Date: Sun, 11 Mar 2001 20:04:22 -0800 From: w j Subject: Starting Over-Chapter 4 Disclaimer: I don't know any of the members of NSync, nor do I imply anything as to their true sexual identity. This story is all fiction, a creation of my imagination. This in no way relates to their real life personalities. If you are under the legal age where you live to be reading this story, then leave. If you are offended by M/M relationships, then I suggest you do the same, but know that you need to open your mind to things other than things that you like. Note: Hi, sorry it took me so long to get this one out, I've had a lot of work to do lately. I'll try to be faster next time. Tell me what you think, what needs to be changed, added or taken away. I need someone else's opinion to make the story more enjoyable for others. e-mail me at wmj29@hotmail.com. I'd like to thank Jason, Joey, DaraLynn, Adam and SmilieJoe. You guys have helped me a lot. Thanks. Enjoy the story. Jordan Last Time: The warm cab relaxed us even more, and we both slouched in the seats. Again Justin yawned, obviously exhausted. We arrived at his hotel, minutes later. I paid the cabby, and stepped out. "I thought we agreed I would pay for the next thing." he said, annoyed that I once again paid. "Yeah well, I lied." I said, with a big grin. "Hurry up, it's cold out here." I said, trying to get him to get out of the cab faster. "You're such a baby." "Yeah well.." I was silenced as a pair of soft, warm lips covered mine, expelling the chill from my body. Chapter four: Starting Over by: Jordan The kiss was a scintillating new experience for me, warming every crease, joint and pour in my body. My mind was on cloud nine, and my heart was racing to the beat of an invisible drum. It created a thumping in my ears, drowning out every other sound around us. The traffic, the distant siren, the light wind that whistled it's foreboding tune in my ears...all just disappeared. I was still in a state of surprise, but my hands somehow ended up on his jacket covered back, massaging and caressing the soft skin that lay beneath, covering his defined muscles. I ran one hand up to the back of his neck, caressing it, and then playing with the curly silken tendrils of hair that hung down. Our lips performed their passionate dance, never ceasing in their gentle motions, arousing emotions of love and lust in my heart. I slowly and reluctantly pulled back, knowing full well the consequences for Justin if we were caught by anyone. I looked deep into his eyes for some sort of emotion and saw the same things I felt: love, lust and passion. A smile crossed my face, while my body went weak from the pleasure. It's funny how such a blissful moment such as this can make you so incredibly tired, when it ought to energise you. The bliss cleared my head for a minute, but that minute didn't last long, as thoughts and questions entered my mind. Does he really feel the same way as I do? How could he? He doesn't even know me, we met like three hours ago. Still, there was something in that kiss, wasn't there? Justin turned abruptly, seeing the puzzled look in my eyes, and headed towards the entrance. "Justin..." I called after him. "Yes?" he asked, only half turning around. "Where are you going?" I asked, wondering why he was leaving so abruptly. "Up to my room." he said. "Why?" I asked, confused. "Because I just made a fool of myself." he responded, starting to turn back in the direction of the door. "What? How did you do that?" I asked, really confused this time. "I kissed you, and you obviously don't share the feelings I have. So that constitutes making a fool of myself," he said, heading to the door. I stood, shocked. What just happened? Why am I not moving? Why am I not trying to talk to him? MOVE! My mind screamed out at me for motion, but my feet stood fast, attached to the cement by some unknown force. My roots finally gave way, as my tree like stance broke, and I ran up the stairs, stopping right before the door, just as Justin opened it. Justin looked at me, with small, glistening tears in his eyes, and his head held low. "Don't go. I do share your feelings, I'm just kind of surprised at how strong you came on. Plus I'm kinda feeling...um... what do you call it? Star struck?" I said. "Oh, well, I guess I just made a fool of myself again." Justin said, wiping a tear from his eye. "It's just a little fast for me. You're the closest thing I've had to a boyfriend, so I don't really know how to do this." I said, trying to get out the reasons for not saying something or doing something. "Oh. Well I haven't had any experience either, so I guess it's kinda like the blind leading the blind then." he said, starting to get his heart warming smile on his face once more. What a face, those deep blue eyes, that adorable little nose, his baby like skin, and all framed with a halo of golden curls, giving him a definite angelic aura. "Does this mean you want a relationship?" I timidly asked, lowering my eyes, so I couldn't look him in the eyes. "Yes, but this isn't the place to talk about it. It's cold, and we're out in the public. Do you want to go up to my room?" he asked, naively. "Okay." I said, wondering if there was anything else besides a discussion behind the invitation. We walked into the hotel, just as J.C. and Lance were going up to their rooms from the restaurant in the lobby. Justin quickly walked in another direction, pulling me with him and almost making me fall over. "What