Date: Sun, 05 Dec 1999 21:12:40 GMT
From: Dave McGrath <dragon_reborn88@hotmail.com>
Subject: Utopia (chapter 4)

   This story is purely fictional and it's not suggesting anything about the
sexuality of either Backstreet Boys or N'Sync. I'm not trying to imply that
either of the band members is homosexual or bisexual. I also do not suggest
this story to anyone who is offended by erotic homosexual stories, or who is
under the age of eighteen.

              ****************************************

   Chris stumbled through the hallway, trying to be as quiet as possible. It
was close to five in the morning and the first daylight was coming through
the small window behind the stairway. Hallway already smelled like beer and
long drunk nights which happened more often than he liked to admit.
He could see where he was walking but his legs seemed unusually heavy and
refused to listen to him. The sea sickness wasn't even close to the
disgusting feeling he had, while trying not to throw up his last few meals
on the expensive hallway carpet.
It took him forever to get to the stairs which all of the sudden seemed as
high as the Mount Olympus. Not being able to lift his feet off the ground,
he decided to take a different approach and falling on his hands and knees,
he started crawling up the stairs. The stairs were stirring under him,
moving like waves, causing him to lose balance and stop every few seconds.
He burst out laughing trying to picture how funny would he look to someone
sober. The sick feeling in his stomach grew worse and his laughing died down
as fast as it came.
Still doing his best not to throw up, he tried to climb faster, scared that
someone will actually wake up and see him. When he was almost at the top of
the stairs, they twisted under his body and he lost balance. While stumbling
down the stairs and trying to cover his head with his hands, the only thing
he could thing about is how much noise he must have made. He ended up laying
on the bottom of the stairs, letting the cool floor relieve the pain in his
stomach and head. He knew that he had to get up and drag himself to his
room, but numbness took over his body making his every muscle ache for
sleep. Soon, he was snoring, with his cheek on the ground and his left leg
still on the bottom of the last step.

               **************************************

   By 6 AM I was already on the plane. I still barely understood what was
expected of me, but that didn't make much difference. It was too late to
turn back.
The atmosphere was soothing and warm, letting me think in the complete quiet
and make some sense out of everything. The guy who almost ran me over
introduced himself as Paul something, and gave me a quick summary of
everything I needed to know. The summary was clear and general, explaining
just some basic things and leaving me in the dark about everything else. I
didn't mind it then, considering that my life made less sense than anything
he could have told me. I was to work for a rich person who likes his/her
privacy and is, at that moment, hiding from publicity. My payment was to be
$100 a week, and after my job was done, I was to leave and forget I ever
knew my employer. At first it seemed basic and easy, but after a while I
realized how unrealistic it actually sounded. There had to be more to it,
and all the signs showed that the rest was better left unsaid.
What scared me about Paul is that he knew everything there is about me. My
life was like an open book for him, which he can skim through every time he
needs information. Knowing what he knows, he still insisted that I was the
right person for the job. He didn't trust me though; I could see it in his
eyes. It didn't surprise me at all, considering that there wasn't a one
single person in the world who did.

   An hour later, the plane started losing height and sank through the
clouds.
"Ladies and gentleman, we will land on the Hyannis airport in couple of
minutes. Please, stay in your seats and fasten your seat belts."
I gathered my stuff quickly, anxious to get off. The plane landed lightly
and I stepped out in the clear Fall rain. My clothes were soaked within
minutes, and the water dripped from my hair washing my face. The wind
smelled like ocean shore and salt, while in the same time was so crisp that
it burned my lungs.
Walking towards the airport, my mind wandered back to my apartment in New
York. I knew that Brian was awake and probably aware of who I was. He was
more than 200 miles away, but I could still feel his blind anger and bitter
disappointment, caused by the fact that I was right there in front of him
and he didn't know it. He should have killed me then. We both know that
he'll never get a second chance.
Sighing, I stepped into airport to wait for my ride. Finally, I was away
from everything, but for some weird reason I didn't feel any better.

