I looked in the newspaper the other day and I found a picture of you, it's still lingering inside of my head the clothes you wore, your smile, how your eyes were shining, how fake you looked like, everything with you is fake, the smile and the shiny eyes. You keep living on a lie.
You never understood that you should never underestimate your feelings, one day that'll strike back at you. I don't feel bitter, I don't feel angry, but I feel sorry for you.
"Poor Justin." I whispered. It was windy and the air felt cold against my skin. The stars were shining down on me and some clouds covered the full moon, it was beautiful outside, the nature and the fresh air.
Of course I missed them sometimes, but I couldn't live with one person that hated me, no he hated himself but put all of his hate, anger and sexual frustration over on me, what he saw in me he hated in himself, but I'm not like him, I'm better than him... something I understand by now.
When he got to know that I was gay, he ignored me, I only told him that I was gay because I trusted him, I thought he was a friend, apparently I was wrong since he kept ignoring me... but then something happened... we were on a party, got real drunk and ended up in bed together. When I woke up Justin was gone, but I could still remember what happened the night before, even though I was drunk, I remembered some of it. Then he didn't just ignore me, he avoided me, something that must've been difficult, since we were working on the new album together.
I thought it was something that'd go away with time, I had already accepted it as an one night stand, I thought he'd accept it with time too. But he didn't exactly accept it, it made him confused and furious. Maybe he wouldn't have reacted like that if it wasn't for his religion and his family, the nice Timberlake family that taught him that homosexuality was wrong.
One day he walked into my darkened bedroom at midnight and stared at me with cold emotionless eyes.
"It's wrong, Lance, it's wrong, it must be wrong." He kept saying until his coldness was replaced with fear and sadness, then he broke down, fell down on my bedroom floor and started to cry.
"It's wrong!" he said frantically one last time, then the words stopped and he drowned in his own tears. I looked at him sorrowfully from my bed.
"It's not wrong, Justin it's not wrong." I said in a soft tone. I didn't get up I just laid in my bed and watched his tears run down from his eyes, he looked like a helpless, lost child.
In the morning he was gone and it was all just a faded memory, but still it was a memory, a memory I'll never forget, the last time I saw him vulnerable.
The sky was clear now and the full moon was shining. I wondered what they were doing, Joey was probably making a joke and Chris was probably criticizing him, and telling Joey that it wasn't funny, JC was probably sleeping already and I could imagine Justin laying in his bed staring at the ceiling and praying for God to forgive his sins...
I took up the newspaper that was laying beside of me on the park bench. I looked at the front page and saw a picture of Justin and Britney holding hand `Britney said yes! Read more on page 45' It said. I opened the newspaper and turned to page 45. I started to read, the news didn't shock me, maybe I got a little surprised , but I had imagined this situation a lot of times, I knew it would happen, I knew Justin would ask Britney to marry him. "What are you trying to prove?" I asked and stared at the picture of him in the newspaper. I knew the answer, he was trying to prove to himself that he wasn't gay, that he was straight, that he was `normal'...
He told the others, he told them that I was gay, but not only did he tell them that, he told them that I tricked him into bed with him, and of course they believed innocent Justin.
It was morning and I had just gotten out of bed heading for the kitchen to get some breakfast. The others were already up, they sat and stared at the table, they didn't say anything until I got inside of the kitchen. JC looked at me with piercing eyes. "Lance, what have you done with Justin?" He asked me and kept staring at me. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I knew what he had said and I knew he said it to make himself feel better, to convince himself that I was the one to blame and that he had nothing to do with it himself.
"Justin? What did you say?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
"The truth." He lied. I could feel the hatred surrounding the room, and how they all thought they knew what had happened.
"Didn't they tell you about lying? That lying also is a sin, Justin?" I asked him, but he never answered he didn't even dare to look at me.
"You should go." Chris said and looked at me in disgust. "Alright, I'll go, but I want you to know one thing. I never forced or tricked Justin into anything he's just to scared to admit that he's gay himself, he's to scared to confront the real him, instead he keeps hiding under that mask of his." That was the last words I said before I ran into my room to pack my bag.
Before I slammed the door behind me, Joey came towards me.
"I know, I know you're not like that." He whispered so the others wouldn't hear him, he looked cowardly there he stood, he'd never tell them that he believed in me, I knew that. Then I closed the door behind me and a whole era was over for me. That's what it felt like, but I also felt relieved. That was the last time I saw him and them. It all happened so fast, but I knew this was going to happen, I knew Justin would do anything to get me out of the group.
I laid down the newspaper on the bench again and looked up on the stars, I saw a shooting star. "I all wish the best for Justin." I said as I stood up to walk home again, back to that small apartment of mine. I didn't feel the need to live in a large house, marry a girl and live the rest of my life on a lie, I just felt the need to be myself.