same sotto voice and everything.

Brian appreciated the humor, apparently, for he burst out laughing.
"Sorry," he gasped out.  "That reminded me of a time that a friend of
mine went to one of those dating services.  You sounded just like that.
And one of the girls that follow us around."

"I should be insulted," I said with a matching grin.  "But you saw
through me.  Yeah, David did one of those once and that's what he
sounded like."

"Speaking of David, how in the world did you two get to be friends?  I
mean...you two look like two opposite extremes."

We were that, I agreed silently.  I wondered if he wouldn't be too
insulted by my being gay, if he didn't have too much of a problem with
David's being that way.  "Well, Freshman year, we were roommates," I
answered slowly.  "We didn't talk much at first, but once we finally got
over the high school attitude thing, we got along pretty well."

"Did...did he ever come on to you?"  Brian's question had been casual
enough, but there was something else underneath it.

I glanced at him sideways.  "You mean did I know he was gay then?  Sure.
He was very candid and up front from day one.  And yeah, after a while,
he did come on to me.  I don't know why, but he did."

"What happened?"

Hesitating momentarily, wondering wildly whether or not to say anything,
I stared at my hands before answering softly, "Uhm, well, at first,
I...pushed him back.  But after a while, I just let it go, and we were
lovers for two...almost two years."

Brian caught the implications immediately.  "So...so you're gay too?"
There was something I didn't like in his tone.

"Yeah," I said, trying not to be defensive.

But Brian just looked out across the pale landscape and said, "Oh."
After a moment's pause, he turned to me with a smile and asked,
"Really?"

I knew then that he didn't have a problem with it.  It sounded like he
just didn't believe it.  "Yep."

"That's a little surprising.  You don't look like the type."

"I wasn't aware there was a certain look we had."

"I'm sorry.  That was rude, wasn't it?"  He laughed a bit to cover his
embarrassment.  "No, I just meant you just seem like you'd be a ladies'
man.  I saw a lot of those girls looking at you earlier today, and they
looked like they wanted into your pants."

"Could you be any more blunt?"

"Probably."  He was starting to relax, finally, and his sense of humor
was starting to show through.  "I could say that a lot of those ten-
year-old girls looked like they wouldn't mind you taking their cherry."

"Okay, okay!" I exclaimed, but I was laughing.  "That's enough.  They're
the wrong gender for me to even find that remotely sexy."

"Hey wait," Brian said, looking at me.  "Didn't you say before you were
disappointed that we didn't do a striptease on stage?  Did you really
mean that?"

I fell back laughing so hard I couldn't see.  "Y-Yeah," I choked out.
"I w-wanted to see all of you dancing...dancing a-around in your
underwear.  Or naked.  Of course, that w-would have started r-rioting,
I'm sure."  I wondered if perhaps I had gone a bit too far with that.
Brian didn't say a word, just sat and stared at me.

After a moment's silence, he joined me and we laughed until tears came
out of our eyes.  I couldn't believe how relaxed and at ease I felt.  It
wasn't just that I was at home around Brian.  It's that before, with
almost any guy I met and liked, I got tongue-tied and couldn't really
relax until we'd been friends for a while.  Here I was, though, totally
at home and comfortable around someone I just met.  Who was a celebrity,
no less.

It was kind of odd, considering.  David, who was, as I said, a huge
Backstreet fan, was also into reading gay stories and stuff like that on
the Internet.  He told me that he occasionally went to a website that
had gay fantasy stories about celebrities and read a lot of stories
about Brian.  It was unusual, David had remarked, the number of stories
that featured Brian as the main character and as being gay, compared to
the rest of the group.  At the time, I hadn't cared.  It didn't make a
dime's worth of difference to me.  But now, thinking back on what David
had said, I wondered if maybe there was a reason for that.  Of course, I
also heard David say that he had a girlfriend.  In any case, it didn't
matter.  I was having a good time with a new friend.

I cleared my throat.  "Um...so, tell me about yourself, Brian."

"Well, okay."  He proceeded to tell me a little about his life, his
family, what he liked to do, stuff like that.  He told me in an easy,
joking manner that I imagined he used around his friends.  I learned a
lot more details about him than I'd given.  But there was a reason for
that.  At the end, he looked at me carefully and asked, "Can I trust you
with a secret, Josh?"

"Only if you want to.  I promise that I won't ever tell anyone, should
you choose to tell me."

"That's good enough.  You've heard that I have a girlfriend, right?"  I
nodded.  "Well...the truth is that...she's not really my girlfriend.
I'm...she's basically just a cover.  I'm...well...uh, I'm gay too.  Funny
thing is that no one knows about it but me and one other person."

It shouldn't have been that big of a shock, but for some reason, I felt
like someone had hit me over the head with silly putty.  "Really?
That's...that's kind of a surprise.  Why'd you tell me?  I mean, you don't
even know me very well, and in a couple of days, you're going to be
moving along, and this will have been nothing more than a stop on the
road."

"I don't know," he answered.  "I just...well, I'm surprised myself.  It's
kind of weird, but I'm just comfortable around you.  Don't ask why.  I'm
not coming onto you, either.  I bet someone like you has a hoard of
boyfriends, anyway."

*Clever,* I thought with a barely suppressed grin.  It was his indirect
way of asking if I was taken or not.  So, I just shrugged.  "No, can't
say as I have any right now.  Not that it matters, right?"

He shifted impatiently on the rocks.  "Are you saying we could never be
lovers?"

"No.  I'm just saying that with your schedule now, and the fact that
we're living two separate lives, it just wouldn't work.  I'm looking for
love, but I'm not quite ready to give up my life dreams yet.  And I'm
sure you wouldn't want to give up your music career, right?  I mean, not
when it's so huge."  I sighed.  I didn't like this conversation one bit.
"Besides, I'm sure you meet a lot of good guys out there on the road,
right?  You never know when real love may find you.  Not just some one
day fling."

"Do you know everything?" he asked suddenly, sensing, as I did that this
conversation was a bad idea.  "I mean, you have answers for everything.
And dammit, they're so right."

"I don't know everything," I sighed.  "I'm just unfortunate enough to
have been born with a really strong logical side that objectively
rationalizes everything.  Kind of like Mr. Spock, but more human.  I
call things like I see them."  With a grin, I said, "Don't get me wrong,
Brian.  I could jump into the sack with you right now and be selfish for
the next two days, but there's this thing called conscience.  I couldn't
jump into anything unless I knew it was more stable, you know.  Not just
one of those long distance relationships."

"Oh.  Hmm...what time is it?"

"Long past time for us to be getting back, I think.  We've sufficiently
alienated one another enough for one night."  I sighed again, and this
one made my heart ache.  I was lonely, badly lonely.  Despite what I'd
told Brian, I would quite willingly follow him into bed and never look
back.  Those incredible eyes stirred something in my heart that I hadn't
felt in a long time, perhaps since I was small.

Brian could see I felt really bad about what I'd said, so before we got
to the car, he laid a hand gently on my arm and said, "Look, I
appreciate your honesty, Josh.  I...I don't know how to tell you this,
exactly, but...your honesty means more to me that crawling into the sack
for a roll in the hay.  I mean, yeah, we could do it, and I think you
wouldn't mind, but *I'd* mind.  I'm in it for a long-term thing."

Somewhat taken aback by his turn of phrase, I looked into those vivid
blue eyes and smiled, "Thank you.  This...this didn't exactly turn out
like I thought it would."

"Kind of awkward, you mean?"

"Really, really awkward.  I don't know how in the world we got on the
subject of relationships, anyway.  I hardly know who you are, and you
don't know much about me.  But...can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Usually, when I'm around people I like, I tend to get embarrassed,
blushing, and tongue-tied all at the same time.  It's not like that
here, and it's kind of nice to just be able to talk to someone I don't
know without feeling like I have to be doing something or be someone
special."

Brian looked at me shrewdly.  "Are you saying most people don't get to
see the real Josh?"

Damn, he was perceptive.  "I guess so.  Thank you."

"For what?"

I just shrugged and stepped toward my door.  "Another time, another
place, maybe."

On the ride back, the subject changed.  "So you're a musician?" Brian
asked.

"Yeah, actually."

"What kind?"

"Instrumental, and a writer."

"Cool.  What instrument?"

"Instruments," I corrected.  "I play piano, primarily, then violin, sax,
trumpet, drums, guitar, some flute and a bit of the harp."

"That's impressive.  How long have you been playing them?"

"Piano, guitar, and violin since I was five, sax, trumpet since I was
ten, and the rest since I was fifteen.  I've always just loved making my
own music.  I've written about fifty songs in the last thirteen years."
I wasn't trying to brag, really, just telling Brian what I did.

He was really impressed.  "Did you ever play in a band?"

"Once, when I was sixteen, but it didn't work.  I was the only one who
was really serious about it.  Now, I teach lessons on everything but the
trumpet, harp, and drums.  I teach ten students a day for five days a
week."  That was something I was proud of.  I enjoyed working with the
kids and watching them as they went from shy, awkward little players
into good, solid players.  There was one thing I always demanded, and it
was that they practice as much as possible.  I didn't like to teach to
kids who didn't want to learn, so I demanded that they practice at least
an hour a day.  Surprisingly, almost all of them did, even the younger
kids.  I was going to miss it.

"Sounds like you have everything in order."

"I try to."

After that, the conversation turned to far less serious topics and I
began to relax again and laugh as Brian entertained me with his wide
variety of antics, ranging from an excellent Cartman voice to Jim
Carrey-esque impressions.  If I hadn't been driving, I'd have been
rolling around clutching my sides.  As it was, I had to stop for a
minute and wipe the tears out of my eyes.

"Screw music," I said, in all seriousness.  "You should have been a
comedian."

"You think so?"

"Uh-huh."  I wiped another tear out of my eye and glanced at the clock.
We had plenty of time to get to the theater.  The rest of the drive was
pretty quiet after that, but it was okay.  We'd gotten past that
uncomfortable moment back at the Bluffs.  Not for the first time, I
wondered *why* we'd had that conversation in the first place.  It was so
unusual, so not like me to be so forward with anyone.  Still...those blue
eyes, if they had offered, would have gotten me.  I'd never, in all my
life, felt so quickly fallen.  I realized with a shock and a start that
I'd fallen for him.  *Dios mio.*  What was this going to mean?

