Date: Thu, 19 Apr 2001 13:48:53 -0700 (PDT) From: Author James Subject: Tales of a Real Dark Knight Chapter 41 Disclaimer: This story, though maybe not in this chapter but in subsequent chapters, will have celebrities in it. I have no knowledge of their sexuality and this is not intended to imply their sexuality. This is all from my own mind. Scary!! People actually get a glimpse into my mind!!! Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Angel and all related characters created by Joss Whedon. Copyright 20th Century Fox. Batman, and all related characters created by Bob Kane. Copyright DC Comics and Warner Bros. X-MEN, and all related characters created by Stan Lee. Copyright Marvel Comics and 20th Century Fox. Star Trek and all related characters created by Gene Roddenberry. Copyright Paramount Studios. I don't know for sure if I will use all the above elements, but just in case, I have myself covered. In this story, which has been floating around in my head most of my life, you will find many universes merging, as the above copyrights reveal. I hope you all enjoy this. I appreciate any feedback that you may want to give. This story doesn't deal so much with sex, sex, sex, but more of my feelings that I struggled with and am starting to come to terms with. Part of his background is mine. I do hope that you enjoy it!!! Any emails you send, please tell me what chapter you are commenting on. Thanks. jmsotc@yahoo.com Chapter 41 Losing Friends "God, NO!" I screamed. I could not believe what I was seeing. Hunter was hanging from the ceiling. He hanged himself. I looked around and found what the rope was tied to and untied it, slowly letting Hunter down. I checked for a pulse. There was none. The time it took me to look for Brian was all the time it took for Hunter to die. I should have been more concerned about him and not Freeze. Because of that, because of me, Hunter was dead. I looked around and found a letter: To whom it may concern, I'm sure you are going out of your mind seeing my dead body. I'm not sure how you will find me. I've considered this for many weeks now. Should I shoot myself? No. Too messy. What about poison? No. Too painful. Perhaps I will hang myself. Not too messy and not too painful. I do want some pain when I die. You may think that is stupid of me. If you lived with what I've lived with, though, you wouldn't think so. I've been going through treatments that are supposed to cure me of my homosexual desires. They aren't. They are only painful. And Doctor Israel will make it more intense if I tell him it's not working. He honestly believes this will cure all gay people. I'm so tired of being in pain because of whom I fall in love with. Nick is such a wonderful guy, too. Too bad I don't have the courage to tell him how I feel. Maybe if I were more courageous we would both stop going to Dr. Israel for treatments. Then maybe we could be together. But it's not going to happen. I hope he doesn't try to kill himself. If you can get to Nick, do whatever you can to help him reconcile his sexuality. I fear he will end up like me, hanging at the end of a rope, or in a pool of his own blood. Maybe this will be a testament to him and all other gay people of what it's like to continue to strive against ones' self. To my friends I have only this to say, I love all of you. Hailey, Alan, George, Brian, Markus, Regina, Chloe, and Vanessa. Yours always, Hunter I looked up from his letter unbelieving. Dr. Israel drove him to this. The maniac that most people look up to and admire drove my friend Hunter to this. "NO!" I screamed. I heard footsteps tromping down the hallway. It was Kate. "Eric? I heard you scream! Are you...?" Her voice trailed off, as I knew she saw Hunter's body. "My God! What happened?" "I found Hunter...hanging from the ceiling," I managed to get out in choked breaths. "Here's his...suicide...note." I handed her the note trying my hardest to contain my tears. My world was turning around. Two of my good friends are now changed: one dead, the other with a heart of ice. I don't think I could have handled any more shocks. "Doctor Israel caused...this?" she replied after finishing the letter. I nodded. "Come with me. I need to call an ambulance fast." I followed her out the door and down to the gym office where she called 9-1-1. Moments later, a small crowd was gathered outside the fitness building. The paramedics came in and went to the room Hunter's body rested. I just sat there in the office. I felt so empty inside. Kate was with me but I felt so alone. No one understands when someone kills themselves because of their sexuality except a homosexual and transgender person. Because no one has been persecuted due to something they are born with, unless it's someone who has been born seriously deformed. "I need to get the crowd to back up. I'll be back." I watched her go and I began to sob and cry. How could this have happened? Are there still those who profess a "cure" for homosexuals? Evidently. Dr. Israel is one of them. His experiments must stop. His treatments must cease. It's going to be tough, but I have to figure out a way to expose his crimes. Hunter's death is one of them. I stood and went out the back door. I had so much on my mind. I went home and fell asleep on the couch. As I slept I had nothing but horrible nightmares concerning Hunter. It was as if his soul was haunting me. The knock on the door woke me up. "Eric? Are you home?" I recognized the voice and immediately came to my senses. It was my best friend Matt. What was he doing in L.A.? He never told me he was coming out here. "Yes. Just a minute." I stood and went to the door. Checking the peephole I found Matt and