Date: Sun, 11 Feb 2001 22:23:39 -0800
From: w j <wmj29@hotmail.com>
Subject: Starting Over 2

Hi everyone.  I'm sorry this one took me so long to get out, but I've been
busy.  It's not as long as I wanted it to be, but I ended up going skiing
today, and so I didn't have time to write much today.  I'll start the new
chapter tomorrow.  I'm sorry to the people that I told that the story would
be up at the end of the week.  It's only a day late though.  Anyone that
feels the urge to tell me what they think of my story, please do so at:
wmj29@hotmail.com  Thank you to the people who have sent me e-mails already,
I really appreciate the feedback.  I realise that the story seems to be
moving a little slow, but I promise that it'll pick up.  The next chapter
should be fun.  Take care, and enjoy.

Jordan

PS:  I have to thank the three people who encouraged me to write this story
a few weeks back, so thank you to Adam, Amber, and Joey, you guys are the
best.

Disclaimer:  I don't know  `NSync or know anything about there sexual
preferences, nor do I imply anything by the events and comments made in this
story.  If you are offended by gay relationships, you're an idiot, and
should not be here.  If you are under the age of eighteen, or it is illegal
to read this material in your country or region, please do not continue
reading this.  On to the story!

Last Time:

Our meals came, and we ate quietly, enjoying the flavours, and our third
bottle of wine.

"There's something I want to tell you guys."  the wine had loosened my
tongue, and lulled me into a comfort zone.

"What's that?" Kate said.

"Well, I hope you guys don't mind, but I thought you should know."

"Well, what is it? Spit it out."  Maddie said, obviously under the full
effect of the wine.

"Well, I'm...well...I'm gay."  I said, looking up at them timidly.

"You're WHAT?"

Starting Over
By: Jordan
Chapter 2

"You're WHAT?" Maddie demanded, soaking me with the wine she had just
sipped.

"I'm gay."  I paused for a second, not knowing what to say.  "Are you guys
okay with that?"  I asked, a little apprehensively.

Maddie was still recovering from the shock of my revelation, and sat, lost
in her own silence.  Kate, on the other hand, looked at me with a little
surprise and a sad smile on her face.

"I'm okay with it," she said, "but are you gay, or just bi?"

"I'm gay."  I said, without any hesitation, but a slight suspicion of the
question was building in my mind.  "Why?"

"I was just trying to clarify things." she said, looking away with a look of
disappointment written on her face.

"Is there something else hidden in that question?"  I asked, unsure of her
answer.

"Well, yeah, but it's no big deal." she said, smiling.

"Maddie?"

Maddie just stared straight ahead, and then lifted her glass, and downed
half a glass of wine.  She obviously had some troubles accepting that I was
gay.
"Maddie."  I said for a second time.

She looked up at me with pensive eyes.

"Yes Sebastian?"

"Are you okay with this?"

"Well, I don't really have a choice now, do I."  she said with a bitter
tongue, and daggers flying from her mouth.

"What bothers you about it?"  I asked, trying to smooth things over.

"The fact that you're gay.  That's what bothers me.  I'm glad you found a
place to stay, because otherwise you would soon be living on the streets.  I
did not tell your mother that I would house and feed a queer.  So, tomorrow,
you will gather your things, and depart from my house."  she said, looking
me straight in the eyes.

My bottom lip started to tremble, and my mind started clouding over.  I was
in total shock that a woman whom I had trusted and lived with for the past
few days could find such cold, hard things to say.  It was totally against
her nature, but it was obvious that she was serious, and meant what she had
said.  I unconsciously motioned to the waiter to bring the bill.

During the few minutes that it took for the waiter to bring the bill, I had
come to the brink of loosing my composure.  Only Kate kept me from falling
over that cliff, into the dark abyss of chaos with her calm demeanour.  I
paid the bill, and stood to leave.  We all got to the car, without a word
being said amongst us.  Kate unlocked the doors, and we returned to our
seating arrangements from our trip to the bistro, with Kate driving, Maddie
in the back seat, and me in the passenger's seat.

I collapsed into my chair, and looked straight ahead.  My whole world seemed
to be crumbling around me.  It had only been my second coming out, and one
of the people that I had expected would support me, had disowned me.  Would
my parents do the same when I told them?  Should I even tell them?  My mind
was filled with these questions, crying out for answers.  I felt my eyes
filling up with the warm waters that searched to be released.  My body
started to tremble, and I knew there was no possible way for me to hold them
back.  As we started driving, the first tears spilled over my eyelashes,
like the first few warning drops before the monsoon.