When we got to the theater, he paid for the tickets, which was cool.
Then he sprang for junk food, despite my protests.  Then we settled in
to watch, along with thirty or so others, the antics of the young South
Parkers and the many and varied ways in which young Kenny was killed.
"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"  "You bastards!"  I laughed and laughed,
and so did Brian.  By the time we got out of there, I was willing to
bet, Brian would be doing Cartman nonstop.

"Oh man, that ruled!" Brian exclaimed as we headed out.

"Yeah," I agreed pleasantly, relishing the cool night air.  The stars
were out in force, and the moon shone her pale, ghostly light down on
the quiet town.  "Kick ass!"

In his best Eric Cartman voice, just as I had predicted, Brian said,
"Mom, kitty's being a dildo!"  We both doubled over laughing so hard
tears spurted out of our eyes and we sagged against each other.  There
was nothing sexual about it.

We got to the car once we were under control, and I asked, "Do you want
me to take you back to your hotel?"

He looked at the clock and shook his head.  "Nah.  I'm not tired, unless
you need to do anything tomorrow and need to get to bed."

"No, can't say as I do.  What do you want to do?"

"Oh, I don't know.  What else can we do in this little town?"

"Well, how about we go back my house?  I can show you my music studio."
Once again, there was nothing to that suggestion but a friendly gesture.

"Okay," he said.  "I want to see how good a musician you really are."

"What?  You think I'm lying?"  I was just joking, mostly.

"No, no," he took great pains to assure me.  "I'm curious."

"Okay, then."  Once again, Brian kept me well entertained with
outrageous jokes and impressions.  It seemed to me that he was surprised
at himself for being so at ease and relaxed around me.  Sometimes he
would stop and look at me and then out the window before launching into
a new string of gut-wrenchingly funny jokes and voices.  I couldn't
remember laughing so hard in my life.  *Another time...another place,* I
thought wistfully, wishing I could have those words back.

We ended up at my house, which was situated just outside of town in a
nice neighborhood.  I lived alone in a two-story, three bedroom house
with my puppy, Max, and cat Whiskey.  The house itself was modern, new
and good-looking, white with forest green trim, shrubs along the
sidewalk that opened to my front walk, and trees dotted the front yard.
There was a fence in the back, of course, so Max, a young German
Shepherd, couldn't get out.  The studio was around back, something I had
built myself a month after I got the house.

How did I get it?  Did I rent?  No.  I owned the place.  I was not quite
wealthy, but I had plenty of money.  Besides that, I'd purchased a
fixer-upper for relatively cheap and then invested a great deal of time
and effort fixing it up.  Now it was worth almost double what I paid for
it.  So, in a month, when I left, I could get more out of it than what I
put into it.

The inside had new carpeting, done in shades mostly of light blue and
gray.  In the living room, there was no TV.  I had off-white furniture:
a couch and loveseat.  Between them was an oak-with-glass-inlay table
that was just light-colored enough to really set off the color in the
couches and floor.  There was a small end table with a black glass lamp
on it.  There were some small, neat paintings on the wall, and other
than that, the room was pretty bare and neat.

Back in the living area, there was a kitchen, done in the same colors of
pale blue and off-white, along with a peach color and light green.  I
had a new and modern kitchen, and was an okay cook.  I wouldn't swear by
my cooking because it wasn't that good.  My bedroom had a more lived-in
feel, but I kept it as neat as the rest of the house.  It had light blue
carpet, a midnight blue bedspread with dark green pillows, gray curtains
and oak furniture.  My studio, which was through the basement, was
pretty nice, done in the same tones.  I'd always liked decorating,
making a room look its best through minimal use of color and things.
Not that I ever told anyone about it.

"Do you own this place?" Brian asked, as we headed into the basement.

"Yes, I do."

"You live here alone?"

"Mm-hmm.  Sometimes my friends come over here and stay when they need a
place to crash, but mostly, it's me and Max and Whiskey.  My animals."

"Oh.  How long have you lived here?"

I thought back.  "I guess about...six years now."  I pushed open the door
to the studio and headed in.

Brian had stopped moving when I'd answered.  He stood just inside the
door, staring at me.  "Alone?  You've lived here alone for six years?"

"Yeah."  For a second, I was confused as to why he was so flabbergasted,
but then I realized how that sounded.  "Oh, my parents...died quite a
while ago, and rather than be shut in a foster home, I took off and
ended up here."  That was only partly true, but also something I didn't
want to deal with, so I let it go at that and took a seat at the piano.
It was a shiny black baby grand that sounded so wonderful and soft.  I
let my fingers find their way to the keys and played a bit of "Canon in
D" by Pachelbel.  That was one of my all time favorites.

"That's pretty," Brian remarked.  "What is it?"

"Hmm?  Oh, Canon in D."  I grinned and launched into something more
familiar.  'Show Me the Meaning' took on a life of its own on the piano.
Okay, so I had been holding back a little.  I did know their music
because David always played it when I was around, mostly, I suspected,
to annoy me.  So, since I was able to play almost anything I heard knew
how to play a lot of their music on the piano.  I was bored.  What can I
say?  Besides, that was my favorite song out of any of the ones David
liked.

When I finished, Brian looked at me with some surprise.  "Was that-?"

"Yeah," I answered with a sheepish grin and a blush.  "I told you I'm
not a fan, but the thing is that I like music, and since I've heard your
CDs so many times, it just kind of comes out like that.  I can do that
with a lot of songs."

"That was cool.  I liked it that way.  Maybe I should talk to our band
about putting piano with it next time."  He started laughing.  "I think
you've been holding out on me, Josh.  I think you're just a closet fan."

"Is that like being a closet gay?" I shot back.

"Whoa!" Brian exclaimed, sitting back with wide eyes.  "Where'd that
come from?"  He sounded slightly insulted.

"Sorry.  That was rude.  I meant to say that I'm...aw hell...I don't know."
To cover my embarrassment, I stood up and grabbed one of the guitars
from the stand close to the piano.  "You play?"

"Me?  Some."  He took the proffered guitar and ran his fingers
experimentally over the strings lengthwise before settling it into his
lap and strumming a few chords.  He played something I had never heard
before, but I liked it.  It had a simple melody, nothing flashy, but
definitely sincere.  When he finished, he looked up at me expectantly.
"Know what that was?"

"Not a clue."

"Really?  That was my song.  'That's What She Said,' although I guess it
should have been 'That's What He Said'."  He sighed.  "Me and Tommy, one
of our band, wrote that a long time ago."

"Hmm.  Can you play anything else?"

"Oh yeah.  I can play quite a bit.  I've been getting guitar lessons on
the side during down time and on the road.  Usually, A.J., Kevin, and
Howie are the party animals.  Nick used to stay in a lot, but now he
goes out more than he used to.  And me, like I told you, I don't like to
go out that much, so I spend nights playing my guitar or stuff like
that."  He smiled and looked around the room.  "This is really nice.
How can you afford this place?"

"Well, I teach lessons, for one.  That's to the tune of sixty bucks a
month per student.  I have fifty students, so that's around three grand
a month.  Plus, I have...a small nest egg."  That's all I would say on
that subject.  I knew he was dying to know more, and I wanted to tell
him, but I wasn't sure I trusted myself.  Not yet.  Probably not ever.
As much as I liked Brian as a friend, he'd be gone forever in just a
day, so there was no point in getting too emotionally wrapped up in him.

He stood up from the chair and walked over to the two computers I kept
in the studio.  Those were for the kids' use.  When one was at lesson,
another could go into the other room and use the composing software,
work on sight reading, or play some of the music games I had in there.
The kids didn't know it, but back behind the shelf with the educational
stuff were two double shelves full of computer games.  I must have had
around two hundred of them.  Kind of like my Playstation and N64 stuff.
I had around 350 games for the Playstation and around 80 for N64.

"Nice computers," he said.

"Yep.  They're pretty new.  I upgraded them a couple of weeks ago, so
they're not quite obsolete yet."  That wasn't a joke.  Unfortunately,
electronic equipment like my computers got old at a horribly alarming
rate.  "Well, that's not quite true.  The housing and monitors are both
older, but the insides have been totally replaced.  New motherboards,
Pentium chips, expanded memory, DVD on the right one.  I did that
myself."

Brian's eyebrows raised and he gave me another odd look.  "This is a
nice place.  Did you say you're leaving in a month?"

"Maybe.  I'm done with college in a month, but I may stay here until I
get a steady job somewhere."

"Bet you could get a lot out of it now."

"I imagine.  It's worth about double what I paid for it.  This place was
a wreck when I got it, but I fixed it up, added the studio myself."

Brian turned to look at me strangely.  "Is there anything you can't do?"

I pretended to think about that for a moment.  "Well, I can't do math
very well.  I got to trig and lost it.  Mm...I can't dance very well, I
don't deal with a lot of people well; I don't say what I think much.  I
don't deal with my feelings at all.  I'm shy, I don't like a lot of
people, I don't have a lot of friends."  My words picked up force as I
got to the last bit, and I was surprised by the bitterness in my voice.
"Yeah, I can make music, I can write it.  I can make things, I can build
computers, I can play a lot of instruments.  I can teach kids how to
play music.  I can do a lot of things that require solitary activity,
including jerking off."  Turning away quickly to hide the tears that had
leaked out, I waited for Brian to leave me alone.  After that barrage, I
was so sure he'd leave, just disgusted with me.

But instead, I felt a warm pair of hands on my cheeks, turning me back
so I was looking into those incredible blue eyes again.  "I'm sorry to
have upset you," Brian murmured, using his talented fingers to wipe the
tears off my cheeks.  "I just...Josh, you just keep surprising me.  I've
never met a more independent person in my life.  It startled me a bit.
That's all.  I didn't mean to hurt you."

I managed to smile a little feeling better for the contact.  If he had
asked, indeed I'd have been his.  "It's okay.  I'm not usually like
this.  I don't know what came over me.  I'm sorry too."