the..." I said, only having gotten a glimpse of Lance and J.C. "I'm just not ready to tell them, yet." he said. "Oh, well that's fine, I know what it's like. Don't worry about it." I said, trying to reassure him, but he still looked apprehensive. "What is it?" I asked, taking one of his hands in mine. The flesh was warm and soft. It felt so good to hold it, cradle it in my hands. He looked down at our hands and smiled, his angelic face lighting up. "I just wasn't sure how they'd handle you being around, no one's ever brought a `friend' that they just met up to their room before, but I don't really care anymore, we need to talk." he said, starting to head in the direction of the elevators. As we stepped inside, Chris looked up at us. "Hey there, Just, who's this?" Chris asked, motioning towards me. "This is Sebastian, I met him at a club. Seb, this is Chris." he said, introducing us. I extended my hand to shake Chris's hand. Chris hesitated for a second, but eventually offered his own hand. I could sense a distrust in Chris. "You do remember we're performing tomorrow, right Just?" Chris asked "You have to get some sleep, not like that concert in Detroit last week where you didn't even go to bed. Christ, you barely pulled that one off. Get some sleep." Chris said, obviously concerned about Justin. Justin just smiled and said: " I will, don't worry Chris." "Why are you here anyway?" Chris asked me, with contempt in his voice. "I..." I started. "He's here because I want him here." Justin said, sensing the malice in Chris's voice and taking the defensive. "Okay, well he can't stay for long." Chris said, starting to glare at me. "Where the Hell do you get off telling me or him how long he can stay? He'll stay until he's ready to go." Justin said, raising his voice. "Where do I get off telling you? Well, in case you haven't noticed, you haven't exactly been a part of the group lately, going off to bars and coming back drunk. Not going to bed and then performing like shit the next day. Justin, it's not just your life you're messin' with here, it's mine and the other guys' too. So get your head out of your ass and look around. Where are your friends? Do you even talk to J.C. anymore? You two used to be best friends, inseparable, now look at you, when was the last time you two spoke?" Justin looked stunned, he wasn't sure how to answer the question. I longed to help him, but I thought it best to stay out of it. He looked around for support, and I hated not being able to help him. I wished I had some say in the matter, but I knew I had none. A small well of tears started to form in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a gasp. The door opened, and Chris left. "I'm so sorry, Justin." I said, walking over to him. "I didn't know what to do." "It's okay," he said, "I had that coming." he leaned back against the elevator wall and closed his eyes. I felt awkward just standing there in silence, while he leaned against the wall and thought. I slowly inched closer to him, and lifted his chin with my right hand. Slowly, I brought my face close to his, our breaths mixing and becoming one. Our lips touched delicately at first, and then the gentle, consoling kiss turned into a passionate embrace, our tongues plunging and stroking, while our hands roamed each other's backs and necks. "Justin.." I panted out. "Mmmm, Sebastian..." Justin moaned out. "Justin, we...we...we have to stop." I said, pulling back slightly. Justin looked disappointed. "We just have to stop for now, we can't do this in the elevator, what if Lance or someone were to come out and see us?" I said, trying to explain my reasoning. "Okay, I guess we should get out of the elevator then." he said, stepping out of the elevator. I followed Justin down the hall. It was just as any other fancy hotel hallway, nice carpets, paintings of anonymous artists hanging on the walls, the less than normal light reflecting off their glass of the frames. We came to s stop outside one of the rooms. "Here we are." Justin said, getting out his key card to open the door. As the heavy door swung open, we made our way in. The room was a nice one, yet typical. A queen size bed in the middle of the room, with a TV in front of it on top of a dresser. A mirror hung above the bed, and a table and two chairs stood in the corner beside a door out onto a small balcony. An overstuffed arm chair sat in another corner, piled high with bags and clothes. I made my way over to the table and took a seat in one of the chairs. Justin followed me over to the table and sat down in the other chair. He slouched and looked at his feet, tapping his knuckles on the table as he pondered problems and issues that had surfaced in his life. "A penny for your thoughts." I said, pawning off the famous line from Casablanca. "I was just thinking about...stuff." he said dismissively. "Justin, you're gonna have to do better than that." I said, trying to pry into his thoughts. "Well, I don't know. You're not going to understand." he said, again trying to shake off my inquisitions. "Justin if you want a relationship you're gonna have to learn to trust me. Without trust there is nothing, not even friendship." I said, playing my trump card. "Well, I was just thinking whether or not we should have a relationship." he said with a sigh. "I mean, I really like you and all, but I'm on tour, we'll never be able to see each other. Don't you have a job or school or something that you need to do?" "I