We drove swiftly through the city, but it seemed an eternity to me.  No
words were spoken, but the electricity in the car was enough for us all.
The only sounds heard were those of the passing traffic, the engine, and my
now incessant crying.  Kate looked over to me, with sympathy on her face,
and a look of anger growing in her eyes.  She turned her eyes back to the
road, and pressed harder on the accelerator.  The streets were fairly empty,
allowing us to move faster and faster as Kate increased her pressure once
again on the gas peddle.

"Kate, slow down."  Maddie's slurred words came from the backseat, bringing
forth more tears from my eyes.

"Why?" Kate asked, with a raised voice.

"Because you'll hurt someone."  Maddie said.

"I"LL hurt someone?  You should be the one to talk!  Look what you did to
Sebastian!  He opened up to us.  He trusted us.  He obviously hasn't done
this many times before, otherwise he would not be this upset by your
rejection.  He looked to you and to me in a time of need and you turned him
down.  You basically told him that he was worth shit, and you tell ME  that
I'M going to hurt somebody!  I never thought I'd see the day when this would
come, but mom, for the first time in my life, I'm ashamed of you.  I'm
ashamed to be your daughter, and I'm ashamed to be a part of your life.  As
of tomorrow, I will also be packing my stuff, and moving out."  Kate spat
out, releasing the pent up anger built inside of her.

"Kate..."  I said weakly, placing my hand upon her arm.

She lifted her foot off of the accelerator, slowing the car.

"Kate, you don't have to do this.  This is my fight, not yours, and I'll
make it on my own."  I said, not wanting to break up a family.

We arrived at the house and exited the car, once again in silence except for
my somewhat silent sobbing.  Maddie stumbled out of the car, still heavily
affected by the wine.  After Kate unlocked the door, and stepped inside, I
pushed passed her, and made my way hurriedly up to my room.

I found no solace in the mountains above my bed, nor in the keys of my lap
top, in which I had often written thoughts and feelings in the form of
stories and poems.  No poetic thoughts or inclinations were in my head, only
sadness, loneliness and grief.  I threw myself onto my bed, my head hitting
the pillows with a welcomed embrace.  The evening and day had exhausted me,
but I knew there would be no rest for me tonight, my thoughts were too loud
and the visions of rejection too vivid in my mind.

I cried for an hour and a half, listening to a one sided argument coming
from downstairs.  Kate obviously had the upper hand.  I somehow found the
strength to stand up, swaying a little bit from the affects of the rush of
blood from my head.  I walked around the room, pulling things into the
centre to start my undesired task.  I was leaving the only familiar place to
me in the city.

I continued crying as I placed item after item into my suitcases, zipped
them up, and placed the full suitcases on the ever growing pile by the door.
  As I looked around at the seemingly empty room, a sense of déjà vu came
over me.  Not yet a week had past since I had completed this same ritual
while leaving my childhood home.  The same sense of starting over once more
came upon me, lifting me somewhat.  These unexpected emotions strengthened
me, and the tears dried up in my eyes, being replaced by slight anger and
betrayal.  My heart and mind were beginning to become hardened towards
Maddie.  She had betrayed a trust I had placed upon her, and shunned me from
her life.  I in turn would do the same, I thought to myself, as I heard
footsteps coming up the stairs.  Lost in my thoughts, I had not noticed that
the angered voice from downstairs had ceased it's berating of the person
whom had conceived her.

A knock came on my door, as the footsteps stopped outside of my door.

"Who is it?"  I said in a weak, but determined voice.

"It's me." an even weaker response came from the other side.

"Come in."

The handle slowly made it's way to the right, and the door opened a sliver.
Slowly, and ponderously the door came open, exposing a defeated looking
woman on the other side.  Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and her
cheeks were still damp from the waterfalls that had been conceived in her
eyes.  Her face was red from the anger she had been expressing for close to
two and a half hours now.

She just stood in the hall, looking to me for some kind of recognition.

"Come in."  I said, still not giving her the recognition she wanted or
deserved, but I was still adjusting to the events of the day.

"I'm so sorry Sebastian."  she sobbed out, her body trembling from the
convulsions brought on by the crying.

"It's not your fault Kate.  It's your mother's generation.  They're almost
all like that.  I just hope my parents will be a bit better about it when,
if, I tell them."  I said, walking over to her and pulling her into my arms.
  I found it odd that it was me who was doing the comforting, but I suppose
we both had reasons to need to be comforted.  She cried on my shoulder,
soaking my shirt with her salty tears.