"It's okay.  I think it'd be better if we just stayed off personal
things, don't you?  Things just seem to get too tense when we talk about
it."  He withdrew his hands and took his chair again.  "So play
something you wrote for me."

Feeling steadier, I thought for a long moment about what the best piece
to play would be.  I had a lot of old pieces and finally settled on one
I'd written years before.  It was a soft, painful piece that had come
into existence after a long journey.  There were words, too, but I had
enough pride to not sing around Brian.  For God's sake, the guy made a
career out of it, and I didn't need to offend his ears with my horrid
voice.

"That's pretty," he said, once I looked at him.  "It really is, Josh.
When did you write it?"

"Oh, about eight years ago, I guess."

"Are there any lyrics?"

"Uh-huh."  About half of my music had lyrics and half didn't.  Some I
hadn't gotten around to writing, and others just didn't need words.
This one was one of them, but I wrote them anyway.

"Would you sing them for me?"

I shook my head.  "Mm...no."

"Why not?"

I laughed aloud.  "Ha...because I don't have a very good voice, and I
wouldn't want to rupture your eardrums."

"Aw, how bad can it be?  Come on, Josh.  I promise I won't laugh."  His
eyes seemed to beg.

How could I resist such beautiful blue eyes?  Hesitantly, I struck up
the opening chords for 'Dark Passage' again and let my voice join it
with great trepidation.  I couldn't bear to look at Brian as I sang.  My
face felt hot and I knew it was red, but I couldn't help it.  When I
finished, I ducked my head and stared at my fingers.

Brian didn't say anything for a long time.  Finally I had to look at
him, and he was smiling.  "What are you so embarrassed about?  You have
a nice voice."

I thought he was just being nice so I couldn't answer.   "Er, thanks."

"I'm serious, Josh," Brian said with force.  "That's a good song, and
you have a good voice.  If you have more songs like that, I'd say forget
teaching music.  You could be a great solo act."  He sighed.  "I wish I
could write songs like that."

Frowning, I asked, "Why can't you?"

His frown matched mine.  "Because I'm just not that good.  I can't play
guitar well enough to make it sound like...like yours.  Complicated but
good."

"You don't have to make it sound complicated.  Simple is usually better.
All of my songs started out like that and get more complicated over
time.  Try it."

"What?  Now?  You want to write a song?"

"Why not?  Maybe I can show you a thing or two I've learned over the
years while I've done this.  If you're interested, that is.  I mean,
it's no skin off my nose if you don't want to do it."

Brian's smile almost took my breath away.  "I think I'd like that."

"What kind do you want to do?" I asked quietly.

"Let's do a slow love song."

I wrinkled my nose but nodded.  "If you want to."

"Hmm...how about a ballad instead.  Something a little...darker, harder,
maybe.  Just for fun."  His eyes were unfocused, suddenly, and distant.

"All right," I said quietly.  "What kind of darker do you have in mind?"

"Oh, I don't know.  Kind of like this..."  He started picking out a soft,
almost delicate and intricate melody.  My jaw dropped a little at how
well he played it.  It was perfect.

For the next two hours, we worked on the song.  Brian worked on the
chords on the guitar, while I tinkered with the melody on the piano.  As
we worked, we also went over lyrics until we found some that fit.  It
was definitely not a Backstreet style song, I thought at first, until I
thought about it again.  Maybe it could be.  They didn't have any set
kind of style.

The song was about a different subject.  It was an honest song, about
life on the road from a Backstreet perspective.  At first, the concept
reminded me of Bob Seger's 'Turn the Page' but then Brian came out with
a line that went, "Have no time for new friends/Life on the road never
ends/Can't even know the ones I meet/Life is tough on these back
streets."  Okay, so it wasn't incredibly poetic, but it was real.  Brian
and I sang it together, and I liked the way it went.

At around four-thirty, I stretched my back, surprised to realize just
how much time had gone by.  I still wasn't quite tired yet, so I kept on
tinkering with the song.  Finally, just after five, we knocked off.
"Good song," I murmured.

"I can't believe this," Brian remarked.  "I met you less than twelve
hours ago and here we are writing a song.  How weird.  You know, that
meet and greet session we had?  We don't usually do it that way.  In
fact, we were just going to have a normal session where all the girls
just come to us.  That was the first time we've done it like that in
over a year."

"Really?  And if I hadn't gone into the gas station when I did, I never
would have gotten the tickets."  I raised and eyebrow.  "Coincidence?"

"I don't know.  You know, though, we were actually thinking of canceling
that m-and-g session.  Nick, Kevin, and I persuaded our manager not to."
His eyes narrowed.  "Hmm.  Interesting."

"That's weird," I muttered.  "Too damn weird for my taste."

"Yeah," Brian agreed uneasily.  "What time is it?"

He liked to ask that when things got a little uncomfortable, I noticed.
"A little after five.  You tired?"

"Very."

"Want me to take you back to the hotel?"

"How far away is that?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Then no.  Can I just crash here tonight?"

"Sure.  That's what my spare rooms are for."  I put everything away,
locked up the studio and showed Brian to his room.  It was right next to
mine and just as nice.  "Bathroom's at the end of the hall.  It's the
door on the end."

"Thanks."  He went into the room and closed the door.  I threw on my
nightshirt and boxers and when my head hit the pillow, I was almost
immediately asleep.

The annoying ring of the telephone on my nightstand brought me
struggling out of my dreams.  A glance at the clock told me it was only
ten.  "Hello?" I answered thickly.

"Josh?  It's David.  Did I wake you?"

"Yeah."

"Really?  God, usually you're up by six."

"I didn't go to bed until five this morning."

David sounded surprised, and then suggestive.  "So, your date went well,
eh?"

"I was working on a song, thank you," I answered primly.  "Is there a
reason you called?"  I closed my eyes while I listened.

"I wanted to brag about how last night went.  Want to hear it?"

"You'd tell me if I didn't, so go ahead."

"It was so cool.  God, those guys have some incredible stamina.  I got
back home at around two, and when I left, Kevin, Howie, and A.J. were
still partying like there was no tomorrow."  He laughed and then
sobered.  "They want to go to lunch with both of us today."

"Did you talk to them this morning?"

"Yes.  I gave them my number last night.  Say, do you know where Brian
is?"

I thought it best if I didn't say anything about Brian being at my
house.  People could get the wrong idea, especially since no one knew
about him yet.  "Why in the world would I know that?"

"Well, Kevin told me that he never came back to the hotel last night."

"That's odd."

David was clueless.  "Yeah.  We're going to Jade's for lunch at noon.
Come if you want, around noon."  He paused momentarily.  "So...who'd you
see last night?  Anyone I know?"

"Oh, maybe."

"Come on, Josh.  Tell me who it was."

"No."  *Not on your life, buddy.  Not until Brian tells his group,* I
thought.

"Fine.  Are you coming to Jade's?"

"Yeah, I guess."  I sighed and shifted tiredly on the bed.

"Okay.  I just hope they find Brian before we go."

I didn't answer that.  "Well, I'm going to get ready, and I'll meet you
over there."

"All right.  See you there."  He hung up and I flung my arm over my
eyes, so I didn't see Brian leaning on the doorframe.  "They miss me
much?"

"They're worried.  You should probably call them."

"Good idea.  Thank you for your tact, by the way.  I don't know what
they would have said if I'd told them."  He rubbed his hand over his
chin and combed down his corkscrewed hair.  He really was gorgeous.  He
just had a T-shirt and his boxers on and I could see the muscular lines
of his body, so strong and smooth.  Just like a young Adonis.

"How long have you known about yourself?" I asked suddenly, curious.

"Oh, about two years or better.  I've had just one...relationship in that
time, and I had to be really careful.  I want to tell people, but I'm
just afraid of what they'll think."

"They're your friends aren't they?"  I was talking about the other BSB
members.  "Don't you think they'd understand?  You've been discrete
about it, obviously, if they don't have any idea."

"Yeah, well, we've run into a lot of gays, just by virtue of being us
and not everyone is as...open minded as I'd like."  He sighed.  "I wish I
could tell them, tell everyone, but I...I just can't."

"It's okay," I assured him as I rolled out of bed.  "Go on.  Call Kevin,
while I take a shower.  Then you can have yours and we'll go over to
Jade's together.  Do you know what you're going to tell them?"

"Pretty sure.  I think I'm just going to tell them the truth."  He
looked at me carefully before asking, "Do you mind if I tell them about
the song?"

I shrugged.  "It's just as much yours, so you may as well."  I sighed
and wondered how I was going to explain this to David.  He'd kill me.
I'd never really lied to him like this before.  Of course, it wasn't
that big of a deal, either.  I thought about a lot of things as I ran
through a quick shower and shave.  I didn't really need it, but I did it
out of habit.  For some reason, I just didn't have a lot of hair on my
body, and what I did have didn't grow very fast.

After I was dressed and clean, I walked into the living room to see
Brian out back playing with Max.  I realized that I'd forgotten all
about those two last night.  I knew Whiskey was going to be really
pissed about being left outside last night.  I joined them outside.

"I see you've met Max," I said, picking up the little fur ball that ran
over to me when I came outside.  He was such a sweet little puppy,
mostly black, but with some darker brown along the belly.  Only two
months old, he was still little, but his parents had been pure-bred
shepherds, so I knew he'd grow up to have the typical coloring: black
back, russet ears, tan underbelly and legs, black muzzle with two black
moles on either side of his face.  But for now, he was just black and
brown, and cute as could be.  I felt a nip at my heel and looked down to
see Whiskey, a stray tabby I'd taken in, looking up at me with those
unforgiving eyes of his.  I reached down anyway and rubbed the short
hairs on his nose, where he liked it, and he forgave me.

"And this must be Whiskey," Brian said, reaching down to pet the cat.
Usually, Whiskey was skittish around strangers, but this time, he
allowed Brian to pet him, especially when Brian scratched his favorite
spot: just behind the ears.

"He likes you," I remarked.  "Did you call Kevin?"

"Mm-hmm.  I told him that I ran into you after the show and we went to
see a late movie and then came here for a while.  He wasn't at all
suspicious, thankfully.  Actually, he wanted to know if you wanted to
come up to Phoenix with us later."

