Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 17:33:38 -0700 From: Denzil Cuddy Subject: Story of my Love installment 6 Wow, part six! Well, due to huge reader response, and several threats of bodily harm from some close friends, I've decided to keep the suspense up a little longer. Sorry, but I think it makes the story a bit more interesting. JC is not dead, I have not decided for sure if I'm going to keep the story going for a lot longer, but hang in there, good things are ahead. Now as usual I do not know any member of Nsync, nor am I affiliated in any way with the group. Don't read this if you shouldn't. Don't get caught if you read it anyway, and don't say I didn't tell you not too. So have fun, and as always reader response is greatly appreciated. Thanks. Oh, this next part of the story will be told from a different point of view for obvious reasons. So, don't get confused. *smiles* Lance The hospital was brightly lit, and had that faintly repugnant smell in the air. It is the smell of the many chemicals used to clean the place. I always associated with sickness though, and therefore find it quite disturbing. I look at the wall, stare into the faintly off white surface and lose myself. I can't think, I can't remember. I don't want to do either, I just want to cease to exist. I want to curl into a ball and cry. I want to scream to the heavens and beat my chest. Instead I sit quietly and stare at the blank wall. An arm is place around my shoulders suddenly and I look over to see who it is connected to. It's Joey. "Hey, Lance, how you holding up buddy?" His eyes are red, and his hair is wild. I'm not sure if this is from crying or just part of his look. "I'm o.k. I just don't want to move. I don't want to breathe or think." I smile faintly at the look of bemused concern that sweeps across his face. He pull me to him. He is hugging me and I can't help it. I cry. The tears are hot and run down my face with a force like nothing I have ever experienced before. I pull him tight and sob into his shoulder. I burrow my face into his shirt, into him. I can't stop the tears and I don't want to. I want to cry, it is my only recourse. "It's o.k. Lance, you know how strong JC is, he will pull through." Joey says. There is no conviction in his voice though. This causes my heart to sink even further. I pull away from his comforting presence. I want to scream, to hit, to hurt. I can't stop myself. "You know how strong he is too Joe! Did you see that hole in his chest!?? Did you see the blood and the look on his face??! I DID! I held his hand and watched as he faded away. You bastard, how dare you tell me how strong he is! Fuck you!" I bolt from the reception area. I run out onto the street and into a media frenzy. There are lights flashing, and people screaming questions at me. Some of them are reporters some are concerned fans. My head spins. "Lance...Lance...Can you tell us anything about JC?" Someone screams from amidst the throng. More lights flash, recording my tear streaked face for posterity. "Lance...Lance...Tell us how you feel?" Someone else screams out. I lose my temper. "Fuck you all! You bastard, you parasites! Can't you just leave us alone, let us hurt in peace!??? Get the hell away from me." I ignore the hostile responses, and hail a cab. I quickly jump in and tell the driver to take me back to the hotel. The tears are still streaming down my face, and I want to be alone in my room, in the dark. I want to cry until living stops hurting so much. We finally get to the hotel, and there is a media circus there as well. I sigh as I open the door and run for the front entrance. I ignore the screamed questions, and screaming fans. I keep running through the lobby and only stop when I reach the elevator. I stand for a moment and then go for the stairs. I run until I feel that my lungs will burst. I finally reach our floor and go running down the hall until I reach my door. I pull out my key card, and slide it through. The little light beeps red. I try several more times until I realize that I have somehow gotten JC's key card. I cringe as I walk to the door. I watch my hand slide the key card, and I hear the little click as the door unlocks. I push it open and walk into the dark space. I flip on the lights and look around at the homogenous room. The bed is made and I go and flop down on it. I pull the pillow to my face and I imagine that I can smell his cologne. I cry alone in the room, snuggled to a pillow. My cell phone rings. It keeps ringing I am just going to ignore it buy it is intruding upon my pain. I grab it and sling it into the wall as hard as I an. It shatter as it impacts and the ringing finally stops. I snuggle back into the pillow and breathe deeply. I finally manage to doze off. Dreaming sweet dreams of JC, and my imagined future. *BAM BAM BAM !!!