"Kate, why are you taking this so hard?"  I asked, walking her over to the
couch.

"I don't know.  I guess I'm just mad at my mother."  she said, again looking
away from me when affronted with a question that could reveal something to
me.  She was trying to evade me once more, but I needed to know what was on
her mind.

"Kate, there is obviously something else than that. You haven't looked me in
the eye since dinner.  What is it?  Can you not accept that I'm gay either?"
  I pulled away from her slightly, my voice starting to rise.

"No!  No, it's nothing like that. I just...well..I just, I just...ah!  I
can't tell you right now."  she said, still not revealing herself to me.

"Kate, I need to know, otherwise I can't be your friend.  I refuse to be
friends with someone who can not accept who I am."  I said, still suspecting
that she had a problem with my sexual preference.

"Sebastian, I do accept that you are gay, and I'm fine with it.  There's
just something else."  she said in a weak voice, looking down at the ground.

"What is it?  Please, Kate.  I can't help but wonder if you're speaking
truthfully.  Please put my mind at ease and tell me what it is that is
preventing you from looking me in the eye when we speak."  I pleaded with
her, trying to bring forth the reason that she had looked me in the eye but
once during the time that had elapsed since dinner.

She looked up to me, and for the second time looked me in the eye.

"Sebastian, I think I'm falling for you."  she said, revealing herself to
me.

I smiled unconsciously, and started to chuckle.  My chuckle soon turned into
a full blown belly laugh, and I started to lean on the bed for support.
Kate looked up to me at first hurt, but the hurt soon receded to confusion
and then to laughter.  She was soon laughing just as loudly as I was.  My
jaw ached, and my abs hurt from the effort, yet I could not control my
laughter.  I loused my grip on the bed, and tumbled to the floor.

We continued laughing, until neither one of us could breathe, and our cheeks
were once again covered with tears.  We sat up, and looked up at each other.

"I'm sorry."  I said "I don't know why I found it so funny.  It must be the
fact that you haven't had too many boyfriends, and the one guy you finally
have some real feelings for is gay."

"You really know how to make a person feel pathetic, don't you." she said,
keeping a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry, but it's still pretty funny.  Kinda reminds me of that song by
Alanis Morisette, Ironic.  `Don't 'cha think?'"  I added, trying to bring
more humour to the situation.

Kate chuckled a little, before her eyelids started to droop.

"I think it's time for me to go to bed."  she said through a yawn.

I looked at my watch and noticed that it was three in the morning.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."  I said, yawning.

"Good night, Seb."  Kate said, standing from her position on the couch and
making her way to the door.

"You to, Kate, you to."  I said to her back as she left my room.

I laid myself down on the bed, and stared at the ceiling.  Thoughts were
still wandering my mind, but my exhaustion soon took over, and I fell asleep
in my clothes.

		*		*		*		*		*

I awoke with the sun shining on my face.  I was happy.  Laying there on my
bed, with the golden rays of sunshine caressing my face, warming it with
it's healing strength. As I looked around the room, and noticed the pile of
suitcases by the door, the memories of the night before came flooding back
to me, reversing any effect the had had on me.  The warm rays now seemingly
mocked me, with their merry dispositions.

I walked to the bathroom, and fixed my hair and clothing.  I was still clad
in yesterday's clothes, but I didn't care.  My only wish was to rid myself
of this house, and one of it's inhabitants.  A thought finally struck me.
Where was I going to live?  My house wouldn't be ready until the first of
September, and it was still the 27th of August.

I used the upstairs phone to reserve a room for a week in a Best Western and
to call for a cab.  I started to make my way down the stairs with my first
load of luggage, dreading the confrontation I would inevitably have to face
with Maddie.  I slowed my pace, as I arrived on the first landing of the
staircase.  My mind drifted back to the words that Maddie had said last
night, the pain caused by those words starting to be revived, yet the words
spoken by Kate soothed me.

I reached the bottom step with my first set of luggage in tow, and placed it
by the front door.  I looked around, reminiscing on my arrival here, a
joyous occasion. I did not relish the fact that I would soon be leaving this
place, only the fact that I would soon be leaving Maddie.  Kate stood in the
doorway to the kitchen, her back to me.  I smiled, thinking of how she had
made a stand for me last, although I regretted having broken the strong
mother-daughter bond that had been there.

I went back up the steps to get the rest of my luggage.  I had twenty
minutes until the cab would be here, and I didn't know what to do to avoid
Maddie.  I slowly made my way down the stairs once more, for the last time.
I made my way into the kitchen, with my hands in my pockets, and my head
tilted downwards.  Kate sat at the kitchen table, still clad in her pyjamas.