"That'd be fine."  I walked into the garage and got food for the two
animals and when I came out, Brian had gone back into the house.  "Hey,
Brian," I called.  "There's a new toothbrush under the sink, and
everything else you need is in there."

"Okay, thanks."



We walked into Jade's together, the last ones to arrive.  We'd stopped
by the hotel so Brian could change.  Everyone looked up at us when we
walked in, but said nothing at all.  David flashed me a very dirty look
as I took a seat between him and Brian.  The room we were eating in was
relatively private, a back room, away from the front entrance so that
people coming in didn't see us.

"So..." A.J. started, once we were settled in, "what'd you do last night,
Rok?"

"I went to this really cool South Park film festival with Josh at
midnight, and then we ended up at his place and wrote a song together.
This guy is an incredible musician.  He plays like seven different
instruments and can write music like no one I've ever seen."  Brian
looked at me the whole time he said that.  For my part, all I could do
was just blush and duck my head.  And wince when a hard kick landed on
my shin.

"You lied to me," David shot out of the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah.  So?" I asked, in a normal voice.  "It was none of your
business."

"None of my...Josh, dammit, I have a right to know who you're sleeping
with!"

My next breath was sharp, stabbing my lungs.  I grimaced and glanced at
the other guys, who were looking at the two of us, trying to hide their
shock and embarrassment.  "Guys, I am really sorry about this.  David
doesn't know what the hell he's talking about."  I stood up, dragged
David away from the table, and then looked back at the table.  "I don't
know if I'll be back, but excuse me anyway.  There are a few things he
and I need to talk about."

Once we were outside, I used all of my strength to slam my best friend
into the wall.  "What in the fuck do you think you're doing?" I snarled.
"You have no idea what's going on, and for you to insinuate that
*anything* is going on between me and Brian is fucked up.  He's not even
gay for Christ's sake!  I told him I was, but he's not.  None of them
are."  The lie burned my tongue, but I kept my face fairly neutral.

David looked at me with sullen brown eyes.  "You lied to me, Josh."

I didn't budge one inch.  "So what?  Yeah, I went out with him last
night, and I had a great time.  He just didn't want anyone to know
because he was afraid people would think things that weren't true.  Like
you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch.  Why the hell do you think I didn't tell
you?  I didn't want you to get the wrong idea.  We didn't finish writing
the damn song until five this morning.  He didn't want to have me drag
him back to the hotel, so he crashed in my spare room.  He called Kevin
this morning and told him after you called."

"Josh, let me go."  David's tone had gone from angry to defeated.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay?  I guess I just...I don't want you to get hurt."

That pissed me off all over again.  "David, just leave."  I pushed him
once more and let him go.  "You have no right to think you can run my
life.  I don't care how much you want to protect me.  It's none of your
business who I do things with, and my love life is not grounds for
public discussion.  I don't know what gives you the right to even think
that, but it's wrong.  Do you know that some of those guys aren't that
tolerant of gays?"

"N-no."  His eyes dropped to the cement.

"I thought so.  Just go, okay?  Save us all the trouble."

He turned on me.  "What about you?  They know you're gay now, too.  Do
you think they're going to be that accepting of you?"

"Yes, I do.  I've got something you don't."

"What's that?"  David's face was contorted with his anger, and suddenly
I felt bad for hurting his feelings.  "Did you lie to me again?  Are you
fucking Brian?"

"No!"  Oh, that pushed me over the edge.  "Fuck it.  Go home, David."

"No.  I came here to eat lunch with them.  You leave."

"Fine," I said coldly.  "Enjoy your lunch."  I shoved past him and then
walked away, trembling in anger.  I heard David call my name, but
ignored it.  I was furious with him, utterly and fully.  I couldn't
believe him.  *Dammit, it's my life,* I thought angrily.  *No one has any
right to tell me how to run it.  Especially not him.*  David saw me as a
vulnerable little child who needed to be protected.  The truth was that
I was neither vulnerable nor a child.  I'd been alone for ten years and
knew more about living that he did.  He'd never last a year on the
streets, whereas I'd had to become tough to survive.

Just before I got to my car, another voice brought me up short.  "Josh,
wait up!"  It was Brian, of course.  This was getting way to
predictable.

"What do you want?" I asked, as he drew near.

"To talk to you for just a second."

"Look," I said calmly, not really looking at him, "this isn't any of
your business.  I feel bad for making everything awkward.  I have a
habit of doing that, and I can't figure out why.  So, let me say I'm
sorry, and then I'll go."

"No, don't go.  It's okay," he said.

"It is not," I argued.  "Brian, I was stupid for even thinking we could
be just friends.  I knew something like this would happen if David found
out.  That's why I didn't want to tell him."

"Would you just listen for a second?  David apologized for the
confusion, but...Josh, he's made a bigger problem.  It's going to be so
hard for me to come out to them now.  Did you tell him I'm not gay?"

"Did you want me to say you were?" I countered.

"No."

"I told him you weren't.  I figured you were still trying to protect
your image."  I finally looked up into his incredible blue eyes, which
were dark with trouble.  "Brian, why don't you just tell them?"  I shook
my head.  "Man, screw it.  You know what?  It's not even my problem.  I
don't know why you dragged me into this.  I'm just some guy you met on a
stop along the way.  In a day, you're going to leave and forget all
about this stupid place and forget you ever knew me."  I turned away.

A pair of rough hands turned me back and before I could even blink, a
pair of warm lips were smashed up against mine, greedily claiming me.
My knees went weak, and I had to lean up against my car so I wouldn't
fall as electric shocks shot through my body.  In all my life, I'd never
had such an incredible kiss.  But I was the one who broke it off and
pushed him away.

"Don't do this to me," I said harshly.  "You know I won't say no to
you."

He studied his hands for a long moment and then looked at me.  "Yeah, I
do know.  I'm sorry.  I guess you were right.  Nothing good could have
come out of this."  His eyes became hopeful.  "Can we be friends?
Contrary to what you think, I'm not going to forget you tomorrow.  You
helped me write that song, remember?  And I like it so much that I'm
going to show it to the guys to see if we could use it sometime.  Or if
nothing else, I'll use it myself."

"We can be friends," I said tiredly.  My body literally ached to be back
in that embrace, and once again, I found myself regretting my words.
"But what about the others?  Are they all weird about David and me now?"

"I don't know.  I didn't get much of a chance to talk to them about it."

"Can you at least tell me which of them aren't comfortable around gays?
Maybe if I go back, I can make it a bit better."

"Well..." he sighed and I could tell it hurt him badly to know that any of
the four guys he knew so well could be disgusted by what he was.
"It's...it's Kevin, mostly.  Nick isn't that great either.  A.J. doesn't
particularly mind, and Howie doesn't care."  His own family.

I didn't know what to say, so I reached out and laid a strictly platonic
hand on his shoulder.  "Maybe if you told them, they'd realize that it
doesn't change who you are."

"Maybe," Brian agreed wistfully.

*Why in the hell does this have to happen to me?* I wondered.  *My god,
this incredible superstar falls from heaven into my own lap.  He's a
damn celebrity and he chooses me, Christopher Jacob Taylor, a kid from
nowhere to hear his confessions.  How in the world did I get into this?
How am I going to get out of it and stay sane?*  The whole thing was
starting to take on a surreal quality I didn't like.

"Go back to lunch, Brian," I said abruptly.

"Huh?"  He hadn't heard a word I'd said.

"I said go back to lunch."

"I guess I should.  You coming?"

"No.  I've gotten way to far into this and it's really none of my
business, no matter how much you want it to be.  In the end, it's your
life and your decision, and I need to back out before I mess things up
for you."  That cold logical side was taking over again, and as rational
thought returned, so did the feeling of being more stable and grounded.

"So that's it?  You're just pushing me away?"

"I don't even know you, Brian.  How I got mixed up in all this I'll
never know and don't want to know.  Think about it from my side for a
second.  I meet you last night out of the blue.  You like me for some
reason, even though you don't have the slightest clue who I am.  For all
you know, I could be a reporter for a major newspaper, and you've
confessed your deepest secret to me, just because I share the same
secret.  And God, you're kind and...and fuck!  Here I go again.  Why in
the hell does this have to be so awkward?  Everything I do turns out
wrong."  I turned back away, but there were no tears.  I sure had fallen
for Brian.  My heart raced and my thoughts were going far too fast for
me to catch.  Why me?  Why now?

Once again, strong, warm hands took me by the shoulders and turned me
around.  He looked both puzzled and upset.  "I'm sorry.  I don't know
what happened, or why either.  I've never met anyone like you and I want
to be your friend, even for a little while."

"Okay.  Let's leave it at that, then."

"So you want to come back in or not?"

"I don't know.  I'd feel kind of weird, and I don't want this to be
strained or awkward."

"Aw, come on.  I'll get your back."

"Fine."

When we got back in, everyone was laughing.  David was the center of
attention, it appeared, impressing everyone with his charm and wit.  Or
lack thereof.  If any of them were offended by his sexuality, they
didn't show it.  *Or maybe,* I thought, *they don't know.  After all, he
was just acting like a big brother, not like a former lover.*  Still, as
I took a seat, nothing much changed.  David looked at me, though, and I
tried my best to freeze him with a look right there.  And succeeded
because he turned away very quickly.

After that, lunch went smoothly and became far more pleasant as Brian
turned the group on to the subject of songwriting.  He described the
song and asked if they'd like to hear it.

"It's a great song, if I do say so myself," he said with a big grin.
When he smiled like that, people tended to think he was a bit dumb, but
the grin lit his whole face, starting with the eyes.  It was quite a
fetching grin; one that demanded an answer.  "So guys, do you want to
hear it?"

"Why not?" Kevin asked, shrugging.  "I mean, if it's as good as you say,
we may be able to use it."

"If Josh had a hand in writing it," David spoke up suddenly, "then it's
going to be a good song."  His pathetic attempt at flattery.  When we'd
gone together, he'd always bitched about how much time I spent in my
studio.

I flashed him a flat little smile without feeling, and then said to the
rest, "Were you planning on going to Phoenix?"