* I jerk awake as someone pounds on the door to the room. I look around confused for a moment. Then everything come flooding back in and I groan as I pull the pillow back to me. I look at the door with all the animosity that I can muster. "LANCE! Are you in there?" Justin yells from the other side of the door. I think about not answering. I think about just sitting alone in the dark crying into a pillow. I think about punching my fist into the wall into I bleed. I don't do any of these things. "Yeah, what do you want?!" I finally yell at the door. "I want to come in man! I need to talk to you about JC, I've just come from the hospital. Let me in Lance." His voice is calm. It must be good new if Justin is calm. I tell myself as I stand and walk slowly toward the door. I walk slowly dragging my feet, I can not seem to move faster. I see my hand reaching out for the door handle and I am shaking. I finally manage to grasp the handle and turn. Justin is standing there red eyed, and trembling. He grabs me and pulls me into a hug. I start crying again. My eyes burn as I cry on Justin an he cries on me. "Tell me Justin, Tell me." I say at last after crying for a few minutes. I extricate myself from his embrace, and take a step back. He is pale but his face is determined. "He's...he's....in a coma. He lost a lot of blood and has a punctured lung. He is not breathing on his own and they are not sure if he will have brain damage or not if, or when he finally comes around." He is trembling and I am falling. I am on the floor looking up at Justin. He is beside me in a minute and we are in each others arms. We are rocking back and forth, clinging to one another. My heart is broken, but I keep telling myself he is alive. There is a hope. I think it hurts to have this slim hope than to just have it over and done with. "Joey and Chris are downstairs with management talking to the mob of press outside. I couldn't...I just couldn't take it. It hurts." He pulls away and holds his hand to his chest. He is sobbing and his face is red. My heart breaks for him, when I didn't think it could be broken any more. "I know. I know Justin, I hurt too. I just keep seeing it in my mind. I just keep seeing him on the floor, his hand in mine." I am lost in my own thoughts and Justin in his as well. I don't want to move, I don't want to ever move again. "Lance, Justin, come on guys lets get into the room." Chris says as he comes running down the hall. Joey is right behind him. They help Justin and I up and into JC's open door. I find myself sitting on the bed, with Joey's strong arm around me. "Lance...I'm so sorry Lance." He whispers as he strokes my hair. I am crying on his shoulder again. I remember the way I acted in the hospital, and I feel horrible. "I'm so sorry Joey, I don't know why I screamed at you. I'm so sorry." I say into his shoulder. I can hear Justin sobbing and Chris whispering and crying just behind me. "Don't worry about that Lance. Hold on I'll be right back." He jumps up and runs to the bathroom. He comes out with a damp cloth and uses it to wipe my face. The cloth is shockingly cold to my hot flushed skin. I hold it to my eyes as I will the tears to stop. They finally slow and I sit in the silence of the room. "Has anyone called his parents?" Justin asks. "Management has, that was the first thing they did. Then they called your mom curly." "I want to go to the hospital." I blurt out. "Why, what good would it do? Just stay here." Chris says. I look at him. The tears have stopped and I feel slightly in control of myself again. "No, I will not stay here. I am going back to the hospital." I say with determination. "They won't let you in to see him. He is in intensive care. Only family is allowed in." Chris says with a catch in his voice. I suddenly wonder if he had tried to get into to see JC. "I don't care. I want to be as close as I can. I can't stand being here." I choke a bit, but manage not to break down. "I'm with Lance. I want to be at the hospital as well." Justin stands on shaky feet. "O.k. we'll all go back to the hospital, but we will take turns coming back to the hotel to rest and shower. Let's get something to eat first, there is no reason for any of us getting sick." Joey finally says. I start to argue that I want to go now, but I see the look on his face. I nod in agreement. "Uh, guys." Chris finally says, I turn to face him. "I think Lance and Justin had better shower and change." He kind of grimaces as he looks at us. I glance down and see the blood that has dried on my shirt. I see the faintly brown stains on my hands and arms. I shake a little and the tears start again. I nod my head and stand and start toward the door. Justin and the others are right behind me and the door click with a sharp click as we all start to our individual rooms. "Everyone be in my room in thirty minutes. Any one I have to come and look for better be ready for an ass whooping." It is a joke, an attempt to raise our spirits. It falls on deaf ears. It is the wrong time for jokes, and my spirit is a dead thing coiled within me. No one laughs or comes up with a witty retort as we all enter our rooms the silence of the hall becoming unbearable. I close the door behind me and walk over to my bed. I pull my suitcase from under it, and start digging for something to wear. I stumble across a faded blue t-shirt and some old comfortable blue jeans. I walk like a zombie to the bathroom and quickly get into the shower. As the water hits me I feel the tears start again. They just suddenly hit me out of the blue. I am sobbing as I sit on my knees in the stall. The warm water whisks my tears away invisible unfelt. I cry harder. I don't know how long I do this but the water is faintly chilly as I stand and wash my hair. The dried blood has long since washed away, and I stare at my clean hands. I feel empty, alone, lost. I feel useless and powerless. I step out of the shower and quickly dress. I am in the bedroom when I suddenly reach up and grab the silver cross that hangs about my neck. I drop to my knees and begin to pray. I scream to God, and beg him for mercy. I cry and cry as I pray. I feel comforted and slightly better a few minutes later as I stand and go out the door. The hall is empty and I walk quickly