his wife Ellen on the other side. They must have come for a surprise visit. I admit I was surprised. "Come in," I said after opening the door. Matt gave me a big hug, as did his wife. I always enjoyed Matt's company. He and I were best friends for most of our lives. It was good to see him. However, he did not know of my exploits and he did not know I was gay. He is a very strict believer in God and, with that belief comes a very strict belief that homosexuality is sinful. That's one reason I could never confide in him. I didn't have the strength or courage to. I did not want to risk rejection by him. He was the brother I never had. "Hi, Matt! Hi, Ellen! What are you two doing here?" "Matt thought it was a good idea to surprise you. He knows how much you like surprises." "It's good to see you. Come in. So how are things back home?" "Great, Eric. Just great. Church has been awesome. It's amazing to see the way God is moving. He's making Himself so real." A thought went through my mind. God is making Himself more real, just like the spiritual forces of darkness are manifesting themselves in a greater way. "That's wonderful," I replied. "What have you been up to, Eric?" Matt asked. "Have a seat. Can I get you anything to drink?" "Dr. Pepper," Ellen said. "I'll have some Pepsi," answered Matt. I went to the refrigerator and grabbed their drinks. "I started school about a month ago. I've been asked by the Psychology center to take on a counseling position. They are paying for my schooling. I work in the mornings doing counseling and in the afternoons I go to school." "Really? Who do you counsel?" "I have counseled with children and teens and young adults. I think the oldest person I've counseled is in his early twenties." "That's neat." Bringing up counseling brought back Hunter. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to hide them. I try so hard not to show my emotions. I guess from all those years of repressing my gay feelings it's become a natural reaction. "Are you okay, Eric?" Matt asked. "Yeah. I will be." "What's wrong? Did we come at a bad time?" "No. It's just I found a classmate hanging from a ceiling a few hours ago." "What?" "My God," Ellen declared. "I'll be okay. So how long are you staying in L.A.?" "A week." Matt smiled at me. He had a nice smile. He always did. "We made reservations for a motel not too far from here." Matt looked over at Ellen. "We should probably go and unpack. We wanted to come by and say 'hi' and that we were in town. Maybe we can go out for dinner tonight." "Sure. Here's my number." I wrote it down on a piece of paper. "Call me after you get settled in." "It was good seeing you, Eric." Ellen hugged me. "Good seeing you. If you want to talk about what happened, Eric, I'm here for you." "Thanks, Matt." I hugged him. The two left and I was once again alone. I lay down and fell asleep. I didn't seem much longer, but it was at least an hour, and the phone rang. It was Matt. They wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I agreed and said I would have to shower first and for them to come over in twenty minutes. As I sprayed my cologne on, there was a knock on my door. It was Matt and Ellen. "Where should we go?" Ellen asked. The only restaurants I could think of were the ones I had been to with Justin. They would not be appropriate places for me to take my friend and his wife. I didn't think they were ready to be exposed to open acts of affection between people of the same sex. We settled on a nice restaurant I had never been to. If it was openly accepting of gays, I was safe and could say I didn't know they were. The host sat us at a table with four seats and we ordered. "So it looks as if you've been busy," Ellen said. "Very. Sometimes I'm amazed with the energy I have with what little sleep I get." "God always makes the difference when you are doing work for him." My mind went to my activities as Batman: stopping criminal masterminds, fighting mutants and vampires, and serving revenge on bigots...it all led to a very tiring work, but I highly doubt that one would classify all of it as working for God. Maybe the vampire hunting would be, but the others? It was certainly questionable. All I could do was nod my head because I took a drink of iced tea. I tend to do that when someone asks me a difficult question, I take a drink of something so my mouth is full. I know I'm too funny. Our food came and we ate and talked about everything going back on in Ohio. We talked about Matt's brothers and sisters, his parents, Ellen's family, church, their work, everything. In my heart, I wanted to share with him the fact I'm gay, yet I knew I couldn't. I knew his reaction. I knew I wasn't ready for his reaction. Not yet. As the night wore on I found myself reverting to my former mental state, guarding my feelings, hiding aspects of my personality, and putting up my emotional shields. Several guys would walk past and I found myself looking down at my plate or staring intensely into Matt or Ellen's eyes just so I wouldn't look at the men. I was turning into who I used to be, all because I knew I couldn't share this one part of me with my best friend. Did I have the right to call him "best friend" since I couldn't share this with him? Should he be considered my best friend because of this? We were so close; he was the brother I didn't have. I could talk with him about almost anything as he could talk with me about anything. And yet here I was becoming guarded and paranoid. Dinner finally came to an end and we went back to their motel room. After the night's events, I knew I couldn't keep this secret from him. I could not bare to turn into the old me, the one always hiding from the world, hiding from the ones whom I should be able to be the most open with, the ones I should feel safe to be vulnerable around. "Matt, can I talk to you?" "Sure, Eric. You can always talk to me." "Outside? Alone?" Matt looked over at Ellen. "Sure." We went outside the motel room and started walking, as we always do when we are together. Us two have put in many miles together walking and talking and sharing. It was good to have that again, even though the subject was a touchy one. "Matt, there is something I have to tell you. But I'm very afraid of how you will react." "Eric, you can tell me anything, you know that. We are friends. We are like brothers. Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that, don't you?" I nodded my head. We walked a little ways before I mustered up the courage. "Matt, you know how when we were younger I never showed much interest in dating?" "Yeah." "Do you remember how I would react when you would tell me a girl was interested in me?" "You used to get real quiet, like it bothered you. I never wanted to push anyone on you. Why did you act like that? I was always curious." "That's what I'm about to tell you. But first, I want to ask you, are you confident in my own walk with God?" "That's a silly question to ask me, Eric." "I want to know how you feel about my relationship with God." "Okay. Well, let me think." Matt paused for a moment. I knew he was seriously considering my question. Even though it was a sort of silly question, he took it seriously. He always took me serious when he knew I was being serious. "I would have to say yes, I am confident in your relationship with God. You've always been so close to Him." "I'm glad you know that I still have a good relationship with God. Because what I'm about to tell you is going to rock that confidence." We walked for a few more feet before I took a deep breath. "The reason I've never been so active in pursuing a relationship with a girl, Matt, is because I'm not attracted to girls. I never showed any desire towards them because I have no desire for them." Matt and I walked in silence for a few moments. He was processing the information. I wanted to see if he would catch on with what I've told him so far. We rounded the block and were heading back toward the motel. "So what you are saying is you feel the urge to devote your entire life to the work God has for you?" "Well, I do want to do what He has called me to do, but I still want to be with somebody." We entered the motel parking lot and went into his room. Ellen was in the bathroom showering, we could hear the water running. I was starting to get frustrated with Matt because it seemed he was avoiding the topic of homosexuality. Was it because he honestly didn't understand what I was saying or was he truly avoiding the subject? I didn't know, but I couldn't stand there playing this guessing game with him. "I don't understand, Eric. What are you trying to tell me?" "I'm trying to tell you, Matt, that I'm gay. I love men. I'm attracted to men. I want to spend the rest of my life with a man." Matt just looked at me as if he was still waiting for an answer from me. The water turned off and I heard the curtain pulling away from the shower. Ellen was finished and would soon be joining us. "I'm going to go," I said. "Now you know. I don't want our friendship to end, Matt. I still love you like a brother. If you don't want to have anything to do with me any more, that's fine. I'll hurt, and I don't want our relationship to end, but I don't know if I could handle you looking at me and believing me to be evil." I turned and walked out of the motel room. I told him. His reaction was proof enough that he wasn't ready to accept it. I knew he had to work it out in his own heart and mind. I just had to be patient and be there in case he had questions. As I neared the sidewalk, Matt came running out of his room yelling my name. "Eric! Eric, wait!" I stopped and turned back to him. "Eric, how could you do this to God?" "Do what?" "Be gay!" "It wasn't my choice, Matt. It has always been part of me." "But you used to believe gays were going to hell!" "Yes, I did. And I lumped myself in with them. Then the church we attended gave me some hope. 'Homosexuals can go to heaven, provided they don't practice,' the reverend said. That encouraged me that maybe, just maybe I would actually make it to heaven. But do you know what it was like to have these desires and not be allowed to act on them?" "You're talking about lust!" "No, I'm talking about love. Wanting to hold someone close and be such a part of their life. Sex is only a benefit of a relationship, a plus, an extra. It's not the relationship, just like sex isn't the relationship between you and Ellen." "How can you compare the sanctity of marriage between Ellen and me with what gays feel for each other? That's disgusting!" "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you, Matt. And I do love God. I'll see you around. God bless you." I turned and walked away. To Be Continued... What do you think? Lots of interesting stuff in this chapter. First, Eric deals with losing a friend because of the stress of "cures" to homosexuality. And at the end of the chapter, Eric has to deal with losing his best friend by coming out. Hunter tried to deny his sexuality and it caused him to end his life. Eric tried to be open about his sexuality and a relationship he held so dear crumbled. Have you had either kind of experience or related experience? I'm sure you didn't kill yourself, or you wouldn't be reading this now. But what about trying to kill yourself? Or maybe a gay friend tried to kill his or herself. I'd like to hear from you.