"Yeah," Howie answered.  "For a few hours, anyway."

"Well, my place is on the way out, so we can pop by and show them."

"He's got a huge studio attached to his house that he built himself,"
Brian piped up.  "God, it's big enough to hold probably fifty people."

"Thirty," I corrected.  "I have small recitals in there, so I have to be
able to accommodate about fifteen kids and their parents."

"You teach music?" Kevin asked, appearing to be interested.

"Yeah.  I have about fifty students."

"Do you teach piano?" A.J. asked, also looking as if he were quite
interested.

"Mm-hmm," I nodded.  "I teach that and the violin, guitar, flute, and
the sax.  About half of my students are piano players, and about half of
the rest are violin players.  I have six guitar players, four on the sax
and the rest are on flute."

"Holy cow!" Kevin murmured.  "Sounds like you're a serious musician.
You write much?"

"I do.  I've got about sixty pieces in my collection so far."  Normally
when I was on the spot, I would feel really awkward, out of my element,
but with these guys, it was different.  Maybe it was because I didn't
know them that well and it didn't make much difference if they believed
me or not.  I'd get around to showing them anyway.

"You didn't tell me that," Brian said.  "If they're anything like what
you showed me last night, I really think you should just skip teaching
and go solo."

"Yeah, well, it's not that easy," I said.  "Besides, I really want to
teach."

Brian shrugged, and that was the end of that conversation.  The rest of
lunch was relaxed and nice.  It was as if nothing had happened earlier,
which was about the best thing that could have happened.  I slipped into
my usual role of being quiet and let the others talk.  Howie and Kevin
were eager to describe to Brian the party they'd had the night before.
Apparently, they'd stayed out until almost five in the morning.  They
had gone to Club Z, which was, of course, the favorite spot for people
my age.  Kevin and A.J. got to spin a little, "do a little of that dj
thang," as A.J. so quaintly put it.

"Man, party life here is just as intense as it is in L.A.," Howie said.

"Well," David jumped in, "that's about all there is to do here.  This
place is filled with college kids who love to party and the kind of
music doesn't matter, as long as it's loud and has a good beat."

"Yeah, but even as we finally left, almost everyone was still there.
God, it was still going on," Kevin said.  "It had to be almost five."

David nodded.  "Like I said, these are college kids.  Study all day,
work in the evenings, and then let off steam Fridays.  Big party night.
Stay out until the next morning, get plastered, and get up in time to do
it again Saturday night.  You haven't seen anything until you see the
usual Saturday shindig."

"You must be a real party animal, there David," Howie remarked with a
grin as the check arrived.

Kevin picked up the check and took out a credit card.  "This is on us,"
he said to David and me.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yeah.  After the good time we had last night, which was, by the way,
the best in a long time, it's only fair."

"Well, okay."  Who was I to pass up a free meal?

"You guys want to come with us to Phoenix?" Nick asked.  He'd been
pretty quiet through lunch, and by his slightly pained expression, I
could see why.  Hangover.  He looked relaxed, too, so he must have
partied hard too.

"Sure," David answered.  "You just going to the malls?"

"Probably.  What about you, Josh?"

I glanced at Brian before nodding.  "Why not?  You guys still want to
stop by my place before we go up there?"

"Of course," Kevin said.  "I really want to hear this new song.  How
long did it take you to write it?"

"Oh, I think around two and a half hours start to finish," Brian
answered.  "It went very quickly."

"Sounds like it.  Well, let's go."  On our way out the door, Kevin paid
the bill, left a tip, and joined everyone by their cars.  They'd gotten
a couple of gray nondescript Fords from a rental agency, and now that we
were outside, they all had hats and shades and looked like any other
group of guys.

"I have my own car," I said, "so you can follow me out to my house."

"Okay," A.J. said.

"Can I ride with you?" Brian asked quietly.  When I shrugged, he smiled.
God that smile could melt the hardest heart.  "Cool."

"Me too," David said.

"You can walk," I said coldly.  I was still quite angry with him, and
had no intentions of letting him ride with me.  Especially not when I
was with Brian.  One glance at him told me he thought I was joking.  I
turned furious eyes on him and said, "I'm serious, David."

"Oh, okay," he said quietly and turned to A.J., who just nodded.
"That's fine.  You, me and Howie can ride over together."

"I have an idea," I said.  "Why don't we just go and drop one of your
cars off over at the hotel real quick, and then Kevin and Nick can just
ride with Brian and me."

"My, you're environmentally conscious, too, huh?" Brian teased softly.
"Once again, I'm impressed."

"No, I'm just practical.  So are we just going to stand here all day?"

"Let's go," Kevin said.

About half an hour later, we were all in front of my house.  I could
hear Max's puppy barks floating from the back, and so I took them all
around back to meet the little guy, who greeted everyone with
enthusiasm.  He was so cute that I had to smile.  Someone put a gentle
hand on my shoulder, and at first, I thought it was Brian until I turned
around.  David stood there with a hopeful expression on his face, but I
brushed his hand off and stepped away.  Not this time.

Before too much longer, we went into the studio and I got out a few
chairs.  The others stood around admiring the work.

"You did this yourself?" Kevin asked quietly.  "This is really nice.
How long did it take?"

"A month of constant work," I answered.  "I worked about six hours
everyday, but it wasn't easy to do alone.  For about a week, I had a
couple of guys over to help me do the walls, hang the drywall, and set
most of the roof.  I did the shingling myself and all that.  Even did
the siding myself.  I enjoyed it, but it's not something I want to do
again."  With a smile and a shrug, I grabbed one of my guitars, handed
it to Brian and then took a seat on the piano bench.  "Need the music?"

"Mm...yeah, just in case I forget the words.  I know the music already."

"Okay.  You want to sing it by yourself?"

"No.  I told you that you have a great voice and I wasn't kidding, so
you can sing it with me."  He adjusted the guitar on his lap and
fingered the strings to signal he was ready.

I nodded and went into the intro, which was just piano and mostly just
variations on the same set of chords.  It didn't last long, and at just
the right moment, I faded the piano into a ghostly harmony as Brian took
over melody.  It hadn't quite sounded like that when we'd practiced
earlier, but it sure sounded cool.  Just a moment later, we sang the
words together.  And in the moment, it was just the two of us.  The
world didn't matter, who Brian was didn't matter, nothing mattered but
the two of us.  I put feeling into the song as I sang, this time
unselfconscious, and so did Brian.  At one point, I was supposed to take
a high harmony, but rounded it down low, which fit the sad mood of the
song.  We left off on an ambiguous note...low, minor triad, neither
hopeful nor too dark.

Reality came crashing back down as I looked around at the other five who
were silent, but most of them looked impressed.  "So?"

A.J. seemed to rouse himself first.  "Wow.  That...wow."  He looked
stunned.

"Thank you," I murmured, smiling at Brian again.  "What about the rest
of you?"

"You two wrote this?" Kevin asked, as if he couldn't quite believe it.
"My God, this is...it's unbelievable.  What a song."

"So you like it?" Brian asked.

"Like it?  Brian, I'm blown away.  This is an incredible song."  Kevin
grinned and punched Brian lightly in the arm.  "How'd you come up with
it?"

"Well," I interjected, "Brian had a basic melody when we started and we
just tinkered with it and added the lyrics as we went.  Things just fell
into place because your cousin has a talent for writing music."

"You did most of the melody work once I gave it to you," Brian
protested, "and it was you who came up with a good part of the lyrics."

"Aw, you did your part.  Take your credit and shut up," I joked.
"You're going to take the song anyway, right?"  I hit on an idea.  "Say,
Kevin, you play piano, don't you?"

The tall, dark haired man nodded.  "Yeah."

"Do you read music well?"

"Fairly well."

"Okay.  I want to try something.  I have the sheet music for this right
here, but I'd like to try this out on a couple of instruments really
quick while I have you here.  Is that okay?  I mean, if you're in a
hurry to get to Phoenix, you don't have to."

"No, that's okay," A.J. said for Kevin.  "I think this is better than
going to Phoenix, so if we don't get up there, it's no big deal."

That made me feel good for some reason, like I was important.  "Cool.
Um, do any of you play drums?"

"I do," Nick volunteered.  "A little anyway."

"Very cool," I said.  My mind was running about a mile a minute, as I
thought about ways to make this song pop.  This was the first time in a
long time I'd actually worked with people making music.  "Okay, what
else?  None of you play sax, right?"

"No," A.J. said wistfully.  "I wish I did so I could do something."

"Do you play any instruments?"

"Not really."

"Well, maybe you could sing my part."

A.J. shook his head and pulled off his shades.  "No way, man.  That part
is yours.  I can sit this out, I guess."

"Yeah," I countered, "but if you take the song, I'm not going to be
there to sing that part, and I think you'd sound good in the part.
Besides, I can't sing if I'm playing sax, right?"

"Okay, then, but I don't really know it well enough to sing right now."

"That's okay," I said, "because I'm really more interested in hearing
what it sounds like with the violin in here."  I glanced at Howie.
"What about you?  This is a group project, and it's not fair to exclude
you.  You play anything?"

"I can do some guitar."

"Good.  We can use rhythm."  I walked over and grabbed another guitar
and explained to Howie what he should play.  Just a couple of
harmonizing chords.  Running the song over in my head, I thought of a
good drum beat, so I went over to the trap set that was close to the
piano and uncovered it.  I sat behind it for a moment and picked out a
rhythm that was very simple, once on the snare, once on the bass, then
twice on the snare and once on the bass.  "Think you can handle that?" I
asked Nick.

"Too easy," he said as he took a seat on the stool and picked up the
drumsticks.

"All right, then.  Kev, you think you can handle the piano?"

He fingered the keys and looked at the music.  With a smile, he turned
to me and nodded.  "I got it.  This isn't too bad."

"Okay.  Are you all ready?"  Everyone nodded.  "Let's see...mm...all right.
I just want all four of you to go through it for me so I can hear what
it sounds like.  Go ahead.  Start with the piano.  When Brian starts
with the guitar, you can go ahead with the other parts.  Sound good?"
Again, everyone nodded, and I was surprised about the way they just took
my orders, as if I were a little general.  Well, no hope for it.  I
nodded back to Kevin and he started.