to Chris's room. They are sitting around the small table, and there is food. I stare at the food, but can not bring myself to eat any of it. I just can not stomach the thought. No one else is eating either. Chris is just sitting and staring at the food he has ordered as well. I sit in silence with the others. Finally I stand. Everyone looks at me, and I look back. " I am going to the hospital now. Who's coming with me?" Justin stand immediately followed by Joey, and lastly Chris. "Management has made arrangements with the Hospital. We have a room, normally reserved as a break room, for the nurses on the floor. They are just going to use the one two floors up. We each have a cot there. So we can take turns worrying." I am out the door and going down the hall. They are all right behind me and I feel Justin catch up to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I accept the comfort and we pull strength form one another. I feel better just having the short term goal of getting to the hospital. The elevator takes forever, and we finally get down to the lobby. The mob is still there, but a little more sated now that they have had a press conference. The flashes go off none the less and I feel Justin tighten his grip on me. I return the favor and we support each other through this as well. I hear people yelling out questions and just ignore them as I finally make it to the limo and crawl in with Justin, Joey, and Chris right behind. We all sit in our usual places, and JC's vacant seat seems to scream out at me. I imagine him sitting there, talking, laughing, smiling. It hurts to think about but at the same time it helps. I feel comforted just thinking of the gentle vitality and warmth that I always associate with JC. Joey slides his arm around my shoulders, and I lean against him. I feel cold, and it helps to have another person close. In a short time the hospital looms into sight. This great hulking mass of a building. It is imposing and terrifying. I feel small against the austere dignity and strength this place emanates. I feel the smallest tendril of hope in my heart as I look at this impressive place. Maybe...I just keep telling myself maybe it will all be alright. It's been a day and a half. I am sore from sleeping on the cots in the small room set aside for us by the hospital. JC's parents are finally getting in today. I am shocked by it taking them so long but I then recall what JC had told me about their turning away from him. I shudder as I finally see them walking around the corner and coming down the hall. The look like normal people they hide the hate in their hearts rather well. I stand to meet them. "Mr. and Mrs. Chasez, it is a pleasure to meet you." I say as I shake their hands. They have been in to see JC already, which I have not been able to do. "Lance, it's nice to meet you too. We are leaving, in a couple of hours." Mr. Chasez says as he releases my hand. I must have looked shocked and bewildered because he rushes in to explain. "JC is not close to us anymore. We have our own reasons for this, which I assure you are difficult and we are struggling with them. I have talked to the Dr. and he has agreed to let you and the other guys see him on a regular basis. That is the best I can do for JC right now. Take good care of him." With this JC's parents walk out of the hospital and don't return. I am astounded that someone could treat their own child this way. I want to shake them and tell them how horribly stupid they are being. I smile as I think of getting to see JC though, and forgive them somewhat for that small favor. I quickly find Dr. Bennet and make sure it's o.k. to go see JC. He gives me the go ahead and I head for the room. I slowly open the door and the room is brightly lit, and there are several beeping noises. I see him on the bed and my heart stops for a moment. I feel the tears sliding down my face again as I sit in the chair beside the bed and stare at my love. There is an IV in his arm, and a respirator tube down his throat. There are several machines connected to him monitoring his vitals. The beeping is constant and steady. I cry a steady stream and reach out and gently take his hand in mine. His is cold and I feel my heart lurch again. I hold it tight and will my heat my strength into him. I don't know how long I sit here in the small bright room with the steady beeping before I hear the door open. I turn to see Justin walking in. He gasps as he sees JC's pale face. He walks stiffly over to the bed and looks down at his friend. I take Justin's hand in my free one. He clutches it as he kneels down beside the bed. "Oh, JC, I'm so sorry." He says quietly. The tears are sliding down his face too. I stand and pull him into a hug. "Justin, take my seat. I've been here for a while, and I'll let you have some privacy." He nods as he sits in my chair and takes JC's hand in his own. I lean over JC and place a small kiss on his forehead. "I love you, come back to me." I whisper before I turn and flee the room. I walk down the hall the tears causing the world to shimmer and fluctuate around me. I finally find the little room where I have been sleeping. I walk over to Joey who is on his cot and fall beside him. He hugs me immediately as I tell the tale of JC's parents and my visit. He comforts me until I fall asleep. There you go part 6!! I hope you all enjoy and forgive me for the suspense. I needed to make it a bit more interesting though. Sorry! I have a sneaking suspicion that JC is going to pull through. Keep sending that e-mail though!!