don't have a job, I was gonna get a student loan once my money ran out. I do have classes, they start next week. I see your point, but I don't think I'm ready to pass this up just yet. I had never felt anything more than lust for another guy before I met you, Justin. I've never been interested in having a relationship with anyone before." I said, letting him know where I stood. "Justin, I'm willing to follow these feelings if you are, but I won't, if you don't want to." I said, trying to come to some decision about where we were. "It's not that I don't want to, but I just don't know how it could work. We leave in a day or two. What happens then?" he asked. "I don't know, but that isn't going to happen for a day or two. Let's try and work on now, and worry about later, later," I said, not wanting to think of him leaving. "Okay, well what do we talk about then?" he asked. "Well, I pretty much know what you like and don't like from things I've seen on TV. I've basically got a good idea of what kind of a person you are, well in public anyway. Is there anything you want to know about me?" "What about your family? Brothers or sisters? Are your parents together or divorced, like mine?" he spat out at once, family obviously being an important aspect in his life. "Whoa! Let's see, my mom and dad got a divorce when I was like one, so I don't remember it, they've always been apart to me. My mom remarried when I was four, and my dad married when I was five. I really like my step mom, she's cool, she likes the same kind of music I do, except she doesn't like rap, she loves you guys though," I said with a cheesy grin. "My step dad's another story. I can't stand him. He's a nice guy and all, but I just find his mannerisms and personality extremely irritating. He drives me nuts." I paused for a second and then went on, with a hint of sadness in my voice. "As for brothers and sisters, I am now an only child." "What do you mean: you are now an only child?" he asked, confused. "My little brother...he..he died a year and a half ago," tears were now running once again down my cheeks, like warm honey running down the side of the jar. Justin stood up, and walked over to the bed. "Come here," he said, motioning for me to join him. I stood up, tears still streaming, and made my way over to the bed. I sat down beside him, and looked into his deep blue eyes. I was lost in the depths of his soul as I looked in them. "Lie down," he said "on your side." I did as I was ordered, placing my head on he pillow, and facing the balcony. My tears had stopped, but the evidence was still there. My body still shuddered slightly as I breathed in. I felt Justin move, and then I felt a warm pair of arms around me, and a head next mine. He held me, his body pressed against mine, warming me and comforting me. Somehow, he seemed to know what I needed. My body relaxed, and I started to drift off to sleep. "Thank you," I said, as I closed my eyes, and fell asleep. * * * * * I awoke the next morning to the sound of a shower running, and a glorious voice singing. The sounds of a soft melody, one which I had heard so many times before on the radio, on TV and on my stereo, drifting out to me. "...this I promise you," he sang as he finished the song. A smile formed on my lips, wondering why he had decided to sing that song this morning. I got up off the bed, still fully clothed, minus my shoes and socks. I made my way over to the balcony door, and pushed it open. A blast of cool, crisp air hit me, causing me to shiver. I stepped out onto the balcony and looked over the awakening city. The day was still young, but the burgeoning city was at full capacity as the impatient drivers made their daily commute to work. There was a light smog forming, distorting the rays of the sun and creating pastel coloured air. Goose bumps were forming on my arms, and the hairs on my arms were standing to attention. A shiver went down my spine, but still I did not move. The serenity of looking down on a busy city and knowing that there was nowhere you were supposed to be or anything you had to do was amazing. So caught up in the city and watching the passers by was I, that I didn't notice the other pair of feet stepping out onto the deck until I was encircled by a pair of lean, yet muscled arms. Kisses covered the back of my neck and the scene was complete. I had everything I needed or ever wanted: a boyfriend I adored and who adored me, and a beautiful setting. What more could a person ask for? I was happy, for the first time in my life I was truly happy. I turned around and smiled at the object of my affection. His hair was slightly damp and the tight curls glistened in the sunlight. He smiled, but I could tell he wasn't quite awake yet even after his shower. "Good morning, Seb," Justin whispered, as he pushed our foreheads together. "Morning Just," I said still slightly groggy from my sleep. "Are you hungry?" he asked. "Ya, I can't function in the morning without something to eat and a shower. What did you have in mind?" I asked. "Well, the guys and I usually eat in someone's room. Usually Lance's, `cause he's the tidiest and the most responsible. Does that sound okay?" he asked, hopefully. "I guess." I said, doubtfully. "What do you mean: I guess?" he asked, wondering why I was so unsure. "Well, it just means I have to go back to acting straight." I said, revealing why I wasn't too keen on going to breakfast with the other guys of NSync. "You don't have to act