He did pretty well for his first time.  I liked his style.  As Brian,
Howie, and Nick came in, the song took on an even more complete feel.  I
was very impressed by how well the four of them held together.  They
were all pretty good with their instruments and had good senses of
rhythm.  About halfway though, I had the right feel for the violin and
put my baby Strad under my chin and fingered her lovingly.  Out of all
my instruments, she was my favorite with a sweet, clear, and beautiful
voice that cut to the heart.

I added her voice to the mix, and when I did, six pairs of eyes looked
my way as the sweet notes seared through the melody, flirting with it
and then fading into harmony.  Toward the end, I picked up the melody
again and then showed off with a little flair just before the end, but
left the very end to the piano.  (Can you tell that I have a real
passion for music?)  Kevin couldn't quite produce the ambiguity I'd made
before, but the effect was almost the same.

No one said anything for the longest time, but slowly, smiles emerged
one by one.  "Oh man," A.J. said, cracking a huge grin.  "You have got a
gift, Josh.  The violin...that was perfect.  It added...so much."

"God, it did," Brian said, looking at me with admiring eyes.  "Did you
play that jus by ear?"

"Yep.  And if you don't mind going through it just once more, I'll get
it in early."

"We can go through it as many times as you want," Nick said.  "I love
this song already.  I can see 'huge hit' written all over it.
Especially since it's so different that what we usually do."

"Cool."  I nodded to Kevin who
picked up the intro with more confidence and then instead of waiting, I
joined him.  There is nothing more beautiful that a violin and piano
together creating a perfect harmony, soft, sweet notes.  I kept it up
through the course of the song, sometimes bringing out the melody,
sometimes just fading into harmony.  The piano got better and better.
This time, everything seemed to fit into place, and A.J. started to
softly sing the words over Kevin's shoulder.  They fit too.

"Good enough," I said, once we finished.  "I like it, guys.  Skip the
sax.  This is an acoustic piece.  And I think all of you should play
it."  The teacher in me took over.  "Practice it until you're
comfortable with it and then wow your people.  Take my advice.  *Don't*
let anyone take this away from you.  This is *your* song, guys.  If you
want it, and if you want to play it, that is."

"Damn straight," Kevin muttered.  "This is so cool.  Something of our
own."  He smiled at me.  "You're going to get your props for this, too."

"Don't worry about me," I said.

"No," Howie said.  "This is yours too."

"Well, thanks," I said.  "So, are we still going to Phoenix?"

"Sure," Brian said, standing up and looking at the others pointedly.

We went in two cars again and wound up spending most of the afternoon up
there, going around to the various malls, shopping and generally goofing
off.  At one point, as we were walking around our second mall, AJ, Nick,
and Howie managed to ditch David for a few minutes and came over to me.

"Man," AJ muttered, "what a pain."

"Who, David?" I asked.

"No offense, but yes."

"Oh, don't worry," I said quietly, keeping watch, "I'm still a little
pissed off at him right now.  He can be a good guy, but a lot of the
time, he's just a pain in the ass.  He likes to do everything his way or
no way."

Howie nodded and grimaced.  "Yeah, we noticed.  Why do you think we
ditched him?  Say, is, uh, is he gay, by the way?"

"Gee, what gave it away?" I heard a voice asked behind me.  Brian walked
up and stood next to me.  "Was it his lithp?  Or the limp wrist?"  Yep,
David was a stereotypical gay, all right.  He had the "gay lisp", and an
effeminate manner.  Although that never bothered me, it obviously
bothered some of them.

"Something like that," Nick said uneasily.  "So he really is?"

"Oh yes," I said.  "Does that bother you?"

Nick's blue eyes cut to the floor.  "Well...it's not that it bothers me so
much, but...if someone's gay, I...um...I don't like to be reminded of it every
time they open their mouth."

"Oh," I said.  "Gee, it's a good thing I don't talk like that, huh?"  I
laughed suddenly at the uneasy looks my comment garnered and then
shrugged.  "Relax.  I promise I don't bite."

That broke the tension and got everyone to relax as we walked.  No one
brought up the subject again that afternoon, but it became more and more
evident as the day wore on that the guys were tired of David.  I was
too.  He was fawning all over them, being pushy and bordering on plain
rude.  Me, he ignored entirely, which was fine.  I wanted even less to
do with him at that moment, although I was sure that once things settled
out, we'd be okay again.

AJ and Howie managed to ditch David again and came over to where Kevin,
Brian, and I stood chatting.  "What's up?" I asked them.

"Not much," AJ said, giving me a pleading look.  "Save us."

"Sorry.  I'm not the one who invited him to tag along."

"It's okay," Howie said, glancing around.  "So, what's everyone doing
tonight?"

Brian glanced in my direction before answering, "Well, I know what I
want to do."

By the look he gave me it was pretty obvious.  "Another jam session in
my studio, right?" I teased.  "Just can't get enough, eh?"

He grinned and looked to Kevin.  "What about you, Kev?"

Kevin shrugged gracefully.  "Oh, I don't know.  I'm a little worn after
last night's party.  I was just going to stay in and watch a movie or
something like that."

All of a sudden a blond blur darted around the corner and jumped on
Brian's back before any of us could so much as blink.  Nick grinned and
stepped back away.  "What's everyone staring at?"

"Your freaky ass!" Howie exclaimed, laughing.  "We were just talking
about what we wanted to do tonight.  So far we got one who wants to make
music and one who wants to stay in and watch movies."

Brian gave me an odd look before asking, "So is that cool?"

"Fine," I answered quietly.  "If you want to come over, you're quite
welcome.  In fact, you're all more than welcome to come over.  We can do
dinner and I've got all kinds of movies and video games and stuff like
that."

Nick's blue eyes lit up, and I saw just then why so many girls thought
he was the "hottie" of the group.  "Yeah?  What kind of video games?"

"What's your pleasure?  Playstation?  N64?  Or do you like the older
systems?  Nintendo?  Sega?  SNES?  I've got them all.  I've also got a
Dreamcast."

"No way!  Those aren't even out yet."  Nick's jaw was practically
scraping the floor.

"Not here they aren't, but I've got a friend who orders things from
Japan, where they come out six months earlier, so I've had it for a
while.  It's bad ass."  I grinned.  "Like I said, you're more than
welcome.  I've also got hundreds of computer games."

"I am so there."

"That's two," I said, smiling fondly at Nick's boyish enthusiasm.  I'd
never met anyone so nuts about video games before, besides me, that is.
"Any of the rest of you?"

Kevin shrugged.  "Yeah, why not.  I was thinking, actually of working on
a new song anyway, and your studio would be a good place to do it."

"Cool.  Howie?  AJ?"

"Hey, why not?" AJ said.  "Sounds like fun.  I mean, I was going to go
out again, but I'm kind of beat, too.  I think it'd be cool to just hang
for a while."

"Yeah," Howie agreed.  "But, don't take this the wrong way, but can we
lose David?  I mean, I know how that sounds, and I promise I'm not
trying to be rude...but..."

"Don't worry about it," I said.  "I wasn't really planning on inviting
him anyway."  That got a few relieved grins.  "So, what about food?  Do
you want to go out or have a home-cooked meal?"

"Can you cook?" Brian asked, jumping into the conversation for the first
time in a while.

"I was thinking more of a barbeque type thing," I answered, "and yes, I
can do that.  I'm a fairly decent cook.  I don't make anything fancy,
but I can manage."

"It won't be any trouble?" Kevin asked.

"None at all," I assured them.  "What do you all want?  What's something
you don't get much of that you'd really like?"

I was surprised by how quickly Kevin answered for the group, "Ribs."
They all had identical expressions of agreement.  With a very slightly
sheepish smile, he said, "Sure, they have them in restaurants, but I
like them fresh off the grill.  We haven't had them in a long time."

I felt real relief.  "Guys, that's my specialty."  I had a way of
cooking ribs that for some reason people just seemed to love.  They
didn't take that long to cook, either.  Not the way I made them.
"Anything else?"

"Cornbread," Brian piped up with a grin.

David walked up to the six of us just then.  "Hey, what are you all
doing standing over here?  I thought you wanted to shop 'til you
dropped.  You'd better get moving."

"Uh, we were waiting for you," Kevin said.  "We're leaving now."

"Oh."  His hazel eyes mildly puzzled, David trailed us out.  "So, what's
everyone doing tonight?" he asked.  "Are you gonna party more tonight?"

"No," Howie answered quietly.  "We've got a, uh, meeting with our
manager tonight and then we have to hit the sack early.  We're cutting
out of town at first light, so we've got to get ready to go tonight."

"Too bad."  David turned to me.  "What about you, LJ?"  Little Jay.  I
hated that name more than any of the other cutsie nicknames he'd given
me.

"Don't call me that," I said testily.  "I'm pretty tired, so I'm going
to bed early."

"You don't want to go out?"  He was pretending like nothing had happened
earlier, of course.

"No."  It was hard to be civil.

"Oh.  Okay."  We'd arrived at the cars, so he ducked into his and
unlocked the doors for AJ and Howie, who very reluctantly went in.

The trip back went relatively quickly.  Conversation between us was
mostly nonexistent, so we ended up listening to the radio all the way
back.  That was quite all right because I was enjoying just having the
company.  I couldn't believe how easily and naturally all of us got
along.  It was like I had just run into some old friends instead of
meeting five very friendly, low-key guys.  Who they were hardly ever
came into it.  Sure, they were superstar musicians elsewhere, but with
me, they were just five guys I met the day before.

Once we got back to the hotel, we made a little arrangement.  They'd go
up to their rooms, I'd leave to go get the ribs, and then come back and
lead them to my house.  David, meanwhile, would go home.  It worked to
perfection and not half an hour after we'd gotten back into town, we
were back at my house again.  It wasn't that late, either.  I threw the
ribs on the grill first thing.  It was about six.

