THERE IS NO ME
Upside down. What would I do with all the fame if I couldn't have Brian's love? What will I do with all the money if I can't buy Brian's smile? What to do with all the friends if they don't understand me? How to sing when my soul is gone? And how to love when my heart is broken?
Life to me was just a matter of the day I was living. I just wouldn't make any plans. Plans are made by people who have hopes. And I don't have any.
Brian built a wall around him and he just ignores me. Everytime I see him I have this urge to run towards him, grab his arms and tell him everything. And tell him exactly why we aren't together right now. But I know I can't... Although this is not what worries me the most.
I'm afraid. I'm so terribly afraid Brian doesn't love me anymore. What if he just moved on? Oh, well... shouldn't I be happy if he did? Just because I can't have him doesn't mean he has to suffer too... Unfortunatly I'm a rare kind of person. I never thought I'd fall in love, I never knew exactly what was love. And now that I know, and now that I feel it I can also understand I'll never love anybody else. It was Brian. Had always been him. The only one I'll be able to love.
I have a deal with myself. I can't think of Brian. Not while I'm aware. I don't wanna be hurt.
I tried to approach Brian but he pushed me away. He hates me...
Everytime I'm around the other boys I can be fine. They don't even know but Howie, AJ and Kevin, they give me strenght. Funny and weird how they didn't seem to notice something is wrong between me and Brian. Guess we are both really good actors. We can play our part, keep the truth in the dark...
I have nothing more to say or to think. To sing about or to feel. It was all Brian. And I can say he really meant what he said. I'm dead for him. I'm dead for me too.
"Don't you think we should have a baby?" - Leighanne askwed running her fingers through Brian's soft curls.
She was sitting on his lap, enjoying the few moments before Brian had to leave to meet the other guys. Today they were meeting to sing together the new songs of their next album. They were going to pick up some songs off the ones they had written.
"We have a baby?" - Brian smiled back at her.
"Yeah, its always been our dream... you know how we both love children. Taking care of Tyk and Litty is getting boring!" - Leighanne laughed and Brian followed her.
"You are right. I really think you can stop taking those pills, Leigh. Its time we take a next step. I want children. I love you. I hope they look just like you!"
"Aww..." - Leighanne kissed his nose. - "Hun, you gotta get goin'. You are supposed to meet the boys in twenty minutes!"
She looked at the clock.
Brian brought her face to him and kissed her.
"Always so caring... My God, I'm luck to have you, baby..."
"Yes, you are." - Leighanne grinned and kissed him again before Brian stood up.
"Bye, hun. See ya soon."
He blew her a kiss and left. Brian was a much better actor than Nick.
The studio where the boys met was a really small one. It looked more like a house. There was this large living room with a sofa and a piano. The acustic was good, perfect for the boys to do a little singing. Beyond this the house had a bathroom,a small bedroom in the back and a little kitchen.
The boys had bought that place specially because of where it was located in. It was surrounded by the woods. Peaceful... they could sing and play all day long there and no one would ever bother. Sometimes the birds would even follow them in this angelical singing.
Anyway, the moment they got there they ran into a very unpleasent surprise.
"Thats so great! We forgot to pay the bill and they cut off the lights!" - AJ screamed laughing in frustration.
"Damn, Brian, wasn't it your turn to pay?" - Kevin asked.
"No way! I payed it last month! It wasn't my turn."
"Howie?" - AJ asked.
It was not that they didn't have the money to pay it... This for sure wasn't the problem. It was only that each one payed a month and since someone had forgotten they wouldn't be able to pratice now. Well, at least not till very late. Luckly it was just one o'clock, right after lunch time.
"Nope, I payed it before Brian! This is so stupid, someone has to be encharge of this bill, this way we just turn out by forgetting completely who's turn is to pay!"
"Yeah, I gotta agree with you." - Kevin said. - "But I still wanna know who forgot it!"
"Guys, I think... well... I'm almost sure it was my turn. I so totally forgot... I'm so sorry..." - Nick said in a low voice.
