Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 16:36:54 -0800 (PST) From: Joshua Williams Subject: The Shape of My Heart Disclaimer This is a work of fiction. Although the story does involve characters from the Backstreet Boys, it is by no means a reflection on their lives or sexuality. Any similarities to them or other stories is purely coincidental. If you are under the legal age to be reading this or are offended by homosexual relationships please do not continue. Thank you. ______________________________________________________________________ The Shape of My Heart - Chapter 2. ___________________________________ Although I had pretty much calmed down thanks to Brian's singing, I thought that closing my eyes would take the edge of the flight. I must have been more relaxed than I anticipated, or just extremely exhausted, but I ended up dozing off. I opened my eyes, and realised that my head was leaning on Brian's shoulder. I gently moved off him and saw that he was asleep too. I was dying for a piss, but as I was getting up I couldn't help but notice how peaceful he looked asleep there. I looked around for Kevin and Nick, but they weren't in their seats. Desperate for the loo I made my way to the back of the plane (assuming that the toilet would be there). "Look who's awake," said Nick smiling. I was in awe again. It looked like they had literally moved a while living/dining/games room on to the plane. My eyes shifted Kevin lying asleep on one of the several coaches when Nick said, "I would have woken you guys up, but you both looked so peaceful I decided against it." "No worries," I said. "But that aside, I need the bathroom real bad," "Oh," Nick giggled. "To the back and on your left, and hurry. We don't want wet patches all over the carpet!" The jet was so luxurious, even the bathroom was really posh. There was even a bathtub. I wet my face a little to freshen up then went back to where Nick was. "Is Brian still asleep?" I asked. "Brian sleeps for ages and anywhere, so don't worry he'll be fine over there." Nick said giggling again. "So, what are you guys doing in LA?" I asked trying to make conversation. "It's the MTv music awards in a few weeks, and since we're performing we've got rehearsals." "Cool. What are you guys going to sing?" I asked enthusiastically. Though I'm quite a hard core indie guy, I do have a thing for up tempo stuff with a good dance routine that they do in most award ceremonies. "We haven't really decided. We should be doing Shape of My Heart, and then couple it with something a bit more up beat. Will have to discuss it with the guys when we get there. What are you going to be doing in LA when you get there?" "I'm just going to check out the city, so I should be there for about a week I guess, then maybe venture outwards and explore the state. Past that I'm not really sure. I just really needed to get away from....." I started to choke up a little as I started to think back to the events that had happened over the past few months when I felt an arm on my shoulder. "Hey man, is everything okay?" asked Nick looking very concerned now. Just then Brian walked in, stretching his arms he said "Hey Josh, why didn't you wake me up?" Sitting himself down on the coach next to me he noticed Nick concerned face and my red puffy eyes, looking on the verge of a breakdown. "Josh are you okay?" asked Brian. He then turned to Nick and yelled "What did you do to him?" I didn't want to be the cause of any fights between the boys so I just grabbed Brian's hand and said "Nick didn't do anything....it's nothing," I whispered. Feeling really embarrased, Brian looked at Nick, "Sorry bud, I over reacted." "Chill man, no harm done," replied Nick very understandingly. "Nick, how about you get Josh something to eat," "Sure, be right back." and Nick hopped off to the back of the plane again. "Josh...are you sure you're okay. You can talk to me about anything, I won't judge you, I'll just listen if you want." I looked up at Brian and felt a warm tingly feeling course through my body. I had only known him for less than a day, and I was already falling for him. Everything he did was so pure, just being with him I felt safe. "Thanks," I said hugging him. We didn't stop hugging until we heard a Nick clearing his throat. "We've got some coke, juice, and sandwiches here, do dig in." said Nick placing a tray on the table. He then turned to Kevin and said "Look at that, he's a bad as you Bri, sleeps through anything!" With that, Brian picked up a pillow and chucked it at Nick. In a matter of seconds pillows were flying all over the place. Eventually one hit Kevin which definetelt startled him cause he woke with a bit of a scream. This started us laughing all over again. Kevin looked a litle annoyed, but eventually joined in realising the humour in the situation. We must have all been pretty hungry, cause we all started digging into the sandwiches Nick brought in. "Hey guys, I was thinking, since we've going to be in LA for a while, and Josh is planning on staying for about a week, or so he says, maybe he could tag along with us...that is if you don't mind," said Nick rather enthusiastically. Brian smiled at me and said, "It'd be fun, you'd have some company. Besides, LA isn't the safest place to be on your own." "Bri, I'm quite sure Josh can take care of himself." said Kevin. Brian blushed a little. "...but it would be fun, and not just for us!" laughed Kevin. "Guys, that sounds great, but I'd only be in the way. Nick said you guys will be rehearsing for the MTv