With Brian's help, I got together some cornbread, a kick-ass salad, and
some other cooked fresh vegetables, while the others hung out on the
back deck.  As we worked, Brian and I talked about things.  We got to
know each other better and better.  For all of the tension and
awkwardness between us, we were already pretty good friends.  We avoided
certain topics, which made things easier, and just stuck with more funny
stories.

When the food was done, we carried it outside, and as we did, he asked,
"Do you have an e-mail address?"

"Several.  Why?"

"Well, I don't know.  I'd just like to keep in touch after we leave."
He said it as if it were the most natural request in the world.

But I almost dropped the bowl of salad in shock.  Maybe I'd
misunderstood; I figured he'd just hang out and then leave and forget
all about me.  Even if we were friends, I hadn't expected him to want to
keep in touch.  "I'll, uh, I'll get them to you before I go," I said.

"You seem surprised," he commented, setting down the hot plate of
cornbread.  "I do like you, Josh.  Even if I've only known you for a
day, I consider you a friend."

"Ah, thank you," I said awkwardly as I walked over to the grill.  The
ribs were done and smelled wonderful when I pulled them off.  They were
top of the line.  I'd gotten them from my local butcher block.  Max
waddled over and sat on his fat rump and begged.  That little tiny puppy
begging for scraps was almost too much.  "Sorry, bud, but you can't have
any of these tonight," I said as I scooped him up and went back into the
house.

Brian had come back in and stood leaning against the sink when I walked
in.  His face was bright red and he was chuckling madly, trying not to
burst out loud.  When he saw Max and me, he turned an even brighter red
and lost his cool.

"What's so funny?" I asked, setting Max down.

"N-Nothing," he gasped between fits of laughter.  "Just...Kevin said
something funny.  That's all."

"Oh," I murmured.  Using a technique I'd learned on my own a few years
ago, I made short work of the ribs without making a mess.  They were
coated with barbeque sauce and a couple of other secret ingredients.
Brian watched without comment, his laughter tapering off to occasional
chuckles.

I took the humongous pile of ribs out to the back deck and set them in
front of the guys.  We all dug in and ate like we'd never eaten before.
Man, they liked my ribs.  I got compliment after compliment.  They
devoured everything as we sat in the early evening twilight.  Even the
cornbread was good.  Brian ate more of that than anyone, but he grinned
and told me it was great.  After we finished, we threw everything in the
dishwasher and cleaned up.

Once all that was finished, we went into my game room in the basement.
"This is where I keep my entertainment stuff."  The room was huge and
had a pool table at one end and my entertainment center at the other.
Inside the entertainment center, I had a new CD player, big TV and VCR,
and all the video game systems stowed below in boxes so things wouldn't
get mixed up.  Currently, the Dreamcast was hooked up and laying on the
floor.

"That must be the Dreamcast," Nick said, walking over to inspect the
unit.  "Looks kind of like the Playstation.  It takes CD's obviously."

"Yeah, that's right," I answered.  "But, it also has Internet access."

 "Way cool.  Is it hooked up?"

"Mm-hmm.  Go ahead."  I glanced at the others, who looked back with
almost identically patronizing expressions.  Nick didn't notice as he
flopped down in front of the TV and turned everything on.  We watched as
he played Sonic for a while, and all of them marveled at the graphics.
It really was a cool system and it didn't have as many of the loading
problems as the Playstation did.

"You guys can go on ahead, if you want," Nick said absently.  His long
frame was lounging contentedly against one of the chairs close to the
TV.  "I think I'm going to stay down here for a while."

"Okay," I said.  "If you want to change systems, they're all in the
bottom."  He paused long enough to open the cabinet and inspect my game
selection.  His eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw all the
games I had.  I did have quite a collection.

"God, where'd you get all these?  Man, you have *everything*; all the old
stuff and...jeez, there must be at least three hundred Playstation games
here."

"Three fifty," I said.  "I got them all from an old friend of mine.  I
worked in his game store for years and years and I accumulated all this
stuff.  He gave it to me in lieu of pay.  I mean, I taught thirty-five
kids a week back then, so I didn't really need any money.  I was a video
game freak and every month, he gave me anything I wanted to make up for
the pay.  The Dreamcast I bought, and I got it from him.  He was and is
very successful."

"Wow.  So, what do those computers in your studio have in them?"

"They're Pentium III's, 500 mHz processors.  I've got them maxed out to
265 megs of RAM and 20 gig hard drives.  I basically gutted the things
and upgraded them myself.  I also installed DVD drives."

"Are they fast?"

"Incredibly.  I have my own T-1 line running out here for Internet, so
the connection is faster than a snap of the fingers."  I turned and
smiled at the others, all of whom looked mildly puzzled.  "We can head
out now."

Once in the studio, all talk of games and computers disappeared.  I'd
left all the chairs out, so the four of them sat down and I took a seat
at the piano.  Brian sat closest to me and said, "Didn't we get a
promise out of you to play one of your songs, Josh?"

Had they?  I couldn't remember, but I nodded anyway and thought for a
minute.  I needed a good song, something not too hard, but not too soft.
I had the perfect song.  This one was just a fun song.  It was silly and
wild, and I could sing it in a funny voice.  So I did.  The song was a
cross between old-fashioned ragtime and modern pop and about something
funny that had happened in my life.  I had the guys rolling by the time
I finished.  Even I was laughing kind of hard when I finished.

"G-God," Kevin gasped, chest hitching with his laughter, "that was
great, Josh!  Where'd you come up with that?"

"Real life experience," I grinned.  "That really happened."

Brian burst out laughing all over again.  "I'm sorry.  I bet it wasn't
funny at the time.  Sounds like it really sucked."

"Yeah, but it's funny now," I said.  "That was just kind of to get
things loosened up.  That was one of my favorites because it's so much
fun.  But I have better ones.  Like these."  I played two songs: 'Dark
Passage,' and one called, 'Where Did I Go Wrong?'  As the title said,
'Where Did I Go Wrong?' was about life taking a hard turn.  Almost all
of my songs were deeply personal, so sharing them with people was not
something I did a lot.  I didn't really like people to get too close.

There was a long silence after I let the last few notes taper off and
stepped off the damper pedal.  It seemed as if the guys were afraid to
spoil the moment.  It was pretty heavy.  Those weren't light songs.

Finally, it was AJ who broke the quiet.  "I think Brian was right," he
murmured.  "Forget teaching.  You'd be an excellent solo artist, Josh."

"Man, he's right," Kevin said.  "You definitely have talent.  Those were
some of the best songs I've ever heard.  They sounded honest, like
you've lived everything you sing about."

"Hmm...thank you," I replied.  I didn't say that I had lived it.  All the
flattery was starting to go to my head.  Maybe they were right.  But
no...I still wanted to teach.   I really wanted to teach.  "I think I'm
going to stick to teaching music, though.  I'd like to think I can help
people understand what a joy music really is."

"That's a good idea, too," Brian said.  He stood up and grabbed the
guitar he'd been using and sat down with it.  I moved and let Kevin have
the piano and gave Howie another guitar.  AJ walked over to the trap set
and sat down.  I hadn't known he could play the drums, but they all
surprised me by playing something else I'd never heard.  It was cool,
though.  It didn't sound like a pop piece; it sounded more like a jazz
piece.  All it was missing was sax.

"That was way cool," I said when they finished.  "What was it?"

"It doesn't have a name," Howie said.  "It's just something we play when
we jam with the band."

"Ah.  Hold on a second."  I walked into the back storage area and
grabbed my sax case and walked back into the room.  This was my tenor
sax, the lower one, that would sound the best with this piece.

"Let me guess," Brian said.  "You've just got to tinker around with it."

"Well, I want to see what this is going to sound like.  It just seems
like this is missing.  Have you heard it with the sax before?"

"Not really," Kevin answered.

"Okay," I said, "so go ahead and do it again."  They did and I added the
sax ; not a lot, but enough to accent it.  That's really what the sax is
for when used in a band.  It's a great accent piece, and I tried to set
it up just so.  I liked what I heard and from the surprised looks on the
faces of the others, they did too.  "Oh, that was pretty," I said.
"You don't have a name for it?  No lyrics?"

"No and no," Kevin answered.  "Although..."  Hint, hint.  Yeah, yeah,
sure.

"Okay," I said, catching the point.  "So you've got the song down.  Now
all you need is words and maybe fine-tuning.  What kind of song is it?
Throw out suggestions."

For some reason, they deferred to me again, like I was some kind of
expert, which I was not.  "Well, it's a smooth song," Kevin started, a
bit tentatively.  "So normal pop lyrics probably won't work, right?"  He
looked at me like I was a teacher and he'd given an answer he wasn't
sure about.

"This is your show, guys," I said.  "Take the ball and roll with it."

I faded into the background and got a good look at why these guys were
such good friends.  They all had their own ideas and were receptive to
those of the others.  None of them were rude when they disagreed,
although there was some playful teasing.  It was amazing to see how well
these four got along together.  They got down some good ideas and went
with them, transforming their little play piece into a song.

At one point, they got a little stuck, but I bailed them out.  As they
worked, I took the guitar from Brian and "tinkered" with the melody.  In
the end, I didn't do that much to it, but it was a little different than
before.  I can't honestly say I made it better, but in my mind, it
sounded right.  Better or not, if it was right, then it was right.  Of
course, my view of right and theirs was bound to be different.

Once they finally agreed on lyrics, I ran the changes by them.  "Check
this out," I said.  "I want to run this by you.  As Brian put it so
quaintly, I tinkered a little bit.  Tell me if it sounds about right.
Whoever's going to sing, do it.  That way, we can see how well the words
and melody fit together."

"Do you want us to play it?" AJ asked.

"Not yet.  Just check this out."  I played it and Brian started to sing.
Those boys were all pretty good, I must admit.  The words fit perfectly,
and matched the changes I'd made.  "Good song, guys.  I'd say you have
another hit on your hands."

All four of them were staring at me as if I'd grown another head.  "Man,
how do you do it?" AJ asked.  "You've heard the damn song twice and
already you know it better than I do.  It took us a long time to get
that down and here in just a few minutes you got it."

I blushed and ducked my head.  "I don't know," I mumbled shyly.  "I
just...I remember how it sounded, and play it in my head.  I-I can't
explain it better than that.  I've been around music for so long...it's
just second nature."