                **********************************

  The breakfast started awkward. Justin wasn't talking to J.C., J.C. wasn't
talking to Chris, and Chris wasn't talking to anyone. He was sitting on the
sofa in the corner of the dining room, with his head between his knees,
ignoring everyone and everything. The pain from the night before only got
worse making his head feel like it's gonna burst into thousand pieces. That
same morning he had a pleasure of seeing his lunch and dinner disappear in
the toilet flush, and listening lesson J.C. gave him, which he already knew
by heart. Burying his head deeper between his knees, he repeated quietly the
same promise for the thousandth time: 'This is the last time. The last
time.' His promises were like his nights though, first full of excitement,
then crash and burn, and then they ended above the toilet seat.
Joey sat in the arm chair across from Chris, twirling fork in his hand. He
was hungry but he felt guilty eating and knowing that everyone else had more
important things on their mind. He looked like a child whose parents made
him sit in the corner for being too loud. His once bright red hair was now
partly washed out, but he didn't bother to dye it again. In that God
forsaken place, there was no one to see him anyway. His 'spirit of the
group' image was long over. Things were too serious for him and he couldn't
deal. Since they moved, he buried himself in his room, leaving it just when
he had to eat or make an appearance in general. Basically, he lived day by
day, crawling inside himself every time things got serious. Nobody blamed
him for that, in fact, they all wished they could do the same.
Justin just sat at the table with spoon in his hand and full bowl of cereal
in front of him. He wasn't eating. His eyes seemed to be looking through the
walls of the house, concentrating on something beyond them, something only
he could see.
J.C. was sitting little away from him, completely irritated. He wanted to
grab the spoon from Justin's hand and shove the food down his throat. He had
to gain weight, and they all knew it. His body looked like the wind could
blow it away, while his clothes seemed to grow bigger and bigger with every
passing day. Talking wasn't helping at all, especially since the day before,
when Justin started giving him the silent treatment. J.C. wanted to shake
him really hard, make him snap out of his thoughts and become the old Justin
everyone knew and understood. He didn't do it though. He couldn't risk doing
it and finding out that old Justin is gone forever.
Lance walked in last, right away taking the seat next to open window, away
from everyone. The only person he wanted to talk to was Justin but he didn't
want to say anything in front of the other guys. If J.C. knew, he would've
done everything possible to stop Kevin from coming. On the other hand, if
Kevin just showed up on their doorstep, J.C. would have to let him stay.
Lance bit his lips knowing how unreliable that kind of thinking was, but he
also knew that he had no choice. Kevin was already on his way to Cape Cod.
He was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice Justin standing next to
him and looking through window:
"Oh, hey Just. I didn't even notice you, sorry."
Justin looked at him attempting to smile but it didn't work:
"That's OK, I know how it feels to space out. I guess it's this place, smell
of rain and the whole atmosphere...Dunno, it's just..."
"...Beautiful." Lance finished his sentence, but he wasn't looking at the
trees. He wanted to whisper: 'You are beautiful,' but he stopped himself in
time. He couldn't risk having Justin hate him.
After a while, Joey pushed aside half full plate and left the room. Chris
took that as a sign that he can leave too, so he slowly dragged himself out
of the kitchen, deciding to try and get some sleep. J.C. stayed there a
couple of minutes longer, hoping to get some response from Justin, but
Justin ignored him completely. After half an hour of just sitting there,
J.C. sighed and walked out, leaving Justin and Lance alone.
Lance felt his hands getting ice cold and sweating uncontrollably. It was a
perfect time to mention Kevin, but it wasn't as easy as he thought it would
be. Clearing his throat, he started, thanking God that he didn't lose his
voice:
"Um...Justin?"
"Yeah."
"About that thing that happened yesterday...that guy you wanted to talk to
but J.C. wouldn't let you..."
"Yeah what about it."
His voice was cold and Lance stopped for a second, rumpling the end of his
shirt:
"I sort of found him...he's coming to Cape Cod."
Justin was looking at him like he heard the most absurd thing in the whole
world. Then his expression changed into the most amazing smile Lance has
ever seen. In the next few seconds, he was lost completely. Justin had his
hands wrapped around Lance's shoulders and was hugging him with all his
strength.
At first, Lance didn't know how to react. He couldn't remember the last time
Justin hugged him or let anyone touch him besides J.C. He could smell the
strawberries and feel the tender touch of Justin's cheek against his own.
Slowly, he put his hands around Justin's waist and held him like a gently
like a pretty, little, ceramic figure that could burst into  pieces at any
second. Justin whispered in his ear:
"Thank you..."
Letting go of Lance, he looked like he was gonna pull away, and then
changing his mind in an instant, he leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on
the forehead. Lance felt like the ground is subsiding under him while he was
losing himself in Justin's smell and feeling nothing besides his lips, and
his warm hands pressing against Lance's shaky shoulders. The kiss lasted
less than five seconds, but to Lance it seemed like an eternity. Just when
Justin was pulling away, J.C. voice coming from the living room made them
both jump:
"Justin, you're half an hour late for your medication! Do I need to play
your mom every time?! Get your ass in here!"
Justin grinned devilishly and started towards the door. Before leaving the
room, he turned towards Lance one more time:
"Thanx man, you don't know how much this means to me."
He closed the door fast, before Lance could react. Smiling softly, Lance
turned to the window realizing that in one second, he saw the old Justin
peaking at him from the devil grin he gave him. His smile became wider as he
realized that the rain has finally stopped, and the sun was showing in
between the clouds.

                                 End of chapter 4