awards...." "We don't rehearse 24-7," interrupted Brian. "......I know, and what about AJ and Howie, and management? I doubt they'd be happy with some stranger tagging along." I continued. "AJ and Howie will love you, and management, it's time we let them know who's boss!" said Kevin. "You've run out of excuses, so come one, that is if you want to. I mean if you want to be on your own we won't push anymore, its just that...." Brian started to waffle. Smiling I said, "I'd love to, but promise one thing." "Okay," they all said in unison. "If I get out of line or if you've had enough of me, please just be straight with me." I said rather seriously. I had been toyed with one to many a time now, and I seriously couldn't have dealt with anymore. "Enough of you, NEVER!" said Brian smiling as he slung his arm around my shoulder. "It's settled then!" said Nick grinning. I couldn't believe what was happening. This was the best I had felt since the past few months. Here I was with amazingly friendly people and with Brian who was beyond great. Then reality set in, I was falling in love with someone I had just met. The signals I was getting from him were clear, or were they. He's probably just a really nice guy wanting some friends outside the group. If I let myself go any further...I was steering myself for disaster. "Just excuse us for a couple of minutes okay," said Brian, taking Nick hand and leading him towards the cockpit. I was right then, Brian was just a tactile person, very touchy. It didn't mean anything. I was devastated, but wanted to back out, but realised that they were right, I did need some friends, especially new ones at that. **************** "What's up Bri?" asked Nick. "You like Josh don't you? I mean like, he's...." "Relax, I know what you mean. Yeah I like him, he seems really cool. And we all seem to gel quite well so yeah." replied Nick, "Why do you ask?" Running his hands through his hair, Brian tries to compose himself. "Nick...how do I say this....", a tear forms in the corner of Brian's eye. "Bri, what's wrong....you know can tell me anything," "I'm...I'm....I...think..." "Shhh, I know. I know." whispered Nick "No, you don't understand," said Brian in frustration. "I've never felt..." "You like Josh don't you?" said Nick with a small grin on his face. Brian was shocked by what Nick said. "Oh my god! Is it that obvious? How did you do? Do you think he knows? Do the rest of the guys know? How long have you known? You don't mind?" Nick started rambling. Pulling Brian into a hug, Nick said, "You're rambling. Just chill." "So maybe it's a bit obvious, but it's okay, he's seems like a great guy, but Bri you've only just met him." "Nick, I know, but there's something about him...I can feel it. How did you know that I'm....I'm...I can't even say it!" "I've sort of always known," said Nick smiling "And you don't mind? You don't hate me for not telling you?" asked Brian very worriedly "Bri, you are my best friend and nothing, NOTHING will ever change that. I promise you that much. And as for not telling me, well I am a little peeved, but I knew you would say something when the time was right." said Nick reassuringly. "How could you tell? I hope the other's don't know." said Brian getting all tense again. "I seriously doubt they know, but I'm positive that they'd be fine about it." "You're avoiding the question, how could you tell? Do I scream 'I'm gay'" said Brian slightly irritated. "I'm not avoiding the question, just keep getting side tracked. I've noticed the way you look at guys when they walk buy, checking them out!" said Nick teasingly Brian started to blush. "I don't think I want to know anymore," "And the way none of your girlfriends have ever made you really happy. Actually I never seen you so protective of or concerned about anyone, apart from me of course, until Josh. This was the clincher, but before it was little things like, your *impeccable dress sense*, oh and how you love fitness magazines, and always look at the fashion spread of magazines!" "If it's that obvious, I'm dead!" said Brian now very worried about his secret. "Chill Bri, it's only me who's noticed these nuances..don't say anything..I've been reading alot," "Nuances, very posh." teased Brian. "Back to the matter at hand, I guess since you've always been very protective over me, I wanted to repay the debt by looking out for you, which strangely led me to being very observant over what you do." said Nick "But don't get the wrong idea...I love you, but just like a brother!" teased Nick "So, my sexy ass doesn't even do anything for you?" said Brian slapping his arse. "I don't know? I think I should have good feel before I decide!" "Thanks Nick, for being here for me." said Brian. "Hey man, all you need to do is holler and I'll be there!" replied Nick "Come over here and let me give you a hug!" said Nick. "I love you." said Brian ******************* "It's been 20 minutes, I wonder where they are." I thought to myself. I had chatted with Kevin for about 10 minutes, but he excused himself to get some work done for when they land. I started flipping through a few magazines but got bored, so I decided to look for them. I walked to where the cockpit was and there they were....hugging...and then I heard Brian say to Nick, "I love you." I don't know why, but my heart sank when I heard him say that. Who was I kidding, I knew why...I was in love with him. "That would explain why they're so close, they are seeing each other. How could I have been so stupid?" I thought to myself. I felt awful and decided