"Aww," Brian teased, "isn't that cute?"  He leaned over and pinched my
cheek.  I punched his arm.  "Ow, boy.  What're you trying to do, kill
me?"

"Sorry.  I don't like to be teased."

"Guess not."  He rubbed his arm and grinned.  "Next time, I'll keep my
mouth shut."  His intensely vivid blue eyes sparkled even as he sobered.
"Seriously, though, that's pretty good.  You really didn't change it
much except at the bridge."

"Yup.  The lyrics fit just fine there."

"Well, I guess we owe you our thanks again, Josh."

"For what?  You guys did most of the work.  I just messed around with
the melody.  You made the song better with those great lyrics of yours."
I handed the guitar back to Brian.  "Here.  Let's go through it all
again.  Did you catch what I did?"

"Yeah, pretty much.  You went up, not down."

"Something like that," I murmured, grabbing my sax again.  "Put in the
lyrics.  Let's jam, babies!"  Okay, okay, I realize how stupid that
sounded, but I was caught up in the moment, and none of them seemed to
mind.

So we went through it again.   And again.  And again.  They loved it,
never complained, and just kept going until it sounded perfect.  I went
all-out with the sax, showing off my skills and making my part pop.
Yeah, I was being a show-off, but hey, it was just fun.  Improvising was
one of my strong points, so I did it.  What can I say?

After that, we took a break and Kevin tore Nick away from the video
games for a minute to come hear the song.  Now that we all had it pretty
much down, it really came together and sounded about perfect.  Nick was
impressed, to say the least.

"Say, wasn't that our song?" he asked.

"Mm-hmm," Kevin nodded.  "We just fixed it up and made it a single."

"Oh."  There was something bothering Nick just then.  "So...what do I get
to do?  This is our song, right?"

"You can play the drums," AJ said, generously offering up his own part.
"I sing, and I'd rather do that."

Nick grinned.  "Okay, then, that's cool.  I love this song."

"Good," Brian said.  He stood up, stretched, and glanced at the clock.
"Oh, man, how'd it get so late?"  It was already after midnight.  "We're
out of here in less than seven hours, guys.  I guess we'd better get
going."

None of them looked to happy at the prospect, but they went anyway.  I
walked with them out to the car.  I'd put the sheet music to both of the
songs in a folder and brought it with me.  "Remember," I told them,
"don't let them take these from you.  Especially...um, Brian, I think we
forgot to name that song."

"Yeah, we did," he said.  "Hmmm..."

"Well, how about 'Life on the Back Streets,' I suggested.  That's what
the song is about, so it fits."

"Hey, that's pretty cool."

"Anyway, practice them when you can.  These are *yours*.  Forget what
anyone else tells you, guys.  These are two of your songs, honest and
from your hearts.  And mine, a bit."  I worried my lower lip with my
teeth.  "Promise me, you guys."

They all seemed taken aback by my passion, but also understood why I
felt as I did.  Kevin smiled.  "We will, Josh.  Don't worry.  These are
ours now."  He extended his hand and we shook.  "Thank you, though.
You're going to get your credit for them."

I smiled, but it didn't matter if I ever did get credit for them or not.
I just wanted them to be left as they were, not taken to some group and
"improved."  "You know, it was cool to get to hang with you guys.  Don't
take this the wrong way, but I forgot who you guys were for most of the
time."

AJ grinned.  "That's what we wanted.  Do you know how long it's been
since we've hung out with someone who doesn't care who we are?  This
whole weekend has been a blast, Josh.  And Kevin was right.  You'll get
your props for the music."

"Well, thanks," I murmured.

"Man, I don't want to leave," Nick said quietly.  "I just love your
collection.  You've got everything down there."

"Oh, so you only like the games, eh?  Well, that's fine," I teased.

Nick blushed a bright red.  "No, no, I just mean I wish we could stay
longer.  I do think the new songs rock."

"No doubt," Howie agreed.  "This weekend has been awesome.  I just wish
we didn't have to go so soon.  It was really nice to get to hang out
with someone who did see past 'Backstreet' for a change.  It's almost as
good as you being a big fan."

"Well...maybe I am, now," I said with a smile.  "In any case, I've had a
pretty good time too.  I love to write music, and if I helped you out,
that's gravy."  There was a long, awkward pause, and then they started
getting into the car one-by-one, until Brian and I were the only two
outside.  "You going to go?" I asked him.

"Not yet," he answered.  "Guys, go on ahead.  I'll bum a ride off of the
kid, here."

"Jerk," I muttered.  "Why'd you stay?"

"Because you haven't given me your e-mail address yet, dummy."

"Oh."  I headed back into the house and he trailed behind.  Grabbing a
notebook, I jotted down about half of my e-mail addresses (four of
eight) and handed them to him.  "The first one's my main box, but I
check all of them.  If you get bored, you can mail all of them."

He grinned.  "That's pretty cool.  I just got a laptop and I'm getting
addicted to it.  That's the way I keep in touch with the family back
home and I find all kinds of cool websites."

"Do you go to BSB websites?"

"Once in a while.  I like to check out different music websites and
stuff like that, too.  Do you ever go to chat rooms?"

"Rarely."  We walked out to the backyard again.  "Are you just going to
mail me your address?"

"No."  He tore off the bottom half of the paper I'd used and wrote two
addresses on it.   "You're not the only one who's got more than one box.
I try to check them everyday, but may not get back for a while."

"Okay."  Questions bounced around in my head.  *Why are you clinging
Brian?  Why are you hanging onto me like this?  Can't you see how hard
it is for me not to break down again?  I like you, I really do, but it
wouldn't work.  Can't you see that?  It would be so much easier to sever
the connection here, and it would spare us both the pain.*  I felt like
shouting all of that at him, but instead kept quiet as I took a seat on
the edge of the deck.  Max waddled over and jumped into my lap.  Whiskey
sauntered into Brian's lap and curled up into a comfortable ball.

"Oh, go ahead, make yourself at home," Brian muttered to the cat.  His
grin was broad though.  I guess he had a soft spot for cats.

We didn't say another word for a long time.  It was actually nearly an
hour that we spent in the starless darkness.  Several times, he looked
like he wanted to say something, but kept his peace until finally, he
gently picked up Whiskey and then stood up.  I picked up Max and walked
back inside and put the small pup on his spot on my bed and indicated
the Brian should do the same with the cat.

"Ready to go?" I asked quietly.

"I guess so," he sighed glumly.  "I can't believe how fast this weekend
has gone.  But I loved every minute of it."

"I'm glad," I said.  We walked out to the car and were soon on the road.
After a few minutes, I started talking, "So, back on the road again, eh?
No rest for the weary."

"No," he agreed softly.  "You were wrong about something though.
Despite what you think, I won't forget this place.  Or you.  This was
one of the coolest weekends I've had in a long, long time.  You're
something special, Josh.  I really do wish more people were like you."

"I don't," I said with a grin.  "Jeez, how would I stand out if everyone
was like me?"  I was blushing by his exaggeration of how good of a
weekend it was.  It didn't seem that great to me.  "I'm just glad I got
a chance to meet you and got to know you a little.  I wish you could
stay around a little longer."

"Well, maybe I'll get to see you again sometime."

"Maybe," I agreed doubtfully.  In my heart, I was sure we'd never see
each other again.  Of course...fate would have plenty to say about that
later.  But at that time, I was sad.

"You know, if we ever do record those two songs, I'd really like to have
you come down and play the violin part and the sax."

"Huh?"  That caught me by surprise.  "Don't you have your band?"

He nodded, bright blue eyes distant.  "Sure, and they're great, but I
don't know how well they'd do with this stuff.  I mean, this...I can't
imagine anyone else playing it."

That was a nice sentiment, I guess, but how realistic was it?  Not very.
We lapsed into silence until we reached the hotel.  Brian sighed and ran
a hand through his short reddish hair as I pulled up to the front.  This
time, there weren't any girls hanging around.

Without any warning, Brian pulled me into a tight embrace.  "It was
great, Josh.  It really was.  I'm so glad I got to meet you."  He kissed
me again, gently, but with barely checked passion.  His lips were warm,
firm, and demanded answer, which I was only too happy to give.  Just for
that moment, I was his and he was mine.

When the kiss broke, he sat back and smiled.  "That was for...I guess what
could have been."

"Don't say it like that," I protested.  "You make it sound wrong like
that.  Just say it was for anything but that, okay?"  I was practically
begging him with my eyes and heart not to say we could have had a
chance.  We didn't.  There were no two ways about it.  I wasn't going to
give up my life and I knew he wouldn't give up his.

"Okay," he whispered, giving me one last peck on the cheek.  "That was
for being Josh and giving all of us a great weekend."  He stopped
talking and took my hand.  "Josh...do you think...I mean, would we...?"

"No," I said, more harshly than I'd intended.  "I...I can't give up...what
I've worked...years to get.  I'm sorry.  I mean...yeah, I like you a lot,
but...but I think we'd just end up hurting each other."

He looked relieved.  "I guess it's better that way."

"Are you going to tell them you're gay?" I asked to change the subject.

"Someday.  I hope they understand when I do."

"Yeah."  Time was up.  "Well...ah, Brian, it's been a lot of fun, and...I
guess that's all that matters."

"That's right," he said.  "Bye, Josh."  He got out of the car, waved
once and walked into the hotel without a single glance back.

****************

So ends Part I.  Hey, I like to tell a story, so I'm
just going let this unfold in its own time and way.  Writing is
something I'm very passionate about, like music.  Most of the aspects of
Josh's character are mirrors of my own.  There are a few differences,
although I won't say what they are.

Anyway, for now, that's it.  Obviously Josh and Brian are eventually
going to end up together, but I have many, many surprises in store.
This isn't "just another Brian story," I promise you.  It's going to
take a while to develop, and if you have patience, you may like what I'm
doing.

Feedback is welcome, of course.  In fact, I'd appreciate any comments or
criticisms.  Don't be afraid of offending me.  Tell me what you think.
My address is joshtay31@hotmail.com or aceofspades187@hotmail.com.

Chris