With so many things happening to him how in hell would he be able to remember a damn bill?
"Yeah. Why didn't I see that coming?"
"Ok, Kevin, don't even get it stared!" - Nick asked not in the mood to argue.
"He is right, Kev. Lets just stay here for some hours. The sun is still shining bright, we have some great hours before it gets dark." - Howie said.
"Yeah, lets just go on with this." - Brian said and the others followed him.
They had planned to spend the whole day over these new songs and discussing new stuff for the album, not to mention winding up the notes for some melodies. However, at six o'clock it was already getting dark and the boys were finishing up things to leave.
Brian was at the small bedroom putting together all the papers with their lyrics when he heard Howie leaving the house. Kevin and AJ had been the firsts to go.
"Bye, Brian! Oh, and Nick is still in the house." - Howie yelled before closing the door.
"Ok, bye man. See you soon."
Brian finished up with the papers and headed to the door. He tried to open it but it was locked.
"Damn you Howie... did you have to lock this damn thing?"
Only now Brian realized he had forgotten his keys. He sighed flustered when he heard Nick coming out of the bathroom.
"Whats up?" - he asked shyly seeing Brian's expression.
Brian turned around to face him.
"Oh, glad you are here. I don't have the keys and Howie just managed to lock the door before leaving."
"And you are glad I'm here becoz...?"
"Nick. You have the keys, don't you?" - Brian asked with pleadind eyes.
Everything was so unreal! Brian was actually talking to him! But no, he didn't have the keys!
"No, I don't! I didn't bring them. But why are you asking? I know you brought them! I saw some keys beside your backpack. Weren't those yours?"
"No, shit! They were Kevin's! Oh, my God, Nick! They were Kevin's! What are we gonna do now?"
"You mean we are locked here? No! Fuck!" - Nick shook his head in disbelief. - "Don't you have a cell or something? I left mine home."
"Sure, what else didn't you leave home?" - Brian asked angry and Nick kept quiet.
He realized he had been rude to Nick, but honestly he didn't care.
Brian reached for his cell in his backpack and when he found it he let out a furious grunt.
"No battery! How perfect is that? We are both locked in the middle of the woods in a house that has no food, no water, nothing! And to top it off, cause of we both know who, we don't have lights either!"
"Screw you, Brian! Its not my fault I forgot to pay it. We should let this with the bank. Do you think I'm happy? Its already darkening, in a couple of hours we won't be able to see anything! Just calm the fuck down and stop blaming it on me. Maybe the guys will realize we didn't get home and come back to take us. Meanwhile lets just sit here and talk, ok?"
"What? Me talking to you? Forget it, Nick! I don't wanna talk to you. I'm sorry this place isn't bigger to keep me from seeing you around." - Brian exclaimed.
"You are saying you won't talk to me? Why?" - Nick knew the answer, but he asked it so innocently Brian laughed.
"Because to me you are just some guy I work with. Besides that I don't even know you."
"Won't you ever let it go?" - Nick felt his voice cracking. - "Why the hell can't we be friends?"
"Because I hate you, thats why!" - Brian exclaimed sitting on the couch.
Nick turned away and walked to the bedroom. He sat on the bed looking out of the window. He was fighting with everything he still had of strenght not to cry. If only the damn Brian knew why he did that... Why he was forced to say he never loved him, why he named this feeling as simple lust... Nick saved him. He saved him and as a reward he got Brian's hate. And there was nothing he could do. Because what he wanted, what he needed from Brian was already lost by now.
Sitting all alone Brian saw the shadows getting bigger and bigger around him. It wasn't night yet, but it would be soon.
Brian wanted to make Nick suffer. He didn't deserve any of the love he gave him. Brian felt betrayed. And hating Nick was heathier than loving him.
Hm... strong words, huh? C'mon, people! Don't be mad at me! I'm just planning so many things to this story... I love me! LOL
HM... think, they are alone locked in a house in the midle of the woods... STUFF can happen... and if you wanna know what you better e-mail me, ok? LOL LUCIANAPOPSTAR@HOTMAIL.COM