to tell them I had other plans, but then I thought, it's not like anything happened or was likely to happen between my and Brian, and I'd be stupid to throw away an opportunity like this, so reason held that I go along have the best time of my life, and make some friends. I'd be okay, I just had to make sure I keep my distance from Brian, I couldn't let myself fall any harder for him. Not wanting to interrupt, I went back to the lounge and started flipping through a few more magazines. *********************** "Right Bri, I think we've been hidden back here long enough. We'd better head back or they'll start getting a bit suspicious." said Nick. "You're right, thanks again man!" replied Brian. "Hey, and about Josh, you've only just met him so don't get your hopes up too high, you don't even know if he's gay or not!" "I'll be alright." ************************ "Hey Josh, what are you doing?" asked Brian before sitting himself next to me. "Oh nothing, just checking out some of the mags you've got here." I wanted to ask them what they doing, trying to elicit something, but then I knew already didn't I. It felt so good having Brian next to me, but then I remembered what I saw and reminded myself not to get too close to Brian. I think Brian was about to say somethine, so I quickly asked Nick ,"So, Nick...umm...how is it being the youngest in the band?" "Stupid question! you're so lame!!" I told myself. It was an innoncent enough question and he didn't seem to find anything wrong with it. "The rest of the guys are really great, they've been taking care of me, *especially Brian*, so its been okay." Brian's eyes darted at Nick and I swear I noticed a brief scowl from Brian, which he quickly stopped when I turned to him. Not wanting to be obviously distancing myself from Brian I shifted my gaze to and fro from Brian to Nick, but each time Brian tried to make eys contact, I would avert my gaze. Nick seemed oblivious to it, but Brian surely enough picked up on it, and eventually stopped trying. The conversation was primarily between me and Nick now, and Brian just sat there quiet. I guess its a best friends job to notice these things, and Nick did, and tried to bring him back into the conversation. "Hey Bri, we don't start rehearsals till the day after so why don't we take Josh to Hollywood, I'm sure he'd love that. What do you say Josh?" "Yeah that would be great!" I replied definite excitement in my voice. I had always wanted to go to Hollywood. "Ya whatever fine with me...I'm just going to the....bathroom.....I'll be right back." said Brian barely audible with intense monotony in his voice. Nick frowned and sensed something was wrong, but didn't want to say anything since I was there. Kevin was silent for most of the journey, seeming very absorbed in this work, then, "Josh, I'm just going to borrow Nick for a sec for some work okay." said Kevin Nick went over to Kevin. Whispering, Kevin asked Nick, "What's up with Brian, just a moment ago he was practically on cloud nine, and now he's acting up again. What happened with you guys up front?" "You're asking me. He was perfectly happy until he sat down." replied Nick Together Kevin and Nick turned to look at me, which made me feel really uncomfortable. They were obviously talking about me. Everything that was happening were signs telling me to go my own way when we landed. "Don't stare at him, you're making him uncomfortable!" whispered Nick. "Don't stare, you were staring too!" retorted Kevin. "Anyways, speak to Bri when he gets out, he'll only really open up to you. Oh, and is everything okay with Josh, I hate ignoring him like this, but Ian (from management) has given us enough shit to do to last me a lifetime, which may I add I am doing!" "Thanks Kevin, we love you!" said Nick. - Over the p.a. "Boys, we're going to be landing in about 20 minutes so buckle up." Brian exited the toilet and started walking to the seats. Kevin was just finishing some of his work and said he'd be there. Nick was the first to sit down. I was just in front of Brian when he plane suddenly jerked. I lost my balance and fell on Brian. - Over the p.a. "We've got a little turbulance here, so get seated now!" "Are you guys okay?" asked Kevin. "Fine," said Brian. "Yup, just fine," I replied. I had fallen in a rather ackward position and ended up practically face to face with Brian. For a moment we were lost in each others eyes. I wanted to kiss him so badly then, but knew that him and Nick were together. I pulled myself off him and made my way to sit down. I immediately took the seat next to Nick. Nick gave me a rather wierd look, then said, "It's times like these I wish we were in a bigger plane." Brian and Kevin both sat next to each other, on the seats which were parallel to Nick and me. All the turbulence was making me very nervous and tense, and I my breathing started to quicken as I gripped onto the hand rests. "Josh, just chill. This happens all the time, and we've never crashed." laughed Nick trying to make light of the situation. "It's just California air, we'll be down on the ground in no time." said Kevin Then Nick started telling plane crash related jokes, which just made things worse. My heart was racing, and my head was getting really light, maybe it would serve me better if I passed out I thought. All this time, Brian was silent, but never took his eyes off me. We were almost next to each other, apart from the isle. Suddenly he gripped my hand and started to sing to me. His voice and touch were magical. I felt the vibration from his voice