straight. After last night, I decided I'm coming out to them this morning." he said with a big, but nervous grin on his face. "What?! That's a big decision, are you sure?" I asked, not wanting him to get hurt because he felt he owed me something. He sat down in the white, plastic deck chair and replied: "I'm sure. Last night, when I held you, and you fell asleep in my arms, it just felt so right. It was like I had finally found something to hold onto in my chaotic life. You don't get attached to many things when you tour, you're constantly moving from place to place. Do you remember when I told you that when I wasn't busy I got depressed because I started thinking about things? Well, last night I thought a lot about things. Mostly about you and me, and there wasn't a single depressing thought in my mind. It's as though you've liberated me from a vicious cycle that I haven't been able to break myself from." I was amazed at the emotions and thoughts he was revealing to me. "I don't know what to say," I said after a pause. "Do you really feel that way?" "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't," Justin said. "I'll be there for you when you tell them," I said, happy I could at least be there for him. "How do you think they'll react?" I sat down in his lap, and leaned back. "I'm not too sure. Chris didn't really seem to like the thought of you coming up to my room last night, so I'm worried about him. JC's always been there for me, so he'll probably be all right. Joey'll be cool, he's got friends that are gay and stuff so it shouldn't bother him. Lance though, he's kinda religious. He'll probably be the hardest to win over." Justin said with a sigh. "I'll be there for you Justin, always remember that," I said, trying to calm his worries. I turned around slightly in his lap, and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. He returned the gesture, pulling me closer to him. I pulled back slightly and smiled. "I'd better go brush my teeth before I kill you with my morning breath. Can I use your tooth brush?" I asked. Justin just chuckled softly, nodding. The phone rang while I was in the bathroom. I could hear Justin's voice speaking inaudible words. I fixed my hair, and tried to straighten my clothes. I looked like shit. There was no way around it. My hair looked all right, as I had used Justin's gel and comb, but my face was pasty and my clothes rumpled. I had a day's worth of growth on my chin, and my eyes were still slightly closed. I left the bathroom to find Justin relaxing on the bed, watching TV. "You guys don't get MTV up here do you?" Justin asked, flipping through the channels. "I don't know. You might be able to get it here, but where I used to live, we didn't. You can get MuchMusic though, it's basically the same thing," I said, walking towards him. "Do you have some clothes I can wear? I look like shit." "You look just fine to me, but if you want to, my bags are over there, go ahead and pick out some stuff. The guys are gonna laugh though. They know what my clothes look like," Justin said, slightly laughing. "How much time do I have?" I asked, rummaging through his bag. "About a half an hour," he said. "Oh SHIT!" I said, grabbing the first outfit I could get my hands on. "What?" Justin said in surprise. "It takes me at least forty minutes to get ready. I'll never be ready that soon," I said, worried about being late. "Do you need some help?" Justin asked, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. "Maybe some other time. Somehow I think your `help' might make me take longer," I said, laughing and rushing off to the bathroom. I could hear Justin laughing as I closed the bathroom door. A familiar tune popped into my head, and I started humming it as I turned on the shower. It's funny how going into the shower always makes me want to sing. I'm sure I was the only person my age that knew or liked this song or singer, but it was still one of my favourites. " ...Des yeux qui font baiser les miens....Quand-t-il me prends dans ses bras..." I sung the famous Edith Piaf song La Vie en Rose. My mother had loved her music, and had instilled this love in me. I had attended a French immersion school as a child, so I was able to sing, understand and speak French easily, and the sultry tones of Edith's voice sent a tremor through me. her words of love and tenderness just seemed the ideal way of life, and now I had found something she sang about. Was it true? Could I really be falling in love with Justin so quickly? It seemed as though I was, but how could it happen so fast? I've heard of love at first sight and all of that, but I had never really believed in it. Lust at first sight, but not love. Lust was something you had to have physically and love was something you developed over time. I suppose it was a mix of both. I needed Justin to physically be there, but not sexually. I also needed Justin in some emotional way, but was not love something you developed, and not just got all of a sudden? Who knows, but what I felt was not lust, but more than infatuation. I stepped out of the bathroom, dressed, coiffed, clean, and awake. Justin sat on the bed, and looked up at me in surprise and amazement. "How come you didn't tell me you could sing so well?" he asked. "Because I can't," I said. "Well, I'd beg to differ. You speak French?" he asked, with an expression of not quite awe, but more like respect and wonder. "Ya, I learned starting when I was five. I went to school