I slid into the seat opposite her, receiving no acknowledgement.  I looked
at her sullen expression for a few minutes, trying to get her attention, but
unwilling to break the silence that surrounded us.

"So you're leaving, huh."  Kate said, finally acknowledging me.

"Well, I didn't really have a choice, did I?"  I said, wondering why she had
said that.  She had been there at dinner last night, when Maddie had handed
out my punishment.

"I know, I'm leaving too.  I can't live in this house anymore.  At least not
while SHE's here."  Kate said, putting extra emphasis on the hatred she
still harboured for her mother.

"Where will you go?"  I asked, wondering if she already had arranged a place
to stay.

"With you."  she said, giving me a cheeky smile.

"What?"  I said, surprised at her answer.

"Would you mind?  I mean you've got that whole place to yourself.  Wouldn't
you like a room mate?"  I hadn't really thought of it before, but the idea
was appealing.  Kate had quickly become the best friend I had left at home.

"I don't think I'd mind at all."  I said, after mulling the idea over in my
mind for a couple seconds.

"Good, then I'll go start my packing."  she said, getting up from the table,
and heading out of the kitchen.

I sat alone once more, looking over the small backyard.  The memory of Matt
playing with the small dog danced in front of my eyes, springing up fresh
wells of tears for my brother that never got the chance at a full life.  As
the tears silently fell, I felt a presence enter the room.  I rubbed my
eyes, clearing away the vision along with the tears.  Maddie stood behind
the counter, making some sort of meal or snack.

I stood to leave, not wanting to be around her any longer than possible.
The cab would soon be arriving.

"Sebastian."  she called, as I neared the exit of the room.

I turned around, with no expression showing on my face, yet a fire burning
inside of me.

"Sebastian, can we talk?"  she asked.

"What's there to talk about?" I said, turning on my heel and starting up the
stairs.  As I reached the top, a knock came on the front door.  I made my
way back down the stairs and opened the door.

"Someone call for a cab?"  a short, middle aged man asked.

"Yeah, I did. Can you take these out to the cab?"  I asked, motioning to the
pile of luggage beside the door.

"Sure." he said, entering to retrieve the first bag.

I went up stairs to say my good byes to Kate, even though she would soon be
moving in with me.

"Kate?"  I called through her closed door.

"Yeah?"  she asked, opening the door.

"I'm going now.  I'll be at the Best Western down the road.  Are you gonna
come stay there until our place is ready?  Or are you gonna stay here?"  I
asked, trying to work out the details of what was going to be happening.

"I'm gonna stay at a friends' place for a couple days, until the place is
ready."  she said.

I nodded, showing that I understood, and then leaned in to give her a quick
hug.  My feelings were mixed as to leaving.  I didn't want to leave the only
friend I had in Toronto, but I was glad I was leaving the house.

"I'll see you in a few days then?" I asked.

"No, I'll see you tomorrow night.  We're going downtown, remember, the gig I
told you about?"  she stated, reminding me of our plans.

"Right, well is there a number I can reach you at?"  I asked, not wanting to
loose contact.

"I'll call your hotel and get them to put me through to your room."  she
said, leaning against her door frame.

"Okay, well I'll see you later then."  I said, turning to go down the
stairs.

Awaiting me at the bottom was Maddie.  She obviously had something to say.

"What is it Madison?" I asked, obviously not thrilled at the idea of
speaking to her.

"Is there nothing I can say to make you forgive me?  Some way to make you
see that I didn't mean what I said last night?" she asked.

The thought had never occurred to me that perhaps it was because of the
alcohol she had consumed last night that had made her act so rashly.
"No Maddie.  You obviously meant what you said, and I can't be around
someone who thinks like that."  I said.

"It was the alcohol talking.  I don't drink, usually."  she said, trying to
make excuses for herself.

"Maddie, the thoughts obviously had to come from somewhere inside of you.
The alcohol just made it easier for you to express yourself. Face it Maddie,
you're nothing but a hypocritical old woman.  You act like your life is
wonderful, but it's just an act.  There are things beyond your control in
life, deal with them." I said, releasing a small portion of the animosity
that had built up inside of me.

I turned away from her, and walked outside. I walked beside the rose bed,
the last petals falling as I walked by, as if in salutation.  They signified
many things for me that day: a dead friendship, a betrayal, and a beginning
chapter in the history of my life.

		*		*		*		*		*

To be continued..

E-mail: wmj29@hotmail.com