permeate throught every nerve in my body, telling them that's it would be okay, and that I was safe. I closed my eyes, and didn't let go of his hand until we landed. I didn't realise that Brian had such an effect on me. I was already emotionally in to deep, and maybe its my paranoia, but Nick and Kevin odd behaviour made me feel unwanted. I was sure I made the right decision not to go with them. Exiting the plane, I said "Guys, thanks for the ride, but I think I'll leave you to your rehearsals. I'd best be on my way. But before you do um, Kevin, do you think you could help me with my baggage? All three of them looked puzzled, then Kevin spoke, "It'll be a shame we won't see you so take care. Now don't go anywhere while I sort out your stuff." I didn't really want to go, actually I was feeling very vulnerable, but I knew that the more time I spent with Brian, the harder in love I would fall, so I had to get out quick. I wanted to cry. I turned to Brian and Nick, "Thanks for helping me out, and taking me down to LA. Good Luck with the performance and take care." I said with my voice slightly wavering. Nick gave me a hug, but Brian just mumbled "yeah take care.." then walked away. Nick ran off after him. I lost sight of them. Kevin got back accompanied by another man with a trolley. "My luggage!" I exclaimed. "Cheers Kevin," I said giving him a hug. "Where are those two clowns?" asked Kevin. "I don't know, I saw them walking off down there." I replied poiting in the direction they had gone. "I'd better go look for them. Here's my card, and if you need anything just call. I'd be more than happy to lend a hand. I know how it feels to be alone in a foreign place." "Thanks again Kevin." I said. I pushed my trolley exiting the first class area, and into the terminal. I started to feel a little warm when I realised I was still in Brian's jacket. I left London (I'm from Belfast, but I was living in London) for a new start, but since meeting Brian, I was feeling even worse than before. ****************** "Brian! Brian, where are you?" Nick cried out. Nick eventually found Brian sitting curled up in a corner with his face buried in his hands, crying. "Bri, look at me. What happened with you and Josh?" "I don't know. All of a sudden he was different, almost like he was deliberately pushing himself away from me. Then we decides not to come with us. What did I do? I must have scared him off. I shouldn't have held his hand and sung to him, he knows I'm gay and he hates me for it!" said Brian sobbing. Nick didn't know what to say. He didn't want to agree with Brian, which would have made things worse, but at the same time with Josh gone, and well with no guarantee that Josh would ever return the feelings Brian wanted him too, that would have given him false hope. Then isn't having even a glimmer of hope better than having none? Nick had to say something and decided on the latter. "Brian, if you hated you, he wouldn't have let you hold his hand. Didn't you notice how he relaxed when you sung to him? Bri, I don't know what his feeling are for you, but I do know that we considers you a friend, a good one at that." Nick said reassuringly. "If he does, why did he leave?" asked Brian. This was truly a reversal of roles for Nick. Brian had always been the strong one, the pillar of strength and hope for Nick, but now Brian was in pieces. Nick's heart was torn. He couldn't bear seeing his best friend in such a state ,yet he didn't know what to do. Nick decided to just be there for Brian. He held him close. "Brian, Kev's going to come looking for us, so I think I'd be best we dry those tears and head back. We don't want to rouse any suspicion." said Nick being very logical now. "You're right. Thanks Nick. I'll be fine." said Brian, finally being able to stop crying. "There you guys are, I was wondering where you dissapeared to. Lets go, the limo's waiting." said Kevin. ************************ I walked outside and immediately felt the warmth of the sun radiate on me. The rays seemed to deliver new hope to me. I picked up my bags, and put the trolley away. I hadn't taken much with me, and was more than capable of carrying my bags. I was tempted to take a taxi, but realised that i needed to save every penny possible, decided to take the bus instead. I followed the signs pointing the bus depot and started to make my way there. I must have stuck out like a sore thumb cause I had so many guys in cars offer me private car hires. One guy seemed particularly nice (okay, he was good looking) and I needed someone to be nice to me now. He offered to take me into the city for $50, which considering the distance seemed reasonable. I accepted. Before I could open the door, he hopped out and offered to put my stuff in the boot of the car. I put my bags down and handed them to him. As I reached for the door handle, I felt something hard hit me on the head. 'Thunk!' I fell to the ground. My vision was blurred, and my head ws throbbing. I felt someone tug at my carrybag which contained all my documents and money. All my years of kickboxing allowed me to just about keep him off me. After several attempts, he gave up and jumped in to the same car and I the last thing I remeber is seeing the car speed off. To be continued..... ******************************************************************* What did you think? Its only the second installment, so the relationship obviously hasn't developed much. But I promise things will happen!! Please email me with any comments, good or bad - josh_wills@excite.com. I love email!!