in French," I said, smiling, with a slight blush in my cheeks caused by the reaction Justin gave me. "Can you say something in French for me?" he requested with a child like glee. "What do you want me to say?" I asked, not knowing exactly what he wanted me to say. "Something you're feeling," he said, waiting for me to speak. "Je t'aime avec tout mon coeur et tout mon esprit. Jamais est-ce qu'on se sépara." I said, revealing my true emotions to him, knowing he would not understand. "That sounds so romantic. What did you say?" he asked. "Something, I'll tell you when I'm ready," I said, not sure I was ready to tell him how I felt, afraid of being hurt when he had to leave. "That is so not fair! I wish I had something I could do that you couldn't, that way there'd be something to even us out," he said, annoyed that I had something he didn't. He had obviously been spoiled as a child, but not to the extent where he was obnoxious. "You do have something you can do that I can't. You can sing like and angel, and make people scream their heads off when you walk out of a door. Nobody has ever done that for me, except when I walked in on my mom and step dad having sex when I was six." "Okay, well, you can still sing pretty well. Ready to go?" he asked, looking down at his watch. "Yep. How do your clothes look on me?" I asked, wondering if his clothes suited me. "They look great. You look great." he said, closing the door behind us and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thanks, but do you think they'll really laugh when they see I'm wearing your clothes?" I asked, starting to get a little nervous about meeting the rest of the guys. "They might, but who really cares. Besides, they'll be too occupied with my revelation." he said, nervously. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" I asked, concerned for him. "Yes," he said simply, knocking on Lance's door. "Come in," we heard from the other side of the door. We walked in together. Everyone was already there. Chris sat in the corner, a plate of food in his hand, and a scowl on his face as he saw me. JC was sitting on the couch, a plate of food in his hands, watching TV. Joey came up and greeted us, as Lance sat at the table and ate. "Hi, I'm Joey," Joey said, offering me his hand. "Nice clothes." "Thanks, I'm Sebastian. Nice to meet you," I said, blushing slightly at the mention of my clothes. "Come on in. There's some food over there, well there's a bit left. Justin, your cereal is over there." Joey said, pointing to the dresser and counter top. Lance's room was different from Justin's. He had a bedroom off of a sitting room and a small counter in one corner where there was a coffee pot that only produced about three cups of coffee at a time. I looked at Justin for reassurance before moving into the room more. I sat down on the part of the couch that was the furthest away from Chris. JC sat at the other end of the couch. "I'm JC," JC said, wiping off his hand on his jeans and then extending it towards me. "I'm Sebastian, nice to meet you," I said, mimicking the performance I had put on when I had first arrived. "That's Lance sitting at the table over there, you just met Joey, and you already know Justin by the looks of things. That's Chris over there, although he seems to have already met you from the look on his face. What did you do?" he asked, looking for a reason for his friend's annoyance. "I went up to Justin's room with him last night," I said, wondering why he was still mad at me. "That's it? He must be PMSing or something. Don't worry about it. Why are you wearing Justin's clothes?" JC asked, a confused look on his face. "I spent the night in his room last night. It was an unplanned thing, so I didn't have any clothes or anything with me, and I didn't want to wear my day old clothes to meet you guys," I said, glad he wasn't laughing. "Oh, okay. Sorry for asking, I was just curious," JC said. He was a really nice guy, I could see why him and Justin were such good friends. "Seb, can I talk to you for a sec?" Justin asked, putting his cereal back down on the counter. I got up and walked to him. We went into Lance's bedroom, and shut the door. "What's up?" I asked, seeing his expression. "I'm gonna tell them now. Can you stand with me?" he asked, a pleading look in his eyes. "Of course." I said, giving him a kiss. "You ready?" I asked, putting my hand on the door knob. "Yes," he said, with a determination in his voice. I opened the door, to be greeted by four pairs of prying eyes. They questioned silently, searching our expressions for a hint of what had happened. Justin looked up at them and clenched his fists. "Guys, I've got something to tell you," he said, looking around for acknowledgement and to make sure he had everyone's attention. "Well, you know how I haven't really been myself for the past while, how I've been kind of distant? I want to apologise to everyone for the way I've acted. It was really immature and I'm sorry. I just didn't know how else to handle it. I've decided to tell you guys now, because first of all you guys deserve to know. Second of all, because I found something that changes the whole situation. Guys, I'm gay, and Seb is my boyfriend." * * * * * Well? Sorry it took me so long to get out. I'll try to do it faster next time, but you know how it is. Tell me what you think by e-mailing me at wmj29@hotmail.com. Sorry again for the amount of time I took to get this out to you. Take care. Jordan